CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Tom Chandler

Tom was quiet on the ride home. His heart was breaking in a new way now. Sam didn't even want to see him. Had had made that big of a mistake? Had he failed so badly as a parent that his own kids…he couldn't finish the thought. He could tell Sasha was worried about him. He could tell this had taken just as much emotional toll on her as it had him. His brain was spiraling, and he felt himself slipping into the void.

He closed his eyes and worked to keep the emotions inside. He felt a major breakdown coming as the sadness of the situation was enveloping him. His breathing increased in pace, breaths coming in short spasms as the pressure built in his chest. His eyes burned with the buildup of tears in his ducts. His nose clogged, and his airways seemed to shrink. It was increasingly more difficult to pull air in. His chest heaved in and out as he worked to get air to his lungs, but it seemed the more air he pulled in the tighter his chest got.

His brain was starting to panic as he felt himself start to hyperventilate. Suddenly there was a hand on his forearm, it squeezed. His ears were ringing with the sound of rushing water, as if he was on the edge of the ocean and the waves were angry and crashing. He felt the hand squeeze and he slowly turned his head towards Sasha. Her lips were moving but he wasn't hearing a sound she was uttering. The rushing was growing faster, more frantic in his ears. His heart was thundering against his chest, beating hard and fast. His chest felt like there was a forty pound weight sitting on it, incapacitating him from breathing.

The edges of his vision darkened his peripheral disappearing all together. Sasha dimmed. His breathing was erratic and panicked. His ears hurt from the sound of the ocean, his eyes were giving way, darkening as spots flashed across his vision. What was happening. Sasha had pulled the car to the curb. She was unbuckled and facing him, on her knees in her seat. Her hands were on his jaw, at least he thought they were, he couldn't feel anything. He struggled to breath as Sasha was telling him something, but he couldn't hear her.

Suddenly Sasha dropped her hands from his face and wrapped them around him. Her left arm billowing around his head, her left hand clasping his middle back. Then she was tugging him forward and he went willing. He couldn't fight anything in this state, he was just trying to breathe, but his chest was still way too tight, and his airways seemed to be constricted. His face crashed into her body, and he buried it in her shirt, his arms still limp at his sides, but hers wrapping around him, holding him tightly to her, the center console a hard lump against him.

Her mouth was by his ear now and he could sort of make out words over the rushing water sound. He closed his eyes, his breathing erratic, and tried to focus all his energy on the sound of her voice.

"You have to calm yourself somehow, Tom," her voice filtered through muffled.

He laid his ear flat against her chest, over her heart and listened to the steady beat of it. He focused on that and felt the tightness in his chest ebbing. The rushing water sound receded in his ears slowly. He concentrated on her heart, slow, steady. Time seemed to slow, almost stop. He had no idea how much time passed but slowly his body started to ease up, his chest allowed for more air to come in, his ears quieted to the sounds around him…and Sasha's heartbeat.

"That's better," Sasha whispered against his ear, and he shivered. The tears still burned his eyes, and he felt the despair of the night wash over him again. He felt the first sob bubble and he fought desperately to keep it contained but it came with too much pressure, and it escaped as the tears exploded from his eyes. His body shook with the release of the pressure, and he cried. "Shh," Sasha soothed as her hand rubbed gently along his spine. "It was just a panic attack. You're okay," her words filtered into his ears as more sobs escaped his body.

"I fucked up," Tom said in a choked voice between bouts of his heaving chest.

"No," Sasha said gently, and he could hear the pain in her voice.

"My kids don't love me anymore. I don't deserve—"

"Stop," she commanded in a soft soothing voice that cut through his sorrow. Tom did indeed stop talking. He then worked to get his emotions under control, reigning in his breathing, damming up the tears. His nose dripped and clogged with snot. "This is expected, Tom, we have to work through this."

"Slattery doesn't want me to. He wants to keep—"

"Slattery is just angry too," Sasha sighed out. "He doesn't realize how bad…" Sasha's words dropped off.

"How bad what?" Tom asked as he shifted away from her, leaning himself against the door frame behind him. He felt anger building overtop the sorrow now.

"Tom, you crumbled. Your outward façade couldn't hold the inner turmoil—"

"I broke, Sasha," Tom ground out as the anger surfaced. He didn't even know why he was angry, or who he was angry at…me he thought. I'm angry at myself. His chin dropped to his chest, and he breathed out harshly, a feeling of tightness came over him again and he paused. Her hand on his chest brought his eyes back up to hers.

"You did break, Tom, and that's okay," Sasha whispered. "You're allowed to feel emotion, just like everyone else. You're human not a robot."

"Okay," Tom whispered, his voice catching in his throat. He looked around and realized they were still sitting on the side of the road. He blinked then closed his eyes, shifting so he was sitting in the seat correctly again and slumped his body back against it, his head pushing into the headrest.

"You look tired," Sasha breathed out.

"I'm tired of a lot of things," Tom said, working his throat to keep the tears at bay again. His eyes opened and he slowly turned his head to face her. "Why are you still here?"

She looked at him curiously, a confused look clouded over her face. She tilted her head to the side and her hair cascaded in that direction. Fire sparked inside him again and he swallowed it down. He waited her out, wanting her to give him an explanation.

"I've already told you the why, Tom," she said, her voice shaky and weak. Her eyes shined brightly with unshed tears. "I love you." The last three words came out with conviction, and she shrugged her shoulders at the end. Tom watched her face as the emotions surged inside him. He still didn't feel like he deserved to be loved. He still didn't love himself. And his kids certainly didn't love him right now. But she did. She loved him…unconditionally. After everything…she still loved him. Him.

He leaned forward, his hand coming up to cup her jaw, his thumb caressing her cheek. He paused; his lips close enough to hers to mingle their breath. She closed the gap and touched her lips to his. They kissed, slow and gentle. He felt her promise in that kiss. He felt her love for him and something inside him flipped like a switch. He did deserve to be loved. He was broken, but together they could fix it. He felt the desire to do so now. He felt the drive to make amends of the life he trashed.

He pulled back and returned to his side of the car, taking slow deep breathes to calm his racing heart. She looked at him, love in her eyes, small smile on her face. Maybe she could see the change in his eyes. Maybe she knew.

"You understand now," she whispered, and Tom cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows in question. She smiled back at him, and a small laugh escaped. When she had control again, the smile still in place she answered his unspoken question. "That you deserve to be loved, that we can fix this, that you can get your life back."

"Can I?" he asked, thinking about Ashley and Sammy. It was going to be an uphill battle. "Can I make amends with my best friend; he seems to hate me right now. Can I fix the rift between me and my children?"

"Slattery doesn't hate you right now. He's hurting too, Tom. He lost his son, his wife. He found his own girls and took on your kids too. He's under a tremendous amount of stress trying to juggle all that and still be in the Navy."

"He was so mad at me tonight. He talked like he didn't want to give up my kids—"

"In time. Do you really think you're ready to bring them home?"

"I want to," Tom breathed out then rubbed a rough hand over his face. "But no. I think I need to…I don't know what I need to do."

"You spend time with them. Let them decide."

"And if they choose Mike Slattery over me?" Tom said, his voice cracking with pain. Sasha's hand jolted over and slipped into his own.

"Give it time, Tom," she replied and squeezed his hand.

Ashley Chandler

After she had been excused from the table Ashley retreated to her own room and curled up on her bad and cried. Her dad had seemed so different tonight, nothing like the man she knew. She could see the pain, the brokenness, the shame in his eyes. She wanted the old him back and tonight it started to dawn on her that the old him…was gone. He was never going to be her dad from pre pandemic again. He would be a new version, a different version and that scared her.

She wanted to see him one on one and talk with him. She was beginning to understand in her young mind the darkness that had enveloped her dad. She began to wonder just how deeply he had folded after all the death and destruction he had felt. Maybe he hadn't abandoned her in the sense that she felt he had. Maybe he had lost his way. It was different. He had lost his light and was trapped in that darkness that had surrounded him after all that they had been through.

Her brain was spinning wildly when there was a light knock on her door. She wiped at her eyes and cleared her throat. She sat up on her bed and hugged herself tightly as she internally debated answering the person at her door. The knock came again.

"It's me, Ash," Andrea's voice carried in softly. Ashley felt a few tears slip down her face.

"The door's unlocked," she breathed out quietly. Then the knob was turning, and Andrea stepped inside her room before shutting the door softly behind herself. She then turned toward Ashley, a look of concern on her features.

"Hey," she said softly, and Ashley was grateful she didn't ask the stupid are you okay question. She hated when people asked her that in a situation like this. "That was a little tough."

"A little," Ashley said with a bitter laugh. "He's so…broken."

"Yes," Andrea replied as she came over and sat down next to her on the bed. "Your dad suffered a severe break, Ash. I know that Mike is…well Mike blames him for things that your dad couldn't control."

"You don't?"

"No. I think I see it more like Cooper does. I'm not angry at your dad. I understand that sometimes the mind does things that we can't control."

"Cooper. She's the woman with him?" Ashley asked. She felt herself bristle a little at the mention of the woman. Andrea pursed her lips.

"I'm guessing you've never met Sasha Cooper."

"No," Ashley choked out. "Who is she?"

"She's someone who has a history with your dad. She's the one that's been helping him cope with things."

"History with my dad?" Ashley asked confused. Andrea's face distorted into a look of…panic? Ashley could see her thinking about something. Her eyes were searching Ashley's, maybe trying to decide how much to share. "She, his girlfriend?" Ashley asked with a sigh.

"Last I knew, no. But they did have some sort of relationship in the past."

"Like he cheated on my mom?" Ashley asked, the anger seeping into her voice.

"No, Sweetie, like when he was at the academy for the Navy. It was before he met your mom."

"Okay," Ashley said then swallowed some of her anger. "She's helping him?"

"Yes. I think she was doing a great job, but tonight..."

"Did we set him back?" Ashley asked in a watery voice as the tears built again. Fear rushed through her that maybe she had done something that set her father's recovery back. Tears slipped down her face.

"Oh, Sweetie," Andrea said as she reached over and gathered Ashley into her arms. "No. You did nothing wrong. Maybe it was too soon for this. Maybe it was Mike's anger. I don't know but I think it's going to be okay. I think it's going to take time. It's going to take effort on everyone's part. It's going to be okay."

"But he'll never be the same man he was pre pandemic," Ashley voiced her fear. Andrea squeezed her tighter then pulled back, her hands gripping Ashley's shoulders lightly.

"No, Sweetie. None of us will ever be that person again. Even you are different than you would have been if the Red Flu had never hit. It changed all of us and Mike needs to remember that. I think it's angering him because he lost Lucas and maybe Mike feels Tom threw you and your brother away."

"Did he?"

"No, Sweetie, he didn't. Your dad couldn't fight his inner demons and still be there for you too. It's unfortunate but a reality. If you keep faith in your dad, it can be fixed."

"Until he abandons us again."

"Sweetie, I can't make you not feel abandoned, but that was never your dad's intentions."

"I think I know that, but I can't change the way it feels," Ashley said as her voice shook.

"And it's a valid feeling to have, Sweetie."

"Thanks," Ashley replied as she leaned over and wrapped her arms around Andrea. Andrea wrapped her arms around Ashley in return.

"You're welcome. I told you, I'm always here when you need me."

Mike Slattery

After Tom and Sasha had left and the kids had all gone to bed, Mike sat on his couch feeling defeated. Andrea came out of the kitchen with two beers and slid onto the couch next to him, holding one of the beers out for him. He took it and nodded a thanks to her, before taking a large gulp from the bottle. The evening had been a disaster and after Sasha telling him how bad Tom had been, he felt worse for losing his temper with Tom. Andrea's hand gently stroked along his arm, and he looked over at her.

"It's okay," she whispered, and Mike felt himself drop a little lower. It wasn't okay. He had let his own anger cloud his judgement on Tom. He had let his need for Sam taint his actions. He shook his head slowly.

"I think I owe Tom an apology," Mike whispered and then ran his hand over his face, before taking another long drink from the beer. Andrea's hand continued to stroke his arm a few more times then, her fingers slipped into his. She squeezed his hand.

"You were a little rough on him tonight," she said softly. Mike closed his eyes and swallowed hard.

"I think it's just that…he has his kids and he's…damn it."

"He didn't abandon them, Mike, even if that is how they feel about it, and that's how they talk about it? He didn't do that in any sense of the word. And I think deep down you know that, but those kids' feelings are very raw."

"And I'm feeling it too because—" Mike started to answer.

"Because," Andrea cut him off. He glanced at her. "Because you're replacing Lucas with Sam."

"I'm not—" Mike protested.

"Stop," Andrea said softly while squeezing his hand. "It's not a bad thing, I'm not saying that you are stealing Sam or doing anything wrong. But I can see it from both of you. You lost your son. Sam feels like he lost his dad. It was just a matter of time before the two of you bonded like that. You're not alone either. I think Ashley and I have the same relationship, only her mom isn't coming back." Mike sighed. She was right. He felt even worse now for the way he treated Tom.

"Do you think I fucked up his recovery tonight?"

"I don't know. Cooper seemed pretty upset," Andrea said, her hand leaving Mike's and resting on his thigh. Mike leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes.

"How was Ashley when you talked to her?" Mike asked.

"Upset, confused, but I think she understands what's going on with her dad now. She realized how broken he really is and that he didn't just walk away from her and Sam. She's willing to give him time and work on the relationship on his terms I think."

"That's good. I don't know about Sam."

"She wasn't too happy about Cooper. I wasn't sure what to tell her at this point but I just said she was a friend with history with her dad and she was helping him at this point."

"Life is such a cluster fuck right now," Mike sighed out and wrapped his arm around Andrea, pulling her into his side. She settled against his ribs, her hand sliding over his chest.

"I never imagined this would be our life five years ago."

"No one could have predicted this," Mike said, before he leaned over and kissed the top of her head. "Are you staying tonight?" he asked.

She hadn't answered him the first time he asked. But Andrea didn't have a chance to answer as Mike felt her pull away from him the same instance, he heard someone come into the room. Mike glanced over his shoulder and saw Abbey coming into the living room.

"Uh, sorry," Abbey said quickly as she turned around. Mike breathed out a harsh breath and looked at Andrea briefly.

"What did you need, Abbs?" Mike asked calling his daughter back. Andrea cleared her throat and took a swig of her beer. Mike watched as Abbey tentatively came back into the room, walking around the couch and stopping in front of them.

"Umm, I didn't mean," Abbey said, fidgeting with her hands, nervously bouncing on her feet.

"It's okay, Abbey," Mike said with a sigh. He reached over and slipped his fingers into Andrea's hand and laced their hands together. "I think you should know that Andrea and I are seeing each other."

"Like she's your girlfriend?" Abbey asked, stiffening a little. Mike smiled.

"Yeah, except not like. She is my girlfriend," Mike replied and glanced over to gauge Andrea's reaction as they had never defined their relationship at this point. Andrea didn't give any sort of reaction, she sat still, staring at Mike's hand wrapped in hers.

"Oh, okay," Abbey replied.

"You okay with that?"

"I don't know," Abbey replied quickly, and Mike knew he was going to have to sit his daughters down soon and have a discussion on this topic.

"What was it you needed?" Mike asked switching gears.

"Hannah. She had a nightmare and was asking for you," Abbey said softly. Mike sighed and stood up from the couch, reluctantly dropping Andrea's hand as he walked away with Abbey.

"She, okay?"

"She's scared. She still dreams that those bad men are coming to get her."

Kat Nolan

There was a knock at the door and Kat frowned. No one had ever visited the apartment, and Sasha never knocked when she came to check on her. She slowly got up and went to the peep hole on the door and looked out into the hallway. There was a woman standing there with a baby. She looked familiar and Kat was searching her brain for why when it registered. It was the woman that was with her dad when they went to California. Green. Kara Green. Kat frowned again, but then opened the door.

"Hi," the woman said cheerfully. "Do you remember me?"

"Uh, yeah, Kara Green, right?" Kat replied as she stepped away. Kara walked into the apartment and smiled.

"Yeah. I was friends with your dad."

"Yeah, I remember. Um, Sasha isn't here. She's been staying with Chandler."

"I know," Kara replied with a smile. "She called me yesterday and asked for a favor."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. She said Captain Chandler was taking up more time than she anticipated and asked if I would be willing to take you in."

"Take me in?"

"Sorry, that sounded…I didn't mean like…oh boy. Let me start over. How would you like to move to St. Louis with me and my boys. I work in the new white house. Danny is on a Marine slash Navy Seal insertion team based out of St. Louis. Sasha thought it might be better if you lived with us there so that you weren't…abandoned here."

"I don't feel abandoned," Kat said but if she were in St. Louis, she might be able to get into the Navy easier.

"I know, but this way you'll be better taken care of."

"I can take care of myself," Kat said defensively then softened. She didn't really mean to fight with this woman. "Sorry. You're still in the Navy, right?"

"Yes. I'm a Lt. Commander. Right now, I'm a liaison for the CNO office and work closely with the president and his staff."

"And your husband too?"

"Yes. Danny is a Marine. He on an insertion team that runs spec ops missions."

"Would you be able to help get me into the Navy too?"

"You want to join the Navy?" Kara asked with a smile. Her baby started to fuss, and she shifted him to her other arm.

"Yes. I want to join up as soon as possible but I don't think I'm old enough yet."

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen. But I'll be sixteen in two months."

"Tell you what. Live with me and Danny for a year until you are seventeen and we will get you ready for Naval duties."

"Really?"

"If that's really what you want, we can prepare you for that. Want to get your stuff ready?"

"Like leave tonight?"

"Yes. I unfortunately had to work tomorrow."

"Uh, yeah, just give me a few minutes to pack stuff up," Kat replied then went back to pack her meager belongings in her bedroom.

TO BE CONTINUED…