A.N. Anyone remember that weird feeling when you for the first time like like somebody? To say the world becomes topsy-turvy would be an understatement.
Originally published January 25th 2017 on Tumblr.
Holding the papers close to her body she went again and again through what they said, challenging her mind to remember everything by heart. To be prepared for every situation was her biggest goal, and if she could top herself by learning even more in advance, it was even better. Be prepared for everything, be prepared for everything, be prepared for everything. Even while she never felt safe or secure, the planning was at least something that promised a more or less good outcome. Every moment she left her room was carefully thought out, every detail with no exceptions. Her school lessons, the piano lessons, the walk to the library, the walk to the parlour, the walk to her fathers study, Sunday family lunch and everyday family dinner. People would find it exhausting, but for her it meant peace. What she didn´t like were unexpected changes in this routine. Like today.
Her father had come yesterday with the announcement that he wanted to draw her slowly in into the practical way of state business, and that would mean she would have to attend some of the council meetings. He must have seen the grey colour her face had changed too for he added quickly that they would start on a smaller scale with only one or two persons in the room and not the whole council. That was a small relief, and yet her hands felt cold under the gloves. Now nearly 17 at age it was impossible to deny any presence at all. It was decided that they would start with Holger Rasmussen, his responsibility was the timber export, an important branch for Arendell´s economy.
The long hall was nearly at its end and the meeting room appeared in front of her when she stopped. Her breathing became a bit quicker and taking one long deep breath she tried to steady herself. Conceal, don´t feel, don´t let it show. This was it then.
Entering the room she found Rasmussen and her father already sitting and merrily talking at the table. He noticed her and she nodded and greeted quietly before taking seat a bit further away, but close enough to be considered part of it.
She was glad to have learned all the papers by heart so there was no problem to follow their talk, and even started to relax a bit. As her shoulders started to slacken she suddenly noticed another person sitting in the room. It surprised her that it had managed to slip from her notice, but then again it was a wonder she noticed him at all. He was sitting in a chair by the wall, directly beside the great mantelpiece, quiet and busy writing notes down. She suspected he must have come with Rasmussen, maybe an apprentice in the timber business. She judged him to be around her age, old enough to start working. He kept his face down, focused on writing down every word. Soon the meeting was over, greetings were exchanged again and then she was left alone with her father.
A few days passed in peace, before her father requited her presence again in a meeting with Rasmussen. With an utterly calm voice he ensured her that she did great and that it would be nice if she could participate in the meeting with maybe some own remarks. After a while she gave in, but also fell anger rise at her fathers wishes. Didn´t he see how hard it was for her? How she had to fight with herself and her powers every time she left the room and how it was even harder with other people around? Didn´t he see any of it? He was so sure of her as she herself could never be.
But it was decided she would participate again, so she began to prepare herself.
The day arrived, and as it was a very cold day even for this season, all the fires merrily burned in their fireplaces, so also in the meeting hall. She and her father were already waiting in the meeting hall when Rasmussen arrived- again with his apprentice, who seemed to be no man of many words. He took again place beside the mantelpiece, head down and started to write notes, as expected from him. As expected from her she tried to pay attention to the on-going discussion, even managed to add a few remarks about the importance of planed quotes of down cutted trees to secure a steady export over years. Even though she had dreaded such a meeting, she had to admit it went actually quite well, thanks to her fathers presence who always seemed to be a steady rock whom you can not shake a minimum. She was nothing like that.
When the meeting came to an end her father rose and invited Rasmussen for a small drink in his study, which meant that she was finally free to go. With her gloved hands she took her papers from the table and was about to leave the room when she noticed that she was not alone. Her father and Rasmussen had left a few seconds ago and so she had thought also his shadow, the more she was now surprised to see him standing by the door. Planning to just close her eyes and walk pass quickly she made a move to the door, when she saw him grab the handle and open it for her.
"Allow me, your Highness." he shyly whispered more then said and she nodded and made her pass. Able only to make two steps into the corridor she was again addressed by him.
"If I may say, your Highness, your thoughts on supporting the workers more were very kind, your Highness." He stammered and she did not know how to respond.
"Well… thank you. I… did not know you listened."
"Oh, of course I did. Pardon me, but it is my job after all." he added this time with a serious tone.
It was not clear to her why she did not just leave him standing there and walked away, but at that moment it seemed natural to her that they should talk.
"If… if I understood it correctly you are Rasmussen's apprentice?"
"Apprentice? Oh, that is a quite magical term to call it, but if you wish, yes, I´m Master Rasmussen´s apprentice."
"Did you work for him long?"
"Since last spring, your Highness. And I´m very glad to have this job. Master Rasmussen may seem rough at times, but he is a very good and honest man. It is not the worst way to help my family and siblings, if I may say so."
"I understand." She did understand. Arendelle, while a small kingdom, consisted of mostly forests and mountains and a coastline in the western part. She knew, not everyone lived in a comfortable castle.
They were standing so for a while, neither of them uttering a word. They would have been standing there for ages, did not one of the servants pass the corridor and with this she saw an opportunity to excuse herself and leave.
How strange and quiet the rest of the day went. Everything seemed to be without sound and not even the reading on the window seat did comfort her. She thought, maybe it was due her being exhausted with the day's events. She kept on looking out the window, forgetting the book in her hands. Sometimes its hard to say about what we think exactly, sometimes we don´t know it ourselves. Sometimes our thoughts just wander, somewhere off and away, without telling us where. Sometimes we can get lost if we try to follow them and find out where they went.
It is night and she is lying in her bed, the fire merrily cracking in the fireplace. Despite the warm fire and the warm covers, she feels cold. It's a new cold, a different cold. She curls herself small, clutching to herself. She seems shaken by something; something is disturbing her peace, something new. What could it be? she asks herself. She likes to have everything on its place. It is easier when you know where to place everything.