Disclaimer: I don't own the show or characters. All I own is the writing and story.

Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and self-harming behavior.

Drive, Stupid!

Drive stupid. Shut up and drive, stupid.

Judy hovered over the sink in one of the many bathrooms contained inside the Harding's house and peered into the reflection that was displayed back to her from the mirror against the wall.

Water ran from the faucet but she didn't hold her hands underneath it. No, she was too busy gazing at her reflection to remember the water was running. Too busy being bombarded with flashbacks of her ex's angry screaming to remember she was even in the bathroom in the first place. She couldn't even recognize herself in the mirror. A monster. She was a fucking monster. A stupid fucking monster if Steve were there to remind her.

You can't even carry a baby to term, properly. You're stupid. Fucking stupid. You can't get anything fucking right, Judy.

The conversation echoed loudly, piercingly, through her mind as she remained in her current position. Hands digging into the rim of the sink counter; eyes bewilderingly peering into the reflective glass of the mirror. Saliva pooled along the bottom of her mouth and she swallowed it thickly down. Steve may have been dead now but his menacing words never ceased from her mind. And he was right to speak them to her, she thought; she was stupid. She couldn't do anything right.

The longer she let her mind wander the more hatred she harbored for herself. Her eyes glared at her reflection. She brought her hands up from the sink and onto the sides of her face. As she retained her gaze on the mirror, she squeezed the palms of her hands sharply into the flesh of her cheeks. Each second she squeezed them she felt more and more relief course through her body. But that wasn't enough. She needed something more. Something sharper, harsher.

Her eyes quickly moved away from the mirror and bounced around the room for something—anything—that might be enticing to cut through her skin. It wasn't until they landed on a razor sitting on the edge of the bathtub that she felt a rush of euphoria overtake her. However, the second she realized how she felt about finding the sharp object the color from her face vastly drained away. She shouldn't be euphoric over the thought of a razor cutting through her flesh but, yet, here she stood feeling exactly that as she grasped it in the palm of her hand.

Judy's head was pointed down towards the item in her hand, the thumb of her other hand reaching in its direction to lightly caress the metal frame. She was stupid. So fucking stupid. What kind of person contemplated whether or not to cut themselves with a fucking razor on purpose? Only a stupid person would, she thought. A stupid person like herself. She, who wasn't fucking good at getting anything in her life right. She couldn't make Steve happy, she couldn't make her mom happy and there was no way in hell she could ever make Jen happy. She fucking killed her husband for Christ's sake. Of course Judy would never be able to bring any genuine happiness to Jen's life no matter how hard she tried or how fucking bad she wanted to. She wasn't fucking good enough for Jen—for anyone.

Her mental self-loathing talk was soon interjected by the sound of the door opening—apparently after a few violent knocks that her ears had neglected to hear—and the squeal of the wood against the tile caused a jolt out of Judy, which made her grip on the razor quickly become unsteady and the sharp edge of it naturally came into contact with the skin of her palm. It did not give her the release she'd expected it to. In fact all it did was make her feel worse. About everything.

The only thing that could worsen the worse feeling was when she looked up to see Henry standing in the doorway. His little brown eyes looking at her in fear. Or sadness, she really couldn't differentiate between the two anymore. Her heart pounded in her chest; she felt sick with herself for almost cutting herself and sweet little Henry was the one to almost witness the almost incident that almost happened.

Though she wanted to move her body, walk over to him, and assure him everything was fine she couldn't. Her body remained frozen in its spot and all she could do was watch as Henry ran from the room.

"Mom? Mom!" His little voice yelled out as he walked further and further away from the bathroom.

Judy finally regained movement to her body and crawled her way into the tub that was only a few inches away from where she'd been hunched over. She sat with her back against the wall, knees curled up to her chest, and the razor still gripped in her hand. Her now bloody hand but she didn't care. She was too busy playing over and over the vision of poor Henry's face peeking in the door just moments ago.

She really was stupid. So, so fucking stupid. Judy couldn't do a damn thing right—she couldn't even fucking cut herself right.

Tears blurred her vision and her head rested on the two shaky knees which were pulled up against her rapidly beating heart. It should have been her who was dead right now, not Steve. Not Ted. Judy. Judy should be the one dead. The one to not exist on this Earth anymore. She truly had no one, it wouldn't be a loss for anyone. Steve had his brother and mother and that pregnant girlfriend of his and Ted—oh poor Ted—he had Jen and their two beautiful boys. Sobs tremored from her body. Those two didn't deserve to be dead not when they had so much to live for. So many people who needed them.

More sobs forced their way out. Judy swallowed a good deal of air which only muffled the sobs rather than cease them like she had hoped. She would give anything to switch places with both Ted and Steve. It wasn't right that their lives were taken from them and it was all because of her. If she was less, well, less Judy, the two of them might still be alive. They would be here and she would—

"Judy?"

The familiar voice interrupted the brunette from her racing mind. Brought her focus back to the out here world instead of her head. Her head that wouldn't stop from trampling her with incessant thoughts and guilt. She timidly turned her head towards the sound of Jen's voice and felt her heart constrict even more to see the look on her face.

"Oh, Judy," Jen murmured brokenly. She hurriedly made her way in the room, shutting and locking the door behind her, before getting into the tub with the blatantly distressed brunette.

Judy shook her head, trying to back away from the blonde but realized that wasn't an option since she'd already had her back resting against the wall.

Jen nodded and sat down in front of her, reaching her arms out to take her disheveled best friend into them. Oh, did it hurt so deeply to see how broken and pained Judy was. To see her crying in the tub, head tucked into her knees as she rocked back and forth. Body ever-so-lightly shaking from the many sobs that came out of her. It shattered her heart more than anything to witness Judy breakdown like that. Her Judy. Her sweet, bubbly, Judy who now could barely look at her. Who tried so desperately to back away from her.

It only made the desire to hold and cradle her even stronger. Judy didn't deserve to feel this kind of agonizing pain that now seemed to be looming over her. Jen shut her eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Her arms secured themselves around Judy's waist and her chin nuzzled softly atop her head. "Jude, what happened? What were you doing?"

The questions were asked in only the softest and warmest of voices, however, Judy couldn't find it in her to answer them. It was stupid. The whole thing was stupid. She was fucking stupid. What the hell possessed her to pick that razor up in the first place? Now Jen's son was probably scarred for life—would likely need therapy for years on end and it was because of her own damn stupidity.

The silence only intensified Jen's concern. She ran her hands softly up and down both of Judy's arms while peering tenderly down at her. "Tell me what happened, Judy. Please. I need to know. Henry said he heard ya in here crying for a while and—and when he opened the door, you had a razor in your hand… I need you to tell me what the...the hell happened."

Judy swallowed uneasily when Henry was mentioned. It ripped her up inside. He shouldn't have had to walk in on that, she thought as tears poured like waterfalls down her cheeks. "I, uh, I just—I was I came in here to shower but I can't stop hearing Steve's voice in my head. And I just I needed something to stop it so I—"

"You needed something to stop what, Jude? Judy, what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, Jen. I mean I found the razor and I was holding it but I didn't—I didn't purposefully cut my hand, the door opened and scared me and I ended up with this cut. I'm sorry," Judy bowed her head, too shameful to look the blonde in the eyes.

Judy's disclosure did not ease any of Jen's worry. A lump found its way into the back of her throat and suddenly her mouth felt persistently parched. "Wait, wait, wait. You found the razor and if my son didn't walk in on you…Jude, what were you gonna do with the fucking razor?"

"It doesn't matter now."

"It does fucking matter. I care about you, Judy, and if you're—if you're feeling like hurting yourself, I need you to tell me," Jen sternly told her, combing her fingers delicately through the other's thick brown waves.

The care and affection slipping through Jen's voice tightened the constriction in Judy's chest. She didn't deserve Jen or Jen's affection, not after she fucking killed her husband. At least that was what Steve had told her she did. She hit Ted on his run and left him there to die. Jen knew that, now, and still gave comfort her to. She wasn't worthy of any of it.

"I—I thought about using the razor to cut into my skin. But just to silence my mind, Jen. It just…it won't stop. The thoughts, the memories. And I'm just—I'm so stupid. Really stupid. I'm sorry, Jen, I'm sorry for everything," sobs overpowered her in the end, shaking their way through.

Jen shook her head, biting down on her tongue while taking Judy's face in her hands. "You're not stupid, Jude. You're hurting, you're allowed to hurt but please—please don't hurt yourself even more by cutting yourself. You don't deserve that kind of treatment," her voice softly pleaded, hands brushing up and down along the cheeks they cradled.

"I am stupid, Jen, I can't—I can't fucking do anything right. Steve said—"

"Fuck Steve," the blonde bitterly interjected; eyes darkening at the mention of that god-forsaken Steve.

She couldn't stand that fucking Steve. All he ever seemed to do was talk shit about Judy. Sweet, precious, angel Judy. Her head shook madly the more she allowed her mind to dwindle on the man. She swallowed down the anger and refocused on the shaky woman in her arms. Fingertips delicately brushed along her cheek. "He was an asshole to you. I'll never forgive him for making you feel so fucking shitty about yourself. You are not even remotely stupid, Jude," her voice softened and she inched their faces closer.

Jen placed her thumb on Judy's forehead and ran it tenderly from one side to the other. "You wanted to hurt yourself because of how Steve made you feel about yourself, is that what you're getting at?"

When she saw the other's head slightly nod in response, she sighed and moved their faces even closer. So close that their lips naturally pressed together. It was soft and sweet and the most amazing sensation Jen had ever experienced. So, she brushed her lips over Judy's a second time—slower and deeper. Once their lips pulled apart, Jen cradled Judy's face out in front of her own and gazed warmly into her brown eyes. "I don't want you to ever feel like cutting yourself is the only way to stop the pain. The next time you feel this upset and overwhelmed, please come find me. Or if I'm not here, call me. You're my whole heart; I can't ever risk losing you, honey. I love you."