Slowly Morgan crept up the stairs of Reids apartment building, whistling a cheerful tune and carrying a bag of takeout while he did so. Earlier that day he had asked his best friend if he wanted to hang out but his friend had declined saying, "I think I want to be alone today but maybe next time, yeah?". Morgan wanted to leave it at that and give the kid his privacy, he really did, but something about the way Spencer said that didn't feel quite right to him.
That's why he went home from the bar earlier than he had originally planned and that's also why he bought take out for the two of them. Morgan wanted to spend time with the kid, maybe even get him talking about what was bothering him if he was lucky enough.
He finally reached Spencer's apartment and went to knock when a muffled noise could be heard from inside. The agent stopped in his tracks and got closer to the door listening closely for any other sounds. He didn't want to interrupt his friend if he had a visitor after all.
Several seconds went by with Morgan standing at Spencer's door, listening for noises before he heard something again. The agent paled slightly when he recognised the sounds as sobs, heartwrenching and loud. Without thinking he grabbed his spare key for Spencer's apartment and silently opened the door before closing it again and walking deeper into the living room.
With a bad feeling in his gut, the agent walked around the apartment, following the echoing sounds of crying into the bedroom where he froze and dropped the bag he was holding in shock. There his best friend was, sitting on his bed with his gun in hand holding it to his head. The kid looked absolutely wrecked, his eyes were red and puffy, he was pale and there were tears and snot streaming down his face.
The sound of the takeout hitting the floor was louder than Morgan thought and startled the young man sitting on the bed greatly. Quickly Spencer looked up and his eyes widened when he saw Morgan standing in his bedroom. "Morgan what are you doing here?" His voice trembled and he sounded a little confused as he spoke but he didn't lower his gun.
At that the older agent took a step forward but stopped again when he noticed how Spencers hand tightened around the weapon. "I told you I wanted to hang out with you, pretty boy." He tried to make his voice sound casual but the fear in his eyes clearly showed how tense he really felt.
A small smile could be seen on Spencer's face but it vanished just as fast as it came. "I told you I wanted to be alone." The young agent sounded tired when he said that and looked down at his hand that was fumbling with the hem of his shirt with a small frown on his face. Morgan used this to send a quick text to Hotch, telling him to gather the team and to get here as fast as they possibly could.
After that he put his phone away again and said, "I am glad I came here when I did." Morgan sounded sincere but still scared. "Why? It won't change anything." Spencer sounded frustrated but his tone was firm, increasing the anxiety Morgan felt. "I won't let you do that pretty boy, it isn't your time yet." With that he tried to move forward again but stopped soon after when Spencer pressed the gun harder against the side of his head. The next words out of Spencer's mouth sounded monotonous and made the room feel a little colder to Morgan than it truly was, "Who are you to decide that? It's my life, isn't it?"
"You can't just end it Spencer. Think about how the people in your life would feel. Don't leave us- don't leave me." Even tho his tone was pleading and his words were well intended he knew he said the wrong thing the second he saw Spencer's triggerfinger twitch.
His best friends head snapped in his direction and his eyes, even filled with tears, looked furious. A few seconds went by were noone spoke before Spencer started talking with a low, angry tone.
"You want me to stay alive for you, for the Team? And you basically try to tell me that I'm selfish for doing this?", "Spencer-", Derek wanted to interject, to tell him he misunderstood but Spencer interrupted him and continued, "No! Why do I have to live like that? Just so you feel better? So you can continue to pretend that everything is fine and dandy even tho I am in constant pain? Do you even know how I feel every day, do you?"
Both men remained silent after that. Spencer just panted slightly and looked at his supposed best friend with red, glassy eyes. The young man looked completely and utterly broken as he carded his free hand through his hair while looking down at the floor.
Derek on the other hand just stared at Spencer with a hopeless look clouding his features. The older agent didn't know what he was supposed to do. He just wanted to rush at Spencer and tear the gun out of his hand but he knew that one wrong move could mean his friend would pull the trigger so he stayed where he was.
Slowly the older agent asked, "How do you feel Spencer?", Derek wanted to know, he truly did, but he also wanted to stall as long as possible because he hoped his team members would get there in time, to help him stop his best friend from doing something so final.
Spencer let out a dark, humorless chuckle at that but didn't respond just yet. He only tightened the grip on his gun once again while he scratched his neck a few times. Seconds went by that felt like an eternity to both agents. Finally after almost a minute of uncomfortable silence Spencer asked, "Do you really want to know or are you just asking to give me the illusion that you care?" His voice was cold but the small tremble that was audible betrayed how much pain the young agent really felt in that very moment.
Cautiously and with as much care as he could Morgan answered, "I really want to know, of course I do." His voice had a softness to it that Spencer hadn't heard from the other agent until now, making him feel slightly more cared for than he did before, but it didn't really change anything else about how the younger man felt.
Spencer took a shuddering breath and started speaking, "I feel like I'm suffocating, Derek. Or rather like I am getting buried alive. Every day is just like the day before, I wake up and immedietly wish I hadn't, then I go to work and pretend everything is fine while I am dying inside and at the end of the day I go back to bed and hope that I won't wake up the next day. Every passing day is another pound of earth that gets thrown in my face making it harder and harder for me to breathe. Every second feels longer than it should and I think about how calm it would be to just close my eyes without having to open them again at least once an hour. And you want me to keep living like this just so you and the others won't feel sad? What about me and what I am feeling or is that just not important to you?" At the end of his monologe Spencer was out of breath and shaking like a leaf in a storm but he wasn't finished yet.
"That's the only reason why I am still alive, you know. I tried to live because you wanted me to and because I would feel guilty if I left you like that. I knew you would most likely feel sad for a little while so I went on and got up every day, pretending to be fine but I can't do that anymore. I just- I can't Derek. Every minute I have to go on, to pretend, hurts me so much and there is nothing I can do that changes that." With that Spencer started sobbing, laying his head on one of his hands while still clutching the gun in the other.
Derek stood there and looked at his best friend in terror. He didn't know what to say to that, didn't know what he could say to make this better. The older agent hadn't known how bad Spencer felt, hadn't seen the signs even tho he spent almost every day with the genius. He was a profiler and Spencer's best friend and yet he didn't see how bad his friend felt, how deeply hurt he was.
Morgan took a shaky step forward hoping to get close enough to Spencer so he could take the gun away from him but the younger agent seemed to expect that and scrambled away from him until his back hit the headboard, never lowering the gun even tho his hands shook more and more with every passing moment.
"Spencer please let's just talk about this. Let us- let me help you." He knew he sounded desperate but he didn't care about that, because he was. The agent desperately hoped his friend would see reason and put the gun down, he just wanted to run over and gather the young man in a hug, he wanted to make it all better but he had to get through to Spencer first.
"You still don't get it, do you? I don't want your help I just want to move on!" Spencers voice got louder and more agitated at the end, surprising Morgan a little but before the older agent could say anything to that Spencer spoke up again. "I knew you would do this, I knew it. That's why I wanted to be alone, why I told you I wanted to be alone today but you didn't listen, you never listen!" The last words came out as heartwrenching sobs that shook Morgan to his core.
Seconds after his best friend stopped speaking he noticed a shift in Spencer's demeanor and felt dread settle deep into his stomach as he looked into his friends eyes. The younger agent looked so exhausted but also reliefed while Morgan just looked afraid and horrified. The older agent took another step forward when he saw Spencer's finger tightening on the trigger and opened his mouth to say something, anything to get his best friend, his little brother, away from the gun but he was too late.
Not even a second later a shot rang out, loud and deafening, while Derek screamed Spencer's name in anguish and disbelief. The agent choked and gagged slightly when he heard the blood of his friend splatter against the wall. With trembling limbs he ran over and grabbed the still warm body of Dr. Spencer Reid and pulled his head close against his chest. He didn't even register the gun cluttering to the ground right next to him, too occupied with the lifeless body in his arms.
He then slowly brought a shaking hand up to his friends hair, carding his fingers through it carefully, while murmering desperate pleas of, "Don't leave me pretty boy, please open your eyes." and, "Don't you dare do this to me." over and over again. Minutes went by like that, with Derek clutching the body of his best friend while rocking back and forth and murmering pleas into the dead mans bloody hair.
Derek was distantly aware of a multitude of sharp gasps followed by painfull sobs but he didn't turn around to look at their team, he just continued to stare into Spencer's colorless face, brushing strands of hair out of it once in a while. Some time after that he noticed someone trying to pry his best friend out of his embrace but he didn't let go. When the person persisted he turned around with an angry but deeply sad look on his face, coming face to face with an EMT. Without saying anything he turned back to his friend and continued his earlier ministrations but was stopped once again by a firm hand on his shoulder.
Slowly he turned towards the person that touched him and was greeted by the sorrowful looking Aaron Hotchner. The unit chief looked as if he had been crying and sounded like it too when he said, "Come on Derek, they have to take him away." His voice wasn't louder than a whisper but it was still heard loud and clear by everyone in the room as it was deadly quiet.
Morgan turned back to his best friend and said, "I don't want to leave him alone, Hotch, I don't want to leave him alone." His voice sounded small and fragile which was so unlike him that it even surprised himself a little.
"He knows he isn't alone but you have- you have to let go." The chief's voice broke at the end, showing how much pain the agent felt at the moment. With trembling limbs Morgan reluctantly let go of his best friend, laying him carefully on the bed before the EMT's gathered Spencer's cooling body up to put it on a stretcher.
Derek didn't turn around when they wheeled Spencer out of the room, he didn't even turn around when he heard Garcia speak, "Derek?". She was crying and sounded exhausted but he couldn't bring himself to move. He had just seen his best friend commit suicide and he diddn't do anything about it. He wasn't fast enough-, he wasn't good enough to help him.
The team stayed in the room for around thirty more minutes because that's how long it took for them to get Derek to stand up from the bed and leave the apartment. They then decided to go spent the night at Rossi's so that noone had to spent the night alone. The whole way there the team was crying, all except for Derek who just stared out of the window while thinking about his best friend. He thought about all the signs he dismissed and all the times where he should have done more for him but didn't.
Later that day after everyone fell asleep, Derek sat awake in the living room and thought about the past day and about how he let Spencer down once more. The agent thought about how sorry he was for failing his little brother and about how reliefed Spencer looked when he pulled the trigger.
If he was eyeing his own gun while thinking then that was noones business except his own.