5. Acting Normal

There were a solid five seconds the next morning when Pony woke to the sound of the shower turning on that she almost forgot what she'd done. She lay curled up in her bed, wrapped in the pink blanket that her Mom had helped her pick out two years ago, and stared at the light coming in through her curtains, and for just a moment, she didn't think about any of it. She wondered if Darry was up already, or if he'd sleep in, and what Susie was up to, and if Soda had plans…but then it all came back with a suddenness that nearly took her breath away.

Fighting with Susie. Going to the movies on her own. Bob Sheldon cornering her by the bathrooms. Soda's knife. Dally finding her.

All of it.

It was almost impossible to force herself to get up. She wanted to stay in bed, wrapped up in her blanket, but her brothers would really worry then, and she had to pretend that everything was normal. So she made herself stand up and walk over to her closet, pulling out jeans and a sweatshirt. She was grateful that it was cold out…it made it easier for her to cover up. Just the thought of wearing a skirt or even shorts made her shudder…made her remember how Bob had looked at her. How he'd touched her. Trying to push all of that away, she ran a brush through her hair, then opened her door to peer into the empty kitchen.

Since no one had made breakfast yet, she started making eggs, feeling like she was in a fog as she fried bacon for Darry's sandwich. Soda came out of the bathroom wearing only a pair of jeans as she was putting the bacon and egg sandwich together for Darry, and, towel still looped around his shoulders, he grabbed a couple of glasses from the cabinet.

"You have any more nightmares?" he asked, keeping his voice down and making sure to be quiet shutting the cabinet so Darry could sleep.

Pony shook her head. She wasn't lying…if she'd had more nightmares, they hadn't woken her, and she couldn't remember them.

He poured them both glasses of milk, then added the chocolate. "You feeling okay?"

She nodded.

Usually Sodapop looking worried like he was now would make her hurry to reassure him. She always hated Soda being sad or upset. But it was like she couldn't feel too much of anything at the moment…like she was trapped in a weird fog. She'd killed Bob Sheldon. She'd killed him. With a knife. Sodapop's knife. And no one but Dally could know that. Not ever. He'd never tell, she reminded herself. If he did, Darry would probably beat the shit out of him. And he might even get in trouble for helping her cover it up. No one else knew anything. So all she had to do was keep quiet.

They were both silence as she carried their plates to the table, but she could feel his eyes on her while she sat down and started eating.

"Pony?"

"Hm?" she asked, staring down at her place, then jerked back when his hand touched her forehead. Eyes wide, he stared at her for a second then, moving slow, pressed the back of his hand to her skin again like he was checking for a fever.

"What's wrong, kiddo?"

"Nothing." She shrugged, pushing her food around and batting him away. She wanted out of the house, but most stuff was closed on Sunday, including the library where she'd usually go to get away from Darry. He couldn't yell at her for doing homework, and she'd usually read too, since it was so quiet. Today, though, she realized she didn't want quiet. She didn't want time to think about any of it. "You want to go to the park? Play some basketball?" she blurted out, praying he said yes. All she wanted was to get out of that house and out of her own head. It was like something inside of her was broken…like she was broken, but maybe going out and doing something normal would help fix it.

Most greasers around town didn't like when Soda brought her to the courts and didn't want to play with a girl, but when her brother wasn't busy, he'd play with her, and the gang too, even though they were always a lot more careful with her. She knew they were afraid of answering to Darry and Soda if she got hurt.

Soda nodded slowly, giving her another once-over before pushing away from the table, swallowing his last bite of egg with jelly, and she tried not to watch, still grossed out by the sight. "Yeah, sounds good. We can leave a note for Darry."

Soda cleaned up since she'd cooked, and Pony grabbed the old basketball from the shed out back, pumping some air into it to make sure it would bounce right, then carried it under her arm into the house. It didn't take long for him to finish cleaning up, and together they headed to the park a couple of blocks away where there were two fenced off basketball courts. It was still early, so nobody was really around, and she tossed Soda the ball and pulled her hair up into a ponytail, more than ready for a distraction.

Back when they were kids, their dad used to walk them to the park on weekends if he didn't have to work. He'd been the one to teach her how to play basketball, and although she'd never played for their school team, it was something to pass the time that she and Soda could do together…Darry too, back when he'd still liked her. Football was rough, and the guys didn't want her playing much since none of them were willing to tackle her except maybe Dallas, and back when Sodapop had gotten hurt at the rodeo, they'd stopped going to ride horses. She liked running track real well, but Sodapop didn't like to run much and she doubted he'd want to go to the high school with her and run laps.

Usually she'd be alright spending the day on her own. Hell, she was used to it since she'd been moved up a grade and since her parents had died. But not today. Today, she wanted to do what that doctor had suggested when Darry had taken her, back when she'd first started having those awful nightmares. She wanted to tire herself out…to play basketball and run back and forth on the fenced in concrete court trying to beat Soda at their game until she was too tired to think about what she'd done.

They shot hoops for a while, the two of them trying to score on the other, then played a couple games of HORSE. He was better than her, but she didn't mind much. She forgot, sometimes, what it had been like when they were younger, the two of them hanging out and him taking her places, always letting her tag along. Everything was so different now, and a lot of days, she felt like he'd left her behind. Susie too. Now, though, she tried to only let herself think about getting the basketball into the hoop.

About an hour had passed, and she was throwing her head back, whooping and hollering when Soda missed his shot, when she caught sight of someone crossing the park. For a second, she froze up, thoughts of Bob Sheldon and his friends coming to the forefront of her mind. What if they knew? What if they were coming to find her? But that didn't make sense because no one had seen and besides, they wouldn't know she was playing basketball with her brother at the park. Besides, it didn't take long for her to recognize Darry, and when he reached them, he leaned on the chain link fence, looking almost young…almost like her big brother again, and she cursed herself for being paranoid.

"You winning?" he asked, and Soda grabbed the ball from where it had rolled after it had bounced off the rim.

"No…I won the last one though."

"Barely!" Soda called, and Darry grinned. It was a rare sight these days…she guessed he was just in a good mood since he'd gotten enough sleep. "Want to play?"

Pony tried not to resent Darry joining them. She'd just been almost succeeding in forgetting about the events of the day before…well, she corrected herself, not quite forgetting. But she'd been able to focus on something else, even if it did feel like she was watching herself play from a distance. Still, she did her best to act normal as Darry came around the fence and caught the ball Soda threw him. All she had to do was act normal and keep her trap shut.

So she did.

The three of them played a game, her and Soda against Darry, and for the most part, it was fine. She was smaller than them, but she was faster too, even if most of what she did was pass to Soda so he could make the shots. The only hiccup came when she was trying to get the ball from Darry and tripped over his foot which sent her sprawling onto the concrete, catching herself on her hands that slid on the pavement. She was up before either of them could worry, using Darry's distraction to smack the ball out of his hands and towards Soda, and wiped her palms on her jeans. She barely even felt it…she was just glad to have an excuse for her hands now in case either of her brothers noticed the scrapes there.

Keith showed up not too much later, and Steve too. Pony didn't ask him about Susie, even if she wanted to. Her and Susie tried not to bring their brothers into any fights they had…neither of them liked the guys worrying or fussing over stuff between the two of them. Besides, Pony was still embarrassed about being so upset, and more than anything, she wanted to tell her best friend what had happened. She couldn't, though. Not ever. And it would be easier to keep it quiet if she didn't see Susie for a little while.

"Hey, Curtises!" Keith called, him and Steve stepping onto the court, and he reached out to pull on her ponytail, grinning when she pushed him away. "Hey, Pony-kid."

"You lazy greasers finally get out of bed?" Soda asked with a grin, and as Steve laughed and said something smart, she felt like she was drifting out of herself. They didn't know…didn't have any idea that she'd killed someone yesterday. That the knife in her bedside table had been in Bob Sheldon's back. They thought everything was normal. How could they not know? She'd never kept anything like this from Sodapop. What would happen if he found out?

If they all found out?

Would Steve call her stupid for wandering off on her own? Would Keith go after Bob's friends since he couldn't get to Bob?

"You hear anything else about Sheldon?"

Steve's words jerked her out of her thoughts and she tried not to let her jaw drop open. Of course they'd talk about Bob! It had happened at the drive in and they'd probably run into him before.

"It was on the news this morning," Darry told him, looking grim. "Cops don't know who killed him."

"Dal said he didn't know nothing. Think he's lying?" Keith wondered.

"Probably," Steve put in.

"Said he was with Pony." Darry glanced over at her as he said it, like he was checking on her. Probably making sure she wasn't running off on her own or nothing, she thought bitterly. She kind of wanted to, now that Steve was there, but she didn't know where she'd go. She guessed she could swallow her pride and go find Susie, but despite everything that had happened, she still didn't want to face her. Not after she'd almost cried when she'd told her she was quitting the track team.

It wasn't even a big deal, she told herself, knowing it was a lie even as she thought it. She shouldn't care so much. Not about Susie making other friends, or Sodapop leaving her behind, probably to marry his girl as soon as he could, or Darry hating her.

"You see anything, Pony?" Keith asked her, pulling her out of her thoughts again, and she shook her head.

"We were getting popcorn." Her voice sounded oddly flat, and she couldn't make herself look at any of them in the eye, but no one really seemed to notice…until she realized that Steve was looking at her funny, like he was trying to figure something out. But he couldn't figure it out! "What?" she asked, feeling defensive, and he rolled his eyes, turning to Soda.

"You want to go to the lot. Play some football instead?"

She hated Steve then. Hated him bad enough to hit him. He knew Darry didn't like her playing football since it was so rough, and he was obviously just trying to get rid of her. Still, when Soda glanced over at her, looking guilty, she just shrugged. She knew he wouldn't want to tell Steve no, and that he'd try to apologize and let her down easy, and she didn't want to hear any of it, not when her eyes were hot and she felt like a stupid tag-along kid.

"Go ahead. I've got stuff to do at home."

Before Darry could speak up about her going off on her own, even though it was only a couple of blocks and she'd gone off on her own plenty of times, Keith threw an arm around her shoulders. "I'll walk with you. I was meaning to get a slice of that famous Sodapop chocolate cake anyway."

Ignoring Darry and Soda both, and knowing that Steve would probably call her a brat as soon as she was out of hearing distance, she shrugged again, turning and headed toward the house, Keith jogging to catch up with her. He wasn't about to let her leave him behind though, and she had to smile a little when he shoved his hands in his pockets, bumping his shoulder against hers. "What's going on, Pony-kid?"

"Steve's a dick."

Darry would have gotten on her for talking like that, but Keith just nodded sagely. "Yeah, I suppose he is."

Just hearing him agree made her feel a little better, and she didn't pull away when he patted her on the back. "He hates having me around." She knew she sounded whiney, but she couldn't help it. "He's always trying to get rid of me."

"You know how Steve is. He don't like it when Susie hangs around either. He doesn't get little sisters." He told her. "Just ignore him. I do."

She snorted at that, heading up their porch stairs and throwing the door open, him just a step behind her. "You didn't have to walk me. It's just two blocks."

"Forgive your big brother for being worried about you being on your own, kid. A guy just got murdered yesterday, remember?"

She swallowed hard, nodding and trying not to look guilty. "Yeah, but that was at night. No one's going to murder me while I'm walking down the street in broad daylight."

"That's right. Because one of us will be walking with you and we won't let 'em."

Pony rolled her eyes, giving up on arguing with him.

Keith did end up getting a slice of cake and talked her into having one too. Her mom used to tell her that she had to be careful about eating too much cake…that girls couldn't eat like boys, but if that was a rule, it wasn't one Darry ever enforced, so now she ignored that memory and scarfed down a slice of cake with her brother's friend, the two of them sitting in the living room and watching cartoons on TV. When it was done, she took the dishes to the sink and Keith headed out. "I'll see you around, Pony-kid. Go easy on your brothers, alright?"

She just rolled her eyes as she washed up. She was always easy on them. It was Darry he ought to be telling that.

Once she was alone in the too-quiet house, Pony's mind wanted to wander back to what she'd done, but she couldn't let that happen. Instead she turned the TV up, then turned their radio on as she took the fastest shower she could. When that wasn't enough, she grabbed a book, curling up on the sofa and reading until her growling stomach sent her to the kitchen to look for food. Without being able to call Susie, and knowing Darry would jump all over her if she went running or to the track on her own without telling him, Pony spent the rest of the day in the house that didn't feel like home anymore, doing her very best to avoid thoughts of Bob Sheldon and what she'd done to him.

Or what he'd tried to do to her.

Thanks for reading!