5. Whispering of Fields Unsown

Somehow, they'd managed to eat, clean up after themselves, and get out without waking anyone. Either they had been really quiet or Yuuri's family was making a point of giving them the privacy they needed. For a while they walked in silence, but it wasn't the oppressive kind. Eventually, Viktor's hand found Yuuri's and squeezed. 'Hey, listen. I've had a lot of time to think and I feel like I did you dirty, Yuuri.'

The young man stared at him with wide eyes. 'How do you work that one out?'

'I never considered how rooted you are here. Would you prefer … to stay here? With me, of course. I'm not trying to convince you that you're better off without me. I don't think so and I know you don't either.'

'I know what you mean. You can stop babbling.' Yuuri's voice held the hint of a smile that softened his words. 'But you have your entire life built in Russia. I won't take that away from you.'

'And what life is that?' Viktor looked at him. 'My private life there consists of crazy fans and strangers that want to get a shot with me they can brag with. With three notable exceptions, including you. One of those travels the world so much for work I'm as likely to run into her here as I am in Saint Petersburg. The other is heading the same way. I don't think I'm giving up half as much as you would, but you always put me ahead without a second thought. You've been wistful, and I know it wasn't that you're unhappy with me.'

'I … your career is in Russia, Viktor.'

'We've talked about that, haven't we?' His lips twitched. 'That aside … well, if one of us has to change their citizenship, it should be the one who's giving up less on a deeply personal level. It doesn't take a genius to figure out who that is among us.'

'Why would you …' Yuuri blinked, let go of Viktor's hand and took a step backwards. 'Oh, no, no, no. No way. You've got to be joking! You're not possibly thinking that I'll ever pair skate with you after I almost killed you!'

'Now you're being dramatic.'

'How dare you, Viktor?' Yuuri's eyes were swimming, his voice soft with pain. 'You threatened me with suicide if you injured me when I know that your parents killed themselves, and now that I am the one who really injured you, you belittle me?'

'Oh, God, that is how I sound, isn't it? I don't mean to.' Viktor's calm made Yuuri feel foolish. It only added to his distress, but Viktor continued before he could react and make it worse. 'I should never have said that to you and the moment I had I wished I could undo it. I wasn't threatening you, I made a thoughtless, inappropriate statement, but I never meant it. I know I scared you, and I regret that so much.' He stepped close again and hooked the first joints of his free fingers into Yuuri's. 'You know I sometimes run at the mouth, don't you?'

Yuuri wiped over his eyes impatiently and nodded. 'Yes. I know that.'

'Good.' Viktor smiled slightly. 'Can I kiss you, please?'

'S-sure.'

Viktor leaned in and touched their lips together chastely. 'You also know I sometimes say things I don't mean that way. I'm … trying to do better, but sometimes I just suck at communicating, and I tend to notice too late. Here's something I do mean: I promise you, I will never do that to you. And I certainly didn't imply that you should do any such thing. Minako really scared me when she said you thought I wanted that.'

Surprise won over Yuuri's anguish. 'She talked to you? That was never for your ears. I was just … well … being dramatic. I really hope she didn't spread this around. People would think you're a monster.'

'I don't care about what anyone thinks except you. Now I know you're okay and that is enough for me. But it was a hard thing to shake off.'

'I understand. Maybe we should both learn when to stop talking.'

Viktor took Yuuri's calm answer as an invitation to put an arm around his shoulder as they resumed walking, and when his fiancé leaned into him, he sighed. 'And about injuring me … the thing is, most of my injuries would have been the same if I'd been alone.'

'But … I must have tripped you and …'

'You were behind me, you couldn't trip me. Someone wanted to hurt us. The lights going out weren't a technical glitch, someone turned them off to sabotage the rink in the dark. Of course, there is no useful footage of the person, but the cameras show someone at the door after it happened.'

'Can you give me a damage report? I want to know how much I can hug you.'

Viktor chuckled and turned his head to place a kiss on Yuuri's temple. 'A concussion, a few broken ribs, and a few fingers that'll need physical therapy. That one was you, but it wasn't your fault. Nor mine, for that matter. The broken ribs are the most annoying part by now. It hurts when I get out of breath and you might not want to crush me too hard. I also have to move a bit carefully, still, so no skating for me yet.'

'So, in essence, this proves that you were right about it being too risky.'

'If we skate in the pitch dark with some malicious person we don't know about skulking in the shadows, then yes. That doesn't happen all that often, though.' He shrugged. 'Before that, it was working really well, wasn't it? Think about it. It was your idea. And I'll still have you compete as a single skater, mind you. Just not against me.'

'I can't believe we're even having that conversation, but maybe when I've calmed down a bit, I can do that. Consider it, that is.'

'That is all I'm asking, милый. But you don't need to worry about me. I'll recover fully. I've had worse injuries before I was thirteen, to be honest. From skating alone, mind you, and being more convinced of myself than I should have been. Honestly … I'd take a lot more pain if I could have Makkachin back.'

'It's so cruel that all that had to happen to you at once.'

'About that. I need you to promise me not to fret about what I'll tell you.'

'I can't promise that before hearing it. I'll fret if I think the situation warrants fretting.'

'Well, it does, perhaps, but not 7000 kilometres away. Someone got into my apartment when I was in hospital and killed him. I … don't know why, but it might have been the same person who was at the rink. It's too much of a … Yuuri!'

The young man had given a yell of frustration and kicked the fence they were walking by. 'It's my fault, then!' His voice cracked. 'If I'd been there …'

'If you'd been there, there's an excellent chance Katarina would have found you lying dead on the floor,' Viktor interrupted. 'Think how that would make me feel! It's not your fault, you couldn't possibly foresee this!'

'I just … I am so inadequate! You'll never forgive me, and why should you!'

'Rubbish.' Viktor grabbed Yuuri's upper arms and held them until their eyes finally met. 'Listen to me. Your love for me is clear as daylight in every word you say, in every look you give me. I'm not saying that you didn't mess up when you left because that was viciously painful, but it's nothing compared to all the good stuff we share. When I first came here … to go back to that tired old story … I came for your Eros. This time I came for your Agape. For the fact that we can have a talk like this and know we'll come out stronger rather than broken. For the way you respect me; the way you sometimes smile just because I'm there; for you calling me Viten'ka, which is cute and something no-one has called me before; for the fact that when we make love, I feel like it's all about me, as if I couldn't be replaced by someone, anyone else.'

Yuuri's eyes opened wide. 'But of course you couldn't be! I don't want anyone else!'

'I know, and that's just it. No-one has given me that feeling before you, Yuuri, my entire life I've been an investment or a trophy. With you, all I can do is hope to live up to that incredible standard you're setting. And when you run away like that, I start doubting if I'm succeeding at all. Because you should be as confident in my love as I am in yours.'

'I … didn't think of it that way at all. Viktor, you …'

'I wasn't done.' Viktor's hands brushed upwards in a soft caress until they cradled Yuuri's face. He pressed their foreheads together and continued in a quiet voice. 'I am really hurt, Yuuri, and I need a promise from you: That you won't flee again? I know you won't abandon me if I get sick or … I don't know, get hit by a car and land in a wheelchair. But even when something bad happens and you think that it's your fault, that you've done something unforgiveable, have a little faith in me and let me be the judge of what I can and can't forgive. I thought I'd lost you, Yuuri. I really don't want to go through that crushing fear again: That I'll never hold you again, just because you can't love yourself as much as you should and feel like I shouldn't, either.'

Yuuri sniffed and leaned forwards, his forehead meeting Viktor's collarbone and his arms wrapped cautiously around his waist. 'I promise. You know … I was going to come back.' He sniffed again, burying his face in Viktor's body to hide his tears. 'I never even unpacked because all I wanted was to go home to you. But I was so scared. What if you'd kicked me out? It would have devastated me. Just before you showed up, I told Mari I was going to buy a ticket to Russia. I missed you so much, Viten'ka, I didn't know how to even exist. Everything hurt, everything reminded me of you, of us, of what I thought I'd ruined. I had to at least try. She encouraged me, told me you'd never break my heart like that, but then she suddenly barged into my room and told me not to get a ticket just yet because she wanted me to see something first that she needed to prepare.'

Viktor gave a sound between a chuckle and a sob. 'That must have been after she'd sent me to the shower. Yuuri. Coming here … it was one of the most frightening things I've ever done. I was given my ticket by Linda because she thought I'd be too chicken without a good kick. So you can stop beating yourself up. It seems very exhausting, and I was definitely not braver than you.'

Yuuri looked up at him, his face earnest but peaceful. 'You know what all of this reaffirmed for me?' Viktor gave a single nod for him to continue. 'That I … that I want to marry you, Viktor. Being without you, not knowing what would happen. It didn't get any easier and I … that's why I'd have come back. I want you in my life, Viktor. Not just for the near future while we're still active, but I want … I want to be with you when we're both old and grey. And that possibility, it was worth the risk of being rejected.'

Viktor swallowed past the lump in his throat. 'I feel the same way about you, Yuuri. This uncertainty, that was hell for both of us. Let's … not do that again.' He smiled softly. 'And thank you for not asking if I still want to marry you. For knowing the answer.'

'You wouldn't be here otherwise. All of that chaos back in Russia settles it, though. You're staying here, at least for a while. Someone's after you.'

'Or you. Or both of us. We don't know that and I doubt if the police will find out much. They worked cleanly.'

'Doesn't matter. We're not risking that someone harms us again. Deal?'

Viktor put his arms around Yuuri and squeezed. 'Deal.'