12. Confessions
Several hours later, she woke to light streaming in through Susie's bedroom window and a fist pounding on the front door. It only took her a couple of seconds to remember everything…to remember what had happened the night before. Going to see Dally at Buck's. Going to the lot and falling asleep. Her fight with Darry. Him slapping her so hard her face had still hurt as she'd been falling asleep. She tensed, hoping it wasn't him beating on the door. She didn't want to talk to him.
Pony heard Keith's bedroom door open and she glanced at the alarm clock on Susie's nightstand. Just past 10. Her friend was awake, and she gripped her shoulder as soon as Pony turned to her. "If it's Darry, you don't have to see him if you want. I'll tell him to go away…I'll tell him you're sick or something," she whispered fiercely.
Pony couldn't help smiling at her friend. She was half Darry's size, but she knew that Susie would stand up to him if it came to it. "Thanks."
"I'm coming. Keep your pants on," Keith grumbled, and Pony and Susie went quiet, listening to him open the door. "Jesus, Sodapop. You're gonna wake the whole neighborhood. My mom's still asleep, man."
"Is she here?"
"My mom?"
"Cut it out, Two-Bit! Is my sister here?"
Keith sighed. "Yeah, her and Susie are still asleep, so keep it down. Where's the big one?"
"He's still at home."
Pony deflated, sighing in relief, and Susie threw an arm around her, squeezing her in a hug like Soda would.
"Yeah? He's lucky then," Keith muttered, and their front door closed.
"Is she okay?" Soda asked, sounding subdued.
"What do you think?" She could just imagine the look on Soda's face. "I gotta say, I never thought I'd see the day he hit that kid. I didn't think Darry was like that."
Soda was quiet, but she knew it hurt to hear Keith say it. It hurt her too, even if she was mad at Darry. Because they weren't supposed to be that kind of family! Not like Steve's old man or Johnny's parents. They might be poor but they weren't bad!
"I want to talk to her."
"I think they're still asleep."
"Come on, man." Soda's voice was soft and almost pleading.
Pony couldn't stand to hear him beg, so she got up, wriggling out from underneath Susie's arm, and her friend let her. Padding over to the door in thick, warm socks she'd borrowed from Susie's dresser, she opened the bedroom door. Soda and Keith both turned to look at her, and then Soda's arms were around her almost before she'd stepped into the room.
"Glory, Pony," he whispered, shaking his head. "I thought you were gonna run off."
"Don't have anywhere else to go," she muttered bitterly, and he squeezed her tighter. She waited for him to tell her she shouldn't be upset with Darry…that he hadn't meant it. But he was oddly quiet for a long time.
Soda was never quiet. Not for long.
She pulled back after a while, glad Darry was nowhere to be seen. Looking into his worried, red-rimmed eyes underscored by dark shadows that told her he hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, she felt a pang, chest tightening. "Sorry," she whispered. She was still mad at Darry, sure, but she hadn't meant for Soda to worry about her…especially not when he was already upset about Sandy.
He shook his head, his face too serious. She missed when they didn't all have to be so serious all the time. "You okay?"
"Yeah…I'm fine," she told him with a shrug, trying not to cry. It was all too much though. Soda worrying and Darry so mad he'd hit her…Dally's empty promise that everything was going to be fine when it wasn't. Allen thinking she knew who'd killed Bob and the memory of the knife going into Bob's back. She hadn't meant for any of this to happen…hadn't wanted any of it.
"Two, can you give us a minute?"
Keith nodded, patting her on the shoulder as he passed, and both his and Susie's doors shut. Pony wondered if they were sitting on the other side of their doors, ears pressed to the wood so they could hear or, if, unlike her, they minded their own business.
Soda led her over to their couch, sitting down with an arm tight around her shoulders and she leaned on him. "You okay, honey? Really?"
She nodded.
"Darry shouldn't have done that."
She was quiet.
"I mean it. I was mad enough to take a swing at him myself. I thought you were gonna run…I thought you'd run and something might happen to you, and I thought I might never see you again," he whispered, as scared as she'd ever heard him, and she squeezed him tight. "I don't know what I'd do if I lost you too, Pony." He hid his face in her hair, holding her so tight it ached, but she didn't care.
"I don't know what I did to make him hate me so much," she confided, voice barely above a whisper, and he shook his head, a hand on her hair like he was hiding her from anything that wanted to hurt her.
"Baby, he doesn't hate you." He held her fast when she went to pull away. "Just…listen to me. Please. He was so scared last night. He thought…when you didn't come home, and with Allen out there, he thought something awful had happened to you. Then he was so mad…he shouldn't have hit you. I don't care what you do, he ain't ever got the right to hit you. But he didn't mean to."
"Yeah well I didn't mean to stay out so late, but he sure didn't care."
"I'm not saying you shouldn't be mad at him. That's fine. I'm mad at him too." Soda squeezed her one last time before letting her go, pulling away enough to look her in the eye. He stared at her for a long time, like he was trying to figure something out. "Can you tell me where you were yesterday?"
Pony dropped her eyes.
"I ain't gonna be mad. I promise. But you told us you were out with people that, as far as I can tell, don't exist. What's going on?" He squeezed her shoulder, leaning in. "We're worried, honey. It's like…somethings going on, and you don't want to tell us." She shook her head, wiping at her eyes, but he went on. "If somethings wrong, you can tell me. You know that, right? You can talk to me about anything. Hell, I won't tell Darry if you don't want me to." He brushed a hand over her cheek, wiping away a tear that had escaped. "Are you in trouble?"
Was she in trouble?
Hell yes, she was in trouble.
Pony didn't mean to nod, but she did. Dally had told her to keep her trap shut but she couldn't do it anymore. It was pathetic…she'd barely lasted a week, but Bob's friends suspected and sooner or later it was going to get out and she didn't know what else to do. Besides, if she couldn't talk to Soda, she might just blow up. "Yeah," she whispered, dropping her eyes as another tear fell. "I'm in trouble, Soda."
He nodded. "Okay. Talk to me. Whatever it is, we're gonna figure it out. I promise. Is it something to do with Russell? Because if it is, you ain't gotta worry. We're going to take care of him." She could tell he was trying to smile, his arm draped around her, holding her close just like after a nightmare, and she didn't mean for the words to escape, but they did, forcing their way out.
"I killed Bob Sheldon," she sobbed, not daring to look up at him and see his horror written on his face. His sudden, absolute stillness was bad enough.
"What?" he whispered after a second, voice strangled. "You…what?"
"I killed him," she whispered, her voice so quiet it was a wonder he could hear her. "I stabbed him with your knife."
She waited for him to push her away…to yell. Instead, he held her closer, wrapping her up in his arms like he was trying to keep her safe. "Why?"
"He attacked me outside the bathroom," she explained, face reddening with shame. "He had me on the ground, out by the bathrooms at the drive in, and no one was around…" A tear slipped down her cheek, another sob making it impossible to speak for a second. Soda just held her, and she was glad she couldn't see his face. Glad she couldn't see the horror that must have been there. "He wouldn't stop. I…I had your knife. I swiped it from your dresser. And I stabbed him."
Pony shook so hard it felt like she might shake apart, but Soda held her together while she cried. She just wanted Soda to be able to make this okay. He rocked her a little, and she could practically hear him thinking.
"I'm sorry, Soda," she whimpered, choking on the words, but he shook his head.
"No…honey, it was self-defense. You…you were just protecting yourself."
Just those words made her cry harder. He wasn't supposed to be understanding. He wasn't supposed to take her side so fast without even hearing the rest of the story. But of course he did…because this was Sodapop.
"Why were you by yourself?"
"I went to the movies by myself," she admitted. "I do it sometimes. Tell Darry I'm with Janet or Lucy."
"Why?"
She shrugged, shamefaced. "I was fighting with Susie and didn't have anyone else to go with. He wouldn't let me go alone."
Soda sighed, his forehead resting on the top of her head. "Okay…just…tell me what happened. The whole story."
So she did. She told him about running into Dally and Johnny at the movies, and then how Bob had been outside the bathroom. She didn't meet his eyes when she told him what Bob had done to her, but she could feel how mad he was even without looking at him. Then she told him how Dally had come…how he'd helped her.
"He wanted me to leave the knife, but it has your name on it. Then he said to leave it with him but…but then they'd think he did it! So…so I got cleaned up and we got drinks and popcorn and went back to the movie. When they found him, we left and Dally walked me home. Told me to keep my trap shut and no one would know anything."
Soda nodded. "That's why you were upset." He brushed her hair back. "I knew something was wrong. I should have tried to talk to you."
"Dally told me not to tell anyone. So I didn't say nothing. But Allen Russell thinks I know something. That's why he came after me at school, and why he jumped me. He's trying to get me to talk. I think…he thinks Dally did it."
"Darry's gonna take care of him. Me too. Don't worry."
"I went to see Dally yesterday. At Buck's," she admitted. "That's where I was when I was supposed to be at Janet's. I thought he might know what to do. What if Allen tells the cops that he thinks Dally did it?" she asked, her words coming out in a rush. "Cherry knows I went to the bathroom alone and that Dally came after me later. And what if Bob told someone he saw me at the drive in and was coming after me?"
"Dally wouldn't rat you out, Pone."
"But he'd get arrested for it! He might go to jail, or get the electric chair or…"
"Woah…slow down, honey," he murmured, hands on her shoulders, and she made herself stop and look at him. "Dally didn't do nothing wrong. No way the fuzz can pin this on him. Dally was right about keeping quiet. I mean, he should have told me and Darry what happened, but he was right about not talking to anybody else. You're doing everything right, Pony. You did what you had to to protect yourself, and Bob deserved what he got." Soda's eyes were hard for a second. "I'd have done the same thing if I'd caught him trying to hurt you. Darry too. Hell, we'd have done worse."
She nodded, closing her eyes and resting her head on his chest. It was the same thing Dally had said, and she believed it.
"You're gonna be okay, honey. I promise."
"Are you going to tell Darry?"
He hesitated, squeezing her in another hug. "No," he said after a moment. "Not right now. We're gonna act normal, okay? I know that's hard for you…" A surprised laugh bubbled out of her when he grinned and poked her side. "We'll keep our heads down and keep quiet, and no one's going to know. Okay?"
"What if they tell the cops it was me?"
"They ain't got no reason to think it was. But if that happens..we'll figure it out, okay? That's when we'll tell Darry."
"I don't want to talk to him."
He sighed. "Yeah. I know. You don't have to talk to him just yet. Just…come home. Please? He'll leave you alone."
She couldn't say no to Sodapop, so she nodded. "Let me get dressed."
The minute she stepped into Susie's bedroom and met her friend's eyes, she knew that Susie was just like her. Always listening at bedroom doors.
Pony shut the door behind her, flushing. Susie was staring at her, mouth open. "You killed him?" her friend asked in a whisper, and Pony nodded, dropping her gaze. "You said he had you on the ground?" Pony nodded again, and Susie swore under her breath, hurrying forward and wrapping Pony in her arms.
It wasn't the reaction she'd been expecting…she'd half expected Susie to call her a murderer when she found out. A monster. What kind of person just stabbed someone then went on about their life and never had to pay for it or talk about it or nothing? But Susie held her real tight, squeezing her shirt in her fist, and Pony had to fight not to start crying again.
"I would have gone with you. To the movies."
"Susie…"
"No, I should have! I knew you lied to Darry sometimes about who you were hanging out with, but I…I would have brought some of my other friends and we all could have gone together!"
"It was stupid of me to go to the bathroom on my own," Pony whispered. "I figured people would say I was asking for it."
"No, it was stupid for Bob Sheldon to mess with you. Soda's right. He got what he deserved." She pulled away, her gray eyes cold and stormy like Two-Bit's got sometimes. "I'd have killed him too. If I'd caught him. I know Keith would have, and your brothers. All the guys would have."
She had to smile a little at that. Susie was right. No matter how irritating the guys were sometimes, they all would have protected her.
Pony got dressed, still feeling like all of this had to be a dream or a nightmare one, but at least she wasn't alone. Sodapop knew. And Susie too. And they'd protect her. They'd walk with her and keep her safe from Allen.
But if he went to the police, or if Cherry or Marcia told the wrong person that Dally hadn't gone with her to the bathrooms…who would protect her then?
Soda walked her home, the two of them quiet for just a few minutes before she turned to him, lowering her voice to a near whisper. "Soda?"
"Hm?"
"Should I just turn myself in?"
He shook his head, putting his arm around her and pulling her close. "No way, kiddo. We're gonna do what Dal said. Keep our heads down and keep quiet."
She should have expected that response. Soda didn't trust the fuzz anymore than the rest of their gang did. And she didn't blame him. Hell, she didn't trust them either. They were always hauling greaser kids in and beating on them, but they left the rich kids alone. Still she got the feeling that the longer she waited to come clean, the worse it would look if they did catch on that it was her.
Out in the daylight, though, Soda looked exhausted, dark circles under his eyes, and she leaned against him. "I'm sorry about all this."
"You ain't gotta be sorry. You sure found yourself in some trouble, honey. But you didn't ask for it, and all you were doing was defending yourself."
"I didn't want to do it."
"I know, kiddo." He leaned his head against hers for a second. "I know. I don't blame you."
"I thought…I thought you'd be mad at me."
"I ain't mad at you. I'm mad at Dally for not telling me all this, and I'm mad at Bob fucking Sheldon, but I'm not mad at you."
She flinched. He rarely swore like that around her, but she could see in his face how mad he really was. Just not at her.
"Dally saved me. Kept me from getting caught."
"I know. That's the only reason I don't hunt him down right now."
"Oh. I just figured you were scared he'd beat you in a fight."
Soda's jaw dropped and he turned to look at her, a grin growing on his face, and it was insane that she was able to joke around right now, or laugh when he shoved her, but it was like one of Darry's big weights had been sitting on her chest for a week now, and Soda had come along and lifted it off her. She was still scared…but she wasn't alone anymore. "You take that back!" he ordered, pointing a finger, and she shook her head, taking a step back. He lunged then, catching her easily in a headlock and rubbing his knuckles over her already messy hair. "Take it back!"
"Alright! Alright! I take it back. You ain't scared of nobody. Not even Dally."
"That's right I'm not!" He punched her arm, and she was just glad to see him smiling again.
Both of their smiles dropped when they reached the house, and Pony stopped outside the gate, going stiff as she tried to look through the window. She wanted to go back to Keith's house and go somewhere with Susie, but she had homework and she needed a shower. Plus, this was her house too. It wasn't fair for Darry to drive her away. Still, she let Soda walk in first, and when she shut the front door behind her, she refused to make eye contact with Darry who was in his recliner, even though she could practically feel his eyes on her. Instead, she walked right past him.
He reached out for her, trying to catch her wrist. "Pone…" He started, voice soft and gentle and all the things he used to be with her.
She jerked away, not sparing him a glance as she got clothes from her bedroom, then shut herself in the bathroom, locking the door behind her. Pony turned the water as hot as it could go, closing her eyes and letting it run down her face. Soda knew, and it was okay. He was going to help. Dally wasn't going to tell anyone, and maybe Cherry didn't remember everything that had happened that night real well. Her boyfriend had died. That had to have messed with her mind, right? Marcia too. Or maybe Marcia had already told Randy?
It didn't matter. There was no proof. Dally wouldn't rat her out, and no one outside the gang knew anything.
Once she got dressed, running a comb through her hair for the first time in a long time, she went to her room and got started on her homework. Darry would probably want to double check it but she sure didn't plan on taking it to him. She glared down at her paper while she worked, hurt and sad and angry all over again. She still wanted to run…still wanted out of this house where Soda was the only good thing she had left. She missed her parents and she missed Darry, and it felt like there was nowhere for all that hurt to go.
But Soda knew, she reminded herself. At least she didn't have to keep hiding everything from him. And sure, Dally would probably be pissed when he found out that she told him, but there wasn't much she could do about that.
She just wanted all of this to be over.
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