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16. Reconciliation
Pony thought she dreamed about her parents. Her mom, taking her out shopping for clothes, the two of them hitting every thrift store in the nice part of town. The clothes weren't new, but they looked pretty nice anyway, and it didn't matter because Pony got to spend a whole day with her mom, just the two of them. And afterwards, they'd go out for lunch and get milkshakes with cherries on top. And Pony would always give her mom the cherry and pretend she didn't like them because they were her mom's favorite. And her dad…the two of them cooking breakfast together in the morning, or running together on the high school track. He always pushed her to run faster, train harder, because the best way for her to make it out of this town and do well for herself was to go to college, and the only way kids like her could go to college was to be really smart, or really good at sports.
And she, he would, say, his hands on her shoulders as he grinned proudly down at her, was both.
She thought she dreamed about being out in the forest with her brothers, the three of them holding hunting rifles. But she didn't want to kill anything…she didn't even kill spiders! They ate other bugs, she always told her brothers, ever since she'd learned that in school from a picture book. Their webs were made of silk and they trapped other smaller, more annoying bugs. And deer were so beautiful, she couldn't stand the thought of shooting one, even if their dad told her that they would eat all the meat and sell the hide and use as much as they could. Even if he told her that if the deer population got too big, they would starve to death because there wouldn't be enough food for all of them.
But he hadn't been mad when she wouldn't shoot one, and when she wouldn't kill a duck or a turkey either. Neither had her brothers. They'd never made fun of her. They'd distracted her instead, lining up cans for target practice and climbing trees and goofing off while their dad went off to kill something for them to eat. They didn't leave her behind the next time they went either.
In her dream, someone shot her, and Darry was crying and holding her…only…no, it was their dad. And then it was Darry again. The two looked so similar even if their dad was always laughing and grinning that same mischievous smile as Soda, and Darry was quieter…more reserved, like their mom, but they were both kind and they both loved her and for some reason, she thought she hadn't known that before.
Did she think her brother didn't love her?
"I know it hurts, baby. I know. Hang on, okay? They're giving you more medicine."
Soda's words didn't make any sense. They were out in the middle of nowhere and someone had shot her! There wasn't any medicine! She tried to bring a hand to her chest, right under her bra, to touch the place that hurt so bad, but even twitching her fingers felt impossible…she was heavy and slow and couldn't move right and she couldn't breathe right. She was breathing, but her chest hurt and something was forcing air into her lungs but it didn't feel right.
She dreamed about her parents' funeral. All of them in black and her mom's friends gossiping…women that would bring casseroles for a week or so, but who they wouldn't see again much after that. Once she'd run into one of them at the drugstore where she'd been looking for…something. She couldn't remember if she'd been alone or with Darry or Soda or Susie. But the woman had gone wide-eyed and had asked how she was doing, sounding sad and full of pity that Pony hadn't wanted.
She dreamed that Keith didn't stop her. She dreamed that she burst out of the door and Darry was yelling for her.
"I didn't mean to! I'm sorry!"
She didn't look back. She kept running and running, never so much as glancing over her shoulder until she was somewhere new…only she wasn't really, because she could never leave her family. Even if it was broken and even if Darry didn't want her anymore, when it came down to it, she couldn't make herself leave them.
"Pony?"
It didn't make sense that Soda would be there while she was running but she stopped at his voice, looking around only to find him right next to her. "Soda?" she asked. "What…?" she couldn't make herself go on…couldn't make any more words come out.
"You're okay, baby. It's okay." He hugged her then, careful of a place that hurt for reasons she didn't understand, although she had a vague memory of a hunting accident. They were laying down in the grass, him on her left side, his thumb rubbing back and forth over her temple. "It's okay. You're okay."
She didn't think she was. She was hot and she was tired, and her chest hurt like she'd been running for hours. But Soda sounded scared, and there was nothing she hated more than her brother being scared. "I'm okay," she whispered, throat hurting so bad she could hardly stand it. It felt scraped raw and she couldn't remember why.
"You're okay," he repeated, and it sounded like he was smiling a little, even though he was still sad.
There wasn't a point when the dreams faded away…dreams of her parents holding her and telling her they loved her, or dreams of running, or dreams of being in the woods with her brothers. They just stopped. One moment she was cooking breakfast with her mom, the two of them listening to the radio and making pancakes together, the next, her eyes were open, and she was staring at a white ceiling she didn't recognize.
Something beside her beeped softly and steadily, and she glanced over at the machines she didn't really know the purpose of. The movement tugged at something on her face and she realized there was some kind of tube under her nose. She was too tired to lift her arm to try and touch it, but it was blowing air in her nose, so she thought it might be important.
When she turned to her other side, she found an empty room. Chairs had been pulled beside her bed on her left…two bigger ones, and a couple of folding chairs by the wall. On the nightstand was a pitcher of water that she'd kill to take a drink from, but she didn't think she could reach her arm out far enough. She felt weaker than she ever had before…like she had the worst case of flu of her life. Her chest ached and her head felt fuzzy and she wanted to go back to sleep, but something kept her looking around the room as she tried to remember what exactly had happened to her.
It didn't take long for her to remember.
Bob Sheldon attacking her at the drive-in. The knife she'd taken from Soda's dresser. Allen Russell jumping her after school…and then showing up at the park. He'd come for Dally…but she'd told him it was her.
She'd confessed.
Pony had a vague notion that Darry had been there…but she wasn't sure why he would have been. Weakly, she brought her hand to her chest, wincing when she felt the bundle of bandages. Allen had shot her. He'd shot her in broad daylight at the public park.
So…so she was in the hospital? That made sense. But why was she alone? She'd dreamed that Soda had been there, but even if that had been a dream, it didn't make sense that he wouldn't be with her.
Footsteps came down the hall and Pony glanced over again, wondering if she could ask a doctor where her brothers were. She was pretty sure Darry had been there after she'd been shot. She couldn't remember a lot of it, but she thought he'd been upset. Crying. She couldn't remember the last time she'd seen Darry cry. She wondered if Darry was mad at her and that's why he wasn't there. What if Dally had told him what she'd done and he was angry? What if he didn't want to see her?
Then she would ask him to come anyway, she decided. She'd ask a doctor to call him, or get Soda to call him, and she'd ask him to come because she was scared and she wanted him and he was her guardian, right? He had to come!
So she was surprised when it wasn't a doctor that came around the corner and stepped into her room.
It was Darry. Like he'd heard her wishing for him.
One hand was in his pocket, the other holding a styrofoam cup that she assumed was coffee. His eyes were downcast, jaw tight, and it took him a couple of steps into the room to look up at her. When their eyes met, he froze in his tracks.
He looked awful.
His eyes were red and wet like he'd been crying, a shadow of a beard covering the lower half of his face, and he didn't look like he'd slept in days. He was scared, she realized…she'd forgotten that her oldest brother could be scared. But what everybody had been trying to tell her came back all of a sudden, and it was like it clicked.
Darry was scared. He was scared of not being able to pay the bills and scared of losing the house and scared he'd never get to go to college. And most of all, he was scared of losing her and Soda.
He was always double checking her homework because he was scared she wouldn't get a scholarship and wouldn't be able to go to college.
He yelled when she walked around town alone because he was scared someone would hurt her.
He'd been mad when she'd stayed out late because he was scared something had happened to her. And just like Soda couldn't stand the thought of losing her, neither could Darry.
Because Darry loved her.
Of course Darry loved her. He'd always loved her. He was her big brother. He protected her and did everything he could to make sure she was safe and when he could, he made sure to buy Pepsi at the grocery even when they couldn't really afford it because it was her favorite.
"Darry…" she whispered, tears coming despite herself, and he hurried over to her side, haphazardly dropping the cup of coffee onto the nightstand, but before she could see if it fell, he'd dropped into the chair beside her bed and leaned over her, hugging her as best he could with her in that bed, his face hidden in her shoulder, one hand on her head, his other arm wrapped around her.
He didn't say anything for a long time, and she knew he was trying to be quiet when he cried, his shoulders shaking. She reached up and grabbed his arm, which was the best she could do, but she had a flash of a memory…laying on the ground while she was bleeding and holding his arm, and his hand covering hers.
He'd been there. He'd known that she was hurt somehow and he'd been there. Because if she needed him, he was always there.
He was careful of the bundle of bandages on her chest and the tube under her nose, but even though every movement hurt, she still managed to get an arm around him, her hand resting on his back.
"I thought we were going to lose you," he finally whispered, his tears soaking her shoulder. "Like we did Mom and Dad."
If her chest hadn't already been hurting, it would be now. Darry didn't talk about their parents. Not ever. Not since their funeral. She knew he missed them just as bad as her and Soda did, but Darry didn't cry and Darry didn't talk about how bad he missed them and he didn't talk about how scared he was of something happening to her and Soda.
But, she realized, just because he didn't talk about it didn't mean it wasn't all true.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, hoping he knew that she was apologizing for all of it. For lying and for fighting with him and for going out on her own and coming home late. All of it. He didn't answer, just shook his head, and Pony closed her eyes, tears running down her cheeks. She hated it when her brothers were upset. She hated that she'd made him worry so much, and that Darry had given up so much for her, and that they'd been fighting, and that he had to work like an old man when he was only twenty. Most of all, she hated Bob Sheldon for causing all of this in the first place. "I'm sorry, Darry."
He shook his head again, squeezing her tighter, and they sat like that for so long she thought it must be hurting his back, but he didn't seem to care. It was a long time before he pulled away, his hand landing on her shoulder, the other smoothing her hair back as he tried to smile...tried to hide how scared he was. But now that she'd seen it, she didn't think she could ever forget again. "Glory, kiddo…I'm glad to see you awake. How do you feel?"
"Tired." She wiped a hand over her eyes, bumping clumsily against the tube wrapping around her face and wishing she could tell him all about what she'd realized. She didn't know how to explain it without sounding dumb, though. How was she supposed to look her big brother in the eye and tell him that despite all he'd done for her, she'd just now realized he didn't hate her. She couldn't. So instead, she looked around for a clock instead, not finding one. "What time is it?"
"Almost two in the morning."
Her jaw dropped. "What? What are you doing here?"
He dropped his eyes, but she caught the way he winced. "I wasn't going to leave you here on your own, kiddo. You were awful sick."
"Why are you still awake?"
"I couldn't sleep."
She wanted to tell him that it was probably because he was drinking coffee, but she didn't. Maybe another time…when he didn't look like he was on the verge of crying again. "He shot me," Pony whispered, still not quite able to believe it.
"Yeah. He did." Darry's jaw went tight. "That was Wednesday. It's Friday…well, Saturday now. They've got him locked up."
At a loss for how to talk about that, she went for something a little safer. "Don't you have work in a couple of hours?"
"No. I took a few days off."
She wanted to ask if they could afford that, but she knew it would come out all wrong, and once more she thought she'd forgotten how to talk to her brother. She felt awful, too tired to think right and her chest hurt, and she just wanted things to be right between them again, like before their parents had died. But she didn't know how to make that happen. She didn't know how to fix any of this.
So she decided to quit lying and just tell him the truth for once.
"I don't know what to do, Darry."
He sighed, moving his chair a little closer and resting a hand on her arm. He was listening…waiting for her to go on. So she made herself keep speaking when all she really wanted to do was go back to sleep.
"I never meant for any of this to happen…I swear. And I…I couldn't tell you."
"Why not?"
She dropped her eyes to the blanket. "I lied to you. I went to the movies on my own, and then I went to the bathroom on my own and…I was afraid you'd think it was my own fault. What he did," she whispered.
He squeezed her arm, leaning in close. "I wouldn't think that, Pony. Not ever. I'd have killed him myself before I ever let him hurt you." He looked her in the eye then, as serious as ever, but not mad. "You should have told me. I would have helped you."
She nodded, closing her eyes and wiping at her face, trying to stop from bawling like a little kid. "I know," she whispered, feeling so hot and tired and worn out she could hardly stand it.
"You can always talk to me, Pone. I know…I know it hasn't been easy lately but…I love you. More than anything, kiddo. You and Soda. I'd do anything for the two of you."
"I'm sorry." Pony dropped her head against the pillow, tears running down her cheeks as she lost the battle to keep from crying, and this time it was him holding her while she cried, just like he had so many times when she was a kid. "I'm so sorry, Darry…"
"Don't cry, honey. It's alright…it's going to be okay."
She shook her head, wincing when crying just made everything hurt more. "I didn't want to…he wouldn't stop…"
"Hey…easy, Pony," he urged. "It's okay." He stroked her hair, taking her hand and squeezing it. "It's going to be okay."
"But…I told Allen it was me. He'll tell the cops!"
"He did. And Dally told the cops you were lying."
Her eyes snapped open at that. "What?"
"Dally told them you were just saying that to keep Allen from shooting him…that you and him were at the concession stand, like you've been telling people." He glanced back back at the door, lowering his voice. "Listen to me, okay. All you need to do right now is rest and get better. Hopefully they let us take you home soon. But…now that you're awake, those cops are going to want to talk to you. We'll hold them off as long as we can, and they can't question you without me there. But when they do…" he lowered his voice even more like they might be overheard. "I want you to tell the same story you told us, okay? Dally went with you. You got food at the concession stand. He gave you his jacket because you were cold. And he walked you home when they found Bob."
"You want me to lie to the police?" she breathed.
"Yeah. I want you to lie."
Pony nodded despite her surprise. She could do that. She always had been a good liar.
He softened then, patting her arm and sitting up. "Do you want some water?"
She nodded again. She didn't know how much longer she could stay awake, but her throat was so dry it hurt.
"Alright. Hang on." He put an arm around her, helping her sit up as he adjusted the pillows, going real slow, then poured her a glass of water, letting her sip from the straw. Her whole chest ached, but it was worth it to get something to drink.
"Where's Soda?" she wondered, eyes so heavy she could hardly keep them open.
"I sent him home. It wasn't easy. We've been taking turns going home to sleep for a couple of hours."
Eyes finally closing, Pony relaxed against the pillow. "You ought to go home too. It's late," she murmured, and he pulled the blanket up around her, resting the back of his hand against her forehead like he was checking for a fever. His hand was real cold, so she thought she might have one.
"I'm good right here, kiddo. I'm going to get the doctor and let him know you were awake, okay? Get some rest."
She did, falling asleep before he even moved away from the bed.
When she woke again, Darry was still there, asleep in the chair, his head resting on the wall behind him. He still had the beginnings of a beard and was wearing the same clothes, so either it was the same day or he just hadn't left. Soda was in the other chair, his elbow propped up on the arm, his chin resting in his hand as he snored softly. There was still water on the nightstand, and she was wondering if she could reach out and grab it without making everything hurt more. Not wanting to make Darry, she turned to Soda instead. "Soda!" she hissed, glancing at Darry to make sure he didn't wake up.
Soda shifted in his chair when she called for him again, catching himself at the last second before his elbow slipped off the armrest. "Huh?" he asked, looking around. He blinked a few times, wiping a hand over his eyes and grumbling to himself and then freezing when he turned and saw Pony.
"Hey," she whispered, trying to smile, and his whole face crumpled.
"Pony…"
He jumped out of his chair, and she was sure that the only thing keeping him quiet was the fact that Darry was still asleep. When he sat down on her bed, he moved slow, careful not to jostle her too much, but he threw an arm around her, hugging her a little too tight as he crowded beside her in the tiny bed. She didn't complain, though. She just hugged him back with her left arm, squeezing the back of his shirt…which she realized was his DX shirt.
"Sorry, Soda."
He shook his head, just like Darry had, pulling away just enough to look at her. "You scared me to death, Pony, you know that?" he asked, and he still looked scared to death. She felt a pang at that. She hated scaring Soda, more than anything.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to."
The words weren't enough, but he softened, sniffing and rubbing a hand over his red-rimmed eyes. "I know you didn't. I just…I love you so much, kid."
"Love you too," she whispered.
He smoothed her messy hair back, shaking his head. "Don't do that to me again, huh?"
"I'll try."
He gave her a weak smile, pressing his forehead against her hair for a long time, and she leaned her head against him, still gripping his shirt like that might keep him from leaving. "Darry said you woke up this morning. How are you feeling?" he asked, voice barely above a murmur.
She shrugged, wincing when even that hurt. "What time is it?"
"Almost seven. They've got you on a lot of stuff to help. Tell me if it starts hurting, okay?"
It already hurt, but she didn't want him to leave, so she kept quiet. "It's Saturday?" she confirmed.
"Yeah. You've been asleep since they did the surgery Wednesday. I was scared you weren't going to wake up, Pone. Darry too. I never saw him that scared before."
Pony remembered…she remembered watching Allen point that gun at Dally, then at her, and she remembered Darry on his knees beside her. She couldn't remember what he'd said, but she remembered how scared he'd been. "Is Dally okay?"
"Yeah. He's fine. Susie and Johnny too. You're the only one that got hit. They've got Russell locked up."
"Darry…he said that Dally told the police the same stuff I'd told everyone else."
Soda nodded, eyes glued to her like he was scared to look away. "Yeah. He did. That's what you need to tell them too, okay? They don't have any evidence. And Darry's going to be with you when they come talk to you, so don't worry about that. Just focus on getting better, okay? Here." He reached back, grabbing the glass of now lukewarm water and letting her take a drink. Even sitting up enough to drink made her chest hurt and she groaned, dropping back onto the pillows. "Easy, kiddo," he murmured, patting her shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah." She wasn't. Her stomach was sick and it was hard to move without her whole torso exploding in pain. But she didn't want to tell him that…didn't want him to worry anymore than he already was. "Do you know when they'll let me go home?"
"I don't know. Hopefully soon."
"Are you guys going to fight tonight?"
He hesitated. "I…yeah that's the plan." Soda sighed, shifting beside her and dropping his head onto the pillow, staring up at the ceiling. "I don't care about the rumble, kiddo. I just…I want you to be okay, you dig?"
"I am okay."
He snorted, but it was more sad than amused. "Yeah? Try standing up and tell me again." He kept a firm hand on her arm, like she might just try it to prove him wrong. "They've got Allen locked up. Randy and the other two were there, but they didn't do anything, so the cops didn't hold them. All the guys on our side of town are ready to fight over all this. Hell, even half the socs think he went too far."
Pony knew that Soda liked fighting…him and Darry both. The guys too. Before a rumble, they'd all be keyed up and excited, running around and hollering and wrestling with each other. But he sure didn't look excited now. She'd never been to a rumble before. Soda and Darry always made her promise to stay home…it was the one time Soda was dead serious and real strict with her. Once, she'd asked if she could come, and he'd told her no way in hell…that he didn't ever want to catch her trying to follow them. She certainly couldn't follow them now…except Soda didn't even look like he wanted to go.
"I'm sorry about all this," she told him after a moment, not sure how many times she'd need to apologize before she felt better, but figuring she had a ways to go.
"It wasn't your fault, Pone."
She shrugged, flinching when that hurt.
"It wasn't. You didn't ask for Allen to shoot you."
"I didn't want him to shoot Dally."
"I know," he murmured, and he pulled the blankets up further around her. She was tired again, and that was irritating because she wanted to be awake and keep talking about all this. She wanted to know when her brothers were going to that fight and when she could go home and plenty of other stuff too. But it was like a wave of exhaustion crashed over her and she tilted her head, resting it against Soda's shoulder.
"Why am I tired?" she muttered, irritable, and he chuckled.
"It's that medicine they've got you on. The doctor said you'd be tired for a while. Go ahead and get some more sleep, okay?"
"You gonna be here?"
He paused, then nodded, squeezing her in a hug. "Yeah, honey. I'm gonna be here. Promise."
Pony let herself sleep again, and when she woke up, just like he'd promised, he was still there.
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