I exist.

There were many dreams. Images of people thinking of me. Ideas forming in men I have never met. These…humans they called themselves. So supreme, so intelligent. Abstract in sense. Soaking in their souls. Feeling yet not. Seeing without eyes into an endless-limited abyss.

My heart holds no animosity towards this forgotten past.

Only emptiness towards how I was never meant to be.

Wandering.

Witnessing.

Wondering what is beyond this distorted haze.

Reveling in their beliefs, their minds. Thoughts of men marching, and symbols of crimson red came before me. Thousands marched into lands I could not explain. Names of cities drifted past me into void as they burned darkly in the night. This darkness I sat in.

The Void.

The Darkness.

An absence of life and death.

Here, my thoughts were not my own and my beliefs were molded by the same men that tried to make me. Dream of me. Then forget me.

Then he came. His booming voice and inspirational sway. Upon a pedestal of steel and iron. Drawing large crowds of people. Outwardly, their images were pristine. Inwardly, they possessed souls torn by the realities of the world. Sad desperate people. People erupted with crushing truths and longing for purpose. Betrayal, emptiness, hopelessness, and pain. I felt it all and did not.

Around them gathered the unseen beings such as me. The other shadows. Those that would be and could with those that may never be born. We knew, did not know, each other's names.

We shared only one understanding, the presence and influence of these people.

Words of grand encouragement. Everyone looks up to him even the ones that built me. In their own subtle ways, this astonishing display changes me. While there were just as many that looked on, unsure of what their future holds with dreams and nightmares to come. Some felt the pit of fear.

Soon the crowd disperses. Leaving to their ways. Us shadows linger. Watching the people go. Each of us pick people they would follow. One shadow followed one filled with nothing but despair. Another group followed the men of the sea. The most prominent of us followed the Chancellor. The largest among us. The one we idolized and did not. One that would come to stand above us and fall below.

Most followed her. I wanted to, but I was drawn to something else.

This pull, a resonance, forced my shapeless form somewhere else. Every form followed their own callings. Pulling ourselves to the people of the crowd. The Chancellor, that man, his supreme promise of a better time molded parts of us, but he was not that one that drew me here.

I did not know what drives me to it. To him. But I followed the source. Trailing by his path. A soul that was smaller than me but brighter than anything I had ever seen.

A child? Is that what these small ones are called?

Hidden away from the others, his presence is an oddity. He was not well-dressed like the other children among the crowd. The ones that stood in rows and order. With leaders commanding them from the front. This child wore ragged clothes. Frail body. Sneered and looked down upon by everyone around him. Drawn to the band around his arm. A symbol I do not know.

One item hung limply from his shoulder. A piece of fine crafted wood.

I stay with him. Deep into the barrows of a neglected part of the city. Cut off from the others. Gated with symbols unknown to me. I watched on as other people like him milled around. Their souls even more terrified. They did not have the confidence or rising chance for hope like those before.

Everyone there fill my soul with ceaseless uncertainty.

The child moved on. Into the decrypt city section. He arrives in a secluded part. To people that gave off different feelings. Eager. Awaiting. When the child greets them, someone larger than him scolded him. In words unfamiliar than the ones my creators use. Yet, I understood them. Stern and fair.

The word. The word? What is the word? Ah. Yes. Caregiver. Maker. Mother.

I like her soul. It felt like mine.

Huddling together, they were nothing like the crowd from before. Giving him a humble stage of a simple concrete floor. Circling around to hear and witness. He brought the piece of wood to his chin. Putting together this…tool. String tied across the length of a wooden rod.

Then he did it.

He brought the two objects into a union of the very thing that brought me to him. Drawn me to his little concealed hovel of a home. Far away from the others. Far from the crowds of crimson and steel. Among the crowd of neglected. The different. The shamed.

Deep inside, resonates a feeling. The inspiration that lightens my soul.

Heard it. Truly absorb something that becomes my own.

Music.

Why am I awake?

The clock nearby my bedside is the only thing illuminating the room. Flailing helplessly in the dark, I stretch my aching body. Instant pure awareness. I move the covers off my body. Pushing aside the sweat-soaked flat sheet. On these nights, there is no way to go back to sleep.

With limited effort, I turn on the lamp. Sitting momentarily before sluggishly meandering through my room for comfortable clothes. Throwing on a sweater and roughed up slacks. No need to get too professional at three in the morning.

If I am going to be up this late, going to my office will be my best bet. Could work my mind out enough to get me some rest. Exercises would do the trick if I'm not already sore from yesterday's attempt.

Not now. Later. Once I get enough sleep.

I entered my office. Setting down my coat and officer's cap on my desk, I move to the few paper stacks still left on the table. All of it is meticulously organized and already finished. My work ethic and the diligence of my secretary keeps the previous work off the table. Still, I need to occupy myself. Reviewing could help. May be wear me down with boredom…

Eyes grow heavy. I straddle the line bordering awareness and the sweet land of unconsciousness. Spacing out and refocusing on the words on each page. After two piles, corrections were made. Minor and almost pointless additions such as clarifying details and reworking numbers. No real mistakes. I'm quite proud of Graf Zeppelin in accomplishing her work that contrasts that bleak view on life. For someone that finds things so pointless she works hard. Sometimes better than me.

Huffing, I move aside the finished papers. Only half an hour has passed, and I only feel frustrated. Standing up, I stretch my back and scan the room. Maybe I can clean up any messes? Take out the trash?

Outside, I hoist the heavy black elastic bag into the trash recycler. Switching the machine on, I watch as it processes and recycles the trash into useful components. Maybe the warehouse could do with more scrap metal for repairs. I know those Iron Blood riggings could appreciate a good meal.

Finished, I half-heartedly head back into my office.

I step towards the door, fumbling with my office key. No matter what I did I could not fall asleep. Review paperwork, twice and three times over. Swept the entrance to the office and threw out trash. Even reorganized the shelves. Time grinds forward. The only thing I can't do is vacuum, but I made too much noise as it is. Knowing one specific coffee lover and her irate older sister, I refuse to be a nuisance.

Dejected, I decide on waiting it out on my chair until morning. Twiddling my thumbs until the day comes and pushing forward through the day. The groggier side of me barely registered the distant sounds of beautiful string music coming from my desk.

That same part also failed to see the humming battleship sitting comfortably on the couch. My only real response from my wakeful, haggard self, could only stand awkwardly even after her warm smile came my way. Soft classical orchestral tunes gently play.

"My child?"

Friedrich der Große, known to be a powerful woman that convey an equally dangerous and comforting presence. Engulfing those that stand in her path with rigging she can overwhelm anyone. The most recent PR ship to be built for the Iron Blood and one that knows me all too well.

"Yes, mother. I'm here," I admitted with a scratchy tone, catching me off guard.

Slowly, I notice the steaming tea set sitting atop the table. Two elegantly crafted cups and a white porcelain pot. Automatically, I came over to Friedrich, settling myself by her side. Her black robes rolled onto the couch. A night gown underneath, complimenting her looks. Resembling the eastern Sakura clothes with western frills along her sleeves and neck. Darkened silk that can blend with the dusk of the morning. Wordlessly, she poured me a cup and offered it to me. I took it without hesitation.

Music plays in the background. Occasional grinding halts the beautiful tune of the aged gramophone, kept well preserved by the ship girl smiling serenely by me. I recognized the music playing. Bach, D minor. Sadly, the exact name escapes me.

I finally found the ability to rationalize the situation.

"You're awake." I drawl between my first and second sip, "You're up too early."

"I should be saying the same for you," She muses dryly, tilting her head towards her shoulder. The dimmed yellow in her eyes says it all.

"It seems like we both couldn't sleep. Those dreams again?"

"The same," She said, whispering, "You know the one."

I nod, watching her stare longingly to the distance. She finally reaches for her own cup and pours one for herself. I know how much she enjoys the Sakuran aspects of their culture especially after coming back from her long diplomatic trip in the Indian Ocean. Assisted in clearing the many Siren fortresses occupying those warm waters.

"Does it still hurt?"

"Yes," she wistfully said, "Maybe one day, I could find his descendants. Some scrap left of him. As it would seem for most of his people, at least…honor his grave." Her smile cracks a little, "Until then I will care for the children I have now."

I sigh, offering a weak grin of my own, "I know, mother. I know."

We both enjoy the company. I thought maybe the calm music combined with Friedrich's presence and tea would finally wear me down. The opposite happens and I feel myself giving up on ever getting sleep.

"My child? Your shoulders are shaking."

"Yes, mother," I shrug, stopping the action, "I-I just want to sleep. At least a little. I have a lot on my mind, and I can't…stop."

Without saying anything to me, the battleship rises up and goes to my bookshelf. Reaching up and grabbing the board. Smiling once again in her usual mood, she prepares two chairs for us. Along the way, adjusting her music to accommodate more of the room. Filling the air with more soothing sounds.

"Pachabelly? Never took you for a fan of his work."

"It is. I have been expanding my library. Come, maybe this will bring your mind some peace."

Joining her at the board. Friedrich already set the pieces up. Giving herself black and I take white. I knew her preference for it since it matches her style and tastes. Already taking in the board, I move the pawn in front of my bishop. She responds with her king's pawn moving towards the center. Humming quietly, I send my right-hand knight forward.

I can't remember the name of the opening. Oh well. I'm not trying to think too hard.

I melt into the game. The thrill of the game provides a minor boost. Slowly, we move all our pieces into position. Five turns pass and not a single piece was taken. Surveying the board once more as always, I nod glumly.

The centered is my control. It bulges in the middle, with the rest of our pieces mimicked the line formations of old. Where soldiers would meet each other face to face in battle. The board is split evenly between us, with whatever pieces that either of us can take, would lead to a cacophony of exchanges.

"Not your usual strategy. These moves are unlike you."

"The same for you, my child," She responds back, being the first to move her queen around.

I buckle down and try to refocus. My vision is fading in and out as I try to think. I have a good grasp on the four middle squares. Apart from that one king's pawn. My own pawns lined up to threaten half of them with my bishop and knight in support. Evening bringing up my queen to reinforce potential trades. Finetuning the middle formation into my diamond point.

Friedrich shifts her pieces around.

I would have taken that king's pawn a long time ago if not for the queen supporting it. So, I sent a knight to threaten. Then she sent another pawn. Frustrated a little, I pull it back and try to send one pawn towards it. Being so one minded, I failed to see a black knight go in and take the pawn from me. The first piece to go down.

The biggest mistake I made.

Triple fork. Queen, rook, and king.

"Ah."

"Oh, Rene," Friedrich melodic laughs, "I do not mean to mock you but even I saw that several moves away."

I could only shake my head and scratch my chin.

"What's wrong, my child?"

"A lot," I rubbed my eyes, "Just…thinking.".

The only option was to move the king. He still had one spot for him to move to. Afterwards, I watch as my queen is painfully torn from me. Friedrich maintains her calculating behavior. She never was one to gloat against me. I respected her compared to Odin's triumphant snickers or Mainz smug look. I swear, that coffee fanatic has been picking up on her sisters' behaviors.

With the loss of my queen, I had to readjust. Both of my knights are still here. Etching for a chance, I can still wield a bishop. Unfortunately, both rooks stood uselessly behind pawns. They would sadly be no use to me with how the wedge in the middle formed. Sides giving way. The only thing I can do now is attack and shift the field around my center.

And I did.

Exchange after exchange, I cleared up the middle in a bloody onslaught. Three pawns for three pawns. By the time I managed to remove the threat of any more losses, I was down to one knight. All of her knights were taken down, but she ended up taking all my bishops with her. I'm still at a disadvantage.

She still had her bishops, but they were contained. I managed in the mess of moves, move up two pawns far enough to threaten the left side of the board. Using that opportunity to move my knight forward. Enabling a fork. Not as effective as the one from before, but the cost is still there.

"Excellent work, my child."

"Thank you, mom."

"My," I look up to see her studying me and not the board, "You have grown so much since the young officer I had first served."

The remark made me curl my lips a little into a half grin, "Don't know how you put up with me. Maybe you would've done better with a different officer…if only Max didn't retire, he would've led you better."

"Nonsense. You were, and are, my first and only Kommadant," Returning to the board, I took in what she said and tucked it away for now. The game is still afoot.

The fork worked as intended. She lost her rook and I managed to balance out the losses between us enough to consolidate my forces. When my queen was taken, all my pieces were thrown in disarray, trying desperately to plug the gap as I threw the once reinforced diamond into a spear of sacrifice. I would be lying if I said it was worth it. Necessary is the only proper term.

This is all a gamble. I'm losing too many pieces and she is gaining ground. Victory is slim.

I pull back my knight. Her bishops come to swarm it. Placing this piece to support the two pawns. Friedrich then turns her attention towards the other side of my board. Pushing pieces forward to come and taken the few pawns and the rook standing. With a few turns of my own, all I could muster is a compact ring around the king. Weak defenses simply because there is nothing defending it on the left side.

Friedrich moved her queen over flanked by the bishops.

"Check."

I nod, two more times. Shoving my king into places where she can take my rook. Knowing what she intends to do, I pull back my knight enough to threaten the bishops. Another fork.

"Clever."

"Thank you, mother."

The small amount of satisfaction served little to dissuade my worry. After she saved one of her bishops, I remove the other with quick efficiency. Now, how am I going to get that queen before she traps me?

"What's on your mind?"

"Hmm?"

I move my piece forward. Friedrich didn't move. Instead, folding her arms, leaning back.

"You're not usually this active or worried." Emphasizing her tone with worry, "You know I'm here for you, correct? We take care of each other."

"And the others," She mentions, "My door is always open to you. You may be a commander of a bigger fleet, but I will always be your mother."

Rubbing my face, I feel an oncoming haze. Vision little fuzzy.

"Graf Zeppelin mentioned it to me…" I mumble, anxiety wells.

"…with why I care so much."

Friedrich taps her chin. Barely a moment passes before she speaks emphatically, "We're you're ships, my child. Your fleet to command and more. We're your family."

"Its…not that, I mean," I stop focusing on the game, leg bouncing under the table, "Do you think…do you think I deserve to be a commander?"

"Rene Weber," She tilts her head, pouting at his words, "The beating of your heart betrays your thoughts. I can sense it."

My heart twists. Aching. The real source of what is keeping me awake. I know why.

"Roon," I utter it, trembling in my chair, "I failed her."

Friedrich held my hands. Rubbing her thumb over my knuckles. My hands clenching and clammy.

"She was the first." My words trickle, "The one that I helped bring into this world. Roon tended to me. More war machine then the most battle hungry ship girl. Beyond Odin or Scharnhorst. Somehow…against all of that. She understood me. She…she cared for me."

I rub my eyes and squint. My fatigue finally taking me as we speak. Vison grows cloudy. Misting.

"It's just…I miss her."

"I know," Friedrich takes the piece I kept meekly held in my hand. Setting aside the queen. She moves over to my side and begins rubbing my shoulders. Part of me wants to continue the game, but there was no need. I saw what was about to happen and I knew the outcome.

She leads me to the couch and props me on her lap.

"Rest. Sleep, my child. I'm here for you."

I relax my body, lowering my head, "I…shouldn't have sent her out. I shouldn't have sortied with her…I should've listened, mom. I…promised her. I promised you…never again. I can't…never again."