Author's Notes:
Me thinking of this idea: "Man, imagine the fucking torment that Lily had to go through birthing four children at once."
So yeah, this is a Twin!Harry story. Except, instead of there being only a Gryffindor and Slytherin Twin (which are usually the Houses used), there is a twin for EVERY House.
The same basic Wrong BWL and Twin story beats will be followed, they will just be executed differently due to their being four amigo-buddy-chums to share the pain rather than two.
Also, this will largely be a Humor Fic; however, there will be some more serious elements and actual plot that happens as well.
So… let the chaos ensue.
*Minor Grammar fixes were made on November 28th because I'm a dumb poopy head who doesn't understand the English language*
Chapter 1 – Declaration of War
The Great Hall, once a center for the vibrant and colorful culture of Hogwarts, was now gray in a melancholic dissonance that permeated ever since Educational Decree Number #45 forbade the noise level during mealtimes to rise above 30 decibels. This was not to mention Decree Number #14, which forbade male and female students from sitting next to each other during mealtimes, causing the first half of the lunch period to devolve into chaos as students scrambled into proper seat arrangements lest they face the wrath of the newly formed Inquisitorial Squad, or even worse, the Hogwarts High Inquisitor herself.
Another Educational Decree forbade students from different Houses to sit at different tables. To most students, this Decree largely went ignored, as House relations either ranged from indifference to outright hostility in some cases.
However, for four 5th Year students, all sporting black hair resembling a blown-up bird's nest and vivid green eyes, such a thing got in the way of their scheming - *AHEM!* - their perfectly legal and rule-abiding study time.
But such a thing didn't hold back the New Marauders, one of the many names they went by, for long, as they each hailed from the four different Houses, and with it brought different assets to their sche – No, no – study sessions.
Sitting right in the center of the Hufflepuff table, hearing several hushed conversations revolve around him as if he were the sun, was John. He was the youngest of the four, if by only a few minutes (which was quite agonizing for his mother), and bore the Rune of Ehwaz on his palm. He was a patient soul and quite personable. He seemed to attract the goodwill of most of his House, and many outside of it, through his seemingly innocent and sympathetic nature. He listened, and he listened well. He often heard snippets of outside conversation, gleaning some useful and sometimes embarrassing secrets of his peers, yet he told not a word… not without a price, that is.
He was very nearly proclaimed to the House of snakes, but his brothers in arms often pointed to his near-unending patience and hard work for him belonging with the badgers. It was these virtues that helped the group stay focused on long-term projects. He was also oftentimes the mediator in arguments, oftentimes between the two oldest. But he loved them very dearly and would lay down his life to save theirs if it came to it, which he very nearly did last year. But now, it was a new school year, and it was off to a soddy start. But that wouldn't last long, for they had planned for what was about to happen for a few weeks now.
While listening to one of the 7th Years despairing over her DADA N.E.W.T.s, John felt his detection charm ping, signaling the beginning of their grand return. He quickly glanced towards the Ravenclaw table, startling a few of his housemates by his sudden action, and exchanged a small nod with his brother in blue.
He held very similar features to his Hufflepuff brother, except that his eyes had flashes of hazel amongst the sea of green. His glasses were also distinctive, as he wore a thin rectangular pair of spectacles rather than the round and slightly lopsided pairs that his Hufflepuff and Gryffindor counterparts wore. On his shoulder, though hidden by the robes he wore, was the Rune of Ansuz.
His eyes were noticeably smaller than the Hufflepuff's. They were less inviting, but they carried with them an undercurrent of wit held within a sea of knowledge. Other students often pointed out how his eyes twinkled in a similar way to the headmaster. Little did they know that it was the result of an obscure charm originating in southern Greece, which was meant to counteract the petrifying stare of Medusa statues. Of course, Oliver shared his discovery with his fellow brothers, after heavy coercion and a certain level of threatening, causing them to occasionally use the charm on every person they could just to see the reaction of the school, and most amusing, the headmaster.
Suffice it to say: he was not amused.
(Or was he, it's hard to tell with the old goat at times)
While John used his skills to gather valuable intel on targets, Oliver often contributed towards creating more technical plans, along with modifying spells and developing rune-schemes to achieve their goals. In fact, if it wasn't for his involvement in this particular plan, it would have likely required his brothers to make a deal with the Weasley Terrors to get their desired result, which would have been great short-term, and terrible long-term.
They once made a deal with the Terrors for one of their more involved schemes.
Let's just say that making a deal with the Terrors is akin to making a deal with the devil.
And the devil always takes his due.
Oliver smiled a bit at the thought of how the Terrors would react to this coming production. Even with the new professor cracking down on disobedience in the school, the Terrors still got off with small pranks here and there, along with selling their wares to the masses. While Oliver had to admire them for their sense of economics, there was one thing missing from their exploits that Oliver and his brothers were going to rectify.
Hogwarts is an untamed beast.
It holds itself to no rules, for its spirit is that of a dragon unchained.
It was the duty of both the students and the staff to keep the spirit alive in the face of adversity.
And, by Merlin! They've been letting themselves get trampled on by a bloody wank and his pet toad!
Well, no longer!
What they were about to do was not a silly school prank like they used to do.
It was a declaration of war.
And upon feeling his ward scheme dissipate as it struck its target, Oliver caught the eye of his Gryffindor counterpart and nodded.
James Jr. (nicknamed Jim for short) cracked a truly sinister smile, unnerving his fellow lions who knew the horrors that befell the targets of the Boy-Who-Lived. He was the second oldest of the four (by only a few seconds! That practically makes him tied for firstborn!) and he was an impressive figure. His body was toned by years playing chaser in the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, along with the exercises he and his elder brother did in the Room of Requirement. His eyes were a deep hazel and held a level of mirth along with an underlying cruelness reserved for any who dared harm those he cared for. Many of the girls within the halls of Hogwarts would swoon when he flashed a smile at them, for the only blemish he had on his face was the Rune of Ihwaz engraved upon his left cheek, a memento of his survival of the killing curse.
He was the son of a Marauder, and to him it was a badge of honor. Of the four, he was the first to complete his Animagus transformation at the beginning of 4th Year, although his Slytherin and Hufflepuff counterparts both achieved it soon afterward. He was also the de facto negotiator between the New Marauders and the Weasley Terrors, given that he shared their House. Even though he didn't possess the silver tongue and underhanded brilliance of his elder brother, he felt that he should get some appreciation for being able to talk 1-on-2 with their rivals without leaving as some sort of feathered creature.
Now, though, his thoughts were not on the Terrors, who were a few seats away plotting new marketing schemes for their sweets. No, they were on that hag… He could barely resist snarling when he thought of her. As his fist clenched at the thought of her, the pale words I will not tell lies could be seen.
Indeed, there was a reckoning in the Room of Requirement when he revealed to his brothers what had happened at detention that evening.
He remembered that Oliver contemplated filing a formal complaint to the Ministry, but he and his elder brother shot that down (them… agreeing with each other? No!). John proposed creating an underground organization of students to undermine her efforts, and while Jim and Oliver liked that idea, the eldest vetoed it, pointing out the risk of it getting out of hand due to the number of people involved.
However, the eldest brother kept the idea in the back of his mind, until he returned three days later to pitch a variation of what John proposed.
Instead of a single student body fighting against ministerial influence at Hogwarts, they would form several smaller cells of students, each performing their own operations separately. His reasoning for this was so that it could prevent a case where their entire effort falls forfeit due to a single mistake, or a single traitor. Instead, he likened it to a multiheaded hydra, as you could cut one head off and still be stuck fighting other heads as it regrows the lost one.
Thus, the New Marauders began planning the Hydra Operation. Each of them nominated lieutenants amongst their closest friends and allies, and their jobs were to manage their own cells of students with the goal of making Umbridge's life a living hell.
Over the following weeks leading up to today, their lieutenants took charge and began recruiting amongst their closest friends, forming a total of 9 cells across all four Houses. Finally, the New Marauders sat as the final and foremost cell, and they had commanded the lieutenants to wait for their signal.
It all made Jim very anxious. He remembered he had a good laugh when Oliver compared the system to that used by the Death Eaters (and then found himself in grim silence when his eldest brother confirmed that it was modeled after them). But if there was one positive of the publicity that he garnered, it would be that it taught him how to mask his inner thoughts behind a mask of pleasant smiles and near-foolish aloofness.
But he wasn't a fool, and upon his heightened hearing picking up distant shrieks, he glanced once to the eldest brother and nodded.
Across the hall, seated as if he was the king of the proverbial roundtable, was the eldest Potter child. Despite the numerous attempts made during his first three years at Hogwarts, his hair refused to stand down. His eyes of emerald green were perhaps the most vivid of the brothers, and often shown in a light eerily similar to the killing curse. Upon his forehead was the Rune of Sowilo, emblazed in a crimson fire that seemed to latch to his skin.
Harry Potter's eyes roamed the Hall, betraying neither recognition nor care as he fixed upon his targets. The Inquisitorial Squad, composed of students of every House, were the only sources of noise left in the hall as the Educational Decree seemed not to apply to them.
"Funny how that works out," he thought darkly, "bloody hypocrites."
The Slytherin brother took his goblet of pumpkin juice and brought it to his lips with a smirk as he felt the final wards surrounding the great hall go off. When the doors to the Great Hall slammed open, Harry calmly lowered his goblet onto the table as every head in the Hall turned in horror to see a monster covered in soot and piranhas standing in the doorway.
It was truly a terrible creature. Its skin was green, rough, scaly, and covered in a myriad of warts that mimicked the stars in the sky. It had two fat lumps for arms and adorned a number of ugly rings jammed into its meaty fingers. Its pink dress was torn by its scales, causing its body to resemble a grotesque swirl of pink and green akin to vomit. Its mouth was a long, thin line stretching from one side of the face to the other.
There was a horrified silence, with the only noise being the sound of cutlery falling out of students' hands, and then a 2nd Year Gryffindor suddenly bellowed in laughter.
"Oh my god! It's Jabba the Hutt!"
Of course, the reference was lost to most purebloods (except for Zabini, who smirked lightly before schooling his expression in polite boredom). However, the half-bloods and muggleborns of the Hall began laughing softly to themselves, prompting the Jabba lookalike to bellow in a warbling roar.
"WHO DID THIS!"
The laughter devolved into snickers, which clashed horribly with the overall atmosphere of dread emanating from the Hall. Several fingers pointed to different individuals across the Hall, with most of them centering in on the Weasley twins (although a few pointed to Draco Malfoy, to which he responded that his father would hear about this! One brave soul also pointed to Snape, who was too busy keeping his amusement in check to see… the lucky bastard).
The Toad-Jabba creature saw the direction of the fingers, and rounded on the Terrors.
"YOU! HOW DARE YOU ATTACK THE HIGH INQUISITOR! THE MINISTER WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS!"
The twins put their hands up placatingly, though they still adorned shit-eating grins at the level of chaos around them, even if they knew it came from their rivals.
"Woah! Your High Toadiness, you are absolutely blowing this out of proportion!" began one twin.
"While we greatly appreciate the audacity of your ghastly assailants, we had nothing to do with this one!"
"Nope! Not with this one!"
"We'll have to outdo ourselves with our next game, eh Gred?"
"Too right. Too right, Forge."
"Either way, we give you our salutations, Lord Hutt!"
"Salutations and Tally-Ho!"
With that, they booked it. They very nearly made I out of the Hall when two members of the Inquisitorial Squad blocked them from their retreat.
Lord Hutt (as her new title would be remembered in the history books) looked absolutely demented.
"I'LL SEND YOU TO AZKABAN FOR THIS! YOU WON'T BE ANY MORE THAN BLOODY SACKS BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU!"
(Filch lovingly caressed a vintage Vietnam War machete in the corner at her words)
Just then, as Harry witnessed the loathsome creature descend upon the redhead twins, a crash echoed through the Hall as a framed parchment flew through one of the windows. Umbridge turned to the source of the noise just in time for the frame to smash into her face, spurting blood from her nose as the parchment inside burst into flaming writing.
Educational Decree Number #47 – No threats of bodily harm, maiming, and/or torture are permitted in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
And then, due to a masterwork of charms, runes, and a drabble of parselmagic, the flames changed to a deep green as new words formed that sent a chill to all who knew who it came from.
Messyrs Blackwing, Darkmane, Venotooth, and Ringtail bid good day to you Missus Toadly
And may we just say that we are very, very, very disappointed in the fall in quality that the DADA post has suffered this year. We are so very sad for this most grievous tragedy.
Umbridge bellowed in a mix of fear and rage, "WHO IS DOING THIS! I'LL HAVE YOUR HIDE FOR THIS!"
Another Decree smashed through a window, this one being #45, and burst into another torrent of green flame. Now there was screaming across the Great Hall, although the flames centered around the abomination at the center, and felt cold to the touch rather than burning.
Tch, tch, tch. Rules, Madam Umbridge. The rules are meant to be followed.
You made it yourself, so it's only fair.
Oh… but silly me! Silly us! Of course, the rules don't apply to you!
'Rules for thee and not for me,' isn't that the saying?
"THE MINISTER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS! YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS!"
Ahh… The Minister.
Isn't his name 'Chocolate'?
No, Ringtail, it's F***.
That was a touch crass, Darkmane, but not entirely inaccurate.
On the topic of more fun vocabulary, why don't we go down the list of bullshite that our favorite savory sweet of a man has given us.
That breakout at Azkaban, oh that's nothing!
Sirius Black! It's all Sirius Black!
Nevermind that he hasn't been sighted doing any illegal activity outside of being free.
Nevermind the fact that he was never given a trial in the first place.
Nevermind the overwhelming evidence of the Dark Lord himself participating in the breakout.
No no. That's all hush-hush.
Gotta keep the masses happy so that I can get re-elected.
Nevermind the bought votes.
Or the plentiful bribes.
Did we mention the suspicious illness that his previous opponent faced during the election?
Very odd.
"LIES! ALL OF IT ARE LIES!"
Her eyes, and the eyes of everyone in the Hall, widened when the green flames surrounding her suddenly dropped in temperature, freezing her fingertips.
Oh, you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?
Oh! How dare these plebeians exercise free will?
How dare they go against the word of the Ministry?
You must not tell lies.
You would know all about that…
Wouldn't you?
It was then that the final transformation happened, and it was truly a terrible sight. Many of the children who witnessed it struggled to sleep at night, and those who survived the war over a decade ago were viscerally reminded of the wanton cruelty exhibited by the Dark Lord's most terrifying rampages.
The slug-like creature doubled over as the green flames rose in a crescendo. It began to puke blood and feathers, which floated around writing You must not tell lies in the air with smoke before bursting in black flames. The creature itself began to howl as if it were held under the Cruciatus Curse, for it began to sprout blood covered feathers across its body, scratching into the skin the same words over and over.
You must not tell lies.
Finally, after the attempts made by each of the professors to stop whatever was happening to the High Inquisitor, the headmaster burst the doors of the Great Hall and poured all of his magical might as he bellowed out "FINITE!"
Slowly, the growth of feathers stopped, and the blood tipped feathers began to wilt as if they were long-dead flowers. The creature slumped to the ground in heaving sobs of mixed pain and fury as it reverted to the heavily bloodied and still slightly green form of Umbridge.
The headmaster's eyes, usually tinkling in hidden mirth, were set in grim slits. He scanned the students who were still in the Hall, watching the scene in horror, and was massively displeased to see four students, all of unruly black hair, absent from the scene of the crime.
Finally, his eyes saw the final vestiges of the attack (for what else was it?), a message above the doors of the Great Hall emblazed in green flame.
Never Tickle a Sleeping Dragon
Or You Will Awaken the Beasts of War
Author's Notes:
So yeah, it got rather out of hand by the end.
Uhhh… I just started writing it and didn't stop. Whoopsie.
Either way, here's some info on what I plan for this work.
Years 1-4 will be covered over the course of several flashbacks.
The world itself is heavily inspired by Harry Potter and the Prince of Slytherin by The Sinister Man. ( s/11191235/1/Harry-Potter-and-the-Prince-of-Slytherin?_cf_chl_tk=R8jIbVF7DtpYyhkgtZ2xiMySzMi2e1dZbJHd7vOpEkE-1669607991-0-gaNycGzNC30)
Also, I'm currently working on the next chapter for The Black Phoenix, and it will take priority once this goes up.
I made this in a single sitting. It was one of those ideas.
Please let me know what you think of this! Also, feel free to give any ideas for this story!