Author's Note: I was stuck at home for about two weeks, so I passed some of the time by watching the Quintessential Quintuplets. After finishing the two seasons, I went out and read the remaining manga volumes. I really loved this series, so I wanted to write something for it. I have a very particular sense of humor when it comes to my own writing, but I hope y'all enjoy it.
The five Nakano sisters were gathered in living room of their modest apartment. Their tutor of the last year or so, Futaro Uesugi, had just arrived for what had initially seemed like a routine study session. It became clear all too quickly that things were not going as usual.
"I'm afraid that we won't get much studying done today." Futaro said.
The girls were stunned. Futaro not wanting to study was like water flowing uphill.
"Why not?" Itsuki asked pointedly.
"Because," Futaro said, "I have reason to believe that one of you five is being controlled by an evil statue and is currently trying to destroy the world."
"What" Itsuki said.
"Is- is that a joke?" Ichika asked.
"Unfortunately, I don't think it is. Fu doesn't have much of a sense of humor." Nino added.
"I do have a sense of humor, it's just that- hey!" Futaro cut himself off when Miku suddenly got up and put her hand on his head.
"He doesn't feel feverish." she said, sounding a little relieved.
"That's because I'm not." Futaro said.
"Then why are you saying something so absurd?" Itsuki asked.
Futaro woke in the middle of the night. It felt like there was a weight on his body. He was confused at first, before wondering if he was experiencing sleep paralysis. That was comforting, since having a problem you can understand is better than having a problem you couldn't.
He opened his eyes and looked up. There appeared to be something sitting on top of him, which did more to reinforce the sleep paralysis theory. It took him a moment, in the dim light, to realize that the figure on top of him was one of the Nakano sisters. It took him slightly longer to realize that she appeared to be nude.
He closed his eyes again and groaned. This was a dream of a wholly different type. He didn't have time for this.
"Futaro." the girl said. He opened his eyes and looked at her again. She had her hair pulled back, so he couldn't use that to identify her. Between the angle and the light, he wasn't even sure how long her hair was. And her voice didn't help. It sounded… off.
"I know you're thinking this is just a dream you're having, but it isn't." the girl whispered.
"Okay, so why are you here, in the middle of the night?" he whispered back.
"Because I wanted to share with you the good news."
"You've become a nudist?"
"Oh, no. Not that. I've found my calling."
"That's great. Come back and tell me in the morning."
"I found the most wonderful statue the other day. Do you know what it was?"
"You're going to keep talking no matter what I say, aren't you?"
"It was a statue of Asmodeus, the lord of darkness. And as I gazed upon it, I had a vision. A vision of you becoming his vessel, of me becoming your concubine, and together we would tear down the works of the children of Eve, and place them under our yoke for all eternity."
"Pass."
She stared at him. "What did you say?"
"Not interested in demons, or becoming some evil overlord. And why are YOU so interested in this?" He paused. "Do you think that you might have been brainwashed?"
He cheeks puffed up and she gave an angry pout. "I am NOT brainwashed!" she pushed herself off of him. He was relieved at first, until he saw what she was doing.
She grabbed something off the floor and, with a grunt of effort, held it up to where Futaro could see. It was something that could be vaguely called a staff; a long, thin piece of wood that had been stripped of bark. That wasn't the worrying part. The worrying part was the numerous bones and other parts of animals that were tied to it with barbed wire. It was topped with a cow skull.
"Would a brainwashed person make something like this?" she asked.
"Brainwashing is, honestly, the least worrying explanation for that." Futaro turned over. "I'm going back to bed. Good night."
"Grrr… fine, I'll let myself out."
"Well, if she showed up to your place naked," Ichika said, "Clearly it can only be the most dirty-minded quint."
"So, you're confessing?" Futaro asked.
Ichika nearly choked on her tea. "What!? No! I meant Miku. She's the dirty one."
"Hey!" Miku said, looking embarrassed. "How do we know it's not you? You're the future supervillain here."
"If you're talking about what happened in Kyoto, I really am sorry." Ichika said. "And I wasn't seriously accusing you of anything, Miku. I just wanted to tease you."
"It sounds like you just had a weird dream, Uesugi." Itsuki said, before taking a sip of tea. "Do you have any reason to think it was actually real?"
"I was ready to disregard it as a dream, until I woke and found out that she wrote 'THAT WASN'T A DREAM' on the wall in blood. Blood she got from an alley cat."
"How do you know where she got the blood?"
"Because she left what was left of the cat in my apartment."
"That- that actually sounds pretty bad." Ichika said.
"So, who do you think it is?" said Nino, eyeing her sisters with suspicion.
"Hard to say. Could be Miku or Ichika. Could be you."
"What? What reason do you have to suspect me?" Nino asked.
"You do have knockout drugs."
"For a good reason." She turned to Yotsuba. "Yotsuba, what does your schedule look like for today?
"Well, I have track practice after study time, then I have a shift of work, then I'm supposed to donate blood, then I have soccer practice, then tennis practice, then-"
"Wow, you're really busy!" Nino said. She handed Yotsuba a glass of water. "Here, make sure you're properly hydrated."
"Thanks!" Yotsuba said. She took the glass, drank it in a single gulp, and then immediately passed out.
"Nino…" Futaro said.
"What?" she asked. "If I didn't do this, she'd never get any sleep." She punctuated the statement by taking a sip of tea.
"Besides," Ichika said, "you're supposed to take it easy after you donate blood."
For several minutes, nobody spoke. They just sat and sipped their tea.
"Do you really believe in all of this?" Ichika asked.
"Yeah." Itsuki added. "Don't you think that brainwashing demonic statues is just a little too out there?"
"This supernatural stuff is a lot more common than some people think." Futaro said. "Reiha bumped into a witch at the store a while back, and she got turned into a parakeet for two months."
"Tell me where that witch lives." Itsuki said darkly.
"We can sort that out later. Right now we need to figure out which one of you has been compromised." Futaro said.
"It could be any one of us." Miku said glumly.
"Well, I can say for sure that it wasn't Yotsuba." Futaro said.
"Why are you so quick to say that?" Itsuki asked.
"Oh, this is how things usually go for Yotsuba." Nino said. "She does nothing and everything just works out for her."
"What do we even know about the brainwashed one?" Ichika said.
"Didn't Uesugi say that she had trouble lifting her staff?" Itsuki said.
"Oh, I get it. Futaro thinks that it can't be Yotsuba because she's in the best shape out of all of us." Ichika said.
"Actually, I hadn't thought of that." Futaro said.
"I think I see what Nino means." Ichika said.
Nino simply sipped her tea, but the message from her was clear.
Futaro looked lost in thought. "The quint who's in the worst physical shape. That would be…"
He looked at Miku.
"Uh, hey? Guys? Who made the tea today?" Futaro asked.
"That would be… Miku…" Ichika said.
Miku looked up and gave a look that could be technically considered a smile, and would be more properly described as a menacing rictus.
Nino fell over, unconscious.
"Well, shit." Futaro said, right before he lost consciousness as well.
"Wake up! C'mon, we need to hurry!" Yotsuba said.
"Aww, can't I have another five minutes?" Ichika said groggily.
"No. You can't our sister is missing, and so is Fu."
Ichika bolted up at that. She looked around and saw that she was still in her apartment. Yotsuba and Nino were already up, while Itsuki still hadn't stirred.
"Where's Miku? Where did she go?" Ichika asked. "Is- is she really possessed or whatever?"
"We don't know." Yostuba said quietly.
"We were out for hours. Miku isn't here. I tried calling Fu's family, but they haven't seen him."
"Hmm, let me try something." Ichika said. She pulled out her phone and spent a moment tapping the screen. "Okay, I know where Futaro is."
"Woo-hoo! Let's go get him!" Yotsuba said.
"Wait a minute." Nino said. "How do you know where he is?"
"With this app. See?" Ichika showed her sister the phone. I was displaying a map, with a point marked in the forest outside of town.
"Oh hey, that's right by the nature trail we were on the other day. Wait, does that mean Miku found the statue during that hike? She did get separated from us for a while." Yotsuba said.
"I have a more important question: How does this app know where Fu is?" Nino asked.
"It's following his tracking chip." Ichika said matter-of-factly.
"Tracking chip? Ichika, why does Fu have a tracking chip?"
"W-well, you see, there's a funny story about that that definitely doesn't make me sound like a creep-"
"Did you have him chipped without his knowledge?" Nino asked.
"He… may not be fully aware of it…"
"Miku was right about you being a supervillain."
"Enough!" Itsuki said, catching her sisters off guard. "We need to go find Uesugi and Miku, now."
"Exactly, thank you." Ichika said.
"We can talk about Ichika later."
"Thanks a lot." Ichika said flatly.
"Yotsuba, do we still have that five-seater bike?" Itsuki asked.
"That old thing?" Nino asked.
"Yep! I've been wanting to use it again since forever." Yotsuba said.
"...I hate to ask this," Ichika said, "But… do we have anything we could use as weapons?"
Nino glared at her.
"We don't know what we're going to find out there. I don't want to hurt Miku, but we need to be ready for anything."
"Ooh, ooh!" Yotsuba said. "I've got some stuff. We could take my baseball bat, my tennis racket, my kendo stick, my bow, my badminton racket, my field hockey stick, my golf clubs, my ice hockey stick, my lacrosse stick, my curling broom, my croquet mallet, my camogie stick, my polo mallet, my fencing epee, my tossing caber-"
"Just take all of it!" Ichika said.
"You got it!"
"Are you insane?" Nino asked. "What good is an epee going to be in a real fight?"
When Futaro took this tutoring job, he never expected how many things it would put him through that he had never experienced before.
He had formed a connection with each of the Nakano sisters, and with his other peers. He had begun to see the true value in all of the social activities he had once dismissed. He had started to fall in love.
He wanted to remind himself of the good parts of his recent life, because he wasn't having a great evening.
He woke up on top of a wooden platform, roughly and probably shoddily made somewhere in the middle of a forest. That was far from the worst part.
He was tied down, which was very worrying, but that still wasn't the worst part.
The platform was surrounded by all manner of terrible creatures, many looking like some twisted parody of humans with random body parts replaced with parts of animals. And as terrible as shark-headed and chicken-legged demons were, that still wasn't the worst part.
The statue that had seemingly caused the whole thing was in the center of the horde of monsters. It was in the vague shape of a man, but as Futaro looked at it while trying to move his head, it didn't seem to show the proper parallax for an object of its size and distance from him. That was almost the worst thing.
"Where did those things come from?" He asked.
"I called them into this world."
The worst thing was that Miku was on the platform with him. That should be comforting, having somebody he was so close to with him, except she was the reason he was here in the first place. She seemed to have been dragged fully into her "satanic priestess" role, with the creepy staff, a creepier grin, and-
"Miku, what are you wearing?" Futaro asked, scandalized.
"Do you like it?" she asked.
"You look like you raided your sisters' closets to make the skankiest outfit you could find." It actually was very distracting, but he didn't want to give her the satisfaction of saying as much out loud.
"Wouldn't it have been easier to take four separate bikes?" Nino asked between heavy breaths.
"I was hoping that Yotsuba could make up for the rest of us." Itsuki said, sounding even more winded.
"Don't worry! I'm on it!" Yotsuba said, trying to push herself even harder.
"Well maybe we wouldn't have to rely on Yotsuba so much if somebody-" Nino shot a glare back at Ichika- "were actually pulling her weight."
"Hey, I'm pedaling as hard as I can!" Ichika lied.
Night had fallen, and the monsters had built a ring of fires. It did not make things any more pleasant.
"So, Futaro, are you ready to become the vessel?" Miku asked.
"No! No, I'm not!" Futaro said. "Miku, stop! This isn't you! You have to fight it!"
"Futaro, that's a pretty cliched line."
"Yeah, well, it's true. I know you well enough to know that you're a good person. You don't want to let the people around you get hurt, much less enslave the human race. It's just the statue making you do this."
"Futaro…" her expression softened into an expression of concern. She actually looked like herself again.
"There we go, now untie me and let's get out of here-"
Miku's head suddenly jerked back, pointing her face up into the sky. Her body shook.
"That doesn't look good."
Miku's episode ended, and she turned her gaze back to him. She had the un-Miku-like expression again.
"I'm sorry, Futaro, but I'm afraid I can't refuse to do what the statue tells me to." She said. Futaro thought he heard a note of sorrow in her voice.
She turned to the monsters and slammed the butt of her staff against the platform. All eyes turned to them.
"My loyal minions, rejoice! On this night, our master will join us, and we will tear down this world of hubristic man, and-"
"Pardon me." Miku, Futaro, and the monsters all looked to see who was speaking.
It was a man wearing an outfit that looked several centuries out of date. He wore a metal helmet, a rounded bowl covering his cranium with a sheet of interlinked plates hanging down and covering his neck. His face was obscured by a metal mask. More sheets of the scale-like plates covered his chest and shoulders and hung down from his hips. He wore a long blue tunic under his armor, and carried a sheathed, straight-bladed sword.
"Who the hell are you!? What are you even doing here?" Miku demanded.
"I am Yi Sun-sin." The masked man said. Futaro thought that he could see a vein sticking out of Miku's forehead at the mention of the name. "I am looking for Toyotomi Hideyoshi, because I hear he's being a little bitch and needs to have his ass kicked again."
"GET HIM!" Miku screamed. The masked man turned and fled without another word, running far faster than Futaro would have expected. Most of the monsters gave chase.
"Okay, what the heck was that?" Futaro asked.
"Well, this is a nice mess you've gotten us into." Nino said. "Where's the trail, Yotsuba?"
"Uh- eh-heh, I'm sure that Ichika and Itsuki are around here somewhere." Yotsuba said. She heard some commotion somewhere far away, and tightened her grip on her baseball bat.
"Some rescue operation this is." Nino said. "What's going to happen if we can't find them?"
"D-don't worry. We've got this totally under-"
"Hello." said a polite-sounding voice. Nino and Yotsuba turned to see a creature that was vaguely human-shaped with the head of a goat. "I was wondering if I could ask you a question?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yotsuba said.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Nino said.
"I couldn't help but notice that you," the creature gestured towards Yotsuba, "have a very nice body."
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Yotsuba replied.
"Would it be alright if I possessed you?"
"AAAAAAAAA- Wait, do you seriously think anybody would be stupid enough to agree to that?" Nino asked.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAA- oh, yeah. Sure."
"What. What!? Yotsuba, why the hell would you agree to that?"
"He asked so nicely." Yotsuba said.
The demon then ran into Yotsuba, seemingly absorbing into her on contact.
"Okay, Yotsuba, how do you feel? Do you need me to beat him out of you?"
"Ahh, don't worry. I feel totally fine and completely normal." Yotsuba said. She then seized a flying grasshopper out of the air, shoved into her mouth, and ate it.
"This day just keeps getting worse." Nino said.
"Pardon me," said another monster, this one with the beak and legs of a crow, as it came out of the woods, "But I couldn't help but see what happened with my compatriot, and I would like to ask if I could also possess your body?"
"Oh, come on. Even Yotsuba isn't dumb enough to-"
"Go ahead!" Yostuba said.
"How do we have the same genes?"
"Fore!" Itsuki yelled before swinging her 9-iron into the head of a monster.
"You don't have to do that every time, you know." Ichika said before whacking the downed enemy with her hurley.
"Okay, well, we've had a little distraction, but I think that we could still-"
Miku was cut off when Futaro suddenly stood up.
"How!?"
"Turns out, you're not very good with knots."
"Grrr… Surround him!" Miku called to the few monsters that had stayed with them. "Make sure he doesn't get away!"
Futaro grit his teeth. It looked like he was going to have to try fighting.
"Okay, Yotsuba, you are now possessed by at least thirty demons. You smell like rancid meat, plants shrivel when they touch you, and your voice has a creepy reverb effect now. Maybe you should stop saying yes to every single demon?" Nino said.
"Maybe…"
"Oh, does that mean I can't possess you?" said a man-sized trout with legs.
"Nnnnnnnn-yes. Yes you can." Yostuba said.
"I'm starting to think I'm the only one in this family who isn't insane." Nino said.
"There he is!" Ichika said as she and Itsuki made their way towards the clearing.
"And that must be Miku." Itsuki added. "They looked like they're locked in battle."
"Looks more like they're pulling each other's cheeks." Ichika said.
"That is more the level of physical exertion I'd expect from those two." Itsuki said. "Oh, hey! That must be the statue!"
"Wow." Ichika said, gazing at it. "No wonder Miku likes that statue so much~"
"Don't look at the statue, you idiots. You'll get brainwashed, too." Futaro yelled.
Itsuki and Ichika averted their eyes.
"So, what do we do now?" Itsuki asked.
Ichika tightened her grip on her hurley. "We can't just go and smash a big piece of rock we can't even look at, especially with only what we have on hand. So we'll have to do what we can to support Futaro. Futaro! Catch!" Ichika cocked her arm and threw her hurley towards Futaro with all her might.
It clattered to the ground a few feet away from her, nowhere near Futaro.
"We're all going to start hitting the gym if we get out of this." Futaro said.
"Pardon me," said a demon with a head consisting of a single, giant eyeball. "But I couldn't help but notice that-"
"En garde!" Nino shouted before thrusting her epee into the demon's eye. The demon collapsed into a heap, screaming bloody murder.
"Huh. Guess this thing did turn out to be useful." Nino said.
"Maybe we should trying fighting through those monsters?" Itsuki said.
"I'm not so sure. They look a lot bigger that the other ones." Ichika said. "And we still don't know where Nino and Yotsuba are."
"Well we can't just sit here!" Itsuki said.
"I know, but we need something more, like- hey, wait a minute! Miku, did you get those clothes out of my closet? You did, didn't you?"
"That's not the important thing here, Ichika." Itsuki said. "What we need is-" Itsuki was cut off as she heard a very unexpected noise. She and Ichika both turned to look up the trail they had followed to the clearing.
"Are you kidding me!?" Ichika said.
"TRUCK!" Itsuki yelled.
"Life, Yotsuba, is all about cause and effect. You let like five hundred demons possess you, so now I've had to take desperate measures." Nino said as she shoved her bundled up socks into Yotsuba's mouth.
"Okay, so now there's a truck here, too." Ichika said.
"What the heck is going on!?" Itsuki said.
"This can't get any weirder." Ichika said, and was immediately proven wrong when the driver of the truck opened the door and hopped out.
"Hi guys!" said Reiha Uesugi, Futaro's younger sister. She was still wearing her middle school uniform.
"Reiha!" Itsuki said before pulling the younger girl into a hug.
"What are you doing here?" said a baffled Ichika.
"Futaro never came home, so I checked his tracking chip." Reiha said.
"Tracking chip?" Futaro said indignantly.
"Did you have him chipped without his knowledge?" Ichika said. "Shame on you, Reiha! That's a terrible thing to do, and Itsuki why are you looking at me like that?"
"How did you get a truck?" ask Futaro, in between trying to avoid slaps from Miku.
"Don't tell me you stole it." Ichika said.
"Of course not!" Reiha said. "I rented it."
"Did you rent it using falsified documents?" Futaro said while trying to put Miku into a headlock.
"Maaaaaaybe."
"More importantly, do you have anything you can use to destroy a demonic statue?" Ichika asked.
"Well, the truck just ran out of gas, so it's not going anywhere, but I did bring some plastic explosives. That should do the trick!" Reiha said.
"You have plastic explosives!?" Itsuki asked. "Reiha, those are dangerous! Where would you ever get those?"
"I made them myself." Reiha said.
"H-h-h-how!? Reiha, how do you know how to make plastic explosives?" Itsuki asked.
"My grandma taught me." Reiha said, as if she were discussing a family recipe.
"Reiha, why did-"
"We don't have time for this!" Ichika interrupted. "Reiha, I don't suppose you can rig a statue to explode without looking at it? This one tends to brainwash anybody who looks at it for too long."
"Yeah, that should be easy." Reiha said. She untied her neckerchief and tied it around her face as an improvised blindfold. "Just give me a minute."
"Get her!" Miku yelled while trying to avoid being slapped by Futaro.
Reiha ran in what, as far as she could tell, was the direction of the statue. Half of the monsters ran towards her, while the rest stayed around Miku. Ichika and Itsuki ran to intercept.
"Well, at least I'll be ready for my next action role." Ichika said.
"Don't most of your roles end with you dead?" Itsuki asked.
"...It's not really that many…"
"If you say so. Fore!" Itsuki said before swinging her 9-iron into the head of a nearby demon. It flinched, but unlike the previous ones it didn't go down. Ichika swung her hurley across the ground, hitting a rock into the body of another demon that was trying to go around them to get to Reiha. She succeeded in getting the creature's attention, but was unsure if she could do much more.
"I think we could use a little help." Ichika said.
"Where the heck are the others?"
"You know, Miku, if you really did want to hurt me, you could pick up that staff and try hitting me with that?" Futaro said.
"What are you trying to say?" Miku asked.
"I think you're not doing everything you can here, and I think you know it."
She pouted and clenched her fist. Futaro took that as a small victory.
A monster with the head of a water buffalo bore down on Itsuki. She could feel a knot forming in her stomach, but the monster came to an abrupt halt as somebody swung a sword into its neck.
It didn't go all the way through the monster's neck, but it did dig in enough to put the monster down for good. The creature collapsed as foul black blood poured out of its wound.
Itsuki saw her new benefactor: a masked, armored man.
"Who the heck are you?" Itsuki asked.
"I am Admiral Yi Sun-sin. I am here to help."
"That explanation somehow makes this more confusing." Itsuki said.
"Stop complaining!" Ichika said. "We need all the help we can get!" Ichika was so busy that she didn't notice another demon coming at her from behind.
"Ichika, look out!" Itsuki yelled.
But the monster never made it to Ichika. Something came barreling through the air and slammed into it.
"What the heck was that?" Itsuki said.
"It looks like… Yotsuba." Ichika said.
Yotsuba tried to say something, but her mouth was apparently full.
"Yotsuba threw herself at the demon?"
"Oh, no, I threw her." Nino said.
"Nino, you're here!" Itsuki said. "...Why do you sound so calm?"
"I've found a new stage of anger, beyond anything in this world." A monster charged at her. She jabbed it once in each eye with her epee while barely glancing at it. "I need to make sure that we can all make it through this, so I can make Yotsuba suffer beyond human ken."
"Why did you bring an epee?" asked Futaro, who had just about collapsed from exhaustion. "Wouldn't a saber have been more useful?"
"Fu, I love you, but please don't make this any harder than it has to be." Nino said.
"Bomb's done!" Reiha said, suddenly darting away from the statue. "Everybody get clear!"
"Bomb!?" Admiral Yi said, sounding concerned.
"Just run! We'll explain later!" Ichika said.
Ichika, Nino, and Itsuki took off. Admiral Yi followed suit, stopping for a moment to help Yotsuba to her feet.
Several things happened all at once.
Several loud booms rang out, reducing the statue to rubble spread out over several square yards.
The demons suddenly vanished.
Miku, who was making an attempt at grabbing Futaro, lost consciousness and awkwardly crashed into him.
"Huh. Guess it's over." Ichika said.
"The monsters are gone." Itsuki added.
"Aaaaand the socks come out." Nino said, pulling her footwear out of Yotsuba's mouth. "How are you feeling? Less possessed?"
"Yep! I'm totally and completely back to normal!" Yotsuba said. A rabbit came up to her. Yotsuba grabbed it, shoved the unfortunate animal into her mouth, and swallowed it without even chewing.
"I'm really glad Reiha has a blindfold on right now." Itsuki said.
"That's something I'd really like to un-see." Futaro said.
"Aaaaand the socks go back in." Nino said, shoving her footwear back into her sister's mouth.
"Hey, could I get a little help over here?" Futaro asked. The other Nakanos and Admiral Yi made their way over to him.
"How's Miku?" Nino asked.
"She's basically asleep. She's probably exhausted."
Everybody breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank you all for your help. Including you, Yuuske."
The Nakano sisters glanced at each other, confused.
Admiral Yi removed his mask, revealing the face of Futaro's, for lack of a better word, friend Yuuske Takeda.
"I must say, I'm quite impressed you were able to recognize me." Yuuske said.
"Well, your voice is pretty recognizable." Futaro said.
"So, why were you out here?" Ichika said.
"And why were you dressed like Yi Sun-sin?" Nino added.
"Did you come out here to help us?" Itsuki said.
"Well, if I didn't tell him, and none of you told him, then he couldn't have known about this whole mess beforehand. And if he didn't know, then that means the only explanation is that he was running around the forest, pretending to be a historical figure." Futaro said.
"Perceptive as always, I see! You are correct, Futaro, this is a hobby of mine. Perhaps you would like to join me next time?"
"Sure, let's do it." Futaro said, sounding excited.
"I appreciate your enthusiasm. Tell me, which do you think would fit you better: the style of Commodore Perry, or the grandeur of Kublai Khan?"
"Couldn't you have picked more tasteful historical figures?" asked a groggy voice.
"Miku!" Futaro said. "You're awake!"
"Technically." she said. "Could we go home?"
"Sounds good to me." Itsuki said.
"One thing I'd like to know first," Ichika said. "Why did you take my clothes?"
"If I was going to be a supervillain, I wanted to dress the part." Miku answered.
"Aww, Miku, c'mon. My real supervillain outfit looks a lot cooler than that." Ichika said.
"...Does she have an actual supervillain outfit?" Itsuki asked, confused.
"After today, I can't tell what's real." Nino said.
"Can I take the blindfold off now?" Reiha asked.
Miku wasn't sure what to make of it when Ichika said that she wanted to talk on the roof of the school after class, but she went anyway.
She wasn't ready to find Futaro there.
"Hey, Miku, how have you been? I haven't seen you much in last week."
Miku looked down. She didn't answer.
"You haven't been talking after class. You've been too busy for tutoring sessions. Or at least you keep saying as much."
Miku still didn't answer.
"You've been avoiding me."
"Yeah…" she answered weakly.
"Why?" Futaro asked. "Is it because you're feeling guilty?"
"I dragged you off into the middle of the forest. I tried to have you possessed. I summoned demons, and I sicced them on you and my sisters. I tried to destroy the world. I did so many terrible things."
"...Well, okay, yes, you did do those things, technically. But it wasn't really you. You were being controlled." Futaro said.
"How can you be sure of that?" Miku asked, pointedly.
"Because I know you. Because I know you love me and your sisters."
A part of Futaro actually enjoyed the blush that suddenly appeared on her face.
"Because I know you're a kind person. You're probably the last person who'd really want to take over the world. And if it had been one of your sisters who got brainwashed instead, I think you would've been out there fighting to save her."
Miku shook her head. "I can't just ignore what I did."
"I see. Well then, what are you hoping to accomplish by avoiding me? Are you trying to keep me safe, are you trying to punish yourself, or do you want to avoid thinking about what happened?"
Miku didn't reply, though she was clearly pondering something.
"Let's say you do feel guilty. What would you be willing to do to make amends?" Futaro asked.
"I'd do… anything…"
"Alright then. One thing you could do is to stop avoiding me."
"But-"
"You mean a lot to me. A-all of your sisters do, too. It's bad enough that Yotsuba isn't with us right now. It's even worse to not have you, too. Besides, do you really think I want you to be miserable?" Futaro said.
"No, no. That isn't what you'd want. And staying away from you isn't what I want." Miku said. She looked up at him and smiled. "Should we get going? It's almost time for tutoring."
"That's great." Futaro said with a smile. "Because I don't want to see what'll happen to your grades if you skip any more studying."
That got a pout and a glare from Miku. Futaro savored the feeling of familiarity.
Futaro and four of the Nakano sisters were gathered for a certain weekly video call.
"Hey, everybody!" Yotsuba said from the screen.
Everybody waved back at her.
"How are you doing?" Ichika asked.
"I'm doing great! Austria's a beautiful country, the nuns here are actually pretty nice, and I only sometimes think that the world's a shitty, disgusting lie that needs to be reduced to rubble." Yotsuba said.
"So, still not demon-free, then?" Ichika said.
"I'm afraid not." said Sister Erika, one of the nuns who had been overseeing Yotsuba's case. "We cast out another five this week, but we still have another-" she stopped to check her notes, "two hundred and eighty-seven to go."
"So, it's going to be a while before she can come home." Futaro said.
"Yeah, looks like it..." Yotsuba said.
"Uh, well, good news: We've made sure to take care of your plants." Ichika said.
"That's great! ...Oh, hey, you guys made sure not to overwater the lithops, right?"
"Well, I've been watering it once a week-"
"You overwatered it." Yotsuba said glumly.
"Your fencing team says hi!" Nino cut in. "I think they really miss you."
"You've been talking with them?" Yotsuba said.
"Actually, I've joined them." Nino said. "It's honestly pretty exciting."
"It is, isn't it?" Yotsuba said. "Maybe we could have a match when I get back."
Nino gave an unusually gentle smile. "That sounds great, Yotsuba."
"Hehe, I can't wait to grind you into the dust to prove that I am the supreme quint."
This earned a stern look from Sister Erika.
"So, Miku, how are you doing?" Yotsuba asked.
"It... turns out I've got a reputation at school now for being an evil sorceress." she said abashedly.
"You might think that would be bad for her reputation," Ichika said, "but it turns out that a lot of people like bad girls."
"Don't." Miku and Futaro said in unison.
"I've been spending more time with Reiha." Itsuki said. "I've started tutoring her on some of her classes, and she's been teaching me a few things as well." Itsuki flashed the sort of smile that tended to raise concerns. "Soon, we're going to give that witch a nice little surprise..."
"May you savor the blood of your enemies!" Yotsuba said cheerily.
"And what about you, Yotsuba?" Futaro asked. "Please tell me you aren't slacking off on studying."
"I'm not. My German's getting a lot better." Yotsuba said.
"How many fires did she start this week?" Nino asked.
"Three," said Sister Erika.
"Wow, that's not as many as last week." Ichika said, struggling to sound optimistic.
"And you're sure there's nobody closer to Japan who could help?" Miku asked.
"Our order specializes in… extreme cases like hers. But there's only ten of us, and we don't have enough money to relocate."
"I'm sorry, guys." Yotsuba said. "I'll try to get back to all of you, soon. I promise."
"Yotsuba…" Miku said.
"She said she'll be back, so she'll be back." Futaro said. He punctuated it by squeezing Miku's hand.
Yotsuba suddenly had a very strange look on her face.
"Uh, Yotsuba? Something up?" Nino asked.
"I shall burn all that you love to ash!" Yotsuba yelled. Sister Erika brandished a silver crucifix. Yotsuba hissed at her before running away, pressing herself against a wall, and scaling it like a giant gecko.
"Well, at least we managed to save the world from that one demon."
"Ehhh…" Sister Erika said.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Nino asked.
"A lot of demons like to overstate their power and danger. At least twelve of the demons we've cast out of Yotsuba have claimed to be the "lord of the deepest darkness" or something similar.
"Ich bin der Furst der tiefste Finsternis!" Something said using Yotsuba's mouth.
"See what I mean?" Sister Erika said.
"I think now might be a good time to call it a day." Ichika said.
"For what it's worth, we all think your sister is a lovely girl. She's always so cheerful and ready to help... when she's herself, of course."
They ended the call there.
"Okay, show of hands," Futaro said. "How many of you are thinking of transferring to a school in Austria to be with Yotsuba?"
Ichika, Nino, Miku, and Itsuki all raised their hands. He was expecting this, but he couldn't complain. He had his hand up, too.
Author's Note: I'd like to clarify that I don't dislike Ichika or Yotsuba at all. The characters are kind of exaggerated, for the sake of comedy. And I case you're wondering: this fic was inspired by a certain They Might Be Giants Song.
December 2 2022: I wasn't feeling content with the final scene, so I went back and re-wrote it.