Author's note: I haven't read beyond Volume 5 of the light novels so this is set somewhere along that time. Slight references to blood and injury. It's more of a fluffy fic than anything, really self indulgent. (Pls don't spoil future volumes in the comments, thank you).
--
"Lena..." he muttered, somewhat incoherently. The influence of fatigue and unconsciousness still on the edge of bringing him down. His body felt weightless, yet heavy all the same. Numb, yet so hyperaware of everything, sensations becoming so overwhelming he wanted to cry.
His body ached so furiously, it burned somewhere near his abdomen, yet he couldn't pinpoint where it lie. Panic slowly rises within him, as he struggles to find his bearings.
"Lena..." where is she? He remembered her tragic expression, as she gazes at him with wary eyes. Blood has flowed from her forehead, and he could spot red blossoming at her thigh. Those silver eyes were the last thing she saw before he blacked out.
"Shin!"
He was jostled to pure consciousness. So they were real...
He'd been hearing murmurs of familiar voices, but simply dismissed them as another cry from the Legion. He'd grown so accustomed to faceless voices echoing in his ear, so it didn't really register that these voices belonged to faces he knew.
Not until... the familiar silver bell. That voice, he recognized it right away.
"Lena...?" He reached towards the blurred figure that blocked the light before him.
"I'm here!" She sniffled, "I'm here, Shin..."
He felt a warmth in his palm, as the figure guides his hand towards her cheek. Slowly, his vision began to focus. The light illuminated her, framing her figure with blinding white, and he pales, fearing he'll never catch a scene as angelic as this.
"Lena..." he calls out once more, his hand subtly guiding her face closer to him. He wanted to see her clearly.
"Yes, Shin... it's me."
Her smile was sad, but relieved. Her eyes were glistening, reddened. Though it was so obvious to him that she tried to stifle it back, she's trying so hard to push them back. Yet those little droplets of tears forming in her eyes are too clear to ignore.
One look at her and he knows she's been through hell. Bandaids and gauze littered her figure, a bandage wrapped around her forehead. Then... her hair... it was cut by accident during the battle.
Her hair, dangled above her shoulder, jaggedly cut, uneven in so many places. Yet somehow, her elegance never wavered, her presence a serenity in spite of that. And he remembers... he remembers everything.
"Lena..." he needed to tell her. He needed to tell her now, because he was so close to losing the chance to do so.
She needed to know. Because if he doesn't tell her now, he fears he won't ever tell her again.
"Lena, I..." he cleared his throat, a lump catching before he was able to truly speak.
"Theo, please..." she turns towards the blond boy, who was closest to the water dispenser. He was already filling a paper cup with water before Lena had even prompted him to do so.
"Yeah, I'm on it," he scooted between Anju and Kurena, who were standing a little ways away from the foot of the hospital bed. Kurena had clearly been crying, even if her eyes are currently dry, the puffiness of her eyelids were always a telltale sign. Anju on the other hand, was comforting Kurena the best that she can, despite wallowing in turmoil herself.
Theo had his arm in a sling, a cast peeking through the supportive bandages. He hands the cup to Raiden, who was standing the closest to the foot of his bed. He looked like a wreck as well, pale as if he'd not seen sunlight in days. Or rather, he hadn't seen a bed in weeks. Raiden's brows knitted together, yet his smile was evident. So they were all still here...
He inched closer, walking to stand beside Lena, who was preoccupied with pushing Shin's hair away from his face, her other hand, tightly held within Shin's fingers. He hadn't even notice he was holding onto her so tightly.
Raiden lured the cup to his lips, "drink up, buddy."
Shin leans his head away, "No, I..." he coughed. He can't wait another moment, he needed to tell her.
"Lena-"
"Please, Shin..." Lena brushes a stray strand of hair away from his eye, "you can tell me anything, just drink the water first, okay?"
Okay... He could do that.
When Raiden pressed the cup against his lips once more, he didn't protest this time. He managed to down the water in one go, gulping ever last drop. Both Raiden and Lena seemed content, both smiling fondly. Raiden gives Lena a nod, looking at her with trust in his eyes. Lena seemed to understand it, and nodded back, to which Raiden retreated to join the other Eighty-six.
"Lena, I..." he started again, his throat feeling more refreshed. Lena waited patiently.
"Lena, I've been in the Eighty-six sector for years... and I've. Gotten used to the sights I see there, " the room was quiet, he could not even hear the Legion. It was unnerving, "so... to me... I don't really get excited. About them..."
He paused. Scrambling to find the words. What words work best to tell her.
Lena was silent, her eyes were concerned, and for a moment Shin doubted himself if it was really something worth telling her about. He was half hoping Lena would just, fill the silence for him. But one look from her showed that he has her full attention, that she was going to wait.
And somehow, that gave him enough courage to continue.
"You asked me... time and time again. What I wanted to do after the war..."
"...And for the longest time, I didn't have an answer." He shifts his gaze to the bedsheets draped upon him.
"I've never believed the war would end..." he clenched the fabric of the bedsheet between his fingers, "But despite. All logic. Telling me it'll never happen. I... I wish..."
"I want to..." He looks back up at Lena.
"I want to show you the sea."
Lena's eyes widened a fraction, her mouth agape. He could see the hints of pink creeping up her cheeks, and he knows he's embarrassing himself but he can't stop now.
"I want to show you... all the beauty that this world has to offer," his heart is racing, "I want you to love the world, even if I couldn't. Even if I refuse to."
"I want to watch you... achieve the world you wanted, even if it seems impossible..."
"Even if I can't see a world like that ever coming to reality, I want to... try."
"Seeing you... just... seeing you..." he recalls that night in the patrol tower, her gazing up the stars with genuine awe, "experience and-and see things." seeing her love life.
Before, life meant pain. Life meant that he will be left behind, he will end up alone. He will wander the tragic remains of a battlefield alone, so utterly alone.
But now, life still meant pain, but it means something precious. Life means watching Lena grow, and blossom, and love. He already had, he'd seen her grow tougher, stronger and wiser, yet it was the same Lena he'd known when she was still a faceless voice. So full of care, concern, and empathy for any living thing, and it pains him to see her so drastically different and distant from him.
Because they are not the same, they never will be. He'll never know her, the same way in which she'll never know him.
But for once, he loves life. In spite of everything telling them that they cannot be together, life means he can stand beside Lena, and he can help her achieve the dreams she wanted. Even if it meant a world of pain, it was worth it to see her happy.
"I want to fight for that..." and I want to live for that...I want to see it with my own eyes.
And for the longest time, his only reason for living was because people relied on him. People needed him. They needed him to carry their spirits to their final destination.
Lena, never needed him. She did fine on her own. She survived all on her own.
But one thing he realizes now, was that Lena wanted him. And it hurts, because... it felt so good to be wanted.
Watching as how she clawed her way towards him, despite everything in nature telling her to just leave him behind. She saved him.
"Just go and get help." He said to her then, when it felt like the world was crashing down and he would finally leave this earth in a bang.
She never left his side. She grabbed him with her gentle yet strong hands, and by sheer stubbornness, willed him to stay.
After all that talk about everyone leaving him behind, he was so close to doing that to Lena. And he hated himself for it.
He had feared then that he would never have the chance to tell her the words he told her now. But by some goddamn miracle, she willed it so he would be able to.
And by Jove, he felt so good to be wanted.
"I have no idea what comes after I show you the sea... no idea what you would want after that..."
"But even so..." because she wants him there, "I know, I want to be there."
Even if he feels he doesn't deserve it, to stand beside her, to be near her... she willed it so that he finally understands, it was alright to wish for this.
It was alright to want her back.
Silent... It was so silent.
He'd forgotten how silence felt, and it was peaceful, it was calm. A weight levitated from his chest, as he wills himself to look back up at Lena.
Shin flinched. Lena's entire figure shook, hiccuped, trembled. Her fists were at her side, clenched slightly. Her lips contorted to a pained scowl, her cheeks were beet red, as tears freely flowed from her eyes.
"Shin..." her voiced trembled so greatly, it felt as if the words caught in her throat and she was fighting hard to breathe.
"Shin, I..." she tries to force it out, but her shoulders shook violently.
"Shin-" she hiccuped, grimacing as it almost hurt to get the words out, "I... Shin..."
Shin sighed, his lips quirking up. He dared to hold her hand, and she took it without hesitation.
He guides her towards him, and she wordlessly followed. Her entire figure still hiccuping and gasping for breath; her tears dripping onto the bedsheet, that it made visible stains on it.
"Shin..." she was close enough that he was able to place a hand on the back of her head, guiding her to come closer.
And she did, unknowingly climbing onto the bed, with her leg draped over the mattress, her knee touching his hip. In his peripherals, Shin catches the slew of bandages wrapped around her thigh. But he shifts his focus back on Lena, who had already curled herself against his chest. Her arm had gripped onto his shirt, and she held just as tightly as she did when they were back in the battlefield.
He pulled her closer, and soon her entire body was in the bed with him. And all he could do was blanch at how easily this could've been taken away from him. How close he was to losing this, losing her.
Shin suddenly realizes how much he was incessantly shaking, which contrasted Lena's periodic gasps of breath. She's so warm, and he feels her weight against him.
She's real.
He had an arm draped around her back, while his other hand was wrapped around her fingers. He feels her moist tears touching his skin.
When he feels Lena's face shuffle against him, he's immediately overwhelmed by the rush of heat that rose to his cheeks. It took him a moment to process it.
Did she?
No... did she actually?
She held his hand, as she squeezed at his fingers. He swore he actually felt her plant her lips on his bruised knuckles, making a silent peck.
"The sea..." Lena started, her form still trying to stabilize her breathing, "I'd love to."
Her voice wobbled, but so full of resolve.
Both Shin and Lena had eventually fallen asleep practically cuddling together, their arms tightly wrapped around each other. To be honest, it made the other Eighty-six utterly disgusted at how domestic they acted. Still, none of them were willing to separate the two, because they knew they deserved it, even if it's just for the day.
Even as the Eighty-six exited the room right after Shin drank that water, they still no doubt eavesdropped on what they talked about. Well, they can't help it, the infirmary wasn't really a place for privacy. Even when seated at the couch outside the door, Shin and Lena's conversation was still quite audible.
Both Frederica and Kurena were obviously fuming, but neither really did anything to stop it. They both knew how hard Lena fought to bring Shin back, in addition to the physical and emotional strain Lena gave herself once they return to base.
Eventually, Lena had been pried away from Shin the next morning, since she needed to get her daily checkup. Theo had assisted her, while she limped her way back to her room. Raiden on the other hand, stayed back to inform Shin of what happened.
Apparently, he was ambushed by a herd of shepherds, the voices must've caused him to black out. Though he was alive, he had allegedly gotten stabbed at some point. Either by one of the Legion's legs or the shattered windshield from his reginleif. Whatever it may be, Shin had disconnected from the Para-RAID, assuming he had lost consciousness.
With Frederica not being knowledgable about the terrain, she couldn't really pinpoint where he was.
Lena utilized the Vanadis to scour the area in search of Shin after the mission was essentially over. But after an unsuspecting attack that led Lena to be separated from her vehicle, she wandered on foot. She had somehow found him, and treated his wound while they found shelter. Though because of her para-RAID device being damaged in combat, she wasn't able to report their location.
So essentially, the crew had 2 important personnel missing in action, with no way of trace them other than their vehicles' last known locations.
"It took days to find you idiots, Lena had to defend your ass against self-propelling mines." Raiden said, with an accusatory tone. Though Shin could tell there was no bite behind it, "Yeah, man, you guys hunkered down in an abandoned warehouse."
Shin could only close his eyes in frustration. Raiden doesn't even try to reassure him, because fuck him, he should be guilty.
"Y'know she would escape her room just to sit beside you?" Raiden continued, "she was supposed to be on bedrest. Now, I can't imagine sitting in a wooden chair all day is good for anyone."
Shin couldn't handle it, he retreats by shielding his eyes with his arm, clenching his jaw tight.
Raiden sighs, "this is why you don't do stupid things out of the blue, Shin." Shin had decided to break off against the group that time, and pursue alone. Which at the time, pissed off Lena and everyone in the Spearhead squadron.
"Yeah..." Shin replied, sighing, "I know..."
Raiden sighed once more with the demeanor of a tired parent. He hadn't really meant to make Shin guilty, but he couldn't really help but want to talk him down. Especially when he's done this too many times, sending everyone in a panic.
But he figures that was enough, there was no use beating a dead horse...
"Alright..." Raiden glanced back down at Shin, "just... don't worry too much, a'ight? You've seen how Lena is, she's still kicking."
Shin breathes out through his nose, slowly moving his hand back down to his side, "Yeah... I know..."
Honestly, Shin was sort of happy... seeing the rest of the Eighty-six care about Lena as much as he does. Obviously he knew that, but it was nice to acknowledge that each of them cared about Lena individually, and not because of Shin.
Raiden couldn't suppress the urge to smile.
So he has changed, huh?
Seeing Shin get all flustered over Lena, especially with that whole spiel about taking her to the sea, it made Raiden happy. Because someone finally broke him down, and gave him something to look forward to. He couldn't be prouder. It was nice seeing Shin expressing actual emotions and desires, making him somehow feel more human again. When all Raiden saw before was his cold, dead stare, having no real will to push forward, the stark contrast was awe-inspiring.
"A'ight, dude. I'll just check up on Frederica, kid's been nagging to see you all week."
"Oh, god. She wants to scold me doesn't she?"
"Hey, I can barely keep her from barging in your room, you're gonna have to suck it up and take it."
And so, the time came when she barged in and had a 15-minute long, wet and emotional lecture about how she'll "kill him if Shin does this ever again". Honestly Lena's tears might've stained the bedsheets but Frederica's soaked it to completion.
"Shinei—" she sobbed, burying her face onto his shoulder. She banged her fist against his chest lightly, frustrated and relieved at the same time.
"How many times do you have to do this to us?" her voice squeaked like a chew toy, cracking in places with emotion.
After a few more minutes with Shin trying to console the child, she finally calmed down to a point where she can breathe.
"You really like her, Shin?" she asked, rubbing at her eye.
Shin was taken aback by the question, eyes widening a fraction. He finds it difficult to say anything, but Frederica could see his cheeks blossom pink, and that was enough of an answer for her.
"Very well. She has my blessing."
"Blessing...?" Shin raised an eyebrow incredulously.
"Yeah, blessing! Ain't no way am I just letting any girl take you away!" Frederica huffed, crossing her arms exaggeratedly. She shifts her gaze to the side, refusing to look at Shin.
The older boy scoffed, a smile creeping towards his lips, "Thank you, Frederica."
Author's end note:
I've become obsessed with 86 and Shinei's character arc when I was quarantined at home. It became somewhat of a comfort series for me.
I mostly just wanted to see Shinei's arc be highlighted in the fic, allowing him to just give himself permission to enjoy things. I just want the baby to be happy and have good things MDNDKMD