The last night you had seen Furlan was one of the utterly terrible days.

You clung desperately to maintain your notion of normal life; that even if your boss was irrationally berating your coworker, you did nothing but stare down at the ground with trembling lips.

"Taking a damn leave just to attend those hearings. Bet those stinky bastards saw that coming in the first place," the old man—reeking of beer that night—spat at Petra who was on the verge of tears, "Y'know what I had learned for years I've been owning lands in the rural? It's not your fault if you're born poor, but it is if you die being one! The farmers are poor not because of land scarcity, it's because they're lazy! It's that simple and you—" he pointed at her temple and continued, "you damn scholars, instead of wasting the taxpayers' money, should just understand that much!"

"My father is one of those poor farmers being featured in those hearings, Sir. He was killed by private goons for speaking up against violent displacement during that time. He's the most hardworking person I've known!" she cried, "The royal family speaks of Eldia's prosperity whenever they seize lands, but what is there to prosper if the citizens are left with nothing?"

"Because it really is for Eldia's prosperity! It's only a matter of time until the royal family grasp the power of the tree, one that'd bring us the ability to conquer this world's abundances! I wonder if your father really was the victim here. I bet he was armed during the confrontation. What if you go back to that rotten province to think about it, huh? How 'bout I get you back where you came from, huh?"

"I think it'd really be better if he was armed! So he wouldn't die like that! I think it's more understandable now why more farmers chose to take up arms after that!"

"Then go!" the old man banged the counter. Both of you flinched. "I'm not keeping a damned rebel nor their apologists here. Say that on my property again and I'll have you dead by the military police."

You're not sure if she must be considered lucky that the cafe just closed. If it was open, then Petra's shame would be glaring. But at the same time, there'll be no chance for someone to butt in and stop the commotion.

Because you couldn't do it yourself. Not even when you're close to her.

Petra stomped out of the scene without a word. The old man sneered as if he won. You were still frozen and trembling all throughout.

Why are you so desperate for normalcy anyways?

It wasn't just because of your far-from-normal upbringing. It wasn't because you weren't granted a normal family, a normal childhood, normal preschool parties, and elementary field trips—no, not at all. You're over that phase.

You were seeking normalcy because recently, something terribly unusual was stirring inside your mind. There were voices—ones that you understand very well even if it speaks a language you don't know, ones that put scenarios that didn't happen to break your mind, ones that were asking you to kill Erwin. It's conquering your sanity. It puts you over the sharpest of edges and triggers your utter fear. The fear of yourself hanging at the end of the cliff, the fear of the tranquility inside you breaking. These were obviously far from normal, hence you clung futilely for things that you perceive as such.

You ran to the locker room. The least that you could do is apologize.

"Come on, don't think of it too much. I know it'll be hard to stand up when he holds the money we spend to live." said Petra. You stood silent with worried eyes but not long after, you started crying. "Oh no," your friend gasped in pity, "Did he do something to you as well? Don't tell me—"

"No, I'm just so terrible standing like that when I know I can—" no, you actually can't. "—can—" you tried again but you just can't utter something you don't mean at all—at least not to this pure-hearted girl.

She smiled and rubbed circular motions at your back, "That's enough for me, then. You know, apparently I can't—" then finally crumbled as her face crunched with tears as well, "can't cry all by myself."

Both of you spent another hour in the locker, weeping for things you couldn't do but should've done.

The boss left without a word afterward, leaving both of you to clean up and lock the cafe. Browsing through your phone while sitting on the outdoor chair, a text arrived: I'm on my way. Have you eaten already?

You totally forgot you were going to see Erwin. It's been a year, after all, and you have lots of stories to tell him. But the excitement was replaced with dread when you realized you don't have an appetite to eat and there's no point in lying because he's too sharp to miss such. You pondered if it'd be better to cancel but then he was already on the way. You reached for your mirror and attempted to conceal your swollen eyes until a hand landed on top of your head. He raised it up so he'd see your face.

Erwin didn't seem pleased with what he was seeing as well. He stayed still in his position: hand on your head, his bag on the chair, his face searching for more to point out.

"Why?" he asked gently. He doesn't even need to elaborate. You had to tell him what made your face like this, or perhaps who—which could be a little dicey if he'd get to know.

You've got nothing to say, really, so you just stood up and engulfed him with a hug, one he reciprocated in quite a surprised manner, "You lost weight, Erwin. Perhaps I must be the one to ask why."

He let out a strained chuckle and when he realized you weren't going to tell him whatever happened, he just said, "You should've just stayed with us. You don't have to overexert yourself by living alone and shifting from job to job. Seems like you're not having quite a good time, too."

"I told you, I want to experience the thrill of a responsible-college-girl-juggling-jobs-to-live trope. Just like in the movies." you joked with a grin.

He knew you were lying.

Luckily, the one who called for you from behind paused the impending heavy talk. "The great Isabel is summoning you as she apparently cooked something good. Are you coming?" Levi shot Erwin a short look, silently asking you if he should just go without a word or not.

"Sorry, I forgot. Here," you gestured Erwin to him, "this is my childhood friend, Erwin." and you pointed at Levi, "Erwin, this is the person who owns the dorm I've been renting, Levi."

"We know each other." Erwin mused, "Glad to see you're fine, Levi."

"Yeah, same goes for you." the shorter man nodded.

"Then why didn't you tell…" you trailed.

"Erwin said—"

"You didn't ask," he cut Levi off as he turned to you, "and I think we have more important things to talk about." then emphasized his tone on your sullen face.

Seems like Levi wasn't alone, though. Furlan waved as he walked towards you with Isabel clutching his arm.

"The hell you made me go out for, then?" Levi scoffed at Isabel.

"Oh, these people are my—" you paused and squinted your eyes teasingly at Erwin, "perhaps you know them as well, hm?"

He let out a sneer, "Well, if you introduce me to them."

"Great," you said and proceeded to do so. Isabel was your first friend in college. Furlan was someone she introduced to you just recently. He asked you out for a date. You tried to consider since that's what a normal woman your age would do, or so you thought.

It seems like Erwin remembered something that made his demeanor change quite a bit, "Are you the one related to the newly-appointed Commander of the Military Police?"

"Oh, Kenny," the meek man sheepishly nodded. "He took me in when I was young and I've been regarded as his second-liner ever since." then reached for a handshake, "I'm Furlan Church, a criminology student." then turned to you, "I've been friends with her for some time now."

"Friends," Isabel quoted with a scoff. Furlan nudged her hard, suddenly flustered.

Erwin glanced at you then—searching for confirmation—and you shook your head smiling. You were still considering, after all.

Erwin heaved a sigh, one akin to relief.

Why?

"Oh sorry, apparently Furlan doesn't want people to know that he's head over heels for my dear friend." the redhead glinted devilishly as she slapped Furlan's back, "Don't you worry, she said they're just friends."

Luckily for Furlan, Petra finally went out with the keys to cut the topic off. "Oh, hey. Why are you all gathered here at night?"

"By the way, Petra. This is Erwin, my childhood—" you paused as you noticed her reaction. Her eyes stood so wide and her hand was on her mouth, "don't tell me you know each other as well?"

"Oh, no!" Petra chuckled nervously, "It's just that I-I'm a big fan of him." then reached for Erwin's hand as she introduced herself as well.

"Fan? I don't remember him being famous."

"Uh, back in my province, h-he went there during an outreach so—yeah." she looked down and it wasn't that hard to deduce she might be holding Erwin with affection.

The possibility sunk you, though.

Why?

Was it jealousy? There were times you could see him as someone potentially interesting to have as a partner, but your mind never saw the need to act upon it, at least not now.

"or was it a threat, perhaps, because your pure-hearted friend got associated with such a perilous man?"

Wait, what?

Your guts churned and your hands went cold. There it goes again.

"What do you mean by 'wait, what?'" Petra pressed with a playful glare.

"All of us might as well eat dinner together rather than stay out in this cold," Levi snuck on his sweater with slight shivers.

"I think I'll go first, though." said Petra, but now she's in a sullen mood again, "I don't have an appetite." then raised the hoodie on her head, "Have a good night, guys."

However, even before she could turn her back, you called her name, "Wait, Petra—"

"you're still feeling guilty, aren't you?"

The foreign voice cut you off; you gulped it down in hopes of shutting it into silence, "I don't have an appetite as well, but—" then held Petra's hand, "a good cry must be followed with a pleased tummy, don't you think?"

The rest of the circle stayed silent, waiting for her confirmation. She had to fight back the tears again before answering, "Yeah, I think so." then she held onto your hand tight.

"see, little flower, we all have our evils inside. don't you worry, you're one of the few who's well-versed in hiding it.

and you could still have your redemption.

bring your pure friend away from that devil.

kill him."

He's not a devil. He never was.

"Devil? Who?" Petra curled her eyebrows.

You didn't notice saying that out loud again. With a now darkened face, you shook your head and massaged your temples.

Of course, Erwin noticed that. He always does.

Indeed, perhaps both of you have more important things to talk about.

After dinner, you sat outside for air; waiting for Erwin to finish his talk with Levi so you could accompany him to the waiting shed.

Kill him. Kill him. Kill him. Kill him.

Hands on your head, eyes on the ground, and when you realized that you've been saying it out loud instead, you covered your mouth with a gasp, "God, shut up. Please, shut up."

Just as usual, the only time you snapped out of it was when the blonde crouched down to your level and held onto your head again, his habit to calm you down.

"I knew something's up with how terrible you look when I saw you," he remarked. "What's the matter?"

The voices stopped.

You heaved a heavy sigh then stood up. He followed suit when you started walking.

Fortunately for you, the breeze was solemn. The crickets chirping and the old lampshades flicking at the empty pavements distracted you. You don't have any reason to strain your composure. It's Erwin.

"How are they?" you pertained to Carly and the others.

"Demanding me to grab you back home,"

"Tell Carly to quit calling me a flower anymore and I might reconsider." you joked but even before he could tease you with that, you glared. "Don't you even dare, Erwin Smith."

"We were all accustomed to it. Since when did you even garner distaste for that?"

Partly because that's what the voice calls me since it came.

"When I realized I'm a grown up woman already?"

"And it still suits you, apparently."

"I am cutting all of you in my life."

"Oh why, when you earned it?" he taunted, "You always run around the neighborhood plucking every flower you see, then send them as a gift to every household you come across—all of it on a daily basis."

"I was young back then! I thought it was cute! Now I shudder at the thought of it!"

"It is cute."

You were shut into silence then. The nostalgia might've been too sweet that you got suddenly flustered by the teasing praise.

But you're glad that moment was really real and not something probably subjected to you by the voices.

After the silence lightened you up, Erwin asked, "Are you happy?"

If not for the voices, you would be.

You nod at him with a smile, "Isabel is such a rowdy girl. And recently, Levi isn't accepting the rent I pay for him anymore. I wonder why."

"He said you always lurk around his house with Isabel and end up cleaning her mess along with the whole house. That's the least that he could do."

You sneered, "And yeah, Furlan is someone introduced to me by Isabel. He's such a good man, though he seems to be quite on the edge recently. Maybe because Kenny was just elected as the Military Police commander and that's quite a pressure as his second-liner."

"Do you like him?"

"I think I just like the fact that I feel normal whenever I'm with them. Normal college life, college friends, a fellow college holding me in high regard, that kind of stuff. Though I don't want to mistake such feelings in a romantic sense."

He hummed in acknowledgment, "Have you met Kenny, the one who took him in?"

"No, not yet, but I'm about to. Furlan said Kenny would like to know me personally." You felt Erwin tense up though so you asked, "Why?"

He loosened up immediately, "Well, it sounds like a father wanting to see his son's girlfriend."

"But Isabel had it too when they're in highschool."

"When are you supposed to meet?"

"Furlan just asked me about it. I said I'll consider but he told me it'll just be a short one."

"When?"

"Maybe he'll have us meet tomorrow after my class." When you shoot Erwin a look, it's quite an unreadable one. You weren't sure if it's reluctance or... grim? "Why?"

Instead of answering, he changed the topic smoothly. "So, if you're really in a happy place right now then what's happening with you earlier?"

"I'm having bad dreams lately. Maybe that's why I look terrible."

"There you go." he hummed, satisfied that you finally dropped it. "Tell me more about it."

"I thought the only thing I would struggle to remember was the fire decades ago, but now I'm having a hard time recalling events after that, too." you trailed slowly, "I'm glad you came here and brought about the flowers up. I was actually confused if it really happened."

"Expound your confusion while I'm here, then, or else I'll be forced to bring you back to Carly tonight."

"The time Carly and I left Mitras, it's because I saw the headline newspaper back in your house and lashed it out on you for reasons unknown, right?"

"That's right. It really happened."

"Then you came to us three years later since Carly told you I'm in a relatively better condition again. I was angry because nobody told me, but that's it. We got along again after that." You asked for confirmation again and he hummed in concurrence. "Then, when Carly was rushed to the hospital because some reckless driver hit her, you asked me to meet you at the convenience store and—" it took you a while to continue—eyes on the road instead of him, hands clasped tight in hopes to ease the worry.

"I knew it," he stood in front of you and stopped walking, "You were lying when you said what happened at the abandoned lot doesn't affect you anymore."

What even happened there?

"N-no, it doesn't."

"You lied about not being affected by it, so that those two kids who played around with fire wouldn't be sanctioned badly. Their recklessness almost got the three of you killed and now, look what's happening to you."

"Is that what really happened?" you shot him a begging look.

He widened his eyes, "Do you not remember it already?"

That question was your breaking point.

"See? Now I'm losing grasp on what happened there, too, even if it's just a couple years ago!" you released a heavy sigh to keep your emotions down, "What if the next day I wouldn't be able to remember who you are? Who I am? Heck, who am I, really? Besides being the headline news decades ago, who am I?" It's needless to say that Erwin's a bit too surprised with your revelation too. "Something bad is going on with my mind, Erwin. Something's conquering my brain. It'll break me soon. I'll snap and go crazy. I just know it will!"

He wrapped his coat around you and held onto your shoulders, "When did this get worse?"

"When I started living alone," and god you regret saying that.

"I'm taking you home with me tonight." he sternly remarked.

You certainly do not trust yourself being left alone with him. Not when there are voices lurking around, asking you to harm his life.

"No, I can manage."

"Cancel your plans for tomorrow. We need to go back to your previous counselor immediately."

"I'm going home now. The waiting shed is just at the corner of the road." then tried to turn your back.

He held your hand to stop you, though. You tried to get it back but you know better than thinking he'd settle with such a vague assurance. "Seriously, I can manage. I've been keeping myself busy lately so I won't think about it too much. "Petra needs someone at work as well. She's being bullied by our boss."

"You'll be with Petra tomorrow?"

"I'm on the morning shift. She gets the afternoon." you nodded resolutely, "Then after my shift, maybe I'll go with Furlan to keep myself busier."

He wasn't convinced, not at all. "What I'm seeing right now is you tiring yourself to death just so you'd escape what's happening in your mind."

"You don't need to get me out of this just like you did from those fires. We're not on those days anymore. I can protect myself from this."

No, you have to protect him from you.

"I didn't say that. I'm having you seek help for something you can't control."

"It'll be more uncontrollable if I'm with you!"

Oh.

"Is that so? Why?"

You shot him a horrified look as he waited for your answer. With the look on his face, he's most definitely not convinced to leave you alone.

"The waiting shed is just at the corner of the road. I'll be busy tomorrow. I'll just call you again the day after." and without another word, you ran away to get back home.

The morning after, you saw Petra at the cafe. She had something urgent to do in the afternoon hence she asked to exchange shifts with you. She looked troubled, to say the least, and there was no reason to deny her.

You called Furlan then, told him that you won't be able to meet him today.

He said it's okay. There'll always be next time.

Were you supposed to regret that? What if you came to him that day? Would he be fine, then?

It was night when he was reported missing. His body was found when another morning came. You were just about to open the cafe when you received the news.

While you were shaking badly in the locker room, Erwin called, "Didn't you tell me you're supposed to meet Furlan yesterday? What happened?"

"Petra exchanged shifts with me so it didn't push through."

"Where are you?"

"Opening the cafe."

"Are you alone?"

"Yes. I'm still cleaning."

"Lock the cafe from the outside for now. Don't let anyone enter until Petra or I arrive."

"What? We're supposed to open in an hour. The boss will kill me if I—"

"I'd like to see that bastard try," he spat, lacking patience. "Just do as I say. I'll explain later on."

"The least that you could do is tell me why."

"You might be in danger. Whoever killed Furlan was probably supposed to get you too. They might be even after you as we speak. Now stay still and wait for us."

You almost dropped the phone then.

Your life finally crumbled to you again. Conquered by another doomsday. Just like before, every attempt you make things stay this way always precede more unfortunate events.

"Who are they?" you gulped.

He didn't answer. You repeated the question. He still didn't budge, instead he just reminded, "Don't hang up the phone. I'm almost there."

"Are they the ones who caused the fires too?"

He didn't answer.

"Am I," you gulped, "going to die again?"

"You didn't die. You never will. Not on my watch."

Now, your panic subsided into dread. You muttered weakly then, "Back then, you told me that the precipice wouldn't crumble and things would stay this way. It really did crumble now, though. Even if we tried our best."

"Do you still trust me nonetheless?" You trust him more than you trust yourself. You don't even trust yourself at all. He called your name, pressing but gentle, "Answer me."

"Yes."

"That's all I need for now, then."

And thus now, the task of recollecting the fragments of your identity got more urgent. Since the precipice crumbled, you have to remember how to land to another one.

The voices stopped, perhaps it was aware that you'd shatter for good if it dare speak at a time like this.

"Since you saw the newspaper back then, how much were you able to remember?" Erwin was now sitting in front of you as a customer. Petra took your shift just easily.

"I remember the trivial things such as what our house looked like, how their bodies—except the faces—were shaped. I remember their name and I tried searching them up one step at a time. But then I always end up distressed along the way so I never really finished it. According to what I've got, my mother was a government clerk while my father worked alongside the military—wait," you almost gasped at the realization, "is that why Furlan was…?"

"Kenny and your father were notorious partners, both well-known henchmen of the Reiss. They handled even their dirtiest orders. Before your father died, both of them were working on a confidential operation which would allegedly bring Edlia into prosperity. If Furlan was tracked at the university and killed, they're more likely looking for you, too."

"More likely…?" you squint your eyes at him.

"Indeed, I'm just gambling around the possibilities."

"How would we be able to confirm it?"

"I set a trap," he sipped on his coffee. For some reason, he seemed too composed for this, "but for that to happen, you must—"

"How were you able to know that much?"

He looked sullen at the question, perhaps it was never easy for him too. "I investigated what really happened that day, at least when I got the ability and brains to do so. With such a sketchy background, I just know that they'll come for you soon one way or another. It's needless to say that I saw this coming. Apologies for not telling you earlier."

There you felt as if a cold bucket of water was thrown all over you.

All this time, while you were so desperate to seek normalcy and things that were deprived of you, Erwin's out there working hard—just so he'd be able to anticipate the day they'll come for you again.

"And I do hope you'd cease blaming yourself for things I didn't tell you." as if he heard your thoughts, he called your name sternly. "You did what you could to survive. I certainly didn't do this to have you blame yourself. Focus on the present right now."

"I know," and so you did. It took you a while to compose yourself.

Erwin had done his part. Now you need to know how to protect yourself from hereon. Avenge Furlan and confront those who might be after you as well.

When you shoot him a look again, it's now a resolute one. You almost saw him smile.

"What's that trap, then?"

Petra slid a paper on your table and whispered, "Route fixed. Underground. Stohess. 2 units standby." She was holding another order at the same time, as if to conceal the conversation.

"Good job," this time, Erwin's all set. His coffee is now empty, too. "Publish a release an hour from now; the guerillas now have Anna in their hands."

Anna?

You shot Petra a look of confusion but she wasn't looking at you in any way. She looks grim, as if on huge alert.

You never saw her like this.

"What was that?" you urged when she finally walked away.

He stood up and reached for your hand, "Do you trust me?"

"I just said I do."

"Well then," he reached for your hand and held it tight. "That's all you need to do for now."