"This is your last moment to take it back," You muttered as you try holding back the tremble in your voice. Your heart was beating really fast. Fear drenched your body like mud. You haven't even reached the Scout barracks yet.
"No, it's your last moment to take it back. I never asked you to go with me in the first place." The little brat bantered. Admittedly, even though you know better than making a scene in a place you've never been, you're on the precipice of knocking him down.
"You're walking to your grave and you expect me to just brush it off and stay there? Instead of saying you'll transfer here you should've just told me you've gone suicidal."
The place finally welcomed your presence as a bunch of Corpsmen waited at the entrance. You heaved a sigh again in hopes to stop the anxiety from taking over your rationality for good. Aside from it was the regret that you didn't knock your brother unconscious the time he blurted out the want to transfer from the Military Police Brigade to the Scout Regiment. He was never this adventurous and impulsive. He knew that the Scout Regiment always reek of death. Both of you knew that those who choose this path always had scary eyes; desperate to have their questions answered, encompassing the desire for freedom outside these walls. You just know you don't have those eyes, so who made your brother like this so fast?
"Welcome to The Scout Regiment, soldiers." A tall blonde-haired officer remarked with three soldiers standing behind him. Seven transferees faced before him, with you being the only girl and the most clueless one. "All of you know well that this path isn't going to be an easy one and you have every privilege to stay as the elite Military Police soldiers that you are. You'll witness your dearest comrades killed by monsters that are keeping us from these walls and you might need to give up your humanity along the way to stay in line with our goal. Still, you chose to embark on that path for humanity's freedom. To have that resolve is genuinely admirable of you. Rest assured that your heroism will always be acknowledged in the Survey Corps." He added with conviction, his blue eyes sparkled as bright as they could be.
You thought his utter eloquence might just be brought by the fact that soldiers who transfer to Survey Corps are rare, let alone from the Military Police. And for some reason, it unnerved you. You know a bluff when you see one. That's why when your brother's face brightened further by his words, you grimaced at the sight. He looked moved and excited, something you see rarely from him due to his usual cold and composed demeanor.
"Of course, Squad Leader Erwin. It's you who brought us here after all. Had you not shared a bond with us, we would continue being MPs for the rest of our lives." He beamed. The other five transferees nodded in agreement.
Oh, so it's him who made my brother like that.
And apparently, it's not just him but rather all the soldiers beside you. You weren't aware they all shared the same reason, not even the slightest.
"I see you managed to gather another soldier with you," The squad leader remarked as he turned his attention to you with a flat yet cordial smile. "Would you mind introducing yourself?"
You dropped your name, tugged your brother's hair, then ruffled it lightly. "I'm her sister and only family. I don't exactly know why he joined here and it's not like I can leave him alone. I know how dangerous it is to be a Scout." To say you're annoyed is an understatement. You feel like the security of life you had struggled to keep for the both of you crumbled just like that. Your brother shot an obvious glare in return as he swatted your hand away. Of course, he would be annoyed. You're making him look like a child that still needs supervision after all.
Erwin released a small deep chuckle in return. "I understand. It's hard to leave someone so important especially if they're desiring something really dangerous. But then again, we have lost so many lives here. I think it's more perilous to go here without any reason than to protect a single life that may be bound to death."
"I apologize, but I really don't have any other reason than the sheer curiosity of what made my brother change his long-term perspective this instant, leaving the comfortable life we both worked hard for each other. I think you're amazing enough to break it. Could you give me an idea of other reasons to embody perhaps?" You replied, this time with an attempt to hide the sarcasm. Perhaps that'd slightly alleviate your brother's seething glare.
"The thing that we should drop here first and foremost is the extreme attachment to other people's lives. I hope you realize that as you stay here, or you can just go back. It's not too late after all." He answered in slight provocation.
You flashed a small smile to ease the irk away. "Easier said than done especially when one has so much regard for human life. I don't think it's worth wasting on something too dangerous but unsure. But now that I'm here, I hope we can get along, Squad Leader Erwin."
Your brother's annoying glare didn't even falter until the conversation was finished but he quickly came back beaming at Erwin afterward. That was enough to replace your annoyance with utter fear. Your one and only family gleamed so brightly at the imminent threat of death. You felt shivers down your spine. You just know that this will not end well.
Erwin informed all of you that the training will immediately start tomorrow morning and should just spend the rest of the day unpacking your stuff. He then introduced the three soldiers, two male and one female, who will be overseeing all of you until you get accustomed to the place. Three transferees– you, your brother, and the other one respectively, will be joining Squad Erwin. The other four will join another squad.
Just as you thought, the training felt ten times harder than the Military Police. Aside from the fact that you rarely train in that regiment, this one mainly handles attacking giants from afar instead of close combat with humans. It didn't help that Erwin seemed to be the strictest out of all squad leaders. He's quick to point out mistakes and has extremely high standards concerning defense. For someone who doesn't share even the slightest interest with everyone, it is surely exhausting. Your brother was the complete opposite, though. It's as if all the pent-up motivation he had his whole life was finally unleashed. He particularly enjoyed swinging into the air and maneuvering the gear. The sight made you remember your days as cadets where he got the highest score in ODM Gear.
Despite the greatest efforts to hide the utter disinterest and insecurity you've garnered from witnessing a whole new character from your only family, Erwin was able to read through you and really made sure you'd suffer more if this behavior wouldn't change. There were days when he made you run laps around the barracks because of your slipped stubbornness. Nonetheless, you cannot deny how persistent he was with getting you to work. Every after his iron-first training, he would tell everyone about the qualities they've improved so far and how they could make it stronger. His persistence managed to work on you after a few months and when excellence finally translated into your progress, he started talking to you casually.
"You're surprisingly better today," He remarked as you walked down together toward the mess hall for dinner. "It seems like you're finally taking the training seriously. So much for your incompetence."
"Well, I won't lie and say it's because I finally realized the cause. My brother doesn't go to me anymore, even just to train on things you told him to improve." You're not the one to lie when it doesn't have any bearing so you didn't have a hard time blurting out the obvious insecurity.
Erwin chuckled. "Not everyone can admit to that. At this rate, you might be capable of really protecting your brother somehow. That's quite excellent of you." You momentarily doubted if you heard the right thing. Despite Erwin's smooth remarks on points of improvement, his praises are really hard to get. Apart from that, however, you know this talk from him. Perhaps he's just trying to garner your full favor and acquiescence.
"I would still follow the routine without the need of praises, you know."
"Well, you can say my motives include making you obey me but I wouldn't say something so far-fetched just to gain it from everyone. You've been hearing nothing but beration for the past few months. Let's just say your squad leader's trying to make up for it." This is one of the subtle moments where you realize how both of you could grasp each other's intentions easily. He's honest enough to admit that you're correct with your assumptions about him and he knows he's right with his whenever you get silent.
"What makes you say that then? What qualities do I have that would guarantee protection for my brother?"
"Objectively speaking, you're stronger than your brother. You have fast reflexes due to your mastery in combat. You are also adept at maneuvering your gear without compromising your quickness. Your swiftness will certainly help you maximize your gas and ensure the welfare of at least two Scouts during a normal titan encounter, at least based on my calculations. Regardless, if you still failed in putting your heart into it I doubt you'd be able to do it properly in an actual expedition."
You just nodded in amusement. His observations are way too specific for someone who leads ten people or so. "Now I must say all your efforts to pique people's interest by silly flattery really works."
"I don't think I have enough time to fool around, but if you really lack for a better word then I might as well take that." He replied and so you released a small laugh in return. This is by far the most civil exchange of words you had because the usual ones involve Erwin reprimanding you for your shortcomings during training, as well as your pettiness for every bit of pride shattered.
"Thanks, I guess. My brother likes you a lot so I really hope he's in good hands." You concluded the conversation as you went through the dinner on that tiring but comforting day.
As time passes by, you're slightly coming to terms with the path you and your brother will be taking from hereon. However, it felt like time went so fast and you're suddenly on the seventh month and the impending expedition's a few nights away. Your anxiety peaked at its highest. Countless vomiting and chills reverberated your body in the most tormenting ways. It deprived you of your rationality so you kept on bugging your brother who has been avoiding you for a while now. It came to a point where you had to drag him out of the mess hall and punch his arm as soon as you reached outside.
"The whole day I am coming to you to talk and you did nothing but turn your back at me. You've been doing this for a while and it's really irking me now. What the hell is wrong with you?" You fumed. However, your brother was unfazed. You brush your hands through your head in frustration. "You know what I'm about to say,"
"Yes, and I would like you to stop pressing me about it." He replied dully.
You know well how dead set he is on this journey, but despite attempts to keep up on the same resolve and respect his decision, you just can't accept the fact that his safety is now out of your control. Just the thought of him dying violently scares you to no end. You had never panicked like this all your life, never faltered with immense trepidation, and you don't like how dreadful you're lashing out with the whole ordeal.
"You must realize now that no matter what you do, you'll never be able to hold me down with false security. You're getting so frustrated, don't you? You're all about taking control so things will go your way." He said, gently but with finality. You looked at him in quite a surprise. This is not the talk you intended to have. "When our parents left, you were never even bothered to the slightest bit and still managed to fake cry with the elite just to get us food. During our days in Military Police, you didn't even flinch with the higher-ups as well as the criminals harassing you for the sake of getting what you want and your mission. Not even a cry I heard from you. You were so in control that now I'm trying to grasp away from you you're losing it." It's as if he threw an ice bucket of water on you that your breath halted.
"And? Where do you want this conversation to go?" You shot him a confused glare all the while gathering composure to not cry.
"You've done everything up to now just to get things back under your control, including me. Now I want you to stop treating me like a child and let me go, even to my death if the situation warrants it. Can you do that for me?"
"I certainly would if I can!" You snapped. Indeed, what he had said was true. You grew up so desperate for control, and you're very much aware of how you'd do anything if you ever felt a single thing slip out of your hand. But what's hurting you the most is the fact that he never confronted you about this until now. You never thought this would be frustrating for him in any way. His forbearance made you blind to that possibility.
To counter your building-up lash outs, he came up to you and hugged you tightly. That was the last straw. You finally faltered and choked on my tears. "Can you just please don't go? Please, just, please don't go."
"You've done enough. You can let me go now." He replied. The churn in your stomach peaked at its highest and it made you more dizzy and irrational. "I really wanted to make it out alive with you. I am desperate to know what's beyond these walls. It's a dream I always had but never took because I always thought of you. Please let me do it now and trust my desire to survive and witness the end of this."
"How can I even do that? The reason I'm alive is that you're alive. I swear I wouldn't stop you from doing anything you want, just not this. Just don't do something that would potentially end you for good." You cried. He couldn't speak even the slightest words of comfort and white lies. You both knew not even your wailing could change his mind.
With the futility of it, you just pushed yourself out of the hug, wiped the tears away, then walked back into the hall without words. There, you came across Erwin who was just watching the commotion between the two of you unfold.
"Rest for now. You have to be strong for tomorrow if you want to be there for your brother." He remarked.
You're not on the footing to blame Erwin anymore because you want to come to terms with your brother's life choices, something you deprived of him based on the conversation. However, you weren't able to help yourself but flash the man with a mocking huff. Fortunately, you were able to stop yourself from fully lashing out.
Everyone assembled first thing in the morning. The sun's barely up and you feel like dying. You saw your brother walk along with his horse and when your eyes met, he gave you a solemn smile. Not even a single word was let out from you. You feel nauseous and if you dare speak even for a bit, you'd be throwing up your sanity along the way.
Under Shadis' command you have no other task but to survey beyond the castle ruins where undiscovered lands stood. You heard from someone that Erwin suggested a formation that'd warrant your goal of getting beyond with decreased casualties, something that's called Long-Distance Enemy Scouting Formation. It aims to avoid titans by spreading out and giving signals through flare guns. The idea was good but the commander dismissed it quickly for no apparent reason. That's why almost everyone here is tensed up. A strategy that could potentially save the lives of everyone is rejected. Now each of you must face another expedition knowing that the majority would just die under a repeated strategy that's been bound to fail every single time.
Erwin's the last one to assemble in your squad and as expected, it was his dead grim demeanor that greeted everyone. He glanced at you, then your brother, then the whole squad to bid final reminders. "Our duty for today's expedition is to go beyond the lands we've already discovered. Now, everyone must be reminded of the reality that we won't be able to do it without sacrificing the lives of our comrades, so when it happens, just focus on saving as many lives as you can, including yourselves. Lament over everything once we're back in the safe zone." Despite the reeking fear, hearing him speak slightly alleviated the tension in your squadmates' muscles. You responded with your usual "Yes, Sir." in return. No one can hide the disappointment from the rejected proposal, not even Erwin Smith himself.
Upon going past the gates, you knew what was about to come and you've been trying to prepare yourself for the worst-case scenario. It felt like so much time had passed since everyone started running until the squad beside yours signaled that the central command was meters away from the ruins. Looking at your brother's thrilled face finally made you realize something; securing a harmless life was never about his sake. It was for your own comfort instead so he wouldn't slip away from you the way other figures in your life did. You just hoped you realized it earlier when lives aren't walking towards death yet.
Your formation was a simple diamond; Erwin in the uppermost part, your brother on his back left side, and you in the lowermost part. But the intricacies of it were shortly forgotten the time you felt the ground shake. It wasn't long until a nearby squad signaled an 8-meter class coming towards the upper left, exactly where your brother is. You were beyond terrified to turn your head but when you finally did, every inch of your body spiked with adrenaline. If ever it caught up, your brother's the first one to confront it
"Prioritize running straight ahead so we won't clash with it. Assuming it's a normal one, it would go and eat the people that'd bump on it along the way. The squad at the back will serve as a decoy then and we'll be the ones attacking it from the side." Erwin commanded. He then called out your name. "You are the one who would go for its neck even before it starts to go for the decoy squad. You're the nearest and the quickest one here, let the others assist you."
"Yes, sir!" You shouted back.
"Now if it's an abnormal class, we should just run quickly to its side or its back. The two nearest to the neck would be the ones to go for the kill, the rest would assist in cutting the legs and arms to immobilize it for a short time."
As you went faster to catch up, the titan suddenly moved to its left. That's when you realized it's an abnormal class, and it would corner everyone who would go straight ahead. Left with no choice but to confront it, you quickly moved sidewards to aim at its back. However, it swiftly moved again and faced Erwin directly. The scenario slowed down and you didn't even realize that your brother screamed Erwin's name before he flew right to the titan's chest to distract it from eating him.
You screamed in horror. Despite your brother's attempt to fight back and slash every piece of the titan trying to trap him, he got quickly caught by its hand as if he was just an annoying fly randomly grabbed. Erwin quickly fled to its back but given its height, he wouldn't be able to reach it quickly. And so the doom commenced. The titan cracked his body without any hit of remorse and as if there could be something to get with his tattered body, you confronted the titan by its front to ruin its face as it chewed your brother up. Erwin called out your name to stop and back off but by the time he reached the neck, you had already crushed its face into pieces. He badly berated you afterward for acting so rash and wasting too much gas but you were too dumbed to care about it.
You're late. You couldn't protect him. Everything's futile and he indeed ended up dying with a barely caught dream.
Your squad decreased to half while the decoy got completely wiped out. The mission was yet again more losses and fewer gains. It was late afternoon when everyone reached back the walls and you ended up in the horse-drawn cart due to tons of injuries and empty gas. Lying beside you was a pile of dismembered bodies that you managed to retrieve back home. The odor's horrendous and you swiftly felt your consciousness slip away with the air.
The next time you open your eyes you're in your room. Not the one in the barracks but your modern one. Your body reeked of cold sweat, your face drenched in tears, your headache rang intensely, and all your injuries felt immensely real. It took you a couple of minutes to realize that you're not in any way injured and that was nothing but an utterly lucid dream. You released a shaky exhale in realization.
This is the first time it got this bad.
Indeed, the nightmares were lucid except for the faces and the inconsequence makes things harder to comprehend. But now you were able to feel every single physical and mental pain you've harbored along the process. You could know by heart all the events, even the subtlest details of them. You then questioned yourself if this will be a start of a new routine and that you'd rather die than persist in such a disposition instead. You attempted to get up and quench your thirst out of all the tears and sweat you let out until you heard your mother crying just outside the room. You rested an ear on the surface of the door to catch up on it.
"I've been trying every single time, you know? Getting along with my own child, but I— still I—" She wailed. "What she had said before her brother died has been ringing in my ears every single time I go to sleep." She struggled to mutter under endless hiccups.
"And you have to ground yourself that it's been two decades since. She was so young back then— barely three years old, not even capable of thinking or remembering something like that. Just how could a helpless child cause the death of your son?" Kuchel, your mother's close friend, remarked.
Dread ran cold in your body yet again. Your childhood was all about you trying to figure out why your mother barely acknowledged you, even more so staying in a different place for the majority of your life. Only years ago when you finally got the context why through your poor father who was stuck taking care of you alone. The infant you apparently cried very hard upon the knowledge that your mother was pregnant with another kid. You wailed nothing but continuous remarks that your brother must not be born into this world, to not let him be near you as it's bound to nothing but danger, and thus your mother had a miscarriage the morning after. When you were in your last year of high school, she came back because she got sick and lost her job. Your father went to work on her behalf instead, and you got no news about him since then.
That's why now that you've been made aware of how it still affects her, you shattered into pieces. You went back to bed, stared at the ceiling with dead eyes, and when she knocked on the door you closed it to feign sleep. You were expecting her to finally lash out at you, to say the least, but you felt a palm on your forehead instead.
With her thumb gently circling it she called for your name. You mumbled a groggy hum so she added, "How are you feeling? Seems like your fever has subsided now. I cooked something that could help you feel a lot better."
"I didn't know I had one. Thank you. I'll get up after a moment." You tried to fight the tears back this time. Her touch was heavenly that your sentiments about the new ordeal halted temporarily.
"Are you sure you don't need another gap sem? I mean, it's okay if you do. We completely understand."
"No, I don't need one. I'm sorry for making you worried."
"No, don't say sorry. It's not your fault." A moment of silence came until she stood up and started to walk outside the room. "Please don't hesitate to ask for help. I might be asking for a lot since I wasn't really with you for a long time but know that I'm here whenever you need me." She added before closing the door for good.
It was a while of another crying and pondering until you got the ability to check on the phone and grasp the time. It's late afternoon now. You passed out yesterday and while you're not sure what happened right after, the small bandage on your hand remarked that you've been hospitalized for a short while. Your young friend's in a fret as well. She texted you every hour with serious pleas of you better not die. However, one of the message bubbles coiled your stomach in trepidation.
Historia, 4:30 pm.
I'm reluctant to tell you about this but the professor you claimed as the man in your dreams is named Erwin and he asked me a favor about you. He knew what happened to you that day so he would like you to come to his office once you feel better to go to school. Can you do it? Or do you need someone to go with you? I put the syllabus of his course in your bag. His contact details are there.