Historia, 4:30 pm.
I'm reluctant to tell you about this but the professor you claimed as the man in your dreams is named Erwin and he asked me a favor about you. He knew what happened to you that day so he would like you to come to his office once you feel better to go to school. Can you do it? Or do you need someone to go with you? I put the syllabus of his course in your bag. His contact details are there.
Me, 4:50pm.
are you serious? erwin? is his surname smith?
Historia, 4:51pm.
Yeah? Anyway, I can go with you if you want
Me, 4:51 pm.
no
he will make me kill myself
No way. There's no way you're seeing a man who looks the same and has the same name. Without any hesitation, you browsed your student portal and clicked the drop subject button. You followed it with an email that says you're dropping his course for personal reasons and you're waiting for him to approve it so you could process the dropping fee. It wasn't long until your phone rang and almost made you jump on your seat.
"Why," You said flatly upon answering.
"Are you serious? You scared me shitless! You think I'm a joke to you?" Historia rasped in sheer panic.
"I'm sorry."
"You're not."
"I am."
"Well then, kneel when you see me." She huffed. "But are you serious about dropping it?"
"Historia, I'm not joking when I say he'd make me kill myself." The other line paused for a while and so you realized you might've said something bad. "I mean, sorry, I just can't see him." Still no answer. You muttered an apology again.
"I'm just worried about what'll happen to you, that's all." She said defeatedly. That's when guilt crept through your spine. She's the only person who sensed something was wrong that day despite being meters apart. If she hadn't grabbed you outside that door you wouldn't be able to even shed a tear. You'd instantly faint on the spot.
However, as if she's been reading your mind, she clarified. "It's not your fault, okay."
You released a small laugh. "You won't even let me say it."
"I know you already feel bad about this and I'm not the one to put unnecessary pressure but you know we're not even supposed to be batchmates. You've been behind for years now." She remarked worriedly. "I know graduating high school with us back then hurt you a lot because that meant how far behind you were with people your age. I just don't want to see you cry like that again." Looking back on that memory, however, it wasn't the graduation that made you cry that hard. It was rather a lucid nightmare of your parents murdering someone in some basement, which was partly mentioned in your latest dream.
"Yeah, I'm sorry for making you worry a lot." You lamented.
"No, that's not what I'm trying to say. This is about you dropping that subject. You know we're in the same class, right? If it's heavy for you I could just help."
"Oh, that. I've had my most graphic nightmare so far and got really horrified with the thought of seeing that man again so I immediately sent him an email before you called."
"Oh god." She exhaled. "Have you apologized yet?"
"Why? We haven't even met formally—"
"Do you have any idea how much help he offered to me when you dropped unconscious that day?"
"What the fuck?"
"Yeah, what the fuck."
"How the fuck is it my fault? I can't even remember anything!"
"I ran back to the class out of panic because I can't carry you all the way to the clinic." She groaned out of embarrassment. "Well, it's not like I screamed to everyone that you died, I just called his attention and whispered that you're unconscious. He excused himself out of class and carried you all the way. I'm–" She didn't even get to finish because both of you started groaning at the same time.
You screamed on your pillow and dropped the call. You can't even fathom getting near him and the fact that he actually carried you himself appalled you. Thinking about him as a real moving figure that could actively interact with you isn't something you could take just yet. When the coast was clear and you confirmed your mother finally went out, you grabbed some water to calm yourself down. You almost jumped again when your phone dinged.
Erwin Smith, 5:20 pm.
Good afternoon. I hope you're doing well right now. Regarding the course dropping you have filed, I'm afraid we have to talk about this first personally. Come to my office once you're better.
You bit your lower lip hard until you tasted copper. Nails pierced the skin of your knuckles as you hurriedly came up with excuses he could buy.
Me, 5:23 pm.
I don't think I'll get well anytime soon. I am also concerned about the inconvenience this would cause you. Is it fine to just discuss it here?
Erwin Smith, 5:25 pm.
We can just settle this once you're okay and can come back to school. And to be honest, I am leaning towards making necessary considerations that would suit your situation rather than dropping you out of class. Hope you can think about it further before we talk about it.
The best consideration you could ever give to me is getting out of my sight. You muttered in fright. At this point, you feel like you don't have to force yourself to school anymore. Heck, you'd be willing to drop out altogether. Garnering another agenda, you prepared for your things and called Furlan to inform him you'd drop by. Before he could even ask how you are after the previous commotion, you hung up the call.
You swung the sliding door open and the cafe was empty, much to your confusion since it's almost evening already and this place is well known enough to be bombarded with people during rush hour. You walked to the counter and greeted Furlan.
"Levi said to close early because he's had tons of drinks with his friend lately and doesn't feel like working at all." Furlan explained as he cleaned the table counter. Levi's sleeping on the bar table with a fluffy blanket around him and so you nodded in relief. Until you discover why you're seeing him with contempt, you decided to just ignore him for your peace of mind.
"Quite unusual to see him like that." You dropped your coat and bag on the chair beside Furlan's and then got yourself some water.
"Yeah, the person he drank with is someone we haven't seen for quite a long time so he ended up having too much."
"Must be someone close. Family?"
"Not someone related but is close to everyone inside the house just like you. Actually he started working at our school recently. Have you heard the new professor at yo–" The glass you've been holding was shattered into pieces then. No way, no way, no way, no way, no way. Furlan stopped on his tracks wide-eyed, and Levi abruptly got up on his seat and dropped his futon, suddenly wide alert.
"What the fuck?" Annoyed Levi exclaimed.
"Are you okay?" Furlan quickly rushed to you as you crouched down to clean the mess.
With wide eyes, ragged breath, and surrounding slowed down, you picked the shards up and they clutched on you quick and tight— harder and deeper yet the pain wasn't coming. How could I even cut ties with him when the closest people I have outside my family know him? The question rang repeatedly. You snapped to reality again when Levi stood in front and called you out sternly. He quickly dropped the broom and dustpan he's been holding and examined you with curled-up eyebrows.
"Stand up." He deadpanned, which you followed immediately due to his annoyance.
"Your hand." You complied. Furlan rushed with bandages and disinfectants. Levi quickly did its wonders cleaning your wound.
"Sorry, I was just trying to pick it up."
"A wound this deep won't make me believe you really just thought of picking it up."
You also pondered why. "I wasn't able to feel it. Maybe because I'm not feeling well the past few days."
"Just tell me what Furlan said that made you so shocked."
It's not like you could blatantly say his friend's been pushing your buttons imaginatively. "It's no big deal. Just had a hard time earlier." Luckily for you, he only hummed in acknowledgment and didn't press further.
"So, about your friend, I have a new professor at the college right now and I'm wondering if–"
"Erwin Smith," You shot your eyes open and flinched. "Why? Rang a bell?" You shook your head no but your frown can't go unnoticed by him. "Done. Sit."
Furlan then gave you a hot tea. "How are you? Things must've been stressing you a lot. Is it really a good idea you came here?"
"Thank you. And yeah, it's okay. I just have to fix something at school."
"And that is?" He glanced at your wrapped-up wound.
"I'm going to Mr. Smith's office to tell him I'm dropping his subject." You sighed then gripped harder on the cup. "Or I'm thinking of just going straight to the college secretary to file a leave of absence again? I honestly don't know."
"Why?" Levi chipped in, done with cleaning the mess. "That man did you bad or something?" You sunk at the question. Time and time again, you're dropping major things in your life because of something that can't be deemed real.
"Well… there's nothing in particular. I just thought I can't do school in general. Maybe I'm meant to join Isabel after all." You faked a laugh.
But then again, maybe your action makes more sense this time. Someone in that dream appeared before you after all. However, how sure are you that you're seeing the same person? What if you're just hallucinating and this Erwin Smith doesn't really look like him?
"So you went here because?" Levi asked and it took you time to answer.
If your eyes are indeed fooling you and this Erwin Smith isn't the one in your dreams, then why do they have the same name? Countless possibilities are taking over your mind again. Insane. Trapped. Cornered. The bones cracking and blood gushing are real. You made your brother die.
"I am extremely afraid to face him," You shakily blurted out. Only when you turned to the two did you realize how weird it sounded.
"Off we go then. Bring the keys with you, Furlan." He then turned to you. "And fix your face, we'll go with you."
"Pardon?" You shot them with a confused look. How did the conversation turn into this?
"Did I stutter?"
"No, it's just very unnecessary."
"We don't have anything to do for today either way." Furlan said.
"Yeah, and don't mind us," Levi slightly raised his hand holding a medium-sized paper bag. "I also need to bring this since that old bastard forgot to claim his orders."
"Yeah, no, but really– you don't have to bother yourselves with my matters." You stuttered.
"You can't convince us otherwise with that state." Levi pressed. "And wipe your face now. There's no point in crying."
"I'm not?" But when you tapped your cheeks to confirm, it was indeed moist.
Levi shot you a glance before walking away. "Oh? I must be blind then."
And there you go, with Furlan just beside the door while you and Levi stood in front of him; sitting in his glory with thin-layered silver eyeglasses which you're quite thankful for. It created a slight distinction from the man in your nightmares.
"We just saw each other earlier. Never thought you'd be that clingy." He mused at Levi. Yeah, and I never thought you'd be this approachable. You thought to yourself.
"Well, this," Levi threw a paper bag with his products at the man, luckily Erwin caught it quickly. "And this," Then pointed at you. "Just wondering what made her so frightened of you. Figured I'd humor myself."
"No! I'm not!"
"Yeah, we just came with her since she's dropping your class or leaving college altogether, something like that. We got nothing to do after all since you made my boss drunk. We also figured it'd be nice for Isabel to have someone we know as she goes beyond her life endeavors." Furlan chipped in, already inside the office and walking at the bookshelf.
"I thought she doesn't feel well, though." Erwin muttered and so you looked sidewards. You completely forgot about the email. He also glanced at your hand wrapped in a bandage. "Are you really okay now?"
You hid it behind your back. "Since you asked me to talk about this personally, I figured I'd do it now."
"Okay." He then called your name. Such a trivial gesture and yet it sent horrible chills down your spine. It's presumably his first time uttering your name but somehow it feels like he's been doing it since since forever. "What are you planning to do now? Are you really dropping this semester?"
"I'm considering it yet."
"If that's the case and you're filing another medical leave then you need your legal guardian or someone close to that. You're not all unfamiliar with it, are you?" Ah, right. Of course, Hannes will tell him everything he knows about the situation. This man's first impression of you was literally knocked unconscious on the floor, after all.
"That's why we're here," Levi answered on your behalf then walked onto the office couch to sit. "Her only dependable guardian is away from here and the other who's supposed to act as one is a shitty woman who is being taken care of by my mother as of the moment. If there's someone who must accompany her on this matter, it's us. If a certification will be needed then we'll go for it." You turned to him wide-eyed. How much does he know exactly? Also, he's not the one to intervene on your stuff. It's not like you're annoyed. It's just that it's been so long since you heard him speak of your matters that way, with sheer concern.
You wonder how many years were wasted because of your avoidance.
"Hm," Erwin sounded reluctant. "I have another proposition to offer if that's okay." Then looked at you for approval.
You want to get out of this room. "I don't mind."
"As I said, I was informed about your situation by the faculty so I decided to give any consideration needed just so you could finish this subject." The disappointed sigh you intended to keep to yourself was let out loud instead. It was needless to say Erwin looked surprised and amused by it. "And I would like to reiterate that this is the second time you'd be taking this subject among others. You previously filed a leave of absence mid-semester after all. Dropping this would certainly not look good on your records, don't you think?" Congratulations on your discovery, Commander smart-ass. Considering my age, it's needless to say I've had bad records since I started school.
"I just don't have any idea how to push through when I go to a point of fainting at school, even before classes start." Not to mention his presence is what made you like that.
"Ah yes, I completely understand and I considered that as well. If I remember correctly, most of your professors for this semester are also aware of it and so far there are no other sentiments from them other than making necessary adjustments."
"How do you know that?" You curled your eyebrows at him.
"Mr. Hannes told me. And honestly, please don't pressure yourself regarding matters like this." I'm not pressured. I'm annoyed. "I'm quite new here but I can already see how kind our department is. They're very understanding of their students' welfare." No way. You're just stalling me here.
"That's true. Students in my department complain about the unnecessary pressure there, and hope they just went here instead." Furlan chipped in. "They just have no idea how to write."
"So, I propose to have extra time outside class hours for students who would need extra supervision for the course like you. I have plenty of time to offer. And also, I believe writing class should be as flexible as writing itself." Is this a drama plot somewhere? You almost scoffed out loud. Not because of misplaced annoyance but rather the dread. If this were Hannes you'd be really thankful, but a part of your mind screams please just don't get near me instead, while the other screams guilt because he isn't doing anything wrong to warrant your disfavor.
"It's not convenient for you, though. I don't think the faculty should waste their time and effort on people who are bound to quit."
Erwin sneered. "And I think you're overestimating our faculty. Academe is here to equip students so they'd be able to go on with their lives properly. It's their responsibility to nurture people so they won't be bound to quit."
"I'm a student who has academic lapses more than once. I think the consideration here is getting out of hand."
"Well, it's not like you wished to be in this position, is it?" You were shut into silence with that. "To clarify, I don't think the faculty is holding you down for no reason. From what I've been told, you were able to write projects that went big in the theater field despite being a student, let alone with what you call academic lapses." He mused in slight amusement at the term you came up with. "You were able to represent the university theater with your craft despite being here for a short time. I'm not quite sure with the details but the faculty didn't regret facilitating a talent test separate from the entrance exams, because they were able to get talents like you."
But then, what he said were things you completely deem irrelevant. Competence isn't what follows through when you see crushed bodies and pools of blood on a daily basis. You've got a distorted sense of reality for god knows how long already, and so your self-perception slipping away is the least of your concerns.
"So, what do you think about it? Extra classes are flexible time-wise. I also opted for output-based attendance so students don't have to rely on their presence alone to pass in my class." He then removed his eyeglasses and as if that's the much-needed trigger, you started trembling in your place. You want to run now, the only thing stopping your limbs is the self-consciousness of appearing like a stupid little girl.
"I'll consider it."
"Well, I'm afraid to break this to you but I do not plan to approve your filing of drop. Not at all. So I'd appreciate it if you could confirm your compliance with this right here. Or speak your contentions so we could go for other options."
"Huh?" You huffed. "But deciding to drop is my basic freedom as a student."
"Freedom does not acquit you from reason and so far you haven't presented me any valid basis as to why it's better to drop you than adjust on course requirements." And you won't believe me if I say you're a cold-blooded military man and seeing you makes me confused about what's real and not.
"But this isn't about me being a good student, this is about the inability to comply with the bare minimum of an enrolled student in this university."
"Which is again, something that can be talked upon for adjustments." Erwin interposed. He heard the small tsk you let out so he continued. "Okay. Three sessions. Attend three sessions of my class then decide again whether to quit or not. I won't be interfering with your choice by then." Would you be able to hold down for that long when right after seeing him you already got the worst nightmare of your life? Even as he speaks you can hear things.
"Just go with it. We'll help you." Furlan offered. You glanced at Levi for another opinion and little hope that he could say flashy things like earlier, but he's already slouched on the office couch with his coat covering his head. Honestly, it's getting tiring for you to come up with lackluster reasons.
"Fine, I'll go for it. But when that time comes I hope there'll be no more contentions from you."
"You have my word." You turned your back in quite a rush because the trembles are getting harder. However, he called your name. You faced him again only to see the most gentle look you've ever seen; utterly contrary to the ruthless persona you've witnessed on the same face. "Things might go harder from here on. So please don't hesitate to ask people for help. I'm sure they're all here for you." Your blood ran cold at the possibility that he might be pertaining to your nightmares. Even Levi and Furlan don't know the exact premise of it. And it really did become harder than ever since he came. You stormed out of the office immediately with hardest attempt to not cry.
And that concludes one of the most excruciating conversations you've had for a while. Historia demanded you spend the night at her place and since your mother doesn't seem to go home tonight, you grabbed her offer. She never failed to reiterate how imperative it is to not let any details slip, and so you told her everything that happened in your dream, your mom crying to Kuchel as well as Erwin's suggestion.
"How do you feel about your brother?" She asked.
"Just the same. Like, how-could-I-even-say-something-so-evil-at-age-two thoughts."
"And I'm reminding you every single time that it's not your fault. Being bothered with it for a while is understandable, but making it a basis for neglecting her daughter for more than a decade is another topic." And while you completely understood, it is different when you hear your mother crying about it every time she has someone in the house. You perceive it as her trying her best to overcome her demons. Echoing Erwin's statement, It's not like she chose to be in that position. You've been waiting for her for so long so you wouldn't mind doing it longer.
"Maybe the whole dream was me projecting that guilt." You curled up into a ball.
"I understand but I don't think it's that simple."
"What do you mean?"
"I always sound silly saying this and I try to shrug these thoughts countless times but, I really think there's something deeper with the nightmares. I mean!" She paused and you instantly got an idea of what she was about to say. "What if it's actually real all this time? Like, some sort of another world? Don't you think it sounds thrilling?"
"You're delusional."
"I agree! I may sound stupid about this!" She huffed. "But look at it now. You've been with me all your life. Almost everyone you knew I knew as well. I am certain you've never met that person before, but now that this happened I'm not sure anymore. Why did you dream of his face before we even met him? Why is his name in your dream the same as here?"
You huffed a small laugh, "Okay. You can stop now."
"Okay. I just wanted to prove a point."
"Taken, but see, whenever I face him I hear bones cracking and blood spilling. Even the giant footsteps are ringing in my ear. That's what I was feeling before I fainted."
"Oh no. It's that bad?" Her mood was instantly replaced with guilt. You're well aware of how she's just trying to make it lighter considering how bad this had affected you all these years. She's always been horrified with it as well but figured that both of you need to move forward and work around not making it disturb your life forever.
"I think it helped me a lot when Levi and Furlan went with me. At least I was reminded that there were people beside me who are real and uninvolved with the nightmares. But I still have no idea how to face him on my own, especially with the extra session crap he proposed. What if I just file an LOA again?"
"If that's the case then I'll be your constant reminder. We're in the same class after all." Her tone became cheerful again. "I'd be even willing to accompany you with the sessions if needed! I'm so bored after all!" You sighed in defeat. What followed suit was a series of boring conversations people would have every sleepover, and you realized you're lucky enough to have this kid exhaust your thought process to the point of sleeping.
With a sharp breath, you felt your arms and leg sting. Your bones are cracked. Opening your eyes you saw the familiar moist wooden ceiling. It doesn't take you long to realize you're in the Scout Regiment's infirmary and aside from the bandages is a dry rough cloth you've been gripping on for dear life. Memories from the expedition flashed before you and upon realizing that this ragged cloth is the only thing you've brought back of your brother, tears welled up in your eyes again.
Is that really the outside world your brother was thrilled to explore? Life inside the walls is as miserable as it is but what good is there in your life if the outside land is more atrocious?
A scout member who entered the infirmary came to check you, and fortunately, he let you finish your cries first before approaching to check on your wounds. "How are you feeling?"
"How many days have passed?" You inquired plainly.
"It's been a week. Your progress is commendable so far. Such deep wounds may require a long time to heal if not permanent. But it's best to lie down until your wounds close, which may take a month or so."
"W-where," You stuttered as you felt an abrupt headache ringing all over you. "...are the others?" Your head's in a kaleidoscope. Different stuff and voices pile up in your mind continually. Maybe you hit yout head hard.
"We only managed to save a few people who were brought back. Some of them were dead on arrival, while others were able to survive but with blunt trauma. It's needless to say they're unfit for combat for the rest of their lives." He explained. "You are one of the few Scouts who managed to survive with the guarantee of full healing, so please avoid forcing your body to do things otherwise."
Observing him in one arm, it seems like he's no different from them. With a sigh, you asked him if it would be possible for you to eat. When he nodded and went out of the room, it came to you that all infirmary beds were occupied. It took only a minute until came back with what seemed to be a large wooden bowl of soup and a cup that smells like tea.
Before you could lament on how plain it is after being unconscious for a whole week, he clarified. "You just underwent surgery, and a large serving of meals would do you more harm than good. I also don't think you're capable of chewing your food yet." And he's right. You actually don't have the appetite. Furthermore, your squadmates flashed through your mind and panic rose again.
"Squad Leader Erwin, where is he? And the Scouts under his command? I would like to see them." You figured they must be the first people you ought to see, especially Erwin.
"Oh, so you were part of the surviving team from Squad Erwin?" His tone changed then. You looked at him in confusion. "That explains how fast you heal from your wounds compared to others. You must be strong enough for that man." He released a wry laugh upon realization. "I remember you now. Claps for your team, though. Almost all the squads present at the expedition were wiped out or incapacitated, but Squad Leader Erwin only managed to reduce you guys in half. So much for being his pawns."
"I dare you to say that again." You scowled. You're not taking anyone who'd trample on your brother's death and call him a mere pawn.
"Please don't be angry with me. I'm on your side. You're the sister of that man who's a sucker for Erwin, right?"
Utterly deprived of your rationality to stay composed and watch your mouth, you repled. "I wonder what made a permanently injured soldier who can't do anything but stay in this wicked place so drawn and contemptuous of my squad?"
His smug smile turned into a snarl. "Don't mix me in with the likes of you, all delusional for a new world when we can't even walk past the walls without hundreds of comrades turning into pulp."
"I may not be blinded with the idea of a whole new world like my brother, but I won't tarnish the name of our fallen comrades as if they risked their lives on something so futile. I don't get why people like you go to a place like this when you hold Survey Corps with such disdain."
"Don't get me wrong, missy. I used to be like you as well. Heck, I think I'm more like your brother than you. But before anything else, I would like to confirm something first. Your brother was eaten on Erwin's behalf, am I correct?" Your anger was quickly replaced by sheer numbness. You even felt your breath hitch after the inquiry.
"Seeing your reaction, I suppose I'm correct." You held on to the empty wooden bowl firmly, ready to make his head bleed if your patience runs dry. He continued to press nonetheless. "A comrade—no, a dear friend of mine died the same way."
"And?"
"I know hearing this would be hard for you. But please listen to me, not as a comrade but someone who went here years before you two." He started as he closed his eyes for a moment to sigh, and then continued. "Erwin and I went from the same division in Cadet Corps, so we knew each other for a long time. We graduated together and chose the Scouting Regiment together. We went along just well, to say the least. We even ended up together in the same squad. I was too foolish to think it's fortunate that we did. Trust me, I completely understand where you're coming from." With this, you're no longer on alert. Still, he noticed how your anxiousness persisted so he asked for your approval first before continuing. You nodded warily.
"Hope finally diminished in me when I got my hand eaten and I witnessed my friend die. Erwin and I had the most horrified looks on our faces. It was the first time someone really close died in front of us. It hit us harder than everything else. Honestly, I'm not insane enough to blame it on Erwin at first, even though our friend died protecting him." After this, his tone changed into anger and he gritted his teeth. "But that bastard, after everything that we've gone through, I was expecting him to lament over it. I was expecting him to at least show how remorseful he was about what happened. But he!" He banged his fist on the infirmary counter. "I can't believe I didn't notice how ruthless and insane he actually was. When I went to him after recovering from my lost hand and asked how he is after the traumatic encounter, he remained grimly indifferent. I pressed on him, slowly, but one day he just scornfully remarked that I should stop lamenting repeatedly over something that's over, or I'll be the next one crushed to death. Then I screamed at him, told him it was our friend who died, and he died to protect him! And you know what the fucker said? It was inevitable, which I agree of course, but then he remarked that my friend in the last minute of his life chose to die. So Erwin will choose not to be guilty about it because guilt is what would kill him. Erwin said not feeling bad about it is for the better to honor the death of our comrade. It put me off when he said that, honestly. In what way did he honor my friend's death exactly? So I picked a fight with him until he asked me with an annoyingly unbothered face, 'What good would it do to you if a death of a single person holds you back that much? If you can't suck it up and continue, just withdraw from being a Scout. Living in the comfort of the walls would suit a mentally weak person like you the best,' and that's how our friendship broke."
You held on to your blanket tight. Even though you can imagine him saying something like that, you cannot see him as someone so ruthless to disregard a comrade's life. Your brother, and even you who held him with slight contempt, never saw him like that.
"Since then he had became the eloquent man that he is now. He started talking trash about how important our comrades' lives were, and that we're here to continue the legacy of those who died so we should just fight until we achieve the answer beyond the walls. He talked and talked, and let other people die believing his bullshit. A manipulative bastard who secretly valued his own life and hid it with his eloquence."
You looked at your body all wrapped in bandages with a question ringing in your head— For whom did I offer these wounds? For whom did my brother offer his body? Although you know better than acting emotionally based on just one narrative, you can't help but be greatly affected by this. "What happened after?"
"You won't believe it! That man apologized after a month, saying he was very wrong to call me mentally weak. What the fuck was that? A last attempt to save face. And you know what, that Shadis doesn't make it even better. Our commander who does nothing but arrogance despite his soldiers dying on him is the one at fault for the death of your brother!" He's saying it with terrifying wide eyes and a maniacal laugh. It's one of the most deranged expressions you've seen for a while.
"To be honest, if not for the trust I put with my brother for his choices, I'd be seething in anger as well right now, but I'll see this for myself."
"I'm not asking you to buy my story. I just want you to understand why soldiers, and even citizens, hate Scouting Regiment to guts. Ever heard of the Dissolution Faction?" You bent your head sidewards in confusion so he continued. "Due to the people's unwavering plight, noblemen started to hear us. An anti-expedition faction intended for the fall of the Scouting Regiment was formed for a while now. From what I know, it was led by the concerned noblemen who think the Survey Corps are wasting people's funds, and expeditions must be postponed permanently."
"Don't you think your friend's life would really turn into vain if Survey Corps will not be successful in finding the answer beyond the walls?" You know these noblemen, you've worked with plenty of them. They might have different faces and different levels of fortune, but they all know better than being genuine to the masses. Behind that flamboyant facade of heroism is a sinister interest of their own— to have more of anything they put their eyes on. This nobleman, whoever they are, is no doubt using this faction to have the funds for themselves.
"My friend's life was already wasted the moment he died for that bastard." He rebuffed. "Good luck on seeing things for yourself though. I hope it won't hurt you the way it did for me. I was able to warn you after all."
"Whether or not it would hurt me is not your business,"
"Three spies from the Dissolution Faction will be entering the Survey Corps soon. The moment I'm waiting for will finally take place. I am thrilled to see that Erwin Smith and Shadis turn into ashes."
"Why are you saying this to me? Don't you think I can just easily turn you into the higher-ups?"
"It's not like you can do anything. What do you think will happen when you try to say it to them, huh? You think they'd believe you?" He provoked. "You have enough reason to hold our leaders with disdain. Your brother died because of their negligence after all!"
"Stop bringing me and my brother into this." You scowled.
"Believe me, if you died in your brother's stead, he'd come with that faction too." I doubt that but go on I guess. "You're smart enough to be in the Military Police so I trust your intuition to figure out how dirty things really are here. Come at me if you changed your mind. I have connections with them. My name's Vander." Military Police is way dirtier though, you thought to yourself. It's not like you're choosing the lesser evil, it's just that the mission here is way more sensical than that regiment.
As he went to fix some stuff, a knock was heard from the door. "This is Squad Leader Erwin Smith." The visitor remarked before entering.
"Speaking of the devil." Vander released a wry snark. He abruptly opened the door with your utensils at hand. He then turned around again, calling out your name. "Think about what I said, okay?" Then winked. You looked at him in disbelief. As he went out of the room, he intentionally bumped hard into Erwin's shoulder. Erwin remained stoic nonetheless.
"What a way to wake me up." You whispered with eyebrows curled and then started to massage your numbing legs.
"How are you feeling?" Erwin called your name.
Despite appearing unaffected, seeing him right after the talk about your brother's death and the possibility of Erwin using him, or you, as a pawn bothered you to no end. Pretending to examine your injuries, you answered. "That infirmary creep told me I'd get better in a month or so if I follow my treatment. So many injuries for my first expedition, I wonder how long I'd last at this point."
"I give my sincerest condolences and apologies for the death of your brother." Erwin lamented and you gripped hard on your legs upon hearing it.
"Why are you apologizing? Is there something you did wrong that caused my brother's demise?"
"Admittedly so," He answered without hesitation. "I am your squad leader, if there's something that caused your brother's death, it's my dereliction of duty. He also died while protecting me. If someone has to take accountability for his death, it should be me." It was hard to maintain a straight face as tears welled up your eyes again. You just turned your face to the side opposite from him so he wouldn't see you falter. What he said was very contrary to what Vander talked about, at least for now.
"And how'd you account for that?"
"Your brother left his will for you to me. I promised him to show it to you once he passed on."