Mindless taps on the table, voices aside from yours totally blocked off, and silly reflections about your latest dream. Thankfully, it wasn't as graphic as usual and Historia's question made you ponder whether confronting Erwin about it would be a great idea or not. You quickly brushed it off, though, as it's more likely for you to be called insane rather than have your questions answered. Furthermore, you feel like you wouldn't be able to meet him without detestation given that you can't separate him from the one you've been seeing in your sleep.
Your brief moment of peace was cut off upon hearing the boisterous voice you're awfully familiar with. Isabel came running towards you and instantly engulfed you with a big bear hug as if she had been gone for decades. You almost stumbled down the floor.
"How's your camping?" You asked as you regained your seat.
"I didn't camp. I went out on a hike and stayed at a friend's house. Stupid Furlan just doesn't know the difference." The man in question glared at her. Blood on her face ran dry as she noticed Levi standing in the corner, completely appalled at her presence. You looked at the redhead in pity and Levi really almost went for a smack but hesitated at the last second; he realized there are way too many people inside the cafe and she can be overreacting most of the time.
He heaved a sigh. "Do you even eat? You look horrible."
Isabel quickly switched from scared to gushing. "I knew it! Always pretending to be angry every time but is actually the softest doting man alive! Levi is the best!" She chirped, her exuberance covered the whole area. With Levi's glare getting darker and darker, you kicked Isabel's leg to shut her up. Levi went inside the kitchen moments after.
Isabel then gave you her undivided attention with an endearing smile. "How's my angsty little bitch doing?"
You scowled at the nickname. "Have nature finally replaced your brain with air?"
She seriously pondered over the question and that alone was your answer. "I feel like I became brighter! What's with your face though? Your eye bags became heavier."
"Just sleep-deprived. Mind's still insane." Isabel didn't doubt your nightmares a single bit but you don't think she'd easily believe the Erwin thing like Historia did. He's a family friend after all. She can be gullible and all things silly, but this requires more explanation.
"I'd get insane with you then!"
You released a small snort. "You already are."
Levi came back to your seat with a bunch of food, all of which are the most expensive ones on the menu.
"What? I'll get these for free?" You gleamed.
"Isabel will be paying for it. Go on."
"What!" She retorted and instinctively banged her hands on the table. "There's no way I could pay for this! And I didn't even order!"
"You entered this damn place so I'd obviously serve you food. Didn't know what you'd like so I made everything. Besides, I don't see this as a problem since you'll be paying for this with the allowance you saved for that hiking shit."
"Seems like you won't be going anywhere for a while." You lamented as you grabbed huge chunks of food.
"Huh! Then what do you think you're doing!"
"Can't refuse free food," Your mouth's full this time.
Isabel threw tantrums, or so she attempted, by brushing away the plates but immediately stopped when Levi threw her an extremely scary glare. She huffed on her seat instead. "Hey," She turned to you and stuffed food in her mouth in annoyance. "Seriously, how are you? You look worse than ever."
"College's tough as usual but completely fine nonetheless."
"Lies."
"Okay, I'm not. But it's not like I can do anything about it."
"What are you doing after this?"
"Classes and hanging out with Hisu."
Isabel frowned at the mention of the name. "Hang out with me instead!"
Levi then hit her head at the remark. He's already seated in front of the counter. "You're not going anywhere. If you won't pay for this food with your allowance then help me in the kitchen."
"No! I don't want her near Historia!"
This raised Furlan's ear. "Hey! What's wrong with Historia?"
"She's a pretentious hot bitch wannabe and you can't change my mind."
"You're a plain redhead with no actual direction in life! At least she took the effort of getting into college."
"What's with everyone treating college as a huge flex? Stop messing with me. We're all going to be corporate slaves at the end of the day! And die!" You nodded your head in concurrence. You're on the precipice of not finishing college after all. "Anyway, hang out with us tomorrow, for real. Mom said we'd be having a night out because I just came back and she missed me." Isabel grinned.
"Where?" Levi chipped in.
"Here!"
"No way. She didn't even tell me."
"Well, she would later on. She knew you won't let it happen if I'm the one who says it."
"Then pay for it as well, you fucking freeloader." Levi grabbed her ears and dragged her towards the kitchen.
Isabel shouted in retaliation. "Don't forget it, okay! Tomorrow after the cafe closes! Bring a beer with you!" She bid her last words before disappearing into the kitchen completely.
And you did what you're told when tomorrow came. After buying one bucket of beer at the nearby store, you lazily entered the cafe. The beam upon seeing Kuchel was short-lived when you glanced at the barstool near the counter corner. Gripping on the door, you tried to see if someone saw you enter because if not then you'll just run away. Unluckily for you, it was Levi who did. You looked at him in a plea to have you reverse your entrance and run.
Instead, he turned his head on Erwin. "She's here."
How is that his concern?
When your presence was announced, all of them perked up to look. The atmosphere was further overwhelmed with Isabe, along with her baby cousins running to you for hugs and tantrums. This is gonna be a long night.
Hangouts like this usually make you really happy because of your immediate family's frequent absence, which comes to mind that you don't even know where your mom is right now. This family can also be a rowdy one when kids are included so you're lways easily swayed by the energy. Tonight is different, though, so you had to engulf yourself with alcohol first until you got the ability to keep up. With the night passing by coldly, you silently slipped outside with the beers you had bought. The cold air on par with the alcohol's heat was comforting, to say the least, that you didn't mind slouching inside the bush displayed on the side of the cafe.
It was when you were a few chugs away from sleep had you heard some footsteps; and while you didn't bother making your presence known, you were shot awake upon hearing the click. You were sure it's from a lighter but it completely transcended into the click of grenades. The surroundings suddenly changed one after the other, as if you're in a roulette, and it didn't take long until it halted. Unfortunately for you, the surroundings in question were the grassland beyond the walls. Your limbs are too wobbly to even make a run for it so you desperately crawled for dear life, nothing but prayers that you won't come across titans. After what seemed to be a long while, you stopped in your tracks upon bumping into the leg of a man wearing a brown dress boot.
Where did this one come from? And why is he seated atop of a barrel, in the middle of the titan territory?
As if having the scariest time of your life, you slowly looked upwards and there he was, the grimiest man you laid your eyes on. Wearing the Survey Corps uniform as his top, he looked down at you with sheer authority. This is the first time in your life that you felt him real; not a dream you're watching and feeling from afar but an actual man breathing and looking down at you like the little pawn that you are. Not even a blink or a break of eye contact were spared from each other. You clutched on the suddenly rough floor until your hand got bruised. You gulped the trembling fear down only to have it rise on your tear ducts instead.
"Are you okay?" He spoke, and the baritone of his voice was enough to make your knees limper than it already is.
"What are you doing here?" You replied lowly.
"What do you mean what am I doing here?" He's confused but still not breaking eye contact.
"I am already tormented, more than anyone could ever be." Your voice shook mid-sentence. "I have failed my duty, I can never be sincere with the cause, and I have been pathetically honest with it. Why must you inflict me with more pain?" As much as you're acknowledging that these words are indeed coming out from you, you feel like someone's speaking on your behalf instead. He didn't flinch in confusion but rather looked like he immediately understood your remark. And surprisingly, his stare softened. He's not looking at you with authority exuding from every fiber of his being— he's pitying you instead.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Still, he remained silent so you just got up on your knees, held on to his knee, and looked at him in a plea. Tears finally streamed down your eyes. "Tell me, how long am I supposed to suffer from the pain you've brought me?" Still no answer. "So you're still set on being cruel? Even in this situation?" For the first time in your life, you're not wary of his presence anymore. Not on guard, no fear for your damned life, even. You rested your forehead on top of his knee and he gently placed his palm above your head in return.
You ignored him when he called your name as you figured your defeated wailings and rambles were worth much more. You've been holding all of this back after all. However, when he spoke for the second time, you halted. "Would you look at me?" The benign yet firm remark made you look up instinctively as if every word coming out of his mouth is an order to be followed no matter what. Upon looking up, you saw his wistful smile, and as gentle as ever, he slid his hand from your head to cup your cheeks. "Even if I live this life a thousand times, I'd never hesitate to pay for everything I have done to our comrades, everything I've done to you."
As if it was the last cue, you terribly wailed. All the cries you had kept to yourself after waking up, after witnessing your comrades crushed into pulp, and after dreadfully wondering if there really was a world beyond the walls your brother had yearned for. Your weeps turned into gentle croons, and those croons became lullabies— all towards sleep, towards another world you could grieve in.
After a month, soldiers were given a week off so they could briefly unite with their families and the remains of those who died could be mourned by those left behind. Since you had no family to go home to, you decided to just spend your days beside your brother's empty stone.
You went there first thing in the morning, ate the only piece of bread you brought with you, slept beside it, and when you woke up it was already late afternoon. You're too tired to go back to the barracks and too limped to even stop by the nearby market for a decent meal. As you tried to drift towards sleep again, you heard the sound of footsteps on the grass towards you. It's Erwin on his green trench coat.
"How long have you been here?" He remarked with concern laced in his voice.
You rubbed your eyes and pondered without minding the overly disheveled hair, let alone the crevices of the rock that marked lines on your face. "Morning."
"Have you eaten anything?"
"Bread."
"How many?"
"One."
"Since morning?"
"Yeah."
Erwin didn't respond anymore so you lazily looked up. He looked completely worried, but despite that genuine expression you just remembered the story Vander had told you. You heaved a sigh to brush it off yet again. "What about you? What are you doing here?"
Erwin knelt and dropped the bouquet in front of your brother's grave. You widened your eyes at the gesture as it reminded you that your brother's gone for good. "He won't be glad to see you like that."
"As if he could. His body's gone with the titan we killed." You dully replied.
"Right. I'll come up with another reason then." He busied himself in lighting up the candle. When he was done he looked at you again. "You just healed from your wounds very recently. Don't do something that would compromise your health further. You need your body in its best state to fight for your brother's death."
"Valid." You said. Erwin let out a small smile in satisfaction.
"I came here to visit all our fallen comrades from the recent expedition. Would you mind having me as your company?"
"Can't walk, too tired, and I prefer to spend the night here beside my brother." You figured you don't have enough energy to have someone right now, let alone walk over the place to pay respects.
"It's a pity. I plan to show you the thing he asked me to do. No worries. We can just go with it once you feel better,"
"No!" You perked up. "I mean– yeah, we could do it now." You totally forgot about it.
"Really?" He reached a hand for you to stand up. "That's settled, then."
Your brother passed on a month ago and you noticed how your grief turned you into a completely different being. It's as if you picked up his habit of being a person of few words. You often kept your mouth shut, face laced with nothing but emptiness. It feels like your brother isn't gone at all, he just resided inside your body hence the same attitude. Perhaps it's just you grieving, but a part of you was in sheer relief. You wonder if you have to pick up how he behaves with Erwin just so you could feel a lot better.
Luckily, the walk with him wasn't as awkward and tiring as you thought it would be and Vander's words slipped out of your mind for a moment. After paying respect to your comrades, he insisted to buy you food so you could eat as you walk. The mention of a meal alone made your stomach grumble so you had no choice but to accept the offer in gratitude. It was surprisingly silent yet comforting. You're used to having Erwin only when your brother's there so it added to the solace. Furthermore, he also told you a number of stories concerning him as well. It was the needed push for you to pick up the attitude he got towards Erwin. Maybe it's indeed bound to give you some sort of relief.
"You might not be comfortable with me knowing this, but your brother also told me many, if not all, things about your childhood. That's what he's on most of the time. I must say you've endured a lot of pain for him and he knows it too."
"Really? How much has he told you?"
"He talked about you so much that I wonder how he managed to avoid you throughout the training period." You huffed at the memory but the thought of your brother bombarding other people about the moments you both shared made your heart swell. "...the thing about your parents as well." He added as if gauging whether or not you'd like to talk about that.
"It's fine. He had the worst experience during that time so I'm quite surprised he was able to share that with you. We lived just above the underground entrance back then, and we knew our parents were former habitants of it. We also knew they were criminals." With Erwin faced on the road but with full ears, you continued. "We actually didn't mind how vicious our parents might be because they treated us well. For a kid, parents being kind is the most important thing above anything else. But shit's gone loose when my brother snitched them to the MPs himself."
"Understandable. He mentioned that as well."
"How much do you know exactly?
"Perhaps you could tell me more and I'd see how much."
You heaved a small chuckle then continued. "When we were children, a man was murdered just around our neighborhood. It was the father of my brother's friend. Our parents strictly forbade us to enter the basement but he got too curious one day. His childhood was ruined for good after that. He was afraid to turn them in at first, but when the wife was arrested on their behalf and his best friend became parentless, he wasn't able to take it. A soldier took us in during the investigation but quickly dropped us after our parents were finally sentenced to death. He figured it'd look bad to take in children of convicted criminals and it's not like we'd be of use now that the case has been concluded. A night before the death sentence, our parents escaped their cells. Never heard from them since. We entered the training corps to survive."
"That must be hard, thinking of nothing but survival at a young age."
"That's why I never thought he'd be interested in joining the Corps. He should've just told me sooner so I'm not left here sulking in guilt because he never got to experience his dream for a long time."
"But he's more than willing to join the cause for freedom even at the cost of his life. You were able to raise him as a dignified man. It's undeniably admirable of you." He said with utmost sincerity. You just nodded in gratitude even though you can't fully grasp the cause for freedom just yet. Your mind pondered on quitting the Scouts as well. You're just not sure if you'd want to go back to where you came from and rot there, alone.
He dropped by different places due to his errands, and along the way he was able to share some of his early experiences as a cadet. You wonder if this was how the two of them bonded. It's your first time to be in the company of someone outside work as well, and so you realized that this must be something your brother yearned for that Erwin was able to give.
The final stop of your trip is on the east edge of Wall Sina, a place where lots of noblemen reside. After a few walks, you set foot at a fully furnished house.
"It's this place, the thing your brother left for you."
"This thing?" You mindlessly pointed at the house.
"Yeah."
"Oh." You were silent for a while. "Like, does he want me to pay for this?"
Erwin let out a laugh. "No, he already did."
"There's no way he could. He doesn't even know how to keep his money wisely."
"Maybe that's what he wanted you to see. This is where we met for the first time, somewhere near the area at least. I had errands to do that needed cooperation with some MP soldiers and it was your brother who helped me finish it until he decided to transfer for good." Slowly but surely, your mouth was agape. "He said that this is the last thing he needed to do before joining the Scouts, to buy yourselves a place to own. That way he won't be too worried to leave you alone." Erwin added solemnly.
You felt a strong flash of wind drape your face and after a month of death, your eyes finally gleamed brightly again. He waited for you to acknowledge the situation and when you flashed him your brightest smile, he responded with a gentle one. "Seeing you like that earlier, I figured I'd want you to sleep in a warm place tonight so bringing you here was the best thing I thought to do."
Maybe that's why your brother liked his company the best. He might be overwhelming with conviction and can be ruthless most of the time, but he cares for his comrades a lot and is willing to do the kindest gestures if the situation warrants it.
"I'd surely sleep my brains out in this place so your efforts won't be in vain."
"I'll be glad if you do." He replied. "I need to go back to the barracks now. I'm hoping to see you in your best form once we go back to training."
"Consider it done! I also wish you well for the rest of the week."
The lamp posts in the area lit up to their fullest, officially marking the end of dusk and the start of a long cold night. The whole place shined in yellow, further accentuating Erwin's features. It's something you wouldn't notice had you maintained a sullen mood and looking at it made you really happy. You expected Erwin to finally turn around and walk back but he continued looking at you in the eyes.
You slightly bent your head sidewards with a smile, "Do you still need something?"
Erwin took a moment to reply, but when you saw his blue eyes glimmering and his mouth forming the most benign smile you've ever seen of him under the yellow night lights, your heart swelled further.
"He offered his heart for humanity's freedom. His wings soared higher than anyone standing here on the ground. He will never be forgotten." None of you dared to speak after that, as if paying your highest regards for the fallen comrade and loved one.
This might be a small moment to look back to once you're set on another deadly expedition; but for those who are left behind, standing beside each other with smiles warmer than everything else is proof that even if the people they deem important are gone, they will certainly be remembered even during the brightest of times.
Their deaths weren't meaningless, their lives weren't in vain, because you stand here on this very ground to remember what they died for, and to continue what they're fighting for.