You woke up with a throbbing head and just like a usual drunkard, you barely remembered everything aside from the fact that you want to disappear, too nervous for Erwin Smith, and dead drunk. Fortunately, the nighttime troubles are mild enough that crying with a bad hangover won't be necessary. It was gloomy but comforting, to say the least. The thought of Squad Leader Erwin not being a full-on scary bastard slightly eased your worries at the Erwin you have to face here. Furthermore, you faintly recalled an occurrence of him asking for repentance but you can't connect it to the lucid one. Nonetheless, it's a nice thing to imagine.
Your heart dropped in utter surprise when the door banged open and naked Isabel stood in her glory with wet hair. The towel that's supposed to cover herself is wrapped on her neck instead.
"Good fucking morning!" She shouted and you hissed in hangover pain. You threw a pillow at her instead of shouting back.
"All this for ensuring you end up home safely after being splattered on the floor!" She huffed and picked the pillow up. You looked at her in complete disbelief.
"What happened?" You exclaimed. "No, wait, never mind that. Put on clothes first. Please." She followed suit, completely thrilled to turn you into complete shame.
"So! We heard you wailing like a fucker outside, and when we rushed to you you're already knocked unconscious!" She beamed as if that was a very happy thing to know. "Make sure to apologize to Erwin though, you interrupted his smoke and made him carry you all the way here."
"Oh my god! What the fuck have I done?" Nothing but horrifying things, probably.
"Don't know. We just found him holding you from splattering on the ground completely. Saw his lighter and cig on the floor. What a waste, I thought. It seemed like the poor man caught you up even before lighting his smoke." You screamed in shame as you imagined what she said. There's no way you could recall something like that even if you pushed your brain to its fullest potential. Isabel seemed to be proud of your reaction so she clicked her tongue to say more. "So things happened. Mom picked your fucked up body, Levi glowered at Erwin because he thought Erwin did you badly—like punching you dead or something. Don't know. I also thought he knocked you out into silence because you're noisy, but that man's too gentle to do that." Then she wiggled towards you. "But I'm sure you'd get elated when I tell you my brother went like 'What have you done?', something like that to him! He looked so concerned for you! You're gushing, aren't you? You're all over Levi, aren't you!" You continued screeching in your pillow, too caught up to even clarify you stopped liking Levi a long time ago.
And oh god have mercy, she's not done speaking.
"Then instead of just letting us go home after a tiring day, you made Erwin drive here with me and Levi. But don't you worry, we ensured you're tucked in nicely." She chuckled devilishly. "When my brother said your mother doesn't seem to be coming home anytime soon— well it's three in the morning after all— they told me to sleep with you! So here I am, your guardian and savior. Kiss my foot while you're at it." She flashed it on you.
"Then why didn't you bring me to your place instead! That would save everyone from so much bother!"
"Well, we thought your mom would be home! She's not in our house after all!"
"Oh my god." You sat and curled up on your knees. Never mind the relatively better dream, never mind the hangover. You just want to bury yourself down the ground.
"Oh, don't be so sad! You have no idea how amused we are seeing you that wasted. You finally let your guard down after a long time of being tensed as fuck! I think the last time I remember you causing a commotion was in high school."
"You are the one who caused that ruckus back then. And bad for you, you didn't see me faint on my first day at Erwin's class." You howled.
"What! God, I should've gone to college. Can't believe I missed something like that!"
You shot her a glare. "You're fucking terrible. Get out of here."
"I'm joking! It's not like I can enter a uni like that, fucking smart ass!" She huffed and slapped your back. You just groaned weakly on the pillow in pain. "So what happened? Why did you faint? Were you even getting enough sleep? Did someone catch you when you fell? Let me take a look at your head." She grabbed and examined it carefully.
"No, I didn't bang my head. Historia's there when I fainted." And so you told her everything, including the thing about Erwin. You clarified that she doesn't need to believe you and that you just wanted to let it out. Much to your surprise, she really did believe you easily.
"Well, you're not the type to lie on something so serious. And I believe in spooky shit, it would be strange of me to not believe you." She flashed a thumbs up and a grin. "But we've known Erwin since Levi's college days. They both went to the same uni abroad. You must've seen him somewhere with us." You shook your head.
"I heard Erwin's a prominent writer, maybe you saw him in a magazine by coincidence before dreaming 'bout him." She prompted again.
"I don't read magazines and I never knew he's famous until you told me so. I took the major out of my will so I don't have many writers to look up either."
"That's weird. What does the Erwin in your dreams look like?"
"Horrifying, ruthless, cold, but in my recent dream, he's gentle. I think all my life I remember him as my commander, but when my dreams became vivid and subsequent he was just a squad leader. It's nothing important but the gist of his character is some dominant bastard."
"That's way too far from his actual attitude. He's very gentle and reliable. Knows a lot of things and is heavily aware of his surroundings. How do I describe him…" Isabel mused. "Ah! I heard we're just using ten percent of our brain but he uses his in a hundred percent! Believe me!"
"He's that great?" You lamented. Isabel's overreacting but it might not be far from the truth.
"He is! Not as great as Levi, but great enough to be parred with him! And now that I think of it, he would certainly look good as a leader. When I first saw him he really had a very intimidating vibe. But maybe that's just because he's huge. He could easily squish you into a pulp if he wants to."
"I don't think he'd ever want to squish me like a pulp."
"Don't you want to, though? He's hot!"
Your phone alarm went on loudly and realized you must be preparing for your afternoon classes by now. Also, this kind of talk with Isabel would lead to nothing but disaster. "I have a class with him today. Kill me."
"Yeah, after you eat. To die with your stomach full is to die without regrets." She jumped out of the bed to ready herself as well.
Upon your jittery arrival at the cafe, you immediately noticed Historia waving from her seat with her laptop open. Isabel scowled at her presence. "Don't go to her. Eat with me instead."
"I've had enough of you being a naked crackhead. Now stop mixing me in whatever beef you've had with people."
"I'm done with that beef. I just started to dislike her all over again when I discovered Furlan got a crush on her."
"I don't have the time to tolerate your brother complex as well."
"No! It's just much better when it's you who Furlan likes. Gives me more security 'cause I know you're a good girl."
"She's a good girl. She just got a girlfriend so Furlan doesn't stand a chance." When you turned to her, you laughed and ruffled her hair. "And you're not a kid anymore. Stop pouting like that."
"I know and I don't care, but she's certainly not a good girl." Isabel puffed and stomped towards where Furlan was because she knew you'd go to Historia nonetheless.
"Hey, I brought what you asked of me. Sit down." She faked a cough and channeled her low man voice. "So, what I'll be reporting today is Mr. Erwin Smith's background." Then grinned playfully afterward. You shot her a dead stare in repulsion. She seemed to be in an awfully good mood today. "He may not be too famous here, but he's insanely prominent in some countries. He's known to go to lots of places all over the world as if it's his calling in life. Had many books published under his name, from literary pieces to academic journals. Oh my god, he's a big-time in your field. No wonder he got accepted to teach in our uni so fast. Why don't you know him?"
"I would if I was passionate enough." You sighed awfully and slouched your head on the table, very much contrary to Historia's glimmer. "When he's this good then I won't be able to avoid him for the rest of my life. I shouldn't have pursued writing at all."
"No sulking yet, I'm not done with my report." She tapped on your head continuously until you raised it again. She turned her laptop on you. "Look at this website. He got all his creative pieces in here. From personal drabbles, book promotions, his credentials, even." You browsed all the books under his name and indeed, the covers are awfully familiar. You're certain you saw Levi reading some of it.
"Now, the first piece that made him boom in the market was a short story called "A Bird in a Cage". It was published in an anthology featuring five other authors. The title sounds as angsty as your dream so I tried my best to look for a free PDF but it seems like we really need to buy it." You just nodded away and so she continued. "I browsed the reviews and it seems like a simple short story that's easy to read, something to be put on high school Literature books or something. It's about a civilization stuck on an island with no other neighbor lands, only the sea around them."
There it is. The terrifying reminder again.
A civilization unaware of everything outside them, trapped in a small land with an imminent threat to life— there's no way such similarity is coincidental. The thought of Erwin Smith having the same thing as yours made your blood run cold. You'd rather kill yourself, seriously, than see any possibility of that world being real in any way. It can't be real. You ran away from it all your life. It won't be fair to have it slapped on your face now.
"Would you like me to buy the book?" Historia asked as the thrill in her voice completely diminished. If ever this is the worst-case scenario and you'd be able to have answers worth all the years of your life with just this book and Erwin Smith himself, you won't be able to take it just yet. Sounds resonated in your ear again; stomps of titans, horrifying screams, your heart racing as loud as your innate willto survive, and your family being messier than it already is. You shook your head no to answer her question. No running thoughts but the danger that you'd be crushed by a monstrous titan the time you set foot outside this cafe.
It took a while until Historia's voice and presence came back to you and now she's gripping your hand tightly. "You're not in danger, okay? You'll be with me when you see him later, and I am your reminder that things are normal. This isn't the world in your nightmare." She ran her thumb on your hands in circular motions.
You let out a sad laugh in concurrence. "I just thought I'd rather see this occurrence as a hallucination or pure coincidence. I don't think I could ever ready myself to think otherwise."
"Then don't. You really don't need to have answers to everything. If this is what would make you go on and survive then so be it. It's not like we'll go away with whatever choice you'd make."
"Right. I apologize. This isn't supposed to be heavy."
"I'm not the one to decide whether it's heavy or not. If this feels like too much for you then it really is heavy." Historia replied firmly then just urged you to finish your food quick.
Indeed, having someone to accompany you whenever you cross paths with him is helpful. However, this is just the first session of his class and you have two more before you could drop it. You have to get accustomed to his presence one way or another because the last thing you want to become is someone utterly reliant on others. You've burdened them enough. You thought about anxiety meds but it can only do so much. There has to be a change in this situation so you can move forward.
Well, there really is a way to change this situation. I'm just too afraid to take it because it could do more harm than good.
You were completely a statue the time he entered. Not even a grip on the pen nor a glance away from the whiteboard was granted by your own body. When the lesson's over and you were grouped into six, the students moving all around finally eased the tension in your muscles.
"How did we end up with this subject?" Ymir lamented. "It's very heavy on requirements and each activity takes a lot of time to finish. It's all fucking writing."
"Because it's a writing subject. I can't believe you enlisted this when you don't even have the slightest idea how to write." Historia scoffed.
"I thought it'd be easy as fuck, and I just want to be in the same class as you. Shouldn't have done that."
"That said…" Armin started in his usual shy voice. "How did you guys end up taking this subject? Except for those who were required to take it like us." He pointed at you.
"It's also required for me." Historia raised her hand slightly.
"You forgot about it?" Eren frowned at Armin. "When you discovered that this subject could be taken by students in any degree program, you begged us to do it so we could be classmates. You have no idea how much I regret it now."
"Armin bribed me with food," Mikasa replied flatly, and so you realized this would be a hard one— having group mates with utter disinterest in the course.
At first, it dismayed you that this group will be permanent until the end of the semester especially because most of the heavy activities aren't graded individually. But then again, it's not like you'll pursue this subject at all. Despite feeling bad at Armin who'd be left behind by then, you have no luxury to mind other people when Erwin's involved.
The activity somehow distracted you from being bothered by it altogether but when your eyes landed in the direction in front of you, Erwin was standing nearby. He's completely immersed in the paper he's been holding and you were too dumbed to look away. Perhaps it was your mind trying to grasp how different this man is to prove that the nightmares are just mere nightmares.
His attention stopped on the paper and as he looked around again, he caught your eye. He didn't hesitate to reciprocate the gesture, his look was asking, even, for you to speak your concerns. Apart from it was the sense of familiarity because the time your face changed into dullness and dread, he seemed to know the reason why and how to respond to it— gentle and reassuring.
No way he's the same man— but wait. He might be. Actually, no. He can't be.
Your head rang painfully again. You shut your eyes tight and held on your temples.
"Are you okay?" Historia inquired.
"No." You looked down the ground. "If he won't let me drop him I'll drop the whole college. I'll go with Isabel and forget all my responsibilities in life."
"Hey, look at me." And you did. "I'm real, right? Not with the military, not even with the military leader. Just here in the classroom, pretending to be a good girl." She flashed a wide grin.
You snorted at that. "You really are good at pretending to be one." But then again, for some reason, you could still associate that line in the world of your nightmares. Why is that?
"Yeah, I lived my life like that."
Despite his stare that's still noticeable from your peripheral, you repeated Historia's remark: not in the barracks, not threatened to be eaten alive, not scared shitless of your squad leader, not even with disgusting titans. You're in the classroom, trying to survive college despite being left behind, and this man is your professor— a prominent writer, and a man who seems to like winning arguments a lot.
When the class was concluded and the number of students decreased, you're still glued to your seat for reasons unknown. Are you about to ask him about your life? Or just apologize? He carried you twice now, so much for expressing your disdain for his presence every single time. Then your ponders shifted into scrutinizing his features, his long sleeve polo shirt tightly clasped on his body (if you're not scared of him you'll be amazed at how perfectly chiseled it is), the trivial features of his face such as eyebrows curling as he remained indulged with whatever he's reading, his thin silver glasses, and— oh no. Now he's looking.
"Here you are. How are you feeling?"
"I'm sorry for causing you inconvenience last night. I was very irresponsible and rash for drinking that much and ending up on the ground."
"At least I saw you. It was past midnight when I noticed you outside. Completely drunk." Indeed, how shameful. Now do me a favor and kill me. "It's okay, though. We're able to ensure your safety and that's what's important." He added.
"No. Isabel told me it was three in the morning and we have classes. It must've disrupted your rest a lot."
"I don't mind. Just don't drink like that again when you're not with Levi's family. You won't be safe by then. Do you have any recollection of yesterday?"
"I remember everything before being dead drunk. I was nervous and tensed, and I felt bad for not being able to jive with the happy energy. But I don't remember myself going outside. Isabel said they heard me crying and by the time they went out, I'm already being held by you. Again, I apologize for my recklessness."
Erwin pondered for a while before speaking again. "You seem to be having a very rough time so I'm more than glad to help."
"It came to me that you carried me for two times now. That must be extremely inconvenient." You flatly blurted out.
He held back a smile, perhaps a sneer. "Again, I don't mind."
"You should." And realize this whole ordeal, and drop me. If not from this class then to my death.
"Well, do you mind? I apologize then." He sounded shy and apologetic, but he's not. He's about to laugh. Fuck. He's holding a damn laugh. "Do you perhaps prefer anyone else to carry you instead? I might not be there the next time it happens but I'll try to inform everyone of your preference nonetheless." And now he's trying to joke around.
Now you don't feel scared. You're completely embarrassed instead. When you pursed your lips tight and furrowed your brows in shame, he stifled a laugh. "I'm kidding. Sorry. It must've been hard for you, but don't beat yourself up for it."
Pointing it out makes it even worse. "No, I'm rather thankful about it." You forced a lie.
"That so?" His smile widened a bit. He knows it's a lie. "If you're thankful then might as well tell me how's your first session in my class."
You're screaming in your mind, and it's getting evident with the flush creeping up your face. Still, you responded. "It's no denying that the requirements are heavy and it would really make me learn a lot of things. But I don't think I could make up for all of it considering my condition."
"That's why we have extra sessions, so I could make sure you're keeping up with the pace that suits you. That said, could you tell me what time you're available so we–"
"Actually!" You stood up and cut him off abruptly. "I'll try harder to compensate so extra sessions wouldn't be necessary."
"You really don't need to pressure yourself like tha–"
"Ah, my stomach hurts. Might be the hangover." You faked the pain with a weak mumble. He's about to laugh again. A car throwing you off the road would be less tormenting. "Thank you so much for your consideration. I'll try to compensate for it somehow." Then turned your back on him to hurriedly leave the room.
"Wait, you dropped something–" Erwin pointed out but you ignored his remark. Whatever that is, nothing's more important than saving your grace and shambling mind.