Guy Business sat calmly at his desk. Taking in the refreshing silence of his office, he gave a sigh of relief. It had taken all week to get rid of all the dildos that were piled floor to ceiling, and having someone swearing at him and playing out-of-tune country music through the window didn't make the weekend cock removal any easier. He still wondered how Suction Cup Man had managed to get the entire pile of toys inside his office in one night, but he didn't care enough to give himself a migrane wondering about it.
Still dubious that he'd be able to have a day truly free of that suction-cupped manaic's shenanigans, he checked his clock. 10 AM. Perhaps he finally did get his day of peace; normally, he'd have been yelling outside his window for an hour at this point in the day. 'He's as big an asshole as they come', he thought to himself, 'but at least he kept his promise.' At last, finished stressing over his ongoing feud with Suction Cup Man, Guy clicked out the tip of his pan, and began signing his forms, relaxing in the pure zen of bureaucracy.
Meanwhile, two miles outside Vertiburg city limits, a rhythmic sucking sound could be heard echoing through the mountain range. The noise had scared away birds and deer, but no human was around to be bothered by it. Nobody except for Suction Cup Man, but the noise was his way of causing trouble; the only thing that was bothering him was his lack of people to yell at. "Sheesh. You'd think there'd be more dumbasses out hiking on a day like this. I gotta find a better place to climb on the weekdays, this shit's boring!"
After hours with nothing to yell at but birds, and nobody to call a bitch but the occasional cougar, the purple-clothed hooligan finally made it to the top of the mountain. Still, nobody. Maybe there was some weird rumor about this mountain that he hadn't heard, and that was why nobody was hiking up it. Or, maybe everyone in Vertiburg was just too much of a bitch to go hiking. He didn't know, or really care; he just wanted something less boring to fill his day. Although, there was a rather interesting cave at the summit. Maybe he could at least find a family of bears or something to harass.
"Hello! Any stupid animals in here?" Suction cup man called into the darkness of the cave, but the only answer he got was an echo of his own voice. "-nimals in here?" As the cave returned to silence, he couldn't help but let out a snicker. "Bitch." His voice echoed back, quietly. "Bitch." He snickered again, louder this time. Then, he took a deep breath in. "A-biiiiiiIIIIIIITCH!" His voice went low to high like a vulgar slide whistle, volume increasing with pitch. The echo came back much the same; "biiiiiiIIIIIIITCH!" Suction cup man chuckled hard, barely restraining himself from laughing out loud. Yeah, he could blow a day this way.
"OOOOOOOOHHHHHH, I'm a bitch-" Suction Cup Man strummed a chord on his guitar as he sang. "-who's got no bitcheeeeeeees-" The sound of the guitar and his own off-key singing echoed back at him. "-To bitch at on a bitchin' monday morning!" He took a momentary break to gigle to himself, before properly breaking out in song. "'Cause I'm a bitchless bitch, got no bitcheeesss!" As the echo came back again he began harmonizing with himself. "I'm just a bitchless bitch, got no bitches! Yo! Who's a bitch? You're a bitch! I got no bitches here to call my bitcheeeEEEOOOOH, FUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuu..." The discordant singing faded out as he fell, having tripped on a root he was too busy singing to notice, and fallen down a hole he was likewise too busy to realize was there.
"...uuuuuUUUUUUUUCK, FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK OH SHIT WHERE DID THIS FUCKING HOLE COME FROM!" Suction cup man panicked, cursing a blue streak as he floundered to put his guitar away and get out his set of suction cups. "FUCK FUCK FUCK, WHO LEAVES A GIANT FUCKING HOLE IN A MOUNTAIN, WHAT IS THIS SHIT!" He managed to strap two cups to his feet. "C'MON, COME THE FUCK ON, GOTTA SUCK THE WALL, GOTTA SUCK THE WALL!" He struggled to make contact with the edges of the hole he'd fallen into, in an attempt to stop himself, but in a sickeningly plot-convenient turn of bad luck, he was too far from the edge to reach. "FUCK THIS, I'M TOO COOL FOR THIS SHIT, I'M SUCTION CUP MAN! LOOK AT ME GO!" He hurled one of his suction cups at the cave wall. It stuck on perfectly, and he watched it rise up out of view. "Ok yeah I don't know what I expected there also AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"
He awoke lying on a bed of flowers. 'There's a pun in here somewhere,' he thought, 'but I'm too sore for that.' His whole body ached. This was worse than when the cops shot him off of that businessey dummy's tower. How the hell deep was that pit? He got an abrupt answer as the suction cup he'd thrown away earlier fell down and landed hard, right on his face. Apparently, pretty damn deep.
"Howdy!"
Suction cup man sat up abruptly. He didn't expect anyone to be down here. Did he finally have someone to talk to today? His excited expression turned to one of confusion as he beheld the face of a talking flower. "I'm Flowey!" The flower stated with a cartoonish smile, "Flowey the fl-" "Holy shit, a talking flower!" The flower's smile faded to a look of confusion for a moment. Stammering, the flower tried to recover. "F-flowey! My name is Flowey." "That's not a very imaginative name," Suction Cup Man fired back, "What, did your baby cousin name ya?"
"Dh-" Flowey stammered again, looking rather frustrated now. "s-screw you, I'm not good at coming up with names. Anyway hi! You're new to the Underground, aren't you?" "Are YOU new to DEEZ NUTS!?" Suction cup man was suddenly standing. He seemed to just kind of instantaneously go from sitting from standing. Flowey gave a confused grimace. How did he do that? Struggling to ignore the rude interruptions, he started again. "I- well, Golly, you must be so confused! Someone ought to teach you how things work around-" "Someone ought to teach you how to work DEEZ NUTS!"
Flowey had had enough. His face changed to a disturbing snarl, his voice suddenly much deeper. "OH WOULD YOU FUCKING QUIT IT ALREADY!" Unbothered by the sudden change of Tone, Suction Cup Man threw up his best sarcastic jazz-hands. "Oh well EXCUUUUSE ME, ya buttercup-lookin' skank! I just got done falling down a fucking pit!" "Yeah," growled Flowey, "and I'm TRYING to give you a proper greeting! Do you even know where you are!?" "I know I'm in the company of a BITCH!"
Flowey just sat there, agape. "What the fuck is wrong with yo-" "Hey, I wrote you a song!" Suddenly, Suction Cup Man was holding an acoustic guitar. Flowey couldn't help but wonder where the hell he'd pulled it from. "What the fu-" "Oh, I once met a bitch who's a flower! With petals all yellow like piss! So I-" "SHUT UP! Shut, UP!" Suction cup Man didn't get to finish singing. Something had shot through his guitar like a bullet, cracking it in half with a discordant TWONG of snapped strings. "I've had ENOUGH of your ASSHOLERY," Flowey continued, "Now FUCKING DIE ALREADY!"
With a sound like an abacus crying out in pain, a dome of stark-white pellets appeared in the air around Suction Cup Man. "The hell are these?" He asked, discarding one of the broken halves of his gutar. "They're friendliness pellets!" said Flowey, "Also known as DEATH!" Suction cup man scoffed. "Pfft, what, you think these are gonna-" He was interrupted by what happened when he poked the neck of his guitar against one of the pellets. The pellet exploded violently, shattering what was left of the guitar to splinters. He looked down at his hand, now containing only a few shards of mahogany. He looked back up at Flowey, a demonic grin stretched across the plant's face. He looked at the dome of deadly pellets, which had begun slowly closing in on him. He looked back at flowey, taking a moment to process his sudden realization: he was fucked.
He panicked. Dropping what little remained of his guitar, he began screaming. He tried to turn around and take off running, but was stopped when he was reminded that the dome was all around him, not just in one direction. He began looking around in a panic, his screams turning to swears. "OH GOD OH SHIT OH FUCK, FUCK NO, NO WAY I'M WAY TOO COOL TO DIE LIKE THIS! FUCK, FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK-" The string of fucks continued on as he started to slouch down, struggling to avoid bumping his head on the now-disturbingly-low ceiling of death. Before long he was on his knees, that distorted laugh of Flowey's mingling with his own profanity. He crumpled himself even tighter, finally tucked into the fetal position, and with that it was back to wordless screaming as his eyes clenched shut. There was nothing he could do. The dome closed in, closer, closer, closer...
Ping!
The screaming had gone quiet. Mouth still wide open, Suction Cup Man cautiously opened one eye. The dome was gone. He had felt something brush against him, and then there was that ping sound and now... This. He shut his mouth, looking around in confusion from the fetal position. Finally, he looked Flowey dead on, to ask a simple question: "The fuck was that!?" Flowey stammered, "Jh- fuck you! I swear, this never ha-"
The flower was interrupted by a burst of flame that had swept across the floor, uprooting him and sending him flying, charred, into the darkness. Quietly, a huge goat-lady in a purple robe stepped into the light. She was a head taller than Suckman himself, but looked oddly... Serene? Calmly, she began to speak. "What a horrible creature, tortur-" "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!?" Suction cup man was back to his feet again. The goat-lady held up one finger to indicate it was still her turn to speak. "I am Toriel, caretaker of the-" She was intterupted again. "Toriel? Oh, oh, I get it. No, don't tell me, you're gonna teach me how to get through wherever this place is."
Toriel's peaceful expression turned to one of intense annoyance as she glared at Suckman. Then, just as suddenly as it had appeared, her glare faded. "As a matter of fact, yes I am. I am the caretaker of the ruins, and-"
"Okay look," Suction Cup Man interrupted yet again. "Flowey the flower? Toriel the tutorial goat? Does everyone down here have a pun for a name?" Toriel's glare returned, this time to stay. "More or less, yes. It is in fact a very fondly-held tradition, started by- I- where are you going?"
Suction Cup Man had begun climbing the wall, sucking his way up the side of the dark room. He turned to face Toriel, glaring right back at her. "I'm leaving!" He shouted. Toriel stammered, "You jus- you can't just leave!" "Fuck you, watch me!" Suction Cup Man yelled back, not bothering to finish talking before he resumed sucking his way up the wall. Toriel simply watched him for a moment, then called up to him, "Look, I don't mean it would be rude, I mean there is literally a-" Suction Cup Man shouted over her, "Don't care, fuck you, have fun in your hole!"
With that, Toriel simply stood there glaring as she watched the human climb his way up the same shaft he had fallen down. As he rose up out of sight, suction cups sucking and popping all the way, she gripped the bridge of her nose and muttered under her breath, "Seven in a row. Don't know why I fucking bother." With that, she turned and left in a huff. Maybe baking something would help her calm down after this unpleasant encounter.
...
Now upside down, Suction Cup Man made his way down the other side of the shaft he had been climbing. Any semblance of a smile had passed from his face, and he was back to his usual scowl, deepened by his disappointment. Finally, he reached the ground, and with a sad sigh, began tucking his suction cups away in his backpack. For a moment he wondered what he did to deserve this, then realized his regular tormenting of a certain business idiot snugly fit the bill. He still mentally told the universe to fuck off, regardless.
"Well, well, well. Enjoy your climb, suck boy?"
Suction Cup Man's scowl deepened even further as he turned to meet a familiar yellow-petaled face. "The fuck do you want?" "Well," started Flowey, "I'd like to gloat a bit, maybe savor your suffering, enjoy a nice big slice of hatred pie, and maybe if I'm feeling energetic get a bit of laughing at your pain in." Suction Cup Man simply shot back, "Fuck you." Flowey let out a long, haughty cackle.
"Look, was anyone gonna tell me about the fuckin' giant force field?" Asked Suction Cup Man. "Were you ever gonna stop being an asshole?" Flowey shot back. "Fair enough," said Suction Cup Man, "so are you gonna tell me what the deal is about it, or are you just gonna keep laughing at me?" Flowey chuckled. "I can do both! That thing is what's known as the barrier. A certain "tutorial goat" might have told you about it, if you hadn't interrupted her. Instead, you have to get your knowledge from the world's worst source of information: me!" The flower chortled, its evil smile returning. Suction Cup Man facepalmed. Things weren't supposed to turn out like this.
"Okay," started Suction Cup man, "so there's a magical force field up there. How did I get in? Is there another way out?"
With a smile, Flowey said, "It's the damnedest thing, you see - it only works one way! And, it covers the whole underground in a big sphere. We've tried digging out, but it's no good. There's no escape!" Suction Cup Man's eyes narrowed. "Are you SURE there's no escape?" "Well," said Flowey, there is ONE way, that's spoken of in legend... Too bad I'm not gonna tell you that!" Then, with one last evil chortle, Flowey vanished into the earth.
Suction Cup Man took a deep breath. This certainly wasn't how he wanted to spend his day, or possibly tomorrow at the rate things were going, but he decided he may as well make the most of it. Thus, one foot in front of the other, he set about his search for bitches to yell at. And, secondarily, a way out.