A/N: So last night was…not it. I haven't had the chance to watch live yet but from what I've heard they really screwed up and it was terrible. I had wanted to get this posted before the episode, but I think we are all in need of fix-it-fics today, so here you go. This is now a three-shot because I kept getting writer's block and finally decided to just split it. Also, a quick disclaimer, this chapter was started before the first episode of this arc so there are some things that are different because I didn't feel like changing them. I hope you still enjoy.

Trigger warnings for discussion of the Lewis arc apply, as well as the BX9 attack. Please proceed with caution.

Thank you Livia for beta reading ?

Fin was quiet, wanting Olivia to be the first to break the silence if she wanted to. She was staring at the ceiling, and if he wasn't sitting close by he might wonder if she'd fallen asleep.

"I was pretty hard on him, wasn't I?" she sighed. "I don't know what came over me, I just…I got so angry all of the sudden." She didn't wait for Fin to reply before she continued. "He thinks he can just come back after ten years of nothing and act like no time has passed."

She decided to leave out that Elliot had asked her out a few times. Her sergeant didn't need that ammunition.

"Part of me wants to feel bad. He has been so good to me tonight, but there's so much we haven't talked about yet. There's so much I'm not over, and when he said that…" she shook her head. "I thought, what a prick. 'Whoever the hell he was doesn't stand a chance, not with me here.' As if he didn't already get a fucking chance!"

"Stabler's always been protective of you, Liv, but he's also always been an idiot."

She snorted. "Clearly. I just-where was his protectiveness back then?"

"I think that's something you should ask him if and when you feel up to it, because he owes you answers. But can I say one thing?"

"Remember that I have control over your pension, but yes," she replied half-jokingly.

"I really don't think he knows about Lewis. I don't know how, unless he was living under a rock, but-"

"Oh I know he doesn't know. I haven't let myself even consider that he knew and did nothing. I can't handle that, but he should have known, Fin. He should've been here," she spoke through gritted teeth. "I know that what happened to me wasn't his fault, but there's a part of me-" she trailed off, unsure whether to voice her thoughts.

"A part of you that blames him?" Fin supplied, and Olivia felt guilt prick at her.

"It sounds cruel, doesn't it? It's unfair of me, because there's no way to know he could've prevented it. Lewis might've killed him and taken me anyway, but I can't get past this feeling that if Elliot had been here things might've gone differently. The way Lewis was fixed on me in that interrogation room? Elliot wouldn't have let me go home alone. We would've fought about a detail until I finally gave in and let him drive me home, and he would've kicked my door in the minute I didn't blink my lights."

Blink your lights when you get inside.

You're just gonna sit out here all night until I do, aren't you? You stubborn son of a bitch.

Yes, I am.

"Tonight I lay there on that street, and as I closed my eyes, I was forty-five again, staring out into the crowd outside the beach house, looking for-" she swallowed when her voice cracked, unwilling to let Elliot Stabler be the reason for her tears. "He should've fucking been there."

"I should've." Elliot's voice filtered into the room from the doorway. His eyes were bloodshot, his cheeks were wet, and he looked destroyed, devastated. "I'm sorry. I know you told me to go, but I couldn't. Not while those animals are out there. I had to make sure you were okay."

"El-" she softened slightly at the sight of his pained expression.

"Can I come in?" his voice was hesitant, but hopeful. "We don't have to talk. I just-all I know is that something happened to you that I wasn't here to protect you from, and I would never forgive myself if I failed at protecting you again. I won't ever forgive myself for whatever I wasn't here for either, and I don't expect you to forgive me."

"Elliot, I don't wanna talk about-"

"We don't have to," he rushed to assure her. "We don't have to. Whatever it is, it's on your terms. I only wanna know what you are comfortable with me knowing."

Fin took that as his cue to stand and leave the room, saying he would step into the hall to give them some privacy.

Elliot took a cautious step into the room as if he felt unworthy to be in her presence after learning how much he had failed her. "Olivia, can I come sit by you? Please?"

To his relief, she nodded. He quickly moved to the chair Fin had been sitting in and pulled it up to the bed, leaning forward with his arms on the mattress. His hands ached to touch her, to reassure himself that she was alive, but he didn't. He was afraid to let her out of his sight — not that he would tell her that —, so he didn't want to risk being kicked out again.

"I'm not gonna apologize for being angry or yelling at you," her voice was firm, but he could hear the exhaustion.

"You have every right to be angry."

"I do, but I am sorry for blaming you. That wasn't fair. There's only one person responsible for what happened to me, and he's dead. Lewis is dead. He can't hurt anyone anymore, and it was nine years ago, but sometimes…"

"Time doesn't erase trauma. Healing is a lifelong process."

"I'm aware of that, Dr. Stabler, thank you," she quipped, thankful for a moment of levity. "I know it is. I've been in therapy a long time, and I don't have as many nightmares as I used to, but tonight was triggering."

Elliot couldn't resist placing one of his hands on top of hers for comfort, and he was grateful when she didn't pull away. "I can't imagine. If I get my hands on those bastards," he growled.

"El-"

"I mean it. I just need five minutes alone with them. I'll tear them apart."

"I know you would, but I don't think you being in prison would do either of us any good."

"No one who hurts you deserves to take another breath."

She could feel the murderous rage radiating from him, and it gave her a long overdue sense of being avenged somehow, at least partially. "I told Lewis that. I told him you'd break every bone in his body."

"Oh, I would've done more than that. I would've chopped him to pieces and fed him to a pack of wolves."

"Wow, that's an image," she smirked.

"Want me to dig up his corpse? Mutilate his skeleton?"

She couldn't fight back the small smile as she looked at Elliot. He was always her fierce protector, even after a decade apart. "You can spit on his grave if you want," she joked.

"Spit on it? I'll take a piss on it," the conversation was light, but she knew he was dead serious.

She laughed and shook her head. "I'm sure the people who own and maintain the land he's buried on would love cleaning that up."

"They can use it for compost. It'll help the soil."

She rolled her eyes, but couldn't deny that it would be very much deserved. "El."

"What?" he was grinning back now, and the look in his eyes filled her with warmth. It was that old, familiar recognition, that underlying certainty that permeated their partnership: this man would do anything for her.

Except stay, the dark part of her mind whispered, and she looked away from him, the moment ruined.

"Olivia, I-" A knock at the door interrupted Elliot and reminded Olivia that her hand was still wrapped in his. She moved her hand back to her lap, feeling disappointed at the loss of contact, but trying not to show it.

"Sorry to interrupt, Liv," Fin poked his head in. "Duarte is here and needs your statement if you're feeling up for it."

She told him it was ok for them to come in, and Elliot asked her if she wanted him to step outside. She considered it, but decided that, since he had been the one to find her, he might as well stay. He already had the images in his mind. Besides, even though she wasn't going to say it out loud, his presence was comforting, and provided her with extra strength.

"How are you holding up, Captain?" Duarte approached her cautiously, noting Elliot's protective presence next to her bed. He seemed on edge, like he wanted to snarl at anyone who came near her.

"You know, compared to other injuries I've had, this really isn't that bad." Fin and Elliot raised their eyebrows. "I mean not now. Obviously it was earlier, but they've given me stuff for pain, and it could've been worse."

"Could've been worse!?"Elliot snapped. "Those bastards broke your ribs, kicked you in the face, and that's not that bad?" He turned to the other Captain in the room. "Duarte, I want five minutes alone with them. I'll snap their necks!"

"Elliot," she scolded, giving her partner a death glare.

"Sorry," he huffed and ran a hand down his face.

"Like I said, I'm ok," she paused and then amended it when both Fin and Elliot opened their mouths to speak. "Now I'm ok," she put a hand on Elliot's shoulder, feeling the need to defend his outburst. "Detective Stabler is the one who found me. It was unexpected and upsetting, to put it mildly."

"We'll need your statement too, then, Detective," Duarte stated.

"Of course," Elliot's muscles relaxed under Olivia's touch.

She took a deep breath, eager to get this over with.

"I was walking home, and I sensed a presence behind me," she swallowed hard, memories of another time she gave a similar statement threatening to invade her mind. "I pulled my gun, despite what my Chief seemed to think, and turned around. There were two men. It was dark, so I didn't get the best look at their faces, but one of them had a machete. I identified myself as NYPD and demanded that they drop their weapons."

"Did they identify themselves as BX9?"

"Well, they said I'd messed with the wrong gang, and there was more graffiti on the outside of my apartment building, so I figured it out pretty quickly." She continued when Duarte nodded. "They didn't respond, so I repeated my demand for them to drop their weapons and put their hands up. Before I could do anything else, two more gang members rode up on motorcycles out of nowhere. I should've paid more attention-"

"Don't," Duarte reprimanded softly. " You were focused on the threat in front of you. None of this was your fault, Captain."

"Umm…one of the men on the motorcycles hit me in the back with something. I don't know what it was, but they knocked me to the ground. The four of them surrounded me. I could see their faces better, obviously."

"Would you be able to describe them to a sketch artist? We will check for surveillance footage as well."

"Yes. One of them made a comment about seeing Noah playing at school today. I don't know how the hell they knew-"

"We're gonna figure it out."

"I kicked him. I still had my gun on them, and I warned them that I would shoot. They said…they said that if I hit them again they would slit my son's throat," she couldn't hide the panic or anger from her voice. She had to pause, clenching her fists so her hands would stop shaking. "I should've just shot them, but I hesitated."

"You weren't a Captain at that moment. You were a mother, and a victim," Elliot interjected before Duarte could.

"I know that, El. I just-" she shook her head and continued, focusing on Duarte again. "They managed to get my gun when I froze. I tried to get off the ground, and that's when they started kicking me, beating me. Everywhere. I could barely move. I thought I heard voices in the distance, so I screamed. They held the machete up to my neck and said I would pay for that. They must have heard what I had too, because it spooked them enough to leave me there. I passed out, and the next thing I remember is waking up and seeing Detectives Stabler and Whelan."

"Did you see the perpetrators when you arrived on scene, Detective Stabler?"

Elliot cleared his throat as the images swirling his mind of Olivia's attack were interrupted. "I only saw them from behind as they rode off. My focus was on Oli-Captain Benson," he amended, referring to her professionally in an effort to hold back the rage he felt towards her assailants.

You're giving a statement. Treat it like any other case.

He tried to tell himself that, but it wasn't just another case. It was his partner, the love of his life, and the more details he heard, the more he wanted to go out and avenge her.

Duarte wrote something on his notepad before speaking again. "I assume they're discharging you? Do you know where you are staying tonight, or would you prefer a safe house?"

"Where I'm sta-I'm going home, Captain. Back to my apartment," she ignored Fin and Elliot's protests as she continued. "I'm not letting them scare me away from there. I just need to find somewhere safe for Noah to go and put a detail on him."

"You're getting a detail too. We need you both safe," Duarte argued.

"I don't need a detail. I'm a cop. I can protect myself. My son is in more danger than I am. He should be your priority."

"Olivia," Elliot dropped the professionalism in an instant, his eyes pleading with her. "Please. I can't lose you. We can't lose you-"

"Elliot-"

"How about this," his eyes were locked on Olivia's as he spoke to Duarte. "She can go back to her apartment, but a squad car sits outside with detectives she trusts, and I will stay with her."

"Stay with me? I don't need a babysitter, and I outrank you, Detective Stabler." She gave him a hard glare that would have most people who weren't as stubborn as she was backing off, but it wouldn't work. Not with him.

"You've got a concussion, Liv. The doctors want you to be monitored," Fin reminded her in agreement with Elliot.

"A mild concussion," she corrected, and Elliot huffed in frustration.

"Damn it, Olivia. You have a son to think about. Why the hell won't you take your safety seriously!?" he snapped.

"Excuse me!? Would you like me to name all the times you, a father of five, engaged in reckless behavior? Because I will. Are you sure you want to play that card?" she challenged.

Elliot opened his mouth to respond, but stopped when he remembered they had an audience. "Can you guys give us the room for a minute please?"

"Aww man, I was hoping to get some popcorn, pull up a chair, and watch," Fin teased, and Olivia narrowed her eyes. He lifted his hands in surrender. "I'm going. I'm going."

"You've got a lot of nerve, Stabler. I'm a mother, so I can't do my job? What the fuck is that?"

"That's not what I said!"

"I've been doing this job without your protection for a long time, so you can spare me the heroics."

Elliot groaned. "I know you have. It's got nothing to do with whether or not you can do the job. It's-I can't stand the thought of you being hurt, ok? Seeing you lying on the street tonight was one of the most terrifying moments of my life."

Her expression softened a little. "Because it triggered your PTSD from when Kathy was killed. I'm sorry, El. I didn't mean to be insensitive. I should've-"

"No!" he took a deep breath and lowered his voice. "Kathy has nothing to do with it, Olivia. Do you really think-I get it, ok? I know I left. I know I broke your trust and gave you plenty of reason to doubt how much I care about you. I will spend the rest of my life making up for it. You're right, you don't need my protection, but you deserve it. You deserve someone to have your back. I know you can take care of yourself, but you deserve for someone to take care of you sometimes. Just because you can face the world alone doesn't mean you should have to."

She scoffed. "You know, I'm getting really sick of other people telling me what I deserve."

"Ok, you tell me then. What do you think you deserve?"

"I-" She shook her head, taken aback by the loaded question. Sure, there was a lot that she wanted. There was a lot the world was telling her she deserved, but voicing it out loud was too much, especially right now. At the top of the list? She deserved the Elliot that never left, but he couldn't give her that. They weren't the same people they'd been twelve years ago. He couldn't give her the Elliot from before 2011. She couldn't give him the Olivia from back then either. There was a part of her mind that whispered that she deserved this Elliot; the one who was in front of her, pleading with her to let him keep her safe. The one who had found her broken and bloody in the street and hadn't left her side since.

But she was afraid to trust that part of her mind. She wasn't sure she was ready for that wall to be knocked down yet.

"Olivia?" he prompted.

"I don't know, Elliot. I don't know what I deserve."

If he squinted, he thought he could see a hint of longing in her eyes when she replied, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

"I will never forgive myself for not being there for you nine years ago. That's gonna haunt me worse than what happened with Kathy, and it's not on you. It's on me. It's something I gotta live with."

"El-"

"Please hear me out? Please?"

"Ok," she conceded, but still prepared to argue if she didn't like what she heard.

"I wasn't there to protect you when I should've been, but I'm here now and I don't want to fail you again. Please let me stay with you. Let me keep you safe, because I'm the guy that's supposed to have your back. Let me keep you safe, because you mean everything to me, and I want to prove that to you. I want to earn your trust again."

"I-"

"And yes, because Noah is damn lucky to have you as his mother, and I know how much you always wanted to be one. I don't want to give some asshole a chance to cut that short. Please let me be your partner again. Let me protect you, if not for yourself, then for my own peace of mind."

The stubborn part of her wanted to tell him no, but the rational part of her mind told her that McGrath would likely put a detail on her anyway whether she wanted it or not. Did she really want to be stuck at a safe house making awkward small talk with some unis she didn't know?

"Fine," she sighed. "But I have conditions."

"Of course you do," he smiled knowingly.

"I am going back to my apartment. No hotel, no safe house, and not to your place. I don't want to give them the satisfaction of scaring me away from my home. Deal?"

"I don't like it, but I'll agree to it as long as you agree to let a uni stand outside your door, and a squad car outside your building."

"Come on, El. That's excessive if you are gonna be staying with me. A squad car outside my building. That's it."

"Olivia-" he started to protest, but she cut him off.

"Do you want me to let you stay or not?"

"Two cars then. Someone covering the front and back entrances."

"That's ridiculous."

"Keeping you safe is not ridiculous."

"Elliot, you're more capable of protecting me than a couple of unis."

"If it had just been one attacker, I would agree, but it's a gang, Liv."

"That probably isn't going to risk coming back knowing the NYPD is looking for them."

"Is that a chance you're willing to take? They took your gun. You'd be unarmed-"

"I've done this job for two decades. Do you really think I only have one?"

"Well…no, but-"

"I have a backup in my bedroom, Elliot, and you've got your service weapon on you. I'll be fine."

He sighed, dropping the argument for now. "What are your other conditions?"

"I want to see Noah before he goes to the safe house, and I want a burner cell so I can still contact him to know he is safe."

"Ok, but I am coming with you and staying close by," he was scared to let her out of his sight. Maybe it wasn't rational, but he couldn't help it.

"Fine."

"What else?"

"You have to take care of yourself too. Don't stay awake the whole night watching me sleep."

"Liv-"

"I mean it, El. This will hopefully only be a few days at the most, but you need to shower, sleep, and eat like you normally would. Don't neglect your health for me. That's an order, Detective," she told him sternly.

"I'll try my best, Captain," he doubted he'd get much sleep anyway. He'd be too consumed with worry and guilt, but she didn't have to know that.

"Ok, go out and tell them I'll accept the detail, and then find a doctor and tell them to give me the discharge papers." A large part of him was hesitant to leave her, and she rolled her eyes. "Fin and Duarte are right outside. I'm fine. Go. Now, Detective."

He gave her one last glance before stepping into the hallway to do as she asked despite being worried it was too early for her to be safely discharged. At least she agreed to let him stay with her, so he could bring her back if needed. He prayed to whoever was listening that he wouldn't have to.

Please just let her be okay. I've fucked up so many times. If anyone should be punished, it's me, not her.

X

The rain had changed to sleet by the time they left the hospital. Amanda had called to check on Olivia while she was being discharged, and told her she and Carisi could take Noah so he wouldn't have to go to a safe house with strangers. Carisi had picked Noah up from dance class and taken him back to Amanda's. She had talked to Noah on the phone and told him she would be there soon to see him, but that he would need to stay with Aunt Amanda and Uncle Sonny for a few days.

The roads had thankfully been salted, but Elliot was concerned there may be slick spots on the driveway.

"I know you're gonna kick my ass for this, but please walk slowly and be careful," he walked around to the passenger side, hovering close by as she stepped out of the car.

"It's not that bad, El."

"Still, I don't want you to get more hurt than you already are," he extended an arm to her. "Humor me? Please?"

She stepped closer and linked her arm with his, appreciating the extra warmth being next to him provided as the pellets continued to fall. She shivered thinking about how if she hadn't been found, she might still be on the street, freezing to death.

Elliot assumed her shiver was from the dropping temperatures and let go of her arm to wrap his around her shoulders, tucking her into his side. "This ok?"

She nodded when words didn't come. She felt incredibly safe like this, but also overwhelmed by so many confusing emotions that she didn't quite know how to voice. She didn't know what to do with this older, softer, more affectionate Elliot. He was more open than he'd used to be, and while she still knew him at his core, this was going to take some getting used to.

A squad car arrived shortly after they did, containing the detectives that would be in charge of keeping Noah safe for however long this took. They spoke to Olivia before she went into Amanda's house and promised her she had nothing to worry about. Her son would be protected at all costs. That did nothing to eliminate her worry, but she thanked them for the sentiment.

Saying goodbye was difficult. Noah clung to her, frightened that she had been hurt and claiming that he wanted to stay with her. He got upset when he was told he wouldn't be able to, but she promised him she would facetime him every night so he would know she was okay. Before letting go of her, he made Elliot promise profusely that he would protect her.

Light snow had started falling by the time Olivia and Elliot got back in the car. She leaned her head against the window and sighed, watching her breath fog up the cold glass.

"No child should have to live like this, El. I'm a terrible mother," she sniffled, and he reached over to squeeze the back of her neck.

"No, you're not. You didn't do anything, Olivia."

"My son is in danger because of me."

"No, your son is in danger because of BX9, and they aren't gonna be able to get to him."

"You can't promise me that."

"He's staying with two former cops while a detail sits outside. He'll have more protection than you will," he tried to reassure her.

"I know. I just-"

"You worry because you're a good parent. It's natural." The snow was getting heavier, and Elliot turned the heat up. "Are you warm enough? There's a sweatshirt in the back if you're cold."

"No, I'm fine."

He rolled his eyes. "I know you're always fine. I'm asking if you are warm enough."

"Yes. Thank you. Stop worrying about me."

"I can't help it. I'm your partner. It's natural," he grinned, and she tried to ignore the not anymore that came to her mind.

She wanted it though. She wanted him to be her partner so bad, in every sense of the word.

Elliot parked as close to the door of her apartment building as he could, thanking the heavens — and the protective detail — for the miraculous spot in Manhattan. He wanted to make sure Olivia wouldn't have to walk far on the increasingly slick sidewalk, and even though he knew she was probably right that the gang wouldn't come back tonight, he also wanted to get her safely inside as quickly as possible.

He stepped in front of her once she unlocked her door and pulled out his sidearm before stepping in. She watched as he turned on the lights and swept his arm, with his gun raised, across the living room and kitchen. "Clear."

"El, the door was locked. No sign of forced entry. There's no way someone could have-" the memory of another time she had thought that cut her off.

"I'm not taking chances," he responded anyway, knowing what she'd started to say. His overprotectiveness was both infuriating and comforting. He looked at her for permission before checking her bedroom and closets, and she nodded, deciding she might as well indulge him.

He checked Noah's room, too, and all the bathrooms, calling out 'clear' each time, letting her know she was safe even though she already knew she was.

It felt natural, domestic, to have him moving so swiftly through her place. She felt a burn low in her stomach when she heard him in her master bathroom. The new apartment had a pretty good-size shower, and she tried not to think of how it was enough room for two people.

"Where's your backup?"

His voice broke her from her thoughts as he came back into the living room. "In the closet by the front door. There's a locked cabinet on the top shelf. The code is your badge number. Don't ask."

He re-holstered his service weapon and opened the door, clearing his throat when he looked inside. "Uhh, Liv? When you said backup you didn't say you had a shotgun."

"It's supposed to be the best for home defense," she shrugged. It…I don't know, it just makes me feel safer. I've hesitated with a handgun on my hip before. I don't want that to happen again."

He wordlessly took the rifle from the closet and laid it on the table in front of the couch. Technically, it wasn't necessary with the detail outside and him having his own weapon with him, but he knew having control was important to her. Control had been taken from her too many times, so they would both be armed tonight if it made her feel safer.

Olivia had made her way into the kitchen and pulled two mugs from the cabinet. "You want some hot chocolate, El?" she asked a bit awkwardly, and he wondered if she was trying to make him or herself feel more comfortable with him being there.

"You are supposed to be resting, Captain Benson. Doctor's orders," he scolded lightly, taking the mugs from her hands and guiding her away from the counter. "You go lie down. I will make us some and get you some ice."

"Right," she rolled her eyes. "You have no idea where I keep stuff."

"I'm a detective," he grinned. "I'll figure it out." He checked to make sure the door was locked and turned on her fireplace. "See?" he walked over to the couch and fluffed one of the pillows, placing it behind her head as she stretched out on the cushions. "Comfortable? Do you need another pillow?"

"I'm fine," she closed her eyes for a second, and he grabbed the throw from the back of the couch and placed it over her. She started to snap at him again and tell him to stop fussing, but she was exhausted. And while she didn't want to admit it, being taken care of felt nice.

It reminded her of a time back when they'd been partners and she'd had the flu. He'd come over and made her tea, tucked her in, checked her temperature. That was also the case where she'd been framed for murder, and he'd mortgaged his house to bail her out of jail. She wondered if Kathy had ever found out about that.

It might explain the letter.

"Are these the only curtains you've got?"

She raised an eyebrow when his voice ripped her away from her thoughts, bewildered by his question. "Uh, yeah. Why?"

"They're see-through. They don't hide anything. Anyone could look in here and see you lying on the couch. It's not safe. I'll have mama make you some thicker ones."

"I'm on the fourth floor, Elliot. Come on."

He shook his head, worry filling his features. "Nothing covering the kitchen windows either. I don't like this, Liv. I think we should go-"

"I'm not leaving. It's as safe as anywhere else. I've got a detail. I've got you. I'm fine."

He sighed, knowing better than to argue with her. "Can I at least get you some better curtains?"

"You are not asking your eighty-two-year-old mother who probably has arthritis in her hands to make your ex-partner curtains she doesn't need just because you're overprotective."

"You know she'd have fun getting to make you something. She loves you."

"Then she can make me a scarf. The curtains stay."

"Fine," he handed her a mug of hot chocolate and gently placed an ice pack over her ribs, waiting till after she took a sip to give her a pack for her eye. "Does anything else hurt?"

"Not right now, thank you."

He walked back into the kitchen to retrieve his own hot chocolate and stood by the panel of windows, his gaze locked on the snow-covered street below. He was watching so intently Olivia wondered if his eyes would burn holes in the glass. He took a sip of his drink without blinking, not wanting to miss any potential threat. He wasn't going to fail her again.

"Are you gonna come sit down?" she sighed when he didn't respond. "Elliot, Reyes and Whelan are outside watching. There's no reason for you to stand there all night. That defeats the purpose of you being in here."

"I gotta protect you."

She was his church, and he was kneeling at the altar, prepared to bleed himself dry to atone for his sins, which in this case meant staying awake standing guard 24/7 until those who wished to do her harm were locked up or six feet under.

"From snowflakes?" she tried to joke but it fell flat. "You are protecting me. You're taking really good care of me. Except you did forget the marshmallows for the hot chocolate. They're in the pantry."

"Is that your way of trying to get me to move away from the window?"

"Yes, Detective. I am ordering you to get me some marshmallows. You can't have hot chocolate without marshmallows. You might as well just be having coffee."

"Liv-"

"If they notice anything suspicious they will call us. You trust them to have your back on the street, so you can trust them to have mine."

Elliot moved away from the window reluctantly. "Fine," He reached into her pantry and pulled out the bag of marshmallows, dropping a few into his mug before carrying it over to her.

"Thank you," she dropped a handful into her own mug and stirred it with the spoon. "Now sit."

For several minutes, they drank in a comfortable silence, watching the flames flicker in the fireplace, spreading warmth through the apartment. It was a cozy feeling that might lull some people to sleep, but they were both wide awake. They both knew they needed to talk, but neither one of them knew how to start the conversation.

"Are you warm enough? There's more blankets in the closet," Olivia spoke, looking at her former partner for the first time since he'd sat down.

"I'm good."

She stirred her hot chocolate mindlessly, feeling the elephant in the room growing with each clank of the spoon against the mug.

"Are we gonna talk about it?" Elliot instantly regretted his question when he felt her mood shift. Guard up, comfort over.

"Talk about what?"

"Any of it?"

"El, let's not, ok?"

"Then when? When are we gonna-I feel like we don't know each other anymore. I get it. I fucked up, and I understand why you've been distant-"

"I have been distant?" she winced when her sharp turn towards him caused her ribs to ache.

"I've asked you to lunch-"

"With my son. I told you I wasn't ready for that yet. You have no right to be upset-"

"I know. I just-I wanna fix this, us, Liv. I feel like I've lost you, and it's killing me. I wanna make this right."

"I don't know what the hell you want me to say to that, Elliot. You did lose me when you left ten years ago, and you haven't exactly been reliable since you showed back up out of nowhere, so forgive me if I'm hesitant!"

"Olivia-"

"No, you're gonna listen! You wanna fix us? Then act like it! You give me a letter full of lies, then you tell me you love me and that I mean the world to you, then I don't hear from you for three months while you go undercover fucking anything that moves-"

"That's not-"

"Oh, yes it is," she growled. "I know about Flutura and Angela, and you know what's the worst part? I don't have a right to be upset about the fact that you never choose, me because I never had a claim to you. You were married, and even when you weren't, you chose Dani Beck over me."

"No, I-"

"Shut up. You show up at my door drugged and tell me your wife wrote the letter aside from some part about parallel universes. You act like you want this to be a two-way street, like you want to know what the last decade has been like for me, but your first question is about my body count because even though you don't want me, you're a jealous son of a bitch. The only explanation I've gotten for why you ghosted me is that you couldn't hear my voice, which is bullshit, because you could've texted."

"I didn't want us to end, ok? I couldn't-"

She scoffed. "Well, we ended anyway, and then tonight happened, and-I'm so fucking tired, Elliot. I'm tired of the whiplash, the mixed signals. You're stressing me out."

"I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I hate myself for hurting you."

"You know what I'm the most sick of? Being discarded like I mean nothing. I'm sick of everyone leaving. I'm sick of watching from the other side of the glass while people who claim they care choose literally everything and everyone except me. I'm sick of being a fucking consolation prize! I'm sick of being too damaged for-"

"You're not. Jesus, Liv, I never-"

"Then why!?" her voice shook with rage, but he could hear the heartbreak, and the guilt was wrecking him. "Why didn't you say goodbye? Why didn't you at least-damnit, why? Why did I have to lose the person I trusted more than anyone else in the world? What did I do to deserve that?"

"Nothing. You didn't do anything. I was a coward."

"You broke my heart," her voice cracked, and he closed his eyes, too ashamed to look at her. "And to tell you the truth, I don't know how to get over it. I want to, but I don't-I don't know how you can fix it."

"Can-" tears clogged his throat. "Can I at least try?"

"How? You haven't given me any answers-"

"I-"

"Your flowery bullshit about how if you heard my voice you wouldn't have been able to leave isn't enough. It's not an explanation. You've gotta give me more than that."

"I'll tell you everything. I promise. Please," he was not above begging her, desperate to hold on to whatever was left of them. "If you don't like my answers, I'll leave-"

"Damnit, are you listening!? I just told you you broke my heart by leaving, and you're gonna do it again?"

"Only if it's what you want. I'm never voluntarily leaving you again. I promise."

"It's not what I want. It's never been what I want. I never wanted you to go. I just wanna know why. I wanna know why I wasn't enough. Why am I never enough?"

A/N: My original author's note was 'gonna try really hard to have the final chapter up before episode 12 destroys us all. We'll see.' ugh. I wasn't even expecting a kiss just a CONVERSATION, a hug/some comfort, anything. Instead we got an incredibly shallow poorly edited scene and Elliot being unrealistically/uncharacteristically cold/pushy with her and her being alone again. No healing like we were promised. I really don't understand why they thought pissing off/lying to a large section of their viewership was a good idea, especially from a marketing standpoint. We didn't really get realistic trauma aftermath portrayal either. I hope this helps some. Thanks for reading :)