Even before Erwin could finish his points of inquiry as to whether or not Levi was the only survivor of the attack, he was grabbed by the man on the neck. Everyone from the squad but you readied themselves to defend the squad leader until Levi shouted back with sheer threat and authority that people better stay where they are.
"I'm going to kill you, you fucking bastard. That's the only reason I'm here." Levi snarled. Erwin remained cornered, kneeling above the angered man.
"So they all died? I see." He said slowly upon realizing. A minute had passed before Erwin broke the horrifying silence. He grabbed an envelope from his sleeves. "These documents revealing Lobov's crimes were a dummy."
The realization that Erwin was ten steps ahead of them since the beginning filled Levi with horror. "You knew?"
Without hesitation, Erwin threw the documents in question on the ground. "Yes. And unfortunately, you're too late."
"What the fuck are you trying to say?" Levi pressed his sword on Erwin's neck further.
"These documents were a bluff. I discovered that Lobov was embezzling military funds and aims to suspend the Survey Corps for good. I started spreading false information about having these documents so I could lure him down and catch him myself. As expected, he hired people to spy on me and even made further actions that led him to his downfall." Your heart clenched as uncontrollable tears pooled down. You're aware he let them in despite that fact, but if he could gather the evidence himself believing that Lobov would do more than send spies then why did he involve the three in this just to die?
"You knew everything right from the start–" He paused as he shook in a complete rage. "–and yet you still dragged the three of us down into this shit?" You shut your eyes tight at him echoing your thoughts.
Despite an obvious threat to his life, Erwin didn't even hesitate to spit out more of the truth. "First was your exceptional military prowess. The second was to use you as partners to throw Lobov off, but to be honest with you there's no need to do the latter anymore," He paused. You glanced at Miche who seemed unperturbed by this. They really had this settled right from the start. Lobov is already finished even before you knew about him. "It's on Zackly's hands days before we embarked on this expedition."
There, Levi lost his composure as realization struck him as well. "It wasn't worth throwing away their lives! Is this it? Are these two nothing but pawns in your worthless game?" He gulped down. "What if we finish this off by having you lose then?" So Levi went for the kill and Miche stood ready to attack. However, Erwin was able to hold through the blades with his own hands.
"Worthless game?" He gritted his teeth. "Tell me, who's the one that killed my subordinates and your friends. Was it you? Was it me?" Levi tensed as the man kneeling at him continued gripping the blades. "D-do you really think– that if the three of you had come to attack me altogether–" He hissed as he struggled to push the swords further. "–Isabel and Furlan would then make it out alive?"
"That's right!" Levi shouted. "The two of them would survive if we did otherwise. This is all because of my pride–"
"No!" Erwin cut Levi off with a scream. "It was the titans, Levi!" Blood spilled down his hands. "Where did the titans come from? Why do they exist? Why do they eat people? We don't know! We're completely ignorant! And as long as we stay ignorant, they'll keep on eating us! We'll never turn the tables on them by staying inside the walls!" He continued. Despite busying yourself with collecting the bodies of the two, you were trembling at his words.
"Look around you! In this wide-open place, no walls are hindering us. In this wide-open place, there might be something to free us from our despair! But some people are keeping us from leaving the walls. They stay where danger can't reach them, obsessively thinking about their interests and fortunes. It's through them that mankind is being kept in the dark, for a hundred years, by these very walls!" The weakening raindrops ran through his fuming face. "What about you, Levi? Would your eyes remain in the dark as well? Tell me! Would you kill me and return to the dark underground?"
I figured at that moment he might be asking the same questions to me who's listening in the corner. You're aware of who those people are, so would you opt to make him the enemy instead? Would that solve your brother's death?
"We won't give up on going outside the walls. That's why you should fight with the Survey Corps, Levi! Humanity needs you!" Erwin screamed with utter resolve. Levi stood frozen and slowly, his blades left Erwin's grip.
The sun finally went up again with the clarity of the surroundings, which included the aftermath of the disaster– dismembered bodies from several squads, fallen horses, and the steam left from the titans Levi had killed. You stared at Furlan and Isabel's bodies, now cleaned and piled up. You noticed Levi follow your steps as you secure their bodies gently and surely. No words were uttered about it afterward. Erwin, with his very grim demeanor, made his way upon his horse and moved forward.
And so Miche dropped the command. "Hurry! We're heading for the supply wagon team to get sound grenades. We'll reform the corps using that point as a base. The titans might become more active once the weather clears up!"
Erwin paused slightly to take a look at the ground where bodies are splattered, then at you who had just finished picking them up. With the glint in his eyes you confirmed that indeed, he intended to ask you that question as well. He swiftly turned away and walked his horse as if nothing had happened and even if that was the case, he is not affected a tiny bit by it. You definitely understood what Vander had said about him appearing as a cold-blooded man without a hint of remorse, but he failed to dig deeper at some point. You failed to dig deeper into him. His resolve got a grueling price to pay– comrades, the grieving process, even his humanity. He needed to throw it all away just so he could go on with that resolve.
You recalled the things you said to him that day and while you still take some of those as facts proven by his actions, you seem to be putting unrealistic expectations on Erwin himself. Of course, he was affected when his friend died by saving him but that was his first time. Even though he has to take account of the cruel things he blurted out to his old friend, the entirety of his emotional response should not be taken against him.
The bodies continuously piled below him as he stood must've tormented him so much and it's unfair to assume otherwise. If being desperate for answers is the only thing he could do to keep going then you must recognize that as much as you recognize his flaws. You must stand here to acknowledge it as a part of him because he is your squad leader and you have to understand why someone dear to you held him with so much admiration. That's the only way you could move forward as well.
"We'll meet up with the vanguard leaders before our losses become any greater," Erwin screamed the final command as everyone finished assembling. "Soldiers, we'll all make it out alive!" He fumed, and with unwavering resolve, we moved forward together.
Move forward, I see.
It was a really bad idea to let yourself sleep. You're getting the benefit of feeling better a while ago only to be ruined by a short nap. You wrapped yourself in Isabel's spare futon and walked toward the balcony. The cold air draping your face almost helped you in orienting yourself until you realized this wind feels the same whenever you ride your horse outside the walls. It's needless to say that the attempt failed, as well as the next ones. It's more likely that you'd never be able to separate this nightmare from your actual life again.
Your nose started to moist because of the wind so you snuggled further on the futon. Not too long after you heard something clank and it made you jump– it was Erwin sitting on the balcony chair with a glass of wine and the moon shining on his glory. He looked at you the same, subtly but undeniably surprised at your figure.
"I thought I was already too drunk to start seeing things," He rested the glass down the table. "A walking futon at that."
It was more than enough to drown you into a flustering mess. Your train of thought was immediately disrupted and the attempt to convince yourself you're now awake failed miserably.
"Are you real?" You blurted out, regretfully so. Because the time you dropped the question and saw him choke on his wine, you realized he wasn't your dreamy squad leader.
He cleared his throat and quickly regained his composure. "I think I am?"
"Sorry. Ignore that." You flatly replied with a teetering urge to run in shame with tears.
"Well, if you'd be my company for a while I'll think about it." You scoffed at first until a flash of memory came to your mind; the poor squad leader asking for your company to pay respect to your fallen comrades. You sat on the spare balcony chair mournfully.
What separates you now is the small glass table where his bottle and glass of wine rest. You considered unwrapping yourself from the futon but you got too comfortable in this house and wore nothing but a thin nightgown. Eliminating this futon might subject you to a life and death moment. You also realized he still got his small playful smile as he drank and it sure gave you the urge to storm away again. What made you stay was the sight instead; how the moon is accentuating his features, his tranquility that you never expected because you've been fearing him every single day, and the admittance that he looks divine right now and no one in their sane mind would deny it.
"Can you tell me what time it is?" You mumbled. He looked down at his watch and so you let out a very tiny ooh as you realized he still looks elegant even with the smallest gestures. It's not about the moon. He just got otherworldly features. "It's three in the morning."
"Aren't you drinking already before you picked us up?"
"Yeah, and I was interrupted when I picked both of you up."
"Oh. Sorry." He clicked an amused smile again, purely intended to embarrass you further.
"Aren't you smiling a lot?"
"Must be the alcohol."
"Oh." Then you asked your brain to just shut up, not wanting to exude more of your unusually extreme self-consciousness. You stayed like that for a moment and you've got another realization: You're not feeling nervous with him! You wonder if that's because you're finally able to recognize Erwin Smith in your dreams as an actual human, not just an emotionally ambiguous monster.
"How long have you been drinking tonight?" Your brain didn't listen to your pleas to shut up.
"Since you and Isabel entered the room. Levi's with me earlier, but he's too sleepy to go further." You nodded in acknowledgment then sniffed at your nose getting moister.
"Feeling cold?" He asked.
"With this futon, I'm ashamed to admit I still am."
He then quickly turned to fix the blanket but quickly stopped in his tracks when you flinched. "Sorry, may I?"
"Yeah, sorry, go on." You both tried your best— you at keeping your flush concealed well and him wrapping you up until it's only your head that's visible.
"That would do." He hummed at the sight.
"You're getting really entertained at seeing me like this." You deadpanned.
"Must be the alcohol."
You weren't able to keep your laugh then. You don't feel too awkward anymore after that, so you sighed and closed your eyes in an attempt to channel peace.
"So," He started, drinking down another glass. "About the nightmares you have mentioned during dinner,"
"You ruined my peace."
"I apologize."
"What about it, then?"
"Can you tell me more?"
Indeed, farewell for the peace because you're feeling dreadful again. It took you a while to respond. "I dreamt of Isabel and Furlan dying in front of me. I don't think I could talk about the details, though."
"Understandable. Are you having a hard time telling it to other people?" Well, I would really have a hard time telling it to you.
"It used to help me a lot," Until you came here and made everything vivid. "But now it's becoming the opposite instead"
"Why?"
"The more it's discussed, the more it gets confusing. Which is the real one? In what dimension am I communicating? Questions of that sort. Then headache follows." You let out a sad laugh. "What am I supposed to do when something so easy suddenly gets too hard?"
"Maybe you should point out first why you're having a hard time differentiating the two." I don't think you'd believe me when I say you're the reason why. "And when you figure it out confront it properly. That's the only way you'd be able to move forward." I can't believe you just asked me to confront you. "What do you think about it?" Plainly impossible.
You heaved a lie instead. "I'm too embarrassed to think about anything. Maybe you should've toned down the wry smiles moments ago."
"Apologies. The alcohol I bought is quite strong."
"I see. The knot on the blanket was strong too." You wiggled out of it but it was quite futile. Erwin laughed almost loudly. "Please help me."
As he did, he muttered. "That's your assignment, then."
"The what? Tying a blanket?"
"No. Write about the dream you just had and how bad it was slipping you away from reality."
"Huh?" You huffed in disbelief. When did the conversation turn into this?
"Show it to me during our extra class session."
"No, I don't think I could–"
"Here you go." He finally untied the knot and then stood up with the bottle and glass. "I figured you might not be too embarrassed by then."
"No, no. Let's just–" Oh my god. "Talk about it now or some–" You were quickly cut off when he placed a hand atop your head. It's as if he cast a spell on it. Now your brain is dead flustered.
"You seemed to be disturbed with your dream that you needed to go here to breathe. I wish you a peaceful night this time around." He gently remarked as he removed his palm. He opened the sliding door to finally excuse himself but paused midway to say more. "It's also admirable to see how strong you've been facing these things. I firmly believe you can face it stronger in the future."