You don't remember having a proper conversation with anyone ever since the catastrophe with Levi's friends happened. You were spacing out at work, ended up going too hard with training to the point of injuring your fellow soldiers, and your consistent behavior garnered disapprobation from your higher-ups*, except your squad leader. Fortunately, Erwin spared you from blatant displeasure throughout the period and won't call you out whenever you drift away from meetings. His lack of interaction was something you were thankful for. It's not that you're still angry, rather the things you had realized during the previous expedition stuck on you hard. It's just that your mind blocked out every emotion and coherent thought perhaps due to shock or exhaustion. You also kept a wide distance from Levi whom Isabel and Furlan left behind despite not having anything against him. Indeed, you're well aware of how the catastrophe affected him but his unfazed demeanor at Erwin's presence disturbed you — no hint of annoyance, anger, or disdain. Perhaps it was the insecurity that the actual person they had left behind stayed in line with his duties without difficulty.

It stayed like that until your squadmate went to you with an order at hand, "Squad Leader Erwin is summoning you to his office right after lunch. I assume it's about your resignation."

You curled your eyebrows in confusion. "Huh? I don't remember submitting–" oh.

Indeed, you don't remember taking it out since you put it in the drawer months ago but then you realized it was a common drawer shared between your roommates. You were confident enough that they won't do anything about it without your consent but you guess you overestimated them. Your face flushed in worry then. You may be disoriented after what happened but quitting the Scouts never crossed your mind again so far. But now that you think of it, given your recent behavior and month-long blandness, your time in the Scouting Regiment might finally come to an end.

Setting the emotions aside, you entered his office upon order. Erwin just sat there, still as grim and dark as he usually is. He took a couple of minutes to scrutinize you and without anyone breaking the silence, you realized that he won't let you easy this time.

"I have summoned you here to inform you of your transfer to a new squad. We have decided to form special operations consisting of soldiers with remarkable military prowess. It's just an experimental squad for now but I'm expecting exemplary results regardless. Someone from the higher up will be supervising the squad but when it's all established Levi will be the one to lead it." You remained unmoved from your position, prompting more explanation from the man. "With that, I expect you to finally knock some sense in your head and be the level-headed soldier that you are."

"I was made aware that the resignation letter I wrote before had reached you."

"And?" He replied blandly. It seems like he has no plans to consider it, not at all.

"I apologize. That letter was made in a huff and I don't plan to act on it, at least not anymore. I have no idea how it landed here but I admit I should've disposed of it immediately to save everyone from inconvenience."

Silenced enveloped the room again. You remained unmoved until he spoke, "That's not enough to alleviate the heavy disappointment I had in you when I received that letter. And when I thought I'm not gonna be more disappointed than I already was the last time you stormed in here."

But the point I've made during that day still stands, setting the emotionality aside. "I would also like to apologize for my imprudent behavior."

"That incident alone was enough to get you demoted from your rank."

"I'd understand if that happens." I don't mind it at all. Being demoted from my rank means fewer interactions with you.

"Well, I don't think it's needed now that you finally realized your mistake. Now, what about the resolve I told you to embody? I'd expect you to finally have that after having that girl die on you." And that's when you almost slipped from your facade and clenched your fist in an attempt to hold it down. Acknowledging and understanding his behavior is one thing, but experiencing it all over again is another talk for acceptance. "I asked you a question. Answer."

"I can't seem to grasp how relevant this talk is with the matter you've addressed to me. I remember telling you that whether I embody the mission or die because of failure, that's not your concern as long as you can use my strength." You retaliated.

"And I completely agree with that, but I find it funny now that you still think you're able to be of good use with your strength given how awfully bad you are at it recently." His look was taunting this time. "Since that girl died."

The fists tightened more then. If he'd keep on mentioning Isabel as a weapon needed only for your development, you don't think you can compose yourself anymore. The anger you're bottling up is spilling very terribly. "Where is this conversation going, Squad Leader?"

"I need to have your word that you'd fix this weakness of letting your emotions act for you. I'm having you transferred to a new squad so I expect you to have a proper and strong resolve to be of good use."

"If you doubt my abilities so much then I don't understand why you are transferring me to an elite squad."

"You're getting transferred because of your strength in defense. But with that attitude, what difference would it make whether you transfer or not? Being that weak-minded, you'd end up completely useless even in my squad." So what am I supposed to do? Your stomach churned, still lost in recognizing the rationale of this talk. You can't help but think this conversation is getting unwarranted. "That's why when I transfer you, I expect you to understand my lack of tolerance for your half-heartedness. As I said, strength alone won't make you out alive."

Your mind got silent from objections after he spat that. He got a point there, you thought. With the Scout soldiers dying every single time, this isn't a place for people who are not that emotionally strong. Two deaths of people dear to you were almost enough to shut you down. This is the time you should finally recognize that strength really won't suffice if you always falter like this. If you stay longer in this regiment, the death of your comrades would be the one to kill you instead of the titans.

"I suppose you're right. I should've known better than joining the Scout Regiment without a strong emotional threshold. Throughout the times I stayed here I still can't get myself to function properly after seeing people die. I'm taking back what I said about not resigning." Now, the indignation was replaced with guilt, not for him but for your brother. He might've seen you as someone so strong to ensure both of your survival inside the walls but this disposition is so much different. It's much easier to ensure survival between humans. You're not afraid to die, not at all. But you really, really don't have enough emotional capacity to repeatedly see people die on you, especially if you were able to share meals with them.

"I thought I already established earlier that I don't plan to agree on your resignation."

"Why? I'm being pathetically honest with you right now, Erwin."

"Your brother was one of the snitches I clinched so I could investigate the faction leader, Nicholas Lobov. It was him who informed me that Lobov had illicit connections to the company that delivers goods to the MPs with which he was allowed to embezzle. You're right, a nobleman like him would do nothing but attempt to expand his luxury, even at the expense of humanity's security from the titans."

Your eyes widened in shock. The possibility of your brother being the one to give such information didn't cross your mind. At all. "So how is this relevant to my resignation?"

"You and your brother were elite soldiers from Military Police and the ones to clean up Lobov's mess – that's what I knew at first so I initially planned to just bring both of you down with Lobov if I won't get your compliance. However, your brother made the whole process easier because he was sick of working for greedy noblemen and really believed that the world beyond the walls would help this land become a better place. So when he told me he dreamed of becoming a Scout, I instantly grabbed that opportunity to gather more soldiers along the way. More than that, I am aware he has a sister quite prominent as well. I heard you a lot with the other leaders and very much knew you won't hesitate to follow your brother whether you're sincere for the cause or not. I don't have any plans on dropping you yet."

It seems like the agenda of this talk shifts your emotions a bit too much. Now your anger is blurring the rationality again. Besides your brother telling Erwin so many stories about your lives, he did his own research as well to ensure you'd either end up here or dead.

"Just like the three of them – just like Isabel – we were all lured into the Survey Corps even before we knew it?"

"That's right." Erwin's voice was too benign as if this wasn't bothering at all. "Despite Lobov being convicted for his corruption, the anti-expedition is still here. The Scouting Regiment needs to make exceptional progress from hereon,so I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential to do so."

Use.

The thought of being controlled and manipulated over and over since you heaved your first breath on this land prickles like a knife and no matter how hard you try you just can't get it out. Every single event where you felt tied to the strings of every powerful figure in your life – parents manipulating the both of you so they could continue being the criminals that they are, leaving you to dirt when you failed to do your purpose. The Military Police using you to have your parents convicted, throwing you back on the ground when it's done. The noblemen in that rotten regiment controlling you like their little servants to wipe their asses. All of them.

And here comes this man being painfully honest about doing the same without hesitation. You have always been struggling to breathe and move; this man in front of you is a grim reminder that you would never get past this state. Even though you understand that Erwin just needs to be like this so he could continue moving forward towards a noble cause, you still can't do this, you can't go through him reminding you of your position in this world every single time.

"I don't think you could hold me back from resigning. I am withdrawing myself from being a Scout soldier right here." Your eyes devoid of glint and mouth set straight.

"I need to remind you that even though you're acquitted of being Lobov's pawn, you still involved yourself with his three spies. You knew what they planned to do and you did nothing to prevent it which put your higher-up in danger. I don't even need your outburst at me that day to get you blacklisted due to insubordination. I doubt you'd be able to go back to being an MP soldier or have a decent livelihood if you pushed that decision."

"In that case, then Levi–"

"Levi doesn't plan on leaving."

Unlike the people who previously pulled you in their strings, this man won't be dropping you on the ground if you're not of any use, he'd certainly drop you to your death instead. "This is such a foul thing to do." You spat at him.

"As a Survey Corps soldier, we must be willing to do even the foulest of things just so we could protect our efforts in taking this world back from the titans," Erwin called out your name. "Don't take this personally. You must understand the reason you're being held down like this is that your skill is very much needed for us to make progress on that goal. I know you already understand how important our mission is after the numerous expeditions you've gone through. The only thing I need of you now is the resolve to embody that."

"You're speaking as if you're not using every personal aspect of my life to trap me down here. Bold of you to assume you'd have me develop resolve in that way."

"How could I even trap you down when I'm not the one in control here? In fact, not a single one in this regiment does; the ones controlling all of us are the titans and every other being that keeps us under their mercy!" Finally, you're not the only one frustrated in this room. "And if you won't put yourself in pursuit of humanity's freedom, you'll keep on being controlled as well, for the rest of your life, inside these walls! These titans are the ones that killed your brother, Isabel, and the people you ate meals with, and they would continue doing so until they break these walls, until we're all crushed to pieces! You should understand that we all have to be downright cruel in retaliation for this neverending dread!"

He glared at you with deep resentment at the catastrophic entrapment you face in these walls and urged you to do the same. You understand, you always have. Right after your brother died, you know how important all of these are. You just couldn't get yourself to immerse in it because your life was centered on avoiding death whether it's fleeting or not. Seeing people die on you daily would crack your head open. You did nothing but protect it. How could you just get past what you have been doing for decades? How could you live seeing that you can't actually protect anything?

"You were able to defend a lot of soldiers from titan encounters, enough to make them fight back. You're quick and strong enough to save your comrades. Almost all of the soldiers here are unable to even protect themselves, what are you even holding back for?"

"And why are you even holding me with such regard?" You choked on hot tears. "You say all of that when the first time I set foot outside the walls I wasn't able to save my brother!"

"And it's not your fault!" Erwin stood up from his seat. "It's not your fault you can't save everyone else but you do it better than anyone! That's why we need you here!" His voice is not seething anymore. He just remained firm, always sure of everything he says.

He watched you crumble in frustration and his eyes didn't falter until you registered everything he said. "I'm being this blunt to you because you know better than anyone else how cruel humans could be, especially those in power. And while being held down by them we have to face the titans at the same time. Do we really have a choice? A more humane method, perhaps?" It was silent for a while, and when he knew you were done arguing with this talk, he quickly regained his composure. "That's why I'm not letting your potential back to the enemy's grasp. I need you to devote your heart to this cause so you can protect those who genuinely need protection; your comrades from the titans and the Scouting Regiment from the humans you've already dealt with. If you completely understand how imperative your place is in this mission then nothing – not even me – can ever control you. Nothing but your own resolve."

You woke up with your mind spinning; as if the intense dread, anger, and every emotion that exchange exuded was brought beyond your subconscious. When you came down from it and finally arrived at school, you realized you had a fair share of entrapment in this world as well. You know to yourself how much you desire to face everyone involved in these nightmares, especially those who seem to have an idea of what's going on. The impatience of having this cycle continue mustered up a bit of courage to stop ghosting him from classes. Perhaps now is the time to finally confront him, however, when you saw his figure walking from afar you started to falter and your feet can't walk further.

If he's vividly aware of that world as well, how bad it tormented him being the man carrying the burden of his subordinates' lives? To have it haunt him down until here?

We do nothing in this world but exist, why would our actions haunt us even here?

The final trigger to have your limbs step back from him is that if he's vividly aware of it just as you are, then everything is real. His existence in front of you will confirm that it's real. These thoughts make your decisions easier said than done. Avoiding him for dear life yet again, you decided to stay and nap in the library during his classes so you don't cross paths.

However, this time someone seemed to notice you. You woke up feeling a cold can of drink glued on your right cheek. You huffed a tsk in annoyance but upon looking up, you saw the man you were avoiding sitting beside you with him not withdrawing the can on your face. You were too stunned to speak but he just stared straight at you regardless – not smiling, not frowning, just studying your features and waiting for you to explain.

"I'm sorry for skipping your classes." Was the first thing you blurted out that immediately banged yourself guilty. Satisfied with your confession, he finally rested the can on the table. It was a coffee drink.

"So you really are here to avoid my classes," You were certain it was supposed to be a question but it was let out as a statement instead. You fixed your composure by sitting properly; the guilt and shame had you look away from him.

On your peripheral, however, you saw him put one of his elbows on the table as he faced you fully on your seat. "What happened?" He said, concerned, and so your face faltered again — eyebrows furrowed, face crunched in frustration. Still, you didn't answer so he reiterated, "I asked you a question."

As if it's on your instinct to act on anything he says with that tone of voice, you immediately spoke, albeit mindlessly. "Seeing you is too heavy to bear for me. I'm doing everything I could to not cross paths with you,"

"Is that so," Erwin muttered and so the weight of your words struck you. You instantly covered your mouth in surprise. You didn't mean to let it out like that. "Why?"

"I didn't– oh no– I didn't mean it." He remained unmoved with your panic, though. "I'm really sorry."

"You don't mean it?"

You gulped the lump forming in your throat. "I don't."

"Are you really sure?"

"I'm sure."

"How sure?"

You breathed out, masking the slip of your misdirected emotions again. "I'm just having a bad day and I keep on lashing out to people, that's all."

"So what you said wasn't directed to me?" Not directed to anything in this world. You nodded.

"If that's the case then I need your word that you'll stop thinking of dropping my subject."

"I–"

"Hm?"

You heaved a sigh. "I'm sorry, I really don't mean to say I don't want to see you but I'm still very reluctant to push through this subject."

"Regarding the assignment I told you on the balcony that night, did you do it?" You nodded. You immediately did after he asked you to but when the next dream came it totally slipped out of your mind. "You have it with you right now?"

"Yeah, I remember printing it out and putting it on my bag right after."

"How did you feel writing that piece?"

You clasped your hands a bit. "Honestly, it somehow alleviated the heaviness I felt with that nightmare."

"Let me see it." And so you did. You brought the paper out of your bag and as if nothing happened, he completely immersed himself in the material.

Somehow, his tranquility confused you. If you switched roles and he said something like that to you, you wouldn't even hesitate to drop him then and there. "Aren't you bothered with what I said?"

He completely ignored your question and remained to indulge himself in what he was reading. You sat for a few minutes and just let your developing hobby of studying his detailed features take over you for a while. You wonder if you're supposed to feel scared or mesmerized at him having the same qualities as that man in your dreams, except being ruthless, that is. The Erwin Smith in front of you is still ahead of everything and he never fails to use it to his advantage. You wonder if you were also able to pick up any characteristics from your other version; that attitude seemed to be on par with Erwin's after all. Looking at yourself right now, it's as if you're completely out of his league. Maybe that's why you still don't see yourself getting along with him.

When you realized he's already finished reading, you opened your mouth to repeat the inquiry only to halt again upon seeing a sweet smile on his face. It's a smile of utter satisfaction.

God, I completely forgot what I was trying to say.

He folded the paper with so much importance and then faced you again, still with a smile. "Technically, you just attended one session so you're still not allowed to drop my course. And having me read this, you just made it harder for yourself to convince me otherwise."

It garnered a flush on your face. "I don't think we talked about the need to convince you after those three sessions, though."

"Shall I be the one to do the convincing?" He almost chuckled.

"Aren't you bothered with what I said?" Your voice was urging this time.

"I know you have your reasons and one day you'll be ready to talk about it." His gentleness had you gulp down in guilt. This man has unfaltering patience and understanding. What aspect of him fears you aside from the thing that you see in your dreams? "Also, if writing this helped ease the burden you've been feeling, then I'd like you to seriously consider if dropping my class is indeed for the better."

None. Nothing about this man scares you. He's such a good person. He's not in any way angry, even. It tugged your heart to ways unknown. Finally, your fear and reluctance of staying with him washed away. Just like that.

"If I were to remain as someone halfhearted with all of this…" You prompted in lament but were finally able to look at him in the eye again. "Would that repulse you?"

If he was taken aback at the question, he didn't show any sign of it. "Only a fool would demand such a thing from you."

"What if there's a life at stake but I'm still as insincere as I am?"

That question would make anyone laugh and you're sure he'd be, too, but he still maintained his composure. He's taking your words seriously. "Doesn't change it. Being upset instead of thinking about how to coax you is lazy. If one would want you to be sincere then you must be convinced nicely to do so."

You looked down again in ponder. What surprised you was the tear that ran down your face after a moment. It's different. Everything's different in here. Somehow, the hope that there's still a chance to separate it from this world had you crying. You didn't huff a sob but rather let it down silently.

You didn't bother looking up as well until Erwin scooted nearer and rested the cold can on your cheek again. "What I'm sure is that no life will be at stake here." He reached for your hand and had you hold it on your face instead. He stood up right after and turned his back. "I forgive you for skipping. You don't need to cry."

You finally were ashamed of your reaction then. Before he could walk away, you tugged gently on the end of his sleeve. "I'm sorry for saying such a thing. I really don't mean it."

"If you're really sorry, attend my classes and extra sessions this time." He replied, quite wryly. It seems like he knew well that he won already. The talk about dropping is over. "Also, keep that coffee. You'll be needing it once I pile you up with the activities you didn't do in my course."

Aside from the flustering mess that you were as soon as he left, what he said was true. Writing it helped you a lot in letting it out. You never even thought of doing that until he told you so because it was never a passionate task or a destressing hobby for you. You only looked at it as work that needs to be done.

And so you asked yourself; is it really a good idea to let myself fall into his scheme? You don't see any harm in trying, at least in this relatively peaceful world.