Warning: Implied sexual harassment
Your mind was knocked off the past few days. You just felt like floating into an endless void with nothing to see but white walls and nothing to feel but the air swaying you slowly. "You can't wish me a good night when you tell me something as horrifying as that" was your constant thought all throughout. The succeeding dreams were indeed tranquil and trivial moments, but it seems like the heaviness was transferred to your conscious state instead. Countless questions bombarded your mind in every aspect it could; How much does he know? How frequent his nightmares were? Did he see me there as well? What does he think about it? And most of all, how spiteful he was towards my lack of acquiescence? Someone nudged you from behind but it was quickly ignored as you can't figure out where it's coming from. You can also hear your name being called continuously, ranging from weak whispers to moderate echoes. When the nudges became harder, you found yourself snapping back to reality.
He called your name again, "Are you okay?" There, you realized. You're in the classroom. In Erwin's class. He's looking at you from the instructor's table. The room was silent. The lesson was interrupted. They were all looking at you.
"Huh?"
Historia nudged and whispered again, "What's happening to you?" You looked at her with furrowed brows, mouthing a silent what.
Erwin repeated the question, more urging this time. "Are you okay?"
"I apologize," You mumbled. "I was spacing out."
"You don't look well. I can excuse you if you need to go to the infirmary."
"No," You replied, slowly getting aware and conscious of your surroundings. "I'm really fine. Sorry."
"Okay, just tell me if you need to go. Your friend can accompany you." He cleared his throat, then continued his lesson.
Historia nudged you again, "I swear to god, you've been like that for a week now. What the heck happened to you?" She panicky muttered, then you fully remembered what was happening again. Since Erwin brought you home and mindlessly dropped that suggestion last week, you did nothing but space out most of the time. You rarely hear people talking to you and they had to call you out repeatedly to bring you back in the conversation. Even during the moments you came across Erwin at school, you weren't able to greet him properly. Heck, you can't even notice him most of the time. His class only happens once a week, and this is the day you formally met again after that incident. No wonder he'd come to ask you this question now that you're getting listless even during his lesson. You heaved a sigh and put my right elbow on the table, slouching your cheek on your palm. "Don't know. I'll try drinking coffee after class."
Just like that, the lesson proper was finished and you were on the last part, making you think that you indeed spaced out for a long while. You will be doing your first major writing project by group so he called the representatives to discuss the premise of the activity. Armin went on your behalf. After a moment, he came back with a piece of paper.
"So, for our first group writing project this semester, we'll be creating a short novel and have it deconstructed through different literary theories," He started and every group member aside from you two groaned. "Three members will be the ones to write, while the rest will deconstruct. Every group has a specific theme." He paused for a while as he squinted his eyes on the paper, then continued. "Uhm, the theme's very vague? It only says dreams here."
Your face flushed from color. "Fuck," You muttered and the group looked at you in surprise. You panicky turned towards Erwin's direction and saw him looking at you flatly. You curled your eyebrows at him in pure disbelief but he remained unmoved. Historia tapped you gently from behind; she looked surprised as well.
"God. What the fuck is this man on?" You whispered to her, not letting your groupmates hear you.
"What's with that? Does he know?" Historia replied. You brushed your hands through your head and pulled your hair quite hard, disregarding her reply. "I'm not doing this," You mumbled.
"Hey," Ymir called your name out interrupting your whispers. "Maybe your sleeping problems would do. Just go for it so we can just get this shit done." She urged.
"Hey," Historia nudged her. "You don't even know how bad it was. Don't force her on that."
Armin then called out your name after noticing you tense up, "Are you okay? Maybe I should just ask him to change our theme?"
"If he'd allow us," replied with sheer worry.
Armin then raised his hand to inquire, calling Erwin's attention. "Sir, can we exchange themes with the other group?"
"No." It was a flat answer. It didn't even take him a second.
"You have sleeping problems?" It was Eren's turn to ask.
You were contemplating whether to expound it or not, but just painfully went for it as you had no other choice. "Yeah. Nightmares."
"That would do then! You lead the writing."
"I said you should not force her on that." Historia is now annoyed.
"But," Armin interjected, hesitation laced his voice. "We're the only ones who could actually write here. Can you lead the writing team perhaps? We don't have to push for your sleeping problems as our plot."
"But her sleeping problems would make things easier," Eren interjected.
"God, being sensitive enough won't kill you!" Historia glared at the man. "She's certainly not having a good time from it. That's why she's here with us instead of the higher batch. And you're using that as a mere project material?"
They kept bantering for a while you're stuck pondering. Erwin's request during that ride flashed in your mind repeatedly; let it free by acknowledging its existence, then you remembered how you're actually seeking progress; That's the reason why you told him you'd consider it after all. You turned towards Erwin again. He wasn't looking anymore so you waited until he reciprocated the gesture. When he did, you squinted your eyes in annoyance and inquiry about what he was planning to do, but he just raised his eyebrows in reply, obviously feigning ignorance.
You heaved a sigh and cut your group mates' banter, "Fine, I'll do it." Everyone but Historia beamed at your remark.
"Are you sure?" Historia asked worriedly.
"It's not like I have a choice. I just want this over with." You replied, then turned to Historia to whisper, "Erwin knows about the nightmares, and he's doing this intentionally."
"Have you told him?"
"The gist, but then he told me he has one too,"
"What the fuck?" Historia shrieked, quite loudly. Your classmates glanced at her, and she was quickly cut off by Ymir nudging her elbow.
"Hey, you made everyone in this room look at you." Ymir pressed on her, then continued. "Let's work on it now. We don't have much time left."
You gulped down and heaved a quick sigh. "Right. So if we're gonna push for this, here's the premise; repeated nightmares of some post-apocalyptic stuff, humanity trapped inside big walls so giant monsters wouldn't reach and eat them, military fighting the giants by going outside the walls from time to time only to be mercilessly–'' You paused when you noticed they were all wide-eyed, faces flushed with nothing but utter shock except Historia. "Why are you guys looking at me like that?' They all averted their gazes at you after pointing it out.
"Nothing." Eren pondered. "Just… kinda heavy."
"It's just a plot." You flatly remarked.
"I know. I don't know–"
"Continue," Mikasa interjected.
"So, I'm apparently a part of it, and I guess it'll be an easy turnaround for the narration since all of this is vivid – both physically and mentally."
"Physically? Like, you feel pain?" Armin inquired.
"Yeah, recently at least." You pondered. "Got my bones broken there once, and when I woke up my whole body was throbbing in pain. It quickly subsided when I was oriented again though."
"So, like, some kind of multiplayer game where you can control your actions or something?" It was Ymir this time.
"No. It's like recalling a memory, but with complete senses."
"I think we should just not push for it," Eren mumbled. "Sorry, we shouldn't have pressed you on it."
"It's too late for apologies now," Historia rolled her eyes. "You already forced her."
"I really don't mind it."
"It's not that. I'm just… uncomfortable with the plot. Don't get me wrong, I love action and all but…" Eren said.
"But why?" You raised your brows at him. "I think there are series with the same theme way more intense than this."
Historia quickly concurred, "Yeah, but I'm awfully drawn to this one though."
Ymir stretched her hand. "Well, if it's this heavy then we might have a hard time making it."
"Well, if it's heavy for you then it's good for a plot. Good plot means a better score."
"Right," Armin wrote on the paper distributed to him earlier by Erwin, disregarding the objections. "Mr. Smith asked us to write the story summary here and pass it to him after class. Let's just go for this and get this done."
"Maybe it's better to just…" Mikasa mumbled. "...take breaks in between as we make it. Working on it continuously might be draining for me as well."
"Uh, okay. I'll try to write a more specific plot guide so it would be easier to do it."
Armin called your name with worry. "Sorry. If ever you don't want to push for it anymore, you could tell us. We'd understand." It's not like you could withdraw on this. Erwin gave you this theme to press you about it after all.
It's just that, god, that made you extremely exhausted. After the group got finished with their stuff, you put your head down on the table and shut your eyes tight. It went on until Erwin said his final announcements and dismissed the class. Everyone started to get up except you, so Historia patted your head. "Are you fine? Maybe we should go to the infirmary."
"No, I don't feel awful. I'm just tired," You mumbled, not raising your head up. "No class will be using this room afterward, right?"
"Yeah. Our class is the last one to use it for today."
"I'm taking a nap then," You remarked. "See you."
"Sleep well, I guess."
Taking naps in public became a habit whenever you're feeling extremely tired or bad since sleep is less frightening that way, so you quickly drifted into it for quite a while. However, the sound of someone tapping mindlessly on a table near you interrupted it; along with it was some papers flipping. You took it no mind at first, but when the person in question started humming a random song weakly, you shot your eyes open.
"Why are you still here," You groggily asked; not lifting your head from the table yet but still wide-eyed.
"Well," Erwin tapped lightly on his papers in reply.
You turned your eyes to the professor's table and it was empty. Quite confused, you stared back at him again, "And why are you seated beside me?"
"I figured it would be easy to do all these with the company of someone snoring."
"I did?" You lifted your head up to sit properly. "I don't snore in my sleep!"
"Really?" He hummed. "I'm pretty sure I even heard you mumbling my name as you did."
"No shit. I did?" You panicked.
He said nothing in reply, not even turning his eyes on you. Just focused on the paper, trying to hide a sneer.
"I did?" You pressed further, your voice quite louder now but still no reply from him. "I swear to god if you're messing with me again–"
"Yeah, I'm just messing with you." He finally looked up at you. "I was quite worried about you earlier but now that you have that energy back I guess you're fine."
You bit your lip while glaring at him, immensely annoyed but still relieved that you didn't mutter anything alarming while you were sleeping. When you realized it was futile to exude your annoyance further, you just slouched down the table again and let out frustrated huffs under your breath.
"How are your nightmares?"
You turned your head to the side opposite from him, "Please don't talk to me about the nightmares." You interjected, tensed at his last inquiry about it last week and annoyed at what he had made you do today. "It's been very hard to deal with lately."
"I'm sorry,"
"I told you I'd think about that first." You huffed in a faint whisper.
"Sorry."
"You're not sorry. Armin tried to ask you to change the theme but you said a flat no."
"To be fair, the theme was picked by the representatives themselves through draw lots. I didn't expect it to really end up in your group."
"Hah," You tutted. "Bet you're satisfied with the results either way."
"I am." He replied and you turned to him again with a glare. He could've just lied to alleviate your annoyance. However, your stare softened when you saw him with a poignant smile. "I'm still giving you the leverage to think about my request. If you really don't want to do it I'm sure your group mates will understand. I completely do as well."
You furrowed your brows at him in worry. You knew you had to confront him about what he had said during that car ride. You knew you had to hear about his fair share of nightmares as well even if the confirmation would ruin your perception of that world. That's the only way you can have someone to really rely on on the matter.
"About your nightmares," You started as you trembled slightly. "What were those?"
"I told you I'll share that with you after you tell me all about yours." God, I already know what it's about. I just want to know the details. You pursed your lips in frustration because you really are not ready to vocalize about yourself yet. My own reluctance annoyed you; You've been backtracking about this numerous times already. It makes you feel like you're not in control regarding this matter; that you still need a harder push so you could spit the lump out.
"Was it… tormenting for you?" How tormented were you on carrying the burden of our lives?
He looked down as his smile became more wistful. He nodded, "I was thankful it did, though; with all the things I've done that's just a trivial matter."
"What did you do to deserve that?" You blurted out quite loudly in disbelief. You know how bad that hell would haunt you down. Having to experience it yourself, you just know nothing could ever justify how tormenting it is and it ever will for you. Nothing.
He looked at you again, "Well, you have to have something in exchange for that information." He said, quickly shifting his demeanor from mournful to lighthearted.
"You just won't let me win this, huh?" You scoffed, "God, give me a break." He just chuckled in reply.
"How long until you finish that stuff?" You glanced at the papers.
"Until late afternoon, I guess."
"Roughly three hours or so," You pondered. "I'm taking a nap again, then. I hope you'd get to finish that with my snores amusing you." You deadpanned as you slouched on the table again, staring slightly at him as your eyes slowly heavied towards sleep.
"Thank you for your service, then." Then he stood up and lowered the curtains to stop the bright sun from striking down at you.
You hummed a weak thanks as he sat down again. "You're much kinder that way," You mumbled, your voice almost inaudible. "Just stay like that and don't be bad to me, okay." Now it's barely a whisper, but he still heard it as he tried to conceal a small snicker, then dropped his palm on your head to lightly ruffle your hair.
"I'll try my best this time around," He remarked, and while you're not sure what it meant, you released a small chuckle and finally drifted towards sleep again.
Slowly but surely, you're finally doing what you were told; taking the mission seriously and getting appreciative of it by forming a bond with your comrades, albeit shallowly. The Special Operations Squad is doing better, and the turnover of leadership to Levi was successful. Erwin, as usual, has been raising his reputation as a prominent Scout to the point of creating a barrier between him and Shadis. Shadis was getting thrown by more insults; everyone was saying his underling does it better while he does nothing but stay alive. You chose to distance yourself regardless; Erwin's not the whole Scouting Regiment and you have separate missions to do as well. However, Erwin's the one to come up with the idea of special ops so he's giving you orders from time to time.
"Hey," Levi called your attention as you walked towards them after an errand. "Erwin's requesting logistical help again. Go to him and work on it."
You heaved a sigh. "I should've known better. Of course he'd put me in a newly built squad so I could convince the elite of its relevance," You added, slouching on the big wooden box beside you. "Never thought he'd turn you into a dumb diplomat to order around."
"Fair enough. Seems like he has no other purpose for you than making his silly agendas easier." You didn't answer and only grabbed the water pouch to drink from it until Levi stopped you by scowling. "Don't even dare. I drank on that already. That's mine."
"Huh," Your eyebrows curled on him. "I was the one who brought this here. I didn't even get to drink it yet."
"And I drank on it while you were gone. The mess hall's too far and that's the only clean thing here. Get something for yourself while you're on the way."
You heaved an annoyed sigh, "These guys never let me take a break." You mumbled to yourself as you stomped towards the building for the second time around.
You knocked on Erwin's office and made your presence known by stating your name. When he told you to enter, you opened the door and flatly closed it afterward. He was sitting at the table, looking quite tired.
"I apologize, I was made aware that you just finished an errand after telling Levi to summon you here. I also don't want to bother you anymore as you handle a lot of logistical work as it is; as well as representing the new squad with diplomatic concerns." He started, opened his drawer for a stack of documents, then signaled you to go nearer. You walked towards him and studied the said documents as he explained further. "As you can see, despite our efforts we're still in a difficult situation regarding funds. I guess Lobov's influence just doesn't die like that. What I have here is a pool of noblemen we could clinch. I knew you served some of these people before as I heard your name from them during a gathering way back. I figured they'd consider sponsoring us if a familiar prominent soldier will be the one to convince them."
You flipped the pages and it seems like you worked with almost everyone from it. However, you got frozen after seeing the profile of a certain man. "Murdoch Evans…" You emptily prompted. "Is this one of the men who mentioned my name during that particular gathering?"
"Yes, one of those." He replied.
"You heard what he talked about?"
"Yes." You bit your inner lip. That bastard really dared to spread that to his colleagues, enough to be heard even with military leaders.
"Then why–" You cut yourself off and just heaved a grunt. "Have you set an appointment with him already?"
"Yes, actually he's the first one we will be meeting on that list. His appointment is set two hours from now."
You stared at him in disbelief. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner?"
"I've been attempting to reach out to you since last week but you were always unavailable," He answered; you then remembered you really were avoiding him lately by piling yourself on a lot of tasks. "His appointment was supposedly scheduled three days from now but he abruptly moved it this afternoon after he was informed that you'd go with me, so I am left with no choice but to summon you here."
"How much have you heard at that gathering?"
"I'm pretty sure I grasped the gist of it."
"And still…" You paused for a while to ponder, but you decided to just brush it off. "This is what you're talking about foul play, huh." You blandly added.
"Well, you're free to do the same if that's what you need to get the job done." You have to be fucking kidding me, good sir; you thought to yourself.
"Am I the only one to talk to him on this matter?"
"No. I'm coming with you. I'm the one who arranged it after all."
"How high are the stakes here? And what proposal have you given him to consider?"
"The stakes are something we'll talk about later, but the only thing he had asked of me was to bring you to him. I was reluctant at first so I told him I'll give updates on whether or not you're available for that. But then he proposed a large sum and told me to think about it seriously. I clarified what the premise was and he said he just wanted to see you. I figured we could work around something as vague as that."
You walked towards the office couch and sat down, resting your elbows on your knees as you massaged your temples to ground yourself. You don't want him to see how fumed you are with the situation he's put you in and it's not like anyone has heard of what he knew either. You knew out of all people how imperative the sponsorships were and you've been taking a lot of effort into it because of your expertise on the nobility in general. You just can't help but feel personal about this when someone uses such sensitive matters to leverage an agenda. You're also very disgusted at yourself at the thought of other higher-ups knowing about that. Having numerous experiences about it, you were actually desensitized over this matter now; but you felt some kind of trigger again with this man heeding that fact no mind and consciously putting you on that risk again.
Erwin and you didn't say anything for the rest of the waiting hours. You just stayed there and he silently let you rest on his couch all along so you could prepare yourself. When it was time, he signaled you to go with him towards the meeting room; you silently followed.
"Erwin!" Hange beamed, but they quickly averted their gaze at you walking behind him. "What's with her? Why so dark?"
"We're on our way to a meeting with a potential sponsor and she's coming with me since she knew the man."
"Right! As expected to the Scout's diplomat!" Hange exclaimed but your expression didn't change a bit. You're glowering and you weren't able to hide it this time around. You figured you should save energy on facing that man instead. "Is she okay, though? She looks bad."
He disregarded Hange's remark. "We don't have much time." He flatly added.
Hange nodded in acknowledgment, quite curious about the dark mood exuding between you two. "Good luck, then! I'm sure it would end up good if she's going with you." Their gleam went back. "Also, Erwin! I have something to talk about with you regarding my proposal on the squad's subdivision. You're available after this, right?"
"I am. Now if you'll excuse us," He remarked; Hange paved the way but they shortly tapped you on the shoulder, "I rarely see you like this. If you want someone to talk to, I'm here okay?" They whispered.
You nodded to her and mumbled, "Thank you." Then you walked past them to keep up with Erwin, your eyes still devoid of glint.
A military police soldier stood in front of the door, confirming that that man is already there. Erwin greeted him and then knocked on the door. As he opened it, you heaved a long sigh and stood properly, finally concealing any emotions before that man sees it for himself.
"Good day, Mr. Evans." Erwin greeted and he immediately perked up upon seeing your presence. "We apologize for being late for a minute; a soldier asked us about some matters."
"It's fine," The old man remarked in a sportive tone. "You brought me what I asked of you after all. You may sit down." He added. You tensed in seething anger and you had to take time from hiding it. The bastard was seated on the center part of the table, while Erwin sat on the right side nearest to him. You followed suit to the next seat.
"I would like to clarify something, good sir," Erwin remarked. "She's here to represent the logistical team on behalf of the Special Operations Squad. I figured you've already heard of the newly established division and before we partake in the upcoming expedition, some of them are going to handle the preparations."
"Really," He replied. "This would just be a small talk, though. You were able to bring me what I want and I stick to my word no matter how simple my wishes are."
You figured it was your time to speak. You let out a firm smile, "I'm afraid I'm not a subject to be purchased under specific propositions, Mr. Murdoch."
"Still so serious, huh?" The old man called your name and that sound alone made you clench your fists. "We haven't seen each other for a long time but you're still so young and perky. How have you been all this time? I was reaching out to you for years only to no avail because you're too busy."
"I'm fine. I apologize for not meeting you back then. My job was very hectic." No. You intentionally made it so you won't cross paths, not to save yourself but to spare him from death. Now that he's here, you realized you still do want to kill him.
"Well, at least we have this encounter again. Brings back good memories, isn't it? It's a pity I just saw you one time as a soldier. I thought I'd be able to see you grow up into a beautiful lady since I took you and your brother in my wing decades ago."
It was Erwin's turn to be surprised. He glanced at you upon realizing that this was the same man who briefly kept you in childhood. You subtly gave him a glare to tell him how hard he fucked up now, then went back beaming at the old bastard.
"I appreciate you remembering such trivial moments, Sir. It's a pity you already retired years after the two of us became soldiers."
"I figured I'd take a rest early. I already have enough fortune to do so, after all." He remarked endearingly. "That said, I heard what happened to your brother. Ah, that poor child. You two were the reasons why I considered sponsoring the regiment after all. I'm so sorry about what happened." You fell silent after that, and Erwin took the time to speak.
"I never thought you were that close. That's quite an endearing reunion." He remarked. "Now, regarding the agenda at hand, let us talk about the proposition we made about the sponsorship. First, I would like to present the rationale for the next expedition."
"Actually, I have come here for a short talk. I really don't care about all that, I'm just feeling generous to give some of my fortunes. What I am eyeing for is this lady beside you."
"Is that so? Well, I'm afraid she wasn't included in the agreement we've prepared–"
"Erwin," He interjected. "Can you leave us two? I would like to discuss my conditions with her, alone."
You tensed in your seat as you felt a big lump in your throat. The last time people left you alone together wasn't a great memory, and you'd doubt it would be much different now. The next thing you felt was sheer trembling that you earnestly hid from them. You let him live after that encounter, but now you doubt you'd be able to do that. Your concern is this job, the funds, and the expedition itself; all of it at risk if you fail to keep your cool now. And the thing here is, you don't have something to protect with all your heart that would guarantee your endurance to this. You don't have your family anymore, so your body thinks there's no reason to keep this much patience.
"I'm afraid I can't leave here, good sir," Erwin answered. "You said to bring her here and that's what I did. You never mentioned me leaving her alone with you. I have to be here to represent the commander, after all."
"Huh?" This man quickly shifted his demeanor from endearing to disbelief. "So do you want the funds or not? You won't be getting it if you won't comply with my simple wishes."
"I agree with my squad leader, Mr. Murdoch. I prefer to have this talk purely professional for now. We could save our personal reunion for later." You lied to calm him down.
"Tsk," He puffed on his seat. "Well, if you insist. I'm gonna be straight here because I don't intend to waste my time. I'll be sponsoring half of the sum that you need for the expedition. That'd be a bit of a gamble, don't you think?" You widened your eyes. That's really a lot.
"What offer would you like in exchange?" Erwin inquired.
"Her," He pointed at me lazily. "In exchange for this young woman. Make her quit from this shabby place and I'll take her as a soldier directly under my command."
"What," You blurted out, completely baffled. Erwin looked taken aback as well but still remained his cool; he seemed to see this possibility so it isn't much surprising for him.
"As expected of you, Mr. Evans. I knew you wouldn't gamble such a high amount on a wish as simple as that. However, I'm afraid we have to settle on another condition as we do not plan to dismiss her from our command. Her presence is imperative in our regiment."
"Mr. Murdoch," You started, quite darkly. "I really appreciate you taking lengths for my welfare, but I don't have any plans of leaving this regiment." And I better be, unless you and this man beside me wish to die early.
"But you should know better now, don't you think? I am heavily aware of the circumstances Survey Corps are facing right now. I understand, Erwin, it would be a pity to drop a soldier as skilled as she is. You don't have enough people to begin with after all." He laughed sneeringly for a while, then continued. "Look, just think of her as collateral. If you gave her to me, I would not hesitate to sponsor you as long as she stays under my command. Trust me, I am a very valuable partner and you need to take this proposition seriously." He pressed on Erwin. You both stayed silent for a while, with Erwin staring flatly at the man. Sensing your reluctance, he continued; "I just want her to be safe, okay? She lost her brother already. Both of them didn't have a good life in the first place. I took them in out of pity, but due to circumstances, they slipped away from my hands. I want to make it up to her, at least, in her brother's stead. That's why I want to have her under my wing. She's like a daughter to me."
You almost felt like throwing the lump in your throat up at his remark, especially at him referring to you as his daughter. Very, very vile. He should not be allowed to stay in this world. Erwin still didn't reply, but he turned to you to give you a hard look, silently conveying his words. There, you remembered what he said to you earlier; you're free to be as foul as you can be if that's what's needed to get the job done.
You tried to gulp down the lump again and turned to the man again, now with a wry sneer. "Mr. Murdoch, we both knew very well that you're not keeping me under your wing for my safety."
He sensed you won't be hesitating if this talk continues, so he turned to Erwin. "Now, could you leave us alone, please?"
"I'm sorry sir, but I am staying here," Erwin remarked, then faced you as he feigned ignorance. "My good subordinate, what do you mean by that?"
"I'm glad you finally asked," You smiled at him as you grit your teeth. "This man–"
"Enough!" The old man banged the table. "You guys completely changed my mind. I thought this shabby place would at least have enough brains to not turn down such a good offer." He stood up and fixed his tie along with his composure. "I'm done with this talk, I'm leaving now. Find someone who would be willing to waste money on you."
He was about to walk outside but halted as you released a giggle, your mind finally consumed with the decades worth of anger you kept to yourself. "I locked the door from the outside, sir. After years of not meeting me it seems like you've gotten too confident, don't you think? The soldier you brought with you is someone I know as well, and he certainly knew better than going against me." You remarked, still full of smiles. "Now, if you understand what you're facing right now, please go back to your seat." He was fumed, very much so; this expression was something very familiar to you. He then turned to Erwin who stayed unmoved all throughout.
Upon realization of his predicament and the fact that he brought himself thinking you're as dumb as the military police, he just flashed you a snarky laugh. "So this is the true colors of the Scouting Regiment, huh?" He then heaved a sigh as he turned to Erwin. "I should've known better. You were able to bring down Lobov, after all. Ah, I underestimated you, really." Erwin still didn't respond, just mercilessly towering over the man above him only with his dark stare.
"But, well." He walked towards you slowly as he talked. "What would this lady offer in her weapon, huh? Speak up, my sweet cupcake." You flinched at the familiar nickname and you had to clench on the table to keep yourself from throwing up or bursting at him. You remembered your brother telling you how you didn't bat an eye after being cornered by sick men like this one. It wasn't true at all. You wished it was. Remembering any of this, or getting yourself in such a situation, makes you want to bang your head open or lose all the sanity left in you so you could kill them in cold blood.
With your mind quickly getting clouded, you didn't notice him already behind you. "Pray tell, sweetie, what do you have under your sleeve?"
He was about to hold your shoulders until Erwin gripped hard on the man's wrinkled arm even before it rested on you. "I implore you to settle your hands to yourself and not defile any of your dirt on my subordinate, sir." He flatly remarked, sheer authority lacing his tone; a voice deep enough to make anyone cower.
You felt the old man tremble as well, and he huffed in annoyance as he swatted his arms back. "What did you say? Dirtying her? Don't you know she's way dirtier than–"
"Sit down." You scowled.
"You think you're mighty enough to be disrespectful to me? See what it gets you the time I leave this room. You can't trap me down here."
"I also want you to see what it gets you if you don't sit the fuck down." You released a ragged breath. "The time you dropped us to the ground after our parents got convicted, what circumstances brought you to that decision? It wasn't because we were not of any use or because we're children of convicted criminals. It's because I was about to tell your wife about–"
"Fine! I'll sit down!" He exclaimed.
You can feel Erwin watching your every move and was subtly taken aback at that revelation. Despite that, he still revealed his cards. "I was completely aware of what you did to my subordinate when she was still an MP soldier. You made that fact known to your friends; too bad you weren't cautious enough because I was able to hear it. I am surprised that you also did that way back in her childhood. That's really repulsive if I do say so myself."
"Still, you brought yourself here despite my higher-ups being aware of that information. You even blatantly requested of me at such a high stake." You interjected. "You're right. You've completely underestimated the people in this shabby regiment. And I won't be surprised if you did, you're quite dumb after all – completely immersed with people as stupid as you so you always have your guard down."
"The noblemen are right. No one in the right mind would stay sane after charging outside the walls." He gritted his teeth at you, "So, what are you planning to do about it, huh? Gonna turn me in? I'm sure you know better than that. If the law could really reach me then I'd be long gone now."
"You're correct, but that's because you let that information stay in your circle of allies. But tell me, good sir, does Nile or Zackly know about this?" As if it was a bullet, the man finally shut up. You can see the blood on his face drain. He really is dumb, you thought. The time Erwin stared at him emptily before you stopped him with your laugh, he should've realized what was up.
You're certain Erwin noticed it as well, so he prompted further, "If my subordinate files a case directly to the people I've mentioned, it would be over for you. I'm sure Nile wouldn't tolerate the fact that his former subordinate was being violated by a retired general. Regarding Zackly, I knew you had something with each other. I bet he's just waiting for something to come to him so he could put you down," He gently slid the document he was holding earlier to the trembling man. "You know it, right?"
He really knew it because he quickly gripped the document given to him and scanned it with trembling hands. Contrary to his remark earlier, he seemed very drawn to the proposal at hand now. Not that he had any other choice, though.
"So, I would like to ask you again. Before we talk about the proposal we have prepared for the sponsorship, I would like to discuss the goal of this expedition first. Is it okay with you?" Erwin was back on his diplomatic tone.
With that, the talk was over; we were able to discuss everything regarding the logistics. He ended up sponsoring the rest of the money needed for the whole expedition so we would shut up on that matter. Erwin was surprised to say at least, he didn't think that man would really offer such a huge amount. Extremely satisfied, he firmly promised the man that the Survey Corps will not waste the generosity he gave to you. It ended in a good light for the Survey Corps, while the old bastard stomped back on his carriage, completely devoid of gleam. Before they went, you talked with your former subordinate who was brought with him; to ask how he was and to bring him more detailed news about your brother. They were quite close after all.
"So, how was that? It went well, right?" Hange wrapped her arms around your neck.
Erwin gave them a small smile. "It did. Now we don't have to worry about the logistics. He'd be providing the rest of the sum we needed for it." With that, Hange shouted in celebration.
"Told you, we got this gem of a soldier right here!"
"It wasn't because of me." You clarified tiredly. It really wasn't. This sly man just used your personal issues as a combat tactic.
"Well, since you came the logistics team really went up in abundance. With you and Erwin combined, at least we could get relatively better resources than before." Hange chirped and hugged you. "Gah, I'm very thrilled! Now the science subdivision would completely flourish the way I wanted to!"
You continued walking towards Erwin's office so Hange could go on with their talk. But before that, you called Erwin. "Can we talk for a while?"
Erwin turned to you and nodded as he opened the door to his office. "Sure thing. Hange, wait until we finish this one."
"Aw, come on. I keep on getting held back here!"
"I'll cook you your favorite food." You deadpanned.
Hange squealed. "Talk as long as you want, then! Until morning, even!" Their voice was fully ringing in your now exhausted head, so you just shut the door close quite loudly. When silence enveloped the room, you heaved a sigh and turned to him. You were fuming, and he knew what this talk would be about.
"I can't believe you would stoop as low as that," You muttered.
"Is that the matter you'll be discussing with me? Spare me your personal sentiments for now. The thing Hange would consult me with is something really important." He proceeded to sit down while you talk.
"You're heavily aware of what you did and there's no way you're deserving of any spare from me tonight. Weaponizing even my horrendous experiences so we could get the things we need to have, let alone not informing me of such an important matter ahead of time."
Erwin heaved a sigh and massaged his temples for a while, "I didn't know there was a deeper issue at hand besides what he had done when you were a soldier. I would've completely drawn back from that plan had I known. Still, that doesn't excuse my imprudent behavior. I sincerely apologize–" He stopped in his tracks when you abruptly released a hard sob.
You weren't able to hide the anguish anymore. You usually cry this hard after something like that happens, but not in the company of someone. You are extremely ashamed of the heavy emotions slipping away from you now but it's not like you can control it any further. It's true that you were somehow desensitized on that matter because that bastard wasn't the only man who did something like that to you, but it was much harder to bear because he was the first one who did, and you kept it to yourself for decades.
"When he kicked us out after discovering I was about to tell his wife what he did, I just knew I don't ever want to see him again." You choked on your tears. "When he had his way for the second time, I barely managed it because I almost killed him in cold blood and the only thing that stopped me was my brother crossing my mind at the last minute." You tried to stop your sobs in a frustrated manner, wiping out your tears along the way. "And this third time which you brought upon me yourself, just how do you think I'd be able to manage that? Should I be condemned again for being mentally weak, Erwin?"
He completely backtracked. Despite knowing what he put you in, it seems like he never thought you'd respond like this. "No. No one could ever take that against you. I sincerely apolo–."
"Then, should I celebrate? We got what we wanted. We have the funds and enough logistical support. Heck, I even think he would be more than willing to support us more if we flashed the same blackmail." You cut him off, gruffed, and just let the tears drop down in defeat.
You tried to glance at him but the look on his face made you turn away quickly. He looked really regretful; that expression alone left a bitter taste in your mouth. Deep inside you knew whatever he felt right now would just stay that way and he won't be able to do anything to compensate for it. He may feel remorseful about this for a long time but he still won't be able to pay for it. You won't be able to make him pay for it. The only thing that could stop this man is when he gets eaten by a titan, and that would be barely an act of revenge for you. Getting eaten is a natural occurrence for you rather than an action of getting what was truly deserved. It won't be revenge, not even consolation, and that's extremely dreadful to face. The pain would stay without any resolution.
It was a long while that he let you cry in silence as he knew he couldn't say anything to alleviate the pain he had caused. So when you finally calmed down, you finally looked him in the eye. "What made me stay here was the fact that I knew this regiment's mission was more worthwhile than that rotten place could ever be. I just knew I won't be stuck being tormented with wicked people I deeply resent, not anymore. I just knew this place surpasses every mission humanity can ever embody. But it's just too good to be true, isn't it?" You cut yourself off to release a long sigh, finally letting yourself calm down. "I knew it was too good to be true. I'm not that stupid to think otherwise. Still, I just hoped it would be much better to bear than before because here, I'm not rotting away on my own resentment without any direction in life. I would rot away with conviction at the very least. My comrades do it perfectly after all."
You know you have nothing to say anymore so you turned your back to him to open the door. Before twisting the knob he called out your name, "I," He halted himself to ponder for a while. "I'm sorry. I know I won't be able to make up for what I did."
"Yeah, you won't. Don't tell me something I already know." You replied as you finally twisted the nob. "Just keep on doing what you do while you're good at it. If you keep on exploiting me like that I know to myself I'd be fed up with it, really fed up that I'd rather die. At least my corpse would be your stepping stone for your noble goals. It's not like I can do anything about it." You opened the door wide and left it like that to make Hange enter.
"What…happened to you?" They asked worriedly, not with the usual cheeriness anymore. When Hange realized you won't be answering the question, they just patted your shoulder before entering the room you stood by it and stayed there for a while after they closed the door, hearing the conversation slightly.
"Hey, Erwin. What did you do? She's like that whenever she's with you." Hange prompted. Erwin didn't answer. "You just can't treat her like shit all the time, okay. She doesn't deserve your crankiness when she's that useful. You know you have to practice your social skills more, huh! You're Shadis' second liner after all. Your eloquence isn't enough–"
"Enough with that talk," Erwin cut them off with his voice, completely tired. "Speak of your concern or leave."
"Ow, 'kay. Seems like everyone's grumpy today, huh." Hange pondered for a while then continued. "Anyway! About the science subdivision, what we need for the approval of Shadis are…" You stepped out of the office to avoid hearing the rest of the conversation. You just knew you won't be sleeping properly for a while, so you prepared your things to go to the cemetery. You need to feel the most trembling freeze this night could ever give to you. That way you won't be stuck feeling really empty; or if you're lucky enough, you could die in the cold along the way.