It went like that for several months; training and doing errands during the day then lurking around the city at night. You got slightly berated for not being present in the barracks during the dark but somehow they noticed you're too listless to care, so eventually, they just reiterated that your night business better not affect your line work. Unlike your blandness before, what you had now really did not affect you at all and that garnered assurance from them to leave you be. The day before the expedition, you were too empty to even get tensed or anxious. If your brother even saw you, he'd get all alarmed because you looked like you were just waiting for your death. You were like this for a while after getting kicked out of that house after all. However, that's the thing. He's not here to see you anymore and that led you to not care about it further.

On the last day before the expedition, you stayed at the cemetery again after finishing your afternoon duties. You first visited Isabel's grave before settling on your brother's. It looked like it wasn't taken care of for months so you thought of cleaning it. Levi's too busy to do so after all, and you're too drawn into spending your time talking mindlessly on an empty stone that has nothing of your brother but his name. After cleaning it, you sat down to watch the candle melt beside it. It went on for a while until you heard footsteps towards you, and it was a glowering Levi who seemed to be heavily annoyed at you lurking around his precious friend's grave. It didn't help that he seemed to be in a foul mood before seeing you as well.

"What's this," He scowled. "You have nothing to do so you just decide to lurk around the graves of people you've barely acquainted with?" You curled your eyebrows at him, but more than that, you thought he might be misunderstanding something.

"I just thought of cleaning Isabel's grave since it looked quite dirty."

"What for?" He remarked, annoyance still laced strongly in his voice. "Are you taking pity on their graves? No one in this silly regiment really regarded their presence here so I don't get where you're coming from."

"You're really misunderstanding things here, Levi."

"Why? Am I misunderstanding the fact that you're doing this for fun and you thought it's a noble thing to do?"

You know he's just lashing out at you right now so you didn't reciprocate the anger just yet. You also completely understand being vexed on something like this because he really was aware that no one in the regiment had acknowledged whatever his two friends had done, let alone their presence. He was aware that in the months they stayed here, the two were disliked by almost everybody. You are annoyed with that fact too; that Isabel wasn't able to get the endearment she very much deserved to have because she died just that easily.

"What we had for a short time might be trivial but I really liked her company the most. I'm sorry if it looked like I was messing around–"

"Lies." He quickly cut me off. "Step away from that. Now."

You stepped aside but with your eyebrows curled up at the unwarranted behavior. "I understand If you're in a bad mood to deal with this but stop cutting me off."

"I knew it." He crouched on Isabel's stone, brushing off the rest of the dust on it. "I knew why you made Isabel stick with you like a fucking gum all the time while she's here. You can't fool me. I'm a sly thug myself."

You stood frozen with that. He's right and you know you won't be able to counter that fact. You also knew you can't just shamelessly press all your narrative on him just so you could prove that you really regarded Isabel with genuine endearment. It's not about you; it's about how Levi thought that everyone saw their death as a trivial matter.

Before you could clarify, however, he turned to you again. "I just knew I should hold you with disdain for this because you fooled this brat right here into thinking that she finally had a genuine friendship besides us when you really did nothing but be a cunning rat." There, you widened your eyes at him. "You thought she'd be the most convenient person to approach, right? She's too gullible to begin with, after all. I'm sure you were able to do a good job on that as Erwin's doll doing his orders pathetically. So you don't have any ascendancy to fake your sincerity here. Not in front of me."

You flinched at the nickname, "That's not true! I didn't do it for Erwin's benefit. What the fuck is wrong with you?" You exclaimed.

"You're trying to save face now?"

"I did it because I want you to be successful in killing Erwin off during that time!" You blurted out in quite a loud voice that Levi was taken aback by it as well. "You're right, I really garnered her favor because she's the most convenient person to approach. I stood close so I could watch by and offer support silently if you guys ever come to need it." You paused, trying to stop yourself from faltering like this but to no avail. "But I miserably failed to embody that half-heartedness because I came to love her quickly. After all, she's just so overly sincere with everything. She would never fail to garner anyone's favor if she tried. What you said isn't true at all; you're not the only one who cared about their deaths. She will always be stuck on me and her decapitated body will haunt me in my sleep for the rest of my life." You stopped, gulping down to stop the heavy emotions from spilling out. "I'm sure that's what others feel as well. No sane person would stick to this mission and deem their comrades irrelevant just because they died so quickly. It doesn't work that way. I know it won't be easy to learn that, but it will never work that way."

You went silent for a while and no one moved from our position. When Levi registered everything you had said, he averted his eyes somewhere and furrowed his brows. "Stop spurring such bullshit on me." He weakly remarked, his voice not as firm as before. "I don't believe you ever wanted to kill that man; not when you mindlessly follow him like a doll,"

"You can shut the fuck up with the name-calling now." You gruffed, all the patience you had with him disappearing just with that particular banter. You figured you don't have enough energy to deal with bad-mouthed bastards anymore. "Seeing Erwin has always been making my stomach upset. That's why I always follow his command with no talk. You don't even know anything, so please spare me your mindless banter if you have nothing good to say." You were about to throw the rug you used to clean the tombstone beside him and excuse yourself but then you noticed he wasn't even looking at you anymore. Levi didn't react, not even a nod or scorn, only a look behind you. When you turned back you quickly understood what was up. Erwin was standing there with candles in his hand as he stared at the tomb nearby. He took you no mind and did his thing, but it's crystal clear to you that he heard every single thing.

"Fuck," You muttered and rolled your eyes. You don't even have the energy to spend your time on your brother's tomb anymore. You finally tossed down the rug and stomped yourself out of the small commotion. You quickly glanced at your brother's stone as you walked, only to see a candle already lit upon it. Knowing that it was Erwin to put that there churned your stomach in anger.

With that, the awaited expedition came again. The plan was clearer, at least, because Shadis finally let Erwin lead the whole command beside him. Your squad stood in the front lines of the formation. Levi and you were specifically placed on both sides of the command unit to stand in defense, and your squadmates follow suit all throughout.

Despite all the preparation, you knew better than to think that clear plans guarantee tolerable results. You sure hoped you weren't right, though. The only positive thing was that you ended up scouting longer than usual. Shadis kept on making a mistake in command and that made a lot of squads wiped out. You knew he didn't look better the past few months, but you were completely appalled that he brought that with him here. You're not the one to judge regarding emotional threshold, but you're continuously losing people and the titans just keep on attacking one after the other.

"Commander!" You shouted at him as you ran through your horses, completely fuming. "Get back to your senses! We're going to lose everyone if you don't!"

Just after that, an abnormal titan started running right in front of you. It was too fast so you were left with no choice but to confront it.

"Ready!" Levi shouted and you synchronously fled towards it to immobilize the titan as the command unit fired a flare. They readied as well, but then another titan came running to you from the right side. When you quickly immobilized the abnormal you confronted first and when you saw Levi's safe opening towards its neck, you quickly fled towards the command unit again to assist the other titan. Shadis was still tense and you were getting completely annoyed at him already.

You were about to fly towards the assist, but then Moses shouted. "Special ops, stay back and protect the commander! Some people from the command unit and our squad are enough for this!" He quickly stood on the horses and commanded his subordinates on the formations. "Get ready! Let's teach this thing the power of the human race!" He said before finally flying towards it. Erwin and some from the command unit followed suit.

You glanced at the commander and while his mind still seemed to be working, he looked like losing his sanity already. You tried to comply with the order—you really did—but when you saw Moses breaking his stance as the titan unexpectedly manhandled him, you stood on your horse to attack.

He was able to slash it away, but his stance was faltering already because of what seemed to be cracked bones. You figured you could still protect him if you fled. He's a capable soldier and he'd be able to work around it if he had someone to assist with the distraction.

But even before you could fly he shouted, "Don't leave the commander!" He pertained to you and the other soldier returning to the formation after assisting Levi. "I'll just," He panted as he quickly fled from one direction to another in front of the titan. "Serve as a distraction!"

Erwin and the others were able to immobilize it, but the majority of them were thrown badly to the ground and unable to move anymore due to the impact. That became the hard part because only Erwin and a soldier were working on its back.

"Moses, no!" You shrieked in horror as his speed turned even slower. You stood ready to leave the commander and towards him.

"I know! I'm facing my death without… without fear! The soldiers… we'll be leaving behind will… continue… the fight!" With that, he was finally grabbed by the titan. That became an easy feat now because it will take the titan a while to eat him now. "That's why protect the commander! He'll get us out here someho–" He wasn't able to finish his words because the titan chugged half of his body down.

"That's it! Go!" Erwin shouted at the comrade assisting him on the back, and swiftly, the nape was finally cut. When you reached them, you knew it was all too late. All you could do now is to quickly manhandle as many bodies as you can towards the wagon, whether it was still full in shape or already cut to pieces.

After you finished picking up almost everyone, you went to the wagon to wrap Moses' hand with a thick cloth to carry it yourself. After that, you quickly stormed in front of the commander angrily, "Hold this." You made sure to make your scorn show as you tossed him the heavy limb. He looked immensely taken aback. "Hold the arm of the soldier who swore to protect you until his last breath. Grip on that tightly until we enter the walls again." You knew that was more than enough to bring him back to his senses, despite it being too late.

More than half of you died upon reaching back the walls, marking the expedition as a failure again – great losses with extremely small gains. You were around a hundred when you departed, and you went back around twenty or so. You were a bloody mess as well, unsure if it was from your own or the blood of the bodies you picked up. When safety was guaranteed, your body slowly succumbed to your injuries and you kept on losing your balance. Still, you tried to keep yourself on your horse to push through.

You knew the people of Shiganshina quickly noticed how many losses you had garnered this time around. They always do. You even heard some of them betting on it; more chances of winning for those who vouched for fewer numbers. You can hear their grimaces and silly whispers as your vision continues to blur. Your last inch of consciousness tried to keep you up after hearing a woman shout. "Braun, Braun!" She screamed repeatedly.

Then she quickly rushed towards Shadis who was already approaching to calm her down. She knelt on him in panic, "Excuse me, my son… I'm sorry…" She sobbed. "I can't see my son… Braun… What happened to him?"

"She's Moses' mother," A female soldier clarified.

"Bring it here, then," Shadis replied to the soldier, then whispered instructions as to where.

The poor woman beamed for a while when she saw the soldiers walk back, expecting his son was just injured and unconscious. But when the female soldier grabbed a big thing wrapped in a cloth off Shadis' horse, the mother's face contorted in confusion. Shadis gently held on to it as he passed the heavy thing towards her. "Here,"

When the cloth was finally opened and the mother realized how horrendous his strong son died, Shadis added. "That's it. That's what we're able to recover from him." It was the tipping point and she slouched down to release a loud cry that silenced the whole area. Shadis squatted in an attempt to console the woman and she seemed to be mumbling something behind the loud hiccups. After a while, she shouted again, "Really, it doesn't have to be something outstanding! He offered his death towards humanity's freedom, didn't he?"

You were barely conscious already and you felt like shutting down anytime soon, but then Shadis wailed loudly. "No! It was all for naught! We weren't able to make any progress at all! I've been nothing but incompetent, toying around with the lives of our soldiers. We couldn't find out where they came from, not at all!" He painfully admitted through shameless screams.

"God… shut the fuck up…" Your balance was getting out of hand. "You should've just…" You mumbled, this time making the other soldiers notice your now unsteady movements. "You should've just died, you arrogant bastard… You should've just…"

"Hey! Someone catch her!" Erwin exclaimed, and that's the last thing you heard before your body admitted defeat.

You thought Shadis breaking down like that in pathetic admittance was already the worst thing you could ever lay your eyes on; the realization it brought you was much more horrendous than everything else. However, when you shot your eyes open, everything was way darker than usual. You looked around the infirmary with five other soldiers lying down beside you. This is not the first time you ended up like this but they were all shaking and crying. When you observed them further it looked like they had been doing it for hours already. The synchronous weeping made your blood run cold and you can't even mumble a single word in fear. Quickly, you stood up with a struggle, grabbed a cane near your bed for support, and stormed outside the hall. There were no people to be seen; it's an awful reminder that you were literally wiped out. You panicky walked towards the office but when you came across the open field, you saw a number of soldiers lying on the ground, all of them wailing badly as well.

"What's…happening?" You mumbled in your breath. When a door creaked open, you almost lost your already faltering balance. It was Erwin, surprised at your wrapped-up figure as well.

Instantly forgetting all your disdain towards the man, you slowly ran to him with fear and confusion. He was able to catch you quickly so you won't drop down to the ground. There, you asked; "What's happening?"

"I knew the number of titans we had encountered was insanely strange. They were thrice the usual. Not even the strictest preparations can ever save us from that." He muttered grimly, still holding on to you tight. That expression was more than enough for you to cower in fear as well. The Erwin Smith beside you looked utterly horrified and he wasn't even able to hide it. His eyes were extremely dark and shot wide, while the color on his face was flushed in white, "Wall Maria fell. Citizens are helplessly evacuating as we speak. The titans… finally did it."

With that, you completely dropped down to the ground and Erwin wasn't able to save you from it anymore. Your stomach churned immensely, way more intense than it did during the first expedition. You tried to throw it up. When nothing came out you motioned again, again, and again, and again. you just slouched on the ground desperately waiting for something to come out of your throat. Erwin went down to your level, telling you it would be better if you go back to the infirmary again.

After a while, you realized nothing would come out since you haven't eaten anything. So you just held his arm down and gripped it for dear life. "Shadis, where is he? Where's the commander?"

"That…" Erwin froze on the spot, making you panic at the gesture.

"What?'

He almost faltered, so he massaged his temples frustratingly to keep himself calm. "He just relieved himself from his post."

"Wha…" You weakly mumbled. You were silent for a while and he let you look down in silence as you registered the information.

When you came back from your short shutdown, you flashed him a look of sheer horror again. "Then, what about the Scout? Who's replacing him?" you already knew the answer but you were still hoping for everything to turn out as a big bad joke. However, all hope has left you with his furrowed brows.

"Me," He paused for a while, then regained his composure slowly. "I'm the Survey Corps Commander now."

You woke up devoid of rational thought and the only goal ringing in your head was to not sleep ever again. On the first day, you were completely incapacitated to even go outside and ended up curling like a ball in the corner of your room. You did nothing but shake back and forth; sometimes mindlessly, sometimes with huffed cries. You never stood up to get water, not food even. You were able to get up after your phone alarm rang, marking the second day.

With that, you were finally able to get up somehow, enough to go to your classes. You took your preparation as seriously as possible to hide any dread you have in you; how badly tired you were and how sunken your eyes were. You are also aware that sleeplessness entails sheer restlessness. So to tolerate that, you decided to just crouch down in the field near the building entrance and feed the university cats something you bought from the nearby pet shop.

"Hello there," You mumbled as another cat went towards you, making them five in total. As the little ones went on eating, you spaced out while petting them. You remember the counterpart of your nightmares who frighteningly had the same trivial gestures you have. Having that in mind, you knew you can't fool yourself anymore – that world is dead real, and you have nothing to anticipate from hereon but worsening dread.

You averted your eyes around the field to ground yourself back until you saw Erwin sitting down on a bench near you. He was indulged, again, with a book. There was a cat beside him, eating soundly on a paper cup. When the cat rubbed on him, he just swiftly poured another serving on it and then went back to his book right after. It made you smile slightly. Despite that, however, seeing him like this made you realize that your feelings will never be linear; from fear that transitioned into awkwardness and recently became lightheartedness, you dropped down into something negative again. You may not be immensely afraid of Erwin Smith in this world anymore but you don't think you'll be dropping the feelings your counterpart had towards her commander, not anytime soon.

A moment after, he closed the book and you finally noticed how tired his eyes were. He slowly massaged his temples and eventually looked up at the sky. He seemed completely worn out. Despite its subtlety, you saw his facade slip away. He doesn't look ahead of everything anymore, and doesn't seem like he completely knew how to deal with things; he's just weary, just like you. Your heart swelled in realization; you have someone completely the same as you and if you push the button, you won't be alone dealing with this anymore. He's not on a higher footing, not even in authority to control you the way the commander does. That brightened you up in ways unknown. You don't have to drop the feelings your counterpart has; you can still hold the commander in prejudice, but this one in front of you can never make you feel that way. For the first time in a while since you woke up, you are in solace again.

When Historia shouted your name from afar and Erwin turned immediately upon hearing it, you quickly stood up and ran towards her without staring back.

"Woah," Historia blurted out. "You're completely fixed up."

"Really? Do I look better?"

She curled her eyebrows for a while to ponder and eventually shook her head in disappointment. "Knew it. I thought you just didn't feel like going to school yesterday. When was the last time you slept?"

You gulped, completely taken aback. Despite that, you still came up with an answer. "Rude. Are you telling me I only fix my face up when I'm not on the right mind?"

Historia turned her back on you and walked, "You can't fool me. You know better than that." She muttered.

"You're overreacting," You bit your lip and furrowed your brows in worry. But to avoid letting your facade slip away you released a wry laugh. "Maybe I'd do this every day from now on so you won't be too appalled."

She didn't respond as walked quietly inside the building. Though after a while you can feel her shaking, "You're getting worse recently and I hate the way you keep on brushing that fact off from me. I know I can't completely help you with this but at least spare me from your lies. It's getting on my nerves now." You attempted to keep up with her so you could somehow assure her it wasn't a big deal. However, she quickly cut you off. "Don't try to comfort me on this now. I don't need it."

"Hisu," you lamented. "I'm sorry. Did I get you worried?'

"I said don't make this about me." Historia turned to you with furrowed eyebrows and eyes getting moist, "I don't know if you have something in mind to get away with this state and if I'm not able enough to help you with it so you're not bothering yourself to tell me. That's completely fine. But still, at the very least, don't try to hide the fact that you're not okay."

"Sorry," You stopped walking and looked down at the ground upon realizing that recently, every time Historia checks up on you you keep on either ignoring her or lying about it. "You're right. It's really getting worse now but I don't know how to move forward from it just yet."

You both kept silent for a while. Historia pondered about something and when she was done, she looked at you again. "I'm sure that man has an idea at least. I may not be able to help you this time but he can. Don't talk to me until you got to finally confront him about that." She turned her back on you to walk away. When you called her name she briefly halted, "You just need a really hard push so I'm gonna bet our friendship on this. I'm sure he's still on the field. Go to him now, okay?"

With that, you're all alone in the hallway. You knew how adamant she is on this and that made you quite guilty; she must've been enduring this a lot lately. However, deep inside you were also thankful. You really needed a push; after all, that's the only way you can move forward. You started running towards the field again in hopes that he was still there. And when you stopped in your tracks, you were beyond thankful at the sight. He's now in the exact spot you were sitting in earlier, the only difference is that the cats are now doubled in number. You were amused to say at least. Despite the subtle similarities you have with our counterparts, the fact that you were able to construe how different this one is brought you solace. There's a difference with you as there's with him. Like the person you are in that world, you're still tormented by your lack of direction in life, but at least you have someone with you here. You have a place and people to call home and you can sincerely dedicate your heart to them without any hint of doubt. Erwin Smith is still ten steps ahead and can do everything flawlessly so things would go his way, but he's as tranquil as he could ever be in this world. He's not covered in the grim darkness. He can easily smile here. It doesn't matter if the nightmares aren't just nightmares; You're sure it will be fine as long as You're reminded of that fact from time to time.

You walked toward him to make your presence known and he immediately noticed it as he stood up. You can still feel the anxiousness but unlike before, you were finally able to gulp it down. Your steps are not faltering and your fear isn't turning you back.

"I'm," You tried to stop your pants. "I'm sorry if I'm too late but, if I ever got ready to tell you everything about my nightmares, can I come to you anytime I want? Can I…" You gulped down. "Can I come to you from now on?"

Erwin was taken aback for a while, but then he gave me a solemn smile, "You don't even need to ask. I'm just waiting for you every day to come."

Your chest tugged in ways unknown. If this was said by another person, you wouldn't care too much. But this was Erwin Smith and no one can surpass the connection you had with him; the disdain, the gloom, the pain, the sympathy, and all the tragic things you had experienced together. Erwin is your way out, both from your nightmares and your reality from hereon.