You were still full of bandages and struggling to walk properly when Erwin summoned you to his office. However, that's the least of your concerns. Both of you had the same grim and dread laced on your faces. "How are you?" He asked.
"My body feels numb so the injuries don't hurt that much."
He nodded in acknowledgment, "As you can see, we're facing a huge crisis right now in the regiment and no matter how much we're needed to lessen the casualties, we can do nothing but sit by."
"How are the citizens right now?"
"The rescue operations are still ongoing but the death tolls just keep on increasing. There's an extreme shortage in food and apparently, a large number of rescues were thrown outside Wall Rose to die in attempts to alleviate the scarcity." You gulped and shut your eyes tight at the news, head rang painfully as you imagined everything he said.
"We have to do major restructure in our regiment since more than half of us died in the encounter. We can set aside the Special Operations Squad for now; Levi can handle it on his own. I need you under my command again." You turned your gaze sidewards with furrowed eyebrows. Nonetheless, he continued. "Be my personal aide all the while leading the whole logistics office. With the catastrophe, I'm sure the vast majority of the nobility will be easily clinched and we could get more weapon procurements."
"Are you saying I'll be working for you directly? I know we're short on people as it is but this job can be handled by someone much more loyal and acquiescent to you, someone who doesn't hold you with much disdain." You tiredly mused. "I'm pretty sure we have survivors like that. What makes you disregard it?"
"Your anger in me isn't my priority. What's important is you didn't die. Among the rest of the survivors, you're the one most adept at the job."
"I'm just—" You gently caressed your elbows wrapped in bandages. "—too defeated and demoralized for this. I don't want to fight anymore."
When Erwin called your name, you realized he won't let you out of this room until both of you came to terms with what would happen from hereon. "Now that Wall Maria has been compromised, humanity is facing a very grave situation. Wealth, authority, people's wishes, and fears — all of us will disappear in a blink of an eye the time titans broke another wall. I know you understand it the most. You were able to have Moses' hand back to the walls and should keep on doing so until it's your body we ought to bring. If you face the same fate, I'll have you back here no matter what."
"The fact that I had the chance to save Moses had I not stayed still is enough to shatter down my will. I can't keep on going like this, mindlessly moving forward despite the lives I failed to protect. All my life I did nothing but chase survival for others. I just don't think I could keep on seeking that like I used to. This is my turning point, Erwin. I don't want to be in this position anymore."
"That's why I'm bringing you under my command. You clearly established before that I'm someone shielded from death even with cruel titans, so regain your purpose by protecting me. I'm not gonna die easily." Erwin interjected. "Protect the succeeding Scout soldiers and do things under my will. If you can't find something to dedicate your life to anymore, then lend it to me. I won't let your efforts go to waste."
You looked at him in worry but he reciprocated it with sheer resolution. Not even this predicament can make him cower. "You're down bad for this, aren't you?"
Erwin briefly softened up with a small smile, "I'm aware of that."
"But you have to know that even if I try my hardest, I can't just get along with you again. I was only able to tolerate this by following your orders from afar. While I don't doubt being in this regiment anymore, I hope you won't trust me enough to bring me directly under your command."
"If your disdain towards me is the only way you can move forward then suit yourself. If what you need is someone to blame besides the mindless titans then you can be my guest."
"I thought you're smart enough to not see this as something petty. I know what you did to Vander. He's being arrogant about his leverage to not get blacklisted but you took it away from him. He's misled but the contempt was completely valid. You know that much, don't you?" His face changed then, finally understood what you were talking about. "No matter how excellent you are, you can't control everyone to give way to you when you treat deaths as mere stepping stones. You know it, people will eventually loathe you with all the lives that are lost."
"Admittedly, I still can't unlearn that flaw. That's what made me move forward all this time after all. I'm at a loss on how to do so otherwise." He turned to you again and continued, "Until we finally figure out what's beyond the walls and what made our lives like this, stay angry with me. And all the dread you feel about the people you failed to protect, project all of that towards finding the truth as well. See for yourself what they died for. You could continue fighting that way."
"So the reason you summoned me here is to make me surrender to you again, is that it?"
He shook his head no. "It's me reiterating that you're needed here. The cards I have under my sleeves are measures to keep you from going."
"Even after doing that?" You pertained to Murdoch. This time, his face got replaced with lament and no hint of resolution anymore. That look is what you need. If he'd continue perceiving your disdain as something directed only to his methods, you'll finally admit defeat from understanding him for the sake of your brother's will. "Answer me, Commander."
"Yes. Even after doing that." You took note of his features then — fist tightened, eyebrows curled, lips pursed tight, eyes completely regretful.
You nodded, "You don't need to lay your cards on me, I'm staying because I want to protect my comrades. Have Levi protect you with all his might instead. I'm sure he would."
"That's the only thing I need, your unwavering regard for the lives of your comrades." He nodded in acknowledgment. The agenda's finished, then. "Also, about the time when we went out; when I brought you to the home your brother had left you, I meant everything I've said that time." And so you weren't able to hide what that remark made you feel. Despite you saying how much you loathe his tendencies, that moment is actually what's holding you down from completely turning your back on him. Your downcast expression can't go unnoticed as well. "I'm sorry."
You fixed composure or attempted so. "N-no. Not the apologies. It's just that— I just thought that day was bright for me but I can't think of it the same again."
"I mean it when I say I regret it."
"I'll excuse myself now. My wounds are starting to hurt again. Let's talk about the recalibration after people get enough rest."
You turned your back and twisted the knob until Erwin called your name again. What you saw upon turning back was his wistful smile. "It was a really bright day for me as well, perhaps I'm too greedy to still regard it as a happy memory after everything that's happened."
Your hold on the knob tightened and the lump in your throat intensified. However, your confrontations with him always end up this way. Maybe it wouldn't be too bad to stray from it from time to time. "What made it bright for you?"
And indeed, he was quite taken aback at that. You're expected to walk away as usual, after all. "When we reached the house. That smile."
You nodded then. The smiles were your favorite part too.
"I came to him that day," You have no idea how many pokes you've given to Historia already. "Hey, notice me now." And yet she just blew on her newly polished nails without looking at you. You kept on doing that until the rest of the group arrived at the cafe.
"Yo," Eren flatly greeted as he dropped his things on the table. They're late by more than an hour.
"Did you hang out before this?" You asked.
"Yeah, the training just finished," Ymir responded.
"You should've told us in the group chat." Historia tiredly mused.
Despite them being late, they decided to talk about their lives first— how yummy the food in this cafe is, how cute Furlan is, and how grumpy Levi's composure is. You heaved a heavy sigh and slouched your head on the table as they continued. Historia remained silent as well.
After a while, Levi went to your table for another round of food. "I hope you are studying very properly and not wasting your life over games." He shot Mikasa a look.
"The games you're mentioning are what I study about." She answered. "I hope you're keeping your Uncle Kenny in check. He's on the news again. Maybe he needs to be tamed by your love again."
Levi almost flinched at the mention of the doting man. You pursed your lips to hide a sneer but he saw it quick. Before he could drop a banter, however, you spoke. "Levi, I have to talk to you about something, are you available this weekend?"
"That better be important."
"Very." You said with a hard stare.
It looks like he understood what that was so he nodded. "It will be a long talk, then."
"What's that?" Historia turned to you after Levi walked away, wide-eyed.
You flatly glanced at her. "I thought you're still angry,"
Historia puffed her face, "Fuck you."
"I'm sorry." You laughed. "Levi seems to know something. I'm not sure what it is, though. That's why I'm gonna talk to him."
"No fucking way." Historia blurted out loudly and the group became silent as they turned to her.
"Why?" Ymir pressed.
"Sorry," Historia mumbled then decided to brush everything off for now. "Hey! How long are we gonna sit by like this? Let's start now!"
So you did, the teams gave updates and the outline was finally finished. As you went on the research part which was tasked primarily to Historia, everyone paused as she looked hesitant.
"Why? You okay?" You asked.
She sighed and just grabbed something from her bag. It was Erwin's book. "Sorry, I wasn't able to dig down in research yet because I got this. It's an anthology where Erwin's story was featured."
"What?" Ymir was baffled. "He had books?"
"I mean, as he should. How could he teach us if he doesn't have one?" Historia said as a matter of fact. "Anyway, I read into it and I initially don't have any plans to share this with you. It's just that, it's really similar. Different setting, but still insanely similar premise."
"Really? How so?" You knew there had to be similarities but this matter totally went out of your mind hence you never got to check it.
Historia cleared her throat, "So, A Bird in a Cage, Erwin's short story, is about a group of people with about a hundred families or so, living as a civilization on a small island. Despite suffering from immense famine, they were told by the elders that no one should ever dare to sail miles away from the island because they believed the world is flat and what awaits you from the ocean is a humongous waterfall that'll kill you without leaving a trace. A farmer boy, tired of how hard life was and how the people die continuously from the surging epidemic, wages a revolution against the elders, thus making a large boat fit for those who swear to believe in the cause: finding a land further than the waters."
You instantly snatched the book and flipped it yourself as they continued talking.
"So our story is the same. It's just that instead of waters, we're on the land and walls?" Mikasa mused.
"Yeah, but in Erwin's story, no one got to know if there's indeed something beyond the unknown. They all died in the water." Your stomach churned with Historia's remark.
"Why would he do that?" Eren scorned. "What's the point of writing that plot when no one gets to have something?"
"Because it's not focused on getting answers. It's highlighting the process instead. At one point a bunch of people was thrown out of the boat because of the food scarcity. Even had one eaten for dinner, I swear to god—" Historia massaged her temples. "I thought it's a kid-friendly story."
"The main character let a lot of people die and heed it no mind because he knew it's necessary to achieve the goal. It's just that things finally came down when everyone ended up dying. While they proved every superstition as false, they're still unable to find anything besides water." When everyone but you looked at him, he clarified. "I read it before. I also saw the similarities but only after Historia pointed it out. Sorry."
"And the main lead was a downright bastard with a messianic complex or something. Their achievements made him confident too. I guess what he wanted to say was that even if people believe that the end justifies the means, it's really not the case, especially for those who established the means themselves. The time they realize all that's lost with their actions regardless of the results; they should never think of anything else but to pay for what they've done. He's successful with that. The ending was cathartic for me."
Going through the story you realized; right, he went too much. The main character was a bit too distorted. You can't even see the commander doing such things himself. Is this how he saw himself all this time? You massaged your temples to stop the heavy emotions from slipping away and just waited for the meeting to end. When the group concluded everything, you quickly stood up from your seat with the book in your hands.
"Where are you going?" Historia asked.
You heaved a sigh. "I admit defeat now. I can't do this alone anymore."
"That took you long, idiot." Historia bantered. "Go to him now for real. The last time you did was barely progress. I never thought you'd be dumb like that."
You let out a small laugh and told her goodbye. She's right. It took you so long. That's why you went running from the cafe towards his office and banged the door open. Erwin flinched at the sudden noise. He's sitting in the corner of his office with a pile of books on the floor, casually wearing a dark blue sweater and slacks, no shoes but socks. He seemed so relaxed on the spot.
"What are you doing?" You asked as you tried to stabilize your breathing.
"Fixing stuff. How about you? What made you run here like that?"
After calming down, you slid the door shut and flashed the book at him. The look on his face changed as if he immediately understood the reason you stormed here. "You know what I'm about to say, right?" You asked lowly. That was rhetorical. Erwin knew; he completely knew what you're on.
"Uh," He trailed, attempting to be confused. You shot him a glare. "I might need you to elaborate." The way he sounded almost playful irked you.
You don't have enough time and patience for this, "I need you to stop fucking around—"
You were quickly cut off by his chuckle. "I won't entertain a bad-mouthed fan."
"You seem to enjoy this a lot,"
"I am," He admitted and it made you sigh in defeat.
Complying with his dilly-dallies, you skimmed through the pages until you reached the last part of his short story. "About the death part." You tried to point out slowly, wishing he'd end messing with you and just go straight to the topic.
"Yes, what about it?"
"Please!"
"Sorry, I just felt a bit too good today." He answered. "You're the one who came to me this time after all."
Just like that, all your annoyance dropped down into nothingness. He patiently waited for this moment; for you to come to him on your own accord. Who are you to deprive him of your patience this time? He remained relaxed on his spot on the floor, looking above you, not letting any details of this moment slip.
"Okay, so, we talked about this book in the group meeting earlier because Hisu thought it had an uncanny resemblance. That's what made me storm here." You sat down on the floor so you would be on the same level.
"Resemblance? How?"
"This part," You flashed him the page. "I told you already. The death part."
"Right, but how?"
"Seriously? Do you want me to read this out loud?"
"If that's okay?" He almost laughed.
Your look started to plead then but his curiosity and amusement were unrelenting.
After clearing your throat, you begrudgingly acquiesced. "By this time I can't feel my legs anymore. The piece of wood I hopelessly cling to becomes heavier to hold and I'm certain in a moment or two, I'll be letting it go. How many hours or days have passed? I hope the cold could answer that. Above everything, however, a more important question rang in me; in the last moment of my comrades' lives, had they believed that all of this was worth it? Or have they thought they shouldn't have listened to someone shamelessly fooling them around?" You cut yourself off with that.
Reading this out loud evoked a lot more emotions. You can't believe this monologue was meant to be read as something comical. It left a bitter taste in your mouth for what you're uttering right now is in no way fictional, at least from this moment onwards. It's from a real person, haunted by things he never had done in this life. Thoughts that are spoken by someone who had viewed lots of distorted things, one of which was his own self. Even if you knew well that the commander had tendencies to be evil, you never thought Erwin would see him way worse than that.
"As my eyes turn to look at the sky despite the already blurry vision, I wonder if I have the right to weep in despair. There's no sun in sight, I wonder if I have the right to hope it'd cry in my stead. For those who had led death way more painful than my slow demise, I wonder if they could ever forgive me as well. However, not even the moment of death shall I be spared. Even if I were to carry the sins of leading everyone to their deaths and pay for it for the rest of my eternity, I should not be forgiven." You paused again.
And when you looked up at him, there's no playfulness in his face anymore. If the sight is in your dreams instead, you'd wake up disturbed as you don't see him as someone completely human. But this present and tangible man in front of you along with his wistful face made you think about why you delayed things this long.
Why? When both of us needed someone to share this burden with?
Your eyes went back to the book and skimmed on another one. "After all the useless hardships we spent and deaths I deemed as sacrifices, I never managed to have at least a single one survive, a single one to know if we were actually near to completing our journey or if this cause was really just an illusion I was so desperate to chase—" that's it.You dropped the book down to the ground. You can't read it any further.
By this time you know this man in front of you isn't someone deserving of your disdain. No matter what you and your counterpart feel about that soldier, you can never associate it with what you'll be having towards the Erwin in front of you. He's completely wrong; it will never be useless and he's definitely someone to be forgiven. He existed right in front of you and so you'd see to it that it's done. He will be forgiven.
As soon as you felt tears pool down your eyes, you swatted them with your hands. Muttered a weak fuck along the way as if frustration would make it stop. It wasn't long until you huffed continuous sobs though. "Crap. I can't believe you got famous with that crap."
"I guess it really is if you're the one to say it," He chuckled as you felt him go near you, still with your head covered down.
"Tell me—" You stuttered. "Now that you're here, do you still think no one should ever forgive you? Is that how you lived this life all along?" You mustered all the courage you needed to finally regard the nightmares as something much better — a real moving world. "Is that how you really see yourself until now, Commander?"
Finally, you felt him towards you, holding your shoulders only to grab them to himself. With wide eyes and choked tears, you realized you were finally able to reach him. He hugged you very firmly, almost melting your figure along the way. The deep sigh of relief that tingled the skin on your neck was the final confirmation — he's real and here but unlike that world, he's not scary, not in any way ruthless, and most importantly, he doesn't hate you.
"You have no idea how happy I am the day I came and saw you here." He remarked. "Now I can finally atone for all I've done."
"The fact that you remember it as well is already an atonement." You muffled on his sweater, frustrated. "And what was that? Was that character really supposed to be you? You had your tendencies but that's way too much. We never ate human meat when supplies got scarce!"
He chuckled and slowly got himself out of the hug but remained the proximity. Your eyes glued down on the ground then, busied yourself up by wiping your face. You haven't fully diminished the way you saw him for all the years you lived in your life and so you might get scared having it up bright and front.
He called your name and you hummed. Upon realizing the reluctance, he prompted gently. "Look at me."
"I think I'll need time for that. I'm used to being far from you in my dreams."
He moved a few centimeters away. "Is this fine?" I don't think it changed at all!
You sighed; you can't just go back to square one with this. Upon turning to look at him up close, however, you realized the fear was unnecessary. He looked gentle, awfully bright but still gentle. You were made aware of the features you failed to notice because of how grimly you see him in your nightmares. He looked so human, not a cruel one at that. Among all the pretty details that you might be too nervous to point out yet, what you can't brush off is how beautiful his eyes really are.
Those very eyes looked at you tenderly as if he waited all his life for this as well. With utter relief and gratitude, he called your name. "Thank you for coming to me."
After all the suffering, you finally managed to move one step forward.