"I thought you're dead tired after turning down the official asking for a drink." You poured Erwin's glass with champagne. "So why are we here?"

"I thought you're going to follow me with no questions at hand," Erwin responded with a tired voice and tired eyes.

"You're pertaining to questions at work, which apparently we're not in right now." Even though you're used to seeing this kind of face throughout the years since he became a commander and having you by his side all the time, you're still uncomfortable at the sight of his vulnerability. "Also, you look like you're about to be knocked out anytime soon. Why drink like this?"

"To alleviate tension so I could sleep properly." He quickly emptied the glass. "More."

You rolled your eyes but poured on it regardless. "I'm not getting paid enough for this."

Erwin sneered, "Then maybe work harder on leading the whole logistics office, team leader."

"We're in an abundance of supplies and I take pride in that. I wonder why you're still not satisfied with a job consistently well done."

"Because we don't have the budget for drinks yet and I have to come here to pay for it." He deadpanned and you pursed your lips to hold down a laugh.

"The reputable Erwin Smith being greedy even in alcohol, what a sight to see."

"You don't understand. Soldiers have a hard job. A budget for alcohol among others is imperative for the betterment of their well-being. That way they could do their job in their best form."

"Please stop. You sound like Commander Pyxis." You lamented. "And why do you always point this out very seriously whenever you're drinking?"

Erwin hummed. "I suggest you try it, maybe that'd decrease your nagging."

"Who will accompany you home if I'm not sober?"

"I'm not a kid."

"Yeah, no kid is swaying on the road with elegant composure during a busy weekend."

"Sorry."

You shook your head in disappointment. "You always look like you're coming home from a failed expedition recently. I thought you were delighted to have that titan kid under your wing." You heaved a sigh at the flash of memory. "I never thought I had to prevent normal citizens from seeing the inebriated Scout Regiment's commander last week."

"Well, a huge turn of events means twice the work. That and the mysterious murder of Hange's experimental titans." This time, Erwin poured the champagne into a spare glass. "Tell me," He slid that glass towards you. "Who do you think the enemy is?"

"Huh?"

"Yes. Enemy."

"The primary mission you entailed me to do was to protect the regiment from humans who want us down." You pondered. "But all the years I've served under you I realized I need to see everyone against you as my enemy." You sipped on the drink he offered. "That's it, I think. Even if I hate admitting it sometimes." Erwin hummed. "Why?" You asked.

Erwin was silent for a while with his eyes glued randomly to a shelf placed in front of the bar table. After a while, he clicked his tongue. "Nothing." He tapped on his glass, urging you to pour more.

That made you sullen, "Please don't make this harder for me again. I won't hesitate to leave you lying on the ground this night."

He ignored your remark. After the glass was full, he called your name lowly. "Tomorrow I'll drop an order for another expedition set as soon as possible. You'll be having a difficult job this time around. We have to accumulate budget and supplies thrice as usual."

"Thrice?" You almost exclaimed. "That would be hard considering we just had an expedition recently. Don't you think it's too soon? And why that much?"

"This is a crucial one. I can't say more than that."

You were stuck pondering how you could even do that much; accumulating the usual budget is a challenging feat already. However, this is an order. There's no bearing in trying to question it with this man who's utterly secretive of his strategies. "Very well then. Leave that to me."

"As expected of my very capable aide." Erwin smiled slightly. "You better show me how excellent you really are for the succeeding months."

"Maybe if you don't give me a hard time assisting you home tonight." You gruffed, "I don't understand you going to a bar this far when there's a lot nearer the barracks."

"I used to come here often during my days in cadet. The nostalgic feeling makes the mood lighter." He chugged down. This time, he's the one to pour on his own glass. "And I once held the bartender here with affection."

You nodded mindlessly, trying to find the bartender in question. However, you only noticed one person doing the job and that made your eyebrows raise in confusion. "He looked like decades older than you but I guess he's way younger during your training days…?" You muttered.

Erwin turned his gaze in the direction you're looking at and the realization made him laugh out loud. You continued to look at him with perplexity. "Sorry. Not that one."

"Oh." You nodded again, but then you realized no other person serves here rather than this man who's seemingly not too long for this world. You figured he might be embarrassed to admit that. "I'm not the one to judge so you don't need to worry."

"Seriously, not that one." He tried to hold down his laugh now, albeit struggling hard to do so. "I noticed she doesn't come here anymore. She might be busy taking care of her child or she might've shifted jobs already. I'm not sure."

"Ah," You actually don't care about the matter. However, what made you glue your eyes to him was the way he looked slightly lighter again. "Seems like the alcohol really helped in making you relaxed now."

"No. It was actually your horrified face that did the job."

"You said it was the bartender!" You got flustered. "And I'm not horrified, I'm just quite taken aback."

He's continued smirking while softly swirling his glass around to mix the last bits of his drink. After emptying it he let out a quite satisfied sigh. "I guess I'll be able to sleep soundly now. Let's go."

You stood up and grabbed your coat. "Thanks for not making this hard."

"That's just a one-time event. Don't hold too much disdain on that." He fixed himself as well.

"I was too tired that day. I didn't understand why I had to do that."

"I'll accompany you home this time to make up for it."

"Unnecessary."

"I insist." He paused for a while as both of you finally went out. "This night is certainly a calm before the storm and I opt to relish it somehow." He mindlessly looked up at the sky now with a sullen face. You had no other response to come up with rather than looking at him silently. He's right. Despite you barely regarding this night as a leisure time unlike Erwin, you briefly forgot about the matter both of you have to face. You heaved a tired sigh. "Let's just have the carriage go in two drop-offs. My house first."

You can't stress enough how bad you felt upon opening your eyes up until you reached the school premises. You held your tummy with furrowed brows and shut your eyes tight as your fellow schoolmates talked. "I feel like I haven't eaten for days. My stomach's churning badly."

Furlan looked at you in worry, "You need to go to the infirmary or something?" You shook your head and patted his shoulder, your eyes still squinting in slight discomfort. "Don't worry. I'll just go home immediately after this."

Furlan nodded, "I'll go with you in case it gets worse."

Both of you shifted your attention back to the meeting at hand with Eren already shouting in excitement, "I swear! We're currently working on this story in one subject but making it as our theme will look really cool!"

Eren was apparently the committee head for the upcoming university lantern parade. The festival features different colleges competing with each other and the most well-made lantern will garner great perks for the winning colleges. Some with relatively fewer students, like yours and Eren's, collided together so the lantern could be easily accomplished. That said, you volunteered to be one of the college representatives of the ad hoc committee just so you won't need to actively partake in the stressful and time-consuming process of making it. Furlan volunteered to be part of it as well which explains why you're together at the moment.

"Eren." You called him out in horror. "You're making our story the theme?"

"Why? Don't you think it's cool?" Your stomach finally had a clear reason to churn.

"I can't grasp how could we do that," Sasha muttered with her mouth full of food.

"It's actually a great idea! We could make a lantern of the titans!" Armin beamed, "And during the parade, people from Sports Sciences who could parkour would be doing stunts! Like jumping or flying toward the lantern and cutting on specific parts that would make it boom! Whatever trick we could come up with!"

"That's an instant win!" Eren exclaimed loudly, and someone at the back shouted back in concurrence.

Oh god. These kids.

"It's settled then," Furlan concluded. "So for today, we could brainstorm with the lantern design and division of tasks, right?" Eren nodded. Furlan then added that on the minutes.

"Who could lead the brainstorming?" Jean asked.

Eren quickly pitched your name as he turned to you and you let out a confused huff. "I mean, the whole idea came from you. You could at least illustrate what they look like, right? And the parkour team, you could come up with their concept as well."

"Hey, aren't you piling up so many tasks on her?" Jean scorned.

Eren faced Jean, "If she did the brainstorming then she can consider her job in the whole process done," He turned to you again. "That's why you pitched yourself in the ad hoc right? So you wouldn't need to participate in the making process."

"Man, this guy's real blunt." Ymir shook her head in disbelief. "And when I thought the story made you uncomfortable."

"It still does! But it sounded so interesting."

"Hm," You bit your lower lip. The titans as the lantern, the Survey Corps uniforms as the parkour team's costume, and how they should cut the titan – illustrating it and seeing it done in this world – you're not sure if that would be a great idea. "I'll think about it."

Eren called your name flatly. "Come on, I know they were all part of your horrifying experiences but they're not real and you don't have to be held back by them. Just establish all of those as fictional by pitching it here, just like how you did in our subject."

You got silent with that and the members seem to wait for your response. Setting aside the fact that Eren is clearly using this a number of times already because the premise seems cool to him, you honestly pondered about what he said. It wasn't fictional, that's what you could attest, but were you still held down by it? Even if Erwin's here already? You repeated the question in your head multiple times and the silence went on for a while.

"Horrifying experiences? What's that?" Someone from the back broke the silence.

"I don't think you should have a say on that matter, Eren." Furlan flatly said when no response was garnered from you. His tone immediately made you snap back to reality because he was deeply annoyed.

"Huh?" Eren scorned. "I'm literally helping her get over it."

"What does that even mean?" Sasha wasn't mumbling with food anymore.

"Eren, we don't have to force her. We could come up on the theme ourselves since we already got the gist in our story."

"No. She needs to do this."

"Why? This matter is just a dumb cool concept for you so you feel like trampling on it? Is that what you're saying?"

"Hey," You placed a hand on Furlan's shoulder. "Stop that. He's not entirely wrong on it."

"He is," Furlan muttered as he turned his gaze towards you with a glare. "I know how bad the situation was. Don't expect me to sit down with someone obviously trying to play it down."

"I know but don't register the anger on my behalf." You replied. He ended up shaking his head in disappointment and just glued his eyes on the laptop where the minutes rest.

You heaved a sigh; It's fine, I'm not dealing with this alone. You turned to Eren, "Sorry, I spaced out. Please don't make the mood heavy." You turned towards everyone and they were all confused except Ymir as well as Armin who's just staring worriedly. "I just considered whether I want it to be exact or not. I'm not saying I won't do it."

"Oh, sorry." Eren cleared his throat. "I'm not trampling on it. I just thought you should not regard this matter very negatively from now on. I also apologize if I came off as rude."

"But you were rude." Ymir laughed.

"Seriously!" A bald man exclaimed. You don't know his name. "What's up with that! I'm getting really confused!"

"Sorry. We're just messing around." Armin sheepishly replied, then proceeded to explain the whole idea so the committee members would get the context minus the nightmares part. It hyped them up so much and they concurred without hesitation. "She gave me a scribble on the military uniform when I asked her to. Maybe we could use this as the parkour teams' costume." The people near Armin scooted towards him so they could see the scratch paper. Eren walked towards him as well.

"What's the color of this uniform?" Eren inquired.

"Whichever looks good for you." As you decided to not give them too many particularities so they could still have a creative turnaround on it, the meeting was concluded and your job was done. Throughout the period, you didn't really participate much in the making process. They made you sit by the parkour team's practices so you could comment from time to time, and watching them somehow amused you. You know how it feels doing it and even if you don't have any idea how, you felt like you could do it with them if you tried.

That's why when all of you, along with some professors, finally saw the finished product at the gymnasium – the titans and the parkour team in costume – you were frozen on the spot. The first thing that perturbed you was the fact that you didn't say anything about the color of the costume but they got it perfectly. Secondly, the titan lanterns. Despite you drawing it for them you never thought seeing it firsthand would make you this horrified. You knew it won't be a big deal. You were certain it won't so you don't understand why you're trembling right now.

"Whoa!" Historia came by running. "I stopped by because Ymir said it was inspired by our story! It looks so damn good!" She squealed and jumped in excitement. "I don't care if our college loses, this has to win!"

"You look like a kid. Stop jumping around." Ymir chuckled but was glad at her reaction.

"I only visualized it in my mind for years!" She clung to your arm. "You did so well!"

You didn't respond, not even a single move. As you examined the lanterns longer, you realized why it horrified you. One of them was the face of the titan you first encountered; the one who ate your brother. You started shaking more at the realization, screaming profanities in your head, blaming every inch of you for drawing it randomly without giving it much thought, and most of all, for not remembering it properly. Aside from the shudder was rage; the primal urge to slice the nape of the lifeless figure your fellow students worked so hard to make, to shatter it violently until it's no more recognizable.

You tried looking around to calm yourself down, concealing the tremble from the keen girl beside you. You stopped upon seeing Erwin from afar with his gaze averting towards you the same time you did to him. His arms were crossed and his brows were furrowed. He looked quite taken aback at the sight as well. The stare down went for a while until you realized; No, I was wrong. His presence wasn't enough for this. Still facing him, your face crunched in panic and you clenched your fist until your knuckles turned white; all the while toning down the sheer trembling. He seemed to notice that immediately with his flat stare turned into worry.

In hopes Historia would buy your lie and let you out, you shakingly withdrew her arm clinging to you. "Ah, my stomach has been acting up for a while now. I think I need to go to the toilet."

"Seriously? You should've just rested in your home." Historia said.

"The comfort room's just behind the building," Ymir added.

With your flight response finally taking over your mind, you ran as hard as you could; away from the scene so it would be saved from your mindless wrath, away from the students so they won't see you getting berserk at something they created with sheer effort.

The next thing you knew, you were curled on your knees in the corner of the dark storage room with the barely opened door not doing a good job in hiding you. No tears were coming out but the tremble compensated in letting the emotions out. You attempted rocking back and forth for it to subside and tried to stop your ragged breathing so this room won't end up swirling in your eyes. You tried consoling yourself; it had to be this rather than instigating commotion. You don't know how much time had passed and you took no mind of it, but you let out a high-pitched gasp when the door creaked open.

He looked down at you unperturbed, not withdrawing his hold from the door at first. When he realized you were in a heap, he walked towards you and crouched down so your faces would be on the same level. And as if Erwin's presence was the much-needed trigger, tears finally pooled down your eyes while your face remained unmoved – no eyebrows crunching, no lips curling, not even a sob. Still, he remained unshaken and seemingly aware of what to do. He slid his hand to wipe your tears away, not muttering a single word as he did.

After a while, he sternly commanded. "Breathe."

You realized you really weren't breathing, but his voice was an order and your body's innate response to follow it worked.

"Slowly." He added, still with authority.

You gulped down and struggled for a while but he patiently waited and continued to do what he was doing. When you finally calmed down and the tears subsided, you glued your eyes tiredly on the floor and both of you stayed silent.

"Sorry. I don't know what came to me." You sniffed emptily.

"The reaction was valid. No apologies needed." He wasn't crouching anymore, just settled on his seat on the floor facing you.

"They did a very good job. I almost thought they were all aware of it and just fooling me around."

He smiled weakly. "They won't be too delighted if they knew."

"This was such a dumb thing to do," You muttered as you pulled your hair in frustration. "I underestimated the situation."

"How did you guys even end up with that?"

"That titan kid was dead set on it." The familiar nickname made him snort slightly. "Told me it was fictional so I should just jive in."

"Figures. He looked completely delighted at the result."

"I think it's better if I just don't go. I might lose control and slice the lantern's nape otherwise."

"But the upcoming festival seems lively, you shouldn't miss that."

"It really is. I always look forward to it despite not participating much in the process. But it's different now and I brought this upon myself." You turned to look him in the eyes. "That must be uncomfortable to see. Sorry for that."

"I heard from the faculty that it's about giants so I kind of expected it, though I was really surprised at the finished product. The lantern looks bad and the uniform's bland, but they got the gist. I give them that."

You chuckled, "I can't believe you're still having standards in a time like this."

"As I should. But what made you so afraid of it?"

"I don't think it's fear. I turned cold feet knowing how bad I wanted to destroy that. Even if I knew they won't be happy about it, a voice screamed in me that I have to do it quick before someone dies."

He nodded in acknowledgment. "So you still have the knack of protecting everyone." Your eyes widened with his remark. You didn't notice that at all. You were sure the only thing you picked up was silly trivial habits like the love for cats.

"Erwin," You said and his brows perked up; you dropped the honorifics again. But when he noticed you're unmoved by it and clearly didn't care, he gave up. "Do you think everyone here is still the same? If everything in here crumbled and we all got thrown in that land, do you think everyone will respond the way we witnessed it?"

"All of us would die." Erwin chuckled as a matter of fact. "The vertical maneuvering gear takes a lot of time to master. And the people here seemed to be a bunch of weaklings."

"That's a bad thing to say." You scorned. "But then, when I saw them parkour I thought I could join them with ease. Don't you feel the same?"

"I admit I was relatively stronger even at a young age and I picked up a number of habits. It's still completely different, though. If we weren't able to remember then that world is basically nonexistent."

"So why are you trying to pay for your sins?" You blurted out. The way his eyes widened made you realize how blunt the question was. "You're indebted to no one in this world."

Erwin took time to answer. He looked down at the floor and smiled mournfully. "Charging thousands of people to death is something not payable even in numerous lifetimes."

"But this world is completely different. I'm not the one to talk but you might be getting too swayed by your feelings."

"If I get to remember then I have to atone for it." He firmly replied.

"Then are we supposed to be tied in this predicament for the rest of our lives? Should I be tormented for the life of my brother? Or wrathful of every giant thing I lay my eyes on?" Your voice was rising slightly. You felt not only frustration for reacting terribly to a silly caricature but also worry at this man spending the years of his life with his guilt eating him up.

He looked at you with a subtle but knowing smile. "Are you perhaps trying to downplay the horror you felt upon seeing the lantern?"

"No!" Lies.

"There's nothing embarrassing about feeling that way, let alone admitting your frustration on that matter."

"I'm not ashamed. I just stand on the notion that we should not let the anguish decide for us. You said that to me yourself; if we continue being driven by our emotions then we won't be able to survive." You never thought you'd ever say that in this lifetime, but you think having someone could really make a huge difference and make you braver.

"But I was wrong at some parts. Feelings embody a huge role in how we act whether it's a positive thing or not. A wise mind entails weighing down both rationale and emotions. If you ignored one of them then it would subject you to endless torment."

You averted your gaze sidewards, calmed down but still hesitant. "But if we keep on considering that then how can we move forward?" You muttered.

He placed his hand on your head, noticing how he made this a habit. "Acting out on how tormenting that world was and acknowledging how different things are now doesn't need to be put against each other. Even if I'm dead set on embodying my guilt, I still appreciate the things I could do here." He ruffled your hair, "Like this one, for example."

The remark made you flustered and your train of thought was cut off. You ended up puffing in your seat as he humored himself. When you realized you can't bring the thoughts back, you changed the topic. "Why did you tell Levi I like head pats?"

He was taken aback, "You don't?"

"I don't!" You interjected. "Now he's treating me like a kid."

"You don't need to be a kid to like head pats."

"No shit. I don't know that." You sarcastically replied.

"Now that you know, do you think you could like it this time?"

"Shut up."

He chuckled, his hands slid from your head towards your cheek and tapped it twice. "Calmed down now?"

"Yeah, it was replaced by annoyance. I wonder about all the things you weren't able to do in that world that you want to do now."

"Talking about it would take us days." He stood up from his seat and offered his hand to you. "Come on now and join the festival. You don't need to protect anyone anymore. Let me do that this time around."

Time and time again, his words keep on surprising you. This isn't about you being flustered at his pretty eloquence but rather the admittance that you desperately want to have someone to rely on this time around. You reached for his hands and stood up from your seat, "I'll be in your care then."

As both of you walked back to the gymnasium, you briefly reflected on the conversation you just had and Levi's request ringed in your head. "Erwin," You called without facing him. "Don't you dare fail what you just told me, you could take all your time coming to terms with your guilt but don't disappear on us to pay for it."

"Why would I do that?"

"Addressing guilt entails thoughts of making your life as miserable as possible, thinking you don't deserve things let alone a company to share that burden with." You turned to him, "I hope you won't let that feeling alone come up in your head and blur what's ahead of you. That way it would be possible for me as well."

With that, he's not lightened up anymore. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes laced with sheer lament. It should've been a trivial matter but it did the same to you. That expression alone made you realize that sometimes what you're all saying might be too good to be true, no matter how convicted you are in expressing it.