As the investigation of who killed Sawney and Bean pushed through, you spent all of your time in the procurement of supplies, arranging different meetings with noblemen and high ranking officials, going with Erwin, and ensuring the confidentiality of the upcoming expedition. The agenda Erwin disclosed to everyone was to scout in the nearby area and come back alive; nothing more, nothing less. He explained that this short distance expedition will serve as a trial for bringing back Eren to Shiganshina district.
You laughed in your mind at how Erwin managed to make a whole battalion believe such a vague command, to say at least. But the matter entailed sheer torment much worse than usual. This expedition is completely different in nature and that alone is enough to bid everyone who knew of it with shudder, It's completely warranted especially when you're well awatre that everyone behind the command unit will be sacrificed one way another.
When the Scouts went past beyond the walls, you immediately heard news of multiple squads being wiped out and they're still dying as you guys speak. What's worse was the signal from the right flank indicating they all suffered a severe blow and can't continue the operation further. The said flank contained a whole bunch of soldiers very excellent in combat which makes it an immensely grave news.
Hearing that, the squads behind you were all deep in worry. They tried to think of how to convince the commander to just go back since like he said, this is just a trial expedition with no clear goal hence it doesn't seem worth it to lose so much. After a while, someone dared to speak. "Commander, at this point I think we're losing more than half of our soldiers." A squad leader beside you remarked, "It won't be too late if you signal everyone to go back."
"No." Erwin sternly interjected. "We'll continue." You shut your eyes tight with that, trying to set aside the graphic scenario flashing in your head instrusively. When you finally reached the forest, Erwin dropped a command again. "Relay this to the rear: only the central column wagon escorts are to enter the forest." And they did as he told. While the rest of the squad circled around the forest, all of you settled in the middle of it and set up the explosives quickly.
As you waited for the hypothetically titan shifter to come through, you tried to rationalize your trembling thoughts. Even if you completely understood why he chose to have the real agenda hidden to almost everyone, the thought of the Scouts going back the walls with around twenty people again haunted you. They could at least manage and prepare on this had they known they'd deal with an intelligent titan.
That said, you were grimly reminded of how far Erwin could go.
No, actually not. You weren't being reminded at all because you're seeing a whole new thing; a whole new side of Erwin standing before you, channeling his new and concrete goal mercilessly without a hint of doubt. Now that there's actually a straightforward way to corner the enemy, as bitter as it sounds, you realized this was very much needed.
You all hear the stomp go nearer and nearer and when it finally daunted to all of you, Erwin shouted. "Fire!"
Despite the preparation, the situation just kept on being surprising. First, this titan's features looks awfully specific. There's no doubt she's some girl living inside the walls. Second, when she screamed and a bunch of mindless titans chomped down to eat her, the agenda immediately twisted; "All squads, commence to attack! Defend the female titan to death!" Erwin roared in rage. However, that's beyond everyone's control. The steam was too hard and the titans were too many. Almost ten soldiers died from that alone.
When you came back to him, however, Erwin was smiling like a maniac. "She got us."
"So what the fuck are you gleaming for?" Levi glowered in horror and you were dead frozen too.
"She was prepared to give up everything." Still beaming, he continued. "I never thought she would let the titans eat her to erase the information we're so desperate to have."
"Right," You muttered grimly still with wide eyes towards him. "So call for everyone to go back before these fuckers finish their feast and have us for dessert."
So he did, "All troops, pull out! Get to your horses while the titans are focused on her remains. We'd leave all the wagons behind! Gather west of the titan forest and get back in formation! We're returning to Karanes District." The soldiers quickly fled to relay the command.
"After all my bluster in front of the council, we still got no gains other than exceeding the record of death tolls. I wonder what will happen to us and Eren when we came back to the gates." Levi grimaced.
"If we got to come back, that is." You replied as you watched the chilling sight of the titan feast. Levi huffed a tsk and Erwin remained silent for a while.
"We don't have time to ponder on that. The priority for now is to lessen the casualties." He stated as a matter of fact and as if realizing something, he added. "Levi, don't go back yet. Replenish your gas and and blades first."
"Huh? That'd take so much time. I have enough until we get out of this mess. Just let me go back to my squad." Levi shot back. You were taken aback as well. Levi could ensure the lives of a lot of soldiers out of this catastrophe somehow.
"That's an order. Obey." He interjected firmly. He could at least tell us why.
Levi looked at him in disbelief but realized it was futile, "Yes, sir." He sarcastically deadpanned. "Erwin. We're going to trust your judgment for now. Don't fail us." He added seriously.
Erwin then called your name. "The formation is completely incapacitated. Go to the frontlines and protect the rest. If you'd be able to outlive that until we're close to the walls and safety is guaranteed, come back to me." You stayed silent but readied regardless. "I dropped a command. Answer."
"To protect, I could. To outlive is uncertain." You shot your gear towards another tree and positioned to fly, but Erwin added. "I don't accept derelictions in my command and I'm not in the mood to bring your incapacitated body back the walls yet."
That made you smile wryly. It's not like he can do anything about it. If he wanted to tell you to take care then he should've just told you straight. As you fled, you shot him a laugh and shouted. "Nice to know my commander isn't willing to offer my life to humanity yet!"
When you came back and ensured every people alive had gathered, you realized the whole Special Ops was wiped out. Furthermore, all of you were around a hundred and half when the expedition started but now you're going back in more or less than fiftly. At least it isn't twenty, you tried to bargain to yourself even if you knew it won't suffice.
As soon as you entered, the usual scowls were loudly established. Fortunately, you were quite desensitized with it already, or so you thought. "Commander Erwin! We'd like you to answer a few questions!" A citizen shouted from behind. "Have you managed to accomplish some grandiose goal to make up for the great number of victims Scout Regiment suffered?" The tone was mocking. When you turned towards the familiar person speaking, you realized he was one of the families left behind by the soldier who died an expedition before this one. "Tell me, commander! Do you have any regrets about sacrificing all of them! When are you gonna admit this is all for naught!" You figured it was a very valid question had the tone wasn't like that. Clouded by the catastrophe all of you just went through, you grit your teeth and glared at him, about to retaliate on scowl he just gave.
"Don't." Erwin stopped you. "You out of all people should understand where he's coming from."
That made you grip the rope you're clinging to. You admit having silly what ifs – that perhaps things would have gone smoother without losing too much had Erwin's methods been different, or at the very least, it was disclosed to a lot more soldiers. You can't just remove that from you. However, you are past the stage of blaming him now. As bad of a butcher he could be, no one in this land as far as you're concerned would be able to account for the lives of multiple people just so humankind could retaliate against those who want everyone dead.
"I don't think I do now." You muttered weakly with eyes sullen on the ground.
"Well, you should. You'd have nothing to live for in this regiment if you'd go soft on me. You clearly established your disdain would make you move forward until we figure out the things we need to. Embody that and don't fail me." He sternly replied. "I am not guilty of this. Keep that in mind."
Erwin might have forgotten you're not that stupid and you can see right through him, so that remark made you avert your gaze sidewards and furrow your brows in worry. You don't think your disdain is pretty much relevant in your mission now. Heck, you're not even sure if you still have that. But this matter would take a lot of time to talk about and there's no bearing in clarifying that.
"Funny of you to assume I'd go soft on you." You let out a small laugh to establish your lie as something genuine.
"Right," He smiled slightly, "That's my soldier."
Your eyes were filled with guilt.
The lantern parade went in peace without you causing a scene. After a week passed, however, you were able to confirm Erwin was avoiding you. A very untimely moment considering how appalled you were at your commander exceeding your expectations on how cold he could be. It made you slowly but surely understand why this same man was crippled with culpability.
However, the only way to get yourself distracted and grounded by the troubling feeling is by getting near him at every chance you could get. Besides that, even though you never aimed to be pushy, holding onto Levi's words was the primary. That's why you went to his house for some advice and explained the last conversation you had before Erwin started avoiding you.
"His empty persuasive words bounced back to him. No wonder he'd be that sullen." He remarked as he relaxed on his seat just in front of you, with the dining table separating you both.
"I don't think I shattered his pride." You worriedly replied in defense. "Maybe he's just reminded that some things are easier said than done."
Levi went close to you and with his usual habit of elbows on the table and head on his palm, he spoke. "So what do you think about the situation?"
"I actually won't bother myself on that too much but your words stuck to me hard." You furrowed your brows and looked him in the eye, "What should I do, Levi?"
Despite the very serious inquiry, Levi remained silent, blinked a few times, and stared at you without apparent expression. "Why?" You inquired.
He withdrew from the distance to stand up and ruffled your hair, "Nothing. Just thought the last time you begged for my guidance was when you were a tiny girl. What do you want to eat?"
"I told you to stop the head pats." You ignored the question sounding like he's rewarding you like a dog successfully doing a trick.
"I missed the part where that's my problem." His ruffling became faster, making a real mess out of your hair.
"Levi!" You whined. "Seriously, stop messing around."
"You ignored me for years. Cope."
"If you were that bothered then why didn't you just come to me straight and ask?"
"You know I'm not the one to get on people's nerves." Levi walked to the kitchen for some glasses and grabbed random stuff from the refrigerator. "And I thought your avoidance was caused by your infatuation towards me." He gave you a slice of cake. "Now eat."
"How did you know that!" You shrieked.
Levi flatly filled your glass with fresh milk. "Just a hunch. Now you confirmed it."
You put your head down on the table and pulled on your hair hard in embarrassment. "I'm sure Isabel told you!" You exclaimed. "Forget Erwin. I'm going home."
"Don't bother, I'll give you the time to sulk." He deadpanned. "Also, if you still hold affection towards me then that explains why you're extremely ashamed. It's okay, though. I understand."
"No, I don't!" You raised your head up with a glare. "Stop getting cocky over it." You angrily chomped down on the cake. "Now, instead of throwing me into the hall of shame, just answer my question."
"I need to know your perspective towards him first. What do you want to do with him?"
"I want to help him carry whatever burden he has." Levi let out a smirk with that so you added, "I know, he most likely won't allow it. My reason for that is quite shallow as well but you know I always take your words seriously. Not making him disappear is my top priority." You looked down. "And I need him so I can deal with this properly. He can't just go away."
He seemed quickly satisfied with that so he grabbed his car keys from the shelf, "Go with me, then. I have to go to Erwin's house tonight."
"Huh?" You widened your eyes. "Why would I go to his house?"
"If you want him to stay then you have to take extra measures. His shutting-off tendencies could get hard to deal with. You need to prevent it before he gets to be dead set on that. Talk it out to him or whatever." He walked towards you to get his coat hanging on the chair beside you. "Understand?"
I don't, you huffed on your seat. "It's not like you'd let me say no. I'll try to figure it out."
"Good girl." He patted your shoulder then squeezed on it. "Finish that cake then go to the car."
You sighed and lamented, "Levi, stop treating me like a little kid."
"Deal with it."
Erwin was taken aback when he opened the door but you tried to remain your composure regardless. It's not like he could do anything, not when it's Levi who brought you here. "Luckily I have extra stock of food. You may enter." He ushered both of you inside.
"You don't need to bother with that," You gulped the nervousness down. "I ate before coming here."
The only acknowledgment he gave you was that. After a while, they told you to settle and entertain yourself anywhere in the unit. You ended up staying on the balcony with a sour expression. What Erwin could make you do keeps on surprising you. You never thought you had the gall to do something like this, definitely not when you usually don't have the energy to socialize let alone chase the company of other people. As you let the wind drape on your face, you noticed how restless and nervous you are. That's why when you saw his pack of cigarettes and a lighter on the table you stared down at it.
You never smoked all your life despite it being overly stressful at times. Going through other people's things is also against your values. But you're quite stressed and your restlessness could sometimes get out of hand. You also got really curious on how that would taste like; if it could indeed calm you down somehow or if it could perhaps be a prospect habit from now on. That's why you tried to open it and when you noticed how full it was, you thought; I don't think he'd notice if I get one. You put a stick in your mouth and lit it up.
The next thing you knew you were a coughing mess. You tried again because it tasted menthol, but your lungs didn't forgive you. And while you understand that, you got flushed in panic upon hearing the sliding door creak.
Oh god, he won't forgive me for this.
"What are you doing?" He squinted his eyes at you.
"I'm–" You hoarsely replied then coughed terribly again. "I'm sorry!"
The smell immediately answered his question. He shook his head and sat beside you, clapping on your upper back gently and rhythmically to ease your coughing. When it subsided, your head remained glued to the ground, urging it to swallow you.
"Fine now?" He asked.
"I'm really sorry." You muttered and hardly gripped your pants. "God, sorry." This time it's barely audible.
"How have you even been the past few days? Are you okay?"
"Fine as usual." No, I'm not.
"That's good to know. The nightmares seem to not affect you that much now."
Well, apparently you started ignoring me so I feel like getting back to square one. "Yeah, I suppose." This feels awfully awkward for you.
"So what brought you here?"
Even though you told Levi you'd figure it out somehow, you completely had no idea how. You tried to come up with whatever, "Nightmare's a bit bad actually. I figured I could ground myself somewhere which ended up in your balcony."
"How could you ground yourself on a place this high?"
You sadly replied, "That's an awful dad joke."
"Sorry." He flatly replied. "So what's up with the nightmares?"
"Some usual terrible events." You gulped down and decided to just drop what you really feel, "But I realized I could come to someone who completely knew about it. I was relieved instead."
"What happened might be something brought to you by your commander, you're still relieved with my presence regardless?"
"Yeah." You got firmer on it, looked at him, and smiled, "I'm being reminded that you don't have the right to order me around in this world after all."
Erwin laughed, "And when I thought it was my presence alone."
"Still, it is. So please don't go far away from here."
Erwin was surprised at the remark and he wasn't able to reply immediately. "I didn't know you can be a clingy one."
"I'm not!" But then you realized if you were able to establish and admit that, maybe you could hold him down from disappearing somehow. "I mean, you might be right. You're the only one I have on this after all."
"Don't let that get to my head. I might forget why I went here."
"To be honest, seeing you like that makes me think I should do nothing in this life but embody a reason so I would remain tied to that world as well."
"That's very unnecessary. We don't share the same burden."
"I know," You bit your lip and continued looking down. "But if you ought to carry those sins throughout your life, I would like to have some of it as well."
"Unreasonable."
"I don't think it is." You also tried to convince yourself, "Unlike me, you seem to have a clear reason why you have a recollection of everything. Having nothing of that leaves me haunted with no direction. I need to move on in that world as well and I think going with you would help that." You don't know where these words are coming from but still, you decided to be dead honest. "That way you won't have any reason to leave me on my own with this." You weakly added.
You felt his eyes piercing through you but you still remained glued to the floor. He took time to respond again, "You don't have to carry my sins in that world just so I won't leave you alone." He remarked. "I can do this as long as you want me to."
That made your eyes wide. Your flushed face isn't due to embarrassment anymore. "Is this because you're indebted to me?"
"Yes."
That got you rueful again. "I see." It's easy to say that you'd take whatever he could give, but it's a terrible thing to make use of his guilt when what you wanted to do was alleviate it. How are you supposed to respond? How could you relay that you don't want it forced? And just who are you to pile up so many wishes?
"But don't get me wrong, I wasn't forced by my debt to do that." He clarified as if he read your mind. "Coming here was one of the happiest decisions I have made in this life. Even if I don't think I deserve that much."
"What you deserve is debatable, but I'm happy to hear that regardless." This time, you reciprocated his stare on you. "I also lied about just going somewhere randomly. I intentionally went here because I noticed you're avoiding me."
"I'm not." He replied and that made you doubt as well. The thought that you might be overlooking things flustered you. You would seem really desperate if that's the case.
"So… what was that?" His eyes averted towards the nightscape again but didn't answer. So you prompted, "You used to greet me and initiate small talks whenever we cross paths, or nod at least. Tried to ask you about something course-related one time but you turned your back on me. I considered the possibility that you're just having a bad day but you interact with other people just fine. I apologize if I apparently got the wrong idea."
"Hm," He pondered. "I never thought you'd be bothered by that."
"So you really are avoiding me?" You asked and wasn't able to hide your disappointment. He heaved no response again. "I hope you could just tell me why and I'd completely respect that. I'm just not good at shrugging this kind of thing off." With that, you finally realized why. If you won't be able to address your mom awfully ignoring you for decades, you really don't have enough patience for other people doing the same without telling you why. Even if you're not the one to talk because of what you did to Levi, if this was another person you'd opt to never talk to them again out of irritation.
"I don't want to mutter silly excuses. I hope I could just make up for that."
"A reason is enough."
"Apparently, I also can't figure out why."
You shot him a glare while his eyes remained glued on the scenery. If he says it like that then there's no use in pressing. Thinking of ways to get back somehow, you just stood up to go back inside, but ruffled his hair messily first. He was immensely taken aback and quickly turned to you, "What was that for?"
"An attempt to annoy." You flatly remarked. "Now I'm finally grounded from that dream. My commander would make me see hell if I did that." You turned your back to him and opened the sliding door. "Glad to know you won't."
Erwin was too stunned to speak and stared blankly on the scenery again; he finally understood why head pats irk you. It's not like he's vexed as well, but he's amused at you trying to establish an equal ground with him. While he understands he'll never get used to that no matter what world he gets to live in and he would have an urge to tease you about it, he's surprisingly entertained at you trying.
With that, he's able to confirm one of his hunches as well; This world might be set up to grant everyone's wishes. Despite it sounding good, he holds that possibility with sheer distaste. Not only does he think living in comfort isn't something he wished for, but deep inside him he eagerly hoped this world stands on a higher footing than that terrible predicament.
When he still felt your presence from behind, he looked back again. "What now?" You're already inside but the sliding door's still barely open and you're clinging on the curtains, making your head the only thing he could see.
"Nothing. I was actually waiting for you to be annoyed and make me see hell."
Erwin tried to conceal his snicker so he could cater to what you want, "Yeah, you were successful on doing that. Now go back."
"Really? Then would you let me see hell now, commander?"
Erwin ended up failing to conceal his amusement. At the same time, he didn't know he could get too pleased at you using that nickname to him. "Strange how you could drop all the needed honorifics but use that one to banter."
"I feel quite smug when using it. I hope you'd get used to me being disrespectful from now on."
"If that's what would comfort you from the fact that you're shamelessly under my command for a lifetime, then suit yourself."
"Hah," You huffed. "Then I dare you repeat that this time around."
That was the final push to act on his amusement. He scooted from his position so he could fully face you, now with a smug smirk. "Are you sure about that? Old habits die hard, young lady."
That trivial action alone made you surprised and the urging teasing challenge immediately died down. That's actually kind of him to ask that, you thought. But you despised how he quickly noticed that hesitation because his smirk became an actual mocking smile. "Pray tell, how do you want me to dominate you in this lifetime?"
"Don't even dare!" You exclaimed in complete fluster.
His eyebrows perked up, "You're taking the challenge back? Is my pretty little soldier a scaredy girl now?"
"Oh god," You whispered under your breath. You're not sure if this was a feeling you picked up from your nightmare counterpart, but you feel extremely hot right now and his pet name didn't help. However, admitting defeat was never on your list. "I never thought you'd get into it immediately. Is this one of the things you said you wanted to do in this world? How vile." You faked a scorn.
"Believe me, that's only the baseline. The least vile at that." You gulped down, extremely challenged on how to respond this time around because his insanely provocative voice is making your mind mushy.
"Now I'm curious to know more. Would my secretive commander allow me to see that?"
His eyebrows perked up and his smicker widened. "If you're that interested then I would be more than pleased to show you. But are you sure you could take that? Given how flushed your face is right now it seems like I have to prepare you for that." Take what! You shouted inside your head. I don't even know what you're trying to say now!
All your thoughts went loose when an arm abruptly wrapped around your shoulder. You shrieked at the action. "So both of you are goods now, huh?" Levi flatly remarked.
Erwin stayed silent, his provocative stare replaced with deadpan at Levi interrupting his humor. Although you're silently but immensely thankful for that. Levi turned his head to you and moved his hand near your face a bit to feel it slightly. "Now why are you hot?"
You shot him a bad glare, "Please shut up."
"You look like the time when Isabel blurted out your elementary crush on the dining table." I can't believe this man. "Am I ruining an intimate moment?"
"Stop!" You tried to remove his arm on your neck but he grip on it harder, now turning to Erwin. "Am I, Erwin?" He sounds completely amused.
"You are." Erwin replied.
"No, you're not!" You tried to resist again but to no avail. "Levi, you're making it hard for me to breathe."
He ignored you. "As much as I feel bad, I have to bring this little thing back now. Do you mind?" He asked the man.
Erwin shook his head and released a wry smile, "Suit yourself." He stood up walked back as well, but he randomly tapped your cheek as he did. "Wish for something you can take next time, missy." He then walked back the living room.
You squealed weakly but frustratingly under Levi's hold in extreme embarrassment. "I swear to god, this is the most shameful thing I experienced in my life."
"Now I feel bad for ruining that." He mocked flatly, still not moving.
"Please let me go now or I'll cry."
"Having Erwin here really broke your impression of being composed in my face." He withdrew his arm on your shoulder now. "What a sight to see."
Yeah, what a sight to see. You thought to yourself. Maybe you should ponder if getting near Erwin at every chance you could get was really a good idea, or if it would just exude pathetic stuttering thoughts you don't wish to show to anyone.