Dusk in the Brightest

by drearie

It's always the nightmares, really. Entrapped with walls, human-eating giants, fighting through metal strings and swords—utterly violent and recurrent. But behind the blurry faces is a man with menacing eyes and vivid features; eventually appearing before you as your new reputable professor, Erwin Smith. Since then, the disaster slipped beyond your subconscious. [fem!Reader-Insert]

19. Holding Back

"Hange said the next place is on the east corner of Wall Rose. We'll stay there for three days then transfer to the next one for five days."

"Well then, have you brought the clothes I've asked of you?" Erwin inquired as both of you walked past the Military Police office. You nodded and gave him the item requested. After changing into casual clothes and covering yourself with the cloak, you started walking.

"This market is being lively as usual – oh," You stopped abruptly after a running little girl bumped into you. You quickly crouched down to check her, "Are you okay?"

"I–" The girl sobbed, "I'm–"

"Oh no. I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?" You worriedly checked all over her body but the girl shook her head no.

"Mom, I can't see–" Then she started wailing, "Mom! I can't see mom!" People started looking in your direction and Erwin pulled his cloak to conceal his face slightly. Nonetheless, you looked at him for approval. He pondered in reluctance but your pleading look made him sigh and agree. "It seems like she was lost just a while ago considering how panicky she is. Maybe her guardians aren't far away yet."

"Is this a mission?" You asked and Erwin curled his eyebrows in confusion. You gestured your chin pointing at the little girl.

"Mission…" He hesitated at first, "Right. We're embarking on a mission to find this little girl's guardian."

You shot him a smile, stood up, and carried the girl up into your arms, "Hear that? This mister right here is a soldier that never fails his mission, so we're definitely gonna find her!" Erwin held down a sneer. You brushed the strands of hair glued on her sweaty forehead, "But now you need to stop crying first so your mom won't worry too much. Can you do that for me?" The little girl nodded with heavy hiccups but attempted to conceal her wailing nonetheless. "Good girl. What's your name?" You started walking again.

"Lyn," The girl mumbled. "Is this fine? Mommy said I shouldn't talk to strangers."

"Right. You're a smart girl." You replied while getting something under your sleeve. When you flashed her your military insignia, she gasped. "You're a soldier! Daddy's friends!"

"Really? Your daddy's a soldier?" You cooed. She nodded eagerly, "My daddy's a soldier boss!"

"Then that explains why you're smart! So, we're not strangers anymore, right?" She nodded. And when she finally calmed down, she nuzzled her head on your neck.

When you turned to Erwin again, you saw an almost unnoticeable look of lament on his face, "Why? Are you okay?"

"Just tired."

"Oh," You muttered. "You can wait here for a while. I'll get back to you once I find her guardians."

"No. It's risky if we separate now." He replied. When the girl turned to him in worry, he patted her head and added, "And missions are supposed to be done together."

You flashed him a smile again, "Right." It was a quiet walk and you told the girl to speak if she ever saw someone familiar.

"It seems like you're really good at children." He randomly remarked.

"Sometimes, MP's jobs get really mundane to a point where we get to babysit children of noblemen. And I took a liking to them especially if they always jump around."

"So it's not just your commander that you can tend, isn't it?" Erwin deadpanned. You held down a sneer and turned to him instead, "Right. That's why the mission of the Scouts is as important to me as everyone. This little lady right here is much more worth it than my prickly commander alone." He got quite taken aback by that. Since the confrontation happened, none of you talked about it again. Even if you always thought about the things you could've shot back had you known how to act during that moment, and even if he seems quite regretful about it that he can't bring that matter up, you eagerly brushed that off. You certainly knew how he's still right on the things he said, but the only thing you could do so you won't have to leave the Scouts is to be persistent in staying beside him. Even if the feeling of shame can get extremely tormenting.

After a while, the child finally gasped. "Mommy! She screamed, and a pregnant woman frantically turned towards you. The sight made Erwin stop in his tracks wide-eyed, and the woman seemingly did the same for a while. You gently ushered the child out of your grasp so she could run towards her, and after she finally reached her, the woman walked to you in gratitude.

Nothing came to your mind but how stunning she looks.

"Thank you so much. I was on the verge of crying had my little girl didn't scream." She beamed. "Also," She looked at Erwin with a gleam. "Long time no see, Erwin."

He returned the gesture by giving her a gentle poignant smile. "You look as good as ever, Marie."

Despite it being a trivial matter, your heart clenched in a memory. The last time you saw Erwin smile like that was when he brought you to the house your brother left of you. You thought how lucky someone could be to evoke such a smile from him with just a simple coincidence.

When the little girl nudged your cloak, you crouched down to her level again to entertain her; trying to distract yourself from whatever they were talking about. After what seemed to be a long while, Erwin gestured to introduce you to Marie. "This is my subordinate and personal aide," He called your name, then he turned to you. "This is Marie, Commander Nile's wife. She's the former bartender I was telling you about when we went out for a drink."

Oh, she's that one.

Regardless, you stood up and nodded. "My commander seems to hold that bar with great fondness. Even if we have a lot nearer the Scout barracks, he still insists to go there. Now I kind of understand why," You smiled, "You look very beautiful, Ms. Marie."

"Oh, thank you." She flashed back an endearing smile to you, "You look so gorgeous yourself. Erwin must be delighted to have such a pretty soldier beside him."

You chuckled, "I don't think–"

"Very much so." Erwin concurred. "I can't wish for more if I'd be honest. She's very capable too." Despite smiling through it, you had to stop yourself from scoffing. This wasn't some diplomatic talk that entails dumbly agreeing to whatever the other party says.

However, the little girl chipped in loudly. "Aren't you husband and wife?" Despite your composure getting challenged again, you ended up heaving a small sigh and flashed the girl a sad smile. "No, we're not. We go on a lot of missions like this instead."

"But mister looks at you like how daddy looks at–" Marie cut her off by ruffling her hair. "Sorry, I kind of spoiled this girl with fairy love stories. She seems obsessed with it."

"Right, and she's sharp-eyed as well." Erwin concurred and you glanced at him with slight disbelief, "As expected, you really became an admirable mother."

"Nile takes good care of us. I can't thank him enough." Marie remarked. "We need to go back now, though. I got quite stressed about my child missing for a while and I think I need a rest."

"We could assist you home," You offered but Marie shook her head. Instead, she walked toward you for a hug.

"Thank you so much for bringing my girl back. Erwin said you insisted to do it." She sighed then added, "Erwin is a very great man. He seemed to be very unreachable before but I think he softened for a while now." She released you from the hug, "I'm rooting for you, pretty soldier."

"Huh?" You tried to ask what was that about but Marie started walking and waving past the two of you, "Please stay safe. I hope to see both of you again once I gave birth." You stayed frozen for a while and just blinked a few times. When they're finally out of your sight, Erwin turned to you. "Come on,"

"Ah, right." You started walking again, covering your head further with a cloak to hide the flush on your face. After a while, you mindlessly remarked. "She's such a gorgeous woman."

"She is. Many soldiers were head over heels with her way back."

"She smells good." You blurted out.

Erwin let out a small chuckle, "Right. You look pretty stunned on that."

"Nile's such a lucky man and she got a pretty much-established life herself, just like how woman my age does." You pondered. "She looks way older though, but completely more beautiful regardless."

"Have you thought of being like them? You're pretty good at children. I bet you'd be an excellent mother as well."

You looked at him. He's still walking without facing you with features quite unreadable. "Of course not. If I do then I certainly won't be here."

"Hm," Erwin acknowledged and stayed silent for a while, "But you'd look beautiful living like that, even much more than Marie. Even with no child."

Here he is again with his empty praises, "Why? Am I not beautiful already that I need to live like Marie just to establish it?" You huffed. "She said I'm pretty already."

"And she's right," He pondered. "You already surpassed them right now but you'd glow more than anyone here if you did."

"I wonder what's your rubrics with that," You deadpanned.

"My eyes."

"Right. Such a high standard then."

"Indeed. I never fail with my observations."

"You can stop now. It'll go to my head."

"I sure hope it would."

You glared at him, flustered. "You're quite generous with your words today, Commander."

"Am I?" He looked at you, "If my words became more generous, would you follow through with it?"

You figured it out and sighed, "Stop asking me to quit again. It's futile."

Erwin slightly smiled as if he was busted, then clicked his tongue, "I'm not. I just thought this was needed to be said."

"Okay," You raised your hand as if counting with fingers. "One, I'm beautiful. Second, I apparently have the potential to become the prettiest if I got stuck with silly dresses and no titans. Third, Commander Erwin Smith concurring with that regards the two statements as authentic and absolute. Are there more?"

Erwin really pondered for things to add and the sight almost made you sneer. However, he answered. "There's more."

"Ah," You deadpanned, "Very curious then."

"Someone who'd live beside you like that," He flatly remarked. "Will be a very lucky person. Whoever they are."

Your urge to banter further died down just like that. Your composure almost became limp in lament and you ended up turning your gaze sidewards opposite to him, "Not sure with that. All the people I hold with affection are reckless bastards with a disturbing attraction to death. If one would prefer living beside me with fake security then they're certainly not the people I love." Before he could respond to that, however, you quickly remarked, "We're almost there." And walked past him in quite a rush.

The hideout was apparently an old apartment with five small units. Upon opening the door through the key Hange gave you, you made Erwin enter and warily looked sidewards.

"Have we managed to lure them?"

"Yeah," You answered. "I made sure I was heard by the military police near us. It was a hunch at first but it turned out real." You fixed on the gun resting on your left waist then held on to the two knives you brought with you. "I thought they'd go attack us while we're holding the kid but they seemed to realize it was Nile's child." You turned at Erwin, "That said, these ones might not be from the Interior. They won't care much to spare Nile's family."

"Right, maybe someone who has a grudge and heard about the news."

"They're walking towards here now," You prompted as you glanced to your right. Two men were spotted.

Even before they let their guns out at the last second, you fled toward them and slashed at their hands, dropping their weapons quickly. After their stances faltered, you maneuvered above to quickly manhandle them down until they're heaped on the floor below you. With that, Erwin casually picked the guns up to examine and keep them with him.

Draping the knives on their necks you spoke, "Tell me who brought you and we'd consider sparing your lives on this." When they only heaved groans of pain instead of talking, you made it bleed slightly. "I have a clue on who this was because I am familiar with your faces. I just need you to confirm it for me. You know I'm not here to kill you."

"Y-you're a hypocrite," The man in your right gruffed. "You're one of the MP traitors who had loosed some screws in the head to join a regiment who just wastes taxes."

"Do I still have that branding? So many years have passed already and I even left properly. Why am I a traitor?"

"You rat out Murdo–"

"We don't have the time for this. It's risky to have normal citizens witness such a mess." Erwin grimly remarked. "If they won't respond here then bring them inside the room. Maybe they'd prefer to talk seated."

"Hear that?" You lamented. "If you really prefer to be seated then have it your way. I just hope you don't mind being tied with guns on your head."

"We can't–" The other man remarked as he started crying. "We have to kill you to finish our job. You must understand it out of all people here–"

"You know these people. They'll make you dead either way because you managed to know their dirty work and even helped them with it. We can at least guarantee your safety here."

"Huh? Scout Regiment guaranteeing our safety?" The man scoffed despite the cries. "What're you gonna do, huh? You're all bound to fail now. Stop the bullshit of–" You hit his nape quite hard and got quite taken aback when he ended up unconscious.

The other one cried further but mumbled something. You scooted down to hear it, "P-please, just knock me unconscious as well." He whispered.

"Why would you desire that? And why are you whispering?"

"Because he's watching!" He sobbed, "Please, I don't want to be killed. Just knock me unconscious and let me out of here safe." You gulped down. That man had the audacity to watch. You quickly gave in to his request.

When they're not moving, you stood up and called Erwin, "They're too loyal to spill anything that even a knife on their necks can't get through them. I'll pile both of them inside and tie them up." You shot him a hard look.

"Fine, I'll guard here."

You slowly and warily pulled the two bodies inside, but when the person in question finally opened the room beside you with a gun pointing towards Erwin, you quickly went to kick him. You weren't able to release the gun out of his grasp at first but when you finally confirmed who this man was, your vision darkened and you immediately threw him upside down. After cornering him by sitting on top, you gripped the knife on his neck so hard that it quickly bled.

Regardless, he snickered, "Still in your prime, huh?" He lowly remarked. "I thought that'd rust on you after slashing titans all these years. As expected, a small cupcake turned into my sweet soldier."

You were trembling really hard. "What–" You released a low ragged breath, "What are you doing here,"

"I told you. I'll keep on watching you and the horrible place that brainwashed you." In every word he lets out, your grip on the knife tightens. However, it seems like empty threats of death aren't working on him anymore. He seems unfazed, just with his horrifying smile that haunted you in your childhood. "I thought my fortune was enough to keep your worthless regiment silent. But as soon as your silly commander sat on his throne he did all means necessary to make my life miserable. Why?" He turned to Erwin, "Why did you do that? I managed to sponsor at least two expeditions before you sat but you still ratted me out and deprived me of the fortune I worked so hard for. Don't you have any decency left in you?" He scornfully remarked while you remained in sheer shock above him. Erwin didn't tell me this, you thought. "Or are you perhaps insecure? Have you taken a liking to this girl as well? Are you jealous I was able to touch–"

You cut him off with a hard slap. "You know better than having such a horrible mouth when a person who wanted to kill you for years is trapping you on the ground." You shot with derision.

"If I'm gonna die with a gorgeous girl like you above me then I'll have a triumphant death." He sneered. "Still, you might've forgotten I'm a soldier even before you–" He cut himself off with a hard groan. When you looked up, Erwin was just beside, stepping flatly but hardly on Murdoch's hand that attempted to regain his hold on the gun.

"Too bad this lady above you isn't your sweet soldier to begin with, good sir. You know better than anyone that I am in a place needless of such insecurity." He was menacing, utterly, that it was scaring you as well. Behind the very calm tone was his foot crushing the man's hand tightly. You can even hear the cracks of it along with his screams, "Still, despite the desperation, you did a commendable job. You stayed in contact with a lot of landlords near the area and as soon as someone snitched that Survey Corps members booked a room here, you immediately pulled your strings. Am I not successful in depriving you of your fortune? Or are you perhaps doing great in your new business underground?" Erwin crouched down and picked up the gun Murdoch was supposed to reach. The man screeched in sheer pain, "And apparently, you made everyone in this complex vacate their rooms so this moment would commence. Maybe you thought we'd be easy to defeat since I only have one arm left and you still regard my soldier as a frail girl you've ruined." Erwin pointed the gun to his head, "I thought you'd be smart enough for that. Have the stress brought by the court rulings shrunk your brain to sheds?"

"Erwin," You called in a panic. Despite the usual tone, you just know he's not acting like himself anymore. "Are you going to kill him?"

"Hm?" He turned to you, his eyes glinting, and the sight of his peril figure almost made you shiver. "Should I? Tell me." It was completely a rhetorical one. He won't let this man out alive. It was absolute that Murdoch will be facing his verdict here. When you only looked at him in shock, he turned to the man again. "Please don't take this personally. I just ought to serve my soldier as excellent as she serves me." Then pressed the gun further flatly.

Despite the crippling panic, Murdoch managed to let out a laugh, "You have to calm down here, Commander Erwin. The Survey Corps' reputation is as bad as it is. You're way smarter than killing me."

"Well, you lost your way out the time she cried." He quickly interjected and you widened your eyes. You were too enraged to notice that. "And you keep on underestimating me here. See, 'A retired military general who turns out to be a sexual offender found dead in an abandoned complex. Investigations say he killed himself.' Sounds perfect, isn't it? Not a triumphant way to die, but still, you'd be spared from witnessing the shame."

When he finally realized the predicament Erwin was about to put on him, he let out a desperate cry. He wailed and screamed like a child that you can't even grasp what to think of it. "I'm sorry, okay! I just thought of getting back at you! You win! You cornered me here now! Just let me go and I'll be sure to stay quiet on this, okay?"

Erwin finally removed his foot in Murdoch's hand which is apparently unmovable anymore. He pondered on it for a while, "It might be strange if a man who killed himself had a mark of stepped foot in his hand. Maybe I could ask your underlings to have a narrative fitted on this. What do you think would work best, Mr. Evans?"

"Erwin," You muttered again, attempting to calm him down. However, Murdoch cried harder, "You must be insane! You don't have humanity left in you, is that what you wanted to say? You're a monster, Erwin Smith! Even worse than the titans!"

"You might be right. I also thought the same." Erwin concurred, "But I realized that seeing this woman cry because of humans who did her bad would be the one to remove that completely. I suppose I still have a tiny bit of humanity left if this was the case."

"So," Murdoch stopped his heavy cries and struggled to speak with his hiccups. "Am I supposed to die here?" He looked at you, "Are you gonna kill me now?" You would. Erwin gave you the chance to do so, and out of all the things he did for you this was the most beautiful one. However, as silly as it sounds, you have never killed a human before. You almost did out of circumstances but they never died. There, you realized that titans were easier to kill for you. They are awfully deprived of rational thinking. They don't show apparent emotions, coherence, and all other things that differentiate them from humans. Downright monsters are easier to kill.

Downright monsters are easier to kill.

The lack of answer finally pushed Murdoch to his limits. "I can't die like this." He remarked. "I can't–" He struggled to get out of your grasp and your shambled thoughts made him successful. "Die like this!" In a spur of a moment, you were grabbed by him in an attempt to corner you down, and that action throbbed a familiar memory in your head. It ringed very painfully, removing every rationality left in you.

You ended up snatching the gun on your waist and pinned Murdoch against the wall, he cried again. "Stop," You flatly ordered.

"Then release me! I took you in so you won't end up dying out of hunger. All the food I gave to you, all the attention that was deprived of you by your guardians, and you're paying me back with this?" He exclaimed, "Will you end up like your criminal parents? Are you just a cold-blooded murderer as well–"

You hardly muffled his mouth with your hands, no other thoughts than the need to remind him, "I suppose I am. But see, Murdoch, corpses aren't supposed to talk." Along with his last scream, you pulled the trigger without hesitation.

You weren't sure how much time had passed but when you went back to consciousness, you realized you were sitting blankly, Levi was standing beside you, Erwin was talking to the two assailants who now regained consciousness, and some people from the Fourth Squad were cleaning up.

"What happened?" You panicky held on to Levi's pants.

"Huh?" Levi scoffed, "I've been asking you that since earlier but you're just staring into nothingness. You didn't even react when I flicked your forehead."

"You did?" Levi then crouched down to your level, grabbed your hand, and let it hit your head. You flinched in pain feeling it.

"The fuck, Levi." You scoffed. "Why would you exert this much force for a flick?"

"Didn't know it was strong enough to bruise." Levi shrugged, "So tell me, what the fuck happened here?"

"Why are you here in the first place?"

"Erwin summoned me beforehand because he said someone was coming after both of you and he needs a backup," He scowled, "I thought I was here to assault a poor bastard, never thought he'd make me clean a crime scene instead. Do you think I get paid enough for this?"

You released a ragged breath upon realization, "So what are we supposed to do here?"

Levi nudged his chin to point to Erwin, "This fucker's doing a motivational speech on how right it is to testify suicide on a blatant murder." After fully remembering what just happened, you felt sick in the stomach and cold sweat ran through your body. You tried to heave slow breaths but to no avail. You felt a huge lump in your throat that was terribly urging you to throw up.

Levi noticed it and called your name with a frown. "Seriously, what now?"

"Shot this thing. Smelt bad. I don't feel good."

"Why? You haven't killed someone before?"

You're too drained to answer. You felt like if you spoke further you'd throw up right on him. Fortunately, the lack of response answered Levi's question because he stood up and walked away. However, he quickly came back and draped you in a cloak. You looked at him in surprise.

"It's yours this time." He sat down and tied it.

"Why?"

"I know how it feels like," He flatly replied. "You might puke your brains out later on. Or cry. Or knock yourself unconscious. Or take a bath five times straight. I honestly don't know and I don't care," When he was finished, he stood up again. "But you better let that out. You'll be carrying that feeling for the rest of your life. Get used to it."

"I'm not a child who witnessed death for the first time."

"No shit," He deadpanned. "You don't need to be a kid for that. Even I have to remind myself sometimes." He started walking away. "But you need to let that out. You gotta kill more later on for your man." But he didn't make me kill this one for himself, you furrowed your brows in sorrow.

The transfer to the next hideout was smooth but you entertained no talk from anyone because you really were about to let your organs out. When everyone realized both of you are nicely settled in the new place, they called it a night. Examining through it, it was apparently as huge as a bedroom. With a small comfort room, some windows, one master bed, and a closet. However, you were too drawn to mind how both of you are supposed to sleep on that.

"Erwin," You tiredly called. "I'll take a bath. My stomach's acting up. Maybe because of what I ate last breakfast." He was about to inquire about something but you banged the door shut.

You tried to muffle the sounds coming out from you nonetheless. You also tried to stop, but then you remembered how Murdoch felt as he grabbed you, or how he felt when you trapped him below, his maniacal laugh and his pathetic cries, and most of all, how his blood splattered on your face – the feeling of drying out the life of something besides a titan, the smell of it caused by no one but you, the sight of it pooling down after you pulled the trigger, all of it. It's not about how disgusting that sight is, but the fact that you're the one who did it. You can't make the joy of his death the primary even if you badly wanted to. You felt your vision blurring and your grip on the toilet was the last attempt to hold your consciousness up.

All of it flashed before you like a dream again – from the time your brother was born until the events that happened just earlier. But this time, instead of the heart-wrenching feeling and the ragged breaths, you felt someone touching you gently. It was soothing, enough to keep you in solace. It almost felt like you are finally getting something terribly deprived of you by your circumstances.

At the time you opened your eyes, Erwin was flashed before you. He was seated on the bed, wiping your face with a wet cloth. Your body was lying nicely with your feet elevated by a bunch of pillows. It was deeply comforting at first and you almost desired nothing but for him to keep doing that until you drift towards sleep again. He's not saying anything as well, just doing his thing even after noticing you woke up.

However, when you were able to bring half of your rationality back, you gasped in horror. "What happened?"

"You said you're taking a bath but it took you so long so I checked on you, already unconscious on the floor. I was relieved you're still in your clothes at first but then I quickly realized you just lied to me." He flatly replied. "You should've just told me you didn't feel well. I can't grasp why you would lie about that."

"I ate something bad. It made me throw up." You replied. Erwin didn't respond anymore. When you finally garnered your whole consciousness, you became uncomfortable with what he was doing. "I'm sorry. I never thought it would make me feel this bad but I'm fine now."

"It's me who needs to apologize," Erwin replied, damped the cloth on the basin, squeezed it out, then wiped it on you again, "I shouldn't have let you kill that man."

"It doesn't bother me." You quickly shot back in defense. "I don't understand why you would apologize for giving me a chance to do something I've always wanted to do."

"It doesn't mean the killing itself should be taken lightly." Erwin replied, "Don't try to downplay what you felt with that. It doesn't make you weak."

"It's because I'm not affected by that." You quickly interjected but Erwin just hummed on it. Your mood became sour, "Stop that." You tried to get up but realized your body felt really heavy, and that made you really frustrated. You've been witnessing death for a long time now. Your body can't be this weak with just a trivial setback. Still, you tried again, but this time Erwin held you down. "What are you even doing?" You glared at him.

"This would be done soon if you'd lie down."

"You're overreacting," You tried to resist again, abruptly swatting his hand away.

"So you're gonna be stubborn on this again?"

"I'm not!" You shot back, "I told you. That didn't faze me. Seeing his dead body made me really happy. This is just about me eating something bad–"

"Quiet."

"Erwin!" You finally exclaimed as you lost your patience. "Stop treating me like a little girl."

"If you're not a little girl then stop doing tantrums and lie down quietly." With that, you finally gathered all your strength to get up. However, Erwin quickly caught up to it and pinned you down. There, you realized how limp you actually became.

Both of you stayed silent with Erwin just looking at you flatly. After a while, he slid his hand to your cheeks, "You're crying again." He wiped on it, "Why?"

You bit your lip in frustration, "I'm crying because you're pinning me down."

"Really? Are you apparently a crybaby whenever your commander takes care of you?"

"Fuck you."

Erwin slightly chuckled and looked at you apologetically, "I'm sorry. That was actually a little attempt to make up for all the cruel things I've done to you somehow, even if I knew it's irreconcilable. But my plan is that I'll be the one to kill him. I messed up."

"But I was really happy when he died." Your loud sobs said otherwise, "I'm not supposed to feel terrible about this."

"Death is always terrible. You should know that by now."

"But I swore I would kill anyone who gets in our way or tries to harm you. I was prepared for that."

"Preparation includes being ready to cry after getting to the safe zone. You didn't bring that with you here?" When you didn't answer and just let your weeping take over you, Erwin let you do so. He won't be able to do anything anymore, after all.

When you kind of halted from your sobs, he cupped your face, "Can you still forgive me for this?"

"It's not your fault," You clarified. "It might feel awful but I stand by my word."

"That you'd protect me? Why would you do such a thing?"

"Of course, it's my job to–"

He cut you off by raising his eyebrows with a small smile, "Your job?"

"Why? Are there more?" You got genuinely curious at first but his stare at you quickly answered it. You looked down in embarrassment, "Yeah. Job."

"Really? Can you perhaps elaborate on that?"

You curled your eyebrows at him, "What do you want to hear from me?"

"If you want me to be straight on then have it," He scooted nearer and gently caressed the top of your head. "Submitting yourself to me and all that talk last time. Can you elaborate?"

The way his tone sounded urging sent shivers down your spine. It made your mind in shambles and you felt your legs limper, "I– uh–" You tried looking around to gather coherent thoughts somehow. When you realized it's futile, you just sighed dejectedly. "I can't articulate that yet."

"Hm," Erwin acknowledged, "If I were to help you do so, would you be able to answer?"

"How would you do that?" You inquired slowly, each syllable coated with fluster and curiosity.

However, Erwin seems like he gets easily distracted by silly details whenever the proximity gets too comfortable to handle. With curled eyebrows and a stare at your forehead, he slowly glides a finger on it. You flinched in slight pain, "What happened here?"

"Ah," You muttered, "Levi flicked my forehead."

"Why would he?" He became more confused.

"He said he was trying to wake me up because I was utterly unresponsive despite opened eyes."

Erwin pondered on it for a while, "So you're really getting closer,"

"We tend to spend time cleaning tombstones. Now he seems humored by wrapping me up with cloaks."

"He does?"

You nodded, "One time he threw it hard on–" You cut yourself off in sheer surprise when Erwin gave a chaste peck on your forehead. Just like that, all your grievances for today, the mind ruffling distance, and your attempts to articulate whatever Erwin's asking of you – they all disappeared in your head for good.

He regained the proximity and searched your face for reactions, "Oh," Erwin seemed quite surprised at the realization, "It immediately removed the crunch in your face."

"What?" You shrieked and almost threw yourself away from him but then Erwin quickly interjected, "Sorry, I realized I got the guts tonight. Would you let me take care of you first until you get your strength back? Perhaps you would be able to hit me by then."

Examining his face, aside from the mischievous demeanor you also saw his unfaltering stance. He's not going to let you out of this until he's finished. Defeatedly, you looked sideways with an annoyed expression, "I'm gonna knock you unconscious after this."

Erwin smiled, "Right. Just like what my soldier would do." You tried concealing your sneer on that.

His gentle tending made you sleepy again, so when he was finally done you spoke. "I feel fine now. I'm gonna settle on the floor. Suit yourself in the bed afterward."

"Don't even think of it." He said from the comfort room as he washed the cloth. It sounded like a serious order so you stayed still at first. After he left the comfort room, you remarked. "We don't have a spare bed. Come on now." Erwin ignored you and fixed on some of your belongings, "You'll end up the one being stubborn on this. Scout Regiment's commander lets his lowly subordinate sleep on the bed as he lies down on the floor, see how bad it sounds?"

"Well, if that lowly subordinate lets me sleep beside her then that headline won't be necessary." Again, you were left dumbfounded and the lack of response made Erwin smirk.

Aside from the continuous flustering mess he's making you tonight, however, you can't help but wonder. "You're aware we're the only ones to stay in this room for the night, right?"

Erwin hummed in concurrence, "And what about it?"

"And you're exuding a demeanor seeking intimacy. What exactly do you want to do?"

He finally fixed on what he was doing so he walked towards you and sat on the bed, "Would you humor me if I told you?"

You blinked a few times, thinking how you're not all unfamiliar with that. As you seriously took it into consideration, Erwin held his laugh at the sight. "Uh, I don't think I could? My stomach hurts and I'm almost an unmovable heap."

"So if your stomach doesn't hurt?"

"Then there's no harm in trying."

He finally let the laugh out. Right. He doesn't need to hold back for now. "Figures." He ushered you so you could lie down again, rubbed your belly which you remarked was hurting, and scooted his body on the bed. When he's settled, he brings your figure to his embrace. "This is my plain request though, letting me sleep beside you. Is that fine?"

One more move and you won't be able to breathe, "Fine. But I'm deeply flustered."

"Yeah, noticed that quite well." You have no idea how entertained he is in this situation.

"Are you perhaps trying to seek comfort during this crucial moment by having a warm body beside you?"

He snickered, "You got me."

"Is this your way of coping?"

"I suppose it has the potential of being one."

"Oh, okay." When you grasped the agenda, you hugged him back. "What do you want to do next? Are we supposed to do this all night?"

"Why? Are you able to do more than this?"

You tried to think it out again but figured your body is really too tired. "Sorry. Can't."

Erwin hummed in acknowledgment and rested his chin on top of your head. "That's it, then. More than fine actually."

"So what are we supposed to do if I was actually fine?"

"We'll end up doing it ourselves if we start talking about that," He nuzzled you further towards him to shut you up, "Now stop talking and sleep."

You knew this was something purely seeking physical comfort and nothing more. The thought of it had the potential to make your heart clench. However, Erwin's right; this is more than fine. And as ridiculous as it could be, you ended up sleeping contently in his embrace. You hoped it could give Erwin the comfort he seeks as well, but you tried not to think about it too much.

You've been seeking action from your nightmares the past few weeks in hopes that it would help you set a line with your confidant who makes you flustered for a while now. But it didn't help, not at all. Not only did your counterpart admit to her silly feelings, but the commander played along with it just well. Even though you're not on the same page because you don't understand how the other you could hold great affection towards that commander just yet, you can't help but be in shambles when talking about the Erwin with you right now. Every trivial matter about this man makes you flustered and while you're not all unfamiliar with establishing affection towards someone, your thoughts are way too incoherent for him.

Luckily, the emotional fiasco you went through that night in his unit seemed to affect him as well. When that morning came, he was nowhere to be found, only a prepared breakfast and a text message that said Levi will pick you up by late morning. He also looked like avoiding you in school again but unlike before, you totally understood and are actually thankful for it.

Even as you sit in his class right now, nothing was exchanged between the both of you. The session with him is plainly by group and warrants no participation from him unless someone throws a question. Regardless, you still tried to see him on your peripheral from time to time.

"Woah," You muttered after reading the material they've worked on so far. "Why are these very detailed?"

"We did well, right?" Eren remarked, quite thrilled and in pride. You nodded your head in concurrence. They were able to highlight some events that you didn't tell them about. Was the premise too obvious? Was it not unique at all? What if they knew something after all and are just feigning ignorance about it? However, that's very contrary given their reactions the first time you shared this thing with them so you tried brushing it off. And Erwin's right, they won't be delighted if they knew. The continuous spur of realization made you rueful.

"Armin actually wrote some of it." Ymir deadpanned.

"Almost all, actually." Historia scoffed, "Because I'm the one to write when Armin's too tired to go on. What are you three even on? You just kept on being put this or have it like that or woosh them away! What if you write it instead!" The members laughed at her anger and she kept on pressing them why.

However, you were confused, "You met for this? Why am I not aware?"

"We always end up seeing each other during tryouts. Even if we had fixed portions to do, these dumbheads are always thrilled to do it together." Ymir answered.

"So why didn't you call me about that? I could quickly drop by."

"Because I know your schedule. You always have classes. Or you're dead asleep."

"Tell me!" Eren interjected, "What happened in your dreams already?"

"Everyone's dead." You lied, trying to hide the flush on your face after remembering the last thing that happened.

"Ah fuck," His gleam faltered. "Boring."

"Then write it properly so it'd be exciting!" Historia exclaimed, "No one would understand you saying then it would go boom! Do you want us to fail? You think our professor's a joke? I hope he is!"

"Why? I'm excellent in anything but this. Cut me off some slack."

"He's right. He's only good at violence." Mikasa concurred and he glared at her. As the banter continued, you remained silent and took side glances towards him until everyone got dismissed.

As you went out of the room, Hannes called you. "Faculty office. Now."

"Why?"

"We'll discuss it there." His tone doesn't sound so bad so you followed him without a hint of nervousness. However, Erwin greeted him from behind. He also walked along until all of you reached the office.

"Here," Hannes gave you a pamphlet while Erwin settled casually on the chair behind, "You know that publishing house?"

You nodded, "Quite a prominent one."

"They're scouting beginner writers in the uni under the guise of a writing contest." Hannes continued, "All participants will be ranked from highest to lowest, the top ten being the qualified fellows for their intensive workshop. Being part of it entails a guarantee of mass-production for the participants' future projects. You get where I'm coming from?"

"Yeah, but what am I gonna do with this?" You asked.

That's when Erwin chipped in, finally taking note of your presence. "I am required to pitch in at least one student under my course after being heavily pressured by the publishing house."

"He's fucking around," Hannes clarified.

"Good sir, you're at the faculty office." He deadpanned.

Hannes ignored him, "He made an agreement with them so he could flaunt his next project with ease. You're the one he's sacrificing."

"And we're getting your approval." Erwin nodded.

You shot him a dead stare, "Considering you're here, it seems like I won't be going out until I say yes."

"I also see you're getting smarter." He flatly concurred.

"So what am I supposed to do?" You repeated the inquiry. "If ever I get to the top ten–"

"We're sure you would." He interjected again.

"Wait." You cut him off, annoyed. "So if I ever get to the top ten, I'm busy as it is. For sure the training would take a lot of time and they'd expect me to work on a project worth being produced."

"Yeah, that's why you'll spend the rest of my class working on that. If you got in, you'd take all the curriculum left in my course there."

"Come on, Erwin. Take her easy." Hannes nudged the man as he saw how shocked you looked at that. "To put it simply, he's taking you out of his class. As a participant representing the school, your rank in the contest and your training would be the basis of your grade on him. It's the publishing house's verdict from hereon." As if his explanation was enough to remove the horror in your face.

"Excuse me?"

"Sorry," Erwin interjected. "Only if you agree with it."

"But both of you talk it out as if I have no choice but to go for it."

"Because we really want you to go for it," Hannes replied.

You sat on the spare chair nearby. You can't deal with this while standing. "I don't get the basis on this. Why am I the one chosen?"

"Only you and Armin are making sense in that class." He quickly answered. Hannes nudged him again.

"That's rude. They're trying their best." You retorted.

"And they're not trying hard enough."

Hannes shook his head in disappointment, "Armin is working on another project and already has someone to manage his work. Erwin doesn't have a choice."

"So, you really have no sentiments of making me say no."

"No, we're just here to convince you." Erwin lied.

Still, Hannes attempted to do it properly, "It's a great deal, though. You get to finish the course with ease given Erwin's harsh requirements, and you have greater opportunities."

"But that's very risky. What would happen if I don't get to the top ten?"

"Uh," Erwin pondered. He didn't think much of it because he was sure you'd get in there. "Just work hard so you can get there…?"

"You didn't have any alternatives." You shot them a dead stare. Hannes worriedly looked at the young man.

"I'm kidding. Of course I'll help you. I'm getting much benefit from it, after all."

Hannes quickly nodded, "That's settled then." It is? You shrieked to yourself. "If it's Erwin to help you, I'm confident you'd get it. You're excellent as it is. Mix in a young famous writer then you're more than good."

"Don't let that get to his head," You lamented.

"Too bad. It already did." Erwin wryly remarked. "So, what do you think about it?"

"It's not like you're giving me any other choice," You sighed. "Just do your best in making that plan succeed."

"You know I never fail my plans," Erwin remarked. You turned to him and realized he's obviously referencing his achievements beyond this one. You released a wry laugh. "Yeah, sure you are."

When you finally walked out of the office, Erwin joined in. "What are you up to, for real?" You flatly remarked.

"I explained that well earlier."

"Why are you kicking me out of your class?" You pressed.

"I don't want to see you there anymore."

You huffed in disbelief, "You shooed me away from the Scouts and you'll do the same here? Such a distasteful man."

Erwin glanced at you for a while, then fixed his eyes on the path again. "If you're trying to set an equal ground with me in this world, that certainly won't happen in that room."

You went silent for a while, pondering how he was right. "So you're actually doing it for me?" But then you realized, "No way you'd do such a thing for me."

"Right." Erwin clicked a smile, "I'm doing it for myself."

"Yeah, saving yourself from one student's paperwork. How ugly."

"There are way uglier reasons but let's not get to that." He interjected, "Also, I think I'm about to finish seeing that predicament. I'm preparing you for it."

You stopped in your tracks, horrified. He continued walking at first until he noticed you halted. "Why?"

"Are you gonna leave me after that?" You blurted out in panic and Erwin widened his eyes, "You said you won't."

"I won't."

"Then what are you gonna prepare me for?" You clenched your fists. He also seemed to notice your disappointment so he walked toward you again.

"I don't mean it that way, but I'm getting fed up with the established dynamics both of us have in here. I'm not patient enough to have you below me all the time. Not in this world, at least." The crunch in your face faltered, "And you don't seem to like that as well."

You muttered despite the reluctance, "Yeah, I don't. I hold that thing with disdain."

"Right," Erwin smiled and rested his palm on top of your head, "We've held back long enough, don't you think?"