Warning: dissociation, suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, and i don't know, constant scenario shift that might be too overwhelming to read? i'm trying something new concerning the transition of the final arc and it's meant to be quite messy at first
As much as you're accustomed to terror, you actually preferred having the sun peak at its highest during the times you have to face such. That way he won't be too hard to spot, not too hard to go to. His features are greatly accentuated that way as well— from the hues of his eyes to his voice constantly laced with anger and finality. But everything's dark right now, smokey even, and you pretty much don't have an idea of what's happening anymore. After confronting the Colossal and having it release steam enough to burn up the whole five squads including yours, your consciousness got hazy and everything went beyond comprehensible. You knew well that not even Erwin's intricacies of strategy would make this doomsday a little bit better, and you've pretty much registered that you're ready to see him die as much as you're prepared to face death yourself.
After a moment of floating in an abyss, you barely opened your eyes again and realized you're now lying on a rough asphalt surface, feeling as if boiling water was thrown all over your body. It was a minute until you realized the fight was over. You've readied yourself for this. Yeah, you pretty much did; you gently told yourself. Even though the last decent interaction you've had was when he leaned his head on your shoulders, you got the courage to accept that as the last. You know for certain that preparing yourself for the dusk preceding into darkness and having it for the rest of your days is always easier said than done, but still—
You abruptly felt Hange cover your eyes then you're shot back to reality again; your sobs tipped at its loudest despite your whole body staying unmoved. Your hands were trying to reach up, perhaps to crawl, towards a glimpse you didn't even recognize that much.
"Calm her down or knock her unconscious. She's noisy." Levi muttered with pain lacing his voice. Hange coaxed you to let yourself rest because everyone standing on this roof is literally the only ones who survived and they can't have you dead because of something like this. As your cries slowly went weaker, a vague thought rattled your last bits of consciousness: you're pretty much an empty shell again, but unlike before, you can't deal with this anymore. Your mind's not that clear to reason out why, but this is absolutely your tipping point.
But then the ground shook and your fuzzy thoughts were cut Hange removing their hand and your eyes opening wide, the armored titan stood in his glory. You can't believe the fight's not yet over and everyone would indeed end up dead. He swayed his hand to crush all of you into pieces and so you shrieked for those who could to move out of here quickly. However, as confusing as it was, no one on that roof listened.
Then his hand came. Your vision blacked out.
"Hey," A palm rested on your head with your eyes closed. "It's okay. Nothing's gonna hurt you."
"Isabel…?" You pondered. "Am I dead now?"
She chuckled, "No! You're having a hard time but you're not dead. What's bothering you?"
The armored titan crushed us. That's what was bothering me.
"Here. Drink some water first. You've been crying a lot since earlier." Furlan chipped in.
"She clearly can't hear us. Let's bring her to the hospital already." Levi asked from quite a distance.
Why? Do we still have the means to—no, wait. This is weird.
In a blink of light, you can see things again and this time it's way more comprehensible. You're in Isabel's bed. She's seated beside you. Furlan is standing in front, holding a glass. Levi's leaning on the door with arms crossed.
After a moment, Isabel raised her hand in front of you. "What number is this?" You didn't answer. Even if you can see clearly, your brain's too distorted to even comprehend how many that was.
Furlan scooted towards you and rested the glass on your cheek; you instinctively flinched yet he didn't remove it. "Is it cold or warm?" You didn't answer. You don't feel it at all.
This time, Levi walked nearer but quickly halted when you gasped. Oh god, you muttered as the ground shook. Is it an earthquake? You rested your hands on the bed to feel it and thereby rationalize. No, this is definitely not an earthquake. You glanced towards them again and the look on their faces was as horrified as you are.
"The titans," You released a shaky breath upon realization. "Have they finally come here? In this world?" You saw Levi open his mouth to say something but was cut off by huge stones being thrown all over the area. The overwhelming sounds made you shriek in panic. You even heard some land hardly on the balcony. With both hands gripping the sides of your head, you faced the three. "What are you waiting for? We have to move quickly! Are you planning to die here?"
"What is–" Furlan was cut off with another bang; you flinched again. It presumably landed in the dining room.
"The gears, we don't have gears with us." You panicked. "Maybe we can avoid the boulders if we crawled but–" Then tried to stand up and walk. "–if we stayed on the ground the titans might–"
You were cut off when Levi shouted out your name. He's already in front of you with hands clasped on your shoulders. "Come to your senses! There are no titans here, no boulders even! You have to calm down!" Then silence came, not because you believed him but because you remembered his remark on that roof— "Calm her down or knock her unconscious. She's noisy." — It dreaded you for the second time; you're pretty much an empty shell again, but unlike before, you can't deal with this anymore. You placed a palm on top of your head, gently this time, then messy sobs came out. Levi's grip on your shoulder lightened. Your knees weakened. You let yourself fall to the ground.
"Erwin–" You huffed a loud sob. "Erwin's gone."
"He's what?" Isabel exclaimed in panic.
Levi sighed and then reached for his phone. "He's not talking about that Erwin." Before he went out of the room, he called for Furlan and Isabel. "Get the oil in mom's closet and make her smell that. Wrap her up in a blanket and help her ground. Grab her meds downstairs as well."
The fiasco pretty much ended after that, at least on the outside. Erwin arrived not too long after as well. You saw him walk inside the room, felt his hand when he cupped your cheek, saw his mouth open as if he called for your name; all that yet you can't respond. Not only did the sensations feel so weak and your muscles can't be lifted, but you can also see and hear plenty of moments happening all at once. From Erwin sitting beside you as he asked how you are doing, your knife pointed to an old king with long hair and a thick beard, a little girl with light hair and a cloth headband running towards a huge tree that lit up moments after, and then—
"Here." Levi handed you a cup in his hand. "Have a tea first before we talk about the mess earlier." You were about to try lifting your hand to get it but then Levi's figure glitched, terribly so, as if you're watching a horror movie but it's from your own eyes and not a mere TV screen.
"Have a tea first before we talk about you quitting the Scouts according to Erwin's will. He didn't plan to deprive you of your job. He just indicated that you retransfer to the Military Police." He handed you a cup that smelt like chamomile.
"I'm not quitting." You scowled in anger. "Who the hell does he think he is, making me abide by orders without any ounce of rationality? He's literally a corpse now. Cut me off some slack."
Then it glitched again. It took you a blink to realize you're back being on Isabel's futon; Erwin and Levi were staring at you aghast.
"What was that? Who the hell gave you order without an ounce of rationality?" Levi remarked in shock. Erwin looked sidewards with eyebrows curled in worry, or guilt– you don't know. Your brain's too foggy to comprehend it.
"I'm not… sure. Everything's occurring in my head all at once." Your voice tipped down into mumbles. "There's a little girl, tree, knife, old man, tree…"
Levi nudged at Erwin, "Experienced the same?"
"No," Erwin muttered. "It never became as confusing as that."
Confusing as that…? You abruptly flinched as if realizing something and called Erwin's name in quite a panic. "This world's getting fragile. One snap then it'd crumble away only to get replaced with that. What if we're too late?"
"It won't."
"No! You must understand it more than anyone!"
Erwin scooted nearer and palmed your cheeks. "How do my hands feel?"
"Huh?" You ignored his remark with curled eyebrows, "We might have not much time le–"
"Feel it and answer me." He cut you off sternly with a hard stare.
It took you a couple of seconds to answer. "It's warm." Your voice broke.
"What do warm hands mean?"
"It means–" You bit your lower lip. "–you're alive."
"What's the difference in that world?"
Tears fell, "You're dead in there."
"So how would that replace this world if it got a completely different situation?" You got silent. Erwin, just as usual, slid his thumbs on your cheeks to wipe the tears away. After a while of not responding, his stare softened again. "See now? I told you over and over again. It can never replace this world."
When Erwin realized you're trying to register it, he removed his hands on your cheeks. You almost got the ability to ground yourself as they let you but you lost it again after attempting to explain what's going on inside you. "But there are so many worlds existing in my head. Various events, different conversations, piling up and up and up–" Your temples throbbed again. You gripped your hair. It was only a matter of time before your vision blurred and your head felt heavy. Voices of Erwin and Levi asking you what was happening got weaker until you couldn't hear them anymore. Despite the attempts to not admit defeat, you lost your consciousness again.
When you opened your eyes, you realized you're now standing in the woods. It's dusk. You can hear wild dogs roaring from a distance, footsteps in your direction, and a running little girl wearing tattered clothes and a headband. There was an arrow pierced in her shoulders. For some reason, you're hearing a male voice in your head and you can recognize it despite not hearing it ever before.
What am I watching this time?
The owner of that voice, named Wahren, was hiding inside a bush as he watched the little girl desperately run for dear life. He was supposed to kill her, that's what he was told, as he's one of the soldiers tasked to hunt her down all because she released some livestock out of the pen. He also had no idea where his guts were coming from. He knew too well that the tribe's ruler never got mercy. It can quickly kill a lowly man like him for not following through with orders. However, a thought was tingling inside his head; this little girl had a semblance and fate with his late little sister, killed by a silly mistake as well at the same age. Perhaps it was his grief, desperation even, to not see something like that ever again. Maybe sparing this one quite a little would calm his guilt for failing to protect someone most dear to him even for a tad bit; perhaps he's just projecting. But then again, it's not like he has something to live for either way. If he got busted for it, he could just kill himself before they do.
His thoughts and steps came to a stop upon seeing an uncanny massive tree with a crevasse at its base, and he was too aghast to even mutter a word. He often comes inside the woods to hunt but never in his life had he seen such a tree. Nonetheless, the little girl came running towards it and Wahren sighed in relief. The sunset just ended after all. She'd be hard to spot from hereon. As he turned his back to go back and feign ignorance at what he just saw, the tree was abruptly hit by a flash of lightning. The whole area burned up and unfortunately, he's too near to even dodge it. Still, the last thought that came to Wahren's mind was sheer relief. He could finally die and even if the concept of the afterlife never came across his mind, what he desperately wished for was to lose grasp of his failures, the trembling culpability of having every loved one dead while he remained alive.
As much to his dismay, he woke up the morning after. The whole area wasn't burnt into crisp, not at all. The plants nearby actually bloomed too quickly that he almost thought he was in a completely different place. The tree was gone and the little girl was nowhere to be found as well.
Most importantly, something uncanny was occurring inside his brain. He held on to his temples as they throbbed very hard; heaps of different events and possibilities were ensuing all at once— humans running from giants, giants running from humans, humans with unimaginable things that could explode and harm other beings, humans surrounded by the tallest of tallest structures, and different worlds materializing everytime a choice is made. It was constant that he almost lost his head; he even fainted only to wake up with the same feeling again.
It was months-long of mind torture until Wahren fully grasped what was happening. After all, the little girl came back with a mysterious power at hand as well. Something must be up in that tree that caused his ability to see different arrangements beyond imagination. And one dreary night inside his hut, he realized that he wasn't just seeing worlds to worlds, he could go beyond structuring one as well. It was perhaps the happiest moment in his entire life; he even almost went for it. Who wouldn't? He had lost so much ever since this tribe conquered their land, killed his parents, cut his and his sister's tongue, and eventually killed his sister afterward— he had no hope left and nothing to anticipate. He couldn't see any reason to have the world continue its existence.
As much as he was delighted, however, huge fear lingered deep inside his consciousness. If he ever came to use his power, what would happen to the world he resided in? Would it crumble, perhaps cause the end of the world? Can he carry such a burden in the new one he's going to build? Would he be some sort of an ominous being afterward? His smile didn't last long as dread consumed him of uncertainties. If he decided to never use his ability, the overwhelming existence of all worlds wrapped inside his head might last for a lifetime. If he used it, he might become a god-like being, kill everyone, and carry a big burden in exchange for such a huge power. And he doesn't want that. Not everyone would.
His reluctance and cold feet stopped for good one cold night when he managed to save a woman who just birthed without anyone, aside from him, rushing to help. Her tongue was cut, too, and she looked like left alone outside to die with the infant. It was when Wahren realized that he still wasn't done projecting his guilt into protecting anyone he saw fit. And as he took in the two beings under his care, they eventually became his only two reasons to not risk this world towards banishment; the same ones that heightened his apprehension towards the newfound power. Not only did he need to protect his new family from it, but he also had to keep it from the threat of exploitation. Unlike the young girl, he doesn't want to be at the disposal of the Eldian tribe. He has a will of his own and that is to safeguard the existence of those he deems important. Wahren didn't deprive his descendants of this knowledge but he enclosed it as a silly bedtime story in hopes that they would never carry such a burden of existence inside them. As he watched them get older, he then realized that none of his children got it. Relieved at that fact, Wahren was able to die in peace.
But then again, perhaps any optimism towards a full-on curse will always be a futile struggle. Every single descendant of Wahren who'd end up in a fate similar to him, the tormenting grief leading towards hopelessness of having the world continue its existence, will have the same crosses to bear.
Hundred years passed with the persistence of the titan war and Wahren's descendants were obliterated all at once as collateral of a battle, only because they happened to live on the east border of Eldia. Verra, the lone survivor of the attack, was immensely covered in anguish after having everyone she grew up with stomped down into nothingness. A ray of hope struck her after a family of Marleyan farmers kept her in right after. They were kind and understanding, to say the least, that they didn't mind having an Eldian under their wing despite the same race subjecting them to endless aggression. However, that only hope was shattered for good after the same farmers got massacred by Eldian forces years after.
On that ghastly day, not only smoke and dust from the carcasses daunted Verra's vision but also the memories of every ancestor who got the same power triggered, as well as the fragments of different worlds coexisting all at once– something that'd wreak havoc inside her head from hereon.
After a blink, she saw herself lying down in a vast space. She was as if inside a thick straight line with transparent walls and grounds. Above her was a line as well consisting of what seemed to be a different dimension full of imperceptible animals and brown sand; below her was a civilization of humanity with silverish elements towering them. On her both sides, an abyss of darkness with twinkling lights stood in its glory. Despite being here for the first time, she completely knew what this place was as she saw it in the fragments of memories moments ago; she's in the Parallel, a space where the first founder of this power resides. She gave herself a slap and the pain confirmed that she was still indeed alive. The screams of her brain that urged her to get out of this quick were all cut off when the aged man with tied-up hair and a long thick beard appeared. He was wearing a ragged brown robe. He's not unfamiliar, not at all, for she saw his memories as well moments ago.
It was Wahren, the first bearer. He reached a hand at her so she could stand up, and as she followed suit, she heard him speak inside her mind instead of a voice coming out straight from his mouth. "This will not be a long talk for you're already aware of the conditions." He started as Verra examined him. "Now I must ask, do you plan to have the power at your disposal?"
She undoubtedly would. If she ever could make a world where Eldians and the same titans who wrecked her home would perish, she would use it without hesitation. She'll have them at her mercy, crush all of them repeatedly until they're all unmoveable heap. She'll laugh at them, have them reminded of every single time they—
"You might be misunderstanding something here, young woman." Wahren cut her thoughts as if he heard her just well. "I must apologize. The stipulation revolving the power of the parallel might be unclear to you as of the moment."
"Then explain so. If I ought to do something that'd guarantee the ability all for myself then I'd be more than willing to have it."
"I doubt you would." He interjected in lament. Before she could retort, however, he added. "You only have partial access to this dimension because you're one of my descendants. To have it completely, the bearer must voluntarily eliminate themselves in the world they are in and they must do so by dusk."
Verra released a wry chuckle, "You think I can't do that? I don't have anyone in that world anymore. That's the easiest thing I could do next time I wake up again."
"After obtaining cognition on the existence of multiple worlds, you must know next that you can't make a completely new one on your own. All you have under your ability is to occupy an existing one and impose two conditions under your privilege– one concerning physical laws and one in pursuit of your will, as the bearer, throughout your life."
Despite not having the particular conditions in mind yet, Verra still had the certainty and taunt in her features. "So all I have to do to obtain it is to have myself killed by dusk?"
"The conditions the bearer must set upon their power must be pondered seriously." Of course, I would; Verra interjected in her thoughts. "After all, those conditions would exist in exchange for the bearer's existence."
There, the smug look on her face was replaced with shock. "Does that mean I'll…?"
"Right. The bearer will cease to exist in the world they plan to set conditions on." Wahren quickly replied. "Do you think the conditions you had in mind are something so worth it that you'd risk your existence for it?"
She's quite in denial, "My existence in that world, as a woman belonging in Eldia? Is that what you meant?"
The old man shook his head no. "Your existence in every world subsisting in space."
That's where the flash of memory ended. The last thing you've felt from Verra's consciousness was immense reluctance. Perhaps if she could have such power at her disposal, she must have the privilege of relishing it as well.
And that's what sets the line between the two of you; you never cared for your existence to begin with. If you've got the privilege to impose even the subtlest conditions on some world just so the people you deem important would live a relatively better life, you will never hesitate, not even at the expense of your being. Furthermore, months after you recovered from the catastrophe in Shiganshina, you were made aware that Hange is dismissing you from your post as a Scout. You're not clear on the reason just yet and you even glowered the first time you heard it, but you started taking no mind of it after that vision came. If you can't leverage your job as a soldier to die by dusk, you'll do it yourself instead.
That is until Levi came banging on your door before evening came.
His eyebrows curled upon seeing the mess beside the barely opened door. "What the fuck? How can you live like this? Are you a rat?" He was wearing a white polo underneath a black blazer with his cravat displayed neatly. He was also holding a letter sealed in an envelope, presumably from Hange.
"Speak of your intentions or leave." You groggily replied.
"This is about Hange's order to make you quit–"
"I know it already. Go away now." You quickly cut him off and were about to shut the door but Levi stopped it with a foot.
"You didn't report for one month and two weeks already since your recovery, ignored every subordinate that came knocking at your door, and even left the hospital without decent notice." He lowly remarked. "Now why do you think Hange forced me on an errand as silly as this?"
Still, you're unperturbed. "Tell Hange I already accept whatever's imposed regarding my job."
"You didn't even hear it properly. A soldier reported you were still barely rational when they brought the message and you even made a scene inside your room until the damn doctors sedated you. Have you lost some screws in the head? Do we need to recover it in Shiganshina, perhaps beside Erwin's corpse?"
You're still not used to the upheaval of existence swamped inside your head for a while now and you can't deal with this without a ringing headache. You shut your eyes tight and hissed in pain. "Please, just—come back the next day. I just need to sleep this headache away." And lied. You're also quite in a rush right now as it's a few moments away until dusk.
"It was on Erwin's last will to have you quit," Levi muttered then your eyes were shot wide. "That's why Hange can't go against it."
Your hands started trembling a little and Levi took the opportunity to kick the door open so he could enter. "If you'll keep on being a damn child right now then be my guest." He grabbed your hand gently, much to your surprise, and ushered you to the dining table.
You sighed heavily as you sat, "Then don't bother yourself. I need to be alone right now."
He ignored you, and as much as you're vexed at him randomly opening kitchen closets and bantering at how you descended from a noble soldier to a lowly rodent, you really can't shoo him away. Not when your head is swirling. After a moment, he walked towards you. "Here. Have a tea first before we talk about you quitting the Scouts according to Erwin's will. He didn't plan to deprive you of your job. He just indicated that you retransfer to the Military Police." He handed you a cup that smelt like chamomile.
"I'm not quitting." You scowled in anger. "Who the hell does he think he is, making me abide by orders without any ounce of rationality? He's a corpse now. Cut me off some slack."
"Is that what you said to the soldier who came to you that day as well?" He stayed unperturbed. He rather walked around and sounded like grabbing up things randomly. It wasn't long until you realized he was really about to clean your damn house.
"I told you to stop bothering yourself on this." You grimaced. "I'm not in the headspace to register the things you're about to say right now. I'll just drop by the ba–" You paused as he walked past you to get a broom in the corner of the kitchen. "Levi!" You exclaimed.
"What?" He turned to you. "Is this what you'll become after his death? And when you kept on retorting to my banters about you being a mere doll. Is that actually true? Are you as good as dead now that your owner died?"
"Get out of my house." You glared at him.
"Then what? The only one who could take your stubbornness very well is buried inside a fucking basement. If you keep on being a mess right now then I might as well knock you unconscious and have soldiers bring you to the barracks by force." Before you could shoot back angrily at that, however, he quickly cut you off. "Keep your words until I clean this crap up, or if you want this dispute to be solved faster then help me do so."
You looked out the window and realized it was beyond dusk already. You sighed in defeat and let Levi do whatever he thought to do. Your head was also ringing worse than earlier and if you don't nap it away you'd certainly explode and lose your cool again just like how you did back at the hospital.
When you woke up, Levi's already sat in front of you with a grim expression. "You're groaning while sleeping." He quickly clarified even before you could ask why he didn't wake you up.
"Sorry." You muttered. Fortunately, the headache subsided quite a bit. "You might be right. I might've banged my head hard that day. It's been a mess since."
"Hange intended to schedule a debriefing with you after you recover but you never showed up since then. I never thought it'd be this bad."
"Congrats on your discovery, little Captain. Now please give this lowly rodent a privilege to hear what you actually came here for." You tiredly replied.
"I used to look at my banters as nothing but silly gestures to get under people's nerves but it looks like some of it turned out right." He started. "How dismaying. You really ended up being Erwin's lowly marionette that's no use left because he's dead."
You shot him a surly look, "Is this what you came here for?"
"Explain all the stuff inside the bedroom right now." He lowly retorted and you felt your limbs freeze.
"What the fuck? You went all the way to my bedroom? Have you got no decency left in you?" Still, Levi stayed unmoved. His face just got angrier, even. You gently brushed a hand on your head to calm yourself down. "This talk is over. Leave now."
"So everything will end like this? Even after witnessing countless deaths from our comrades?"
"Levi, I told you to leave–"
"Is Erwin that different from everyone? Was he the only reason why you kept on being a Scout? How about the countless soldiers who died before him that never led you to plot something like this?"
"Are you seriously asking me this now?"
"I am. At least I'll have you blurt out your shallowness before the rest of us attend your funeral. That way the kids won't have to grieve at you losing your life because one of them actually got to live instead of him; or have Hange burdened with further regret at attempting something in respect to that bastard's nonsense but final wishes," He gritted his teeth and clenched his hand. "–or me crippling down because of my own decision."
Finally, the anger in your face subsided and was replaced with pain; the very same expression Levi was having in front of you. You understood that well, at least you're being reminded that you should, but you're utterly exhausted and you never planned to become like this. You never thought you'd be as good as dead after his demise because you have seriously prepared yourself for it— for countless times, for every moment you stopped your urges to give in, for the days you feigned ignorance at how he looked at you, or how he smiled whenever you agree to go with him during weekends, or how he frankly gave in by cupping your face and kissing your head— because all of it just gave you endless tremors on your limbs. The tormenting desire to admit out loud that for all the moments your eyes met and your skins came in contact, nothing was in your mind but the yearning to have it for yourself rather than a luxury. That you vehemently hoped for your affection to be something that'd keep both of you in solace instead of anguish. That you seriously regretted not consoling him in any way, not even a tight squeeze on his hand, because it was never his fault that you stayed beside him and it doesn't have to hurt him more than the torture itself.
And now that you've got aware of a way to have him outlive just this moment just so he could see what he dedicated his whole life for, you ultimately can't let that slip away even at the expense of your existence and the fact that you won't see him again nonetheless. You were willing to brush off the desire to ever witness, even from afar, the look on his face as he finally proved his father right. To be able to grant him a world where he gets that is something you'd do over and over again. Perhaps at that moment, you'd finally be at ease. It might even be possible to have your brother grant his silly wishes as well without falling to death. You're certain those were more important than you and you'll continue looking at it that way.
You smiled at Levi apologetically. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry everyone like that."
"I'm not asking for apologies. Answer me."
"I don't know what came to me. I'm sorry." You lied and both of you got silent.
After a while, he stood up. "You don't need to pay me back for cleaning your mess. I just need you to come to the barracks with me." You turned to him and the subtle yet heavy guilt on his face was the last needed push to finally let the emotions out. "That's the least I could do for making that decision."
"I will never blame you for that. No one should dare so, not even you." You bit your lip to avoid letting out a sob. He didn't answer, he just entered your room again and disposed of everything he pertained to earlier.
After a while, he gave you your coat. "Then you should do the same. If he wants you to suffer until your last breath then do it, just like any other orders you've followed for him."
End note: my challenge is to not make it confusing though so please do tell if it actually did haha