Warnings: S4 spoilers
How you looked today was nothing new from every soldier's sight— mussed hair, dead smile, tired composure, and all things bland. Even your new assistant is used to it as if it's always been established how pitiless your commander might be for never letting you rest.
Still, for that foolish commander's eyes, you looked as radiant as usual. It's as if your suffering exudes enthrallment for him. They might not be wrong, though, because for that very reason your table is currently piled with countless papers while the perpetrator himself is admiring the sight of you looking so immersed.
If you'd take a glance, you might think this is a work-related report being worked on. Believe me, this is on the list of my guilts as well and I shamelessly hope my moronic admittance would make up for it a bit (I know it won't, though. You looked quite sad when I gave the papers to you after all).
I saw a letter quite similar to this weeks ago, something that I might've made when I was still barely an adult. It's composed of more than tolerable flattery and mayhap exude a snort for someone who'd come across it. However, the same piece of paper instigated this foolish gesture as you told me back then that you don't desire to hear vile words from me when we part ways for good. I figured that might be the only thing I could grant you.
How foolish, really, for a man who's not so young anymore to do only this much.
See, I swore to myself that I could only have the luxury to lay all of this down when I finally start paying for my sins— which I suppose already started at the time this letter reached you— and just like any other mission, I failed more than once to my greed. I was honestly on the verge of doing so until I died but I remembered every soldier I had deprived of the same opportunity. When I touched your face for the very first time, the death of your brother showed up to me in my sleep. On the day I brazenly repeated the same mistake by resting beside you, your brother came back with all of our fallen comrades to put me in my place. Their voices got louder since then, and I just know better than to anger them more.
I apologize for that. It would be less tormenting for you had those failures never occurred in the first place.
You are someone who is always full of tenderness even for those who do not deserve it, and that tenderness became something an unremorseful being like me yearned for. Perhaps the only moment I was able to tell you that was when we came across Marie and her children, so I hope I would be able to voice it more from hereon.
You dreamt of it again, this time you had him say it to you instead of voiceless words in a pen. You placed a forearm on your eyes as you heaved your usual daybreak lamentations. When your headache piqued, you took deep breaths and turned your senses to feel things inside the barracks room instead— half of your body in sweat under the sheets, the rough cloth of Erwin's tattered trench coat you clung to as you slept, and more.
It really isn't getting any better, your brain is riddled not only with his death but also with the scenarios getting more and more unhinged inside your head. They are beyond understandable— the fate Eldia would face had Ymir chose to use the power for herself, the tree of anomaly harboring another human vessel to project its power which produced a world coexisted by another type of monster, basically all sorts of dimensions warped up every time a choice is embarked. All of it is awfully vivid. You can even feel the blood spurting to you whenever the scenario gets too graphic.
Today, Hange summoned you to their office for the delayed debriefing. Upon entering, you saw how crestfallen they are. Hange returned the lament smile you gave them.
"I'm sorry for doing this. I really don't want to let you go, especially since only a few of us managed to go back." Hange grieved. "But he just knew his will would be the only opportunity to have you out. He was resolute on it."
"Were you aware of it beforehand?"
Hange looked sidewards in guilt and nodded. "Erwin and I had a briefing before the expedition to discuss the turnover of things if he died, and this was one of the matters he laid down. Although to be honest, I only got completely aware of how serious he was when I read the will last month."
"Can I read that as well?" You asked and before they could respond, Levi knocked on the door. Hange told him to enter.
He handed a document to Hange's table. "Here. The data regarding the restructure as well as the transferees." He glanced at you. "Debriefing's done?"
"We just started," Hange answered then turned to you again. "And about the will, sorry. Erwin preferred to have it seen by me and Levi only."
"Why would he do that?"
"Because you're not a Scout anymore. It's not any of your concerns." Levi interjected.
You rolled your eyes at him, "If it included the crap about my transfer then it is my concern."
"Not like it'd answer any of your questions. You know it already. The reason's bullshit and that's it." You remained silent after that. Levi sat down and turned to Hange. "Nile is following up with her already. Historia needs someone experienced beside her."
"I haven't agreed yet." You flatly replied.
Levi frowned. "What's taking you so long then? You figured working right beside the queen is harder than kissing nobility's asses for humanity's freedom?"
"Yeah, being a lowly bodyguard of a kid is harder than being Scout Regiment's Section Commander."
"You're not a bodyguard. You're working directly under the queen— diplomatic talks and crap, help her figure shit out. "
"Oh, I apologize then. Being the queen's bodyguard and tutor is a hard job— way harder than being a Scout soldier." You deadpanned.
"Don't tell me you're getting inferiority complex when you haven't even started yet."
Hange sighed, "Levi, stop. She just came back here."
"Yeah, after more than a month. The kid who took over her job is losing his shit learning things on his own because his higher-up had been absent during transition, and Historia who usually got Erwin to help her behind the curtains is losing her shit as well because no soldier with sincere experience of retaking lands and diplomacy is standing beside her."
You massaged your temples and lowly replied, "And apparently, everything you have said can be done if I remained in my post."
"And we're in a dire situation to even think of your choice."
"I have every fucking choice if you set aside Erwin's will." You angrily shot back, the tone unfamiliar to both of them. It seems like Erwin had taken your composure as well in his grave.
"Yeah? And what do you think will happen if you remained as a Scout? You think the burn all over your body is a joke?"
Hange agreed with a sigh, "According to your records, with your muscles wasting down and bones losing compact I doubt you'd be able to handle your gear as efficiently as previously."
"Erwin lost a damn arm that obviously crippled him but was still permitted to join that catastrophe."
"And look where it got him." Levi quickly retorted. "You've been given the platform to continue the cause with relatively safer and as equally important line work. What's not clicking?"
"What's not clicking? I got a dead man depriving me of my free choice to push through my life all by his fucking will. Without well-explained reasons. Want me to say more?" You lashed out. "Seriously, Captain. Reason it out to me so I'd go by my entire life crippled by burns without the choice to live or die in pursuit of my resolve." At that point, no one said anything anymore. Nothing would be able to reason it out, after all. As crucial as the situation was, you're all tied down by Erwin's last words and he can never be here again to take it back.
When the silence got longer and you figured you were too angry to be rational, you stood up. "I'll go to Armin and orient him with the logistics myself, but as long as I'm not getting the rationale of having Erwin decide on how to live the rest of my life when he's not even here in the first place, no one gets to transfer."
At the time your back was turned and about to open the door, Levi called your name tiredly. "His reason's not that complicated than you want it to be. You just have to acknowledge it and pity him. At least have him something pleasant to look down in here while he tormentingly pays his sins at hell. That's the least that we could do as the people left alive."
"I'm not even sure if he could look down. If I'm certain he could then I would've done it without any question."
"But see," Hange called your name. "I might not be able to show it to you but Erwin only got three things he vehemently hoped for until his death. The answer that he never got to have, an afterlife in hell which we could never confirm, and the only thing we could grant of him was the third, which is to have you live the life he's deprived of you."
"You were the third thing listed on his greatest wishes," Levi muttered. "How could we even deny that poor man of such a stupid request? When that's the only thing we could do for him?" You shakily heaved a sigh and when you're sure they won't be saying anything anymore, you went out and shut the door tight.
At first, you still weren't set on following through Erwin's will and the two just let you linger around the Scout barracks without securing a position. However, it's as if Erwin was watching you and noticing you're not complying with it. You ended up receiving a letter again after a month that partially made you laugh; you realized that must be the reason why the first one looked incomplete.
With the continuous ponders, your weary nights persisted.
"The bearer will cease to exist in the world they plan to set conditions on." The reluctant look on Verra's face confirmed Wahren's remark. Indeed, she might not end up using it after all. "Do you think the conditions you had in mind are something so worth it that you'd risk your existence for it?"
"My existence in that world, as a woman residing in Eldia? Is that what you mean?"
The old man shook his head no. "Your existence in every world subsisting in space."
"Then what is it for? The ability is as good as gone then!"
"That's why I am urging you to exhaust all means you see fit first before deciding on it."
"There's nothing left to exhaust! My entire family is dead!" Verra cried. "If that's the case then I'll just make a world where every single person who trampled on my loved ones would suffer more than I did. To hell if I don't exist again!"
"Then what will occur by then? Who would witness it? Who would be satisfied?" Wahren replied in lament. "I swore to protect the will of my descendants from this power, and it's clear to me that this had to be asked so I could protect yours."
"I just don't want to go back there again!" As if Verra never got the chance to grieve, she wailed loudly like a little girl lost in the woods. "How am I supposed to exhaust all means? All the conditions I had in that world to keep going are all gone now!"
Wahren didn't respond at first. Perhaps it was because he understood, or he's just guilty. Still, he didn't hesitate. "Kill the king of Eldia. If you won't be satisfied by then, come back to me. The power of the parallel can't be removed once it's triggered. If you ever decided to use it yourself then I won't pry in anymore." Verra intended to blink down the tears away, but when she opened her eyes again everything was back on the pile of carcasses. She can still feel the overwhelming dimensions inside her head but Wahren's words struck her harder. Kill the king of Eldia. If you won't be satisfied by then, come back to me.
It wasn't a bad idea for her, to say the least. If she were to die along the process, then her entire race would be damned in another world. She undoubtedly prepared for it for a while — entered the royal castle as a caught slave, mingled with the lowest of royal guards until she reached the direct army of Karl Fritz, and when the right time came she broke inside his room with a sharp knife. No covers on her face, even, as if to taunt at how she went do or die on this.
Karl was extremely surprised but not terrified at all. Before he could mutter anything, Verra started. "The casualties near the east border of Eldia included innocent farmers from the other race. All instigated by the bastards who work under your very command. I don't care if you end up being a titan in front of me because even if I manage to lose or win this battle, I'll see to it that the Eldians will suffer from all the crimes they have done in this world."
There, much to Verra's surprise, Karl's demeanor changed. He's not in any way surprised, no fear lingering at all, not even anger. He just looked at her with a rueful smile. When Karl raised up his hands as if to admit easy defeat, Verra's hand started to feel jitters. This is clearly not what she had expected.
"My life will never suffice in taking back all the pain Eldia had given all over the world. Do what you must. You're completely in the right and I'd be more than honored to have my life taken by you."
She didn't feel thankful at the seemingly quick bargain, not at all. If what's behind the anguish she had experienced was a silly king pretending to embody guilt so he could have an easy way out, just what did her family die for? With a shaky cry and seething anger, she replied. "Then why! If I'm completely in the right and you're aware then why did they die? Why did you let such a catastrophe happen in our land?"
The old man looked down in mourning, "I am well aware no apologies will ever compensate. All I ever did as soon as I sat on the throne was to minimize the war casualties until it fully came to stop, then gather all Eldians towards death. However, throughout all those, I swore to myself that if ever a war victim comes to take my life then I'd completely surrender."
"Exhaust all means." Wahren's words reverberated in her head. In that short silence, Verra's knife started shaking, then came her whole body, then her voice. Karl's room was occupied by her wails. A few seconds after, Verra rushed to pin him on the wall and had the knife drape slowly in his neck. But the attack was short-lived because as soon as their skins came into contact a surge of spark jolted their bodies and their sights diverted into that day— the tree of anomaly struck by the lightning. They both saw what exactly happened through the first founders' lenses. The power of the titans, as well as the parallel, basically diverged from the same place.
The contact felt extremely painful as if they were grounded by lightning so Verra jumped back. Karl dropped to his knees right after, and nothing was exchanged between the two of them except extreme shock.
It wasn't long until Karl started crying and rested his head on the floor as if pleading at Verra, "I beg you! Lend me your power so we could end this cycle! Make a world where each and every one of us would pay for everything we have done!"
"I–" She let out a confused huff and lightly covered her mouth in shock. Her speechlessness only made Karl's cries harder.
"No, you're the only one who could. I beg of you!"
She wondered if Wahren knew this would happen and if this was the reason why he made her go here. Upon realizing a whole new hope of justice rekindling in front of her, she quickly gained her composure. "If I were to make a new world, I will see to it that you're the one who'd suffer the most. Not only will I cripple you in pain, but you will also remember what your blood had done. If you're in sheer guilt then you'll have more. Nothing will occur in that world but chaos. No one will exist but titans and Eldians as their food." With that, Karl raised his head again and his face finally laced with horror. Verra let out a wry huff at the sight. "Why? Did you just think of yourself? That you don't deserve that much since you're the only royalty who got guilty for your atrocities?"
It took a while until he muttered, "No. I'm unhonored to ever decide on it. However, I admit I would also like to give the other people of this world some justice. The Marleyans and every race who suffered for it. I wouldn't mind if I get to suffer, but I'm afraid I need to see to it that justice will be served somehow."
Finally, Verra got set on what needed to be done. "Then bring me with it. Unless I deem your plans worth more than creating a world of disaster, I will not give you mercy."
When Karl stood up again and reached for her hands in a plea, an agreement was forged. With Verra's participation, the plan to enclose the whole Eldian race inside Paradis was commenced. Because of the power of the Parallel, Verra was immuned by the founding titan hence her memories weren't erased. Karl Fritz, now going by Reiss and now Verra's ally, asked her what she wanted to do from hereon. She said she wanted to spend the last moments of her life in peace. Feeling immense gratitude for Wahren, she also chose to live by his will— to keep the power a secret to protect her family and her descendants.
"As much as I understand, it seems that the parallel could be triggered on its own," Karl remarked. "We need to ensure that won't happen with any of your descendants."
Verra concurred with that. She doesn't want her descendants to go through the same thing she did and face the same risks it imposed. Going to the parallel alone had consequences already; the persistence of all different universes existing all at once until death. It has been years since she got it and yet she can't still get used to it. "Then my family must not be subjected to any kind of torment, something you have already granted. However, any form of trigger might be avoided if they would be aware of the power in the first place. That's why I plan to pass down a lie to my descendants."
"What would that be?"
"The power of the parallel would create a new world, but for the bearers to acquire it they must take the lives of half of the Eldians living in this land."
"I understand that you'll stick to your motivation to make the Eldians pay for it one way or another and I don't have any right to intervene. However, please grant me the privilege to secure a relatively peaceful life for the rest of my subjects."
Verra pondered on it. Throughout the years she and Karl had confided, they began seeing each other as equals. The camaraderie strengthened the mutual respect for their will. "Then I'll add another lie; no one must know about the power of the parallel aside from my descendants. If that happens, the power would be null for good. That would prevent them from making alliances with other Eldians to achieve it."
The king nodded, "Very well, then."
At the time you shot your eyes open and realized that you finally concluded Verra's life, everything made sense to you— the downfall of your early life, the fact that Verra's plan indeed became effective because no other bearers existed until you came, and the overall tragedy of those who were helplessly bound by the will of the few.
Verra's right, the Parallel wasn't as powerful as it seemed to be; imposing two limited conditions in an established dimension in exchange for the bearer's existence is something that might not be worth it at all. Nonetheless, you're still dead set on using it, and that conclusion finally did the job of convincing you to go by Erwin's will. Not because it was his order, but because you got a new resolve— to see until the end of it so you could carefully choose the conditions to be imposed under your power.
Years after in your new line work, you developed the same camaraderie with Historia. Although you did all your means to not have direct contact with her which included wrapping even your hands with gloves, you understood what you and Historia have are not the same with Verra and Karl. Indeed, both of you might have the power they had before. But unlike them, you would never impose something that'd bound the succeeding generations to such a detrimental fate.
Still, what you have avoided came the time Historia almost lost herself. She was instructed to stay at the farm in the meantime until the beast titan's arrival. Both of you knew what was bound to happen so her episodes were understandable and you tried to get used to it since you're the only one she was comfortable going to whenever it happens. On one of her episodes, she stormed inside your room while you were preparing.
"Some people outside the island are completely innocent! Just like your mother, there will be innocents who will never be aware of their fates and deaths!" She shouted as she tripped over the door and fell to her knees.
You rushed to her and crouched down so your faces would be on the same level, completely alarmed. "Historia, what are you talking about?"
Still, she continued as if she didn't hear you. "If you do this, we'll live by guilt for the rest of our lives! Please!" Then abruptly gripped your bare hands. She was cut off then because both of you gasped. The sheer jolt came with the memories of the founders. Historia's screams afterward alarmed even the soldiers outside. She went unconscious for the rest of the day.
You waited for her to wake up by sitting on the chair beside her bed. When she finally did, she let out a gasp again.
"Take three deep breaths before saying anything." You sternly remarked even before she could speak. After following you, your look at her softened.
Then she started crying, "What was that? Your ancestors? What?"
You gave her a glass of water, "If you're calm now then drink and eat. You lost consciousness earlier morning. It's almost midnight now. I'll bring you your food."
Before you could stand, however, she held onto you desperately. "You have that power as well, right? We're burdened by a heavy load just because of being born by their blood, right?" Historia wailed, "You're the only one who could understand me! Please don't leave me alone!"
"I'm not leaving you alone. I'm bringing you food to eat." You replied, but she didn't stop crying. You called the name of the soldier nearby and asked him to do it instead. "Fine, then. We have all the time to talk about it so eat first."
"I don't have the appe–"
"Eat. I don't care if it's one bite or half. Just eat." Realizing you're not going to entertain her inquiries if she won't follow through, she did as you're told.
"So it's true, right? You have the power the same as the founding titan. I saw everything through the lens of the first founders."
"It must've been overwhelming for you." You lamented.
"I'm sure you were the same if not more." She weakly replied then looked at you in a plea. "What made hold this long? Why didn't you tell anyone?"
"No one will remember this world either way. The Parallel can only grant another world, nothing more, nothing less. No benefits would be given to anyone."
"I will definitely benefit from it!" Historia cried. "Will this world crumble afterward? If so, can you use it now?"
"I know this is a hard time for you but–"
"I'm begging you! I don't want this anymore." She cut you off. "I can't live like this. Not in this world!"
"If you cry like this to me I won't be able to resist, you know?" You remarked in lament. "But I'm afraid I can't do that. I know you're pregnant." She was stunned then. When you saw the horrified look on her face, you quickly clarified. "I haven't told anyone yet because I understand why, but that's the same reason why I can't grant what you're asking for."
"I'm sorry. It's because I'm selfish. That's why I can't live with it. If there's someone in this place who could make a new one then I'd be desperate for it. If you could remove my vile personality along the way then I'd be very thankful as well."
"Just as you said earlier, we're burdened just because of being born by their blood. I'm really not sure what would happen to this world if I came to use it, but if the reason to do so would be just driven by our interests alone, don't you think we're no different from them?" Historia looked at you sadly and so you let her register it. When she smiled in lament, you ruffled her hair. "Don't worry. I'll still use it. I just need to see the end of what we've struggled for; at least hold the power down until my last breath. We have to keep going until then."
"What do you plan to create?"
"I'm not creating one. It's not as strong as you think. It can only do so much." You muttered sadly. "And I'll completely cease to exist after using it."
"Huh?" Historia huffed. "Nevermind, then! Don't use it! I won't remember it either way!"
"At first, I just wanted the commander to outlive that disaster and have his questions answered but I eventually realized that if there could be a world without the threat of titans, I'd do everything in my power to have it." Her look softened with that remark. "I'd like to preserve everyone's will in this world along the way so they could live the life that was terribly deprived of them. I opted for that instead of Erwin."
"I'm sure Commander Erwin will be glad of your choice either way. You know when he's still alive to help me sort things out, he often remarked that he has an aide that's completely excellent as well. He said that if he ever died, I can rely on you instead. He's completely right! You have helped me in more ways than he ever could." She squeezed your hand with a rueful smile. "One of the things I had thought upon realizing your power is that maybe it'd be possible for me to be friends with you again, without ranks and burdens dividing us this time around. But it's just too good to be true, isn't it?" She sniffed weakly.
You sat on her bed and hugged her tight. "I would choose that if I could. Over and over again."
Not too long after, deaths came piling up again one after the other. Every single one of your superiors and most of your subordinates died in the catastrophe at the royal castle. You've sunken down in torment and almost went for it again, but you figured that you have to wait for Hange and the others to come back first. During those dreadful days, you stayed at your comrades' graves; from your brother's, Isabel's, Erwin's, and more. You felt your body weaken further due to your burn injuries. Still, you tried holding it down in hopes that they'll come back and see you again.
"How familiar this sight is." The voice shot you awake. It was Levi, full of injuries and crippled in a wheelchair.
You huffed a shaky gasp, "When did you come back?"
"A week ago. Historia's in a constant fret, you know? No one knew where you went. Don't tell me you stayed in the cemetery all throughout without taking a bath." He grimaced.
"I still walk home to take a bath and stayed here most of the time. But right, I left without notice again. I'm sorry. How are the others? Where's Hange?"
"Dead." He quickly replied and so you looked down at the ground in grief. "But I saw them right after we killed Eren. They were smiling at me." Levi replied dolefully. "It might've been a silly hallucination though. I even thought I was dead, but it sure kept me in solace."
"So only the two of us ended up living, huh." You lamented.
Levi grabbed his cane to stand up and walked nearer to you. "I'm impressed you held on this long, You really took that man's will seriously."
"Thanks to you rubbing that on my face."
"I take pride in that."
You ended up smiling at the man in front of you. Despite being taken aback, he didn't flinch when you hugged him. "Get off. When's the last time you took a bath?"
"Shut up. Given your injuries, I bet I'm way cleaner than you right now." Your hug tightened and you rest your head on his shoulders. "I'm seriously happy you're alive. Please let me register it for a while."
He didn't move at first, but when you didn't withdraw he ended up hugging you back. "Do you think it's worth it?"
"What is?"
"All of this."
"Very much so." You withdrew from the hug, "And given that this was a literal hell, I'm certain a world to compensate for it would be made somewhere."
"I never thought you ended up being delusional to cope."
"It helped. You should try it too."
He sat down in his wheelchair again and you sat on the ground. "Amuse me, then."
"What do you want to do if you're in a relatively peaceful world?"
"What the fuck was that?"
"You agreed. Now play along."
"This is nonsense." Still, he looked like pondering about it. "Maybe a cafe. With the two brats. A complete family. That sorta stuff."
"Okay. Mine is–"
"Don't care, didn't ask."
"Play along." He rolled his eyes. "I don't know. I don't have an established notion of a family so… maybe being included in yours or something."
"Yuck, no. Why?"
You ended up laughing hard at that. When you came off from it, you replied. "So I could show Isabel how I genuinely treasure her. She's my first friend after all, and she even told me I could have the privilege to stay beside her as a cook."
His face changed. "I'll think about letting you in, I guess."
You smiled mournfully. Even if it's impossible, it won't be too bad to imagine it. "I'm dead sure you would."
"So apart from being delusional, what are we supposed to do?"
"Rot together. Have our corpses swaying in a parade intended for bastards who lived the longest."
"You certainly became a blunt piece of shit after he's gone."
"Yeah, had my subordinates talk behind my back because of that." You chuckled. "And as annoying as you are, I don't mind having your company as I rot down. Take that as a privilege."
"Just tell me you don't want to die alone and go."
"Yeah, I don't. And given our injuries, we're not too long in this world." You said ruefully. "You should let yourself be mushy, you know. You're too old to act hard."
"I might as well die."
"Then die." You huffed.
It was silent for a while. He broke it after pondering. "I don't want to die alone as well. I'm glad to have you to share that burden with."
You nodded in satisfaction, "I bet you're going to be so soft to me in that world." Then stood up again to hold on to his wheelchair. "Let's come back then. That kid started acting grumpy on me since she got pregnant."
When years passed, you finally got relieved that you waited. You witnessed Historia's child grow with features accentuating Erwin's. Sometimes it was too stirring to handle, but you definitely ended up liking it. That way, you have someone to look at whenever your mind's taking it hard to remember Erwin's exact features. When you started talking about how you wish the camera existed during his time so you wouldn't have this problem, Pierre gifted you a sketch.
"Where did you get this?" You gasped, "It looked so accurate! I tried finding a portrait before but they were never like this."
"It's from our archives. We actually planned to feature his face on an article before but Commander preferred a group of soldiers drawn instead. He didn't know we had already drawn his face so the staff ended up just throwing it away. Luckily I was able to keep it. I just tweaked some details to make it look more accurate." Then Pierre gave you another piece of paper. "And here, your portrait. I made that years ago."
"Oh, this–"
"It was from that day in Commander's office. Had Roy never ratted me out, I would give that as I confess. I still finished it, though I kept it in the archives as well. I saw it when I found the Commander's portrait and I figured to give it to you as well."
"You're seriously talented. This is the best thing I have received in my whole life." When you looked up at him and saw the flush on his face, you laughed heartily. "If I ever succumbed to my injuries one day, please tell them to burry me down with these papers."
"I'll keep that in mind." He smiled sincerely. "That's the least that I could do for everything that you've done."
Not too long after, you finally did, but you made sure you'll be gone by dusk.