Warnings: referenced abuse, overdosing, attempted murder
"If a world constantly shows itself before you, don't you think it's just like any other being begging to be recognized?" Erwin said that rainy night as he drove you back home.
And as you're looking at your bathroom mirror right now– bloodshot eyes, swollen nose due to your aggressive wipes of snot moments ago, and lips pursed tight– his remark finally sunk down in you. No, you're not talking about that world as it's pretty much established how you've recognized its existence now. You're talking about the woman that you were in there.
You are the same person. You never thought a day would come when you'll say that. You are that soldier, not just a silly counterpart. You can completely own that poor woman as your own. You cried as you did and felt utterly apologetic at how you threw that side of you away so easily. How you disconnected yourself at the silly yet deepest affection you shamelessly had over the commander and your comrades. You chose that path, those feelings, and him. So at this moment, you want nothing but to storm to his place and awfully apologize for muttering how bad you held that side of him with disdain, at how you finally understood that loving your Erwin here means loving that awfully cruel yet human part of him as well.
However, as crucial as those thoughts are, the snippets of your ancestor's memories rang in your mind as well. You really made sure to use whatever that power offers by having yourself dead in Paradis by dusk. Given that everyone's living in a completely different world now, it surely worked. However, something is utterly unsettling. You're supposed to be nonexistent in whatever world that'd be created along the way.
So why are you here?
Slowly but surely, the realization caught up to you and deprived you of your rationality. You hastily called on his phone which he picked up five missed calls after. "How are you? Are you okay?" His voice sounded urgent. The last time you called him this many was when you were on the highway so it didn't take his astuteness to realize that you might not be in a positive situation right now.
"I need to see you." You quickly replied.
He nodded through it, relieved that your voice doesn't entail any alarming bits to rush around your place. "Then I'll go to you. What's up?"
"I'm–" You gulped down as you mustered the courage to assert it despite his reiteration. "I'm finished seeing everything."
The other line was silent for a while and you shut your eyes tight in anxiousness. When it became too long to handle for you, you huffed a soft sob. It was then Erwin spoke again, as gentle as ever. "And you thought about seeing me now so you could tell me about it?"
"Sorry." You bit your lip hard. "I have to."
"You don't." His tone was wistful yet firm. "We already talked about this."
"No. It's not about you being greedy over it." And god, you feel like you don't have much time left even if you have no idea why. Just go for it, please. "After you died I was very desperate to have you again and tell you everything–"
"And you're not that woman." He quickly interjected. "You don't need to embody whatever will she had in that world. You're living a completely different life here."
"I am that woman. I can completely take her as my own and I feel like shit because I didn't and–" You sobbed, "–it was very painful. The time you were gone, I was as good as dead."
"I know." He gently replied and yet he's still resolute. "But before we see each other, I need you to promise me first that you won't tell me anything about it. Can you do that for me?"
"No, I'm–" Hearing his firmness almost sunk you in defeat. "–sorry. Please, just let me–"
"No." He interjected. "Promise me that first." And so it went silent.
Your sobs halted when panic rose up. The time ticking out of nowhere, the overwhelming feeling of multiple worlds existing all at once, and the confusion that comes along the way— they are all making your head roll in confusion. It made you not care about his request to respect his decision. You're desperate. You went through a lot just for this moment. It was a painstaking amount of years just for this moment.
"We brought you to the hospital yesterday morning and your mom picked you up by night. How are you now?"
My mom came back? Then you realized upon listening to your surroundings that there's really someone home right now. "I just woke up. I'll go to you after this. I can't promise you that, though. Sorry." You dropped the call before he could respond.
"Oh, you're finally awake. It's late afternoon now. I tried waking you up earlier but you're unmoved and groaning. Are you fine now?" Your mother is in the kitchen cooking something. "Doctors said you need to tone down your stress from hereon. Have you been drinking your meds?"
"I am and I'm more than fine now." Much to your surprise, she seems to be in an awfully good mood. "Where have you been?"
"Sorry for what I said over the phone last time. Things have been stressing me a lot."
"I don't mind," You lied. You're still very bothered about it. "But where have you been?"
"Just going from one place after the other. I actually came across Isabel when she's on a hike."
"Hike? You went on a hike?"
"I tried on some woods nearby." She laughed. "I'm done cooking. Let's eat."
Your mother never ate with you at the table so the gesture filled you with warmth. "Let me help you." You said then proceeded to get the utensils. However, your mother flinched when your skins briefly came in contact. It slapped your consciousness with cold water.
"Sorry." You both said in unison. Then it went silent.
"Let's eat then." She said and so you nodded awkwardly.
It was the same one she cooked for you back then. As you realized how empty your stomach is, you really took your time eating. After a while, she spoke again. "Erwin Smith, that young man. How is he?"
"Erwin? You met him?"
"Back at the hospital. It was actually him who called me through Levi's number." She pondered for a while, "I was completely alarmed hearing that you were confined, let alone from someone I haven't met yet so I quickly ran over." So if it wasn't Erwin who talked to you, you wouldn't come? "He seems to take care of you a lot. And he's sharp, too." Then started chuckling.
"Sharp…?"
"He's really hesitant in handing you over to me." Her tone changed then and even though you couldn't recall her speaking in such a tone in the limited time she had spent with you, you got completely unnerved. Your senses spiked and you had to look all over the room to calm yourself down. "He's got quite the audacity." She added in a whisper, then your eyes landed on the kitchen counter. You silently dropped the spoon on the bowl.
Run. Now.
You realized it and yet you can't move. The tremble in your limbs isn't the reason you can't run, it was rather you actively trying to stop yourself from doing so.
That might be one thing in relationships you have pondered before when you wrote about it. Despite walking in the darkness with floors that felt like broken eggshells, the grey area—perhaps perceived as a glimpse of little light from a tiny little hole—is what's holding you back from leaving her entirely. The once-in-a-lifetime touch of her gentle palm on your head, the weeping you've heard as she's trying to overcome her own demons; you just can't leave her even if those two moments were the tiniest ones. It was never easy because her mistreatment had little sprinkles of love, and it doesn't matter how fake that affection was, all you know is that you were yearning for it.
That's why even if you know what's on this soup, you still want to relish how warm it is.
"Now that you saw him, do you remember it now?" She prompted.
Your stomach churned, "Remember what?"
"Come on now. We've got the same blood running inside us." Her voice is flat, very much contrary to how she smiled earlier. "You can't savor it on your own."
You started trembling, "What do you know about it?"
"Just dreamt of it, the conversation between you and that old man inside that… what was it? A line? Anyway, I just got aware that it was your doing. The things in this world. The conditions set upon it." You don't even remember that conversation but your thoughts were cut off when she changed her stance. She let out a sigh as if to contain the bottling anger inside. "And the fact that you're in this world is the reason why I, a person tied to you by blood, is subjected to endless suffering. I've been waiting for this moment. For you to remember what you've done. It's just that it's never linear, you know? I don't want to be consumed by desperation, that's why I tried my hardest to treat you well."
You released a ragged breath, "Mom, I don't–" Of all things, why would the conversation between you and Wahren be the thing that you haven't recalled? "I don't remember. This isn't what I intended to create when I–"
"Oh, you don't? Why?" She spat out but your lack of response just made her sigh. "Should I make you remember, then? Finish that soup first."
You gulped down. Run, your mind screamed again. But she cooked it for me, you tried to bargain. And you know what's in it, your mind answered. When she repeated the order in a low voice, your body acted on it.
You took a gulp from the bowl. "More." A big gulp again. "Faster."
You sighed. Just how many has she put in here? You're getting dizzy already. After taking half of the bowl, you stopped. "Please just tell me what you recalled in that talk so we could sort it out." You weakly said.
"If you went on pushing through what you really had planned for then this wouldn't happen. If you just–" She gritted her teeth. "–weren't born in the first place, I would be with my son instead!" Being utterly clueless yet trembling in guilt, you shakily stood up. "It's that man's fault. If he just—" She finally huffed a cry. "I'm so tired. I don't want to do this as well, you know? But I hate this world. I loathe it. And having to see those conversations, picking up the clues, and realizing you're the reason this happened—just right after I tried to get along with you again,"
"Is that why my brother never got to be born?" The realization daunted you. You're the reason he's gone again. "Is there a way I could change it?"
"I had that power too, right? Because we have the same blood. But I'd be gone in every existing world if I used it." She wiped the tears this time around. "It's late afternoon right now. If you're the one to actually die and set conditions on it, that might work, right?"
"I think I already used it given that this world's already created." You muttered weakly. "And I really don't know why my existence didn't vanish."
When she banged the dining table with both hands, the matter Levi previously brought up resonated in you. Right, how could I forget this? You asked, and it took you merely a second to answer. Even at this moment, you'll choose to erase it in your brain if you could. Again and again.
She screamed, gripped her hair hard, slid everything off the table, and had the bowl and utensils clang on the floor. "Then just die and try it! You're here after all! You're the only one in the same blood! You're the only one who could!"
"Well, we don't have the time to fret now. Let's just pay for it once we're dead." You said and brought your composure back. In a poignant voice, you continued. "If the church bastards were right and hell exists, I just hope it's worse than this world. That way the guilt could be quenched."
"As if you'd go to hell," Erwin remarked.
This is ridiculous for you. How could you recall something as trivial as this yet have no clue about the conversation your mom is getting berserk at?
She stood up, went to the kitchen, grabbed the knife, and pointed it at you. "What are you smiling for? Are you making fun of me right now?"
You finally realized what's about to happen. You gripped the chair to minimize the tremble. "Mom, you should run away from the house after this so no one would suspect you." You leaned on the wall to keep on standing. "I'll make it look like I did it myself." However, your mother wasn't able to hear you anymore. With another scream, she finally went to you and pierced the knife in.
The floor composed of broken eggshells finally shattered. The glimpse of little light from the tiny hole died down. You know how cracked ribs, a battered body, and sword slashes felt. You're certain they would be more painful than everything else, but this one transcended everything with ease.
"Oh no, what have I done!" She withdrew her hands with a shriek.
But then again, perhaps it wasn't just a physical thing. It's the regret and guilt. You miss your brother too and if he indeed died for you to be born, you won't be able to take your existence here. This is not what you intended to happen. This might be what Wahren meant when the bearer must cease to exist, but you never thought it'd be this harsh.
You looked at her with lidded eyes. "Go out now. Don't let anyone see you."
"No, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to–"
"Get out!" You shouted and finally limped down on the floor. "I'll call Levi to make it look like I'm–" You're getting delirious already, eyes having kaleidoscope fragments floating around, all about that world. "So it'd look like I did it myself. Get out now. I'll see to it that your wish is granted."
"No, I'm so sorry. This is the reason why I don't want to be near you!" She cried as she tried to wipe the blood down. "–because I get this wicked. I'm so sorry. I didn't want this to happen."
"I never wished to be born. In that world and this one. You shouldn't have given birth to me." You muttered dully. You never talked to your mother in this tone. It was all about speaking gently so she won't leave. "I never wanted to become your child as well. I don't want to be related to a murderer who ruined our lives because of some woman's lie. My brother's life is more important than mine, even until now!" You cried. "If I knew he wouldn't be able to live in this world, I would never even go for this! I don't even remember what I did! Now get out and let me grant that wish for myself!" You swatted her away and used the last bits of your consciousness to call Levi and mutter an apology. By that time, you weren't able to tell if you were successful in doing so. The last thing you've felt was an old hand resting on top of your head. It was Wahren's, then you heard him whisper you to watch it.
And there it goes, your eyes became a mere television screen flashing scenes.
After Kuchel got aware that you were home with your mom, she sternly demanded Levi to pick you up instantly. And oh, how Levi loathed whenever Kuchel gets right with her hunches.
Horror crept up his spine upon banging the entrance open and seeing your figure. You were a bloody mess. Pills are scattered on the kitchen counter. She didn't just stab you, she made you drowsy as well so you won't be able to fight back. That's why you still had the time to call him with an almost incoherent voice to say you're sorry and you did it yourself. He rushed to you at first to assess your injuries, then he saw your mother crying on the corner as she muttered the name she gave to your brother. She was holding a knife shakily in her hands.
He grabbed her in the neck and slid her up on the wall, "You don't need to bother. I'll take the pleasure of killing you. I should've done so before."
"Yes, just kill me! I'd rather die!" She shrieked. "I didn't mean it. I just want this to end. Her father left us already and I'll be stuck on her forever, and I can't take that so I wanted the circumstances to change! And she has–" She choked as Levi's fingers pressed on her harder. "And she has to be gone for that!"
"Then you should've just followed what my mother said before! You should've just made her pack her things and bring herself to us and we'll make sure you won't see her again!" He glowered. "My mother was so patient with you, understood the screws you have lost in your shitty head, and made sure that the child you threw away will be kept safe nonetheless. You made my mother so caught up in taking care of your crap only to be like this?"
"And that's what I planned! Tell her I'm sorry but when that man–"
"Does it feel better doing it this way? How did you feel when you stabbed her? Was the smell of her blood exhilarating to you? Was the sight of her losing consciousness able to bring your fucking son back to life?"
Just as before your mother lose herself in Levi's grip, the screaming Isabel rushed to him. Levi was so sure to kill her then and there but due to them storming in and Isabel wailing like that, he ended up dropping your mother to the ground instead. Isabel assured him the police are on their way and so your mother gathered her last-minute resort by reaching for the knife again. Levi kicked her face to stop her and the knife was thrown away along with her consciousness.
The commotion subsided after authorities arrived. Isabel and Furlan came with you and Levi settled inside his car to follow through the police. There, he realized that as much as he loathed being messy, the sight, the smell, and the awful feeling it exudes felt unnervingly familiar. It's as if he's gone through it before.
He blankly dialed Erwin's number and when he answered, he said. "I finally understood when you told me the nightmares felt completely real. The stench of blood smells awful and sticky but somehow I feel so used to it. What do you think is up with that, smartass?"
Erwin was completely alarmed with that, "What's happening, Levi?"
"I never killed a person in cold blood and I never even thought of it but I was dead set on murdering her tonight." He dryly remarked, rubbing his index and thumb fingers together and feeling the roughness of the now dried-up blood. "But I doubt myself now. I really was set on making her die as if I was made for that job. I manhandled her so well as if I'd been doing it my whole life. Why is that? Do you know why?"
"I won't know the answer if you keep on uttering crap." Erwin scowled. "Tell me what happened."
"Your girl was stabbed by her mother. She's being rushed to the hospital as we speak." Erwin then stopped in his tracks. Suddenly, the night he told you that you won't see each other die in this world rang inside his head. Is this not the case? Is this one of the debts I have to pay for as well? Levi realized Erwin's silence and so he added, "She called me to relay some sort of message to you. Figured she sounded weird and intoxicated. Recorded the call in case things really aren't good. Called the two and the authorities afterward. You have no idea how bad I loathed that I was right. By the time I arrived she was already a bloody mess—still breathing though, in case that would make it lighter." Levi then told the hospital you're about to be brought by now.
"What did she say?"
"That damned idiot tried to frame herself as the one who did it. She said that she chose to see shit herself and that she finally realized she wasn't supposed to exist again, but you don't have to feel guilty about that. What the fuck is up with that?"
"Where are you right now?"
"I feel like killing someone right now, Erwin. Never thought I was apparently a bloodlust bastard." Levi ignored the question. "Should I kill her? Tell me. One of your drunk jokes is that I used to kill people under your orders. Drop a command now."
"You'll be ruined if you do, Levi."
"You're smart enough to cover it up. I actually think I can do that myself. Ideas keep on popping out, you know?"
"Stop. You're not a thug here, not even a soldier. If you want me to drop an order then that's to keep yourself down."
"Because it's true, Erwin. I used to brush this away but all the things you've told me about myself are all correct. It seems like I'm exactly who that man was. If someone cuts blood on my people they're not getting out alive. She's definitely not a giant and much easier to deal with. Win-win situation, don't you think?"
Erwin released a sigh, "I'll meet you in the hospital. Don't do anything until I get there."
"You better make it fast, Erwin." Levi stared deadly at the silhouette of your mother from the tinted back window of the police car. "My eyes just keep on getting darker and darker. At this point, I would be able to kill this thing with bare hands." He tapped his fingers faster and faster on the steering wheel after noticing how restless he was getting. "And if she ends up dying I don't think I could wait for your orders."
Much to his Levi's bother, he heard Erwin sneer on the phone. "As if I would let you. If she ends up dying I'll be the one to do the killing. My debts are damned in hell with me." Erwin added and started the car.
The screen glitched then. After a blink, you're inside the Parallel. Wahren was holding on to your head and he withdrew it gently as soon as you got aware.
You gasp, "I have so many questions but please don't make them kill her!" You started and didn't even mind introducing yourself.
"I'm afraid I'm not the one in control of that. This is the second time we're meeting after all and we've got another matter at hand."
"Why didn't you make me remember the first one? This is not what I intended to do! Did you manipulate me?"
"I didn't. You chose it yourself."
"To continue my existence in exchange for my brother's? To have those two become potential murderers? I would never choose that!"
"You weren't aware your brother would cease to exist with the choice you've made, as well as what those two are about to do if things get to worst. But again, it's not time to fret. You ought to do something more important right now."
"What's more important than that!" You released a frustrated sigh, "Why didn't I remember something so important?"
"Because it is part of the process you ought to embark with your choice. To recall the first conversation, you indeed intended for that world in exchange of your existence. We even talked about that man who had a resolute will to remember himself being an Eldian. We knew that he'd have a terrible life because someone who ends up remembering the former world will be subjected to suffering, as well as the people tied to him by blood."
"Then why did I let that happen?" You cried. You're also about to ask why the same conditions were subjected to you instead, but Erwin's more important.
"Even if you still actively decided to preserve everyone's will instead of going for a selfish request, you cried how bad you want that man to outlive his fate and see what you've seen." He calmly answered. "I took pity of it and thereby imposed a proposition. You agreed, and so this is not the time to fret about that world. You have more urgent things to do."
And even before you could bombard him with further inquiries, the surroundings snapped into darkness. You felt a cloth drape over you and when you shot your eyes open again, you're in a completely different place again. You jerked up on your seat.
"What?" Erwin muttered in surprise as well. You're inside his office. He's wearing his green trench coat. He's holding a blanket to wrap you up. "I apologize. When I came back you're already sleeping. I figured you might be tired that's why I didn't bother waking you up."
You looked all over your surroundings again and when you felt how warm your table was, you let out a shaky gasp. You raised your hands and clasped it into a fist, unclasped it, and clasped it again. You shifted your eyes on him, then to the window which entailed the sun setting down, then to the whole office. Nothing plastered your face but sheer horror.
"I understand how heavy today's paperwork was. I'll dismiss you now." He said apologetically.
All this time, the nightmares only granted you five senses but another persona was doing all the action instead. But now, you are in your full form. You're the one who's actually in control of your body, no one to do the acting and thinking but you. It's not an extremely vivid recollection of events, it is your present.
"What day is it?"
Erwin curled his eyebrows in confusion, "Are you okay?"
"I'm not okay. I forgot the date today." You blurted out with wide eyes.
He uncurled his eyebrows, blinked a few times, pursed his lip tight, then raised a hand up. "What number is this?" He said instead of answering your question.
You were dumbed then, unsure if it's because you actually don't know the answer or if this man is messing around. You figured it was the latter. "Are you joking?"
"I am." He flatly replied. "But do you actually not know what numb–"
"Three!" You blurted out in a flush. Erwin then nodded but the subtle curl on his lip won't go unnoticed by you. "Oh god, please just tell me what's the date today." You added in shame.
So he did, and you quickly let your hands up to count. Upon realizing that it's been just a week after Historia's coronation, you gasped again.
"Now, I'm starting to feel guilty I let you work today," Erwin said as he folded the blanket into two. "Go to the mess hall and eat."
"Don't worry. I just had soup."
He stopped in confusion again, "You did not."
"Oh, right." You almost hit your head to bring yourself back. "It must've been a dream."
Erwin wasn't able to hold back the chuckle in consideration for your confusion. "Very well, then. Let's get you some soup. Stand up."
"What? Where?" You followed suit on his back when he started walking.
"In case you're still not back from your confusion, we don't have soup for this week's rations. Let's have one at the nearby restaurant instead. I'm intending to have my dinner early after all."
"Are you sure? Is it fine?" Much to your disorientation, you knew by memory that Erwin was setting a distance from you during this period.
"Unless you prefer to have it alone, which I don't mind." He clarified. "I just feel bad for piling you up with work to the point of disconcertment."
"I don't mind." You immediately answered. "Please come with me. I might get lost along the way." You heard him stifle a laugh to spare you of his teasing.
And so countless realizations rose up in your mind. You were on a rollercoaster of emotions moments ago— from the trembling guilt, to the fear about what the two might end up doing in your world, and then this one. As strange as it could be, what you're feeling right now is extreme happiness. You're being reminded of all the "What could've been?" sentiments you've gone through after Erwin had died. Now that he's alive again in front of you and those "could've been" are replaced with "should be", your heart was filled with joy.
To confirm it, you reached your hand to tug on his coat. Erwin stopped in his tracks then turned to you, "Why?"
You were frozen for a while, then ended up flashing him a sheepish smile. "I think I came back from my confusion."
He's the one taken aback this time around. "I haven't seen you smile like that for ages. I don't think you're back yet."
"Oh, really?" You tried to get in character then but for some reason, you can't remove the beam in your face. "But I'm back, really."
"That so?" He pondered for a while. "Then do you prefer to go alone now?"
"No." You quickly answered. "Please come with me."
"Because you might get lost along the way…?" He gauged carefully.
You shot him a grin. "No. Just please come with me. I can't believe you'd interrogate me about something so trivial."
Despite the peculiarity, Erwin wasn't able to hide his smile. "And you don't need to plead for it."