Once again, the Ghosts have done something with the disclaimer telling you that I don't own Ghosts characters. Just more madness from my tiny mind on the sorts of guests Sam and Jay get.
Weekend With The Wintons.
"Good news," Sam told the ghosts in the living room. "We're getting some more guests this weekend!"
"Well, that's lovely," Nigel remarked. He was there as well having one of his visits with Isaac.
"So, what kind of commoners are going to tromp through my home this week?" Hetty sighed.
"Bill and Mary Winton are going to stay with us for this weekend," Sam explained. "They're a couple from Worcester, Massachusetts."
"Oh Goody," Isaac remarked. "Just what we need. People from that colony. I mean they're nice people but…"
"I understand completely," Nigel added. "I mean we are talking about the colony that practically invented the whole American Revolution. Out of all the colonies they were the most argumentative of the lot. In hindsight we probably just should have let them go and kept the rest of the colonies. Would have saved us all so much trouble."
"Excuse me Nigel," Isaac coughed. "While I admit Massachusetts played a small but important role in the Revolution, I wouldn't say they invented it."
"I'm sorry," Nigel looked at Isaac. "Have you forgotten about this little thing called the Boston Tea Party? Where those drunkards literally threw perfectly good tea into the harbor?"
"Not too thrilled about them dressing up like Native Americans," Sasappis admitted.
"Like that would have fooled anybody," Nigel added. "Also, the complete and utter fiasco that was the Boston Massacre? Where they goaded those poor innocent soldiers into defending themselves and nearly killed them?"
"Well…" Isaac began.
"Have you forgotten about all the protests? The riots? The blatant disregard of the King's Law that started in that colony?" Nigel added. "The tarring and feathering of innocent British subjects? The Battles of Lexington and Concord? AKA the Shot Heard Round the World? Remember that?"
"To be fair," Pete spoke up. "That last one is kind of a big one."
"Gotta give Nigel this one Isaac," Alberta admitted.
"Okay so the colonists in Massachusetts may have been a bit rowdy…" Isaac kept on.
"They stole cannons for crying out loud!" Nigel snapped. "Cannons! If it wasn't for those rabblerousers the rest of the colonies wouldn't have complained at all and fallen in line!"
"Oh, now wait a minute…" Isaac began.
"I think we're diverting from the topic at hand," Sam spoke up. "It's important that you all be on your best behavior. They'll be arriving in a few hours. And we really need some good reviews."
"Of course, Samantha," Isaac calmed down. "We will be on our best behavior."
"Yeah, it's not like we're from Massachusetts," Sasappis added.
"I know you're saying that on purpose to goad me!" Isaac snapped.
Trevor blinked. "So they really stole cannons? As in actual working cannons?"
"Yes," Nigel sighed.
Thorfinn chuckled. "Thorfinn admits. That's funny!"
"Oh, shut up!" Isaac snapped.
Later that afternoon…
"LANDSHIP! LANDSHIP!" Thorfinn called out to the other ghosts.
"Must you bellow like that?" Hetty winced as the house ghosts hung out in the foyer. Nigel had returned to the shed.
"Excuse me, have you just met Thorfinn?" Sasappis asked.
"Right," Hetty sighed. "Stupid question."
Jay opened the door revealing a middle-aged couple. "Welcome to the Woodstone B&B!" Sam and Jay said cheerfully.
"Hello," The woman said. "I'm Mary and this is my husband, Bill. Mister I Know Where I'm Going And Don't Need to Read a Map. That's why we're late."
"We got here, didn't we?" Bill looked at her as they brought their luggage in. "And I wasn't lost. I was slightly misdirected by the detour!"
"And by detour he means he was looking for a road that wasn't there," Mary remarked. "Could you have picked a more out of the way place for us to spend the weekend?"
"I wanted to make sure if I murdered you no one would hear the screams!" Bill snapped.
"Please," Mary snapped. "You can't even take out a spider in the bathroom without sounding like an eight-year-old girl. And acting like one!"
"I could if I was drunk enough!" Bill shouted.
"You're suggesting you can be even drunker than usual?" Mary asked. "That's a high bar to pass."
"I know it will be difficult for me to top what happened last Thanksgiving," Bill asked. "When you tried cooking the turkey in a vat of wine!"
"It was a new recipe I was trying," Mary glared at him.
"From where?" Bill asked. "Drunken Housewife Weekly?"
"How come they don't have to be on their best behavior?" Thorfinn asked.
"Uh would you like a complimentary cocktail?" Sam offered.
"YES!" Both Bill and Mary said at once. They practically gulped down the drinks Jay offered them.
"This is really good," Bill drank the whole thing. "You should give my wife the recipe. Assuming she knows how to read one."
Mary was still drinking hers. "Bill you should try actually tasting your drink instead of gulping it down like it's the last drop of alcohol on Earth."
"I'm enjoying my drink," Bill told her. "It was delicious. So many wonderful flavors."
"I'm amazed you can discern any taste at all," Mary finished her drink. "Considering your taste buds have the sensitivity of a rock."
"Oh, I wish I had a rock right now," Bill glared at her.
"So, what do you do for a living?" Sam asked.
"We're both relationship counselors," Mary explained.
"That explains a lot," Trevor rolled his eyes.
"Why couples' counseling is a total sham Reason Number 12," Pete grumbled.
"Would you like to see your room?" Sam asked.
"Sure," Bill remarked. "Does it come with a noose? I'm asking for a friend."
"Careful what you wish for," Mary glared at him. "One of these days I'm not going to be here."
"Which day is that?" Bill asked. "Please tell me so I can put it on my calendar! I might petition the government to make it a national holiday!"
"This is gonna be a fun weekend," Alberta snickered as the couple followed Sam upstairs.
"Definitely a lot of drama," Sasappis agreed.
"Yeah, who needs a reality show when we got this on our doorstep?" Trevor added.
"I wish I could say I was surprised but…" Isaac paused. "Gadzooks now I'm starting to agree with Nigel!"
"Wow," Pete remarked. "I thought the fights I had with Carol were bad. But whoo! Those two…"
"So, these people advise other people about their relationship problems?" Hetty asked. "Peter, I understand why you're so skeptical about the practice."
Flower realized something. "I could be a relationship counselor!"
"As frightening as that is," Hetty remarked. "That's probably true."
The following morning after breakfast…
"Look I'm not saying this place isn't nice and the food isn't great," Bill snapped at Mary in their room. "But why did you have to drag me all the way up to a place where there's literally nothing?"
"First of all," Mary glared at him. "Coming to this particular bed and breakfast was your idea!"
"No, I only chose this bed and breakfast because you wouldn't stop nagging me until I did so!" Bill snapped. "So I picked the most remote place I could find to shut you up! You're the one who wanted us to get away from it all!"
"For us to recharge and to get away from our damn lives!" Mary shouted back.
"Well, there's no life out here so…" Bill threw up his hands. "Mission accomplished!"
"We could go for a nice walk," Mary asked.
"Since when do you walk anywhere there isn't a sale going on?" Bill asked.
"It's called getting back to nature!" Mary shouted.
"What do you know about nature?" Bill shouted back. "The closest thing you've ever come to nature was the flower display at the mall!"
"At least I get out of the house Bill," Mary shouted. "Instead of flopping down on the couch and watching TV so long your butt is glued to the cushions!"
"That only happened once and you know it!" Bill shouted back.
Trevor and Flower walked out of the walls into the hallway. "Oy I can't take it anymore," Trevor groaned. "This brings up a lot of bad memories with some of my relatives."
"Too much negativity, man," Flower agreed as they went downstairs.
"And this isn't even the kind of fight where you can have angry sex or makeup sex," Trevor added. "I've seen this before. This is the type of fighting that replaces sex! And that's bad!"
"Real bad," Flower nodded. "I saw this on the cult once. One of the wives from one group was sleeping with one of the husbands from another group. And then both groups started fighting each other…It got messy. Especially since that was the day both groups were assigned kitchen duty. Should not have put those people anywhere near knives."
"I can't believe you're still going on about this!" Nigel was heard in another room.
"ME?" Isaac was heard shouting. "You're the one who keeps going on and on about this!"
"Great," Trevor groaned. "We leave one fight and walk right into another. Let's try to sneak away."
"Good idea," Flower nodded.
They turned to go only for Isaac and Nigel to emerge. "You two! Wait! We want you to settle this!"
"Ugh so close," Trevor groaned before they turned around. "What are you two yentas kvetching about now?"
"Isaac still won't let his petty grudge over the Stamp Act go," Nigel told him.
"And Nigel refuses to see the injustice of the whole affair!" Isaac glared at him.
"Not the stupid Stamp Act again," Trevor groaned. "That's not only water under the bridge, the water passed and the river dried up. Then the bridge caught on fire and collapsed so they built another bridge! And then they opened up the dam so new water could pass under the bridge."
"Yeah, just let it go," Flower told them. "Why are you guys fighting over your differences? You two should be bonding over things you both like."
"Yeah, you both hate Hamilton," Trevor pointed out. "You like hating him!"
"Admittedly I don't hate him as much as Isaac," Nigel admitted. "He was an annoyance I admit."
"Annoyance?" Isaac snapped. "Hamilton was an argumentative know it all who always had to be right and have his own way!"
Trevor deadpanned. "Gee I wonder what that's like?"
"Nigel there must be somebody you found annoying on your side," Flower suggested.
"Well to be honest," Nigel paused. "If I had to pick someone…Normally I wouldn't malign another officer. But…There was this one general who wasn't as good as he thought he was. General Charles Cornwallis. He was rather difficult to get along with."
"You mean the guy who surrendered at Yorktown?" Trevor asked. "And lost the American Revolution?"
"What was that?" Nigel did a double take.
"Yeah, that was the last major battle of the American Revolution," Flower perked up. "I remember watching a film strip about that in history class. Mostly because I was eating candy. Our teacher let us eat candy in class. He was fun."
"Excuse me but it was Cornwallis who lost the war for us?" Nigel fumed.
"Technically there were a few more skirmishes after that but yeah," Flower nodded. "He surrendered to George Washington in 1781! I remember that date because that was Jimmy Barnes' locker number. Jimmy had some of the best candy he sold to the kids. I helped him with sales!"
"And another informative nugget of Flower's backstory is dropped," Isaac remarked. "But let's get back to Cornwallis."
"Yes, let's get back to the stuck-up blighter who swore he could handle the rebels singlehandedly!" Nigel fumed. "I should have known it was him who made a mess out of everything! No wonder we lost the war! He always was a braggart!"
"So, he was the worst person on your side?" Flower asked.
"Close. He was almost as annoying as this schoolmate of mine," Nigel remarked. "William Pitt. We called him William Pitt the Younger. As well as a few other words that rhymed with Pitt. He thought he was so fabulous just because his father was once Prime Minister."
"Wait, as in William Pitt the Younger who became Prime Minister?" Trevor did a double take.
"HE WHAT?" Nigel screamed.
"How do you know that?" Isaac asked.
"I saw a couple Black Adder TV episodes in college on one of those cable channels," Trevor admitted. "I was dating a chick who was into British comedy. Turns out Rowan Atkinson is really funny!"
"Pitt the Younger became Prime Minister?" Nigel screamed. "PITT THE YOUNGER? THAT OINK?"
"What did he do that was so bad?" Flower asked.
"Yes Nigel," Isaac brightened. "Tell me. In great detail."
"Well in school he would eat all the pie fillings and leave the crust for everyone else," Nigel told him. "He thought he was so smart. Always preaching about honesty and integrity. Then blabbing to the Headmaster about every little infraction first chance he got!"
"Really?" Isaac grinned.
"He got worse after school. That man could drink a sailor under the table," Nigel added. "He drank more port wine than all the House of Lords combined! And I don't need to tell you, that's quite an achievement!"
"You tell me everything Nigel," Isaac steered him away into another room. "Everything!"
"I swear with people like Pitt in charge it's a miracle we still have an empire at all!" Nigel fumed.
Soon Trevor and Flower were alone. "I'm a good relationship counselor," Flower grinned.
Later on in the kitchen…
"At least the Wintons liked the food," Sam helped Jay finish the dishes. "And the drinks."
"That's the only good thing they've said this whole trip! They fought half the night," Jay groaned. "This is not what I pictured when we decided to run a bed and breakfast. We really need to invest in soundproof walls."
"Please tell me we'll never be like that," Sam looked at Jay. "I mean we have fights but…"
"Yeah, no…" Jay told her. "Nothing like that!"
"I mean I know I'd never want to murder you," Sam told him.
"Of course not," Jay said. "Because you'd know I'd become a ghost and haunt you."
"Now you're just saying that to cheer me up," Sam sighed as she hugged him. "That is a comforting thought."
"Coffee…" Hetty staggered into the kitchen. "I need to smell coffee. Or brandy. Or anything really."
"Hetty just came in," Sam told Jay as she pulled away. "How's it going Hetty?"
"I wish the Wintons were going," Hetty told her. "Far far away!" She sniffed the coffee machine. "Oh yes…That's the good stuff. I've known Irishmen that weren't as quarrelsome as those two. Speaking of which is there…?" She pointed to the coffee machine.
"Yes, there's some alcohol in there," Sam told her. "They requested Irish Coffee and we gave it to them to make them happy. It worked. For a minute."
"Those two are unbelievable," Hetty moaned. "They're walking around in the woods frightening the bears. I mean I'm no stranger to quarrels being married myself and being around my relatives. But this…These people barely take a break! And I need one!"
"WAS THAT SO HARD?" Mary was heard yelling outside.
"YES, IT WAS!" Bill shouted. "MY LEGS ARE KILLING ME!"
"IF ONLY THAT WAS LITERAL INSTEAD OF FIGURATIVE!" Mary shouted back. "MY GOD BILL! YOU ONLY WALKED LESS THAN 45 MINUTES ON A TRAIL IN THE WOODS! THE WAY YOU'RE ACTING YOU WOULD THINK YOU JUST CLIMBED MOUNT EVEREST IN A SNOWSTORM!"
"Which I am not going to get," Hetty groaned. "God, I hate this hotel business…"
"THIS BACK TO NATURE STUFF IS COMPLETELY AND UTTERLY USELESS!" Bill shouted.
"IT'S TEXTBOOK BILL!" Mary shouted. "YOU'D KNOW THAT IF YOU EVER READ ONE!"
"TEXTBOOK STUPIDITY!" Bill shouted back.
Sasappis, Alberta, Flower, Pete, Trevor and Thorfinn walked through the walls. "Those two…Wow…" Pete blinked. "Just…Wow!"
"You know I love a good fight between a married couple as much as the next person," Alberta said. "But this is too much even for me!"
"On the plus side I feel better about my marriage," Pete remarked. "True Carol was cheating on me left and right but at least our fights weren't this bad."
"WHY IS IT THAT YOU ARE SO INFLEXIBLE ABOUT TRYING SOMETHING NEW?" Mary shouted.
"ONLY WHEN THE NEW THING IS COMPLETELY STUPID!" Bill shouted back.
"DO NOT CALL MY METHODS STUPID!" Mary shouted.
"STUPID! STUPID!" Bill shouted. "STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!"
"Are they still at it?" Nigel asked as he and Isaac walked in.
"Yuup," Alberta sighed.
"God what kind of couple does nothing but fight over every little thing?" Isaac remarked.
"I know," Nigel nodded. "It's very annoying."
"It is, isn't it?" Isaac agreed. "Some people need to learn to let things go."
"Indeed," Nigel agreed.
All the other ghosts and Sam looked at them. "What?" Isaac asked.
"GO TO HELL BILL!" Mary shouted.
"I'M ALREADY THERE MARY!" Bill shouted back.
"I'm going back to the shed," Nigel remarked. "The nice, peaceful quiet shed…"
"I'll join you," Isaac followed him as they walked through the door.
Later that afternoon…
"So, this is what you're going to do all day?" Mary snapped at Bill as he watched TV in the living room. "Watch television?"
"That was the plan, yes," Bill gave her a look. "Which was my plan before you decided to drag me out to the middle of nowhere!"
"I did that so we could relax!" Mary shouted.
"This is me relaxing!" Bill shouted. "Why don't you relax that mouth of yours?"
The ghosts were watching in the room. "Oh, this is just brutal," Hetty winced.
"How about I relax by imagining your death?" Mary shouted. "The way you eat those fatty foods, I estimate you'll be killed by cholesterol pretty soon!"
Bill shoved some Cheetos into his mouth. "HEART ATTACK TAKE ME AWAY!"
"I wish they would go away," Alberta winced.
"Trevor, are you crying?" Pete asked.
"I can't help it," Trevor sniffed. "This is just like Purim at my grandmother's house."
"Can you at least not be a slob?" Mary shouted. "We're in someone else's home. Not your dingy little basement!"
"What are you trying to do?" Bill asked. "Nag me to death?"
"That's just what my Uncle Max used to say to my grandmother," Trevor sniffed.
"Thorfinn once saw fight between husband and wife with swords," Thorfinn grumbled. "Not as brutal as this!"
"Oh, if only that was a thing," Mary remarked. "I've been planning your funeral for years!"
"Oh, you actually spent time on someone else instead of yourself?" Bill asked. "That's a shock! Let me guess, you're planning a trip you're going to spend with my money?"
"I make more money than you!" Mary shouted. "And if I didn't do anything around here, nothing would get done!"
"My grandma used to say that too," Trevor was very upset.
"Why do I have to be the one to drag you kicking and screaming into anything?" Mary shouted.
"My grandma said that to my Uncle Max," Trevor's eyes widened and his lip quivered. "Repeatedly. He had motivation problems. The problem was he was never motivated."
"You wouldn't last a year without me, mister!" Mary snapped. "You think all our bills and everything magically gets done?"
"I wish you would magically disappear," Bill grumbled.
"Keep wishing," Mary snapped. "I might pull a Gone Girl someday!"
"More like a You Never Leave Woman!" Bill shouted as he stood up and faced his wife. "Now are you done? Or can I watch the game in peace for a change?"
"You know what would be a nice change?" Mary shouted. "You acting like a man for once instead of a sponge!"
"I MISS MY BUBBIE!" Trevor wailed. Alberta patted him on the back and hugged him.
"They made Trevor cry," Thorfinn winced. "This is bad."
"Yeah," Sasappis winced. "Trevor is not a good cryer."
"I can't take these bad vibes anymore," Flower frowned. "Time to be a good relationship counselor!"
"Flower," Pete did a double take. "What are you doing? FLOWER? NO! NO!"
Flower stormed through both couples. "OW!" Flower winced. "I keep forgetting how much that hurts!"
Mary and Bill were stunned. "Woah…" Bill blinked. "Were you saying something?"
"I don't think I was saying something," Mary blinked. "Were you saying something?"
"I wasn't saying something…" Bill remarked. "Ooh…I just wanna…sit down and relaaaaaaaaaaaaaxx." He did so.
"Oooh!" Mary noticed something. "Cheetos!" She sat down and began eating them.
"Cheetos!" Bill gasped. He started eating them too. "Funny word. Chee-tooes!"
"Like you're eating chee on toes…" Mary giggled. They both started laughing hysterically.
"Wow they are stoned," Sasappis blinked.
Sam walked in. "How is…everything?"
Both Bill and Mary were laughing. "We're good…" Bill giggled. "Good! Good, Good…"
"Ooh! More Cheee-toeessss!" Mary spoke with her mouth full.
"Yes! More Cheetos!" Bill added.
"I will get you more Cheetos," Sam blinked. She gave the ghosts a look indicating she wanted to talk to them. The ghosts followed her. "What happened?"
"Flower, happened," Alberta explained.
"I'm an excellent relationship counselor," Flower grinned.
"Oh dear…" Sam winced. She noticed something. "Trevor, are you crying?"
"No," Trevor sucked his tears in. "I'm fine! Fine!"
"Their fighting reminded Trevor of his grandmother," Thorfinn explained. "And Uncle Max who was not very motivated."
"Can we please change the subject?" Trevor snapped.
"Okay what were we talking about?" Flower blinked.
Jay walked up to Sam. "How's it going?"
"Well…" Sam pointed.
Both Jay and Sam looked in to see Bill and Mary admiring their toes. "How do you get chee on toes?" Mary asked.
"I don't know…" Bill asked. "It must be…magic!"
Jay looked at Sam. "Flower?"
"Flower," Sam sighed.
"Honestly Sam," Jay sighed. "I'm relieved. I could use a few minutes of peace and quiet."
"So could I," Sam let out a breath. "And Trevor."
"SAM!" Trevor protested.
Two days later…
"Well, the Wintons are gone," Sam sighed.
"Good riddance," Hetty huffed.
"Sam, I don't know if I can handle more guests like the Wintons," Jay groaned as they relaxed in the living room. "I mean they did mellow out in the end…"
"That's because Flower got them three times," Sam sighed. "They looked a little out of it when they left."
"Honestly I was amazed they could drive the car at all," Alberta told the other ghosts in the room.
"Not very well," Pete winced. "The way they were weaving around…"
"It's over and they're gone," Trevor said. "That's the important thing."
"And they won't make you cry anymore," Sasappis mocked.
"I didn't cry!" Trevor protested. "That much. They just reminded me of my relatives. Just a little. Now that I think about it, they were a little nicer than some of my relatives."
"Seriously?" Alberta looked at him.
"Don't ask," Trevor sighed.
"Well, we got a good review at least," Jay said as he looked at the computer. "And we were paid."
"Not enough in my opinion," Hetty grumbled.
"What does the review say?" Sam asked.
"Woodstone Mansion is a charming out of the way bed and breakfast," Sam read. "Although hard to find we soon found ourselves falling under its magic spell. And great snacks. Snacks are good. Very good. And so are the toes. We like toes."
"I think I may have overdone it," Flower remarked.
"No? Really?" Isaac said sarcastically.
"We can't wait for our next vacation to come back…" Sam blinked. "For more Cheetos."
"They want to come back here?" Hetty gasped. "Oh God no!"
"Must be my excellent counseling," Flower grinned.
"If they were counseled any more, they'd have to go to rehab," Trevor remarked.