Welcome back! These chapters took a little longer to get up than I had intended because my brain has been overrun with plot bunnies lately.
Ch. 4 I Held My Hands, Never Knew How to Act
(CLARE)
Jake parks at school on our first day back, and I get out of the truck quickly. Our drive to school was silent and fairly awkward. He kept glancing at me, and I kept looking out the window, unwilling to look at him. I walk into school fast, ahead of Jake and straight to my locker. Adam greets me with a grin, we have the same homeroom, and we walk together. Neither Jenna nor Alli are in our homeroom, but both are in second period with us. Alli smiles and says hi, Jenna looks away from me, this is going to be an awkward year.
I eat lunch with Adam, Alli, Dave and K.C. in the caf. Jenna and Jake are nowhere to be seen. I do see Owen though; I glance at him and then glance away. When I leave the caf for the washroom I find Jenna and Jake. Eating lunch and flirting in the memorial garden for all of the school to see. I bite my lip, standing frozen for a moment, unsure of how I feel about them. I'm over Jake, but I don't know if I was ready to watch him flirt with one of my only two female friends. I turn on my heel and walk quickly to the girl's washroom at the other end of the school.
"You look like you're running from something," Bianca remarks when I come into the washroom.
"Guess I am," I reply, going into a stall.
I hear Bianca leave the washroom while I'm in the stall. I see her again in 3rd period broadcast and print production. She's sitting in the second row; I choose a seat in the same row but two seats over. Drew is the next one in class, and he looks at us both, gives Bianca an awkward grin and takes a seat in the back row. At least Bianca doesn't ask what I was running from while we're in class. Miss Dawes spends the whole class doing a presentation, which only gives me more time to think about Jake and Jenna flirting. Adam and Connor are my only friends in fourth period. Perino gives us a project right away, so I don't have time to think. Adam, Connor and I leave class together.
"I've got football practice," Connor says waving to us.
"I'm trying out for the radio station again, want to come?" Adam asks.
"I think I'll work on the paper again," I reply.
"Good luck with Katie," Adam says as we part.
"Clare, good to see you, I was starting to think I'd have no other good writers on staff this year," Katie says when I walk into the Degrassi Daily room. We haven't even started, and she already seems frantic. Adam may have been right about working with Katie. "Where is Drew? He said he'd be here," she kind of grumbles to herself.
"She's been saying that since I walked in here," Liam tells me.
"She probably thinks he's off flirting with Bianca or something," I reply in a low voice just as Drew comes in.
"I thought you were coming straight here after school Drew," Katie says. Before Drew can say anything, Katie grabs him and kisses him hard.
"I went to my locker and the washroom Katie, relax," he tells her when she releases his lips.
"Everyone sit," Katie orders as she links her arm with Drew and sits with him. "First edition comes out Friday morning, if you want to be a writer, I need a sample article submitted by tomorrow morning. Photographers do the same in a photo essay, some of you I know what you can do. Clare and Liam, I know what you can do, no need to write sample articles. Clare, I want you to write an article on student life at Degrassi. Liam, an article on the sports teams and the tryouts. Drew will take the pictures for both of you."
"Katie I never said I was going to be a photographer," Drew argues.
"Yes, you did," Katie retorts, "you promised we'd spend more time together and you'd be on the paper this year."
"No, I said I'd sit in on the meeting and take you home after," Drew replies.
Katie stands up and takes Drew's arm pulling him out into the hallway. When they don't return for ten minutes the meeting kind of breaks up on its own. Everyone gets up from their seats and either leaves, goes to a computer or gets a camera.
"Where is Katie?" Mr. Perino asks coming in. He's the supervising teacher for the paper this year.
"She and Drew went out to argue and haven't returned," I comment.
"They're either still fighting or making out somewhere," Liam adds.
"That's not a good way to start as editor for her senior year," Perino kind of groans. "Did everyone get assignments?" He asks and we all nod. "Alright, I'm going to lock the office, work on it at home or the resource center," Perino says.
Everyone gathers their stuff to leave and Perino locks the office when we're out. As editor Katie has her own key, so she can get her stuff if she returns. I don't really want to go home, so I walk to the Dot. I pass the football field on my way out and see Owen at football practice. It's very tempting to stay and watch him, but I really have no reason to stay for football practice. I get my article done for Katie in two hours, I'll read it over and edit tomorrow. When Mom texts asking where I am and says dinner will be ready in ten minutes I sigh and leave the café.
Dinner would be entirely silent, if not for Mom's incessant talking. She only pauses when she asks how everyone's day was. As soon as dinner is over, I disappear to my room to do my homework. When Jake turns on music in his room, I turn on music and put on headphones. I even wait for him to go to bed before I shower and use the washroom. School is going to be awkward; home is going to be awkward; I'm starting to wonder if anywhere isn't going to be awkward this year.
Tuesday is much the same as Monday, I finish my article and send it to Katie. I even go to newspaper after school, Drew doesn't come today, and Katie has a short temper. I leave early, Katie is busy snapping at a couple prospective reporters and doesn't notice me leaving. I walk home only to find Jake and Jenna laughing at flirting at our kitchen table.
"Oh, hey Clare, I invited Jenna over to do homework," Jake says shifting uncomfortably.
"Hi, Clare," Jenna says, giving me a tiny wave.
"I uh, I would have waited for you after school b…" Jake begins, and I cut him off.
"I had newspaper, I didn't need you to wait. I'm going to go do homework in my room." I'm up the stairs without saying hello to either of them.
I turn on music and drown them both out. Mom texts to say that she's going to be late and so is Glen so we're on our own for dinner. Thankfully, Jenna and Jake go out to dinner. I make a sandwich for dinner and eat in my room. Jake returns alone, not that I see him as I stay cloistered in my room all night.
Once again, Wednesday I return home to find Jake and Jenna together in the living room. I mumble a hi and go to my room. It's becoming the one place where I don't feel totally awkward and outcast. Except for Owen's room. I miss Owen's room, I miss Owen, but we haven't seen each other all week. I've seen him at school of course, but we have no classes together. He'll nod to me in the hallways, and I'll wave, but it's not like we stop and have conversations or flirt.
Thursday I'm hoping to not find Jake and Jenna at the house. It appears that my wish has been granted when I walk in, and they aren't at the kitchen table. I start to go up the stairs and my stomach sinks when I hear Jenna's giggle coming from Jake's room. They're making other noises and I don't want to be here to hear any other noises they might make. In fact, I don't want to be here tonight. I pack my backpack with everything I need for tonight and tomorrow, without making noise. Though Jake and Jeanna are making so much noise with laughing and music I doubt they'd hear me. I leave the house quietly and text Mom that I'm staying the night at Dad's. I've actually considered asking Dad if I can move in, but I just can't bring myself to be around Elaine.
Owen's still at football practice but I need him tonight. I know how to get into his room, he'll probably be happy to find me in his room doing homework when he gets home. At least, I hope he will. I make the short walk to Owen's going to his private entrance and open the door. I'm surprised to see someone on Owen's bed, only it's not Owen.
"Fitz!"
"Hey Clare," he says slowly. He seems just as surprised to see me as I am to see him. He furrows his brow in confusion, probably over the fact that I just let myself into Owen's room. "You and Owen…" his voice trails off as he doesn't seem to know how to finish. I'm not sure what to tell him and decide it's best if I just leave.
"I should go," I say and turn quickly, closing the door. The spare key in my hand still I start running.
"CLARE," Fitz calls after me, but I don't stop. I keep running, unsure of what to do now, I find myself running toward school and the ravine. I'm starting to think I can just sleep in the ravine when Eli comes around the corner on his bike and stops me.
"You running away?" Eli asks, quirking his eyebrow.
"Kinda," I shrug.
"From what?" Eli inquires.
"I came home to hear Jake and Jenna in his room, giggling and who knows what else. He's brought her home the last two days. It was bad enough when they were just flirting in our kitchen but in the room next to mine!"
"Not over Jake yet?"
"Definitely over Jake, but hearing your ex turned stepbrother and one of your only two female friends doing things, I don't want to think about them doing, on the other side of the wall is not fun. I told my mom I was sleeping at my dad's tonight. I would have said Alli's, but Jenna lives with her. It's been pretty awkward living with Jake and sharing a washroom. I even considered asking Dad if I can live with him, but he's living with Elaine, and I just can't bring myself to see her yet. I need more female friends, because my current plan is to spend the night in the ravine."
"That sounds like a terrible plan. Why don't you sleep at my house? You can take my room, it's clean now, mostly thanks to you. I'll sleep on the sofa downstairs, might still be a bit awkward but it's got to be better than the ravine. We are kind of friends again, right?"
"Definitely," I smile, "what about your parents though?"
"I know my parents won't mind. You did have a standing offer to stay the night at my house," Eli smirks.
"That I did," I grin.
Eli gets off his bike and we walk to his house together. We talk about school, and Adam. Eli tells me he's thinking about making a movie. He thought about doing another play but decided to stay away from plays for a bit after the last one. I have to agree that a break from plays is a good thing. We go in through the garage where Eli puts his bike away and come into the kitchen where Cece and Bullfrog are making dinner.
"Clare, Honey, it's so good to see you," Cece smiles as she hugs me.
"Hi Cece, Bullfrog," I grin.
"Good to see you, Clarabell," Bullfrog greets me with a smile.
"She's staying the night, she'll take my room and I'll sleep on the sofa," Eli tells his parents.
"I hope you're hungry Clare, dinner will be ready in ten minutes," Cece says.
"I am and it smells delicious," I grin.
"Come on, you can put your stuff in my room," Eli comments, taking my arm.
He leads me upstairs and opens his door, which no longer has a padlock. I'm happy to see his room has stayed clean and tell him as much. Eli grins proudly and says it wouldn't be if not for me. We return downstairs and I help set the table for dinner. We eat together and then Eli and I stay at the table to do our homework.
When Eli first proposed this, I thought it would be incredibly awkward, but the night isn't awkward at all. Eli and I settle into a comfortable place as friends. I help him change his sheets and find that I'm even comforted by the fact that the room smells like Eli. It's the first time all week I sleep very well.
I wake rested, Eli gets his clothes while I'm in the washroom getting ready. Cece makes us breakfast and takes us both to school. She pulls up to the steps and we both get out of the car. Drew is waiting on the steps, presumably for Katie, but I see the look of confusion on his face when we get out of the car together. If Drew was waiting for Katie, he follows us inside and when Eli leaves me to go to his locker Drew comes over and puts his arm around my shoulders.
"I like Eli and all, he's a good friend to Adam, but please tell me the two of you arriving together does not mean you're back together?" Drew says.
"No, not back together, but friends again. I stayed at his place last night because I couldn't be at home. That's why we were arriving together."
"Why couldn't you be at home?" Drew asks but then we see Jake and Jenna flirting and giggling in the halls. "Oh, not liking your ex and friend together?"
"Not really, I'm definitely over Jake, but him with Jenna is just…I don't know…a little odd, I guess. It's not the same as her stealing K.C. from me but still. Having to listen to my ex turned stepbrother and Jenna in his room laughing and who knows what, it was a little more than I could take last night. I had to get out of the house last night, my plan A fell through, and plan B was sleeping in the ravine, so Eli saved me from that."
"You know you could have stayed at our house, I'm sure we could have convinced mom," Drew says.
"I'll remember that next time," I smile.
(OWEN)
"I'm home," I call into the house when I come home from practice Wednesday afternoon.
"Dinner's almost ready, wash up," Mom tells me.
I run down to my room and drop my backpack before washing my hands. The first week of school had so far been about what I expected, although we were only halfway through it. Connor and Mo had both tried out for football. I missed having Drew on the team, but after getting beat and his concussion sports were out. I had barely seen Clare at all, other than passing her in the halls.
I don't talk much over dinner, but Tris as usual was doing most of the talking. I was kinda spacing out thinking about Clare because currently Tris is talking about him and Tori doing something or other. I usually don't pay much attention to him when he goes on and on about whatever he and Tori happened to be up to at the moment. It's generally something I have no interest in, and unless I think he's going to get into trouble with it I just zone out.
After dinner I go down to my room, sitting at my desk to do my homework. I'm trying to figure out a math problem when there's a knock at the door to the backyard. I'm expecting Clare, hoping it's her, because I could very much use a taste of her right now. There's a small possibility it's Bianca, she used to come over a lot to escape her aunt. She's pretty much stopped doing that though, about the time she took up with Drew and then while I was crazy about Anya.
"Fitz!" I exclaim more than shocked to see my long-lost best friend standing at the door. "Holy shit, where the fuck have you been?" I question pulling Fitz into a tight hug to make sure he's really there. He makes a painful groan and I instantly release him, holding him at arm's length. "You're hurt? You've been back a day and you got into it already? Was it your stepdad or Steve?" I pull him inside and close the door as I speak.
"I've been back almost four months," Fitz tells me, and my mouth drops open.
"Four months? Where'd you go? Why'd you come back? Why didn't you tell anyone you were back?" I question rapidly. I should probably slow down, let him breathe, but I'm in shock right now. Fitz slowly lowers himself to my bed.
"I fucked things up pretty bad, pushing Clare, overstepping my bounds with well…just about everyone. I decided I needed some space. With Father Greg's help I found a job in Ottawa. I meant to call, I did, it's just I didn't know what to say and the more time that passed the more a phone call seemed…I don't know…not good enough."
"Seriously? You didn't think you could call and say I fucked up and I need some space but I'm okay? We've all fucked up Fitz, we've all needed space. Your closest friends are pretty much nothing but misfit screw ups. We would have understood, we just wanted to know you were okay," I tell him kind of angrily. Fitz looks down at his hands and with guilt all over his face. I sit next to him on the bed and change the subject. "So, what brought you back?"
"Father Greg got in touch with me to tell me my mom was sick. So, I came back, saw my mom in the hospital, and went home. It was okay for a while; I spent the first month at the hospital with my mom and taking care of her at home. I started studying for the equivalency exam and got a job. Rudy was…I don't know, so in shock over my mom and maybe happy to have the help. Even Steve was laying off, I mean he was staying out of the house a lot, but even at the house he wasn't pestering me. As my mom got worse Rudy started to be his old self. Each time Mom went back to the hospital he'd get drunk and take it out on me. Last night after seeing Mom in the hospital I came home, and Rudy was drunk. We got into it immediately, I hit back, but he got me pretty good, and I spent most of the day in bed. Until Steve came home high, and we got into it. He kicked me in my already bruised ribs, and I had trouble breathing. I went to the clinic and got my ribs taped up after a couple of x-rays. I realized I couldn't go home, and I didn't know where else to go."
"I'm glad you're here Buddy, your ribs okay?"
"Cracked, they'll be okay in a few days. Sorry to just crash in on you like this."
"Dude, shut up, I'm just glad you're here, and alive. You have no idea how worried we've been. You take the bed; I'll sleep on the floor. I got school tomorrow, but I'll tell my parents you're here in the morning."
Fitz smiles and says thanks. He lies down cautiously, and I get him some water. We talk and catch up while I finish my homework, I almost tell him about Clare but stop myself. Our unrelationship is a secret and given the lengths Fitz went for her I'm not sure how he'd feel. We do talk about Bianca and our other friends; Fitz wants to see them all this weekend if they can make it.
He didn't come with much other than the clothes on his back, so he borrows some things and he's asleep in the bed before I'm done making my bed on the floor. I sleep kind of restlessly and Fitz is still conked out when I get up for school Thursday morning. I grab clothes and my backpack and get ready in my washroom.
"Hey Mom, Dad," I say, coming out to the living room. They're both getting ready to leave for work but stop when I call them.
"What is it, Son?" Dad asks.
"Fitz showed up last night, he needs a place to crash for a while."
"Is he alright?" Mom questions.
"He's got a few cracked ribs, he's still asleep in my bed."
"Let him rest then, I'll check on him when I get home from work," Mom says.
"I can pick up some things for him on my lunch. I'm thinking he didn't show up with much," Dad adds. Most of the time Fitz ran over here after getting beat by Rudy or into it with Steve he'd maybe have his backpack for school. We kept stuff for him and some of it is still here but after months of nothing I moved a lot of it, and don't remember where I put it all.
"Yeah, pretty much the clothes on his back."
Mom kisses my cheek before she and Dad leave. I start getting breakfast and Tris comes into the kitchen. I tell him Fitz is back while we eat, and not to go blabbing about it at school. First thing I do when I get to school is find Bianca, I pull her into an empty classroom.
"What's the big secret?" Bianca asks.
"Fitz is back."
"What? The hell do you mean Fitz is back?! Where the fuck has he been?"
I tell her what he told me last night about why he left, where he went and why he came back. How he showed up at my door last night, and that he'll be staying for the foreseeable future.
"He wants to see you, and everyone, but this weekend. He needs to take it easy for a couple of days."
"I can't believe he's back, I thought we'd never see him again," Bianca remarks.
"Yeah, pretty sure we all thought so," I remark as the bell rings. I open the door and we hurry quickly to our homeroom classes.
I see Clare in the halls and the caf, but I don't talk to her, I don't even nod to her today. I want to get back to my house after school and make sure that Fitz is still there, but I have football practice. As soon as practice is over and I've showered I drive home, going in my door. Fitz is on the bed reading one of my old comic books, one he's read many times before.
"Hey, how was your day?"
"Fine, didn't do much. Your mom checked on me when she came home, and your dad brought me some clothes and stuff. Probably the most exciting thing was when Clare stopped by this afternoon. She left pretty quickly when she saw me," Fitz tells me. I freeze and am sure I look as guilty as I feel right now. "Are you two…" Fitz begins, and I hold up my hand to stop him.
"No, no," I say quickly and then start rubbing the back of my neck as I'm not sure how to tell him this, "we're uh…friends with benefits."
"Friends with benefits?! Clare actually agreed to a friends with benefits relationship?" Fitz asks his eyes wide with disbelief. I sit at my desk and explain how it all happened.
"I know you have or had a crush on her, I'll stop if it's going to bother you," I tell Fitz. I mean it too, he's my best friend, if he doesn't like it, I'll tell Clare we're done. As much as I do mean it, I feel a pang go through me when I say it.
"I messed up with Clare," he sighs regretfully. "I'm probably back in Toronto for good, but honestly, too much has gone on, and is going on for me to even sort out my feelings for Clare right now. If you're both happy with the arrangement and both getting something out of it, then don't stop on my account."
"And, when your life isn't so hectic?" I question. I released a silent breath when he didn't ask me to stop seeing her though.
"When that happens, and I can sort out my feelings I'll let you know. Even if I discover I still have feelings for Clare when that happens if you're both happy together or she's dating someone else she's happy with I won't stand in your way or hers."
I smile just as Mom calls us to dinner. Fitz tells everyone at dinner what he told me last night. After dinner while I do my homework Fitz and I talk about getting together with Bianca and the others this weekend. Friday morning, I drive me and Tris to school, I don't see Drew waiting on the steps for Katie, which is odd since I didn't see Marisol's car when I parked. When I get to my locker and start opening it Drew comes over to his locker and without Katie, also odd.
"Don't you normally wait for Katie on the steps?"
"Yeah, but when I saw Clare pulling in with Eli and his mom I kind of lost all other thought and just wanted to make sure they weren't getting back together. She says they aren't, but she slept at his place last night," Drew tells me. My stomach turns and my heart kind of drops at the thought of Clare at Eli's all night.
"She slept at his house?"
"Yeah, guess with Jake brining Jenna home she's feeling kinda displaced. I told her to come to our place next time."
"Good," I exhale, and Drew looks at me, I better cover this fast, "I mean we are friends now. I know Eli is doing better but after all his behavior I just think it's better if she doesn't spend the night there."
"Yeah, me too, which is why I told her to stay at our place next time," Drew says.
We close our lockers and start walking to class. I want to talk to Clare, a part of me worries about what she did at Eli's house, despite the fact that we agreed to be exclusive friends with benefits. When I'm sitting at my desk, I message her asking her to meet me at lunch. She says she can't because she's eating at The Dot with Adam. I know she has newspaper after school and I have football practice, our first game is next week. I ask if I can take her home after school when we're both done, and she says yes. The day seems to drag on because I'm anxious to talk to her, but finally she is in my car. I start driving but go in the opposite direction of our houses.
"You spent the night at Eli's?"
"You don't need to sound so jealous; I spent the night, but he slept on the sofa nothing happened. I went to your house, but Fitz was there, and I didn't think it was a good idea to stay. I still have your spare key by the way."
"Yeah, he told me you dropped by. Fitz just showed up the other night, beaten but back. It's a longer story and it's his, but he came back because his mom is sick. You can keep the key; I'll give Fitz another one. I'm not sure how long he'll be staying with us, at least until he's got another option. I told him about us," I inform her.
"You did?"
"He understood, well sort of, he was pretty shocked that you'd agree to such an arrangement, but I explained. Fitz is good with it as long as it's what we both want. He will be staying with me for a while though, which will make it hard to meet at my house."
"Yeah, with Jake and Jenna at my house a lot that's not a good idea either."
"Well, there's always my car," I remark, and she smiles. I drive to one of our favorite places to park and we make out until I have to get her home.
"Drew said next time you feel displaced you could sleep at his house," I remark as I park on her street a couple houses past hers.
"He did and I will. It is nice to be friends with Eli again and spend time with him. Sleeping there wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be, but I don't know that I want to do it again," she says.
"Good, Fitz and I are getting together with friends tomorrow. If you need to meet up though, message me and I'll try to get away."
"I will, goodnight, Owen," she grins.
I say goodnight and watch her get out of my car, I wait until she's inside and drive home. I walk in with a grin on my face and Fitz chuckles.
"I take it by the grin you were with Clare," Fitz says.
"Uh, yeah, that obvious huh?"
"It is by that grin," he says shaking his head, "your mom left you dinner if you're hungry."
"Starved," I reply, setting down my backpack and running to the kitchen to get dinner. I grab my plate and return to my room, while I'm eating Lucas texts. "Lucas says everything is set for tomorrow, we'll meet them at noon."
"Cool," Fitz smiles, "can't wait to see everyone."