"The choice to come to Shiz?"
"Wasn't mine."
"The choice to major in life sciences?"
"Wasn't mine."
"The choice for Nessarose to join Shiz as well, and early, too?"
"… Wasn't mine."
The rest of the Charmed Circle looked among themselves, shaking their heads. Elphaba was an enigma, that much they always knew, but overhearing this new conversation with Madam Morrible only made her all the more perplexing and puzzling to them. These answers were not what they would've expected from her, from such a proud, fierce, independent freethinker. Not only did the first two answers contradict things she'd told them in the past, but the third answer in particular stood out to them.
"I thought she was overembarrassingly and ridicuosously close to her sister?" One of the Charmed Circle asked, voicing the thoughts of all the rest. Elphaba doted on Nessa, sometimes to the point of acting more like an overbearing mother hen than the aloof, distant big sister she claimed she was (and that Nessa sometimes wished she would be). The two were together as often as their schedules allowed, and it was always Elphaba nannying her little sister, pushing her wheelchair, answering her every beck and call, making sure all of her needs and wants were met to the fullest.
And yet, Elphaba would occasionally complain and disdain her little sister, sometimes to her face, and sometimes not. She would sigh and shake her head and remark that it would do Nessa good to learn a little independence of her own, and Nessa would bicker back and say that it was difficult with Elphaba constantly breathing down her neck and watching over her shoulder like a hawk.
But barely a second later, Elphaba's voice and face would soften. "I'm only trying to look after you, Nessa, dearest," she would say, and none of them was sure how truly endearing her words were meant to be. Nessa was of no help either, quick to take Elphaba up on her offer and issue up more commands and demands. Quite the paradoxical pair, weren't they?
So perhaps that made Elphaba's contradictory answers all the more confirmatory. That was to say, they fell perfectly in line with everything else the Charmed Circle knew about the mysterious and secretive green girl, which was that they knew very little at all. And if Elphaba could've heard them now, knowing that they were whispering behind her back right outside the door, after chiding them all for such childish choices, she would've only smirked and nodded, wise and knowing and agreeing, but revealing nothing.
They just wouldn't get it. None of them had siblings. They would never truly understand. Elphaba could always identify an only-child because they oft wished for a sibling of their own, completely ignorant to the true pain and pleasure of actually having and being one. And by the same token, Elphaba could always identify a child with a sibling, because there was always a mutual understanding: Can't live with or without them. Yet another oxymoronic paradox, or paradoxical oxymoron. Love and loathing, the lines were blurry, but the feelings were strong. No one could rile Elphaba up or calm her down quite like her little sister.
"I'VE always looked after you!"
"Elphaba, please! I'll be all right!"
"But I promised Father—!"
Father. He was another wild card of the family. Then again, were any of the Thropps anything but? Perhaps it was genetic. Elphaba's life science classes had yet to fully determine that. In any case, as mad as that madman made her, she was devoted to him, and to her sister. Even if Frex hadn't tasked Elphaba with looking after Nessa, Elphaba would've done it anyway. Through clenched teeth, begrudging and reserved, Elphaba looked after Nessa, even without Frex's commands. That was exactly how it had been for as far back as any of them could remember.
And Nessa had no issue in using Elphaba for all she was worth. Do this, do that! Fetch me this, fetch me that! Adjust my shawl, adjust my chair. And as furious as Elphaba would claim that Nessa's flippancy made her, she was ever the faithful first responder, often times offering Nessa more service than requested, leading Nessa to complain that Elphaba was too controlling and stifling. And on the vicious cycle would go.
I swear, no one is a greater stressor in my life, no one has given me more heart attacks! Elphaba shook her head, still trapped in Morrible's office, in the middle of an interrog—ah, an informative interview session—whereupon the Headshizstress was merely attempting to gain more insight into the nature of the Thropp family relationships and dynamics. As Morrible paused to write down all that Elphaba told her, Elphaba's mind wandered. As intolerable as Frex was, Nessa was intolerable too, in her own way, and Elphaba could not decide who was worse, or who was better.
He scares me, she scares me, they both drive me up the walls in different ways. I am certain that one or both of them will drive me to an early grave as well… A tiny, dark, sadistic part of Elphaba didn't half mind the thought, but then suddenly, she did. But I can't! I can't! I can't NOT be around! Because if I'm not… Who will look after Nessa?
The same girl who constantly insisted that her insipid sister learn to stand on her own two feet (ah, metaphorically speaking, of course) was the same sister who lived in constant fear of the day they were separated. The same girl who had come to Shiz for the chance of freedom and newness, getting a degree and making something unique of her life rather than spending the rest of it in Quadling Country, was the same girl who had chosen to come to Shiz so that she could, hopefully, one day, make enough of a life for herself that she could support her little sister, too.
"The choice to come to Shiz?"
"Wasn't mine."
"The choice to major in life sciences?"
"Wasn't mine."
"The choice for Nessarose to join Shiz as well, and early, too?"
"… Wasn't mine."
It WASN'T hers. Not really. Or at least, not completely. It was Nessa's. It was always Nessa. She is not me, and I wanted a life apart from her, a chance to be Elphaba Thropp rather than Nessarose's Older Sister, but… Elphaba was inexorably intertwined with her sister. She did not know who Elphaba Thropp was apart from Nessa because Nessa was a part of Elphaba. To take care of one was to take care of the other. Did Elphaba even want to know a version of herself apart from Nessa? Yes. And no.
What use is wishful thinking when wishing only wounds the heart? It was her lot in life to be a big sister just as it was her lot in life to be green, and just as it was Nessa's lot in life to be a little sister. What use was there in traveling to the Land of What Might Have Been? All Elphaba could really focus on, or control, was what was sitting right in front of her. In this exact case, it was Morrible, and more specifically, an analysis on the true story behind why Elphaba and chosen to come to Shiz, and with her little sister in tow, the same one she claimed she was tired of always keeping in her shadow of her wing.
I want to try defying gravity! Elphaba thought longingly, but with Nessa still nestled under her wing, Elphaba didn't dare spread them, for fear of upsetting Nessa. Even though Elphaba would say she was completely unfettered and unbound, and Nessa would insist that she would be fine without her big sister, they both knew Nessa would feel betrayed if Elphaba was suddenly no longer around.
Wasn't mine. Wasn't mine. Wasn't mine. The choice to be born. The choice to be green. The choice to be a big sister. The choice to be a caretaker. The choice to go to Shiz. The choice to study life sciences. The choice for Nessa to tag along even though she was still technically too young to be a college student.
It wasn't even Elphaba's choice what emotion she felt in regard to that decision. Every day, it was a feeling so sudden and new. Was it relief, resentment, apathy, anger? She didn't know, none of it was hers. Her own identity wasn't hers either. Elphaba was inexorably intertwined with her little sister… So, I suppose, if there is one thing in this cruel life, this bitter world, that IS mine…
Flashback to the first day of school, when Morrible started rolling Nessa away to her compartment, insisting that she could look after Nessa perfectly fine, and that Elphaba's services were no longer needed, or wanted. She was no longer required or relevant. How quickly Nessa nearly discarded her, casting her to the aside, even though she would've been betrayed if Elphaba was suddenly no longer around…
"Elphaba, please! I'll be all right!"
"But I promised Father—!"
"Ladies and gentleman, to your dormitories!"
"LET HER GO!"
That was what Elphaba said, but what she meant was, Give her back. She's MINE! Keep your hands off MY little sister!
The one thing in the world that WAS Elphaba's, that was truly hers, was also a reminder that nothing she had was truly hers, and there was always at least a small portion she had to give up for someone else's sake.
Maybe that's just the price you pay as a sibling… But, at least that price to pay was HERS, right? She loved and loathed it in equal measure. But to anyone who might've been surprised by how powerful and conflicting her feelings for Nessa were, she would've just scoffed.
CLEARLY, you must be an ONLY-child. This is normal sibling behavior. Can't live with or without them…