I do not want to do this. Not now. Not ever. I hate bathing! I hate having to see ny disgusting body or touch it...! But I also hate feeling so disgusting AND Komaru's yelling. She says I smell bad, especially after today. We were helping some people in Towa City like usual when Genocide Jack got out after someone showed off their injury. According to Komaru, she was running around and got lost. Obviously I don't remember anything. I have no idea what she did, but I do know that she worked up a sweat. I don't even wanna know what nonsense she got into.
It's terrifying to bathe. I always end up thinking about the shitty things my "moms" did to me. Sometimes I remember something I forgot they did. I never know how to feel when that happens. Another stupid thing I do is look at my body. I hate it. I hate the way it's too small, yet too much all at once. Everytime I see it, I just want to stop thinking. One of the worst parts aren't the parts I was born with. Tally marks on my thighs, one for each of Genocide's victims. I hate it so much it makes me want to scream just thinking about it. Of course, Komaru doesn't know any of this. I don't want her to. I can't freak her out anymore than I already do. Ugh having friends is so hard! I wish it was like the books where you don't have to try. You meet someone and you're best friends without effort.
Right now, Komaru is sitting on the hotel bed with her arms crossed. Her overly big yellow t shirt making her look extra cute and hard to take seriously. "Toko, I got you extra clothes and everything. Look! They're super cute! You'll love them." I already saw some of them. Most of the clothes were grey, purple or black sweaters, pants and skirts. Honestly, I'm dying to get out of this uniform that's falling apart at the seams... literally. I'd wear almost anything at this point. Although, having something I like would be way too good. "You're actually gonna make me bathe before you'll let me look at my new clothes?" I ask like while looking at the bag in the chair neither of us ever use.
"Yep! I'll be here so don't rush. Clean yourself really good or I'll bathe you myself!" Komaru's threat just came off as a joke, but I know she'll probably do it. The idea of her seeing my tally marks and hideous body could make me cry if I thought about it fir long enough. Ugh, I hate this. The entire self dilemma is just so stupid. I'm an adult now, I need to get over it. I hate this entire thing. Even now, her face looks cutely determined. At least she's not a complete jerk about this whole thing. I mean, she even got me some soap. Vanilla cherry. "Fine, I'll do it." I say the words while turning to the hotel bathroom. Her woos of encouragement remind me how stupid this is.
When I'm in, I see how big the shower is. A nice one too. Hm. Inspecting the light switch, I realize it's a dimming light. Thank God! That means I don't have to bathe in complete darkness. Okay, that helps. I put a couple of the plain white towels hanging on the shower door. God, I wish this was over already. The whirring of the vent makes me realize this is real. Hot water drowns out the noise and I take a big breath. I dim the light until it's only light enough to make out shapes. Finally, I can take this awful uniform off. Slowly untying just to throw the outfit off. That thing is going in the trash as soon as I get out. My glasses, shoes and clips rest on the sink.
Okay, time to get in. Another deep breath. I use my hand to test the temperature. Hot water feels good yet foreign that I can't tell if it's too hot or not. I just force myself in. The feeling literally washing over me, I let it happen. My ridiculously long hair sticks to my back until I move it. Hurrying this process up, I get some body wash. Komaru ranted about the differences between that, shampoo and conditioner for way too long. At least she'll be happy to see me clean I guess. I just keep thinking about her while I put some soap in my hand. It smells almost like her. Just enough to make my mind go. Vanilla cherry is what she got me, but she uses strawberry cherry because the packaging is cuter.
Another warm feeling besides the water comes across my face. I spread the body wash everywhere, scrubbing away until my skin felt weird. I hold my breath the closer I get to the talleys. My thighs don't have any new marks, thank God. I try to go on both as fast as I can and slow enough for Komaru. My hair feels like it's going crazy. Way too long and getting tangled. Ugh it's annoying. I try to grab the shampoo, but the lighting made me knock it down, making the loudest crash it possibly could have. This shit better be worth it.
--
After what felt like hours in that shower, I was out! Brushing my hair while in a towel so I don't have to look at my body. I keep the lights low just in case. No sound is coming from the room, so she's probably asleep. I think about braiding my hair for the first time in a while before going in there, mainly so it's out of the way. Ugh, too much effort. Opening the door, I see her sleeping there. She's so peaceful. Damn it, I should've rushed more! Moving my glasses to the desk, finally throwing the uniform away, and sneaking over to the bag, I pick something out. It's like Christmas!
Hm... How the hell did she nail my style so well? Baggy, dark colors, comfy, hipster stuff. I got into some grey sweats and a black shirt. "Toko. You... did good." Komaru's sleepy voice startles me. "Yeah. Just because you wouldn't let me change otherwise." She just smiles at my answer. Sitting up to look at me, I feel that warmth coming over my face again. Her gaze is making me feel weird. "Do you like them?" She asks like a mom. I nod. I don't know what I'm feeling. "Yeah. You definitely know what I like." I sit on the other side of the king sized bed. This comforting feeling in my chest overpowering me as I do.
I know I could have my own room with my own bed, but something about not being alone really helps. Especially after all that's happened. Being alone was all I wanted before. With her it's different. It's like being alone, but without the loneliness. It's what I want more than anything. "You look cute! I knew you'd like it." She smiles before laying back down, probably not even really awake. Obviously, she was out of it if she was calling me cute. When I was out today, we were running around giving water to people after shopping for clothes and supplies. She should be exhausted. Still, her smile lights up the room.
Turning out the lamp, I lay back too. I look at her without my glasses and I can still make out the softness of her face. "Cute? You must be really tired if you're calling me that." I say that while she's still looking at me. "I'll say it again until you believe it." Komaru fires back. This feeling is taking over me. "You'll be repeating yourself forever." I reply in my usual harshness, but I don't actually feel the tone I'm saying it. I feel... embarrassed? Being called cute by someone, especially a pretty girl like her, is something I'd usually think was just a harsh joke. With her, I know she really feels that way. So it's hard to explain what I feel.
A giggle from Komaru. Her hand reaching over to tuck some hair away, I freeze. I've written that move in a few of my romance novels. My heart feels so incredibly loud. I can't explain how insane I feel. I've fantasized about Byakuya doing that to me, but the real thing from her was too much. "Don't be so mean to my friend." She speaks with that bubbliness she usually has. Friend. Yeah. She's my only and best friend. That's why I'm so giddy. "You're..." I couldn't think of anything to say, so I trail off. After a moment, I just look away. God, what's wrong with me?
"What's wrong? Are you still mad at me for making you shower?" Komaru asks innocently. Yeah, let's go with that. "I was forced to wear that stupid outfit for way too much because the future foundation wouldn't give me new clothes. I-" Komaru cuts me off. "Wait, they just refused to take care of you?" I nod. I thought I already told her this, but maybe she just realized what I meant? "Oh my god, I'm sorry. I thought you just didn't change because of the bathing problem... Oh man, now I feel bad." Her sweetness is killing me. I feel like I could trust her with the world. She's the only person who doesn't ignore me or full on treat me like shit.
"Yeah, they wouldn't help me because of Genocide Jack. Not even Master Byakuya would stand up for me!" I look away from Komaru, out of shame. It's pathetic that I'm feeling so weird now. I try to bring up him to distract the main issue, but I don't think it'll work. "That's not okay! You dont deserve to be treated like that. By him or the future foundation." Her voice is firm. "You're just feeling sorry for me." I say that to defend myself yet again. Instantly, I know she sees through it. "No. I care about you."
Her hands grab onto mine, firmly holding then between us. My heart flutters. Oh fuck. I glance up at her face for only second. That look on her face made it so I couldn't deny it anymore. The look of firm, yet genuine care makes my heart continue to act weird. I love her. I'm gay for my only friend. There's no way I can deny it anymore. She keeps talking about how she cares about me and I shouldn't be so mean to myself, but I keep thinking about my newfound crush. For a romance writer, I should've seen this coming.