~ Chapter 3 ~
I heard Benji's footsteps before I saw him. He took one look at Felix and burst into hysterical laughter. "What did you do to him?"
"He's lucky that's all I did," I muttered. Andrew's jacket was firmly tied around him, trapping his hands to his back. If he was sober, it would be easy for him to get out of it, but he was still very, very drunk. I was actually a little worried about how drunk he was. "He wouldn't stop poking me." I realized how childish I sounded once the words were out and then I was suddenly laughing along with Benji. "I guess I should untie him, huh?"
"Eventually, I think you have to," he pointed out. "At least by the time we get him back."
"Speaking of getting him back. How far do you live from us?"
"Not too far." He shrugged.
"If it's too much, I can ask my dad if he can give you a ride back."
Benji smiled before a strange look crossed his face; I'd almost say he looked nervous. "I'll really be fine. My boyfriend lives in the townhouses like two minutes from your apartment. I can crash there."
"Oh. I didn't know you had a boyfriend." I couldn't explain the pounding in my head or chest. "Does he go to Creekwood?"
"No, but he lives in Atlanta," Benji explained. "He graduated last year.
"Oh. Cool. Does he go to college?"
Benji chuckled. "He's taking a gap year. School isn't really Derek's thing. He's hoping to turn his gap year into a gap life if he can find work doing something with music. His parents gave him a deadline. He has until May or he's enrolling next year. I think he's still hoping we'll make it big with our band."
"You're in a band." I tried not to sound surprised. He didn't look like he was in a band, though I guess there wasn't a way to tell that. It still surprised me.
"Lead singer, actually. And I play guitar. I am a man of many talents." I bit my lip to hide my laughter, but there was something about how he said it that seemed so hilarious. "We should probably get going."
"Good luck. Every time I ask him if he's ready to walk… here, let me show you." I turned towards Felix. "Feel like taking a walk?"
Felix instantly plopped down in the grass. Because his hands were tied together, his fall was a little more uncoordinated, but he didn't look hurt.
Benji looked like he was trying very hard not to laugh. "You weren't joking. I'll take one side if you take the other." I agreed and we got Felix to his feet. "How much did he drink?"
"I, uh, don't know. I was with the basketball team, and I lost track of time." Benji raised his eyebrows but didn't say anything about it. I still felt myself filling with shame. It had been pretty shitty of me to ditch Felix. "I just wanted to get to know them now that I'm gonna be on the team, you know?" Still nothing. I groaned. "Okay, I was a terrible friend. Is that what you want to hear?"
"Wow, you crack so easy," Benji teased.
Felix stumbled and nearly took both of us with him. "I've never been good with it," I admitted once we found our balance. "When we were little, my mom always knew to ask me if we'd done something wrong because I couldn't hold up once she gave me a look like she was disappointed in me."
"We? You and your sister? I think I've seen her around school."
"Yeah. Pilar."
"Are the two of you close?"
I really thought about his question. "Sort of. We used to be a lot closer. Then she started dating and, I dunno, we started drifting, I guess. We're still close, but it's not like it used to be."
"Do you miss it?"
"Yeah," I said softly. "I miss that feeling like it was the two of us against the world. I'm really close with my little brother, but it's different. He's always kind of been the baby of the family."
"I always wanted a little sister," Benji told me. "I asked for a baby sister all the time when I was younger. My mom even has a letter I wrote to Santa in a picture frame that she still puts out every year."
"That sounds adorable!"
"I was a pretty cute kid," he agreed.
"Do you have a brother?" I asked uncertainly.
He shook his head. "I am rocking the only-child life. It's probably better that way."
"What do you mean?"
He never got to answer because Felix suddenly spun so he was facing me. "We gotta go back," he said.
"What? Why?"
"I never got to make my move with Lake. I know she's dating her cousin." Benji glanced at me, and I shook my head; that was a long story.
"We're not going back."
"But if we go back, you can talk to Mia," he pointed out.
"Mia?" Benji asked.
"They're in loooooooooooove," Felix said. "Victor and Mia kissing in a tree. K-S… K-S-S-N-I… K-S-I-N-G…" Felix frowned like he was working through a complicated problem. "K-S-S-I-S-S-I-N-G." He looked really proud of himself.
"Did you know you're… doing that with Mia?" Benji asked. He was looking at Felix like he'd just gifted him the holy grail. I only rolled my eyes. It was probably too dark for him to see it, but it made me feel better. "What's going on with the two of you anyway? I saw from creeksecrets that she gave you a ride home from the carnival."
I groaned. Our carpool endeavors had blown up around the school. Everyone seemed to think that we were dating and… I honestly wasn't sure what I wanted to do. I liked Mia. A lot. Tonight had been incredible, but I had no idea if I liked her in the right way. I pushed those thoughts aside. This was not the time or place to unpack my crisis. "We're friends, I think." Felix spun in a circle in front of us and nearly stumbled. We steadied him and Benji looped his arm behind his back to help support him. I did the same thing and tried very hard not to think about how often Benji's arm brushed mine with this arrangement.
"Just friends?" Benji questioned when we started to walk again. "That's not what I heard."
I let out another dramatic groan. Someone needed to take Lake's tech away from her; she really wielded too much power. "I know what people are saying. But we really are just friends. I don't know if we'll be more than that one day, but I want to get used to Atlanta before I think about dating."
I guessed that was a good excuse because Benji didn't question it. I'd have to remember that because I had a feeling I'd be giving that excuse a lot. "Do you –"
My phone started to ring before he could finish his question. "Hold that thought." I had to reach into my left pocket with my right hand and fumbled getting it out more than I expected. "Papi. Hi."
"Where are you?"
"We're on our way." I guessed we'd walked about a mile, so we only had two more miles of this torture. "I think there are a few more stops before we'll be home. The bus is pretty much looping through all of Atlanta." To be fair, the bus was looping through all of Atlanta; I just wasn't on it. Benji raised his eyebrows at me, and I shook my head.
"Be careful. Your mother would have a fit if she knew you were still out."
"I know. I'll be home soon; I promise. You don't have to wait up for me." He scoffed. Yeah. It probably wasn't even worth the attempt. "I'll call you if we're gonna be much longer, but I really should be home soon. I'd guess maybe twenty minutes or so." There wasn't a chance we'd be home by then. I tried to figure out an excuse that would be believable. Maybe I could tell him the bus broke down, but I was pretty sure he'd insist on coming to get me at that point. I hoped he'd believe it was just a really long bus route. I was definitely going to be grounded for a long time but that seemed like a problem for twenty-minutes-from-now-Victor to deal with.
"Okay. I'll see you when you get home." I could hear his frustration, and I wasn't sure if it was because he was annoyed with the bus or if he knew I was lying.
I hung up on him. "Don't ask," I said.
"Wasn't gonna," Benji said. "It's none of my business why you told your dad you're on a bus right now."
It was the silence that got to me. "He wouldn't be okay with us walking home, and I didn't want him to see Felix like this." It was a half-truth.
"Are your parents strict about stuff like this?" he asked curiously.
"That's hard to answer," I said gruffly. Felix apparently decided he was over being on his feet, so we were carrying him more than he was carrying himself. He wasn't terribly heavy, but he was actively resisting our efforts which made this really complicated.
"Why?"
"Because I've never really had the chance to find out. Anything like this? I keep it need to know with them. It's easier."
"It sounds like it would suck to have to keep a part of yourself from your parents."
"Yeah," I said softly. I quickly coughed. "But they're my parents and I love them, so what am I gonna do? I can suck up their standards and be the good Catholic boy they need me to be."
"They're religious." I couldn't place the look on his face.
"Very," I confirmed. "My mom more so than my dad. She's the kind of mom who will tell us Jesus doesn't want us to do something before she'll tell us she doesn't want us to do it. The number of times she's told my sister, 'Jesus didn't die so you could wear that outfit'."
"Do…" he looked at me uncertainly. "Do you believe that too?"
"Not really," I admitted. I half expected a bolt of lightning to smite me or for that to somehow summon my mom. When neither happened, I continued. "My mom likes to think we're this perfect Catholic family and we go to church together every Sunday, but… I don't know. I never really had the chance to figure out what I believe versus or what I've convinced myself I believe because my mom needs that." I don't say what I'm thinking which is that the Catholic church has made my life 1000% more confusing. If there was a God, I didn't know if he hated me or if everyone I'd known in Texas had been wrong about what he wanted. I had trouble figuring out where I fit into this whole thing.
"That sounds like it's gotta be tough. Going every week if you're not sure you believe in it."
I shrugged. "What are you gonna do? You can't pick your parents and, most of the time, they're pretty great, so it feels like a small thing to suck up weekly mass." He frowned. "Don't you ever do that with your parents?"
"My parents aren't religious, so I don't have to pretend," he told me.
"Well, yeah. Obviously not with church. One of my friends back in Texas always complained because his parents had all these weird traditions that made sense when he was five and not when he was fifteen, but he sucked it up for them, you know?"
I got the distinct feeling that I made him uncomfortable because he hastily changed the subject. "Do you miss your friends in Texas?"
"This probably sounds bad, but no. I mean, I miss a few of them. I don't know. I guess I didn't have anyone in Texas that made it hard to leave." He raised his eyes at me. "I was popular," I clarified. "Because of basketball, but it felt like that was all I was. No one really knew me. Pilar used to be jealous of me, but I would have traded places with her in a second. She had real friends. People that knew everything about her. I don't know what that's like." I looked away from Benji. "Sorry. I shouldn't complain. People have it way worse." I glanced at Felix. I didn't know the whole story, but it hadn't taken me long to realize that I was his only friend in Creekwood, and I'd met him just a few days ago.
"It still sounds shitty. And lonely," he observed.
"Yeah, I guess." I shuddered. "Have you always lived in Shady Creek?"
"We lived in a different part of Atlanta until I was in the first grade," he told me. "We moved halfway through the year, and I actually ended up repeating because the elementary school here was so far ahead of where my old school had been. I couldn't catch up."
"Why'd you move?" I asked curiously.
"It had always been the plan. They had done their research when my dad got his job, and they knew they wanted to raise me in Shady Creek. That was when they could have our house built here."
"Do you like it?"
Benji frowned. "I don't hate it."
"That's not the same thing."
Felix chose that moment to spin and face us. He did it so quickly, he lost his balance and fell backward. I helped him to his feet. "I'm so glad you moved to Creekwood." His eyelids were half closed and his speech was garbled. "Both of you."
Benji snickered. "Sure."
"Seriously. You're one of the only people that don't call me Lonestone." He rested his head on my shoulder as we continued to walk.
"Lonestone?" I questioned. It soundly vaguely familiar.
"Yeah. There was a rumor that Felix only has one ball. It started such a long time ago, but the nickname stuck," Benji explained.
"Right. Felix mentioned that. It's nice of you to not call him that."
"I did for a while, but when I came out, I realized how messed up it was. I didn't know Felix even noticed."
I looked at the sidewalk. "When, uh, when did you come out?"
"Technically over the summer, but most people found out the first day of school."
I so badly wanted to ask about it, but I felt like we were already in dangerous territory. I filed that away to think about though because I'd just assumed Benji's been out for ages. He seemed so confident. I might not be able to ask him how he came out or if it was hard, but I couldn't help that I wanted to know more. The question spilled out of my of its own accord. "What does technically over the summer mean?"
"It means I came out to my parents and friends over the summer but didn't make a big announcement about it. When the school year started, I didn't pretend I wasn't gay. When someone asked if I was dating someone, I told them the truth. That I had a boyfriend."
"And your boyfriend? When did you start dating?"
"The beginning of May. If you're going to continue the interrogation, Derek came out when he was thirteen. We met last January when I auditioned for his band and flirted for a few months before he asked me if I was ever going to admit I liked him. We were kind of rocky for a few months; it was hard for him to be with someone in the closet, but I came out and we've been pretty good ever since. What else do you want to know?" Benji shot me a coy smile which made me think he wasn't actually upset.
"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "This is all new to me."
"I'm guessing you didn't meet many gay people in Texas?"
"Try none."
Benji stopped walking. "Am I the first gay person you've met?" he asked incredulously.
"Kind of." I couldn't look at him. He said it like it was a bad thing, and it probably was. "Almost everyone I knew in Graham I knew through church. I'm sure there were gay kids in my school, but they weren't out."
"Can you tell me about Texas?" he asked. "I've been to San Antonio with my parents, but what you're describing sounds so different from what I saw."
"Yeah. If you go to any of the big cities, it's kind of different than living anywhere else in Texas. Graham was pretty small. Not the smallest. Some people who came to Graham for church literally lived in the middle of nowhere. If I stayed there, I would have graduated with 51 other people."
"51?" he asked incredulously. "I thought Creekwood was small but that's… wow. Our class is almost bigger than your whole school."
"Almost. It was all I ever knew until we moved. My aunt and uncle lived in Dallas, and we visited them a few times, but we never really explored. We just went wherever they took us."
"What was that like? Going to such a small school."
"There wasn't a lot of room to be different."
"I used to feel that way about Creekwood," he said softly. "It's kind of like everyone has an image of who you are, and they don't try to figure out if they're wrong. They're either right or they want nothing to do with you."
I nodded. It confirmed exactly what I'd learned the last two days: Creekwood wasn't that different from Graham. Except Creekwood had Benji which instantly made it different. There was no one as brave as Benji in Graham. "It must've been hard to come out."
"It was," he agreed. "I've known for a long time. Longer than I really like to admit, but I didn't want to be gay because I didn't want to deal with everyone else."
"Yeah. I get that." I heard myself after I said that. "I mean. I think. I can imagine what that's like. Maybe."
I was really grateful that Felix decided to literally let himself become dead weight and fell to the ground; I hoped Benji missed the jumbled, messy slew of words I threw together to cover up my slip.
"This isn't working," Benji muttered. "Hold on a sec." He pulled out his phone and walked a few feet away. I didn't know if he thought I wouldn't be able to hear him, but he wasn't far enough away for that.
"Hey. Do you think you could come pick me up?" I tried to get Felix back to his feet, but I might as well have tried moving a mountain. "No. I'm with two friends. One of them is really, really drunk and –" Benji cut off abruptly. "No, of course not. I promise. We're just having trouble getting back to their apartment, and I was hoping you could come pick us up." Benji was silent for almost a minute. "Or we can walk, but at this rate, I'm going to be lucky if I get to their apartment by morning." Benji sighed and dropped his voice. "I am a high schooler, so I don't know what you expect." He glanced over at me, and I quickly pretended that I wasn't listening. "Thank you. Okay. See you soon."
"Great news," Benji said when he got back to me. "My boyfriend's going to come pick us up."
I didn't want to tell him I was listening in, but I had been, so I'd noticed that he'd missed something really important. "Does he know where we are?"
Benji cursed under his breath and quickly sent a text. "Now he does. Sorry, I didn't realize Felix was going to be this challenging. I should have called him a while ago."
I wanted to ask why he hadn't, but I sensed that he didn't want to talk about it. It took Derek less than five minutes to get to us, and it was immediately awkward. He clearly wanted nothing to do with us and didn't even acknowledge us as he waited for us to get in his car. It took some work to get Felix buckled into his seat, and then I slipped into the back with him. "I'm sorry," Benji murmured as he slipped into the passenger seat.
"We'll talk about this later," Derek told him.
After about thirty seconds, I couldn't take the silence. "Thanks for coming to pick us up. I don't think we could've gotten Felix home without you. Benji said you were great, but this was next level, so thanks." I thought I was laying it on thick, but I didn't want to be the reason they were having problems.
Derek looked over at Benji and, I swear, his face softened a little. "Anything for this guy."
The smile on Benji's face made me feel simultaneously happy and sad. At least it didn't seem like I was about to cause a fight between them. To be fair, I probably wouldn't have been thrilled to have to carpool my boyfriend's drunk friend around. Especially not when it was getting close to midnight.
"Benji mentioned you're in a band together?"
Apparently, I'd found the right thing to ask about because suddenly Derek and Benji were bouncing off of each other as they talked about the band. They clearly loved each other a lot, but not nearly as much as they both loved music. It was kind of funny to watch.
By the time we got to my apartment, I thought Derek at least didn't hate us anymore. I'd take that as an improvement. "See you in the morning," Benji reminded me once Felix and I were out.
"Bright and early," I agreed. I stood outside until Derek drove away.
I felt more confused than ever.
I helped Felix up to his apartment and he stood in front of his door. "You can't come in," he moaned. "It's a disaster."
"I'm sure it's not that bad."
"Oh, it is." He looked at me nervously. "So… good night."
"Not a chance. Let's go."
He put his hand in his pockets. "The thing is," he started. Then he squinted at me. "I have a great idea. What if I crash at your place?"
"Trust me. You do not want my dad to see you like this."
He pulled out his key and, while unsuccessfully trying to put it in the lock, said, "I really am fine."
I took the key from him and got his door open. I only got it a few inches before he fully stood in the doorway. "Please," he begged.
I looked at the floor. "I promise. I don't care if you're apartment is the dirtiest apartment I have ever seen. Just let me get you some water and get you to your room."
"Promise?" he asked. He held up his pinkie and it took me nearly thirty seconds to realize what he wanted.
I looped my pinkie with his. "Promise," I agreed. Felix had said his apartment was messy, but I really hadn't been prepared for the sheer amount of clutter that we had to stumble around on our way to his bedroom. I left him for a minute to get some water and when I got back, he was trying to figure out a pair of pajama pants where one of the legs were inside out. "Here." He handed me the pants and I quickly fixed them. He quickly changed and put his t-shirt on backward. I figured he'd survive the night, so I didn't point that out. I handed him the glass of water. "Drink."
He obediently took several sips of water. "Thanks."
He laid down on his bed. "Um… Felix? Is… is everything okay?" I asked quietly.
"Huh?"
"Is everything okay with you?"
He sat up and blinked rapidly. "Wh–why do you ask?"
"You just seemed really nervous to have me see your apartment and you got really drunk tonight and… if there was anything you wanted to talk about, you could, you know."
He was quiet for such a long time that I started to assume he wasn't going to tell me. "My dad left us when I was five," he said softly. "We've lived in this apartment for as long as I can remember. We've had a lot of stuff that just built up. I didn't realize, at first. That's kind of the thing with this. It happened slowly and then, one day, it looked like this." He stuck his tongue out just a little bit as if he was concentrating. "My mom… it's really hard for her to just get out of bed and go to work. I think it takes everything she has, so when she gets home, things like cooking and cleaning? They're just not things she can do. She has…" He let out a shuddery breath.
I pushed his desk chair, so it was at the edge of his bed and sat down. "It's okay."
He shook his head. "No. It's not," he told me. He ran his fingers through his hair before he wiped at his eyes. That's when I realized he was crying.
I had no idea what to do, so I did the only thing I could think of; I grabbed his hand. "It is okay. Whatever's going on with your mom, it's going to be okay."
He sat up and threw his arms around me. I wasn't prepared for it, but I thought I recovered quickly. I patted his back and waited. "She's, uh, she has bipolar disorder. She can't help it."
"Okay."
After a minute, Felix pulled back and gripped my wrists. "You can't tell anyone. If they knew how she was… they might not believe she's okay, and I could be taken away from her. Please."
I really hoped I wasn't going to regret this. "I won't tell anyone." I knew the moment I said it that I meant it. I couldn't take that away from him. It was his life and his choice. "Is… is it that bad? Right now, I mean."
Felix frowned. "No. Not right now. It's been worse before. She's had periods of depression and then periods where she's… it's kind of hard to explain. It's like she looks like she's the opposite of depressed, but she's still depressed… or she's not, but she's not healthy. It's just the other side of having bipolar." I got some more water in him. His words were starting to be a little less slurred.
"What does that mean?" I asked.
"It means that she gets, like, overexcited about things. Like, when I was in the fifth grade and I started being bullied because Andrew sucks, she spent four months staring at the wall in our living room and then went through a phase where she taught herself how to do floral arrangements. For weeks, she stayed up almost all night watching how-to videos. That was all she could talk about, and it looked like she was doing well, but it was like her whole life revolved around those floral arrangements. She couldn't think about anything else, and if I tried to talk about anything else or suggest that maybe she needed to stop ordering custom-colored roses, she got really, really angry."
"And right now?" I pressed. "How is she right now?"
"She's at an in between. She's not totally there, but she's not so depressed that she can't get herself to work or so manic that she's trying to paint our kitchen appliances or trying to retile our bathroom by herself, so… she's fine."
"You don't have to do that," I told him softly. "Tell me she's fine if she's not."
"She is fine… or she's getting there. My aunt passed away last February in a car accident; she was my mom's only sister, and my mom's really been trying. I think she's just still coming to terms with it, you know. She had a really long depressive episode at the end of last year. She's just still pulling together the pieces and trying to get out of that. She's on new meds and is back at work now and that feels like enough for me. We have food in the fridge and electricity, so everything's okay."
"Okay. I believe you." I wasn't sure I did. Food and electricity didn't feel like enough, but I could see why Felix thought they were.
"Thanks." He yawned with his whole body.
"You should probably get some sleep."
He was already falling back against his pillow and I pulled his blanket over him. "You know, this can go both ways." He snuggled into his blankets and his eyes drifted shut as he yawned again. "If there's anything you want to talk about, you can."
"Maybe when you're sober," I told him. Even if I had been ready to let someone into the chaos of my confusion, I definitely wasn't going to tell him when there was a chance he wouldn't remember. I didn't want that safety net. If I told him, I wanted to be sure I was ready. "See you tomorrow?"
"Uh huh." He yawned.
"Let me get you some more water." I didn't think Felix even heard me. I filled it up in the bathroom because that was closer. I shut off the light and closed his door before I retraced my steps to get out of his apartment. I froze when I accidentally knocked over a box. It didn't sound like anything broke inside, but I was sure I would've woken up his mom because it made such a loud thump. If I did wake her up, she didn't come out to see what it was.
My dad didn't even have words for me when I walked in. It was after 1 am, and I knew I was in a ton of trouble. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't know it was going to take so long to get home."
He just shook his head and said, "I'm not stupid. We'll talk about this in the morning."
"I, uh, got a job," I told him. "I'm gonna be working at a coffee shop, and I have my first shift in the morning. If you're gonna ground me, can you do it now?" I already wasn't looking forward to waking up in six hours, but I definitely wasn't going to wake up just to get yelled at. I'd rather get it over with.
He sighed. "Do you want to tell me where you really were?" he asked. He was giving me his disappointed dad look. If Benji thought I cracked quickly earlier… it had nothing on this. I never could resist that look. There was something particularly daunting about my dad being disappointed in me.
I looked at the floor. "We really were at that party, but I brought Felix upstairs when we got back. He was really drunk and has some stuff going on. He needed a friend, and I didn't want you to see him like that. I'm sorry."
"You make it really difficult to punish you, you know that? I'm proud of you for being there for your friend, but you can't lie to me. I need to know where you are."
I nodded. "I know. It won't happen again."
"Go get some sleep."
"I'm not grounded?"
He eyed me. "Do you want to be grounded?"
"No. I'm just surprised. I'm almost three hours past curfew. I thought you'd be really mad."
"I am, but I remember what it was like to be fifteen, believe it or not. You were just doing what you thought was right. Do it again, and I will tell your mother."
"It won't happen again," I promised. My mom would freak if she knew.
"I forgot to ask. How'd it go with that girl tonight?"
"Mia? We hung out a bit tonight. She's really nice. Hey, pop?" He tilted his head, so I continued, "how did you know that mom was the one for you?"
"I just knew."
"Yeah, but how? I like Mia, but how do I know if I like her as a friend or as something more?"
"For me, it was always about how connected I felt to your mom. You know we met working a crappy after school job. We always closed together which gave us a lot of time to talk and get to know each other, but I wanted more. I wanted as much time as I could get with her. And, as I got to know her more, it was never enough."
"Was there a moment that you were like, 'yeah. She's my person'?" I asked.
"I think after her grandfather died. She was telling me about him, and she started to cry. It made me cry. I never even met the guy, but I cared about your mother so much that her pain was my pain."
"Her pain was your pain," I said softly.
"Yeah. Only you know if you have that with Mia. I got lucky with your mother. It happened right away. It doesn't happen like that for everyone."
This was in no way helpful, but I nodded like that made total sense to me before I excused myself to my room. I texted Benji once I shut the door behind me. Thank you.
He answered almost immediately. Anytime :)
My dream that night was just as confusing as my day had been, and I woke up feeling every bit as tired as I'd been before I fell asleep.
I felt like I didn't really wake up until I began my walk to work. Once I was outside, the cool air really helped, but I still desperately needed some coffee.
God bless Benji because about thirty minutes into the most god-awful safety video I'd ever seen, he handed me a cold brew. "On the house," he assured me.
I sipped my coffee while I watched actors, who looked like they were straight out of an eighties movie, reenact workplace safety. It was all common sense, and I had no idea why Sarah made me watch it. I could only assume it was a requirement because I had to sign something saying I watched the whole thing.
It was nearly noon before Sarah was finished with me. She had thrown so much information at me, and I retained approximately none of it, so I thought Benji was going to have his work cut out for him.
Fortunately, he believed in teaching on the job, so he mostly supervised to make sure I was making everything correctly. It took actual effort to focus on the drinks and not on Benji, but I didn't want a repeat of my interview.
Fortunately for both of us, I managed to get through my first shift without spilling any milk on either of us. The worst that happened was that I knocked over an entire stack of cups and sent the lids flying but that only happened because I noticed a piece of paper on top of the espresso machine; it was my note. I was so sure of it. I had no idea how it got up there; maybe Benji had put it there while cleaning up yesterday and forgot about it.
I was so surprised to see it, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, and my hand changed trajectory, probably because part of me wanted to grab the note right away and it took me a solid second to decide that I needed to wait. It felt like a miracle that the note was sitting there, and I didn't want to risk that Benji would still find it. One close call was more than enough for me.
Benji essentially never let me out of his sight because of the whole he's-training-me thing. I tried to wait until he had to go into the back for something, but he always made me go with him because there was always more for him to tell me about. Refilling the mocha bottle turned into a whole thing about inventory and how we logged if something was almost out, so it could be added to the weekly order; washing the blender turned into a whole thing about where the supplies were kept for doing the dishes; him burning himself while making a cappuccino and needing to cover it turned into him showing me where the first-aid kit was and where we needed to fill out a report if we had a serious accident (only something that required us to end a shift early; he seemed doubtful that anything would happen but told me about it just in case); even him needing to wipe off his apron turned into a chance for him to tell me where the spare aprons were kept and a reminder that wearing an apron at all times was part of the health code.
I was beginning to worry that he wouldn't leave me alone until after our shift was over and, by then, there would be two new sets of eyes to notice me grabbing the note, but luck was in my favor. About fifteen minutes before the end of our shift, a customer spilled their coffee all over their table. I probably would've been the one to clean it up, but the customer was under the impression that it was somehow our fault – I wished I was joking, but he told us it happened because our cups weren't sturdy enough, so Benji decided to handle it.
The moment he was at the table, I grabbed my note and shoved it into my pocket. The relief I felt was unlike anything. I fixed it. All the panic and uncertainty I'd felt yesterday disappeared.
I started to wipe down counters for something to do when someone coughed to clear his throat. "Hey, man," I said when I saw Felix.
"Hey."
"What do you want?" I glanced at Benji to make sure he was far enough away. "I can make you something on the house."
"Can I get the usual?" he requested.
"It's my first day. I don't know what the usual is."
"Right. Right, right, right."
He didn't give me his order. "You good?" I asked uncertainly.
"Yeah. Totally."
"So… what do you want?"
"Can I get an americano with cinnamon?"
"On it."
It only took me a minute to make; it was one of the easier drinks to make because I didn't have to worry about milk. I passed it to him, and he took a sip. His eyes widened. "I think you found your calling."
"I just made an americano."
"Yeah, but this is perfect. Sarah tends to make it more bitter. That's why I get the cinnamon." He took another sip and closed his eyes. "I stopped by your apartment this morning. Your mom told me you were working. I didn't know you got the job."
"I take it you don't remember much from last night then?" I asked.
"I remember getting to the bus stop. After that… I don't know what's real."
"Why don't you –" I cut myself off as Benji walked over. "How'd it go?"
He made a face. "Being Assistant Manager sucks sometimes," he complained.
"What did he say?" I asked.
"What didn't he say?" Benji grumbled. He went to the register and typed in a code. "I'm comping his drink."
"But he's wrong," I protested.
"Yeah, but for my sanity, it's not worth the fight." He pulled out a dollar bill before he looked at me. "I'm trying to decide if I want to count out 323 pennies. The look on his face might make it worth it."
"Probably not. Besides, you'd just have to deal with him longer then."
"That's a good point." He pulled out what he needed and went back to the guy. The guy wasn't even nice about it; I could tell that from here. He took his money and practically stormed out.
"Five more minutes," Benji said when he got back. "Sorry. I should probably make working here look like it doesn't suck, right? Since it's your first day and all."
I snickered. "And Brasstown had so much going for it until you said that."
Benji turned his attention to Felix. "You look like you're feeling better."
"You saw me last night?" Felix asked surprised. "I don't remember seeing you at the party."
"I wasn't there," Benji agreed. "You missed the bus, so I helped Victor get you home."
"So, you got me into my apartment?" Felix's eyes widened.
"No. I'm assuming you got you into your apartment. Or Victor helped." He motioned toward me, and I was pointedly looking down at the counter as if I was particularly invested in making sure it looked pristinely clean. I wasn't even seeing the counter. I just knew that if Felix knew I saw his apartment, things were gonna get weird, so I was moving the towel in my hand in circles in order to look busy. "Um… okay." Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Benji look at me curiously; he decided to drop it. "You're feeling okay?"
"It was a little rough this morning, but someone left Tylenol and water out on my end table, so I feel fine."
Technically, I didn't leave Tylenol out. I just happened to find some off-brand pain reliever when I filled his water in his bathroom but that didn't feel like a worthy argument to make right now. "Good! I can't believe you don't remember seeing me," Benji observed.
"Yeah, well…" Felix shifted uncomfortably.
I decided to change the subject. "Does that mean you also don't remember me trapping you in Andrew's jacket?"
"How did you trap me in Andrew's jacket? And why?"
"You wouldn't stop poking me." I let myself sound just the slightest bit annoyed before I smiled at him to let him know I wasn't really mad. "So, I tied the sleeves behind your back."
"It was pretty funny," Benji agreed.
We spent a couple of minutes joking about that. I kept watching Felix to make sure he wasn't insulted, but he seemed to find it as comical as we had. Sarah arrived a few minutes later and asked Benji if he was up to working another hour because whoever was on shift with her was running late.
Benji agreed. "See you Monday."
I threw my apron into my locker before I left. Felix followed me out. "I'll walk you home," he offered. I wasn't surprised. I figured the whole reason he came here was because he wanted to talk.
"Cool," I agreed.
"How much did I tell you?" he asked. I guessed we were getting right to it.
"Um… you told me about your mom," I told him. "I don't know if there was more to tell, but you talked about what she's been going through."
He groaned. "I'm really sorry."
I stopped walking. "Why?"
He frowned. "Aren't you… I don't know."
"I don't know what you think I should be, but no. I'm sorry that this is what you've been going through, but you don't need to do this on your own," I told him. I looked at the ground while we walked. "I didn't really have many close friends in Texas. I had people that pretended to be my best friend, but no one that I've ever talked to like we talked last night. I kind of liked it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. I didn't know that I would like it, but it was nice to talk about the deep stuff too."
"No. I mean, you expect me to believe you didn't have friends in Texas?"
"I didn't. Not really. The people I was friends with, we mostly did stuff together. Played basketball or hung out on our phones."
"Huh." He looked confused for a second. "You came here, and you were so friendly. I just figured… I don't know. I guess I was scared that you'd find your crew and drop me. It's why I came on so strong."
"You did," I agreed. "But you were also really nice to me, and you forgave me when I lost it on you." I put my hands in my pockets, so I would stop fidgeting with them. "You're a good guy. You didn't really tell me much about what happened here. Just that you were bullied in the fifth grade, but I think Creekwood is missing out."
Felix sniffed. I couldn't help my chuckle as I thumped his back. "Okay. We're not gonna make this weird."
"I've never been weird. Ever. In my life," he said. "Hey, you dropped something." He scooped up the folded piece of paper that fell out of my pocket. "Who's A? Oh my God. Is this a love note?"
"What? No," I squeaked.
"Oh. Sincerely, Benji. I think you accidentally took his note." To Felix's credit, he didn't try to read what was in the note.
I snatched the note from his hand and stared at it. Even though Felix told me that it was signed from Benji, I still expected to see my handwriting; instead, I saw impeccably neat and tiny handwriting that started with, Dear A. Oh my God. Benji saw my note. More than that, he answered my note. Did he know? Or did he think that some random person left that note for him? Did I really get away with this? Or was he going to tell me he knew who I was in it.
I knew I couldn't read it right now, but I really, really wanted to know what was in it. "I'll, uh, make sure I get it back to him." I felt a little guilty about the lie, but even if Felix had drunkenly opened up about something really big, I didn't feel like I was ready to reciprocate. I thought that maybe I'd be able to tell him one day which was terrifying, but I couldn't give myself more than a maybe. "So, are we cool? You're okay with everything you told me?"
"Yeah, I guess. It's weird because I don't remember, and I feel like I should. It's been my biggest secret for such a long time."
"Tell you what. We'll pretend I don't know. And when you're ready, you can tell me again. And you can tell me whatever you want me to know however you want me to know."
"Can we do that?" he asked uncertainly.
"I don't see why not." I glanced at him. "Trust me, I get wanting to own your own story." I decided to change the subject. "So… when you're not getting drunk at stoplight parties, what do you do for fun?"
I was totally unprepared for him to tell me that he was a DJ. We spent the entirety of our walk talking about it. Apparently, he would be performing on Friday, and I promised him I'd be there to support him before I went into my apartment.
My mom had about a million questions about how my first day of work went. My dad obviously didn't tell her how late I was out. I loved talking to my mom, but part of my brain was in my pocket with that note from Benji. I desperately needed to know if he knew who I was.
I finally had the genius idea of telling her that I needed to shower. I did smell like an assortment of coffee and coffee products. When I got to the bathroom, I turned on the water and pulled the note out of my pocket.
Dear A,
Firstly, thanks for reaching out. Questioning your sexuality can be pretty terrifying, and I'm really glad you decided not to do this alone! I don't know who you are, but I'm here for you.
When I was still figuring my stuff out, I was a complete mess. I knew I was gay, but I didn't want to be, so I kept trying to convince myself that I could be straight… or that I could at least be interested in girls. This is all to say that I get how scary it can be to accept yourself for who you are whether that's gay or bisexual or straight or something else entirely. All I can say is take your time to figure this out, be transparent with the people helping you figure it out, and don't try to force anything that doesn't feel natural. You don't want to leave behind a string of regrets. Trust me.
Since you brought it up, I do remember Simon. I think I remember his story a little differently than you do. Even when I was in middle school, everyone was talking about it. Do you remember that? I just realized I don't actually know how old you are. If you're at the high school, you had to have been… what? Seventh or eighth grade. Or were you in high school already?
I remember being deeply closeted and suddenly being in this position where everyone around me was talking about the gay kid who had been outed. His emails were on creeksecrets at first and then were being sent around once that post was taken down. I think it's part of the reason I had such a rocky coming out. People talk about things differently when they don't think it matters to you… or maybe saying it doesn't matter is the wrong way to explain it.
When I came out to my parents, my dad asked me why I didn't tell them sooner. I did my best to explain it, but he didn't get it, and I've spent the past six months trying to figure out a better way to explain it. Imagine if you had a friend that ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every day and then they found out that you are allergic to peanuts, so they have to switch their lunch and stop eating peanut butter in front of you. That's what happened when people found out I was gay. When I was in the closet, I was hearing their unfiltered opinions, but then I came out and it's like the person that whispered about how Simon's declaration was a plea for attention or that it was gross that he was flaunting his love on creeksecrets pretended those words had never been spoken to me. I still remembered the peanut butter sandwiches, and I could never shake the feeling that, even if they weren't being eaten in front of me, they were still being eaten. I knew my parents, my friends, and my classmates were still eating peanut butter when I wasn't around and, even before I came out, I knew that was going to happen. I was ready for people to know, but I wasn't ready for that to mean that they were talking about me behind my back instead of to my face.
I don't know if you understand what I mean. It makes sense to me, but I've had a lot of time to wrap my head around it.
I remember how confusing everything was when I realized I was gay. I spent years trying to pretend I was straight or trying to convince myself that I could be happy with a girl. I'm not trying to imply that that's what you're doing with that girl. You could genuinely like her. Sexuality is a whole spectrum. It doesn't have to just be gay or straight. You can be attracted to this girl and still be attracted to guys. You're probably not going to like this, but you probably need to figure out if you actually like her or if you just want to like her. Don't be so eager to jump into the physical stuff to prove a point to yourself or to others because you'll just end up hurting yourself and her. Take it from someone with experience in that department – it's a long road to forgiving yourself when you betray the trust someone puts in you, and it takes you so much longer to pull yourself back together after something like that. I'm still on that road.
As for your first kiss question, I have to admit, I don't know. I had my first kisses pretty young, but I can say that it's when I kissed a guy for the first time that I realized it was possible to feel more, and I started to realize I might be gay. It's almost like all the kisses that came before that didn't matter. When I kissed a girl, it wasn't horrible. It was something I thought I could do again if I had to, but when I kissed a guy… it was so much more than butterflies or feeling okay about it. It made me want more.
I know you said you're not trying to come onto me, but I feel like I need to tell you that I have a boyfriend. I still hope you write back.
I can't promise that I'll be able to help you with everything. I don't know what it's like to have religious parents, and I dated the girls I did because I didn't want to be gay, not because I wasn't sure. Our stories may be different, but one thing that's the same is that this can be a terrifying and emotional process. I didn't have someone in my life that I could talk to when I realized I was gay, so if I can give that to you, I'd really like to.
Hang in there. I'm on your side.
Sincerely,
Benji
Somehow, reading the words, "I'm on your side" made me feel about 1000% less alone. I was feeling so many things – relief that he hadn't figured out I left the note behind after my interview debacle, panicked that he was right and I just wanted to like Mia, awestruck by his peanut butter analogy because it was weird but it also made me feel like he understood something that I was still trying to fully comprehend, terrified that I might need to let people help me figure out who I was, excited that I could keep talking to Benji, confused, and strangely at peace.
I read through the note one more time before I jumped in the shower. When I got out, Adrian roped me into playing Scattergories with him.
I didn't know when I would write back to Benji, but I didn't feel terrible about waiting. I wanted to be able to really focus when I wrote back to him, and I couldn't do that right now.
Soon though, I promised myself as I tucked his note into a shoebox in my closet. I'd write back soon.