The winds of Gagazet pierced deep.
Up the labyrinthine trail were the footprints of Kimahri, Rikku, Wakka and Auron. The blue Ronso carried a spear covered in dust, the Al Bhed blew her fringe out of her nose and yawned, the leader of the Besaid Aurochs spun his ball on his nose, and Auron sneezed at a pyrefly.
Ahead, were three distinct members of the vanguard, whom were hard pressed to fit into their role: Tidus, Lulu and Yuna.
"These old games suck ," said Tidus, his American accent strong. "Why do we gotta grind?"
Lulu, her long hair freed from its chopsticks, replied in a high pitched voice.
"I like these old games! They're really cool. But I don't see any representation ."
Yuna, her stance masculine, folded her arms. "Now you're just being stupid."
The snow burst a trifle. Tidus drew a sword coated in blood, Lulu performed a Trunks-style gesture with her open palms at the ready, and Yuna gripped her staff like a golf club.
From the rear, the other four took a load off and poured tea.
The snow burst into many flakes, and up floated a Grenade, a dark-eyed purple fiend which shimmered with fire energies, and which hungered to self-destruct after only two hits.
From its left, ambled forth a Nidhogg. Red-scaled and horned, its Breath hit all with room to spare. On the right sprung a Grat, writhing its plant tentacles, a seed emerging from its core, and the party of three winced.
Tidus, whose resilient attempts to win came from Dark Souls, spat at the snow.
"Let's do this!"
Lulu, who had switched her Moogle for a Salem-cat plushie, took a pose from Okoye of Wakanda, and in a high voice, pointed at the Grat.
"Kill it with fire!"
Yuna, whose hair was buzzcut short, curled her fists.
"As usual, my eons will save the day - "
From behind, the cry of four sipping tea came:
"Aeons!"
"... whatever."
Tidus, Lulu and Yuna took their stance, and then the battle began. The Grenade, hovering in the air, tumbled through the air to crash into Yuna.
"Dirty shitter!"
Lulu brought her hands down like a Spirit Bomb, and an Overdrive of Firas pummeled the Grat, and it held on only just. The Grat, replying in kind, shot a series of seeds at Tidus, who spun and buckled and became confused.
Tidus launched and struck Lulu, whose screech caused a short avalanche. Yuna grit her teeth.
"Focus, you idiots!"
The Nidhogg charged into Tidus, freeing him of Confusion, yet the horns cut deep. Yuna grimaced to see Tidus limping, Lulu breathing heavily, and knew she had to act.
She spun her staff.
"Come, o'mighty If-rit - "
From the rear: " If-reet! "
The ground shook, and Ifrit emerged, a bestial demon, corded muscles, fiery breath. Tidus and Lulu took refuge behind, and Yuna stood proudly beside.
"To quote Emperor Palpatine… I have the power!"
Tidus and Lulu: "That's He-Man!"
The Nidhogg charged, and Ifrit grunted; the Grenade tumbled into a tackle, and Ifrit was promptly healed. Ifrit spun in the air, landing a slash onto the Nidhogg, and then was pelted by seeds from the Grat.
Ifrit shook with magical energies and cast Fira, and the Grat fainted into pyreflies, and from afar, Auron sneezed.
The Nidhogg took a step back and used Breath, and Ifrit was promptly healed.
Yuna glanced to Lulu and Tidus.
"How bad is it that I want to keep battling, and prove how I save your asses each time?"
Lulu, whose posture was more like Rikku, waggled her finger.
"Just don't waste his Overdrive like you did against those three Grenades!"
Yuna shrugged, her posture masculine.
"How was I supposed to know they were Fire-type? I don't have a Pokedex!"
The Grenade cast Fira, and Ifrit was promptly healed. Ifrit spun in the air, and slashed upon the Nidhogg, who crumpled into pyreflies.
Yuna shrugged. "I could keep going… "
"No!" Tidus shivered, "I want a save sphere, and food!"
Yuna sighed and turned to the battle.
"Ifrit, Meteor Attack!"
The Grenade was blasted back, and grew a size. It pummeled into Ifrit, who only healed. Ifrit spun in the air, and the Grenade was injured again, floating near, trembling with excitement, and then in a burst of flame, Ifrit covered Yuna.
Neither were harmed.
"Finally!" Lulu squeaked, leading the way with Tidus.
Yuna followed with a sigh, and the four in the rear between them picked up the inventory assigned to them as default packmules.
The snowy trail twisted sharply upward, and a glowing blue save sphere spun outside a natural archway.
"Me, me!"
Lulu tripped in the snow, and Tidus touched the sphere. Their party was glowing blue and revitalised. He saved, and then ahead, they could see a sharp rise and then a plateau clearing leading around the side of the mountain.
"Thank fuck ," said Tidus, his accent strong. "Luckily I'm used to doing reps at my at home gym."
Yuna laughed, a strong noise from a petite girl.
"Yeah, right. I bet you eat Cheetos on the couch and don't hoover. Is that how you pronounce it?"
Lulu leapt to Tidus' side, batting her eyelashes like Misa Amane.
"He's strong, aren't you? We're going to meet in person one day. You weren't there, we discussed it."
Yuna stabbed her staff in the snow, running her fingers through her the sides of her buzzcut, and glaring at the pair ahead. From behind, Wakka, Kimahri, Rikku and Auron caught up.
Yuna took an aggressive step forward.
" No . No more cutscenes! I'll skip if I have to."
The four looked confused. Yuna turned, and shivering in the cold, her boots full of snow, she ran to reach Tidus and Lulu, who were halfway across the plateau.
She saw movement and quivered. A blue-haired man stood at the edge of the plateau.
"Ah. The daughter of Braska."
Tidus spun and gaped. Lulu gave a shrill cry and clutched Tidus, who shook her off. Yuna, her hands numb, gripped her staff.
Seymour, smiling, turned to Tidus.
"And the son of Jecht. Now is your time to die - "
Tidus came out of his stupor.
"We killed you, you stupid fucker! To quote that British spy, why won't you die!?"
Seymour laughed, and from the rear there were footsteps.
"Save some for Kimahri!"
Kimahri drew his seldom-used spear. At this, Yuna gave a genuine smile, her face relaxing into taut nerves. Tidus eyed Seymour's maester's robes. Lulu, with big eyes, clutched her Salem-doll.
"Allow me to say something to the last Ronso," Seymour raised his chin, "Yours was… a gallant race - "
Yuna, Tidus and Lulu stared.
" - they themselves at me to bar my path - "
Seymour raised his hand into the air.
" - one… after another - "
Seymour brought his arm down, making a fist. He laughed, and Tidus' strong accent rang out.
"Fuck yoooou !"
Tidus ran with his sword on high, his feet trying to speed as though in an anime, and then the cliff edge began to glow in a column of light, and an obscene metal embrace rose behind Seymour.
"Pitiful mortal."
Seymour rose into the air, a core of magic glowing.
"Your hope ends here - "
Seymour was drawn into the many-limbed unit and a flash of light saw Seymour blue-skinned with the longest of spears hovering in the unit above the three of them.
" - and your meaningless existence with it!"
Yuna was trembling, she glanced to Lulu who turned and ran into an invisible wall. Tidus bent over and vomited.
"Don't do anything , guys," Tidus shook, with Lulu and Yuna running to his side, "If we just wait - "
Lulu went pale and shook Tidus's neck like Homer Simpson.
"I - want - off - this - mountain!"
Tidus and Lulu turned to Yuna.
"Use your eons !"
Yuna grit her teeth and stepped back. She spun her staff, and Bahamut spun out of the rainbow sky and landed. Their relief was palpable; Tidus cracked a grin and Lulu hugged him.
"Use his overdrive! He banished them last time!"
Yuna glared. "How could I forget."
Bahamut rose into the sky, a backflip and a whirring of his back glyph.
"Take it all!" Tidus thrust with his crotch.
"Kamehameha!" Lulu cried, waving her hands like Gary Oak's cheerleaders.
Yuna looked Seymour in the eye.
"Die, you fucking cunt and never come back!"
Bahamut released a blast from his mouth which toppled Seymour and the thing on which it sat, and Seymour shook himself a little. The thing absorbed energy from Seymour and recovered.
"Bullseye!" cried Lulu, quoting Tea Gardner, "For friendship!"
Seymour raised his spear and stabbed Yuna in the shoulder. She grunted and Lulu hurried to help her up. Tidus blanched.
"You're green… "
The thing supporting Seymour quivered, and then a column of light descended, and Yuna slumped in the snow.
"Lord Jesus Christ… "
Tidus fumbled in his pocket, shaking.
"We're out!"
Lulu blanched. "Don't look at me - I didn't spend all the gil!"
Tidus raised a finger.
"You should be learning white magic by now, too!"
"Don't You Yell At Me!"
Tidus turned slowly to Seymour.
"Hastega!"
Tidus did a breakdance and Lulu spun like a top. Lulu stopped, and aimed a punch-fist in Seymour's direction.
"Overdrive - Thundara!"
Several bolts of lightning struck Seymour and the thing at random. Tidus leapt into the air, spinning several times, and kicking a ball into the thing's face.
Lulu concentrated, and swung her arms down.
"Hiyah!"
Seymour became poisoned. Tidus took a deep breath, and leapt at Seymour.
"Delay Attack!"
Seymour grunted, and grinned. He moved forward anyway, Tidus' eyes widened and then he yelped as the spear impaled him and he glowed green.
The thing waited ominously.
"No!" Lulu began to shake. "Revive her!"
"We - don't - have - enough - Phoenix - "
"Don't Yell At Me!"
Lulu pulled out a Remedy, and chucked it onto Tidus. His colouring became normal, and Tidus slashed at the thing , which absorbed energy from Seymour, who smirked.
He raised his hand, and Lulu gasped to see the prisms shattering around her, and Tidus felt his feet weighed down in the snow.
Both he and Lulu were now, no more quicker than Seymour was. The thing began to quiver.
Lulu and Tidus glanced at each other, seeing no green, and laughed.
"Ah- ha !" Lulu leapt. "We've confused its timing!"
Tidus froze and Lulu stared.
The thing drew two large swords from its back, performed a large backflip, and its swords carved fiery fissures in the snow.
Lulu crumpled in the snow and Tidus stared up at the sky.
" No way… "
He struggled to move, every inch of him pushed, he could feel the blood in his ears. He pushed himself up, saw Yuna covered in snow and Lulu becoming covered, and Tidus, with wracking pain, touched the sensor on his sword and aimed it at Seymour.
Tidus lay back in the snow and squeezed his eyes. He pulled himself up, biting his tongue, spitting out blood, leaning on his sword. He blinked back tears and went for it.
He stood and ran, and then there was a thud to his right.
A blue police call box was wedged in the snow at an angle, and opened. Three people came out.
" - I'm just sahy-ing," spoke Other-Yuna, in a faux-British accent, wearing summoner's garb, "It cahn't hurt to try. I bet Botta's a good fuck."
Other-Auron scoffed in a female voice, "You're such a slut. You'd get pregnant from any cockney accent."
"Wha-zz-ap?" spoke Other-Rikku, in as masculine a voice as possible, wearing the scantiest of clothing.
Tidus stared at the three of them.
Other-Yuna headed towards the battle waving her arms in floating motions with her staff up high, smiling. Other-Rikku held her breasts and tried to jiggle her own face in them. Other-Auron hefted her sword over her shoulder and turned to Tidus.
"Why aren't you winning?"
Seymour laughed menacingly. "Oh, but this will be fun ."
Tidus dry swallowed and turned to the three.
"I've got to have your help, I'll do anything."
Other-Yuna covered her mouth and giggled. She stood beside Tidus who blushed. Other-Auron dug into the folds of her coat and pulled out an X-Potion.
Tidus sighed, relieved.
"Thanks, that'll help a lot - "
Other-Auron turned and chucked the X-Potion at Seymour. Seymour flexed with a smile, and Tidus leapt at Other-Auron.
"You crazy bitch!"
Tidus held the broken remnants of his sword. He slowly glanced up to Other-Auron, who adjusted her coat.
"Otherwise it's not a fair fight. You know, like Goku did to Cell."
Other-Rikku dug into both pockets in her hot pants, and slammed her palms together with glee.
"Go, go, gadget Final Elixir!"
Tidus felt himself uplifted, he saw Yuna and Lulu rising from the snow, and he flexed his muscles with a smile. Yuna and Lulu brushed snow off their clothes, blinking and staring.
Other-Yuna stared at Yuna, horrified. "What did you do to my hair ?"
Yuna, taking a masculine stance, ran to Tidus' left, and Lulu ran and hugged Tidus. The three of them stepped forward, but Other-Auron shook her head.
"You'll just get in the way ."
Familiar battle music played
Tidus stepped back in awe, Lulu holding his arm and Yuna defiant.
Other-Auron slung her sword off her shoulder, wielding it with one hand. Other-Rikku made a pose.
Yuna stepped forward. "Do you have eons ?"
Other-Yuna glanced over her shoulder.
"Oh, puh-leese. We do not need aeons."
Yuna stepped slowly back, Tidus and Lulu gripped hands.
Other-Yuna closed her eyes. "How I love the snow… "
Seymour raised his spear, and stabbed Other-Yuna in the shoulder. She dusted the snow off the blood on her garb.
Lulu gasped. "She's not green!"
Other-Rikku ran up to Seymour, leaping into the air, and slashed the thing . The thing quaked and absorbed Seymour's health.
Tidus stared. "In one hit!?"
The thing drew a pair of large swords from its back, and Tidus and Lulu pulled Yuna down for cover. Seymour did a large arcing back flip, a searing sword-cross cut across the snow.
Tidus, Yuna and Lulu glanced up, spitting out snow.
Other-Yuna shook out her hair, Other-Auron adjusted her glasses, Other-Rikku yanked his g-string more comfortably.
"How?" Yuna shouted.
Other-Auron yawned.
"Give me your best shot, Vegeta-Pie. Like Final Flash."
Other-Rikku grinned in a un-Rikku like way. Yuna twirled, watching the sleeves of her garb twist and turn.
Seymour laughed and began to quake.
Lulu covered her mouth but for a few fingers.
"You'll Kill Us All!"
Seymour glowed in four places and shot bright magical energy out, fired rockets from beneath which soared and struck the three-Others, then flew into the sky for a final crash and settled back into place.
The snow continued to fall. Tidus, Lulu and Yuna got to their feet.
Other-Yuna inspected a broken fingernail. Other-Rikku licked her lips at his torn shirt. Other-Auron tossed aside her broken glasses.
" Enough ."
Other-Auron strode forward, menacingly and without pause, and Seymour, stricken with fear, was parting in two, at the conclusion of Auron's swipe. A sudden flash of energy, and Seymour was crashing below, combusting, and the snow continued to pelt them.
Other-Auron turned back, and dusted off her coat.
"Oh My God!"
Lulu leapt from Tidus to Other-Auron.
"You Are Amazing - "
"Ew. Get off," Other-Auron pushed Lulu away. "I'm not really a guy."
Other-Rikku jumped up and down and did obscene victory poses while looking at himself. Other-Yuna spun over to Tidus, rubbing her head. Tidus was in awe.
"You guys have to come along."
Yuna laughed spiritedly.
"You did say you'd do anything."
Tidus glanced at Yuna. "I did?"
Yuna, smirking, folded her arms. Tidus looked back at Other-Yuna.
"Um, but I'm American."
Other-Yuna took Tidus' arm, while Lulu scampered after Other-Auron, and Other-Rikku chucked a Megalixir in the air and everyone grew healthier. Other-Yuna smiled.
"Well, I do prefer chavs, but I have a picture in my head of how Americans are - tall, muscled, and they take charge , ha-ha-ha. Do you take charge?"
The winds of Gagazet were no longer so cold, as the party trekked their way into a cave…