((Thanks everyone for the reviews. Truly, I appreciate them!))
"I-I've been hit." He says in slow, gasping breaths. Sleep was one of the great trials of his life, a deep endless abyss where his demons come out to play. Most days he could sleep soundly, even without medicating himself with alcohol. Other days, he was better off just staying awake. "They're getting closer." He struggles against the bed sheets, shimming himself up the mattress till he meets the headboard. "Where...is…the QRF?"
With each toss and turn, Zachary's grunts become more audible. One by one, the women each pick their heads up helpless to do anything as the scene unfolds.
"Oh Zack." Monika averts her gaze.
"What's wrong with him?" Natsuki looks around panicked, unsure of what to make of it. "He needs help." Yuri responds softly.
Sayori is the only one who doesn't watch, favoring the security of her blanket, eyes clenched tight as she desperately tries to blot out her friends suffering.
"There's another man down. H-help him."
What do I do?
What do I do?
What can I do?
Footsteps, the bedroom door opens followed by the rapid pattering of more movement. The distant sounds of water valves rotating, water sloshing, and labored breath mixed with the pained man struggling to find peace.
"Wake up!" Natsuki could be heard shouting followed by the startling splash of cold water.
"Ahh! AHH!" Zachary presses his back against the wall, his eyes forced wide open as the lights flicker on. He huffs his wild eyes darting from every corner of the room, the look of agony and terror painted obviously on his face.
"Where am I? Where's my squad?" Natsuki reaches out but Zachary pulls away even more, sitting up right, hugging the wall as much as recoils, visibly distraught over it. "You're home. You're here! Surrounded by people who care." Monika is the next to approach, but he shies away from her too.
"Home?" Zachary's breathing is still short, quick, tense. He's not emerged from this latest episode. Sayori finally summons the strength to get up.
"Yes. You're home." She says facing him. She approaches just to the edge of the bed. "Sayori, don't." Yuri tries to stop her, but the smaller woman waves her away.
"Zachary, look at me." Sayori says, he obliges. "Remember in school when I mentioned my rainclouds?" He nods. "It would get so bad. Life was essentially meaningless to me. Even the presence of my best friend couldn't bring me out of it. That was until…" She pauses, the traumatic experience she herself dealt with clearly left its own mark. She shakes her head. "…I'm a strong person now. And that was because of you. After you left, those feelings tried to come back. But I realized I had to be self-reliant. I couldn't depend on others to make life meaningful to me."
"Zachary. You are my dearest friend. I see you suffering, and it hurts. It hurts and I don't know how to help you." Sayori hesitantly reaches out to him, her delicate arms slowly wrap around his head. Zachary doesn't resist, though it's hard to say what exactly he's thinking. She draws his head to her chest in a tight embrace. "You're not a 'monster'. I may not understand exactly what you went through, what you continue to go through, but I don't believe you've done those things without a reason."
"Please God, I want it to stop."
"Like Monika said before, we will help you."
"Please, I just want it to stop." He sounds almost catatonic at this point. The tension carried such weight it was hard to tell where the cold water ended, and his own terror sweat began. Sayori squeezes him tighter, but he doesn't reciprocate. That's okay, she thought. Just let him know you're here. She nestles her face into his hair and strokes the back of his head.
"I think I can sleep now." He finally says. The rest of the women exchange unconvinced looks and reluctantly nod. The lights come off, but Sayori does not let go. "Go to bed." He says, half muffled by her chest and arms. She gives a final squeeze, places a light peck on his head before letting go and wrapping herself up on the floor again.
Zachary reaches around on his nightstand, grasps his earbuds and pulls out his phone as he faces the wall, completely unencumbered by the cold kiss of water soaked into his mattress. I've slept on the ground in a hurricane. This is nothing. He scrolls through his playlist, music became his friend during rather lonesome nights when things seemed their bleakest. Even the darker more depressing songs seemed to be the appropriate pick-me-up depending on what was happening. The lyrics play in his mind, lulling him into a slumber. His arm drops, pulling the earphone jack from its socket, the song reverberates throughout the bedroom.
You said when i came home
I tried to put myself back together
The war is still going on
Now my brother is still in danger
Now I'm the soldier
And the tradition runs deep
I gave them my body
Now my memory won't let me sleep
Now I lay beside you
And when you touch me
I feel I don't deserve you
That's when you remind me
The women grumble at the noise yet settle down as the song plays. The lyrics are foreign, heart aching, but somehow soothing. Maybe it's because it's his song? Maybe it expressed the feelings and torment he goes through? Such an insight couldn't be impeded on. They listened intently as the song played on.
I say how could you love me
When you know where I've been
How could you love me
When you know where I've been
"Because I do."
The following days were filled with a brighter and better mood. Zachary had reluctantly agreed to figuratively spill his guts out in front of other battle worn Veterans expressing similar issues with their return to civilization. Since the first meeting, the night terrors and triggers were slightly less persistent. The change wasn't immediate, though it was noticeable enough to where Zachary was more approachable. This was a journey that required commitment, perhaps there was a way he could sort it out, he respectfully declined the from his old Team Leader. The offer remained opened however, whenever he changed his mind.
For the first time in a long time, he took a hike, a nighttime hike along one of the many trails precariously hidden throughout town. Why he hadn't noticed them before he couldn't say. The fresh air filled his lungs, mind, and body with a vigor he thought was since lost. A small beginners walk, 4 miles with steady inclines. The peak oversaw the houses, the school, the general peaceful tranquility of where he grew up.
Zachary sets himself down over the slopped cliff, packing a simple sandwich he had packed. The summer breeze was soothing at night, made the food and the beers he took with that much savory. "Man, I needed this." He says aloud as he takes a swig and another bite.
"Ah ha!" Monika reveals herself as she climbs the summit.
He beats his chest as the sandwich forces its way down the wrong tube. After a minute of working his way through the near-death experience, he looks over at her with a red face and expressed with strained breath, "You scared the shit outta me." He drinks again to remove any straggling food.
Monika laughs nervously, feeling bad at her rather careless prank. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. Well, I did but didn't mean for you to choke." Zachary waves her down with a half-hearted grin. "It's fine really. You got me good." He chuckles. She sits down beside him to share the view.
"It's beautiful out here."
"Yes it is."
"How are you holding up?" She turns her gaze to him, his still fixed on the overwatch. "Baby steps. Crawl, walk, run is the motto. Right now, I'm crawling." Monika nods and inches closer. "But, enough about my bullshit. Don't let that interfere with your guys' lives." He turns to her. "How's being a Teacher?"
"Zachary."
"Can you answer my question?"
She frowns and gives a soft sigh. "Being a Teacher is wonderful. Imparting knowledge upon young minds, teaching them how to think critically. It's hard but rewarding." She smiles. The man nods. "I've developed a strong love for reading. Learning about the world and different places, I even traveled a bit over the past few years."
"Sounds like an adventure. I'm proud of you."
She shuffles a bit closer, almost bumping into his shoulder. "It was." Monika pauses, looks down, then back at Zachary. "Zachary…" she says.
"Yeah?"
"What made you return here?" He smirks. The question didn't completely catch him off guard. The whole time he'd been home that question gnawed at the back of his head. "I suppose I wanted some familiarity. I've seen the absolute worst Humanity has to offer. But I've also seen the best. That sort of tug of war made me yearn for a simpler time, I guess? I thought I'd have that comfort, the feeling as if everything is just going to be alright." A humorless chuckle, he stares intently at the sloping cliff. "Boy was I ever wrong."
"…"
"I know I'm still young. But I feel as though I've been through everything this gauntlet called Life has had to throw at me. I've lost great friends, dear friends. It's hard Monika. It's really hard." She reaches for his hand and grasps it.
"You're not alone Zack." She says, tightening her grip. He shakes his head. "I know I'm not. That's not it though. I can't explain it, I just got this feeling deep in the pit of me and it's clawing at my insides." He grasps her hand in his and looks affectionately into her eyes with a warm smile. "Thanks for being here. I truly appreciate it."
She leans in. He turns his head as the kiss plants on his cheek. "What are you doing?" He says in a low plain tone. "I-I..." She stammers, fumbling for the words to say, her face glowing red with embarrassment.
"That's not what I'm here for. There's too much for me to sort out before I even think about romance. Besides…" He gets up, finishes off the beer before stuffing the bottle into his bag. "…none of you want someone like me. "
"Wh-what? N-n-no th-that-"
"I know you all are curious if there's still something there. You've made it painfully obvious, your intentions to know if that old spark from back then still exists." He sighs before pulling out his second bottle and starts chugging. "Maybe it is. Part of me wants it. This just isn't the time right now."
He starts walking back down the trail. "If ya'll want to help me through this; then stow your feelings away because it isn't helpful."
Monika stares at the ground, tears welling up. How could I be so dumb? She prided herself on being the rational one in the Club when it was still active. The one who people could go to for advice, answers on a test, study habits. Zachary was an old crush to be sure, and they hung together outside of school and Club. Back then she couldn't make heads or tails of her feelings towards him. She dated occasionally, but even more the serious relationships with other boys could never hold a candle to the enjoyment she got from being around him.
When he left after Graduation, her rational mind kicked into overdrive, and she buried herself into her studies and work. For 3 years all she could think about was doing her job, establishing her career, and preparing her future with someone who could love her back. Rationality, reason, logic¸ all of it went straight out the door on the day she learned of his return. Yeah, I'm in love with him alright. She laughs to herself, wiping the tears away. She takes a moment to collect herself before standing up. He's right. What he needs are for us to be there for him. Getting our personal feelings involved only complicates it. Monika smiles, some stray tears still find their way down her cheeks.
((Thank you all for your patience. I want this story to go on for a while. There's so much to write about I can't fathom ending it anytime soon.))