Sayori had just left the clinic, her shift completed; a slow, but productive day. The past month and some change saw a renewed vigor in her. Her friends were around more, their company providing a warmth she felt was forgotten. Sure, coworkers were fun to talk to though they tended to be slightly older than her with different priorities or they liked to party living that "single life". She opted for a more routine lifestyle; writing, sleeping, eating, working, hanging out with the dedicated group of friends she has known for years. Some would say her life was dull not her though. To Sayori, she was fulfilled.
"Fulfilled" isn't one-hundred percent true. She never actually moved out of her childhood home herself, and her ability to juggle household duties when off duty left much to be desired. She yearned for a house, a home, and children to call her own. It was moments when she would return to her cluttered bedroom, she pondered whether her neglect of home life repelled men away. True her dependency on others had weaned to the point she could handle disputes herself, stand her ground when it mattered, and just have a sense of self-respect laced with dignity. There's more to that though, right? Was it something else? Since the day she witnessed her childhood friend walk up the cement pathway, her heart thrashed against her chest. It was as if nothing else in the world truly mattered, now she was truly home.
Sayori didn't like thinking about this, refused to think about it. All it did was bring back the painful memory of entering his bedroom and finding not even a note. His worldly possessions exactly as he left them, phone calls and texts went unanswered. It was as if he just vanished. It had been two days since she last heard from him, the parallels in her mind were striking. Did he leave again? This was getting too out of hand for her, it was one thing to support Zachary while he sorted out his pain, but this going silent act was a bridge too far. "Why am I doing this to myself?" She says aloud as he approaches her street. "Hanging on to him? He doesn't even notice me." She bites her lower lip, a group of people can be seen just in front of their houses. Am I wasting my time?
"Zachary come on, let's go back inside." Monika pleads. The man visibly in distress shambles around the front yard dodging and weaving through their grasps. "Let's all go out. Oh! We can do Karaoke!" He laughs in an almost maniacal manner. "I'll drive!" Natsuki grazes his arm and he jerks back, stumbling against the hedges. "Don't fucking touch me!"
"This isn't good. Someone's bound to be calling the police."
"Yuri, not now! Hurry!"
"I'll get his legs!"
Sayori pulls over just in time to watch her three friends wrestle the much stronger man to the ground. "W-what's going on?" She jumps from the drivers seat onto the scene. Neighbors start coming outside to check on what's going on. "Help us get him inside!" Monika commands. Together, they begin to haul him to the front door.
"Let me go goddammit! Just leave me alone!" The four women struggle against his chaotic flailing. Getting passed the front door seemed to be the easy part, navigating the narrow entryway into the living room was a bigger obstacle.
"Zachary, stop it!"
"Asshole is so damn heavy and strong! The hell did they feed you?"
"Fuck off, all of you."
Monika grits her teeth; almost as if Natsuki could read her mind the two let go of him. Yuri and Sayori are unable to support him, he slips through their grip. The man lands with a heavy thud. He groans as his head whacks against the wooden floor. "What the hell has gotten into you?" Monika asks as she huffs. Zachary wreaked of alcohol. "Let's get you to the couch." She looks over at the other women, Natsuki recoils slightly causing her to raise a brow in suspicion.
After a moment of being sprawled on the floor, he nods slowly. They each grab and arm and walk him to the couch. He hunches forward with this face buried in his hands. "I feel like shit."
"You look like it too." Natsuki retorts.
"What on Earth has happened to you?" Yuri looks at him intently as she gestures for Sayori to grab a glass of water. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Is it because of Myer?"
"What?"
"Nat-"
"I don't want to pussyfoot around with this! Stop avoiding us and just talk about it. I was there when you got the call."
The glass of water is placed right next to him when Natsuki finishes her interjection. Sayori, Monika, and Yuri all look at him puzzled. Zachary sighs heavily and leans back looking completely defeated. "My best friend, team leader, and mentor stopped by about a month ago at my request." He says, shifting his weight as he grabs the water. "We talked for-I don't know how long, and he offered me a job. Would have paid well too eventually." He downs roughly half the glass. "Anyways, I tell him I still got some stuff I'm sorting out, said the offer was still there if I changed my mind. Well about two days ago I get a call from his wife, Miranda, saying that Staff Sergeant Myer, my friend, committed suicide while his wife and kids were out."
The four women look at each other and then stare at him; expressions of hurt, shock, sadness all displayed. "And it left me asking myself 'where does that leave me'?" Monika sighs and opens her mouth to respond, "Zachary, I'm sorry for what you're going through. I'm sorry for what you had to go through. I can't imagine it. But you have so much here, people who love you and care for you."
"And he didn't?" Zachary retorts. "The man had it made! Wife? Kids? Self-employed. His life was great. If he can't pull through, then what chance do I have?" Sayori covers her mouth and turns from him, Yuri is at a loss for words herself, the other two just sit there and look at him with pained expressions.
"I have…" he stops, tears welling up in his eyes as he fights back the sobs "…at least a hundred thoughts like that every single day. Sometimes I feel like it's only a matter of time before I act on one of them." He wipes his cheeks with an open palm. "I-I want to just have peace already. And I thought I was making progress. I really did believe that. Then this happened and…" He shakes his head in frustration.
"You're a jerk Zachary." Sayori finally says, the only one who really hadn't said anything during this whole exchange.
"Me?"
"Yes. You. How could you possibly be thinking of something like that?" Her voice gets progressively louder, the other three women have a look of concern and fright. "What happens then? Huh? You die and what? What are we, no, what am I supposed to do then?" For the first time in a while, he was truly at a loss for words himself.
"Well? Answer me!" Sayori demands.
"Now just-"
"Monika, no! I don't want to go through with this again. You walked out of our lives Zachary. My life, and you want to do it again…permanently!" She begins to sob heavily. "I can't do it anymore. You just left the first time without saying a word. Without even asking if I could come with you, and then I didn't hear from you for two days. No answer from your phone, and the key wouldn't work. I thought you left me again." The other girls each work to comfort her as each cry sounds like agonizing pain. Monika keeps Zachary in her peripherals as she consoles her friend. Tears of her own begin to flow. "I'm just tired of you disappearing and feeling alone. I care about you too much."
"I never said I wanted to 'do it'. God…" Zachary stops, thinking carefully about what he decides to say, "…maybe me coming back was a mistake." His voice teeters off into a mumble. He now draws Monika's full attention. "Why would you say that?"
"Think about it for once. I came here thinking civilian life would be good for me. All I did was up-end everyone else's relative stability. On top of that, my own issues are stalling you out. I don't want that. Ever since my first episodic breakdown, I've only felt like a burden on the rest of you and I hate myself for it." He sighs and pulls out his phone. "During my days long drunken stupor, I recorded myself. It's a little exercise my focus group suggested. I haven't heard it, but I vaguely remember recording it."
Natsuki, Yuri, and Monika are all looking at him, Sayori refuses to meet his gaze though her crying fit subsided. "I wanted to delete it because, well I'm scared to hear it. Now though," he swallows heard, his breathing unusually heavy, "I k-kinda want to play it. If you all want to."
Everyone except for Sayori nods. Zachary returns with a nod of his own, he shuffles through his phone, eye balling through the contents, his drunken daze making his movements clumsy and slow. "Okay here it is." He pushes play.
-start of recording-
"Is this thing recording? Okay. Man this feels so stupid, and I am waaaay too wasted right now to be doing this, but whatever. *distorted laughter*
"So, I'm supposed to be vocalizing my thoughts and my feelings too, I guess. So here it goes. My name is Zachary, I'm 21 years old, and I served for 3 and a half years in the Army under the Ranger Regiment. I did two combat tours…ugh this is so stupid! I think I'm doing this wrong. Whatever."
*heavy breathing into the microphone*
"When I decided to get out, I thought it would be good for me ya know? I wanted to be 'done' with the Army. I wanted a normal life. Settle down, get married, raise a family. Live The Dream. Unfortunately, life didn't pan out that way. Ever since I came back, it's just been one shit show after another. I've had my PTSD get triggered on at least one account I can readily recall, and basic adult functions were too stressful for me to even think about. It was like I reverted to a child."
*more laughter and something that sounds liquid sloshing followed by a soft clanking of glass*
"I served my country, I fought for my country. I should be proud. Hell, when I was in Basic Training, my Drill Sergeant asked me why, at 18, I decided to enlist. My idiotic self said, 'I wanted adventure.' Man did I ever get one. I have wonderful friends who want to be there for me. They're like family, and I push them away even when we're hanging out. One of them tried to kiss me and I pulled away. Am I even ready to date? Should I? With everything going on, do I even want to? I see everything I've accomplished, everything I have, and I feel like I don't deserve it."
*voice starts to shake, sniffling can be heard*
"I-lost my best friend. A man who understood me better than a lot of people I've met. H-he had kids and I don't know what I should be doing about that. I lost my girlfriend on my last Tour. She was a medic, and she was on patrol with another unit. Vehicle went up like a bottle rocket I heard. God, I wanted to see what was left of her, but they wouldn't let me. I was gonna marry that girl, have a family with her. Now? She's gone."
*distorted noises due breathing on the mic* It just seems like whenever things finally start to get on track, it just blows up in my face. So maybe it's better that I'm just isolated. Or maybe I should just re-enlist, bury myself in Army things and forget I'm even human. Maybe I should just…end…it all."
*more heavy breathing*
"Th-that's, yeah I think that's all."
-end of recording-
Zachary's eyes never left the phone. Their eyes never left him. He starts to chew the interior of his mouth, never turning his sights on anyone or anything else. "Huh." He says finally. "That definitely doesn't sound like me."
"Everyone slips up when they're getting help." Yuri begins to talk, her voice is slow, words deliberate. "That's why we try to support you. There's no reason for you to be doing this in solitude."
"But understand this." Monika interjects. "We aren't going to 'babysit' you. I know we each had our own issues, and we all worked together to resolve them and move forward. That doesn't mean you can just sit around waiting for someone to rescue you."
"I wouldn't dare." Zachary responds.
"Good." She leaves Sayori's side and kneels in front of him, her hand placed affectionately on his knee. "If you think of re-enlisting, there will be hell to pay." She whispers to him with a devilish smile. "Unless you take me with you." She winks. Monika stands up and rejoins the group. "You've done so much Zachary. Maybe we don't understand what Military Service means, but from what I understand, that's something to be proud of. Not many have done what you have, nor would they dream of it. You still have a whole future ahead of you full of adventure. You just need to see what's in front of you…" Monika helps Sayori to her feet now, the rest stand up as well, "…and seize it."
((Yeah things are rough. But I think things will mellow out and we'll have some heartwarming scenes. But ya know, a Combat Veteran's journey home is never easy.))