Disclaimer: I don't own the show or characters.
Author's Note: I finished watching the third season of Dead to Me today and was left feeling saddened by the ending. I really adored the relationship between Jen and Judy, something about it seemed so pure-despite the fact that how they met was based on quite a bit of fucked up circumstances. There's no denying those two are soulmates. Anyway, I decided I'd try writing a little one-shot (or ficlet, rather) about them. Definitely based off the last season. This is now complete as three-shot.
She Didn't Have Cancer
Shadows in her liver.
That certainly wasn't anything to be worried about. They were just in a car accident. Surely, those shadows were some sort of remnant from the accident. She didn't have cancer. Shadows did not mean cancer.
A smile was pursed to her face throughout dinner the evening after she and Jen had gotten home from the hospital. After Jen revealed to her the results of her CT scan. Judy forced the smile to remain on her face despite the trepidation and anguish nestling its way into her chest. She did not have cancer. Those pamphlets sitting in the pocket of her jeans were only a precaution. Having them in her possession didn't mean she actually had fucking cancer. She couldn't. She was the healthiest she'd ever been. If cancer were the cause of those shadows lurking inside her liver surely she'd have had some physical manifestation of it by now. But she didn't. So, that had to mean whatever it was wasn't cancer.
The entire meal went by and it wasn't until the boys had excused themselves that Judy finally realized she had yet to even touch the plate in front of her. She shifted her head down onto it and sighed at the cooked ham and potatoes spread before her. It smelled so delightful. And though her smile remained, she felt anything but delightful in that moment. Shadows and cancer and the damn car accident were the only things swiping through her mind. Maybe that was exactly what she'd deserved after breaking Jen's family apart. Maybe the shadows in her liver were punishment for all her wrongdoings.
"Hey, Jude?"
Her mind finally calmed enough for her eyes to dart up at who finally was able to bring her out of it.
Jen stared back at her, worried lines heavily creased on her forehead. She hadn't seen Judy this quiet—well, ever. It wasn't natural for Judy to sit there in silence. To not utter even a word. Jen felt an intense bout of uneasiness plague her to come to such conclusion.
Widening her smile, Judy reached for her wine glass and took a sip. As she swallowed the liquid down, she was surprised at how parched she'd been. She didn't even notice she was until now. All the worrying, the thinking—all of it had consumed her. It made her lose awareness of the here and now. She swallowed thickly and did her best to gradually return to reality. A rather uncertain reality, she now deemed.
"Yeah, uh, what'd you say? I didn't hear you," she finally mumbled back.
The blonde nodded knowingly and reached a hand across the table to rest on Judy's cheek. Blue eyes peering fiercely into brown ones. It formed a deep ache inside her chest to watch the agonizing behavior Judy was displaying. She bit down on the corner of her mouth and wished they could go back to the morning—go back to before they got in the damn car and ended up in yet another hit-and-run at the fucking stop sign Jen specifically had put in to prevent the very incident that now had them awkwardly sitting at the dinner table wishing hadn't happened.
Both exhaled a deep breath.
That smile on Judy's face wasn't a normal one, Jen simply determined the more she examined it. Judy didn't know how to not smile even when things were so fucked up that only God knew if there was a way out or not. If there was a God, Jen corrected her thought. She ran her thumb lightly around the flesh of Judy's cheek. "I know. You've been kinda preoccupied it seems—you haven't even eaten any of your dinner. Are you okay? Are you thinking about the shadows?"
The shadow, the crash, hell even the crash she caused with Steve all those months earlier. It was all whirling about her head. This was her consequence for causing destruction to everyone around her. But she wasn't going to voice that. Jen already did so much for her. And she didn't even have to—she had no reason to be such a kind and generous friend to Judy. Yet, she did it anyway.
Judy reached for her wine and sipped it until the glass was empty. "I'm fine, Jen. Don't worry," she did her best to assure the blonde, forced her smile to stay put and grabbed the bottle of wine from the middle of the table so she could pour more into her glass.
Blue eyes grew bigger as she watched Judy pour it in until the dark liquid was right at the rim of the glass. By that observation, Jen was easily able to confirm Judy's response to be false. She wasn't fine. Not at all. "Yeah, you sure look fine with the wine nearly spilling from your glass. What's wrong, honey? You can talk to me about it."
"There's nothing to talk about, Jen." With the liquid being so close to the top, Judy didn't even have to pick it up to drink it—she brought her face closer until her lips were hugging against the rim of the glass and slurped a large volume of the wine in one go.
"Okay, well, what about the results from the CT scan? Let's talk about that—"
"Why? I don't want to talk about the scan or the results. It's just shadows, Jen."
"Yeah, shadows, on your liver. It could be nothing or could be cancer. Cancer, Jude. That's a big deal. And if that's why you've been so quiet through dinner, I understand. That's a lot to fucking take in," Jen told her, brushing the tips of her fingers softly up and down the length of her cheek.
Shaking her head sharply, Judy lifted her glass of wine and took another decent size sip of it. Even the effects of the wine couldn't numb out her feelings. Couldn't silence her mind that incessantly ran with thoughts and scenarios. And Jen's topic of choice certainly wasn't helping any. "I don't have cancer, Jen. I don't. I can't."
The response didn't ease the discomfort looming over Jen. In fact it only encouraged it to intensify. "But you don't know that for certain, Jude. You have to go meet with the oncologist so they can get a more detailed scan of your liver. You can't just ignore this, cancer is fucking serious," desperation inflected through her voice as she spoke. Her hand kept its gentle touch on the brunette's cheek while her other one reached for her own glass of wine. Cancer was evil. She sipped the wine, staring into it as she did so. Cancer took people and destroyed them and she wasn't about to allow it to have the chance to take Judy away. And she wouldn't allow Judy to brush this under the rug. It needed to be taken care of so they both could have peace of mind.
"I don't have cancer, Jen. I know I don't. I'm healthy, I'm the healthiest I've ever been—"
Jen held up a hand to halt her, "Just because you say you're healthy doesn't mean you don't have cancer. Believe me, I really hope you're right and don't have it but cancer does not discriminate, honey. Healthy people get it all the time. That's why you need to go get this checked, please."
"If we weren't in that accident this morning we wouldn't even be having this conversation. Everything would be normal and I wouldn't know there are shadows in my liver. I would be fine again, Jen. I want things to go back to right before the crash."
Judy's disclosure pulled heavily on Jen's heart and was sufficient enough for her to get up from her chair and move to the side of the table where Judy sat. She settled in the chair right beside her, opening her arms and fiercely pulling the brunette into them. "In a fucked up way, it's a good thing we were in that crash. Because now we do know you have those and we can get it taken care of sooner," she murmured, pressing the side of her face into the brown strands of hair cascading from Judy's scalp. "I know it's a lot to deal with and scary. But we need to face it and get it looked at, Jude. Please. For me, please? I love you. I love you so much, honey."
A sigh escaped from the brunette.
Brown eyes momentarily shut and when they reopened a few seconds later, Judy gave a hesitant nod. "Fine. I'll go meet with the oncologist. But I can promise you, Jen, I don't have cancer. I don't." Air expelled through her lungs and her arms naturally wrapped around Jen's waist, squeezing her comfortingly against her own body. She let her head fall onto the blonde's shoulder, closing her eyes once more. "I love you so much right back, Jen. You don't have to worry—I don't have cancer and the oncologist will only confirm that."