John
The silence over the camp is sad, despondent, and fearful. The walker attack has everyone scared. And it doesn't help that we did lose people. I didn't really know any of them, except Ed, but outside of that bastard, I can't help but feel like it's my fault.
I was the one on watch, and yet I got distracted, and now people are dead.
We spent the night at the camp. Since the herd had already rolled through and been taken care of, there was no risk of another for a long time. But it's abundantly clear that this place isn't as safe as we thought it was.
I didn't sleep. Luckily, I'm not really tired at all.
I stayed up all night. After the attack, sleep's a distant memory right now.
Glenn said that if someone wanted to, they could relieve me of watch duty, but I told him that before the attack. Afterwards, I refused to leave the spot till morning.
Now… now we're taking care of the dead.
Jim's out digging holes for the people we lost, and I think Daryl's helping him. The woman and children are packing up the tents, while the men help get rid of the bodies.
There's not a single even remotely happy face in the camp right now. We're all scared, even me.
It's only been a day… yet, I can already feel an attachment, something, care for these people.
A part of me is thinking about leaving already… but… I just can't bring myself to do it. Jacqui's words fly through my head every time.
"Maybe you should focus more on the time you have, the time you've had, with those you care about."
Now, all I can think about is how utterly disappointed my loved ones would be in me. Maddie would be horrified, Mamaw would be shocked, and I can't even begin to describe how pissed and disappointed Papaw would be.
Now, I've got people I care for, or at least beginning to. Already off the top of my head, there's Dale, Glenn, Rick, Carl, Sophia… I feel like I owe it to them to keep them safe. Owe it to them, and the ones I've already lost.
Maybe it's just guilt over the night before. But I do care for them already.
Right now, I'm helping Daryl, Morales, and Glenn put down the ones we've lost and burn walker bodies. Even Merle is disturbingly quiet at what's happened. And I don't blame him.
There's nothing even remotely amusing about this.
Daryl and me are the ones putting our people down. Taking out their heads so that they don't come back as mindless beasts.
It's weird how one moment is all it takes to change perspective.
Even after the refuge center, a small part of me avoided killing walkers because I couldn't escape the thought that they were once people. Cursed to have their corpses roam the earth, and kill any living they find.
And then last night happened. It was on a much smaller scale, but the walkers showed up, killed without thought.
And now all I can feel is a burning hatred for them. For the virus.
Daryl's got a pickaxe, but me… I've been sticking with the sledgehammer Shane was gonna give me yesterday.
I should probably be using both hands, try to make it look a little more human, but a habit I've picked up is that anything I can use as a weapon that is smaller than a car or a lamp post, is almost always a one handed weapon for me.
I don't even know what kind of expression is on my face as I slam the hammer down on some poor woman's skull. Horror, sadness, rage… it could all of it.
It could be none of it.
I just know I'm trying to block out the hurt I'm feeling, for people I didn't even get to meet.
"Hey kid, you alright?"
Daryl's voice next to me pulls me out of my funk, my thoughts, and I turn to look at him as I prop the sledgehammer on my shoulder.
"Yeah." I respond, though it doesn't even sound convincing to me.
Daryl looks at me for a few moments, before he shakes his head. "You're a tough little bastard." He remarks as he drives his pickaxe down into man's head. "Most kids your age, and some older, would've been pissing their pants last night."
"Not me." I say as I walk over to another corpse, and elderly woman I'd seen gathered up with the others when we killed that walker the other day. "I don't have a choice." I say as I slam the hammer down onto the woman's skull.
"No." Daryl responds. "I don't guess any of us do."
A silence falls between us as we finish up our work. We've already put down the stack of corpses we had, and I'm guessing Merle and Morales are doing the same.
I happen to glance up and find Merle and Morales have indeed finished up their corpses. And are now dragging one of our own to the walker fire.
I'm about to march over there, but Glenn, who's the one handling the fire duties, speaks up before I can.
"W-What are you doing?" He asks the two of them as they continue to drag the body towards the pile. "Ours go in that pile over there!" He says, pointing to the row of bodies we have lined up.
The ones we lost.
"Ours or not, they're dead either way." Merle responds without even looking at Glenn, I can't help but grit my teeth at his careless words.
"Our dead get buried, not burned." I growl, catching both Morales, and more importantly, Merle's attention. "No exceptions."
Merle looks at me for a moment, before he lets out a sigh and proceeds to drag the body over to the correct pile.
Neither he nor Morales say a word as they leave the body, marching off to get the others.
I can feel Daryl's gaze on me for a moment, and I turn to find him glancing at me, the pickaxe now propped up on his shoulder. "What?" I ask him.
"Nothing." Daryl says, before walking off.
"Hey, John?" I hear Lori's voice next to me, and I turn to look at her. "I… I hate to ask, but will you watch Carl for me while I help the others get our dead to their graves?"
I glance down, where Carl is indeed huddled behind his mom. He's looking up at me with an almost hopeful look, as if pleading for me to say yes.
I was gonna help bury people… but I can't bring myself to say no to either of them.
"Have Carol and Miranda send the other ones to me." I tell Lori, turning to face her fully as I put my sledgehammer on the ground, using it as if it were a makeshift cane. "I'll watch the kids for you."
"Thank you." There's nothing but gratitude in her tone, and I manage a small smile as I nod my head. Lori then turns to look at Carl, crouching down to his level. "Stay here, listen to what John says, alright?"
Carl nods, and Lori kisses his head before she stands up and gives me one more thankful look, before she walks off to join the others. Carl turns to look at me, and I give him a smile.
"Come on, bud." I say, putting the sledgehammer back onto my shoulder as I gesture towards my tent, still visbily set up. I think it might be the last tent that needs taken down, but it's set up in a spot away from the carnage that is the rest of the camp. "Let's get you way from these corpses."
Carl gives me a nod, and I put my hand on his shoulder as I guide him towards my tent, trying to give the petrified kid a sense of comfort as I bring him over there, hopefully away from the view of the corpses.
"Are we gonna be okay?" Carl suddenly asks me, looking up at me.
I'm a little caught off-guard by the question, but my first instinct is to reassure him. "Of course we are, kiddo."
"How?" Carl asks, and I can see the tears beginning to form in his eyes. "We weren't safe from the walkers even though everyone said we were. How are we gonna be okay?"
I can only look at him for a few moments. Kid's scared, and after what happened last night, I don't blame him. He was told this was safe for so long, and then a fucking horde of walkers show up.
Carl's gotta be a few years younger than Shiela, who's twelve, but he's old enough to understand danger.
I look at him for a moment, before letting out a sigh. "Truth is, Carl, I don't how we'll be okay." I admit, and maybe it's a bad idea to tell a nine-year-old. But I can't lie to him.
Carl looks up at me for a moment, and then his gaze averts as he finally starts crying. He's trying to be quiet, keep it quiet, and what boy doesn't? It feels like it's embarrassing, like it makes you weak, crying in front of people.
My face softens and I drop the sledgehammer to the ground, crouching down in front of Carl as I put a hand on his shoulder and another on his chin, nudging him to look up at me.
"Hey, look at me." I tell him. He does so, and I give him a reassuring smile. "What I do know, is that this camp is full of badasses. People who will fight to keep us all safe."
"Like you, Dad, and Shane did?" Carl asks me. I nod.
"Exactly." I tell him. "I don't know how we'll be okay, buddy. But what I do know, is that we will be okay."
I'll make sure of it.
Carl looks at me for a moment, before he's suddenly rushing me. His little arms wrap around my neck, and though it catches me by surprise, something a lot of people seem to be doing lately, I take it in stride and gladly hug the little fella back.
"I want to be like you three." Carl says. "I want to be strong enough to help the camp."
I smile at his words. "You already do, in a way you don't realize."
"How?" He asks as he lets go of me. "I can't shoot, I can't fight. All I can do is cry and run." He whimpers, trying to wipe his tears.
"You give us a reason to fight." I tell him as I bring a thumb up and wipe away some of his tears. "When we see you laugh and play around camp, it brings us joy. Makes us feel happy… makes us feel like things are normal again. Your presence alone gives strength to your loved ones, to all of the adults. You, Sophia, Eliza, Louis… you give us a reason to fight. That's how you help."
Carl looks at me for a few seconds, as if trying to understand what he's just been told, before he smiles. "Thanks, John." He says as he finally finishes drying up his tears. "I wish I had a brother like you."
I let out a little chuckle. "Like me? Bud, were you listening to the stories I told you the other day?" I can't help but ask, though a part of me is touched by his words. And now that I think about it, he kind of reminds me of James and Shiela both. He's real quiet and peaceful like James is, but once you get him started, get him hyped up, he's just as playful as Shiela.
Carl giggles at my words, and I take that as my cue that my job is done.
"John?" I hear another small voice call out to me, and I turn to find Sophia approaching, with Eliza and Louis not far behind her. "Mom told me to get Eliza and Louis and come find you."
I nod. "I'm gonna watch over you kids while the others deal with… everything."
Sophia nods, and she looks like she's back to being the little scared mouse that she was when I met her the other day, but she's approaches me anyway, the other two following behind her.
"Thank you." She says as she moves to sit down on the ground, Carl mimicking her as he takes a seat next to her. Sophia looks up at me. "You kept us safe."
"And I'll do it every day." I assure her as I take a look at the Eliza and Louis. "You two okay?" I ask them.
"We're scared." Eliza admits, tugging the little doll she has to her chest. "We don't want more walkers to come through."
"We'll be alright." I assure Eliza with a smile, glancing at both her and her brother. "We won't be here long enough for another herd to show up."
"Are you sure?" Louis asks me, glancing up at me. I give him a nod.
"I'm sure." I tell them, before I glance towards my tent. "Here, get in the tent. It's more comfortable than sitting on the ground."
The children look at each other for a moment, before Carl moves to climb into my tent, with Sophia going behind him, and Eliza and Louis following her. I go in behind them.
One thing I appreciate, especially right now, is that all these tents are decent sized. Mine alone could probably fit another adult and maybe too more kids.
There's a silence in the tent as I take a seat next to the opening, and it looks like the kids are all too scared to speak, as if a walker would come up the moment they utter a single word.
So, I try to start a conversation.
"Any of you ever tried to climb a tree?" I abruptly ask them.
It's the most random thing I could think of, but that's just me. I try to start conversations, get people talking, sometimes to distract them, occupy them, or both.
All of them look at me for a moment, before Louis, of all of them, responds.
"I did." He says, looking at me with a smile. "Last year, Mom took me and Eliza to my Grandpa Ira's. He had a really big tree in his back yard, and it looked like it would be fun to climb."
Eliza giggles at the memory, and already, I got a smile on my face as I listen to her continue the story. "Louis scared Mom when he did it, and he didn't want to come down. Grandpa had to come out and climb up the tree to get him."
I can't help but snicker as I look at Louis. "Your grandfather got you out of the tree?" I tease him, but he nods, taking it in stride.
"It was fun."
"I did once." Sophia suddenly says, catching our attention. "My mom had to go to the hospital when my dad came home angry, and I didn't want to be alone with him."
My face visibly falls at the mention of that bastard, before I shake it off and give Sophia a smile. "You ain't gotta worry about him anymore."
"Because he's dead?" Sophia asks. I'm not really sure what the appropriate response would be, but I find it best to stick to the truth.
"Yes." I tell her with a nod. "You and your mom will be okay."
Sophia actually gives a small smile at my words, and I smile back. Kid's finally free of that abusive asshole, and regardless of how it happened, it's something she should be happy about.
"Thank you." Sophia suddenly says to me. "For what you said two nights ago."
I smile at her and nod. "I meant every word. As long I was hear, he would never touch either of you."
"I wish I could've been stronger." Sophia says, hugging her knees tighter to her chest. "I wish I could've helped Mom sometimes. Kept her safe."
"That woman was fine getting hurt as long as you weren't, Soph." I tell her, and I mean it. It's the way I was with James and Shiela when it came to their dad. So long as he wasn't touching them, he could beat me black and blue all day. "You are the reason she's as tough as she is."
"I wish I could be tough. Like her, you, and the others." Sophia mumbles into her knees.
I look at her for a moment as he words sink in, before I get an idea. I look around the tent for a moment, but it doesn't take me long to find what I'm looking for.
"Here." I say as I pick up my jacket and offer it out to her. "Put that on."
Sophia looks between me and my jacket, confused for a moment. "But… it's yours…"
I smile at her words. "Not anymore." I tell her. Yes, I know the jacket has got to be five sizes too big on her, but she needs something to make her feel better, and an added bonus is the fact that the walkers won't be able to bite through the leather on the chance that one manages to somehow snag her.
Sophia looks at me for a moment, before she takes the jacket and throws it on. The bottom of the jacket pools around her, and the sleeves go far past her little hands, but she looks comfy in it.
"Thanks." She says with a smile.
"No problem." I tell her. A silence begins to fall over us once more, so I come up with another idea. "How about we play a game?" I propose to the kids.
"What kind of game?" Eliza asks me, curious as to my idea.
"How about-"
"John?"
Our little conversation is interrupted before it even begins when I hear Shane's voice coming from outside my tent. He crouches down in front of the entrance, and looks at me.
"What's up?" I ask him.
"I just wanted to thank you… for all the help you gave us." Shane says to me, sincere in his words. I smile.
"I'm glad to help." I assure him with a smile. Shane smiles at me in response.
"Can I talk to you for a bit?" He asks me.
I look at him for a moment, before looking at the kids in my tent.
"We'll be right outside." I tell them. "Just stay in here for now."
After getting nods and words that they would listen, I climb out of the tent, Shane stepping back to allow me room to move. "What's up?" I ask him as we step far enough away so that the kids won't here us, but we're still close enough that we can keep an eye on them.
"Rick's wanting to head to the CDC." Shane says, glancing around and eyeing the rest of the group, still at work. "Either there or Fort Benning."
"How far's Fort Benning?" I ask him. Since I'm not a local, I have no fucking idea where Fort Benning is, or any notable landmark really. I only know where the CDC is cause of my time in Atlanta.
"About a three hour drive." Shane replies, and I let out a whistle in response. That's a long way to got with a group like this.
"CDC might be better if we can get in." I tell Shane. "I'd say we can make a stop there, and if it doesn't work, we can go ahead and make the trip to Fort Benning."
Shane nods at my words. "Alright… I just wanted your input."
"Mine?" I can't help but to ask him in confusion. "Why do you want my input?"
"Because you probably have more direct experience with walkers than any of us." Shane replies, turning to look at me. "And because a lot of people here seem to respect you."
"I've only been here for three days, I haven't earned anyone's respect." I can't help but deny his words. He lets out an amused smile.
"Dale thinks pretty highly of you, and Rick and Glenn both seem to really respect you. Even Jim says your a good kid." Shane tells me with a chuckle. "And after last night, I agree with all of them."
I rub the back of my head, a little bashful of the praise. "Well… thanks." Is all I can really muster up to say.
Shane lets out a chuckle, before looking at me. "Once we're done here, we'll make for the CDC. If things go south, we'll start for Fort Benning." He tells me.
I nod in agreement. "Alright then."
It takes a while for everything to get settled, but it gets done. Now, all of the tents and tools, everything, is packed up, and Shane's got us all in a circle right now, explaining to us the… well, the rules of the convoy would make more sense than it would to say the rules of the road.
"Alright everybody, listen up!" He calls out to us all, with Rick standing right by his side. "Those of you with C.B's, we're gonna be on channel 40. Let's keep the chatter down, okay? Now, you got a problem, don't have a C.B, can't get a signal, anything at all, you're gonna hit your horn one time. That'll stop the caravan."
We all look at each other as his words sink in to us, letting us all process what he's said.
"Any questions?" He asks.
Morales steps forward, though he looks a little hesitant to speak, but he does anyway. "We're uh… We're not going."
Not really a question.
We all look at Morales in surprise. No one really says anything, just kind of waiting for him to elaborate. The silence is uncomfortable, and no one really has it in them to say anything.
It's Miranda who speaks next. "We have family in Birmingham." She explains, wrapping an arm around Eliza. "We want to be with our people."
I can't help the way my heart breaks at the news. It had only been a few days, but I gotta admit, I was a little attached to the kids and the man himself. None of them look really comfortable with the decision, but something tells me it's something they want to do.
"You're on your own, you won't have anyone to watch your back." Shane warns Morales, who nods.
"We'll take the chance." He says with a sigh, before he glances at Rick. "I gotta do what's best for my family."
"You sure?" Rick asks, looking at Morales sincerely. I don't think anyone really wants them to go.
"We talked about it." Morales nodded. "We're sure."
Rick let's out a sigh. "Alright." He says, before looking at Shane. "Shane?"
"Yeah." The man nods in agreement as the two of them crouch down to the bag of guns, and begin ruffling through it.
".357?" Rick asks, glancing up at Shane.
"Twelve gauge too." Shane adds as he returns Rick's look.
The two nod at each other, before they stand up. Rick now has a small black .357 Revolver in his hand, and a twelve gauge shotgun in the other. Shane has ammo for both of them in his hands as the two of them approach Morales.
Rick hands both Morales and Miranda the guns, Miranda taking the revolver while Morales grabs the shotgun, and Shane offers the ammo boxes.
".357's half full. Shotgun's untouched." He tells them.
Next to me, I hear Merle let out a scoff.
"Waste of ammo…" He mutters quietly, so that only me and Daryl can hear him. "Gonna die anyway."
"Man, shut up." Daryl says, though admittedly, he doesn't look to happy to be losing the ammo either.
Carl and Sophia both look like they're about to cry, and Lori climbs of the hood of a car and approaches Miranda.
"Thank you all." Miranda says. "For everything." Lori walks up to the woman and pulls her into a hug as the woman begins crying, before she moves over to Eliza and Louis and kisses them on their heads.
"Good luck, man." Shane says to Morales, shaking his hand.
"Appreciate it." Morales responds.
"Yeah."
Eliza runs over to Sophia, and quickly pulls her into a hug. Both kids are crying by now, and Sophia's voice is a whimper as she bids her friend farewell.
"Bye." Sophia says.
"Bye." Eliza responds, before she offers her doll to Sophia. Sophia takes the doll from her friend, surprised at the action.
"Thank you." Miranda says to Jacqui as she turns to hug the woman, who nods her head, a smile on her face as she returns it.
"Channel 40, if you change your mind." Rick tells Morales as he shakes the man's hand. "Alright?"
Morales nods. "Yeah."
Carol pulls a now bawling Sophia into her arms, trying to comfort her as her friends take off. However, instead of running back to their parents, Eliza and Louis suddenly come running my way.
I let out a grunt when the both of them wrap their arms around my waist, surprised by the sudden contact.
"Bye, John." Eliza sounds like she's trying to hold back her tears as she says it, and Louis doesn't look like they're far behind.
I give a soft smile, and they let go of me as I crouch down to one knee, before I pull them both into a hug. "Take care of yourselves." I tell them when I release them, looking at both of them.
"We will." Louis says, wiping his tears as best as he can.
I give them both a sad smile as I stand to my feet, ruffling their hair a little, before they run off back to their parents as the whole family retreats to their vehicle with one last look back at us.
Shane lets out an audible sigh as they leave. "Come on! Let's move out!" He says.
I move away from Daryl's pickup, but I don't get far before I feel a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey kid?" Daryl says, causing me to turn to look at him. "If you want a ride, feel free to hop in."
I give him a smile, thankful for his offer, but I decline. "No offense, but I don't me and Merle will get along."
Daryl gives a small laugh at my words. "None taken. Dale will probably take you anyway." With that, he walks towards his truck, walking towards the driver side as Merle climbs into the passenger side.
I walk up to Dale, who looks at me when he sees me approaching.
"Anything I can help you with?" He asks me with a small smile.
I nod and point towards the RV. "You uh… You care if I ride with you?"
Dale smiles at me, and raises his hand up to my shoulder, giving it a pat. "No problem, son. Climb aboard."
I'm thankful for his words, and more than happy to hop into his RV. Glenn is already inside, sitting in the passenger seat, as well as Jacqui.
"Hey guys." I give them a small wave as I greet them, moving over to set in the booth seat across from Jacqui.
"Hey, John." Jacqui greets me with a kind smile as I scooch into the seat.
"Hey, buddy." Glenn says with a wave and a small smile as Dale climbs into the RV.
"Well… let's get this going." Dale says as he sets his rifle down and moves up to the driver seat, glancing over at Glenn. "You got that map?"
"Yeah." Glenn says, raising the map and waving it a little to show that he does have it.
And during most of the trip, all I have with me are my thoughts.
We've lost Morales and his family. Even if they live through this, they are no longer with us. Even though I only knew them for a few days, I can't help but miss them. Especially Louis and Eliza.
Me and Morales didn't talk all that much once we made it from Atlanta. But that talk in the tent, and that game of tag, those stories I told those kids on my first day here… They're all I can think about.
Then the attack last night. I wasn't even here for a full day, and a walker attack happens. I didn't get to meet everybody at the camp, and I can't help the sadness I feel about it. We lost around eleven people, maybe more. And I don't know the names of a single one of them.
All because of the dead.
Once, I would've avoided them, because I didn't want to have to kill them if I didn't have too. The thought that they were once people stopped me.
Now, all I can think is that they aren't people. Not anymore. They're just… monsters. Flesh eating zombies. Corpses that feast on the living with a mindless, ravenous hunger.
The people who once held those bodies are gone, dead. Now… it's just the monsters within them.
They killed my family. Or… at least, they killed Shiela. I'd like to think that maybe Peter got them out, got them to safety. But I can't bet on that. For all I know, Mamaw, Papaw, James… Maddie… all of them are dead.
Peter… he might still be alive. But he could be dead as well. He gets sick, just like anyone else, and all it would take is for one walker to manage to catch him by surprise while his guard's down. While he hasn't coated himself in his metal.
The only one who is probably still alive is Rachel. Assuming any walker could get close enough to even touch her, she probably incinerates them on the spot. And then… there's the fevers.
She can catch diseases, but her immunity to hot temperatures keep fevers from killing her. There's a chance… a very small one, but a chance nonetheless, that the fever that kills bite victims wouldn't hurt her. More than likely, it'd successfully burn it out of her without killing her.
Perks of being pyrokinetic.
But… even if she is still alive, I have no way to get to her. And she has no way to get to me. At least, not to my knowledge.
She's all the way over in Montana, last I heard. Assuming Peter, Maddie, and anyone else are still alive, they're back home in Ohio.
And here I am, over here in Georgia.
But… at least I got everyone in the group to keep me going.
I'm thrown from my thoughts when I feel Jacqui's hand lay itself atop my own.
"What's on your mind, honey?" Jacqui asks. I guess she noticed I was in deep thought.
I look at her for a moment, before I let out a sigh. "Thinking about things. The attack. Morales. My friends and family." I admit to her. "I miss them."
Jacqui's quiet for a moment, before she smiles. "Tell me about them." She says, leaning back into her booth.
I smile at the woman, and I speak before I can stop myself. "Well… where to start?"
And then, next thing I know, I'm pouring my heart out to the woman. I leave out details that indicate I'm a superhuman, let alone the Juggernaut, but I tell her all kinds of things. I tell her about Maddie. I tell her about Levi. I tell her about Mamaw, Papaw, Shiela, James… I tell her about Rachel and Peter.
I tell her about my life growing up. How Mamaw and Papaw raised me.
I tell her about Maddie. How she was my best friend. How we got together.
I tell her about Levi. How he was a freaking idiot at times, but a lovable one nonetheless.
I tell her about Peter. How he was a gentle giant, always willing to help, wouldn't raise a fist unless you made him.
I tell her about James and Shiela. My little siblings. Half siblings, but siblings nonetheless.
I tell her about Rachel. How she was always determined to make people smile. Always willing to help. A little firecracker with a smartass temper.
I tell her about all of it. And she sits there and listens. She'd ask an occasional question, and she got a kick out of some of the stories I tell her. Like when Rachel got dunked with an ice bucket. Like when Peter pissed Papaw off when he accidentally dented the fender of his Silverado.
When me and James would tease Shiela. When me and Shiela would make James eat his words during certain video games. When James and Shiela would pull an occasional prank on me.
I tell her about when me and Maddie were separated as kids. When we reunited in school.
"A part of me wonders if Maddie had separation anxiety when it came to me." I tell Jacqui, glancing out the window as I recall some of the moments where Maddie would absolutely flip out when she thought I was gonna leave her. When she thought I might die. "There were times when she saved my ass. A little five foot three girl saving me from trouble." I can't help but chuckle.
"She sounds like she cared a lot about you." Jacqui says with a smile. "It's hard to find friendships… find love… that lasts as long yours did. As long as it might still."
I smile at the woman's words. I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I wonder if she's older than she looks. She got wrinkles around her eyes, and I can see a few gray hairs here and there, but she looks like she can't be any older than late twenties, early thirties. But she's got wisdom for days.
"I think her about her every day." I admit to Jacqui, and it's true. Maddie takes up my thoughts almost every day, every second I'm alone without nothing to focus on. Sometimes, my mind goes to a bad spot, and I get an image in my head of what she'd possibly look like as a walker.
And it kills me inside.
"And if she's still alive, I bet she thinks about you too." Jacqui assures me.
All I can do is smile at the woman's kind words. Already, she's managed to become one of my favorite people in the group.
Though, I think so far, my favorite person is hands down Dale.
Speaking of…
"We're here!" I hear Dale call out to us from the driver seat.
Damn, me and Jacqui were talking most of the trip. I give the woman a smile, which she returns, before I stand up to my feet, manuevering myself out of the booth.
Glenn and Dale are out the door before us, and they got their guns ready.
When I exit the RV, it seems like the entire atmosphere in the place is so dreary, amplified by the cloudy sky above.
It doesn't help that there's a massive pile of corpses not too far from us, with flys swarming the flesh. But they aren't the only ones.
Corpses are littered everywhere.
There's sandbag barricades set up, a few dead soldiers, people, and walkers covering almost every damn area of the ground. There's humvees set up, tanks and helicopters here and there, and I can see now why Dale stopped where he did, as there are 'Road Closed' signs set up.
But compared to the buildings I can see once more in the rest of Atlanta, this one has to be the cleanest by far.
Still…
"This don't look good." I can't help but mutter as I hear footsteps behind us, joining up with the rest of us.
"Oh god…" I hear Amy mutter behind me. "What happened here?"
"Stay close." Rick says as he and Shane move to take point. Shane comes up next to me.
"John…" He says. I turn to look at him, and he's bouncing his gaze between looking at me and the corpses all over the place. I can understand his paranoia.
Considering how dumb they are, walkers have an uncanny ability to know it's a good idea to play dead until the right moment.
"Here." He says, reaching a hand out towards my. I look down, and my eyes widen when I see him offering me a shotgun.
Before, I might've refused, said I'm good without a weapon.
But now… after last night…
I take it without hesitation, and wrack a slug into the chamber, before I too begin scanning around, keeping an eye on the corpses.
"Stay close, Carl." Lori says behind me as we all move forward, Rick leading the pack as we carefully trek through the bodies and towards the front door of the CDC building.
"Be careful." I don't warn anyone in particular, I warn everyone, raising the shotgun, ready to shoot anything I feel I may have too.
I'm ashamed to admit that after last night, I might be a little too trigger happy.
"This ain't looking good." I hear Merle mutter behind me, but it's not a smartass remark or a dickish insult. It's an observation, one I agree with.
It feels as if the trek to the doors take years, and I can hear people coughing from the flies, the smell, the sites… everything, really. To tell the truth, I'm doing everything I can not to gag right now.
"Alright, everyone, stay close." Rick says, quietly, but loud enough for us all to hear. "Stay quiet, let's go."
Every second we're here, I feel more and more uncomfortable. I can vaguely hear Rick and Shane spurring everybody on, and words of assurances and warnings passing through the group as we all move towards the gate, but I'm in my little zone. Sentry mode.
We can't reach the gate quickly enough, in my opinion.
Finally, we make it up to the doors, but my heart sinks at what's in front of us.
The shudder doors are locked down.
Rick and Shane immediately walk up to the doors. Rick gives a hard pound to it, trying to jostle it or catch someone insides' attention.
"Nothing?" Shane asks as he presses up against it. The gate rattles as Shane tries to push it up, but it doesn't budge. He turns around and pounds it a few times, trying to stir anybody who might be inside.
But already, a few people are giving up.
"Nobody's here." T-Dog says in a despondent tone.
"Then why are the shudders down?" Rick asks as he turns to look at him, and he's got a point.
Someone is inside there. At the very least, there's one person in there. Otherwise, these shudders wouldn't be down.
And of course, everything has to go to shit.
"Walkers!" Daryl cries out, and I jerk around towards his direction. There's a walker coming towards us, but Daryl beats us to it, shooting the thing dead with his crossbow, before he jerks towards Rick. "You lead us into a graveyard!"
"We made a call!" Shane jumps to Rick's defense, because it was Rick's idea, but it wasn't necessarily his call alone.
"The wrong call!" Daryl retorts.
"Shut up, both of you!" I snap at them, glaring at them both. "You're gonna bring them right down on us!"
"Rick, this is a dead end." Shane says when he turns to Rick, trying to convince him that we need to go. "No blame." He tries to reassure his best friend that it's not his fault, and he's right. It's not. We had to leave the quarry, and he has both mine and Rick's input on it.
Whether someone's in there or not doesn't matter if they don't let us in.
But… there is another way in, isn't there?
"Where are we gonna go?!" Carol sounds absolutely petrified as she hugs her daughter close to her.
Walkers continue to rise as Lori snaps at Rick. "She's right, we can't be here, this close to the city after dark."
"Someone make a decision, quick!" I tell them.
Rick looks almost desperate, but at this point, we're all getting ready to get back.
Then I spot it.
Up in the corner, a small camera.
And it moves.
"The camera!" Rick says, stalling everyone as they turn to look at him. I move to stand up next to him. "It moved!"
"You imagined it." Dale says, not wanting to stay here a second longer.
"No he didn't." I respond as I walk closer to the shutters. "I saw it too."
"It's automated, it's gotta be." Shane says, walking up to us, trying to convince us to go. "It's gears, okay?"
"Not an entrance camera." I respond, moving closer. Someone is watching us.
I let go of the shotgun in my hand and march up to the door, and I pound on it, practically begging, pleading with whoever's inside to let us in.
"John! There's nobody here!" I hear Lori shout at me, but Rick comes up next to me, staring at the camera.
"We know you're in there!" He shouts out to the person behind the camera. "We know you can hear us!"
"Come on, man!" I say once more, pounding on the door. "Please!"
Behind me, I can hear Shane shouting orders, and I can hear more and more walkers awaking, approaching us.
"We're desperate!" Rick cries out, just as desperately as he says we are. "Please, we have women, children, no food, hardly any gas left, nowhere else to go!"
My eyes widened. Had I been so distracted in my conversation with Jacqui that I somehow missed all this? We drove straight here, and we're outside of Atlanta, it couldn't taken that long.
Or were we just that low from the get-go?
Lori runs up in front of me and Rick, and I have to admit, I'm losing hope that the person in there will open the door.
I'm beginning to believe I'll have to reveal myself.
Because one way or another, we're getting inside. I can promise that.
"Rick, please, there's nobody here." Lori says, desperately trying to get Rick to give up.
Shane steps up, and gestures for Lori to follow the others, before he starts dragging Rick away.
"YOU'RE KILLING US!"
"JOHN, COME ON!" Shane shouts at me, but I'm still as a statue, facing the decision I know I'm going to have to make.
Behind me, I can hear gunfire going off, walkers snarling and growling as they approach.
I didn't want to reveal myself in case I decided to leave.
But I think we all know that's not happening.
I take a deep breath to steady myself, accept what I'm about to do, what my decision is going to lead to. I let the gun drop to my side and approach the door, setting a determined expression on my face.
"JOHN, LEAVE IT!"
"COME ON, MAN!"
"KID, LET'S GO!"
"JOHN!"
I ignore the cries as I reach down, intent on ripping the shudders open.
And then the shutter shoots up, and I'm blinded by a white light.
It's… It's actually opened.
They opened it… whoever it was…
I keep my secret.
For another day.