One Year
Disclaimer: They`re not mine. Not making any profit with them. Just having fun.
Change (July)
Ezekiel is waiting on the platform of the main station building inside the Commonwealth. After taking over command of the city about three months ago, him and his people had made it a priority to keep the rail traffic between the Commonwealth and Alexandria functioning. It was the easiest and fastest way to transport materials and goods needed in the communities. In the first couple weeks, they had worked hard to reconstruct the railroad tracks, so they now end just a couple miles outside of Alexandria. They have established a small station with some makeshift warehouses and for the future it is planned to expand the railway to Hilltop.
They have accomplished a lot already, but there was still so much to do.
The train that Ezekiel is waiting for normally stops outside of the city. As there was no passenger traffic, there was no need for it to stop in the middle of the city. Normally. Sometimes, though, there were a couple of passengers, workers that helped building back up Alexandria and Hilltop. A shift system had been established that made sure that no one would be away from their families for too long at a time.
Ezekiel is not waiting for any returning workers, though. No, he is waiting for Carol.
She had been away for some days, checking on the progress in the communities, see if anything in particular was needed – but especially just keeping contact with the members of their family that have returned home.
Home.
Well, as far as Ezekiel was concerned, neither Alexandria nor Hilltop have ever been home to him. Sure, he has lived in Hilltop for a while out of necessity, but he never considered the place his home. No, home to him now was the Commonwealth. Not in the same way as the Kingdom has been, nothing will ever compare to that. But he likes living in the Commonwealth, likes the responsibilities he has taken over. He has found new friends here, good friends.
This place has really turned out to be a fresh start. And not just for him.
The thing that still mattered most to Ezekiel in the world was Carol`s happiness. And as far as he could tell, she was happy. As happy as she could be after everything they`ve been through. And she was still by his side, sharing the responsibility of keeping the Commonwealth running. Carol is an important part of Ezekiel`s life and not just because they are working together. No, while he can`t quite find a fitting term to describe their current relationship, it was definitely more than just being co-workers.
He catches sight of her as soon as she hops out of one of the wagons.
"Carol!"
She turns in the direction of his voice, a sweet smile appearing on her face.
"Hey you." Slinging her bag over her shoulder, she comes walking over to where Ezekiel is standing. "Came to pick me up?"
"I didn`t have anything else to do right now, so yeah." He grins at her, fully aware that she won`t believe him for a second. He simply wanted to see her.
Carol chuckles lightly. "I know for a matter of fact that you are actually pretty busy at the moment."
It`s true, making his effort all the more adorable. It felt nice to know that Ezekiel has been thinking about her, because frankly, she had been thinking about him, too. Maybe even missed him a little bit. Not that Carol would tell him that. Walking side by side, they make their way through the grand hall and out into the bright summer sun.
"So, how are things in Alexandria?" Ezekiel asks.
"Great!" Carol beams at him. "Everyone`s been doing a great job. It hasn`t been in such a good shape since the early days we got there, honestly. The cultivation area has been expanded, both in Alexandria and in Hilltop. Though it will still be a while before Hilltop is completely inhabitable again. But they`re on a good way."
"Glad to hear". Ezekiel nods, satisfied that their plans are working out. "And how is Gabriel doing?"
Carol looks at him, a sympathetic expression on her face. Losing Rosita has been a shock for all of them, but especially for Gabriel.
"He`s okay. I think his faith helped him through the worst. And Coco is such a sunshine. She`s walking now, can you believe that?!"
"Really? They grow up way too fast, don`t they?"
A look passes between them, bittersweet memories welling up. Though nowadays they seemed to be more sweet than bitter.
"They will be fine." Carol`s voice is soft, tenderness shining from her deep blue eyes. It`s obvious that she`s not just referring to Gabriel and his daughter, but to herself. It warms Ezekiel`s heart to know that she – that they – were also okay.
"Yes, they will."
Tearing her eyes away from his, Carol steers the conversation in another direction.
"Anything happened while I was gone?" she asks as they stop in front of the stairs to the federal building on the other side of the plaza.
"Oh, just the usual, nothing out of the ordinary. I`ll fill you in later. Thought you might want to head home first, freshen up a bit. It must have been stuffy in that train."
"Yeah, it was", Carol sighs. A shower would be heavenly now. "Do you know where the kids are? I`d like to tell them that I`m back."
Judith and R.J. were now permanently living with Carol since Daryl had started to take regular trips to the communities in order to help there. They had all agreed that it would be better for the children to have a stable home instead of switching back and forth between two apartments. On the occasions when both Carol and Daryl were out of town, the kids have come to stay with Ezekiel. R.J. had taken a particular liking in him. He is a very sensitive child, highly intelligent. He shares Ezekiel`s affinity towards arts and literature as his sister shares Ezekiel`s believes in a peaceful future.
Carol is happy about the positive influence he is having on the children. She knows from personal experience the healing effect Ezekiel`s presence can have on someone.
"I think they wanted to help on the construction site", he answers Carol`s question. "I wanted to head over there as well. You could come and meet us there when you`re done."
"Yeah, sure, why not." She turns to walk home to her apartment but stops to look back at Ezekiel. "I hope they weren`t too much trouble."
"Never. You know I like having them around." His smile is pure and honest, lighting up his whole face.
"Yeah, I know."
For some moments, Carol can`t tear her eyes away from Ezekiel, an equally genuine smile on her lips and a funny feeling in her belly.
"And you know I am quite capable of handling some trouble."
Ezekiel`s sweet smile turns into a mischievous grin and for some reasons Carol feels a blush creep into her cheeks. The mild tingling in her belly explodes into a fluttering mass of wild butterflies. Geez, this man definitely hasn`t lost his touch on her.
"Uhm, yeah – see you later", she mumbles and then quickly turns, aware that her reaction probably wasn`t lost on Ezekiel.
An hour later Carol walks slowly across what they refer to as the construction site, looking for R.J., Judith and Ezekiel. This area of the Commonwealth is where the explosion had taken place, meaning the former "high society district". The area has been cleared of the debris and the remnants of dead walkers as well as burnt plants and trees. Everything that wasn`t worth repairing or couldn`t be saved had been pulled down, leaving a large open space of land.
The idea to turn the wasteland into some sort of memorial park had first been uttered by Judith. And there really wasn`t anything better than to turn a place that once was a symbol for inequality into a retreat for all citizens, honoring those that were lost in the fight for freedom. This weekend there`s going to be a small – or maybe not so small – ground-breaking ceremony for the new fountain which is going to be the centerpiece of the park.
And that`s the reason why there were currently quite a lot of people working on the construction site. A makeshift podium is being erected, several rows of chairs have been set up and some groups are already planting new trees and flowers. Carol spots R.J. and Judith in one of these groups, walking over to greet them.
"Hey guys."
"Aunt Carol!" R.J. jumps up when he sees her, wrapping his dirt-covered hands around her middle. Carol doesn`t mind, hugging the boy back, then turns and pulls Judith into an embrace.
"Wow, you`ve been busy!" Carol admires the section of newly planted flowers and bushes. "This is gonna look fantastic once it`s all in full bloom."
"Yes, and over there we will plant some trees", R.J. tells her proudly. "Do you wanna help?"
"Oh, yeah, sure. Are you looking forward to the ceremony?"
"Yes! Will Uncle Daryl be here for it?" Judith asks Carol while they both grab for a shovel.
"Uh, sorry Jude, I think he`s gonna stay in Hilltop for a while longer. There`s still so much to do there", Carol says apologetically, quickly adding with a smile "But he`ll come back as soon as he can. I`m sure he misses you two already."
"I know. It`s okay." Judith starts digging a hole into the ground, apparently not further bothered, while R.J. runs off to get one of the young trees from the nearby truck. When he returns, Carol drops to her knees. "I think this is deep enough." She signals for R.J. to place the tree into the hole. "Hold it straight", she instructs the boy, shoving the soil back into the hole to secure the tree. "Now give it some water." Judith puts down her shovel and lifts the water can instead.
"I get another one!" R.J. is gone again before Carol can do so much as raise her head. Chuckling, she gets up again, looking for a good spot to plant the next tree.
"How`s school?"
"Good. We started reading McBeth in literature class", Judith says.
"Ezekiel read some of it to us at home", R.J. chimes in, obviously excited about it. "Did you know that he used to act on stage?" The obvious admiration in the boy's voice fills Carol with a strange feeling of pride and satisfaction.
"Yeah, I know that" she chuckles. It was one of the first things Ezekiel revealed to her and even though she had acted indifferent, Carol was kind of intrigued. Later, during their marriage, there had been more than one occasion where she had snuggled up to him in bed, listening to him reading Shakespeare to her. The memory brings a smile to her face and not for the first time since she got here, her eyes roam over the construction site, searching for him.
"Uhm, did you see Ezekiel? He told me earlier that he would be here", Carol asks the children.
"He was working on the podium with Mr. Mercer", Judith answers the question.
Well, he wasn`t there now, nor was Mercer. Standing with her hands on her hips, Carol scans the area again. She`s not sure why it is bothering her – but, somehow, it is.
"Aunt Carol?"
"Hm?"
"Can we plant the next tree now?"
"Oh, yeah!" Realizing that she`d been staring in the other direction, Carol quickly turns, just a little bit embarrassed. "I hold."
The three of them keep working, chatting about this and that. Every once in a while, Carol`s eyes subconsciously roam the area. Her ears perk up when she hears a truck approaching, parking close to the podium. Ezekiel and Mercer jump off the bed and start unloading some large wooden planks. It doesn`t surprise Carol at all that Ezekiel`s eyes find her immediately. They had a connection like that right from the beginning. She raises a hand to greet him, smiling when he acknowledges her gesture by bowing his head, grin firmly in place.
About an hour later Carol is ready to call it a day. She`s sweaty and dirty and her stomach is telling her that dinner would be a great idea. After telling Judith and R.J. to pack up she walks over to where Ezekiel is working. Since he got back with Mercer, they have been busy mounting the planks into the ground. So far, they have managed two. They are standing vertically in a parallel line to the row of chairs in an interval of about three meters. Carol hasn`t quite figured out the purpose of the planks.
"What are they for?"
Ezekiel looks up from where he kneels on the ground, fixing the support for another plank. Groaning just a bit he gets to his feet. He looks just as sweaty as Carol feels, his shirt sticking to his skin. His dreads are tied back, drops of sweat glistening on his forehead that he wipes away absentmindedly.
"Oh, uhm, someone pointed out that we should hang up some party lights and well," he chuckles, gesturing into the air "with no trees around we had to think of another construction. It`s not very pretty but it`s the best we could come up with now. We will place some of these planks on either side of the chairs and then we`ll see."
Carol nods, hands on her hips. "I`m sure it will turn out great."
"Are you going home?" Looking over her shoulder, Ezekiel notices Judith and R.J. slowly coming their way.
"Yeah. I`m soaked. I urgently need another shower." Her eyes drift to the pile of planks. "You`re not going to put them all up today, are you?" There`s a hint of worry in Carol`s voice. It`s early evening and she`s sure that Ezekiel has been working all day.
"No, no. We`re just gonna put this one up and the rest tomorrow." His eyes light up in amusement when he takes a closer look at the children, covered in dirt, exclaiming "You two look like you`ve been working really hard. Thank you for your great help!"
"It was fun", Judith says "but now I`m starving."
"Me too!" R.J. groans dramatically. "What`s for supper?"
"I don`t know? What do you want?" Carol asks.
"Lasagna!", the two children say at the same time, making both adults chuckle.
"Okay, Lasagna it is."
"Are you coming, too?" R.J. now addresses Ezekiel, a hopeful look on his face.
"Oh, uhm, I`ll be busy here a while longer. And I`m sure y`all just want to relax a bit. It`s been a long day for all of us", Ezekiel tries to dodge the question. As much as he`d like to spend more time with Carol and the kids, he doesn`t want to crowd Carol or give her the feeling that she has to invite him.
"Well, it`s gonna take at least an hour until dinner is ready. You sure be done by then, right?" Carol regards him with a raised eyebrow, head slightly tilted to the side.
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I am." Her voice is all soft, telling him that she`s not just agreeing because of the kids.
"Then I`ll make sure to be there in an hour", Ezekiel promises.
"Good. Well then, let`s go." Carol motions for the kids to get going. They walk ahead while she follows them slowly. She can feel Ezekiel`s eyes on her all the way through the park. She tries to resist the temptation of looking over her shoulder, but ultimately, she does. Like she did earlier, Ezekiel raises his hand. Smiling in response, Carol turns back around, her mind focusing on a cold shower.
An hour later
"I`m going!" R.J. shouts when there`s a knock on the door. He rushes to open it and lets Ezekiel in.
"Hi Ezekiel!"
"Hey, guys." He heads straight for the open kitchen where Carol just puts the lasagna into the oven. "I hope I`m not too late", Ezekiel says, holding up a small bag. "I went to get us some dessert."
"Oh, and some wine also", Carol smirks, taking the bag from Ezekiel`s hand and peeking inside. Hmm, chocolate cake. She puts it in the fridge, saying over her shoulder. "Don`t worry, you`re not too late. I was just about to fix a salad."
"Why don`t you let me do that?" Ezekiel has already found a corkscrew. He opens the bottle he brought and offers Carol a glass of the red wine. "Just sit down. Please."
Carol hesitates just a second, then takes the glass from his hand. "Fine." Instead of sitting down on the couch, however, she decides for one of the bar stools on the other side of the cooking island. Ezekiel raises an eyebrow but doesn`t say anything. Carol has already placed the ingredients for the salad on the counter, so he simply starts cutting everything into palatable pieces.
"Bowl?"
"Behind you, bottom door on the left."
Carol enjoys watching him, nipping on her wine. For such a long time she had thought she would never be able to feel something like happiness or contentment again. Hadn`t allowed herself to feel it. But she has made it through the pain. Through the darkness. She`s still here, and so is Ezekiel. Their faith in each other had kept them going, even when they were apart. His presence in her life was a gift that Carol would never take for granted.
"I think this is good."
Ezekiel tries the salad, nodding to himself. He has added some flavored oil and herbs, mixing it all up. He carries the bowl over to the table that the children had set before. Returning to the kitchen, he takes a look into the oven.
"Just a couple more minutes."
He pours himself a glass of wine and sits down on a stool next to Carol. She grins at him over the rim of her glass before taking another sip.
"What?"
"Nothing. I`m just glad you`re here."
There`s a teasing glint in her eyes telling Ezekiel that his behavior somehow amuses her, but he also recognizes the deep affection and seriousness in Carol`s smile and voice. Well. He raises his glass, grinning back at her. He certainly was glad about it, too.
Dinner goes by pleasantly, chatting and laughing. Ezekiel secretly watches Carol eat her piece of chocolate cake, enthralled by the look of pure joy on her face. Through the years, it has always been a special pleasure to him when he was able to gift her with some kind of treat, especially chocolate. Now here in the Commonwealth buying a cake wasn`t anything uncommon anymore – but to Ezekiel it still felt special to share this simple happiness with Carol.
After everyone is finished with their desserts, they clean up the kitchen together and then retreat to the living room. Ezekiel gives in to R.J.`s begging and starts reading another passage of McBeth. The children both listen in rapt attention, firing questions at Ezekiel as soon as he closes the book. Carol watches them from her comfy position in her armchair, legs tucked under her body. She`s as relaxed as she hasn`t been in a long time, a peaceful feeling settling deep within her.
This is home.
Time flies by and when Carol checks the clock, she is surprised to find that it is almost ten p.m. She gets up, stretching her limbs.
"Okay, guys, time to say good night. It`s late and we all have to get up early tomorrow."
If she was being honest, she`s feeling pretty drowsy. The long train ride, the work in the hot afternoon sun and the wine for dinner are taking their toll. A couple minutes longer and she would probably have fallen asleep.
"Can we finish this game, please? Just half an hour?" R.J. pleads, looking up at Carol from his spot on the floor. He`s engaged in a chess match with Judith, both turning to Ezekiel for advice when they get stuck. Recognizing the fatigue on Carol`s face, Ezekiel gets up from the sofa as well.
"No, R.J., Carol is right. It`s late and you can still finish your game tomorrow."
The boy isn`t too happy, but he relents anyway. "Ookaay. Good night, Ezekiel."
"Good night." He hugs both children, then turns his attention to Carol. "I`ll let you get some rest now."
She follows him to the door and steps out into the hallway with him, keeping the door slightly ajar.
"Thank you again for the invitation. I had a wonderful evening."
"Me too." Carol smiles at Ezekiel, leaning back against the doorframe. "You know you are always welcome here, don`t you? The kids love spending time with you."
"Just the kids, huh?" Ezekiel`s voice is a deep rumble in his chest, carrying his emotions. The sparkle in his eyes shows her that he knows it`s not just the kids, but Carol shakes her head anyway. "No", she whispers. Some seconds pass where they just look at each other, neither able to break eye contact. They both feel the air between them changing, the small flame that has been flickering under the surface all day suddenly flaring up. It`s Ezekiel who takes a step closer, giving in to his heart`s desire.
His lips touch Carol`s in a chaste kiss, only applying the slightest of pressure before pulling back again. And then he feels her hand on his face, pulling him back. This kiss is not chaste, their lips firmly pressing against each other, moving just the tiniest bit. Ezekiel`s hand comes up to tangle in Carol`s long curls, eliciting a soft moan from her that he more feels than hears. Her hand on his cheek slips to the back of his neck, the other one lightly touching his jaw. Her lips part, capturing his bottom lip between them, sucking lightly. Now he`s the one moaning, his large hands framing her face, holding her to him.
The loud sound of a door being shut somewhere in the building finally drives them apart. They stare at each other, cheeks flushed, both a little shocked. It couldn`t be denied that there was passion bubbling between them, waiting to be unleashed. If they allow it.
Not tonight, though.
Still flustered by what has just happened, Carol retreats back into her apartment, whispering a soft "Good night."
"Good night." Ezekiel wants to say so much more, but right here, words just won`t come. His worry that Carol might be mad at him for overstepping the boundaries is eased away by the look on her face, though. There`s the same longing in her eyes that he feels deep inside. A small smile curves the corners of her mouth.
"See you tomorrow."
With that, Carol closes the door, leaving Ezekiel standing alone in the hallway. Slowly, he walks home, contemplating whether he should apologize to Carol in the morning. Just in case. Inwardly rolling his eyes, he shakes his head. It`s not like he forced himself on her. She very clearly enjoyed the kiss just as much as he did. No need to overthink it. Maybe this was another small step into the right direction. At the very least, tonight he would fall asleep with the memory of her taste on his lips.
Wine and chocolate and just pure Carol. Sometimes you just gotta be thankful for the small things in life.
The next morning
Carol wakes up with a warm feeling radiating from inside. She had a pleasant dream that she can`t quite grasp anymore, but she is fairly certain that it had something to do with –
"Zeke", she whispers sleepily, rolling to her side to reach for him.
She opens her eyes with a frown when she notices that he isn`t there. Sitting up, Carol looks around the room. Well, of course Ezekiel isn`t here. Her sleep-fogged mind catches up, bringing her back to reality. They weren`t living together anymore. But still – the kiss last night was real. The memory brings a smile to her lips, and she allows herself some moments to indulge in it, refusing to give any negativity some space.
Yes, she had been a little shocked at her own passion, how easily she had given in to it. But she wouldn`t lie to herself – she enjoyed it very much. Kissing Ezekiel just always felt great, no matter when and where and she would never ever regret it. Stretching languidly, Carol gets out of bed, deciding not to dig too deep into what it meant for her relationship with Ezekiel at this moment.
After all, it was better that way. Things were good now. Carol likes her job, likes to have the people in her life that matter the most to her. There was no need to change anything about it. She was happy. Or at least that`s what she keeps telling herself.
"Really?" Carol stops brushing her hair and stares at herself in the mirror. "If you are really happy with the way things are then why can`t you stop thinking about that kiss?"
Yeah, why? "Because you`re an idiot, that`s why. And now shut up." She sticks her tongue out at herself, then makes quick work of pinning her hair up. She doesn`t have time for this now. She needs to make sure the kids are on time for school and then she needs to go to the office. There was a load of work to be done.
On her way she stops by the bakery, getting some of Ezekiel`s favorite bagels.
He finds the bag sitting on his desk when he enters the office, knowing right away that it was Carol who placed it there. Smiling, Ezekiel peeks inside. Even though he doesn`t know it, he had similar thoughts running through his mind this morning as Carol had. Upon waking, he had the desire to talk to her about what had happened between them the night before. But the more he thought about it, the more he came to the conclusion that it would be better to just wait and let Carol decide how she wanted to handle the situation.
The bag on his desk told him that this was the right decision. It was Carol`s way of letting him know that she thought about him, but that she wasn`t ready to talk about her feelings. He could handle that.
Venturing over to her office, Ezekiel casually leans against the doorframe.
"Thank you for the bagels."
Carol is standing next to her desk, a file in hand, smiling when she notices Ezekiel approaching.
"Well, someone has to make sure you eat properly."
Grinning, Ezekiel replies in mock indignation "I did have breakfast at home."
Putting the file down, Carol turns to face him. "But you`ll be heading over to the construction site and I`m sure you did not think of bringing anything for lunch. You can`t work all day out in the hot sun without eating anything."
Okay, she had him there, he really didn`t pay any thought to that. His mind was occupied otherwise this morning. Raising his hands, he signals defeat.
"Busted. Good for me I have you to watch over me."
With a satisfied smile, Carol crosses her arms in front of her chest. "Oh yeah, you`re damn lucky to have me as a friend."
A strange look flickers over Ezekiel`s face, but he catches himself, putting on a smile.
"Yeah. Thanks again. I uhm – I have some paperwork to do and then I`ll be heading out. So – have a nice day."
"You, too."
Carol watches after him, feeling a bit stupid. The look on Ezekiel`s face hadn`t gone unnoticed. Why did she have to make that friend remark? She hadn`t been thinking and it felt wrong the moment it left her mouth. Yes, they were friends. But they were also so much more than that and not just because of their past. The passion that flared between them last night wasn`t something you feel for a friend. Or the butterflies that rise in her stomach whenever he smiles at her. These are things Carol only ever felt with Ezekiel.
"I told you, you`re an idiot", Carol mutters to herself as she sits down at her desk.
As much as she`s trying to ignore it – change was lying in the air.
The morning goes by in a flurry, people coming and going. There was just always something to do. Today, Carol is glad about it. Her lunch break she spends with Connie, patiently answering question over question concerning the progress in the communities. It`s a great opportunity to practice her ASL skills, which she has become pretty good at. Even though Carol is aware that her friend`s interest is not solely out of personal curiosity, she gives all information willingly. The new administration of the Commonwealth (which Carol is a part of) aims to be transparent for all citizens.
"Is everything okay?" Connie wants to know.
"Yeah, why do you ask?" Carol puts her glass of water down, pushing away the remnants of her sandwich.
"You seem distracted."
Having an investigative reporter as a friend definitely has its downside. Shaking her head, Carol smiles, hoping to divert Connie`s attention. "Just have a lot on my mind today. Work piled up while I was gone." It`s the truth. She`s not gonna tell Connie, however, that the most prominent thing on her mind had nothing to do with work. Girl talk just never has been Carol`s thing. She wouldn`t know what to say anyway.
Connie nods, but Carol isn`t sure if she really believes her or just chooses to let it slip. Probably the latter.
"Everyone`s looking forward to the party tomorrow. We checked the site, it looks great."
Carol takes another sip from her water. "Mhm. We hope it will be a success."
"It will be. Ezekiel seems to have everything under control." To emphasize her words, Connie nods appreciatively.
Carol chuckles, an adoring look flickering over her face. "Oh yeah, he loves stuff like that."
Connie must have noticed something because she regards Carol with a curious expression. Uh-oh, time to get out of this conversation.
"Anyway, I need to get back to work now. It was nice talking to you. See you tomorrow at the party!"
Carol stands up from the table, grabbing her bag and waving good-bye to Connie. She`s aware that her hasty departure probably only serves to confirm Connie`s suspicion that there was something else on her mind. Seems like today just wasn`t her day.
After another long meeting at the hospital, Carol is finally done for the day. On her way home she briefly considers heading over to the construction site again. Most likely she will find Judith and R.J. there. Looking up at the steel-blue sky, she decides against it, however. It was hot and she wasn`t really in the mood for sweaty work in the sun after the tiring paperwork stuff she`d been doing all day. That – and maybe it would be better not to face Ezekiel again today. Who knows what kind of a fool she might make of herself if she did.
Snickering, Carol slowly walks along the little shops that are located in this part of town, stopping here and there to have a look. There`s a cute little boutique that often caught her eyes before, but so far Carol never set foot inside. The clothes in the shop window and on the racks outside are beautiful – simply elegant, but nothing over the top. And although Carol sometimes saw things that she liked, her sense for practicality never saw any need in actually buying something.
Annoyed by her own stubborn self-deprivation, Carol opens the door and steps inside.
The shop-owner, a young woman of maybe 30 years, immediately greets her warmly, asking her if she can help. Carol declines, telling her that she just wants to take a look around. Apparently, she`s the only customer at the moment, which is making her a little uncomfortable. She just doesn`t like the feeling of being watched. Covertly looking over her shoulder, Carol is relieved to find the woman behind the counter going through some papers, not paying attention to her.
Relaxing, Carol rummages through the racks, randomly pulling a piece out only to hang it back a moment later. Just when she is about to turn around and leave again – of course, once more without buying something – a blouse catches her attention. She takes it off the rack, admiring it. The fabric is of a shiny, silky material, feeling nice under her fingers. The blouse is of a dark purple color with a pattern of golden flowers. It is button-down, with a deep v-neck and a banded collar.
"That`s a beautiful piece. I`m sure it will look great on you. You should try it on."
Carol flinches a bit when she hears the voice of the shop-owner behind her. She hadn`t noticed her approaching.
"Oh, I don`t know. I, uh – I don`t really have the time", Carol tries to evade the situation.
"Oh, don`t worry, it won`t take long. Come on, the changing room is back here. I`m Sarah, by the way." Heading towards the back without waiting for a response, the woman is giving Carol not much of a choice. Taking another look at the blouse in her hands, she gives in to the temptation.
Two minutes later, Carol is staring at herself in the floor-length mirror. She has to admit that the blouse does look pretty good on her. It is hugging her body just right – not like the loose-fitting shirts she usually wears, but not too tight, either. "You could wear it to the party tomorrow", she thinks to herself while turning from one side to the other. "But not with these old jeans." While she mentally goes through her wardrobe, there`s a knock on the cabin door.
"Here, try these with the blouse. They should match perfectly."
Carol peeks through the door, not really surprised that Sarah is holding some black pants into her face. Mumbling a "Thank you", she grabs them, quickly closing the door again. And then she is surprised because it`s not just pants, but also a lacy black bra. Carol stares at it. It`s even the right size. So are the pants. Geez. Shaking her head, she undresses, then puts all the new clothes on.
"Well? If it`s not the right size, I can get you something else", Sarah`s voice drifts through the door.
"No! No, thank you. It`s all – perfect." Shaken out of her reverie, Carol takes one last glance at the mirror, then hurries to put on her own clothes again. Stepping out of the cabin, she finds herself face to face with Sarah again.
"I`ll take it."
At home, Carol throws her bags on the bed, deciding to take a quick shower. Afterwards, she sits down on the bed, wrapped in a big fluffy towel, combing her hair. She eyes the bag with her purchases, spreading them out in front of her. Sarah had completed the new outfit with matching panties to the bra. Of course. Resuming her combing, Carol just keeps staring at the clothes, a smile playing on her lips. They were probably the nicest she has ever bought in her life. And not because she needed them. No, this purchase was completely impulsive. She wanted them simply because she liked them.
And she is not feeling guilty about it. In fact, Carol feels pretty good.
She stands up, dropping the towel to the floor. She doesn`t really know why, but she starts putting on the new clothes again. And yeah, here in her sun-filled bedroom they just look as great as they did in the boutique. Definitely the perfect party outfit. Sinking down on the edge of the bed again, Carol keeps staring at herself in the mirror, lost in thought.
Why has she been so hesitant about the purchase? Not just today, but all these past months here at the Commonwealth? She never really allowed herself anything. And why was she so adamant in not thinking about her relationship with Ezekiel? About admitting that things were changing. Why was she still keeping denying herself something she wanted?
The answer is quite simple, although it comes to Carol as kind of a revelation.
She is still stuck.
Yes, she has come a long way since the darkness overwhelmed her after Henry`s death. She made it through. She also made it through the fear of losing Ezekiel to his cancer. She really thought that she was okay, that she was moving forward. And in some ways, she was. She has found satisfaction in helping other people, helping to build a future that was worth living for everyone, but especially for the children. She has found inner peace in knowing that the people she loved most in this world were save and a part of her life.
But in all of this, she forgot herself. Her own feelings and desires.
She is still stuck.
Stuck thinking that she doesn`t deserve anything good. That she will lose everything good in her life no matter what. When she told Ezekiel that they wouldn`t get together again it was because she was still scared that the cancer might return. That she might lose him anyway. But that was months ago, and he was still healthy now. Of course, there were never any guarantees, for no one. But it`s always been that way, even before the fall.
You can`t put yourself on hold, shut out your feelings, just because something bad might happen. Not forever.
And it wasn`t necessary anymore. Right now, life was good. And Carol truly believes in the future that her family is working for. So …
"So, you need to let go", she tells herself. "Move forward."
Yes. With a sudden determination she gets up, an idea in her mind.
The next day
Although she doesn`t regret the decision she made, Carol feels a bit funny. Okay, to be honest, she is nervous. It`s Saturday and all day she has been busy making some cakes and pastries – with the help of R.J. and Judith – for the ceremony. Now they are on their way to the construction site, all three of them in their party outfits, each carrying a bag full of goodies. The children are happily chatting, but the closer they get, the more nervous Carol feels.
Nervous, because she will have to face Ezekiel.
Once they reach the construction site, they head over to the group of tables that have been set up. Everyone in the Commonwealth, who wanted to attend the ceremony, had been asked to bring something to eat and there was already a variety of pies and cakes lined up. Later, there will also be a barbecue. Handing their bags over to Princess, Carol already checks the site for Ezekiel.
"Oh hey, you look fenomenal!" Princess exclaims, appreciatively checking out Carol from head to toe. "And you guys, too!" she adds, pointing at Judith and R.J.
"Thank you." Carol has come to like the young woman who at first appeared to be – well, strange. Right now, though, she is not in the mood for talking to her and therefore she quickly addresses the children: "Hey, how about you help Princess unpack our bags? It looks like she can use some help here."
"Oh, help would be awesome!" Princess nods, standing with her hands on her hips.
"Yeah, sure." "Okay." The children agree, happy to have something to do. Rounding the table, they proudly show their cakes to Princess, who admires them exuberantly.
"Great. I`ll be over there by the podium", Carol says.
She assumes that is where she will most likely find Ezekiel. It`s only about half an hour until the ceremony starts and the place is already filling up with people. Many people. He will probably be going through his speech again. Her assumption is confirmed when she walks around the podium to the back. Ezekiel is sitting on a chair, some sheets of paper in hand. He hasn`t noticed her yet, so Carol takes a few moments to just look at him. She smiles fondly at the picture he makes – how many times has she seen him like that? Deeply lost in his thoughts, brooding over some speech or letter. Shaking her head, Carol steps forward.
"Hey."
Upon hearing her voice, Ezekiel looks up. The bright smile that has been forming on his lips fades when he sees her, the expression on his face changing to one of unexpected surprise. The Carol now standing before him wasn`t the Carol he has last seen yesterday morning. The transformation she made strikes him as so fundamental that for some moments he`s in some kind of shock. He stares at her, unable to find words.
She cut her hair. And not just a bit. Her long, beautiful curls are gone. Her hair is now the same length it was when they first met. Ezekiel can`t quite wrap his mind around it. What happened? What affected Carol so deeply that she suddenly felt the need to do that?
The kiss, of course. An uneasy feeling is settling in his gut. And then he realizes he`s still staring at her. Quickly getting up from his chair, Ezekiel puts on a smile. A smile that he`s not really feeling.
"Hi. Sorry, I – I was – dumbstruck for a moment. You – you look – amazing."
He`s stuttering like a fool and he knows it. It`s not even a lie, she does look amazing. To him, Carol has always been the most beautiful woman he`s ever known, right from the moment he first laid eyes on her. And he always loved her hair, no matter how long – or short – it was. So, it really shouldn`t bother him, but …
"Thank you." Carol smiles at Ezekiel, sweet and open, not at all making the impression as if she wants to distance herself from him. Still, the feeling in his gut tells him otherwise.
"I just wanted to say hi before you get up there for your speech. I left the kids with Princess." Carol chuckles softly. "We brought a load of pastries. I made that pomegranate pie you like so much."
She`s babbling, trying to somehow erase the flicker of sadness she saw in the depths of Ezekiel`s eyes. It`s what she`s been afraid of. That he would take her decision the wrong way. There`s the sudden irrational urge to grab his hand, to get away from all the people and just be alone with him. But it`s not possible. Not now. They worked hard to earn the trust of the people here and Ezekiel wouldn`t disappoint that trust. Neither would Carol.
Talking to each other – really talking – will have to wait until later.
"I will make sure to have a piece of it later. Provided, there is still something left, that is." Ezekiel chuckles half-heartedly. His chances probably weren`t that good.
"I can just make you another one if there isn`t", Carol offers. Her eyes connect with his, hoping to communicate that they were okay. That there wasn`t anything for him to worry about. Ezekiel seems to get it or at least something. His pose relaxes and his smile gets softer.
"I would like that."
Carol nods. Good. That`s good.
"Well, I gotta go and check something with Mike and then –", Ezekiel gestures to the podium on his left, still holding the sheets of paper with his speech.
"Yeah, sure. Go ahead. I`ll see you after the ceremony." Carol gives him an encouraging smile. Pointing to the paper in his hands, she says "Your speech is great. Thanks for letting me read it. This – this is just what everyone needs here today. It will be great."
"Thank you." Ezekiel does appreciate Carol`s support, not doubting the honesty of her words. Her affection, her belief in him is written all over her face and he recognizes it for what it is. He makes a conscious effort to push aside his irrational feeling of rejection and disappointment. Whatever decision Carol made yesterday, she seems to be happy with it.
And that`s all that truly matters to him.
"See you later." With that he turns, walking in the other direction, his mind focusing on the task ahead.
Later
Standing behind the last row of chairs in a group with Connie and Kelly, Yumiko and Tomi, Carol watched the whole ceremony with a feeling of pride. She`s proud to be a part of this, but mainly she is proud of the man standing up on the podium. She has always admired Ezekiel for his ability to speak so freely, to easily connect with a crowd of people, reaching their hearts.
She admires him for the man he is, not a King anymore, but a true leader who wants nothing but the best for his people, for all people. The Commonwealth couldn`t do any better than having him as their new Governor.
When the official part of the ceremony is over and the party begins, Carol quickly loses sight of Ezekiel in the crowd. She`s constantly surrounded by people as well and so time flies by quickly. It`s only when evening settles in and the lights come on that she dissipates from the festivities and her friends, seeking a moment of solitude. Her eyes scan the area, searching for Ezekiel.
Carol spots him sitting on a bench beneath some trees that had survived the fire. Seems like he needed some moments alone as well. She considers just letting him be. Maybe it was better if he dealt with whatever he was feeling right now on his own. Maybe it was better to just give it some time. She considers it for maybe three seconds and then Carol kicks her own butt mentally. It was this thinking that has kept her stuck, has kept them apart. It was time to stop this behavior.
It was time to talk.
Ezekiel notices her approaching. Earlier, when she surprised him, he had been too shocked to really appreciate the sight she makes. Now he does. Maybe she was going to break his heart (he still couldn`t completely shake off the bad feeling in his gut), but that would never change his feelings for her. Carol was the only woman he ever truly loved, the only woman he desired with such a passion that it could literally leave him breathless. Never would he even consider being with someone else. It was her or no one.
Probably that made him a sucker. The thought makes him chuckle. "Then so be it", Ezekiel thinks to himself.
"What`s so funny?" Carol wants to know as she sits down on the bench next to him. He turns his head to look at her. "Nothing, really. I`m just – glad that everyone`s having a good time."
Carol knows that`s not the reason for his amusement, but she lets it slip. "I told you it would be great. I`m really proud of you, you know. This is all your doing."
Ezekiel slowly shakes his head. "I didn`t do that much. But you – without you it would have been a lot harder to keep everything going. You`re doing an amazing job here."
They look at each other with genuine admiration, smiling affectionately – and then their smiles turn into grins at the same time.
"Yeah – we`re a good team", Carol giggles.
"We are."
She grabs for his hand, holding it between both of hers. Leaning back against the backrest, Carol turns serious again.
"I really like it here. Doing this job. Being a part of something this big, this important. It`s – satisfying."
Ezekiel nods, squeezing her hand. "I`m glad you`re happy."
Smirking, Carol looks at him. "I didn`t say I was happy."
"Are you not?" Ezekiel raises an eyebrow, getting a bit confused by this conversation.
Carol sighs, gathering her thoughts. She wants Ezekiel to understand what was going on inside her.
"I thought I was. I thought I had moved on. But a part of me was still stuck. And I don`t want to be stuck anymore."
"Is that why you cut your hair?" The question has left his mouth before he can stop it. Ezekiel knows that it wasn`t his call to ask her, but he desperately needs to know – whether he will like the answer or not. He glances at Carol, surprised to find her smiling at him. A warm, tender smile that eases his worries a bit, if not yet completely.
"Yeah" she breathes. She shifts her body so she can better look at him, still holding his hand. "I know you probably think that I want to leave the past behind. And I do. But not all of it. Not the good things. I loved our life together. I loved what we had, and I love what we still have. I just – I realized that my fear is still holding me back, keeping me from allowing something new, something good in my life. Everything I do is for others. This job, building the future we want for our children. It`s great, but – I don`t want it to be just for others. I – I don`t want to be stuck anymore."
Ezekiel watches Carol closely while she speaks, her words sinking into him, touching him. He thinks he understands what she is trying to tell him. She wants to move on, but she doesn`t want to distance herself from him or their past together. She just wants to distance herself from the woman she became after Henry`s death.
More than ever he is convinced that she is the bravest person he ever met.
Grabbing her hand tighter, Ezekiel raises the other one to brush away a stray tear that is rolling down Carol`s cheek.
"What do you want?", he asks sincerely.
Carol hadn`t even realized the tear spilling over, but she enjoys the feel of Ezekiel`s fingertips on her skin.
"I want to live again."
A broad smile breaks out all over Ezekiel`s face. He gets up from the bench without letting go of Carol`s hand. Looking down at her, he says "Come on."
She stands up as well, looking at him expectantly. Willing to follow him for whatever was on his mind. "Where are we going?"
"We start living again."
Carol lets Ezekiel pull her back to the party again, right into the crowd. Somewhere in the middle of it, he stops, pulling her into his arms. She relaxes against him, her head resting on his shoulder. Together, they sway to the music, simply enjoying the moment.
Change had come, but instead of being afraid, they were now ready to welcome it.
TBC
Author`s note: I`m sorry, this chapter took me way longer to write than I had planned. I am not giving up on this story, though. So don`t worry, I`ll keep writing. I`m a new parent of two small kittens and they keep me busy, so updates may take a while, but they will come. For now, I wish you all a merry Christmas.