Who knew raising a baby could be such a piece of cake? It definitely was, judging by the contented grin on Larry's face. And no, he wasn't sugar-coating anything. He actually thought that taking care of a newborn baby was easier than dealing with Tuddrussel. You heard right: waking up every few hours overnight, changing dirty diapers, and making bottles was a piece of cake compared to going on historical missions with that oaf of a man. Thank god he was getting a break from time-traveling. He still struggled at times (more times than one could count), but without Tuddrussel in the way, he was good as gold.
After wasting an entire afternoon cleaning up after Tuddrussel, Larry was relaxing in his bedroom, spending some quality time with baby Otto. He sat in his favorite wooden rocking chair, cradling a sleeping Otto in his arms. Otto was making soft grunting noises as he slept, which apparently warmed Larry's nonexistent heart. He began to lightly stroke Otto's face like he was petting a cat.
"Oh, you're such a cutie! Yes, you are a cutie patootie! And someday, you will grow into an even bigger cutie patootie!" cooed Larry as he tickled Otto's chin.
Nothing was better than watching a newborn baby sleep. Larry could've easily given up his missions in favor of watching Otto sleep any day. He continued to lightly stroke Otto's face while intently gazing into his closed eyes. Inching his mouth close to the baby boy, he kissed him on the forehead before swaying rhythmically in his rocking chair. Everything revolved around Otto — even his own schedule full of house chores and cooking. Heck, he would happily skip making dinner for Tuddrussel in favor of making a warm bottle for Otto. He even spent all of last night knitting him a blanket (which he had wrapped him in prior to feeding him). That was how much he already cared about him. Larry could go on and on about how much he loved this baby. The little grunts and moans? Adorable! The tiny hands and feet? Adorable! The endless crying several times a night? Not so adorable… Well, everything in life came with its own disadvantages — parenting was no exception.
"I love you, Otto… I love you…" Larry whispered as he held Otto close to his face, presumably trying to get him to flash a smile.
Unfortunately, Otto did not smile, but he did do something that was equally as heartwarming. He woke up and began to yawn, stretching his arms and kicking his legs. Larry couldn't contain his excitement when he heard Otto's squeaky yawns. The way Otto's limbs would tremble and shake while yawning prompted the urge to squeeze him like a stuffed animal.
"It's… It's too precious!" squealed Larry.
As he prepared to plant yet another kiss on Otto's forehead, Larry felt something wet dripping from his arms. He looked down to discover a tiny puddle of urine below him — Otto had peed in his diaper, and it somehow leaked everywhere. The blanket he had wrapped him in was also soaked to the core. Being the neat freak he was, he normally would've been upset, but since he understood that Otto didn't know any better, he didn't have a bone to pick with him. In fact, like any other new mother, he was ecstatic about changing Otto's diaper — or at least he was the minority.
"Uh, oh! We gotta change your diaper, buddy! Oh, did you wet yourself?! Did little Otto wet his diaper?! Yes he did! Yes he did!" Larry cooed at Otto as he got up from his rocking chair and placed him on the changing table.
The robot unwrapped Otto from the blanket and began undressing him, all while continuing to talk lovingly to him. He removed Otto's light blue romper, which was partially soaked in urine, either because the diaper was too big for him or because his bladder was bursting (it was most likely the latter, considering how long it had been since Otto's diaper had been changed). Little did Larry know that Otto was uncontrollable when it came to urine. The second the diaper came off, all hell broke loose as Otto peed all over Larry. Surprised screams flooded the room as Larry frantically searched high and low for a towel.
"OH MY! I DID NOT EXPECT THAT!" shrieked Larry, grabbing a towel from the hamper and wiping his face and chest.
Otto played with his penis as Larry walked back to the changing table. The robot grabbed Otto's hands and playfully clapped them together, distracting the baby boy from exploring his body. Apparently, even newborns showed curiosity about their private parts.
"You got me there, little man! Yes, you tricked me with your fire hydrant! Did you shoot mommy with pee-pee?! Oh, I bet you feel proud of that, no?!" Larry cooed at Otto again as he nuzzled his mouth against him for the umpteenth time.
Otto stared blankly at Larry, trying to understand what he wanted from him. It was as if his brain was still trying to figure out the world around him — a permanent brain fart. Larry chuckled and let go of Otto's hands, allowing the baby boy to freely wiggle around. The diaper change was now able to move forward.
"First, we wipe that little fire hydrant of yours! Dab a dab! Boop, boop, boop!" Larry chirped as he playfully wiped Otto's penis.
Otto held his gaze on the robot, who was wiping him from front to back. His beady eyes were soaking in every little detail about the robot's appearance, mannerisms, and voice. He was like an alien exploring earth and its human inhabitants for the first time. Larry smiled back at the baby and giggled as he abruptly grabbed Otto's legs. He began stroking them, starting from the upper thigh to the soles of the feet.
"Aww, your legs are so adorable! Look at how tiny and fragile they are! I could easily break them if I wasn't careful enough!" giggled Larry as he continued to stroke Otto's legs. "Ah, newborn babies… They have such cute features! Cute little noises, tiny button noses, soft hair, vulnerable personalities… and can we not forget how cute their little legs are?! Oh, I could stroke them all day long! Yes, I-"
Otto abruptly peed on Larry again. Larry let go of Otto's legs and screamed loudly, scrambling around the room for another towel. Otto smirked as Larry screamed in pure agony; he must've accidentally hit the robot's eyes, hence the reason for the screaming (and lack of empathy on Otto's behalf). To be fair, Otto was a newborn, so empathy wasn't his priority — or perhaps he found Larry's girlish screams to be hilarious. Tuddrussel definitely thought so as well since he burst into the room, curious about the commotion that was taking place. He burst into hysterical laughter when he saw Larry with a towel over his head. Being the uptight and serious-minded robot he was, Larry took offense to that.
"Tuddrussel, stop that! It's not funny!" exploded Larry, swiping the towel off his head.
"What?! It's funny! I'm guessing the baby peed on you?!" Tuddrussel ribbed.
"Yes… he did pee on me… twice, The first time was on my chest, and the second time was right in my eyes…" Larry sullenly answered, chucking the soaked towel at Tuddrussel.
Tuddrussel looked down at the towel and frowned; he felt immense sorrow for Larry and his struggles with changing Otto's diaper. Even if he was banned from close contact with the baby, he still wanted to prove to the robot that he was responsible enough to be a good father. He took a surprised Larry by the hand to the changing table and grabbed a clean diaper, flashing an assuring smile at the robot.
"Hey, do you want me to help you? It seems like you're having a bit of trouble with changing Otto's diaper. I know that changing diapers can be tough, especially when you're dealing with a little boy! Don't you know that little boys tend to pee randomly? Yeah, I definitely should help you! Now, come on, why don't we-"
Larry violently slapped the clean diaper out of Tuddrussel's hands and shoved him out of the room. Tuddrussel frowned when Larry deliberately pushed him to the floor; it was as if he was a puny kid getting his butt kicked by the school bully — except that bully was a robot standing about 5 feet 8 inches tall.
"No, you may not help out! Remember what I told you about staying away from the baby?! You're not listening!" roared Larry, violently lunging at Tuddrussel like an angry dog.
Tuddrussel trembled, "B-b-but… I just wanted…"
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU'RE NOT HELPING OUT WITH THE BABY! NOW GET OUT AND GO BE A SLOB SOMEWHERE ELSE!" Larry screamed in Tuddrussel's face before storming away. "Oh, and by the way, wash that towel… now."
The doors to Larry's bedroom closed and locked shut before Tuddrussel could have the chance to apologize. The man sighed and shook his head forlornly, refusing to believe that his long-time partner was acting like a jerk toward him. Granted, he had been a jerk toward Larry on many occasions, but this was nothing compared to his worst days. It was admittedly normal for Larry to act arrogant and close-minded, but not to an extreme extent! Not even Tuddrussel himself was safe from flanderization; he felt he was growing more envious of Larry for refusing to let him interact with the baby. He had the urge to break open the doors with his fists and snatch Otto away from him. He wanted to do it, but then he realized that Larry would punish him with more chores if he even dared to look at the baby. Keeping that in mind, Tuddrussel grumbled angrily and stomped away. He needed to cool down.
A Few Hours Later…
It was a little after 6 P.M, and Otto was bawling his lungs out in his bouncer chair. There was no escape from his crying; it could be heard anywhere in the space station, even in the domispheres. He was so loud, that the vases and knick-knacks sitting on shelves in the living room fell onto the floor, shattering on impact. Despite the mess of shattered glass shards lying all over the floor (and the sharp, loud noise that came with it), Larry didn't bat an eye. He had tougher stuff to tackle — like trying to keep his sanity while preparing Otto's evening bottle. The robot stood hunched over a countertop, hurriedly scooping some powdered infant formula into a bottle filled with warm water. His eyes twitched as the cacophony of high-pitched, frantic screaming and crying blared from behind him. As he reached over to grab a bottle top, he accidentally knocked over the half-finished bottle onto the floor. A sloppy, wet, yellowish-white powder blanketed the metallic floors of the kitchen, prompting Larry to clean it up. The robot swore in German as he grabbed a set of paper towels and a cleaner from the cabinet below the sink.
"Any more of this crying and I'm gonna lose it!" grumbled Larry.
While Larry was cleaning up the mess, Tuddrussel walked in to ask him when dinner time was. He stopped in his tracks upon seeing a puddle of infant formula in front of him. He could tell that Larry was frustrated; this was his chance to make a difference.
"Hey, Lar! It looks like you're having a bit of trouble here! Do you want me to make the bottle while you clean up the mess?!" offered Tuddrussel.
"No!" Larry sharply answered as he sprayed the floor with a cleaner and wiped it.
"Why not?!" whined Tuddrussel.
"Because I said so! Now go punch a tiger and indulge in your normal barbarian, nose-picking antics, you big stinky gorilla!" Larry insulted Tuddrussel, violently pointing at him.
The robot got up from the floor and kicked Tuddrussel out of the kitchen — literally. The doors to the kitchen and the dining room closed and locked shut, leaving Tuddrussel alone with nobody to compromise with. Tuddrussel had screwed up yet again — and it wasn't even his fault. All he wanted to do was to help out. Taking care of a newborn baby wasn't always going to be a walk in the park, especially when it was a single robot doing all the work. Despite Larry's obvious struggles with caring for Otto, he was too stubborn to accept that he needed Tuddrussel's help. In the past couple of days Otto had been around, he had gotten peed in the face, developed large eyebags from a lack of sleep, and spilled an entire bottle of formula all over the floor — yet he insisted that he was completely fine on his own. He was wrong. Tuddrussel needed to prove to Larry that it took two to tango when it came to raising a baby.
The Next Day…
Tuddrussel was bored out of his mind. With nobody to play games with, he struggled to find a purpose in his run-of-the-mill life of time traveling and telling historical figures what to do. Not to mention, Larry was too much of a pig-headed bundle of nerves to tolerate rambunctious games. Tuddrussel needed to find something to do. What should he do? There was always his personal gymnasium he could exercise in, but that only got a few hours of entertainment out of him at best. He could step out of his comfort zone and make himself some brownies, but he considered baking to be a "frou-frou" activity. Anything that wasn't manly, rambunctious, or crude was boring to him. He had no other choice but to sneak into Larry's room to seek baby Otto. Luckily for him, the doors weren't locked as they usually were, but that didn't mean Tuddrussel was out of the woods. He still had to face one tough obstacle — and that was comprehending all the girly pastels sprinkled throughout Larry's room.
"Eww! Why does his room have to be so… pink?!" gagged Tuddrussel, cringing at the hot pink paint coating the walls of Larry's room.
Tuddrussel was right. There was just so much pink, it hurt like a stab in the heart. Larry's bed was designed much like a young girl's bed, complete with a canopy and stuffed animals lying on frilly pillows. He also had a dresser with makeup kits (and pictures of himself taped onto the mirror). Not only did his room look like a 10-year old girl's dream room, it was also riddled with countless baby necessities as well. There was a changing table, a play gym, a basket full of toys, and a bassinet with a frilly canopy. Tuddrussel shuddered when he realized that Otto was a baby boy — he shouldn't be sleeping in a bassinet with pink frill trims! Strangely enough, he didn't bat an eye at the stuffed animals.
"Eh, I'll give him a pass on the stuffed animals… I do have Mr. Binky, after all!" Tuddrussel thought as he scrutinized the stuffed kittens lying on Larry's bed.
Now, where was he? Oh, yeah! He was thinking about bonding with Otto! Once he got that idea into his thick skull, he scooped Otto out of the bassinet and cradled him in his arms. The baby boy was wrapped in a knitted blanket, sucking on a yellow pacifier. The man smiled as he watched Otto sleep peacefully.
"Hi, Otto! It's me, your daddy!" Tuddrussel cooed, inching his face close to Otto. "Do you wanna hang out with your daddy?! DO YOU WANNA HANG OUT WITH TUDDRUSSEL?!"
Otto woke up and sleepily stared at Tuddrussel, who was shooting him a goofy smile. Tuddrussel made a funny face at the baby in hope of making him laugh. He stuck out his tongue and crossed the red pupils on his goggles. It didn't work. Otto stared blankly at Tuddrussel, silently judging him for being a creepy freak.
"You don't like when I make funny faces?! Aw, okay! How about we play some video games instead?! I call being player one!" chirped Tuddrussel.
Although Tuddrussel was disappointed that Otto didn't smile at him, he was still grateful that he didn't start crying hysterically when he picked him up. He darted out of Larry's room to the living room, where a big CRT TV with a video game console sat waiting for him. With an eager smile planted on his face, Tuddrussel turned on the TV and the console. The TV turned on, showing a 32-bit screen with sci-fi graphics.
"Oh boy oh boy! My favorite game!" Tuddrussel cheered, waving his fists in the air.
He grabbed a pillow from a nearby couch and used it to prop Otto into a sitting position. Of course, since Otto was still too young to freely control his neck muscles, his head flopped backward. Luckily, his head hit the pillow rather than the hard floor.
"Hey, kid! You can be player two!" offered Tuddrussel, handing Otto a second video game controller.
Otto was also too young to grasp items, so the controller ended up on his chest. Tuddrussel smiled at the baby boy before sitting down on the floor. He would play the game for the next half hour, not even caring whether Larry was going to catch him or not. It was unlikely since Larry had reminded him that he would be in the domisphere tending to his turnip garden an hour before. Keeping that in mind, Tuddrussel was safe and sound.
"Wow, kid! You're beating my high score! Kudos to you!" cheered Tuddrussel.
Otto wasn't actually beating Tuddrussel in the game; he was still sleeping like the lazy newborn he was. It was Tuddrussel who was goofing himself up; he was the one stinking badly at the game, despite proclaiming himself a world-class gamer of the century. No matter how many times he got killed by a spaceship or an asteroid, he still considered himself a champion when it came to video games. His inflated ego definitely showed when he lost for the umpteenth time in a row. He got frustrated and began to pound his fists on the ground like an angry gorilla.
"That stupid, stupid game! I hate this game! I hate it, I hate it, I hate it!" grumbled Tuddrussel, chucking the controller at the TV screen.
Suddenly, Otto began to fuss. He whimpered desperately as he squirmed and kicked in his blanket swaddle. His face scrunched as if he was about to let out a piercing cry — and he did, albeit only once. Tuddrussel tried to calm down the baby, picking him up and patting his back.
"Shh! Shh! Why are you upset?! Tell me why you're upset! Do you need a diaper change?! Another bottle?! Please tell me!" Tuddrussel desperately asked as he patted and rubbed Otto's blanket-covered back.
As if things couldn't get any worse, Larry entered the room. It turned out he wasn't working on his garden in the domisphere. He must've changed his mind at the last minute and decided to clean up the place instead. After all, Tuddrussel was like a pig in a muddy pen; he was always leaving messes behind, no matter where he was. As Larry neared, Tuddrussel began to nervously sweat and tremble. He was going to get his butt handed to him if he didn't think fast. When Larry wasn't looking, he quickly hid the baby under the couch and sat down, pretending nothing ever happened. Larry wasn't fooled; he wasn't an oblivious robot by any means. He could tell by the nervous grin on Tuddrussel's face that something was up.
"Tuddrussel, please tell me you didn't steal Otto from his bassinet," growled Larry, resting his hands on his hips.
"Uh… No, I didn't! I-I-I haven't seen him since last night! I-I-I'm pretty sure he's still in your room sleeping in his bassinet!" Tuddrussel stuttered nervously as he tapped his fingers together.
"Then why do I hear crying from under the couch?" Larry asked.
"No, no! It's not what you think! Really, I mean it!" cried Tuddrussel.
"Tell the truth, mister," Larry ordered, sternly pointing at Tuddrussel.
Tuddrussel melodramatically fell to the floor and clutched his stomach, "ALRIGHT! I CONFESS! I WAS HUNGRY AND ATE A LOT OF JUNK FOOD AND THEN MY STOMACH BEGAN TO HURT! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HEARING NOISES! Can you give me some Pepto? My stomach is killing me!"
Larry sighed and shook his head; he was defeated by Tuddrussel's smooth lies. Despite Tuddrussel's lies, he let him off the hook, not even batting an eye at the blanket-covered newborn feet partially sticking from under the couch.
"Okay… but I better not see you with the baby! There's going to be severe consequences if I catch you laying a finger on my little boy…" the robot warned, shooting a stern, fierce glare. "By the way, The Pepto is in the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. It's a pink bottle with a white cap, not that hard to spot."
At that, Larry continued vacuuming the floors of the space station. The coast was clear. With Larry out of the way, Tuddrussel could get back to bonding with his son. He picked Otto from under the couch and cradled him protectively. He began to rock Otto in his arms, desperately trying to prevent him from bursting into tears. Despite being afraid of Tuddrussel and his intimidating stature, Otto was soothed by the gentle swaying and shushing. He snuggled against the man's chest and fell back asleep. Tuddrussel couldn't help but giggle as he watched Otto snuggle against his chest like he was a human teddy bear — maybe Otto didn't hate him after all!
"Don't worry, little man! I'll protect you from that sissy robot!" assured Tuddrussel, rubbing his nose against Otto's face like a cat.
Since he had already lost interest in playing video games at the moment, he turned off the TV and darted into his gymnasium. He gently laid the baby boy on a metal table and planted a kiss on his forehead. He stared lovingly at Otto for a few seconds before scavenging the gym for some "toys" he could play with.
"Daddy's gonna teach you how to lift weights!" declared Tuddrussel, grabbing some 5-pound hand weights from a metal weight rack.
Otto began to make some faint grunting noises as he wiggled and squirmed in his blanket. It was likely he felt uncomfortable lying on a cold metal table — it reminded him of lying in that cardboard box outside of the orphanage in Chicago. Tuddrussel frowned when he saw the baby boy on the verge of a meltdown; he didn't want to see Otto upset. He set the weights beside Otto on the metal table and thought to himself — what was a time cop to do? He already spent some time rocking and gently talking to Otto, so perhaps it could work. It had to work; he saw it work with Larry before. Again, Tuddrussel picked up Otto and rocked him in his arms while shushing in his tiny ears.
"Aww, what's the matter, pumpkin? Are you finally getting tired of daddy's presence?" crooned Tuddrussel as he rocked and swayed Otto. "Don't be sad! I'm gonna teach you how to be a man! You want to be manly like your daddy, right?"
Otto was immediately soothed by the gentle rocking and swaying motion of Tuddrussel's arms. As always, he fell back asleep and continued to happily suck on his pacifier.
"There we go!" chirped Tuddrussel before setting Otto down on the table. "Man, taking care of a baby is easy peasy! All you have to do is feed them, change them, put them to sleep, and presto! Still wish Otto would acknowledge me as his father and not some comfort object…"
Tuddrussel frowned sullenly as he briefly glanced at Otto. He assumed that Otto (who was a newborn baby, barely a few days old) would be able to lift weights and play video games straight out of the womb. In other words, he was overestimating Otto and assumed capabilities and intelligence came packaged with birth — it didn't. Tuddrussel was disappointed in both himself and the baby lying in front of him. What was once a confident man had turned into a grouchy slob. He sighed annoyedly and buried his face in his hands, muttering about how useless Otto was — despite gushing about how easy parenthood was going to be less than a second earlier.
"Babies are more boring than I thought! All they do is eat, sleep, and poop themselves! Why can't he do anything?! Why can't he smile or laugh at me?!" complained Tuddrussel.
He glanced at Otto again, pondering about what he was going to do with the baby boy. Would this baby do anything interesting besides sleep all day? Would this baby show any emotions other than fussy? Could he ever satisfy this baby without feeling defeated? Those were the questions circling in Tuddrussel's mind as he held his gaze on the baby.
"Here, you hold this for a sec… I'm gonna think of something else to do!" Tuddrussel told Otto, handing the weights to Otto.
Before Tuddrussel could drop the 5-pound weights onto Otto's belly, a loud scream boomed from across the space station. The scream was sudden enough to cause Tuddrussel to drop the weights onto his feet.
"STTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPPPP! STTTTTTTTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPPPPPPP!"
It was Larry 3000, storming frantically into the gym with an utter look of distress on his face. Although Tuddrussel was only trying to bond with Otto, he automatically assumed the man was going to maim him with his brute stupidity. Tuddrussel didn't do anything wrong, yet he was being treated like he was some kind of serial killer on the loose. The robot hissed at Tuddrussel before snatching Otto off the table and holding him tightly.
"Aww, it's okay, darling! Mommy's here to rescue you from that big mean man!" cooed Larry as he rocked Otto in his arms.
"Big mean man?! Are you talking about me?!" hissed Tuddrussel.
"Yes, I am talking about you! Why did you lie to me?!" Larry asked angrily.
"I wanted to hang out with the baby! I'm his father, after all!" confessed Tuddrussel.
"Father?! You're nothing but a big oaf! You're just here to cause harm to the baby, aren't you?!" Larry retorted as he slung Otto over his shoulder, patting and rubbing the baby's back.
Tuddrussel cocked his head and stared puzzlingly at Larry, "Uhh… no?"
"Well, I say otherwise!" sneered Larry, shooting a disgruntled glare at Tuddrussel. "For your punishment, you will be cleaning all the toilets in the satellite!"
"What?! Why do I have to do it?! Aren't you supposed to be the cleaning maid?! You're a robot, you're supposed to be my servant!" Tuddrussel snapped.
"No, that is not true! Just because I'm a robot doesn't mean I always have to listen to you! I have dreams and goals too, you know!" argued Larry. "Anyway, since you're a slob who never flushes after he uses the bathroom, you'll be cleaning all the toilets! On top of that, you'll also be making me dinner while I bond with my little boy!"
Tuddrussel grumbled angrily as he stomped out of the gymnasium, cursing Larry under his breath. For the next several hours, he would be scrubbing dirty toilets with both a brush and his bare hands. Despite getting down and dirty on a regular basis, he strongly hated doing the job (likely because Larry was usually the one who did it).
"Curse you, Larry…" muttered Tuddrussel, struggling to scrub the dirty stains off the toilet bowl.
Larry didn't leave after telling Tuddrussel what to do. Like a prison guard, he stood there watching Tuddrussel, making sure that the man was doing his job. He didn't care if Tuddrussel was uncomfortable; at this point, he solely existed to see him suffer. Tuddrussel whimpered pitifully, glancing at the baby sleeping in Larry's arms.
"Can I… at least put the baby back in..."
"KEEP WORKING! MOVE THOSE HANDS! KEEP SCRUBBING, YOU LAZY BOOB!" roared Larry.
Once he was able to get Tuddrussel working, Larry left him to his own devices. While ignoring Tuddrussel's childish whimpering and complaining, he entered his bedroom and laid Otto in his bassinet. He rested his arms on the edge of the bassinet and gazed into the baby's sleeping eyes. He was proud of this little boy. He was even more proud of the fact that he was able to wrap Tuddrussel around his fingers. They say that a robot is a man's best friend — they were wrong. It was actually the opposite: a robot is a man's worst enemy (or at least that was what Tuddrussel thought). Larry wasn't usually this cruel toward him. Who knew a seemingly innocent robot could inflict a ton of emotional damage on a man? The world may never know.