"Is there a way?" Levi's voice sounds as small as his stature and a soft hopefulness clings to his words.
Erwin can't help but fix his focus onto the younger man's eyes though. It's hard to see the blue in the grey, with the dim light of morning and the shade of the remaining houses casting their shadows over him. But Erwin's heart skips a beat or five upon seeing that unrestrained flicker of hope in his captain. In a second or so, it's swiftly replaced by suspicion and caution; things that have rarely contributed to Levi actually being happy.
"There is," Erwin forces himself to return to their grim reality.
It takes Levi next to no time to let his anger power his words. "You could have mentioned that before. Care to explain why you kept your shitty mouth shut?"
"The plan could go a few ways," Erwin admits and his words sound and feel heavy. But there's no relief from saying them. If anything, he feels like he's suspended in the air, as though his hooks are stuck into the wall and he can't get down. That weightiness rises up his chest and begins its crawl up his throat.. "Best case; you'll have a decent chance at killing the Beast Titan. But for it to succeed, the recruits and I have to die."
As he speaks, another horribly familiar rush of air signals the arrival of the next impact and the screams rip through the air, drawing both men's attention.
More men he's brought to their deaths with this dream of his, Erwin muses as his heart stings at the sounds of death. Is he a monster for chasing this? For dragging everyone out here for his dream, even if it was in humanity's best interests. Though, it's a dream he isn't likely to see accomplished after everything they've gone through.
Maybe this is his comeuppance for his pride, for his shameless selfishness and for the arrogance of believing that he could be a figurehead in leading humanity's fight back against the titans. Maybe this is what comes when you dare to dream too big. Fate can be cruel in its irony. The very notion of not living long enough to make it to that cellar feels like a fist, made of stone, clenching inside his chest, making everything hurt.
His gaze shifts back to Levi, watching Humanity's Strongest drink in the latest act of devastation. He hasn't had time to react to Erwin's announcement, at least not out loud but something flickers behind his eyes, a racing thing.
Time isn't on Erwin's side. He can't stand here and say everything that he wants to say. He can't thank him for the late nights in his office or in his quarters. the morning rides dressed up as meetings or the frequent visits to Levi's favourite cafe whenever Erwin forced him to accompany him to the Interior to talk with nobles. They're in public so he won't ignore the captain's aversion to public displays of affection by reaching for his shoulder. He won't lean down and press his lips against paler ones or brush them against ink-dark hair. He won't cast aside Levi's comfort zone at the eleventh hour.
Erwin Smith; he's a selfish man, always has been when it came to knowledge and truth. He's never hidden his other "preferences" nor pretended to be anything he isn't. But, as much as he wants to take the other man and pull him into their last embrace, he won't do that to Levi. He won't die with that kind of dishonour on his soul.
"The Survey Corps may survive," Erwin continues, professionalism more of a strain as well as habit at this point, "but regardless, most of us will end up dead."
Levi's attention jerks back to him, an audible intake of breath following. In that moment, Erwin can see the blue of his eyes, wrapped up in the grey.
"Frankly, we're almost guaranteed to be defeated no matter what." Erwin remarks as he walks around Levi and advances on a box sitting against one of the houses that is still mostly intact for now. "The recruits and I will be staking our deaths on the slimmest chance of victory."
Footfalls behind him, albeit much quieter than his own heavy footfall, indicate Levi's presence behind him.
"For this to work, to convince these youths to charge towards their deaths, it would take an expert conman and a whole slew of blatant lies." Erwin half smiles as he talks. It turns out that he is just the man for the job after all. What else could you call someone who lures people in and then leads them to ruin? Good intentions or not, that's what he's done for over five years now. He's pretty damn good at it.
"If I don't lead the vanguard myself, none of them will have the courage, which means I must be the first to charge and the first to be slain as well. So I'll never learn the truth," Erwin's voice quietens as he turns away from the wall and towards his… None of the words that would usually spring to mind do Levi any justice: lover, partner, friend, soldier or comrade. They were all insufficient.
"Huh?" There's that softness in Levi's voice again. He advances on Erwin slowly, the usual neutral expression upon his face has disappeared. He stares at Erwin like he can't quite comprehend what he's seeing, like none of Erwin is getting through to him. It's been a long time since Erwin has seen him look like that on the battlefield. He doesn't comment on it or the fact that Levi is about to lose someone yet again.
They're both losing something.
The facade of the commander's confidence and willingness to face his own death slips out of Erwin like water. He sinks down onto the box, hearing it creak under his weight. He pays it no mind. Like everything else, it's going to be rubble soon enough.
"I just wanted to reach that cellar." Erwin whispers and gone is the determination and confidence. "Everything I've done up until this point, I've done in the hopes that this chance would come. I dreamt that I would get to prove I was right. Many times, I've felt that death would have been easier. But then I- I thought of the questions I needed answered. They're what I live for and now those answers are no more than a coward's leap away." He lifts his hand in front of him, wishing he could just reach out and take the truth and look at it. Just once. Even if it could only last a second.
But as he gazes up at Levi, he feels his heart clench. It wasn't my only reason in the end.
Somewhere inside him, a damn cracks and emotions pour into his shoulders and chest. He's shaking with dry sobs now. "I'm so close." His restraint slips away for just a few seconds and he has to mentally drag himself back to form.
"Can you see them too?" he croaks. "Our comrades. They're all standing around us. They've been watching us all this time. They want to know what we did with the sacrifices that they made, what became of the hearts they gave."
Another bombardment smashes the houses around them, breaking through Erwin's melancholy with a terrible crash. How the house behind them is still upright, Erwin doesn't know. He doesn't flinch at the sound nor does he raise his eyes to the sounds of his soldiers dying.
"But that's probably just in my head, right?" Erwin glumly questions. "Of no more import than a child's bad dream."
Erwin locks eyes with Levi again, his words leaving him for the time being. Everything in his body feels like it's slowing down, like even his heart is trying to give up.
Levi doesn't speak at first, leaving Erwin's mind to wander while he watches him. What is he making of all this? He can't help but silently curse Levi's reluctance with words, for this moment, when he absolutely needs him to speak. To say something about the past six years, about the Scouts and the mission and their private moments.
Erwin's eyes lower and then rise again when suddenly a sweep of green and black enters his vision.
Levi is kneeling before him, his head bowed. The sight of him like that chases away some of Erwin's capacity for thought. It's such a submissive gesture - not something ordinarily associated with the captain. Yet here he is where anyone could come by and see him. That speaks volumes about the situation, Erwin notes. His fingers stretch out, like they want to stroke through the smaller man's hair, as they've done so often.
But when the man speaks, Erwin's hand hesitates.
"You led us well, fought hard. No one else could have gotten us this far," Levi tells him, voice breathy and heavy. Erwin's heart unclenches a little on hearing the weight of the moment reflected in his lover's tone. Erwin appreciates that Levi can say the words Erwin needs to hear despite what it means for them, for what they have.
"I'll make the choice for you," Levi adds after a pause and his voice sounds only a little stronger than before. Even so, when he raises his eyes to Erwin's, they are shrouded in shadow, like he's already falling into grief despite Erwin still being in front of him. Erwin's chest pangs.
Together with the hard line of his lips, cold resolve glares out of Levi. "Give up on your dream and charge to your death," he declares. "Lead those crying children straight to hell." Another pause. "I'll reach the Beast Titan and tear him apart."
I'll avenge you, is what he's really saying. Once again, Erwin sees the blue in his eyes. A blue of pain.
Erwin releases a breath and, oddly, he smiles. He can take some reassurance from that promise. Not everything will go to hell today. And it will give Levi a focus. Once more the urge to reach for the raven haired man grows stronger. His fingers twitch,
"Erwin," Levi's lips remain parted like he wants to say more but something seems to hold him back. Erwin watches the uncertainty dance over the captain's face.
"It's all right, Levi." Erwin assures him. "I've accepted what needs to happen."
"It's not all right," Levi spits back, intensity taking over his eyes as they stare into Erwin's. "None of this is fucking all right." He bows his head again. "Why is this happening again…? Why…?" His hands have fisted and, it's barely noticeable to the ordinary eye but Erwin is close enough to observe the tremor in his body.
Why do you keep losing people? Is that what you're asking? Erwin wonders.
"I'm being punished," Levi croaks. "For everything back then… I'm being punished." His shoulders have slumped and he's sinking lower to the ground.
This isn't him, Erwin reflects, he's not the sort of man to indulge in such things. Nor is he someone who would appreciate further platitudes and delusions. Erwin knows this well. It makes everything just that bit harder.
This time Erwin's hand moves to finally hold Levi's shoulders, keeping him from falling forward. "Maybe it's me who's being punished. You've saved more lives than you could ever take, Levi. But I've led hundreds of soldiers to die."
"Soldiers who volunteered, Erwin. Stop taking that shit upon yourself."
"You did what you had to to survive in a different kind of hell. You're not like Kenny."
Levi tenses up at the mention of the man. "Is there really no other way out of this?" he deflects. "Some way where we don't lose humanity's hope?"
"Eren is humanity's hope, Levi."
"Bullshit!" Levi snaps. "We need Eren, yes, but he's a hotheaded little shit. You're the one who leads us. You're the one-" he breaks off with a growl. "Fuck this," he murmurs. "Fucking hell."
"Levi-"
"Shut up!" Levi's head snaps up. "Just…" His gaze drops to Erwin's mouth.
They move as one; lips melting against each other, fingers sliding into hair and capes, tightening and pulling closer. Heat explodes through them and they chase the feeling, the buzz that rushes through their blood Each touch sends a pleasurable warmth through them. It's indulgence and heartbreak all at once. It's home. The last vestige of a home that is about to disappear forever.
Levi is a quiet kisser but Erwin draws out the tiniest grunt from him when he deepens the kiss and loops an arm around his slim waist to pull him further between his legs. His fingers yank on Erwin's hair yielding a soft groan from the commander into their kiss.
Erwin allows himself that one last bit of selfishness, to hold Levi one last time.
Seconds later, the next bombardment forces them both back into reality and, just like so many other things in this world, the last time has been and gone.
Fate has found a new way to torment Levi, it seems.
The captain reflects on that as he replays the light fading out of Erwin's eyes over and over in his mind. Once more, it feels like his heart s being clawed open and all the air ripped from his lungs. Grief finds him again, like a cackling fiend from his nightmares, summoning all of Levi's most intimate memories with Erwin and playing them in slow motion, in vivid colours, at full volume in his mind.
Is this the right thing? Letting the man die. Letting someone he cares about die instead of saving his life. Is he betraying him? Has he just shot to pieces everything that they had? Maybe. But keeping Erwin in this hell sits even less comfortably with Levi. Something in his gut tells him that.
Despite being alone with the commander, Levi's mask remains - something he holds out of habit. But beneath that mask, the agony crushes him. It's so intense that every defence mechanism within him is rigidly standing to attention, pushing back against the sadness and slowly exhausting him.
Hange has gone with the others to take Armin to safety. Sasha's gas tanks were swapped with Levi's, giving him the fuel to catch up with them later. For now, he remains with Erwin, haunted by the fragility of the man as he accepted his own death. The memory plants further doubt in Levi's mind now.
Was I wrong? Have I endangered humanity with this decision? Is Erwin really better off out of all this? Would he resent me for not giving him another chance at seeing that cellar? No. We don't know that titan secrets will necessary be down there or if we can even get to it. All of this could be for nothing.
Levi swallows as his own words float back to him.
Choose whatever you'll regret the least.
This isn't a situation with a no regrets option. In both scenarios, there would be something to regret. He was never going to get out of this without bringing someone back to this hell. Someone was always going to have cause to resent him one way or the other.
"I hope this was the right choice," Levi murmurs. "You've done your part for humanity, Erwin. Be at peace now."