"After a story."

"What?" Elaine tugged at my hand. "No time for that, we need to get going."

I slowed down just before the archway. "But I've got a whale of a tale to tell you."

"We don't want to be late." She gripped harder to pull me along. "Tell me on the way."

"C'mon, please, fellow chum?" I wheedled, digging in my heels.

She grit her teeth, trying to drag me under her own power. "No, even if we're good chums."

"Actually, I don't think we are." With my free hand, I drew my sword and pointed it at her.

She sucked in her breath. "Guybrush Threepwood!" Despite the darkness after closing, I could see disappointment and betrayal reflected in her eyes.

"Nice try. But you've got to do better than that." I gently prodded her hair, which even in the dark was noticeably blown with wispy bits sticking out- from her fight with Flair, she'd told me. "And it's Guybrush Threepwood-Marley to you," I added, as I dislodged a familiar veil. We ignored it as it drifted to the ground. "Captain Madison."

I'd almost been fooled. But there were little things I'd noticed when we'd reunited in the theme park: the way she deflected my questions, the tone of her voice, the nervous habit of constantly scratching her arm. Now free of her magical disguise, the haughty pirate leader scowled, back to her usual dramatics. "Fine. I was sick of pretending anyway. Now, hand over the Secret!" She grabbed the prize T-shirt sticking out of my pocket, and lunged for the exit.

"No way!" I scrambled towards her and managed to catch hold of the shirt's bottom edge.

We ended up in a tug-of-war right there in front of the exit, with Madison digging into the shoulder seams and pulling like the fate of the world depended on it. "Just give it up! Like you need another T-shirt!"

I heaved backwards with all my might. "Nuh-uh! I won it, fair and square! Or, uh, fair-ish and rectangular!" It wasn't only the principle of the thing - I just knew there had to be some reason Madison wanted it so badly, besides it being 100% preshrunk.

Since we were stuck in a stalemate, I began grilling Madison with all my burning questions. By this point, I had a whole list of them.

"Where's Elaine? What have you done with her?!"

Madison, temporarily caught off guard by my sudden demand, let the shirt slip a little. But she recovered all too quickly as she started ranting. "I will never understand how someone as pathetic and vile as you ensnared Elaine Marley. I always thought that out of anyone in this ridiculous place, she'd be the most likely to appreciate my brilliance. But no, she only has philanthropy on the mind. The only person here who we could enlist to our cause was that down-and-out pirate Flair Gorey."

I yanked with renewed outrage, drawing the shirt closer again. "So you were behind her holding up Elaine! Tell me what happened to her, right now!"

Madison pulled back just as viciously, once more gaining the upper hand. "Like I said, I don't know! Once Gorey stole this veil for me and distracted the ex-governor, they both served their purpose." She paused. "Well, besides Gorey composing that modern arrangement for us at our Scumm Bar table. But that was just for marketing, and compensated by exposure."

"I did notice that," I admitted. "The guitar riffs were catchy."

"Yes, she does good work. But unfortunately for my sanity, neither Flair nor Elaine Marley are central to our goal - you are."

I could sense a pattern in the flow of the shirt battle here, so I kept up the bombard of questions. "Why do you have such a problem with me? What have you got that I don't?"

"Besides a grasp of reality, a sense of decorum, and intelligence?" she sneered back.

"Decorating sense and realism are overrated, especially against my goal focus and plus ten charisma." Though at that moment I wished it was plus ten arm strength instead. "And I am too intelligent! How do you think I made it this far?"

"As you always have: through unearned luck and hand-holding."

"Oh yeah? And does that explain how long I'm able to hold my breath under water?" I taunted. "How long can you hold yours?"

"Seven minutes," she snapped.

"Ha! I can do ten!"

There was just enough light left to see her raise a disbelieving eyebrow. Or maybe the white T-shirt was just that glaringly bright. "Really?"

"Okay, eight. But still - that's better than you!"

She scoffed. "That's nothing. You couldn't even decipher the strategies I've had published, much less use them."

"Actually, I did pick up your book - it's nothing special!" It might have been thicker than I imagined, but The Endless Tale of the Voyage that Would Not End was even thicker.

"You didn't even open it, did you?"

"… No."

"Then my point stands."

"I could beat you with both hands tied behind my back - and I will!"

I said that, but despite the conversation's ebb and flow, we were pretty evenly matched. Unless I tipped the odds, and pretty soon, the T-shirt would turn into a cotton dishrag.

I thought up some ideas and discarded them just as quickly: biting the shirt to pull with my teeth, licking it or setting it on fire so that Madison would let go, or ripping it in half with my knife - and jumped on the only remaining option. I yanked up suddenly and twisted the shirt over my head and on top of my coat. With a shout of victory, I jammed my arms through the short sleeves and glared at the dumbfounded dark captain. "How do you like that?!"

Madison shrieked in frustration. Before I regained my footing, she dragged it and me as well through the archway. I barely got a glimpse of the other side - it appeared to be the same Melee Low Street as I remembered - before she pushed me back into the park again and yelled even louder. "What in the forsaken seas did you do to it?!"

"I put it on?" I answered honestly.

"Why is it still the same ridiculous shirt!?" she raged, crazily spinning me around, searching for something.

"Wait until a few trips through the dryer," I suggested, stumbling to keep up. "It might be your size then."

Madison ignored my advice, instead trying to yank the T-shirt off of me by force.

"Woah there!" She was definitely in my personal space. I had an extremely close up view of the roots of her hair, now visible without her captain's hat or magic veil. "There's only one woman who gets to rip my shirt off, and you're not her."

She shoved me away roughly. "More of that accursed voodoo magic," she spat. "It's like it's fused to you."

"Ready to give up now?" I asked hopefully.

"Hardly." Before I could blink, she spun me around again and pulled my arms behind my back. I felt a rope wound tight around my wrists. "One way or another, we will get the true secret," she said cruelly. "Make no mistake about that." She grabbed me by the ankles and dangled me upside down - she was at least as tall as I was, even without her ridiculous hat - and shook me until the Secret chest key fell out of my pocket. She grabbed that, along with my sword which had also fallen out, and whisked me up the nearby church steps and threw me inside.

I lay winded where I'd fallen, and watched the massive wooden doors clang shut.