In 1997, Postal 1 was released, but let's be real, this isn't a horror story, but let's say some shadows from the Dude's past will come and haunt him as well as some of the other cast of this near-endless roll of toilet paper. Keep in mind the Dude will be on the…good guys side.
Anyway, here's an actual excerpt from Postal 1 to keep you on your toes and maybe foreshadow some future elements. Keep in mind, this might bring up spoilers for some. Not saying for what though…
The Earth is hungry. Its heart throbs and demands cleansing. The Earth is also thirsty.
Chapter Two: Adventure Time with Scratcha Cat and the Postal Dude:
REPENT! JUDGEMENT DAY IS HERE!
DIE YOU STUPID WACKO!
STOP SHOOTING YOU SICK BASTARD! I'M ALREADY DEAD!
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY EAR?!
A tall figure stood among the field of corpses. It was staring down at someone. That someone is another Dude. Disheveled and unkempt and on the ground.
Look around you, this is your reality. The chorus of screams of scream, isn't it? Let's be honest, I'm stuck in your head. I am a demon that'll go nowhere. I…wait…what is that? An ID?
The downed Dude was determined to prove this demon wrong. The ID he was gripping in his hand. It contained a genuinely-smiling Postal Dude. Complete with a nice haircut.
I'm guessing you found another reality to call home. Pity that you claim you regret nothing yet here you are again, running away from your past. Your sins will forever cling to you like a spider web to a corner of a closet. Face it, DUDE! You'll never get away from me. I will…wait…
The Dude was standing up with no shades this time. His eyes were barely open yet but they showed determination. The demon was pleasantly surprised. It seems the Dude has changed for the better. No cheap shots like in "Brain Damaged".
"Honestly, I don't give a shit anymore. You're just a shadow of my past. That's all you ever were. I will never let you gain control. In fact, guilt-tripping me about my hi-score killing spree will no longer phase me. I regret nothing."
Really? I guess we'll fight again, will we? Alright, let's…wait…where did you…
BOOSHKKGHHHHH.
Okay, this is pointless. The demon was shot in the head again. Now what?
The Dude sighed as the ocean of corpses cleared into an endless blue sea.
"I swear I'm gonna get bored having the same dream over and over again. Then again, what just happened?"
He looked around for a moment. He was on a beach now. A ladylike figure came up from the sea. She was made of water…probably.
"Let me guess, you helped me defeat myself."
"The Demon is actually weak in the realm you're currently in. So congratulations. But you've also acquired the Demon's powers, which are probably hard to control.
"Right? So, I now have dark abilities from that Jak and Daxter game series. Gotta respect that I guess"
Not exactly, but you'll figure it out.
"Yep. This is gonna be sweet alright. Once again, I shall regret nothing.
The ladylike figure giggled.
"Does that include Postal III?"
I woke up with a sweat that morning. Damn, I can't even get away from Postal III in this world. Yeah, what a time to quit crack. Ah well.
After getting up and grabbing a cup of coffee, I called Vince to tell him the news and what's going on. Apparently, he knew about the incident last night too.
"Yeah, Dude, it's crazy that your house had a near miss with an LFO and shit. I understand that you're pretty shook right now".
"Yeah," I chuckled, "by the way, I'm thinking of changing careers. In a week or two, I'm gonna be..."
"Hold that thought, actually," Vince interrupted, "I was also gonna call you to tell you some bad news. Long story short, we're kinda laid off. The postal service is going through a complete restructuring due to an investigation by the military. Of course, I do have a backup job. Hope you have one as well."
"Right," I said. I was honestly getting bitter about this. I wonder if one of the recent packages had something rather illegal so much so that the military had to intervene rather than a civilian police department or whatever.
"Hey man," said Vince Desi, "Don't worry. If it makes you feel any better my new job is basically developing games for arcades and shit. Now that's some fun shit to make a buck out of."
"Yeah," I acknowledged, "no thanks. I think I'm probably gonna join a merc group. Besides, I probably need to get out of town. Besides the sudden scub growth, this town is actually boring. Not much happens here."
"Hey, do whatever you feel like, Dude," Vince said, "Make sure you stay safe. I've been hearing some murmurs about some earth-shattering change or whatever."
Before I could say something in agreement, I heard some yelling outside. Apparently the old man next door is not happy about the girl pilot's arrival at all. Can't we just get along? A weapon would understand me about this and stay quiet about it.
"Well," I said finally, "I'll see you on the flipside, Mr. Desi. Thanks for everything."
"No problem," he said, "just call me Vince the next time we meet."
After that I hung up and decided to meet with my cat. Scratcha is pretty much a diva sometimes. Oh, did I mention that they talk and prefer gender neutral pronouns. Apparently, they have telepathy for some reason
"Got laid off?"
"Yep," I said, "I still think you using they/them pronouns is weird to me. I mean…I'm pretty sure you're a male cat.
Fortunately, they don't care about that much either. They're pretty chill and understanding about it. Just don't give them catnip. Trust me on that front.
"You know, Master Ramone, I have a feeling that you'll be on a grand adventure somehow. This world is full of it apparently. I personally don't care. Just be cautious when you go outside this time around."
Before I could even ask why, there was a huge explosion nearby. I looked outside and saw the neighbor's workshop in shambles and the sports car mech was running, no, driving off in the distance. I looked at the cat and nodded. This is gonna suck, but I'm gonna have to see if the old man is alright at least. Or even the kid for that matter.
"So, basically there was a missile attack, right?" I asked the old man, whose name was Axl. I suspected he was the father of the military hero that sacrificed himself to stop the Summer of Love incident from escalating. I feel like I should already know that but this is ridiculous. The father is less proud of the son for seemingly doing the right thing and now wants his grandson to take over the family business.
"It's not like you're supposed to be involved in this," he groaned, "the less you know, the better."
"Okay then," I said, "But what about the kid? Renton was his name, Wasn't it?"
"Let's just say he needs to deliver a very important part to that girl," he answered vaguely, "it's the part that should unleash the true potential of Nirvash."
"Really?" I said, "what was it?"
He groaned a bit, but answered anyway, "the Optima Drive."
"Oh sweet Jesus."
Apparently Scratcha Cat followed me over here. I silently agreed though. I vaguely recall something in the show I saw back in my previous life. It's 10,000 into the future. I have this feeling the world here will be more restless than ever before. I'm talking literally; the Earth is indeed getting restless.
Then I realized something to my horror. Let's say something something seventh swell effect. I can't believe that I'm saying this, but I really hope the good ol' Sonic Youth makes it through okay.
What happened next was rather unbelievable. It was hard to describe. Bright lights. Sky fish everywhere and I swear some enemy robots got completely slaughtered. Admittedly, it was quite a beautiful sight. I wish my mother was here to see this…maybe. I don't know. It was just beautiful.
Well, it seems Renton made it to the Nirvash with the Optima Drive. The Dude could not believe it when the Seventh Swell Effect happened. And this is just the beginning. In the Nirvash, when Renton hooked the Optima to the Compact, things just shut down for a moment, but the Nirvash became less of an exploding prop as the Dude initially referred to it and more of a proper fighting machine. It took out several enemy LFOs. Oh! And to avoid confusion, they were also called KLF squadrons…weren't they?
Anyway, the battle ended with this: salt! Salt everywhere. No, seriously the blast radius during the aftermath was marked with waves and pillars of salt. I'm not fucking around. I'm the wise wang here.
Anyway, long story short, Renton saved Eureka and stopped the military in its tracks. For now of course. I should mention that Renton is a fan of the lifting crew known as Gekkostate…and little did Renton know that the Gekkostate was eccentric at best. I feel like they'll be pushed to their limits, maybe sooner than what happened in the original show, now that the legendary Postal Dude is involved.
A/N: I feel like I should end this chapter here. I need to take a quick break. This chapter and the last couple of chapters were written before I changed apartments. So, this is where the first batch ends. If this gets published late, it won't matter Because lateness is inevitable at this time. See y'all later.
Sincerely,
okcheez