Where does the drive and desire to do good come from? I don't know.
For as long as Rika could remember, even if she could remember nothing else, she always wanted to be a hero.
I just want to make everyone happy, y'know? We only live once; life's too short to not have fun!
There was nothing she loved more than loving people, bringing smiles to faces and brightening days wherever she went. To be a light in other people's darkness, that was her light. She wanted to be more to the world than just another girl. And as she'd come to know, the darker the shadow, the brighter the light. It wasn't the content and confident who needed her, rather, those without.
It was also the most rewarding to see the meekest of souls become brave after knowing Rika for just a short while. It wasn't always intentional, but she had a knack for finding broken people and fixing them obsessively. The darker the shadow, the brighter the light. Maybe that was why she was so drawn to Tsubaki. Tsubaki was far more reluctant, not sharing in Rika's wild fantasies, but Rika was nothing if not persistent.
C'mon, Tsubaki! Let me help ya, let me save ya, let me show you how to really live! She took the other girl's hand as they raced through the forest. Tsubaki took a tumble, she was left covered in dirt and tears, but Rika smiled through the whole ordeal and held her hand all the way home.
"Just a bit longer, Tsubaki! Then I promise we'll be back to safety, and I'll patch you up myself!" She encouraged, greatly looking forward to it. She was looking forward to helping Tsubaki and showing her that there were people out there who… loved her.
Rika wasn't sure when it finally sank in, but after it hit, it hit like a brick. Love. Love. I think… I think I love her. Of all the friends Rika had seen come and go in her life, Tsubaki was the one she felt the most desperate to be there for. The darker the shadow, the brighter the light.
Suddenly, they were teenagers, Rika holding Tsubaki's hands again, eyes just as bright and wide as they were when they were kids.
"Tsubaki, I… I… I think I'm in love with you!" Rika was breathless and excited, hopeful, ready to explore this new side of her relationship with Tsubaki. To her, it was just another grand, glorious adventure, and Tsubaki was her ever-loyal, ever-present companion, just like all those times before. It was a cheesy, cliché romance story, but Rika was looking forw—
"Love me?"
Rika knew at once that something was wrong. The tone of Tsubaki's voice… She couldn't quite place it, but… Rika's stomach turned over.
"Y-yes, Tsubaki, love you. I love you. I've… never felt this way about anyone else before. You're more to me than just another girl!" Their hands and fingers were still intertwined. Even though Rika could hear her heart louder than her voice, there was still hope in her eyes.
Tsubaki's, though, were fading, growing distant and hazy, looking away from Rika's. "N-no, I… That— that can't be…" Tsubaki dropped Rika's hands.
"Tsubaki?" Rika was seconds away from grabbing them again, forcing Tsubaki to meet her eyes once more.
"No. Our red threads of fate are not meant to be tied."
Tsubaki didn't actually say that, but it was what Rika took from her. Maybe to her, everything was picture perfect, just like a movie, but Tsubaki was the cold, harsh reality to Rika's warm, fuzzy, sunny daydreams.
You think this torment is romantic? Well it's NOT! Except to you…
Rika was in disbelief. This wasn't how the story was supposed to go. She was supposed to save the princess, not lose her.
"Tsubaki, wait!" But the harder Rika pushed, the harder Tsubaki pulled.
"No! I told you I don't want this!" Tsubaki finally snapped, eyes harsh and full of unshed tears. "I don't like this…" Rika was just too much for her. She had so little respect for Tsubaki's boundaries. Tsubaki wasn't just some toy for Rika to string along on her wild power-fantasy. Nor was she a broken project Rika was supposed to "fix" just to feed her own ego and delusion of grandeur.
But Rika just didn't understand. Why? Why?! Why won't you let me save you?! Why wouldn't Tsubaki just listen to her?! Then Tsubaki crossed her arms, not to look intimidating, but as if she was hugging herself, shielding herself. That cut Rika deeper than any cruel word ever could. Was Tsubaki protecting herself from Rika? This wasn't how the story was supposed to go. She was supposed to save the princess, not be the dragon.
But what Rika never considered: the brighter the light, the darker the shadow. She was bright. Too bright. And it blinded Tsubaki. Tsubaki had to look away. She just wasn't ready for all of the intense, overwhelming amount of love that Rika was constantly trying to drown her in. It was too much for Tsubaki to swallow. It was scary… And Rika's refusal to listen to anyone other than herself did not help.
It was hard to say who was truly at fault. Was Rika really being too controlling and inconsiderate? She fancied herself a savior of sorts, the protagonist of the story, but Tsubaki didn't want to be her costar. Was Rika willing to listen? Or perhaps, was Tsubaki projecting some of her own darkness onto Rika, assuming that Rika only saw her as something to fix rather than to love? Tsubaki must've been used to being hurt. Why else would she doubt Rika's motives even though they'd known one another for years?
With the bright light of truth shining down upon them, the darkness of doubt and despair was even stronger. Rika could only see Tsubaki, her dark hair, as she walked away and never looked back. Tsubaki slipped through her fingers, and Rika was terrified, not just for her sake, but for Tsubaki as well. Rika knew there was more going on than Tsubaki was telling, but Rika moved too fast, and now she was locked out of Tsubaki's story. But… It wasn't like that, Tsubaki… I loved you… I really, really, really loved you! … Didn't I? I… I thought I did…
The lines of darkness and light were growing blurry. Who was right and who was wrong? Or were they both projecting unconscious, unfilled dreams and desires onto the other? The realization that Rika was not going to be Tsubaki's savior, barely even a footnote in Tsubaki's life, hit Rika like another brick. All she could do for Tsubaki now was pray. Pray that someone else more qualified would find and save her. To succeed where Rika failed. Rika questioned her entire life after that, wondering if she was ever able to truly help anyone at all.
20 years, sinking slowly… But if I accept this truth, swallow this hard pill, will it help my sea level go down? She could taste salt water from her eyes. If I photoshop you out of every picture, could I go quietly? Even more important, would that do any good? She already knew the answer. Why was it so hard to move past this? What was she, and what was Tsubaki, so afraid of?! Rika cursed both of them after that. Stupid dreams of salvation and heroes made her what she was made of, and the brighter her light, the darker her shadow.
Maybe that was how and why she managed to let so many issues go unnoticed for so long. It was just as hard to see in the light as it was in the dark. Or was the blindness a conscious choice? I don't want to be a legend. Oh, well that's a god-damned lie, I do! To say I do this for the people I admit is hardly true… She truly was questioning everything now. What if Tsubaki was right? What if her motives were impure all along, and she just never saw it until Tsubaki shined a light directly on it?
Rika was nearly in a frenzy now, still obsessing and feeling guilty for the one that got away. She was feverish as tried to claw her way out of the grave she dug for herself. Surely, there still had to be something she could do! Maybe not for Tsubaki, but to prove to herself that she could still be a hero! She scrambled up the walls trying to find her footing. I just need another chance! I just need to try again! But I promise I won't mess up this time… She could still save people, she could still help everyone! That was what she convinced herself.
ooo
Where does the drive and desire to do good come from? I don't know.
But what Rika would come to know was that mental illness could sometimes spread just like a viral illness. Tsubaki's turmoil became Rika's. Even though they were living in different worlds, they were suffering the same way. Loneliness, isolation, desperation, shame, longing, confusion, silent self-loathing. Rika wondered if she could call herself a madwoman, obsessed with forgiveness and amends, making up for what she'd done to Tsubaki, and what she was failing to do every single day.
I hate to think that I'm leaving her all alone like this, but… The harder Rika pushed, the harder Tsubaki pulled. But as low as Rika felt, her fervent desire to do things right the next time pushed her forward. She made an oath to herself that she would never die. I won't choose to give up!
She threw herself headfirst into life even harder than ever before, trying to conquer and overcome that which defeated her the first time.
I won't look back. I won't turn around! But how did she expect to actually make any improvements if she wasn't willing to face her past and consider alternative options? She had tunnel vision, still blinded by her own brightness and Tsubaki's darkness. Or maybe it was the other way around? Maybe Tsubaki was the painful illumination while Rika was the confused and deluded darkness? It was hard to see, it was hard to be sure.
There is only one way to move now… Onward and upward. She was never looking or slowing down. She would try again and again and again, but this time, things would be different! She didn't know how, but surely something had to give!
First, there was a model named Marika, completely abandoned by her old friends. Then there was a lonely, insecure DJ named Saori. Then was a dancer and bartender named Dalia, too serious and distant from the rest of the world. Like a moth to a flame, Rika was drawn to broken, isolated people, and they to her. She adopted all the lost souls as if they were lost puppies.
Don't worry, you guys, I can fix this! I can fix you, and I can fix me! M4 was her second chance, and she would protect her flock better than she ever protected Tsubaki. She could be their hero, guide, supporter, joy-bringer. This was her redemption arc! She would prove herself capable and worthy and good. After 20 years of sinking slowly, she would become a Merm4id and swim up, watching her sea level go down.
There was no other option. She would not accept anything else. She wouldn't even consider anything else. It was the one pill she wasn't going to swallow, even if it would've helped her. So she certainly didn't even think about what would happen after she "fixed" her friends. What would she do once they no longer needed her? What would she do once they were able to stand on their own two feet without her?
That was the true problem with being a hero. It wasn't just the savior complex, intentional or not. What would Rika do for herself when she was the dependent one, when she was the one in need of saving? She spent so long building her life around others, what was left for her? Who was Rika Seto? She didn't know. It didn't even cross her mind to figure it out. She was a hero. Or at least, she would be, someday. She was adamant that all she needed was a second chance, and she would do things better next time, and fix everything she did wrong the first.
The light of promise and hope still lured her in, and she could see nothing else. She missed all of her blind spots. All the red flags and warning signs. All that mattered was moving forward. But in doing so, she forgot to look back. Maybe she was afraid of what, or who, she would see if she did. Herself. Tsubaki. No, she didn't want to face that again, so she told herself to just keep pressing onward and upward.
Perhaps it would've been best if she faced her fears rather than fleeing them, but she was blind to that epiphany as well. She just kept on moving towards the light. Had she forgotten that too? The brighter the light, the darker the shadow. Things were looking up right now, but what was waiting for her at the end of the tunnel? Was she walking right back into the same trap as the first time?
I will swallow if it will help my sea level go down. But I'll come back to haunt you if I drown…
Rika had no idea. But she took in a deep, deep breath and shined for Merm4id.
AN: Dark interpretation of Rika. I really need to know the full backstory with Tsubaki because they keep hinting that it was something really formative and impactful for Rika, but as far as I know, there isn't much out there that explains it. If there is, though, please let me know and send me a link!
Inspired by Emilie Autumn's song "Swallow". The title is a lyric from it.
And Taylor Swift's "All Too Well" (in particular, the lyric: "Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up.")
Also inspired by Yin and Yang. Rika seems like the light to Tsubaki's darkness, but as the game keeps hinting, it might be a little more subverted than it first appears. Rika has some inner demons, meanwhile, Tsubaki has moments of light and hope despite her dark, Tsundere, grouchiness. It's a contrast that makes them really interesting foils. So different, yet so similar.