I was marched back once again through the alley to the monkey caverns, Lila and Trent keeping a firm grip on each shoulder the entire way. The sharp clangs of clashing swords rang through the air as we approached the half-blocked chamber where I'd left my companions. Rounding the last doorway, I saw Elaine and LeChuck battling Madison in front of the headless monkey statue. You couldn't really call it a two-to-one fight though. LeChuck was trying rush Madison bare-handed; though I could tell Elaine was trying her best to time her attacks with him, they just weren't in sync. Lila suddenly shoving me into the room with Trent's sword pointedly held in front of my neck distracted Elaine enough for Madison to send her sword spinning out of her grasp and into a column of pouring lava.

"Finally." The melting blade cast an eerie sheen on Madison's triumphant glare. "It's time for this farce to end."

"It's no use, Madison," I shouted, fighting to sound brave rather than desperate. "We found the real last puzzle. You need four to unlock the Secret."

"That's where you come in, isn't it?" Keeping her sword pointed towards Elaine and LeChuck, Madison strode backwards until she was in line with her cronies. The rebuilt monkey sculpture stood silently between our two groups. "Don't tell me you thought that was an ordinary shirt."

In all the running around, I'd nearly forgotten about the T-shirt I was wearing. "I guess it's better than I thought at first," I admitted, glancing down at it. "I've gotten pretty attached to it."

"You mean it's grown attached to you," Trent said, plucking at it for emphasis. He and Lila had switched threatening-prisoner-at-swordpoint duties when I wasn't looking. "Usually T-shirts don't refuse to come off."

"Not the pre-shrunk ones, no," I agreed. "So you're saying that you need this shirt to open the chest? And how do you plan to do that, when I'm the one wearing it?"

"By us opening the chest with you, of course," Madison explained impatiently. "Didn't I just imply that? Though I guess I should clarify: just you, not the ex-governor and the undead captain. They are no longer necessary."

"What? I thought you needed LeChuck too!" So I was wrong about that? What else had I missed?

"If he'd been the one to put on the Shirt, then we would have," Lila said. "It's good practice to keep a backup. For a while there, I was sure that would be you."

"Hey!" I glared at her over her blade. "Either way, I'd never hand you guys the power of the Secret!"

LeChuck bulled in. "So we have the Shirt -" nice to know it was 'we' now - "and you have the key. It seems we are at a standoff."

"For now." Madison was frighteningly calm. "But that window is closing." As if to punctuate her words, we all heard another deep moan from the volcano, but this time, we could feel it too.

"But can't you change that?" Elaine asked her. "With your time-changing connecting doorways?"

"Huh?" "Eh?" LeChuck and I looked at each other, both mystified.

"Oh, so you figured that out?" Madison applauded. "Very clever."

"Actually, about that," Lila interjected. "While they do connect times or places, I can't make one going to Monkey Island for some reason. Just between and out. So we're as pressed for time as you are."

"They didn't need to know that," Madison hissed. "But you're right." She took a deep breath to calm down. "Let's just say, it's easier for all concerned if you just cooperate. And, once you know more about the Secret, you'll see there's no reason not to. Why don't you explain, since you like talking so much, Lila." She gestured mockingly.

Lila stepped forward with a particular intensity that I recognized from only the most fanatical of teachers and librarians. I took the opportunity to edge further away from her and Trent and closer to Elaine and LeChuck.

"So, as you've guessed, we're not exactly from this world," Lila began.

"I didn't guess that," I contradicted.

"Me neither," Elaine agreed. LeChuck grunted in agreement beside her.

"Not from the portal? The one leading to the theme park from another dimension?" Lila prompted.

"There are plenty of theme parks around," Elaine said. "They're very popular with pirate families, right after privateer cruises with pillaging excursions. I just thought you switched out High Street using dark magic."

"And what dimension are you talking about?" I asked. "Is this about that third dimension that showed up a couple adventures ago but seems to have gone missing again?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Threepwood, as usual. And I doubt there are any theme parks with me and LeChuck as attractions here. For the record, what you all call dark magic is from our dimension; it's not actually even magic." Lila took in our skeptical - Elaine's - and confused - mine and LeChuck's - expressions. "Here, it's easier to just show you."

She retrieved two stone-looking things from her coat and slid them onto the floor; they kept a steady distance from each other, like they were magnets. She waved and swiped her hands above them until those now-familiar symbols ignited.

"What, no chanting?" I asked, remembering her earlier demonstration.

"Nah. I used to code aloud to organize it in my head when I started here. Then, once I grew out of it, people complained they didn't get the full 'magic experience' if I left it out."

"Critics can be demanding," I commiserated.

"Shut up," Madison hissed impatiently at me, before rounding back to Lila. "Get on with it."

The markings wavered and slid around to form a pulsing circle in the air. Inside it, we could see the concentric circles from the lower level's doorway, as if it was right across the room from us.

"So this is a spatial portal," Lila announced, pointing to what she'd just created. "Time ones look like this too. That one inside is time and dimension based." She stuck her arm through the circle, shut what we knew to be the "Employee Only" door, and spun the inset four-digit combination faster than I could follow. It landed on the mindbogglingly futuristic year of 1990.

"Hey, that's the year after the one on that plaque in the theme park," I recalled. "Is it some special point in history or something?"

"Not really." Lila made some last adjustments. "Pretty good year for computer games, though."

"Wow! I bet they have all sorts of technological advances in the future!" I enthused. "Like decent microwave food! Or automated phone lines that actually help! Or -" I grew really excited for this one - "Printers that work even when you've got a deadline!"

The pirate leaders flinched guiltily. That must have been a sore subject.

Lila rallied back into her instructor mode. "See what it's like for yourself." She swung the door open.

Beyond it, we saw a dim warren of taverns and docks, filled with grinning raucous pirates. At first it looked and sounded very lifelike, but as the shadowy figures moved in precise cycles and the music and conversations repeated, we could tell that they were actually animatronics. Still, it was impressive as a recreation. "You can totally see that third dimension," I complimented.

The fake pirates whooped and laughed and sang what might have been a different version of that poem we found; there were definitely a couple "yo ho"s sprinkled in there. Around a bend, a small boat wound between the piers; there were a number of gaping tourists wearing T-shirts rather like mine, including some nerdy-looking white guy around my age or a little younger, but with less hair.

"So, there are theme parks with waterways in the future," LeChuck scoffed. "We've had one for years. What of it?"

"Actually, that wasn't what I meant to show you," Lila admitted. "Must be an alternate timeline. The point is, in the future, there aren't any more pirates; not the real adventuring kind, anyway. Just cheap attractions in theme parks."

"No pirates?" I tried to think of what that would be like, but came up empty. My whole life had revolved around my quest to be a Mighty Pirate(TM); if it hadn't, I probably wouldn't have even met Elaine. It's not like a political princess and a scoundrel like me happen every day. Take all my adventures away, and I'd only be a guy who could hold my breath for ten minutes and looked like a flooring inspector.

And it didn't make sense, anyway. Who else would drive an island economy, and provide a scapegoat for upstanding citizens and politicians who weren't Elaine? And also - "You guys are pirates!" I exclaimed. "Leaders in the field, even!"

I jabbed my finger at Madison. "What about all the ship fighting strategy in your book?"

"There are still navies…" Madison muttered, taken aback.

"We're not pirates where we're from." Lila took over again. "For instance, Trent's on the business side. I'm a programmer."

"I don't know what that is, but it sounds worse than floor inspecting," I insisted stubbornly.

"So the Secret is something that makes pirates exist?" Elaine prompted doubtfully.

"Not exactly, but close," Lila answered. "Actually, I'm not too sure myself. All I know is that it's what causes adventures to happen. I've been imagining it as a collection of stories, or at least their beginnings."

Trent coughed.

"We all have different theories," Lila said, rolling her eyes.

"And ye intend to steal it away for your own time?" LeChuck grinned unpleasantly. "Not over your dead bodies."

Elaine stepped in front of him. "Is there anyway you can share it?"

"Yes," Madison answered quickly, just as Trent answered "no."

"It must be this room," Trent defended himself from Madison's angry glare. "It's built for revealing secrets, which are hidden truths. Lies aren't allowed here."

"I h-h-h-love this ridiculous world," Lila tested aloud. "Huh, you're right."

"Then why did you have different answers?" I objected.

"We can share it, with you alone." Madison looked pleading. "Open it with us. We'll let you choose your role. You can be the hero, forever."

I had to admit it, it was tempting. Elaine had never been interested in the Secret except to avert danger, and despite how little I liked the new pirate leaders, they could hardly be worse hands to hold the Secret than LeChuck. However, I knew there had to be a catch. There always was.

"But?" I prompted Trent.

He edged away from Madison before he opened his mouth. "Once we take the Secret back with us, this world won't be the same. It can't."

"You'd be, though," Lila piped in. "According to our sources. Due to residual energy from the opening ritual, or something. But everything and everyone else will probably lose their magical energy, and end up becoming closer to what our world is like. Revolving more around money than wits." She grumbled the last bit to herself, and threw a surly glance at Trent.

"You're not going to actually use the Secret for adventures in your world, are you?" I realized.

Lila and Trent looked down and said nothing.

"Make your choice, Threepwood," Madison insisted. Her companions moved to guard Elaine and LeChuck, cutting me off from any help from that quarter. "The clock is ticking. Or rather, erupting." Right on cue, we felt another tremor.

I thought about it, hard. I could agree, refuse, or gamble everything on some wild distraction.

"Look behind you, a no-headed monkey!" I pointed at the statue. Darn, that hadn't come out right.

"Nice try, but hopeless. Like you," Madison sneered.

Well, that was a bust. I mentally scanned my pockets for something that could incapacitate all three at once. Murray was out, as I could only throw him at one leader at a time; plus, I doubt he'd cooperate considering how I'd used him on LeShip. I nearly got the demon pepper out while angled out of their line of sight, but fumbled it at the last second. I helplessly watched it bounce and roll into the pouring lava. Rats.

In the end, what choice did I really have?

"Alright, Madison," I said finally, standing in front of her with my back to my allies. "Let Elaine and LeChuck go. I'll join you three for the ritual." I could hear LeChuck curse behind me. "As long as you let me turn the key."

Madison looked surprised, then narrowed her eyes at me. "Are you planning on locking the chest instead of opening it?"

"N-n-n-" I tried to form the word, but like Trent said, I was unable to. "Fine, yes!"

"Cheater!" she spat.

"I am rubber, you are glue," I responded maturely.

"Then we're at an impasse," Elaine said. "And the volcano won't settle until we finish this." We felt a trembling strong enough to jingle the keys and coins in my pocket. This volcano had better dramatic timing than certain actors I remembered.

"My thoughts exactly," Madison answered Elaine. She drew her sword and advanced towards us slowly.

"Really? Resorting to force?" I tried to make my glare look disappointed rather than scared for our skins. After all, they had already virtually captured us.

"We're all pirates here, remember? But I'm not entirely devoid of honour." Madison posed in front of me, her blade level with my eyes. "Sword fighting, one on one, three against three. Do you accept?"

"Is it that newfangled insult-retort style?" I clarified, recalling LeChuck's repartee when forcing me off the plank earlier. "It's hard to keep up with your generation."

"No," Madison said. "This is a fight for a secret, so secret style it will be. We each get three strikes. Whoever succeeds in revealing a secret about the other that they've never admitted to anyone in this room wins."

"That's way more detail than I'm used to getting," I remarked.

"Think of it making up for no practice run," Madison said magnanimously. "If anyone from your side wins, their opponent will go through this portal back to our time." She stalked over to Lila's circle and spun the year dial one more time. She reopened it before I could see what it had landed on, even though I craned my neck trying. The other side was a smoky gray, like a clouded mirror.

"Are you sure about this?" Trent asked with uncharacteristic solemnity. "Because of this room, we'll really have to abide by these rules."

"I know what I'm doing," Madison snarled. "Unlike someone, who keeps holding up our operation. Such as when he falls for obvious bait for pointless fights and delays us at crucial moments."

Trent threw up his hands and backed away.

"And when one of us wins…" Madison tapped her hip thoughtfully. Her eyes lit up with a light I liked even less than usual. "You'll be sent back through a different portal, back to when, oh, a certain self-proclaimed Mighty Pirate(TM) first stepped back onto Melee, babbling about finally finding the Secret of Monkey Island."

"No, you would…" The "-n't" couldn't make it past my lips.

"Oh yes." Madison nodded to Lila, who got out two more of those mysterious magnets.

Lila frowned at them. "They're running out of juice," she said quietly to Madison. "This'll be the last one. I don't think we'll be able to make it back here if anything goes wrong."

"We won't need to," Madison told her forcefully. "They may waver, but we know exactly who we are. That is the way of the future." She looked really proud of her little speech. Whatever. My coronation speech was way better. "Get to work."

Lila shrugged and obediently threw those apparently non-magical magical symbols around. They floated behind us, until we could see and hear the lapping waters of the Melee docks through it.

"And once you're through," Madison assured us, "I'll make sure you're guided properly the next time, every step of the way."

I gulped; so did Lila and Trent. Madison really was a scary lady when she was mad, which was basically all the time I was nearby.

"So, do you accept?" she asked again, frustration still lacing her voice.

"What choice do I have?" I asked rhetorically.

Madison grinned like Scruffles when I was too slow in snatching my hand away. "None."

"Then I accept," I answered, just as I heard Elaine call "Wait, Guybrush -"

"Too late," Madison said cryptically. Her two cohorts advanced to back her up with a rasp of swords.

I realized what they meant when I reached for my own. Then I remembered that the only sword between us that hadn't been confiscated long since, was currently a molten mass under a steady stream of lava.

"You… cheater!"

"Who's the glue now!?" Madison's mocking laughter rang out piercingly in the close chamber. "Any questions?" Her tone dared us to form a single one.

I asked the obvious. "What about swords?"

"What about them?" She examined her nails dismissively.

"Aren't you going to give ours back?"

"If you wanted me to do that, you should have added it to the terms before agreeing. Anything else?"

"Yes. If we go through the portal behind us, will we remember any of this?"

Lila opened her mouth, but Madison raised her hand to shush her before she managed to answer. "That's for us to know and you to find out when we send you through. Last question."

"Um." I knew she wasn't going to like this one. "How does this Secret sword fighting go again?"

Madison rolled her eyes. "Why don't you watch someone who actually pays attention try? Any volunteers?"

"Arrrgh, I can't stand to listen to this drivel any longer!" LeChuck stomped forward and pointed a bony finger at Lila. "Draw yore weapon, and let's show Threepweed how pirates battle!"