"Uh, LeChuck." I sidled over and whispered at a perfectly reasonable volume. "How are you going to sword fight without a sword?"

LeChuck paused. "The same way you always slithered out of tight spots, of course," he muttered uncomfortably.

"Oh, good thinking!" Time to do what I do best then. I looked expectantly at him. "What have you got to combine in your pockets?"

LeChuck frowned and pulled out his diary with his 'inspirational' onboarding pamphlet jammed inside.

I examined it critically. "Hmm, I don't think I could make that a weapon."

LeChuck brushed me aside. "No need, Threepweed." He began pulling it, and somehow the pages glowed green, fanned out and spiraled until they formed a copy of his usual cutlass, but out of paper. LeChuck swished it a few times; it was surprisingly sturdy and made nice sharp swooshing noises.

"Nice!" Having a zombie-ghost-whatever else he was at this point on our side was turning out to be pretty handy.

Before I could make any puns about paper cuts just to loosen him up, Lila dashed forward and locked her sword with LeChuck's. "You're losing your touch, 'dread captain'! If you can even be called that, without a crew!"

"If you wanted my crew's affairs to be a secret, than you shouldn't keep sneaking Threepweed aboard my ship!" LeChuck's paper cutlass held and turned her blade away with the whisper of turning pages. Then he lunged forward for his own attack. "But don't worry about me, missy. Besides, it's not like ye are faring any better with your cohorts."

She blocked the strike. "If you're talking about getting along with those two -" Lila jerked her head towards her allies, "then that's pretty obvious. Madison's hardly a team player, and who knows what Trent thinks even he's doing here. But I don't let that interfere with my work." She jabbed back slyly. "Unlike your obsession with a certain ex-governor. It's making you weak, LeChuck."

"You're too late; that holds me back no longer." LeChuck batted the jab away dismissively. "And what of your own obsession? Ye've stuck like a barnacle on my hull this whole venture. And I could swear this isn't the first time ye've meddled with me. Something recently was familiar… another final fight, or flight…" He trailed off, frowning.

They traded blows back and forth, neither side moving closer to either punishment portal. I guessed LeChuck couldn't land a decisive attack until he could remember.

I examined my surroundings and pockets, searching for a way to help remind him. I wasn't that sure what he was getting at - Lila was a perfect stranger to me - but I came up with three options.

(WARNING: SPOILERS FOR MI 1, 2, AND 3)

I could mime throwing a certain item from my pockets. Or, I could strike a pose next to something in front of him. Or finally, I could use another item on me to shed light on the situation.

(END SPOILERS FOR MI 1, 2, AND 3)

(WARNING: SPOILER FOR MI 2)

I considered recent events, and chose to pose next to the portal behind Lila. I had to wave my arms a bit to catch LeChuck's attention.

His eyes blazed triumphantly. "Tell the truth now. This isn't the first time ye've herded me into a mysterious portal, is it? But it used to be connected to a certain elevator."

Lila's grip slipped as she paled.

"What is he talking about?" Madison snapped.

"So it wasn't LeChuck's spell then," Elaine said as I snuck back towards her. "That explains some things."

"Maybe - yes - fine, it was me!" Lila exploded. Her swings went wild as she shouted. "I'd just relearned how to make the portals - the coding went so wonky due to how bendy logic is here - and I panicked. You could be so much more, LeChuck! The antihero this story deserves! I couldn't let you get caught then."

(END SPOILER FOR MI 2)

"Aye. You've been steering me towards the Secret this whole time, haven't ye?" LeChuck pressed her back with new-found confidence. "And I nearly had it too, at the end. We'd make a fine team. With my undead powers and your future letter-magic -"

"I call it monkey-latin, actually." Lila dodged a thrust as she stepped ever closer towards the portal behind her. It pulsed rapidly and began swirling, as if drawing her in. "And it's not really magic."

"Join me," LeChuck commanded. "Together, we could rule the seas."

"Um, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but…" The portal was now actively sucking Lila in, and I had to raise my voice to be heard over the vortex of air pulled through. The volcanic rumbling started again. There was no need to end for me to end my sentence.

LeChuck let his paper cutlass drop to his side and leaned on it. "That won't stop a powerful pirate captain of your caliber, now would it?" He met Lila's gaze in clear challenge. "Consider well." He pulled off the hilt wrapping, which unfurled into his onboarding pamphlet, and handed it to his opponent.

Lila gripped it until it crumpled and bared her teeth in a fierce grin. "Watch out, LeChuck." She struggled in the portal's unrelenting grasp, already drawn mostly through. "When and where you least expect, I promise, I'll be back!" Her defiantly lifted sword was the last to be sucked through; it disappeared before I could grab it. Then the portal and the rumbling turned still again.

LeChuck turned and rejoined us. "That's how ye fight to win, Threepweed."

I could forgive his smug tone in exchange for the victory. "Not bad for an opener."

"Pathetic." Madison whirled around with a dismissive flick of her sword. "But it hardly matters. Trent, you're up."

"I've got this, Guybrush." Elaine stepped forward. "Perhaps you could lend me something to fight with?"

"I'll do my best." I looked through my pockets once more, hoping against hope that I'd come up with something that could go against a real sword. But as I expected, the best I could do was the ceremonial knife. "It's probably forbidden by the ownership contract." I handed it over anyway. "But I'm sure the Voodoo Lady would understand."

"Thanks, sweetie." Elaine tossed it gently to get a feel for it.

"Go get 'em, Plunder Bunny!"

Elaine leapt to engage the waiting Trent with an overhead strike. "You seem to be operating under different orders than your compatriots, Captain Trent."

"That's no secret. We're all sponsored by separate stakeholders. There are a lot of powerful people where we come from that take an interest in your world." He neatly sidestepped the strike. "And your world takes a great interest in you. Especially your love life." He closed back in and pressed her at an awkward angle. "They say you must have mistaken pity for love."

"Why does everyone have an opinion on my marriage?!" Probably because her unprecedented above-board tactics didn't leave any room for slander against her political career - or that's what word was around the Scumm Bar - but I didn't think this was the time to point that out. So I shouted an encouraging "You tell him, honey!" instead.

"Thank you, sugar boots." Elaine slashed back with deft strokes of her small blade, pushing Trent back. "It's no one's business but our own. Guybrush and I know why we love each other. Other people's assumptions won't make it any less real."

"Yeah!" I cheered. "And it's not like their spouses are such prizes anyway." I should know, having had to sit through too many parties and functions with her political-slash-philo… philanthro… fundraiser friends.

"And don't think I didn't notice you sidestepping my point. You've been an agent of chaos lately, dropping confidential papers, pursuing groundless fights. One might wonder if you're truly dedicated to the cause."

"Is that the best you can come up with? You've overextended, former governor," Trent sneered. He turned her attack into a tricky twist. Elaine had her hands full trying to keep him from taking back any ground she gained.

She really needed something longer. Without powers like LeChuck, there was really only one thing in my possession that might just do the trick. I grimaced and dug it out, then snuck to a position out of Trent and Madison's line of sight.

"Elaine, catch!"

I tossed her a leftover fish I'd been carrying in a perfect overhand arc. She caught it neatly on her knifepoint.

"What the -!?" Madison looked disgusted.

"Thanks, sweetie!" With the added reach, she drove Trent back with renewed vigor.

"I learned something interesting from Carla," Elaine said. "I'd been making inquiries about the three former pirate captains' fish supplier; it's becoming a health hazard. She said you'd been the one to rent them the building from Captain Madison's takeover. Combine that with something that happened earlier today - what was it LeChuck said about him disguised as Stan, sweetie?"

I cast back - I really didn't like listening to LeChuck, so I wasn't entirely sure. But it either had to do with his loud clothes, him exiting the souvenir emporium formerly known as the fish shop, or catching LeChuck in an empty fishy bag.

I picked one. "That he used an emptied bag for hauling fish to capture LeChuck like the small fry he is?"

LeChuck whacked me on the arm, grumbling under his breath about truces. "And he was leaving the disguised fish emporium with it," he bellowed.

Elaine batted away with rapid wet slaps as Trent concentrated on blocking. "I think your secret side job as a non-fresh fish vendor explains why you smell the same as my weapon."

As an answer, the same portal as before slowly ramped up.

"I can't believe she pinned you with something so trivial," Madison sneered as Elaine forced Trent back, step by step, until the portal took over the job. "You could have told us."

"You're a shrewd businessman, Captain," Elaine said softly to her opponent as she caught her breath after her rally. "I wonder who you were really working for?"

Trent stared back at her, with an unreadable look on his face. "You're too perceptive for your own good," he said heavily, the volcano echoing his words. "Like some others I could name." He glanced at Madison, who'd just taken a sharp breath. "Now you've made things more difficult than they had to be." Without warning, he reached out against the portal's pull and grabbed the knife hilt from her hand; the fish slid off limply and fell to the ground. Before we could blink, the portal snatched back at him again, and he tossed the knife over his shoulder. We watched helplessly as it tumbled inside the portal's murky depths, lost to our view.

"No!" I sprang forward.

"Not so fun now, when I'm not making things easy for you, is it?" Trent asked, amused. "But I'm sure you'll manage. By the way, I heard something from my contacts too, Mrs. Marley-Threepwood. May I be the first to congratulate you on the little secret you've yet to announce?"

Elaine remained fixed there, looking half angry, half excited, and a tiny bit sick.

With a knowing smile, Trent retreated through the portal. Once again, the volcano went still.

"What was he talking about?" I whispered as I helped Elaine regain her footing.

"I'll tell you later." Elaine must have seen the worry in my eyes, because she smiled at me with her familiar half-challenge, half-mischief. "Trust me."

There was only one answer I'd ever have for that. "Of course. Tell me whenever you're ready."

"Thank you sweetie."

Before we could have a moment, Madison groaned loudly. "Incompetent fools; I'll sort them out later."

"It's two for two," I pointed out hopefully. "Feel like calling it quits?"

The dry rasp of Madison's sword unsheathing was answer enough. "I suppose I should have expected the fact that the previous two battles' results were unnecessary for my goal here would escape your notice. There's still four pirates here, and nowhere in the ritual does it say they have to be willing. It's time to finish the job myself."

I reached in my pockets and frantically dug through them, while simultaneously mourning my knife and my escaped live crab tool to save time.

(DLC CONTENT)

There was only one thing for it. "It's finally your time to shine," I told my previously owned horse armor. While I held it up trying to figure out the best way to strap it on, I was blinded by the glare on its polished surface. I stumbled back. In slow motion, the horse armor tumbled from my hands. "Oh no," I groaned, already seeing where this was going. As I expected, it tumbled from my hands and straight into the lava. "You had one job," I berated its melting remains sadly.

(END DLC CONTENT)

Nothing else remotely came close to being a good weapon in a sword fight, so I decided to trust to luck and use the first thing I grabbed. I pulled it out and frowned at it. It was official - my luck had finally run out.

"It's you and me, Threepwood!" Madison swung hard at me. I blocked her sword - with a book.

She blinked at it disbelievingly, then let out a mocking laugh. "So, you admit my book has value in battle now?"

"Sure." I turned the point of her sword to sail harmlessly past my ear. "I admit, it has come in useful. This copy, at least." I tried to drive her back with wild swings of Ship-to-Ship Combat Strategies while I thought up possible secrets I could guess. There weren't many I could think of; I hadn't pieced together some hidden side to her like Elaine and LeChuck with their opponents. All I knew was that she really couldn't stand me; that definitely was no secret. "Were you… a navy captain?"

"Do you think we're playing twenty questions?!" Madison exploded. "Take this seriously, Threepwood!" She barraged the book with angry slashes; Carla would not be happy. "Lila already told you, I'm more of a solo player. I'm in my element: surviving on my wits, back to the wall."

"I know just the type," Elaine called over.

I tried to take advantage of her distraction to get a hit of my own, but Madison never let up. "As always, you rely on dumb luck, pretending you're not afraid that it's just run dry."

"No." Finally! I caught the tip of her sword in the cloth-bound cover; I pushed it further in as Madison attempted to shake it loose. "Luck is a deep river that never runs dry, from the spring of perseverance," I told her grandly, bringing out my inner Queen of Brrr Muda. "And also the geyser of very deep pockets. The literal kind, not monetary." I kept twisting as I thought aloud. "But if you're not from the navy, and not a pirate in your world… then did you copy the strategies from someone in your world?"

"That's just what a liar and cheater like you would come up with! I'm not you." Madison, fed up, freed the sword by cutting through the back cover. I dodged back, pushed ever closer to the portal behind me. "You should be afraid, in this enchanted room up against someone who's better than you," Madison gloated. "And I think, deep down, you know. Without anyone to hide behind, you're nothing. You're all out of options."

"Do you really think like that, in your world?" I asked, still retreating. She brought up that bleak outlook a lot. "I can't tell you how many times a three-headed monkey or a fine leather jacket got me out of a tight spot."

"There are no such things as three-headed monkeys, not anywhere sane," Madison growled. "That trick would never land anywhere but here. You'd have nothing to stand on."

"Then I'd bounce back anyway," I riposted. "That's what rubber trees are for."

"No, they're to make rubber." Madison rolled her eyes. "They don't bounce in other worlds." She drove her point home with a vicious thrust. It pierced my guard, the steel tip sticking straight through my book glittering like the mad flame in her eyes as they bore into mine. "The world I'm from would have chewed you up and spit you out long ago, until you turned into a pale shadow without a naïve shred of hope left."

Would that really have been me, in her world? A place where there were never three-headed monkeys lurking behind you, and no rubber trees to bounce back with - that did sound pretty hopeless, not to mention boring.

But in this world - even when things seemed hopeless, I knew there were always options. I just had to find them.

And honestly, I suspected that there might be in her world too. It didn't have to be from the same things as here, but I couldn't believe there wasn't a single spark of adventure or possibility at all.

But there should always be at least one world with pirates and three-headed monkeys and bouncy trees. And there always would be, if I could help it.

It was a lot to think about, especially when wielding a book in a sword fight. That's probably why by the time I reached that conclusion, I was a mere two paces away from the looping portal.

"Are ye trying to lose, Threepweed?!" LeChuck shouted from behind. "She can't hold a candle to me, or to Elaine!"

All of a sudden, I knew the exact desperate gamble I had to take.

I flipped the strategy book inside out, trapping Madison's blade between its pages inches from my face. I pressed back, arms quivering against the weight of her charge. The dedication with its messy autograph hung right in front of my nose: 'Madison M-' splotch.

"Your full name," I announced. Madison's eyes widened with horror; I was on the right track. "It's…

I had two clear choices.

The tone her voice sometimes took, her gift for strategy, her independent spirit, the mirrored poise in her previous sword fight - those were clearly familiar. The rest was trickier.

On the one hand, she was - despite her denial - a lying cheater, hated my guts, and was obsessed with Elaine, which reminded me of a very familiar undead pirate. And, according to Lila, the portal connected to different timelines, so perhaps Madison came from one where an important choice was the opposite.

On the other hand… well, there wasn't much. Just a hint of suspicion.

I made my choice.

"Madison Marley-Threepwood."

"How?" she bit out in a strangled voice, recoiling from shock. Dimly, I recognized the portal's whirr cycling up across the room.

"Nothing much. Just recognized some things I'd not wanted to notice in us both." I gently released my grip on the book, allowing her sword to slip free in her limp grasp. "And the only people I've ever heard of who can hold their breath inhumanly long are Threepwoods."

"You mean only you?" Elaine clarified.

"Maybe."

"You don't know what it's like." I wasn't sure if Madison was raging, or pleading, or warning. "I knew I didn't belong here - but Marley-Threepwoods don't belong there either."

"Then change 'there'," Elaine advised. "You've proved you're good at that."

Madison was silent as she was dragged backwards; the stone began trembling underfoot again. I tried to grab the Secret chest key where it hung from her loose coat belt, but she swiped it up before I could reach it.

"I'm not leaving empty-handed," she growled.

I had a flashback to another parting shot in these caverns, and the hint I'd gotten then. This felt like the right moment. One more time, I rustled through my pockets. "Here." I handed Madison Wally's map to the Secret, which still pulsed faintly. "It should do more for you there than the key, anyway." Considering what had happened with Lila's 'monkey-latin', I had a hunch. "Between the three of you, I know you can come up with something."

Madison allowed me to take the key as she unrolled the map, scanning it carefully. She then walked halfway through the portal, and examined the parchment from the other side. Her old ruthless grin crept back across her face.

"Very well, Guybrush Threepwood-Marley." She rolled the map back up and stuck it in her pocket. "I'll let you keep your world's Secret. Use it wisely."

Having stolen the last word like the conniving pirate captain she was, Madison strode through back to the world she would change.

Immediately afterwards, both portals winked out of existence. The dull noise of the volcano took a few moments longer to subside.

"Finally!" LeChuck grunted, already getting out his share of ingredients.

I was still a little shaken by all that had just happened. "I can't believe that worked," I thought aloud.

"I wish the best for them." Elaine rested her hand on my shoulder, gazing where the future portal had been. "In their world, anyway. They were very disruptive here. But sweetie, we really must hurry. That took far too long."

"You're right." I picked up the nearest portal magnets - you never knew when small rocks could come in handy - but a glaring LeChuck grabbed the remaining pair before I could reach them. Then I faced the monkey statue, fortunately unscathed after the fighting. "Let's see this through."