A/N: As a disclaimer, this is simply a funny idea that I've had in mind for quite a while now, as it's specifically aimed at those who have watched both Naruto and The Office... listen, I know it's a weird combination but just roll with it.
The inspiration has hit me way too hard for me not to write this. I just hope that you can enjoy the beginning of what I hope to create as a funny project to share with you all. Writer's Block aside, I'm just happy to find the motivation to write again, even if it is for something as dumb as this. Just know, if you laugh, you must leave a review. I don't make the rules.
Without further ado, welcome to Konohagakure: The Office!
In the middle of Eastern Konohagakure was a scroll supply company. As television began to gain much more popularity, a film crew now has the opportunity to see the ins and outs of a local scroll supply company, starring Naruto Uzumaki as local Regional Manager of Saru-Senju Paper Products.
*On one rainy day*
"Alright Sasuke, your quarterlies look very good." Naruto told his subordinate as they both sat in his office, "How are things going at the library?"
"Oh, I told you I couldn't close it, so..."
"So you've come to the master for guidance. Is this what you are saying, grasshoppa?" Naruto said with a mediocre foreign accent, before snorting at himself.
"Actually, you called me in here... but yeah." Replied Sasuke. Naruto sighed.
"Alright." He said normally, "Well, let me show you how it's done."
Naruto then dialed the number and spoke into the phone after a few rings.
"Yes, I'd like to speak to your office manager, please." Said Naruto, on the phone with reception, "Yes, hello, this is Naruto Uzumaki. I am the Regional Manager of Saru-Senju Scroll Products. I just wanted to talk to you manager au manager..."
After some negotiating, the call began to conclude.
"... Alright, done deal! Thank you very much, sir. You are a gentleman and a scholar." He replied gratefully, giving Sasuke a wink to show him how it's done.
However, what Naruto said over the phone did not sit right with the client.
"Okay, I'm sorry... M-My mistake."
Naruto awkwardly hung up the phone and cleared his throat.
"That was a woman I was talking to." He confessed, "She had a very low voice... probably a smoker, so..."
"..."
"Ahem... So that's the way it's done."
*Hours before*
Naruto, after introducing himself to the film crew, walks in front of the camera once it's rolling.
"I have been at Saru-Senju for twelve years, the last four as regional manager."
It was apparent he was nervous, "Ahem, as you'll walk through here..." He guided the crew into the office, "See, we have the entire floor so... 'tis my kingdom as far as the eyes can see."
Naruto's eyes landed on the receptionist, giving her desk a tap as he walked up to her, "Ah, this is our receptionist, Sakura. Saku, Saku-Saku!" He said that last bit while lightly (or maybe not so lightly) banging on her desk with his hands, speaking with a strange baby voice... assumably mocking a character in an old cartoon show. Sakura could only look at him awkwardly.
"Uh, Sakura Haruno. Sakura has been with us for... forever! Right, Sakura?"
"Well, I don't know." She said, lightly laughing it off.
Naruto propped his elbow onto the desk, looking at the camera with a grin, "If you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago."
He lightly growled under his voice after saying that.
"What?!"
"Uhh... any messages?
"Uh, yeah. Just a fax." She said dejectedly passing him a scroll sheet.
"Oh." He said seriously, looking at the document, "Sakura, this is from corporate."
"I know, I-"
"How many times have I told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate?"
"You haven't told me that-"
"It's called the waste scroll basket!"
He then proceeded to laugh goofily before crumpling up the scroll sheet into a ball and throwing it in the trash.
"Hahahaha! Look at that!" He chuckled, pointing at Sakura's face... who did not look amused one bit, "Ahaha, oh, look at that face."
*Naruto to Camera Crew*
"People say I am the best boss." Naruto said to the camera, "They go 'Kami, we've never worked in a place like this before, you're hilarious... and you get the best out of us.' Um..."
He then grabbed a mug that said 'WORLD'S BEST BOSS' printed on it.
"I think this pretty much sums it up..."
He then nodded.
"I got it at Spencer gifts."
In the middle of the office, an employee with a bowl cut could be seen unlocking the lock to his desk and grabbing his phone set while humming a festive tune.
"I have no gifts to bring pa-rum-pa-pa-pum... DO-DO-DO-DO. DO-DO-DO-DO."
As he continued humming after imitating the banging of drums, Sasuke merely watched his neighboring co-worker with annoyance, his chin in his palm.
"I have no gifts for you, pa-rum-pa-pa-pum... DO-DO-DO-DO! DO-DO-DO DO-DO-DO!"
*Sasuke to CC*
"My job is to speak to clients on the phone about..." Sasuke shrugged to the camera, "quantities and, uh, types of copier scrolls, you know, and uh... whether we can supply it to them, whether they can pay for it, and um..."
Sasuke shook his head before scoffing to himself.
"I'm boring myself just talking about this."
Naruto walked out of his office, walking quietly up behind Sasuke before exclaiming...
"WASSUUUUPP!
Lightly shocking Sasuke, he huffed, "Wassuupp!"
Rock Lee, the salesman humming the tune from before, watched the antics as he was sitting next to Sasuke.
"I still love that after so many years-" Grinned Sasuke.
"Wassuuuppp!" Naruto repeated.
"Wassaaaaapppppp!" Rock Lee joined in.
"WassaaaaaaAAAAAaaaaauuuuppppp!"
After immediately realizing that that may have just been overkill, Naruto placed his hands on his sides as, by this point, no one was laughing or smiling anymore.
"...Wassup." Lee unenthusiastically huffed under his breath, simply doing it to appease Naruto.
Naruto awkwardly stretched, engulfed in awkward silence. Sasuke just sat there.
"...What?" He suddenly said to Sasuke.
"Nothing." Sasuke responded.
"Alright... see you later..." Naruto slowly retreated into his office.
"Alright. Take care."
"Back to work!"
In one of the corners of the office, a blonde accountant with a bang in her hair could be seen telling a heavier-set accountant with spirals on his cheeks he had food on his face as he ate a giant cinnamon roll at his desk.
*Shortly after*
Suddenly, a slender woman could be seen entering the office with a cell phone next to her ear.
"I don't know, let's just do it before lunch. That would be great." She said into the device, heading to Sakura at reception.
"Ah, Anko Mitarashi! Hello!" Naruto greeted his boss, stepping out of the office.
*Inside Naruto's Office*
"Alright, was there anything that you wanted to add to the agenda?" Anko, holding a sophisticated-looking document in her hands, asked Naruto inside his office.
"Ummmm... me no get an agenda." Was Naruto's strange reply as he stared at the document.
Anko only looked at him, "Wh-... I'm sorry?"
"I didn't get any agenda." Naruto clarified.
"Well, I faxed one over to you this morning."
"Really? Because uh, I didn't-" He then looked at Sakura, who was also in the office, "Did we get a fax this morning?"
"Ah, yeah. The one-"
"Then why isn't it in my hand?" He then looked at Anko, "Because the office runs on the efficiency of communication, right?" He then pointed a finger at Sakura, rolling his eyes playfully before sighing.
"So, uh, what's the problem, Sakura? Why didn't I get it?"
"...You put it in a garbage can that was a 'special filing cabinet'."
"..."
"..."
"Uh, yeah." Naruto awkwardly confessed, "That was a joke. That was a joke that was actually my brother's and it was supposed to be great with bills but doesn't really work with faxes..." He chuckled nervously.
Anko sighed.
"Would you mind taking a look at this?"
She handed him her document.
"Yeah, yeah. Thank you."
"Okay, since the last meeting, the board has decided that we can't justify an Eastern branch and a Western branch."
"Ah, oh, okay-" Naruto mumbled as he continued scanning the page.
"No no, Naruto, don't panic."
Naruto started shifting uncomfortably in his seat.
"No, this is good. This is good. This is fine."
"Naruto, please, do not pani-"
"Excellent. Although the alarm bells are kinda going ringy-dingy-dingy!" He nervously chuckled.
"Naruto, I told the same thing to Asuma at the Western branch and it's either up to you or him to convince me that your branches can incorporate the other."
"Okay, uh-"
"This does, however, mean that there will be downsizing." She added in.
"Me no wanna hear that, Anko." He said, looking at her, "Because downsizing is a bitch. It is a real bitch. And I wouldn't wish that on Asuma's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men... or women. Present company excluded." He said, tapping the scroll sheet on Anko's folded knee.
Sakura just awkwardly looked away.
"Uh, is Asuma concerned about downsizing himself?" He asked after seeing the look on Anko's face. He then realized the grammar of his last statement, "...Not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing?"
"Well..."
Meanwhile, in the middle of the office, Lee was seen tapping on Sasuke's shoulder and laughing when he looked the wrong way.
"Question, how long do we have to-"
In Naruto's office, the phone begins to ring nearby. Naruto looks at the caller ID.
"Oh, uh, Jiraiya-sensei. A terrific rep." Naruto looks at Anko, "You mind if I take this?"
"No, go ahead."
Naruto answers the call, "Ero-sennin!"
"Hey, McQueen."
Naruto's smile shifted, "That's not... appropriate."
"Hey, is ol' Snake Snatch coming in today?"
"U-Um, I don't know-"
"Look I've been meaning to ask her just one question." Said Jiraiya, blissfully ignorant of being put on speaker, "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
"Oh my Kami!"
Naruto quickly hung up the call.
"T-That's... horrifying." Naruto mumbled awkwardly.
Anko was stunned in her seat with disbelief (or possibly silently frozen with rage). Sakura was stunned as well, to an extent, but her's was more of a timid kind of shock. Anko's was not.
"That's just horrible. A horrible person." Naruto huffed.
Anko reminded herself to just get back to business.
"So do you think that we can just keep a lid on this for now? I don't want to worry people unnecessarily."
"No, absolutely." Naruto promised... kind of, "Under this regime, it will not leave this office."
"So what does downsizing actually mean?" Temari whispered to Gaara, leaning over his desk. Gaara looked at Naruto's open office.
"Well..."
Soon, Shikamaru joined the conversation.
"You guys should update your resume just like I'm doing." He whispered to them in the office kitchen.
"I bet it's going to be me... I mean, it's probably going to be me." Ino said to Choji in the accounting department. Choji thought for a second, then looked at Ino.
"Yeah, it'll be you."
On the other side of the office, Sasuke could be seen leaning over Sakura's desk.
"I have an important question for you." Sakura said to Sasuke.
"Yes."
"Um," She started laughing, "Are you going to Ino's cat party on Sunday?"
"Yeah, stop." Sasuke huffed, shaking his head, "That is ridiculous."
*Naruto to the CC*
"Am I going to tell them? No, I'm not going to tell them. I don't see the point of that." He said, "As a doctor, you would not tell a patient that he had cancer."
Near reception, a brown-haired man with white eyes could be seen talking to Sakura. Naruto sees this and walks out of his office to greet him.
"This is Naruto Uzumaki." Sakura said to the person who introduced himself as Neji, the new temp.
"Guiltyyy." Naruto shook his hand, "Guilty as charged!"
Neji was trying to introduce himself but couldn't properly do so due to Naruto's volume.
"Er, I'm Neji Hyuuga, from the talent agency."
"Uh-huh."
"Taniqua sent me down to start today."
"Hm, Hyuuga. Like Moe Hyuuga! From The Three Stooges."
"Uh-"
"Look, look, here's Moe... Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck... moooo!" Naruto immediately started chuckling, but Neji was too overwhelmed by the introduction to respond. He nevertheless gave him a pity smile at his attempt at humor.
"Ah, right here. Three Stooges." Naruto said, raising his hand for an eager high-five that Neji reluctantly accepted. He then turned to Sakura, giving her a playful tone, "Oh, Sakura. It's a guy thing, Sakura."
Sakura just sat there.
"I'm sort of a student of comedy." Naruto added before smiling at Neji about what he was about to do next.
"Watch this, here we go."
After a giddy fit of laughter, Naruto grabs a sheet of scroll paper and holds it up to his face... before shouting at the rest of the office in an aggressive form of gibberish. The kicker here was that his palm-down hand was raised at over the eye level.
The office was now silent, aside from Naruto's continuing laughter. Upon seeing no one responding, he turned back toward the camera.
"I'm Hitler! Adolf Hitler."
He then continued with the terrible impersonation.
*Sakura to CC*
"I don't think that it would be the worst thing if they let me go." Sakura admitted, "Because then... I might... I just- I don't think it's many little kunoichi's who dream of being a receptionist. Um," She then lit up a little, "I like to do illustrations. Um... mostly watercolor. A few oil pencils."
She then smiled a bit more.
"Um, Sasuke thinks they're good!"
Sakura's phone rang. She answered it.
"Saru-Senju, this is Sakura."
While Sakura was dealing with the call, she was watching Sasuke, who was on the phone as well, and Lee, who was loudly trying to separate their desks somehow with a ruler, knocking over all sorts of Sasuke's documents on the floor in the process.
"Uh, sorry Mr. Davis, I'm going to have to give you a callback. Something just came up, two minutes. Yeah." Sasuke hung up the call before glaring at Lee, "Lee, what are you doing?"
"What?"
"What are you doing?"
"Just clearing my desk, I can't concentrate." He said simply, still shifting Sasuke's things with his ruler.
"It's not on your desk."
"It's overlapping. Spilling over the edge." Lee responded matter-of-factly. He then looked at Sasuke, who sighed, "One word, two syllables; demarcation."
...Lee then went back to work.
Once Lee went up to use the restroom, Sasuke just finished completing his task of defending his stronghold of a desk with sharpened pencils tapped to the edges.
Lee saw this and sat in his seat, "You can't do that."
"Why not?"
Lee looked at Sasuke, "Safety violation. I can fall and pierce... an organ."
Sasuke crossed his fingers, "We'll see."
Lee frowned and then proceeded to slam Sasuke's pencils down with his phone. Sasuke smiled at the camera.
"See, this is why this whole downsizing thing just doesn't bother me. It-"
Lee perked up from his task, "Downsizing?"
*Rock Lee to CC*
"Downsizing? Yeah, I have no problem with that. I've been recommending downsizing since I first got here." He then smirked, "I even brought it up in my interview."
He then looked serious.
"I say, bring it on."