I know, I know, I haven't updated for a looooooooooooong time...sorry not sorry

He was having breakfast. With the Potters. With his left hand.

It had been exactly two weeks since he had arrived.

Sirius had hurriedly sent him away to live with the Potters when he had gained some of his health back. His right hand for some reason never healed, and he would remain crippled forever. The scar rooted deep in his mind, the fact that Sirius had wanted him out remained hurting still. He knew it would never heal.

For the past few days he had been like a ghost, a lost soul wandering the broken world. James had tried to console him. He had told him about the Order of the Phoenix, had asked him to join. Remus refused. He had seen enough deaths and he wished to see none more.

Peter frequently came for a visit, but not Sirius.

James acted all interested in his cornflakes and suddenly asked him on the breakfast table,

"So…Remus, what are you planning on? The future, I mean."

Remus stopped eating.

He knew that he couldn't stay with the Potters forever. He didn't want to, either. He was a burden, nothing more than a pitiful burden to them, to him and Lily.

"Well…" He took a deep breath. "I'm planning to go north, to the woods. I heard there's a muggle willing to give away his cottage because it's too old, and beyond muggle repair. I made arrangements. I'm going to move there in a few days."

Lily looked up, surprised.

"In a few days?" She gasped. "Remus, you've got to stay more!"

"No, Lily, I don't want to burden you, or James-"

James suddenly stood up from his seat and banged his hands on the table.

"Burden, burden, burden! I've had enough of this!"

"James, please calm down! You'll wake Harry!"

"You're pitiful, you know that? You're going to move into the woods, a hundred miles from anywhere-"

"James!"

"-to get away! You don't want to join the Order because you are afraid! You always run from your fears, always! Why can't you stand your ground and face things for once, like a man? You're a coward, Remus!"

Harry started to cry. Lily glared at James and rushed to take care of him.

The two stood in silence.

James was seathing; this was the thing he hated about Remus. He was never confident in himself and his abilities. People said that it was being level headed. But James knew the truth. Remus always put the blame on himself and suffered, and when the weight grew too much, he crumbled and stayed alone and silent for periods of time. He was mad, mad at Remus, mad at the world that drove his friend to this state.

"Remus, talk to me! Say something!"

Plop.

James froze.

Remus was staring down at the table, tears running down his cheeks.

"...Remus?"

Remus's shoulder trembled, and he looked to the floor, biting his lips. James didn't know what to do. He had expected an equally tormenting comeback from his friend and was bracing himself for it.

This wasn't the Remus he knew, the boy who had jinxed his hands into knots, still lying sick on the bed after his transformation when he had found out that him, Sirius, and Peter had followed him into the whomping willow; the boy who had beaten Snape to tears with his cold remarks when he got tired of the Slytherine bullying him-or he tried to anyway; the mischevious prefect who charmed teachers into letting them go when they pulled off a prank.

The world he had known was slowly crumbling down.

It ached.

It ached, ever so much.

"Remus, I…"

"You asked me why I couldn't face things like a man," Remus whispered, his voice quavering with what James sensed disparity,

"and the fact is, James, I'm not a man…they made it clear back in that-that place…I thought they were lies, I refused to believe in them at first, but now James, I'm not so sure-"

His voice cracked, stopping him temporarily from saying more.

"I've always felt this beast inside me. It flared when I became angry, always urging me to lash out, but it was always the first to cower when hit by fear…maybe the wolf is all I am…"

"Remus-you're not-"

"Thank you James…I always felt thankful to you…you never gave up on me."

James could just watch, dazed, as Remus glided to the door and stepped out, the echo of the door slamming shut ringing deftly in his ears.

#####

The wind howling in his ears hid his cries. His sobs.

James was right. He was afraid.

Afraid that he won't be able to help, will put them in more danger, more pain, will fail them…like he failed Carla. Like he failed Peat. Like he failed Serena. And so many others.

#####

Sirius was ready to beat the shit out of his old mate when the Order meeting took place in Jame's house.

"Is it true?" He had demanded the moment he had stepped in, having arrived hours before the meeting, "Did Remus really leave?"

"...Yes."

"How did this happen? I didn't send him here just so that you two could have a massive breakup!"

"I was just trying to-"

"And what did you expect him to say? Oh, hello James, it hasn't even been three months since I got out of that shit of a place, thanks for giving me pep talk while stamping on me with your fucking foot!"

"I am sorry for it-"

"He walked out of your house! Unhealthy! Unprotected!"

"I-"

"What if he's freaking dead?"

"Sirius he's not-"

"Oh I'm gonna bloody kill you if he's dead-"

Lily was watching the whole scene a safe distance away with her arms folded up. It was a good thing Harry had gone into a deep sleep. She was about to separate the two when Sirius grabbed James by the collar and shook him when a clear knock interrupted them.

"Lily? James? Are you there?"

Everyone froze.

Holding her breath, Lily approached the door carefully, her hands wandering to the back pocket of her jeans where her wand lay.

"Who is it?" She said.

"It's Albus. Albus Dumbledore."

Great. Another guy who arrived at her house more than an hour ago before the meeting.

"What was the most recent flavor of jelly bean you got?"

"...Pencil shavings. The taste was unspeakably disgusting."

Lily grinned. "God, that sounds traumatic. Come in, Albus."

She opened the door, and there stood Dumbledore, his piercing blue eyes shining behind his half moon spectacles.

"Thank you, Lily. And Sirius, Remus is not 'freaking' dead…I guarantee you that. Please, let us sit down."

"How do you know?" Sirius said, doing as he was told to do, the look of fury still on his face. James sat down on the opposite side of the table.

"Remus came to visit me a few days after your-err…breakup."

Lily raised her eyebrows.

"He did?"

"Yes. And he had lots of things to say about you and James, mind…And I have to say I was quite astonished that he had ever known such vocabulary. What he said afterwards his ranting made me quite surprised, too…

"James," He said, looking him in the eye, "He asked to join the Order."

The room grew silent.

"And of course, I said no. I didn't think that he would be able to cope up with the fighting, the news about the Dark Lord, after what he's been through…He told me that not accepting him would be pointless, that he will rouse against the dark forces anyway. He said that he was planning on something very big and very dangerous, and threatened to pull it off if I kept refusing."

Lily couldn't help smiling to herself. This was the Remus she knew. The quiet but rebellious boy.

"He did pull it off. Here,"-he pulled out a copy of the Daily Prophet from his robes and handed it to Lily. "I'll leave you to your reading."

Dumbledore then left the table and wandered into the kitchen.

James watched as Lily read the paper, her eyes growing rounder and rounder as she did.

"What is it?" Sirius asked.

"Read it for yourself."

James head skimmed the headline: Massive Werewolf Breakout in Camp in Coventry; Suspect Remus Lupin?

"He's done it all right." Lily mused.

James was shaken up. It looked like Remus had blown up the guard building of the camp and had performed massive evacuation of the werewolves trapped inside. Disapparating, James realized. Remus had come up with an ingenious way to disapparate them all at once during the summer vacation of his 6th year at Hogwarts.

Sirius whooped when he finished reading.

"That fucking werewolf! I knew he was a quirk from the beginning!"

Hmmmm...Maybe I'll write a sequal for this...that is if I finish writing it ;)

Anyway, Remus x Sirius reunion coming up!